The ElfQuiz Parody: The Revisionist History: Take-a-Look 2: The Flea-Bitten Glove Chapter 1: The Quiz Has Already Started (Entertaining Humans) -- It turns out that sometimes controversy is necessary. Without it, much of the world's trivia is lost. Without it, there is no humor. Without it, I [being the author, stupid] would pretty much go insane. Here, in the very alternaverse/satire itself, I will make to you a confession - and that just goes to show what lengths to which I will go to reveal myself. TAL 2 shall be different from TAL 1: longer, more personal, more frank. Fear not, funny fans, the humor isn't going anywhere. But sometimes, if you [being the reader, dunderhead] look through the text and the wacky puns and the random thoughts and the obvious attacks on some aspect of culture, you will see the writer in all his humility. Well, hope you like TAL 2. Again, any references to actual persons have been removed, but I have a lot to say, so you'd better sit down! Thanks. Two turns came and went, and the Recognition of Cutter and Leetah was fulfilled, in spite of their own efforts. She gave birth to triplets one evening. They were soon named Ember, Suntop, and Quickblade. Five turns later, Strongbow happened to be on patrol near the north side of Sorrow's End, and he saw something worth sending home about. He mentally told the Wolfriders, **Everyone should come here to the cliffs, and come now. This is just what I've always wanted. We are going to have some fun tonight!** Needless to say, he kept his message short, and vague on purpose. The Wolfriders responded! Mounting their respective wolves and dashing toward the north end - from whence they had come - they nearly piled on top of each other when they could see what Strongbow saw. At the foot of the cliffs were four humans, two male, two female, and all dressed in rags. Treestump, the unofficial keeper of nostalgia, recalled the humans' faces well, and he waved to them. Though the huddled mass (if four is a mass) was still shaking and shivering, Ember called out to them, "Why, hellooooah! We're the welcoming committee. You have reached Sorrow's End." Not only did the elves' language completely escape the humans, they just didn't get it when the elves made a joke. One male fell to his knees and screeched, "Oh, no! Help us, don't do anything bad to us! I... I am Tabak, and this is Lefetha, and this is Oarken, and this is Jirian... and we are humans." The ex-hunter felt an anime-style sweat drop overtaking him. Trying to reply in the Gotarians' language, Cutter stated, "You people also idiots. Do you even with your feeble minds think, we would let you in our village?" He nearly choked on the gutteral words, for the chief was out of practice. Lefetha, the curiously tolerant wife of Oarken, confessed, "That's not our intention... But I'm really, really sorry, because though I tried my best to raise little Hoodbearer in the 'way' [Author's Note: That is, the "whenever" of human thought.] of the humans, she just up and left us for no reason," she said, quietly wringing her hands. The name the human had mentioned immediately got the attention of Clearbrook. Though the notorious addict knew little of the human language, she set her thoughts of fury into action: "YOU will not break our vow of silence! My daughter will remain dead for all I am concerned, no thanks to you!" She didn't care if Lefetha had understood her or not. Clearbrook began to break down again, which was a good sign that she was still high. According to the Wolfrider Dreamberry-vine, her first two albums had been written and recorded while she was mentally out, and they certainly did sound that way. The mother had no reason to care for the long-lost cub. "Anyway..." noted Cutter, "I think I've changed my mind. If you want to stop by for a drink, we'd be more than willing, 'cause we all need something strong right about now." Suddenly, the humans stopped misinterpreting. All four followed a pack of Wolfriders into the Sun Folk Training Hut, which happened to be the best place in the area for elven booze. However, just as Cutter was about to follow them, he was interrupted by Strongbow, who sent, **You're sure that we want drunk humans around? Our alcohol just might kill them!