--Alan -- Another excursion into absurdity... ###################################################################### The ElfQuiz Parody: The Revisionist History Take-a-Look 4: Test Send Chapter 3: The Flying Machine ###################################################################### With no one else in sight, Rayek stood in a field of blinding white snow, gazing out towards the sinking sun. He shivered under his thick, heavy coat. "I am alone," he said, closing his eyes, "but I am not yet defeated. The things I believe in - the things that made me - have driven me to do outrageous things. Am I justified?" For a second, he paused. Rayek placed his hands together and continued, "I believe that I am. But who will support me? My own followers distrust me, much less the Wolfriders. Who will be there to help me out in times of need?" Slowly, a tall figure cast a short shadow over Rayek's shoulders. The mysterious one staggered towards the Sun Folk, making deep imprints in the frozen ground. Hoarsely, the visitor called out, "Friend... I beseech you, help me out." The body instantly crashed to the ground. As Rayek watched, the white feathers on the individual's black coat fluttered in the still air for an instant. "Curious," Rayek told himself, "This person and I are strange characters in the middle of nowhere. I can testify that I am a bit of a mad, vain quest, and though I know little of this one... Where have I heard this plot twist before?" Shrugging, Rayek picked up the long, lithe, cold body, and headed back toward Replica's End. He swore to himself that he would try to listen to this stranger's story. *** As she stood, watching the elves gather for a second time in the middle of Replica's End, Rillfisher could not help but smile. Right by her was Treestump, but his eyes were directed towards the chimney, a hand's reach away, on the rooftop where they were perched. The part- time psychologist thought, she mused, glancing at her clean blue uniform, On the high spot of the public square, it was not Kahvi, and it was certainly not Vok who was looking down on the crowd of elves. Rayek, second-in-command of the Go-Backs, told them, "Just the other day, I was out in the wilderness, and you won't believe who I bumped into." For a second he paused, lifting his right hand up high, then continued, "A fellow known as Lord Voll. From the information I've gained, I've determined that he knows the Wolfriders among us. Well, though he's still not feeling too well, he's made a request of us. I do suggest you listen to me--after all, it's about time that a certain tribe stop relying on *our* supplies." Several voices in the crowd grumbled. Most members of the two tribes were there, excepting the ones that were wounded or involved with various unspeakable projects. It had been several days since the Wolfriders' uncanny landing, but they were still not keen to move out. From his pedestal, Rayek continued, "This is the quest that Voll has set before you: go out into the wastelands, and make corpses of Santaclaus and his minions. Voll wishes that he could be there with you, but as of yet he--" Again, the crowd grumbled. "Grumble, grumble, grumble," Nightfall quietly said, puckering her lips. Feeling thrown for a loop, Rayek frowned. He muttered, "Apparently someone's been listening to old comedy albums," but went on, "To satisfy your suspicions, I'll say this up front. According to Voll, a more reliable source than many I know--" he glared at Rillfisher-- "the rumors are true. Santaclaus is an actual, living elf. Furthermore, he is evil. He reportedly has a brace of fiercely loyal henchmen, and a group of enslaved, brainwashed elves in his thrall." Rayek shrugged. "I don't make up the news, I just report it," he said. At this, Cutter threw up his arms. Finally out of bed after several rough days, he loudly said, "Oh, bugger it. Let's go, Wolfriders. It's all too clear that Rayek doesn't want us here. Besides, after we clean up, we'll once again be able to prove our worth to him." The other Wolfriders looked toward him. As one, they said, "Might as well." For several minutes, they filled the cavern of Replica's End with their loud howls. *** The better Wolfrider warriors now stood outside the cavern, looking toward the bleak horizon. Prophetic as ever, Skywise said, "It sure looks like a long way to go." Heroically, his cape blew in the wind. "Oh, stop it with the visual filler," Leetah told him, scowling, "Anyway, we probably