** The still-sober archer looked at his chief with disdain. Cutter replied with a simple, "No matter!" and ran after the crowd. *** Less than an hour later, the mood of the situation had turned on its head. Skywise, for one, was wasted, and he was already starting to babble. "But as I always say... never talk about politics, religion, or females, 'less they're drunk too," he lied. Oarken sat just across the table from the elf. The scientist mumbled, "Right, right," and took the head off his beverage. His wifemate, who was standing by in her casual way, spoke up: "Actually, we've got some pretty solid ideas about our world view. The whole Gotara-as-lord-of-the-bears is a somewhat extant and rather disturbing theological scenario. In our wanderings, we've had time to think it all over, and if you're willing to hear out our conclusions..." Though Treestump wasn't as far gone as some of the others, he managed to recall something that he would normally have not even brought up. "Yeah, I recall that one time,", he said in the human language, "Ol' Eward got on the whole bear getup, and it sure as anythin' didn't help him. Those were the days, or nights, or whatever." Strongbow was among the bar crowd as well. He hadn't had anything, for he was acting as the designated wolf-rider. **That's not entirely true. Some cub almost got a potshot on Bearclaw,** he reminded Treestump. Unexpectedly angry, and grumbling to himself, Dewshine's father walked out. **No need to remind me,** he shot at the archer as he left. "What was that about?" asked Tabak, who had only heard half the conversation from his table. Cutter looked over at the once-cool hunter and replied, "It's, as we say, elfsonal." He turned to Moonshade and added, "By the way, could you get me another beer?" Then and there, the tanner froze up, and almost dropped her tray. She cautiously moved over to Cutter and whispered, "I hate to say this... but there is no more beer." Moonshade then glanced around to check if a certain someone had heard. Just as Cutter thought, There is going to be trouble, it came. As the elves had feared, Woodlock overheard the remark. He exploded, and began fuming like an elf insane. Stepping down from his bar stool, he started stomping around the room and screaming, "No beer! No beer!" over and over again. Once again, Oarken looked up. "This could be a problem," he said rather woozily, "Maybe we should get out of here." Too drunk to refute his authority, the other three humans followed suit in leaving the mock bar. Jirian, who had unwittingly changed outfits, wondered, "Where to now?" Amazingly, she and Tabak actually looked at each other - something they avoided doing while sober. "At this rate, maybe our old home is safer," figured Lefetha, shrugging. *** For two days, they had been crying for the swamp. Rain and Redlance had fulfilled their obligations to Foxfur, and now the two were able to search for the long-departed Wolfriders. A reliable source told them that their tribemates had gone through the old troll caves, and so they chose to follow up on that lead. But the swamp that marked the other side of the mountains was long, and arduous, and now even they were wondering if it were not a desert after all. As the two elves journeyed what should have been south, they came upon a strange sight. Four humans were coming their way. As soon as Redlance recognized them, and told Rain who they were, the healer's hood nearly fell off. He blurted to Redlance, "I think I'll let you ask this time. Just remember!" The responsible tree-shaper Redlance did, and he asked the rapidly approaching humans in his most cautious Human, "Why are you going back? Is there something, something bad, ahead?" Tabak was the first to see just who was speaking. His jaw immediately hit the ground. Struck speechless, he gestured to the others to move ahead. None of the others spoke, and all four were on their way within moments. "Hmmmmm..." thought Rain after the humans left, "So if they fled from what lies ahead, what could it mean for us?" he wondered aloud, for he sure didn't know. Now Redlance was steamed. He was ready to scream, even to attack Rain. Yet he clenched his fists and growled, "This is the best lead yet. I say we TAKE IT!" And thus the two fugitive Wolfriders continued through the lonely desert/swamp for a little while longer... *** As Woodlock's fury turned into a rampage, all the other Wolfriders sped out of the Training Hut. They knew better - that he would return to normal in a few hours, but until then, evasion was the best policy. Too bad for the Sun Folk. Ignorance was not bliss for them. "Aughhh!" screeched Adja, "Somebody stop him! Aren't we the Sun Folk Defense Committee?" he shouted at an eight of part-time gardeners. Just as Woodlock crushed another chair into scrap metal, the Sun Folk Defense Committee lined up and intoned, "Yes, and we pledge our allegiance to Savah the Mother of Memory and to Sun-Toucher the blah blah blah..." Zhantee was among the Sun Folk present, but he had not conformed to the idiocy of the Committee. Instead of standing around, he attempted to sneak up behind the infuriated one. Unluckily, he missed his attack, and the Wolfrider shoved him aside - right into the bar - all the while shouting, "No beer! No beer! No..." *** All the other elves about town gathered together in their now-traditional meeting cave. This meeting took longer than most, for the matters of human infestation and elven insanity could not be solved with even a net the size of the World of Two Moons. Savah was there - a true sign that things were awry - and she told the tribe, "At least we're not the only elves in this world. I have actually established communication with a tribe which lives underneath the village- -" Her statement came to a sudden end, for more than a few Wolfriders were absolutely alarmed by this news. One-Eye, for one, declared, "We never asked, and you never wanted to tell us, right?" He hated not finding out about things on time. "In one sense, yes," Savah said in an overly sweet voice, "But there is a good reason. The tribe has issued numerous threats of death and destruction to us. Fortunately, there is no way to get underground, or for them to get up here. So when one puts two and two together..." Though One-Eye was put off by the expression, he set the matter aside, and continued to complain to himself. But Treestump, always the exception to the rule, remarked, "Are there any decent, normal elves out there? Anyone who wouldn't want to kill us?" He recalled the turns when they were pretty sure that they were alone. Those nights had been good. Savah, being the leading authority on the issue, replied, "I really don't know. I've been researching it, and I'm almost sure that if you backtracked to your original 'holt' and kept going in the same direction, you would find some. However, it's a long-distance going-out, so it's hard to say," she mentioned apologetically. An inspiration hit Cutter like a mallet. "Someone could investigate!" he exclaimed, suddenly grinning and bouncing. Skywise knew where it went from there. He commented, "'Someone' means you... and probably me, right? Don't worry, I don't mind much, really. I would only be leaving my three 'good Sun Folk friends' behind." "Well... actually..." realized Cutter, slowly coming to his senses, "I should probably ask Leetah first. I'll do it... tonight." -- Chapter Two: The Trouble with Woodlock (The Falling Rain) -- Cutter knelt before Leetah in her winter hut. By her request, they left the caves every two seasons and moved into this house of clay. It wasn't a bad place, but he still preferred the strange comfort of the rocks. As he looked upon her face, which could well have been etched in clay as well, he moaned, "Yes, yes, I admit it. I am stupid. But can't you give me any advice? We're probably in trouble here, and if we stand around, content to sit on our tushes, well, who knows what'll happen to us..." Leetah recalled a horrid joke. She could not resist thinking, Huh, stupid is as stupid is. Restraining herself, she brought herself down to his level and suggested, "I know, it would be bad if Savah got those underground elves on us like she's threatened. But before that happens, we're going to need help. I allow you to go out into the world and make allies of all elves - well, at least all those you can find." She gave his ears a little squeak. Her lifemate lit up. He was now inspired - a dangerous thing for such an unstable type of elf like Cutter. He told her in an excited voice, "That's it! I will go forth, and become a different sort of superhero. You may now publicly call me... Wollf Rider! This could be the beginning of something very good," he declared, feeling like Gourry on tequila. Then, and only then, did Leetah feel it necessary to remind Cutter of something. She asked, "But what about the cubs?" You know, what will Suntop, Ember, heck, even Quickblade think?" Even the brat needed some sort of excuse to believe. "Oh, it won't be a long quest or anything," Cutter pronounced, "I'm sure they'll do just fine," he said with remarkably little irony. Leetah had to throw in one more closing remark: "Just do not blame me if something goes wrong," she warned him, knowing full well that Sun Folk law required them to bring the recent drunk elf along. By this time, she knew just how scary Woodlock got... *** Over the next few days, the sun seemed to just about scream as it wove its course through the sky. The nights were not long either, and strangely enough, this helped Redlance and Rain to reach the village. They reached the cliffs right on city limits just as dawn struck the eastern roofs. The village was still sleepy from the effort of getting Cutter, Skywise, and Woodlock on their way, so all was quiet. The two intruding Wolfriders looked at each other, and bounded right into the village. Hardly knowing what they were doing, they leapt right unto the roof of Savah's "cultural hut." Bantering softly, they began to analyze their situation. "Now... this is some holt," whispered Rain excitedly, "Look at that elven architecture! Yeah, it's a little different, but I think I can handle it." Redlance scowled at him. "What, are you planning a 'sneak attack'? I distinctly remember the last time you tried THAT. Maybe if we just submit ourselves, it will be better. More importantly, I don't think these... things... are like trees at all. We're sitting on this thing, but it's already shaking. It could probably collapse because of us - especially you, because I don't eat human food," he grumbled, wishing he could safely get away from the idiot healer. A Cheshire Cat grin came from Rain. He all-too-casually asked, "What could possibly go wrong?" - - just as the roof caved in. *** About that time, three other elves were walking through the desert, and two of their wolves had no names. It need not be said that Cutter's bond was Nightrunner, the ever-reliable but very old wolf of his cubhood. Currently, the wolf was relaxing atop a zwoot (who didn't have a name either) that they had brought along. Though all you _Elfquest_ fanboys will insist that Skywise's wolf was Starjumper, in this parody, you are wrong. Here, it will remain safely anonymous. Oh, and Woodlock didn't have any wolf-friend, so he wasn't too concerned either way. The elves were a bit nervous, however, for getting back to the troll cave from whence they came would not be an easy task. Skywise worried aloud, "How might the trolls welcome us back, if we get there? They were rather benevolent before, but maybe now they've changed." Cutter dejectedly replied, "Be quiet and keep searching for the star that'll give us a direction. And keep walking," he mumbled. A night or so later, they came to the still-open entrance of the southern trolls' cave. The group sauntered in, but were slightly taken aback to find no trolls. The cave no longer smelled of the mud-dwellers, and the only things still living there were a family of bats. But having no use for guano, Cutter, Skywise, and Woodlock squished and squashed their way through the cave. When they got to the old holt exit, all three gathered around the open door and simultaneously gasped. "No... it can't be!" all exclaimed. But it was true. The forest had not burned down after all. Every tree was still there, as well as a few new ones. As the trio and their animals stood there open-mouthed, two other elves decided to enter stage left and steal the scene. Out of the woodwork came Foxfur and Stormbringer (a.k.a. Stormie), with canisters of knockout gas in hand. They used their troll-bequeathed weapons on the dim ones, and it worked instantly. Cutter, Skywise, Woodlock, and their wolves all fell asleep in their tracks. The zwoot was not affected, but nothing bothered those newly tamed animals. But that was enough. "Oh, I do say that I am on a roll today," said Stormie, laughing deviously. She carted the body of Cutter via his big, big hair into their house. She then mentioned to her mother, "What are we going to do with them? You do remember these elves, right? Might they be of any help?" the young artist wondered. The self-christened mother was only serious for brief intervals. She stated, "I really don't know. We'll probably end up releasing them, as they are armed... If you ask me, they could only 'be of use' to Dobil." As the two females and their cargo walked away, the unconscious wolves stayed behind, though obviously not of their own will. Only the zwoot was left to watch the scene. *** "And a good evening to you!" shouted Stormie, sneering right at Cutter's face, "It's a good thing my mother remembered who you three were, or else she might have had to kill you. Now, would you care for some traditional Go-Back tea?" the strange young Wolfrider politely asked. The Wolfriders' chief opened his eyes and yelled, "AAAHH!" Not only was he confronted with the visage of Stormbringer, he found his wrists and ankles chained to a cold wall via brightmetal cuffs. Glancing off to the side, he discovered that Skywise and Woodlock were in the same predicament. "What is this?" he woozily asked. Foxfur left her ex-lovemate alone for a moment, and replied to Cutter, "This place? It's our outpost for ecological work and studies in the old holt area. This tea? It's Dobil's favorite recipe. Sure, we nearly killed him for making it the first time, but we've begun to appreciate it after some experimentation." From the other side of the room, Woodlock called out, "Just give it to me, won't you?" He desperately needed more attention, and this was his route of getting it. Dobil mumbled to the captive, "Gladly," and let Woodlock sample the stuff from a wooden cup. The one thought that entered Woodlock's mind as the tea entered his system was, This stuff is INTENSE - pure moonpetal flowers - the most intoxicating stuff on the World of Two Moons! He then began to twitch, started rattling his chains a little, and soon slipped into total incoherence. "No thank you, Foxfur, I don't want it," Skywise sarcastically told his ex. He was already freaked out by her angst-filled attitude, and he figured getting drunk probably wouldn't help. Since Stormie did not seem as vengeful as the other two tormentors, Cutter took a chance and asked her, "Where have all the trolls gone?" Biting her right thumb - for she had five fingers on that hand - Stormie responded, "Ah, them. There was an elf who came through here about a moon or two short of seven turns ago. That was, of course, right after 'R' and 'R' came by. We told him about the trolls, and following that, neither him nor the trolls ever turned up again. Oh, what was his name, mother?" she asked of Foxfur. The alleged mother coughed sharply. "We would prefer not to disclose such information as of yet," she declared. "Hmmm!" Cutter and Skywise said simultaneously. *** Back at Sorrow's End, the Wolfriders found themselves rudely awakened by a loud crash in the middle of the day. It came from the "cultural hut," and out of self-interest, several tribe members rushed to the scene. Quickblade, Nightfall, Strongbow, One-Eye, and Pike all bumped into each other just outside Savah's home, but none of them felt secure enough to admit their reason for dropping by. Upon entering the now-damaged hut, Quickblade was first to point out, "Not my fault this time!" Pike just laughed at the devastation, for lying on the floor were two Wolfriders, slightly injured. Ahdri had already fled the scene, but Savah appeared to be staring at the mess, agape from shock. If any of them had looked up, little was left of the roof. Nightfall exclaimed, "Hold on here - I recognize that one - it's Redlance!" Running to her old lovemate, she extracted him from the rubble. "Just what we needed," grumbled One-Eye, "Another bloody Recognition. High Ones, I hate the thing." He was as bitter and detached as ever. No disagreement there, thought Strongbow. **So who's the other one?** he sent openly, **Better not be a human, for I swore to myself - after the Woodlock incident - that the next human I saw, I would have to...** The archer then noticed the distinct hood on the fallen one's head. Rain called out in a weak voice, "...Shoot him?" **Indeed, yes,** Strongbow continued, **Just a moment - that voice is a little too familiar - could it be Rain the healer? Because I vowed that if he ever said something stupid again, I would have to...** The healer answered meekly, "Shoot me?" He now remembered! Strongbow answered in the affirmative as only he could. Within seconds, Rain was out the door and running. The itinerant archer took up the chase shortly after. Meanwhile, Pike kept on laughing, right along with Quickblade. But as for the reunited Redlance and Nightfall, they had more to say. After a few tense moments, the tree-shaper confessed, "Lovemate, I waited seven turns for you. Despite everything else, I have remained faithful to you. - -How about you?" he asked, feeling worry overcome him. For perhaps the first time in her life, Nightfall blushed. She replied, "Well, uh, I experimented a little, you know..." She had joined with everyone - and everything - but the figurative kitchen sink. Silently, One-Eye made his way back home. *** In the ecologists' hut, however, things were only starting to get interesting. Foxfur complained, "You're lucky that Dobil wanted us to unchain all of you. Just don't expect us to hand you that sword. It could hurt someone, and we wouldn't want that," she mentioned, trying to sound threatening. The concept of nonviolence was lost on Cutter. "Why is that, if I may ask?" he wondered. All of a sudden, Stormie looked happy. She told them, "Because... hidden in Noon Mew's hilt is a very small dagger - exactly what I need to write my wonderful new literary work on tree bark. It's 'The Wolfrider Manifesto: A Reinterpretation of Timmorn's Code of Wolfrider Conduct.' And I don't intend to give the dagger back, thank you." Woodlock, still out of his mind, had no reasonable comment to offer. If he had been sane, he would probably have mentioned Stormbringer's obsession with art. However, the unfortunate Wolfrider needed a good while to recover. And in the meantime, all he could do with his life was to sit on the floor and babble. "But why? Why did you torture us?" shouted Skywise, still not getting it. Foxfur grimaced maliciously. "I have my reasons," she grunted. Suddenly, everyone in the hut heard a crashing sound from underneath their feet. Skywise was first to ask about it: "What was that? You're not hiding something, are you?" Again, Foxfur put on her most evil expression. "No. Of course not. You know how we are," replied the secret-keeper, as if she were talking to a complete imbecile. The travelers, excluding Woodlock, exchanged glances as an unfamiliar shout was heard from the same general direction. I think it would be best to move on - right about now, Cutter figured. While Skywise was busy fending off Foxfur's attacks, the chief examined his slightly altered sword. The loss of the small interior dagger had changed the appearance of Noon Mew's hilt, and Cutter thought that the deformity would be irreparable unless he retrieved the dagger. To do that, he would need a group effort. The chief sent privately to Skywise, **Hey, we've got to repair my sword, for fashion purposes, and get out of here. Could you forget Foxfur and help me - and Woodlock - distract Stormie?** Skywise mentally answered, **No trouble at all.** He squirmed away from his former lovemate and snuck up behind Stormbringer, who was seated at the one table in the ecologists' hut. He asked the busy young female, "Do you see what Dobil has made of our friend Woodlock? Will you not tell us how to help him?" he kindly requested. Meanwhile, Cutter pushed the still-foaming Woodlock away from Dobil and toward Stormie, and he tried to pose the intoxicated one in a convoluted way. "You see, he is now insane, and perhaps he will die. After all, Woodlock's always been rather weak. But I believe that he will come to his sense if he receives some physical pain. With that dagger, perhaps you could do it for us?" Cutter asked as politely as possible. Rather distraught by this statement, Stormie looked at Cutter with a dangerous glare. "You don't know much about Go-Back tea, do you? Dobil told us all about it - didn't you, Dobil? That's not how it works, RIGHT?" she wondered aloud. The dim so-called Go-Back wasn't sure how to reply. He informed the group, "I don't believe it myself, but our visitor is right. It's an obscure alternative method practiced only every now and then... I had completely forgotten about it," he admitted, excusing himself. It need not be said that Dobil did not enjoy pain. "But of course," Cutter said, lying badly, "Perform the treament, Stormbringer." As Skywise held Woodlock still, Stormie cautiously struck the wolfless Wolfrider with the miniature dagger. Right then, Cutter grabbed the thing from her five-fingered hand. Both Stormie and Foxfur hissed furiously when they realized this deception - which happened immediately. Cutter and Skywise sent for their wolves, and broke for the door. Before a battle could break out, all the travelers were mounted - Woodlock on the zwoot - and fleeing into the horizon. Foxfur screamed at the escaping elves, "We shall meet again!!" -- [To be continued in the next installment...] This compilation was created, by Alan (John Alan Riggs), on February 17, 1999. Please refer to the other pages for legal disclaimers. -Alan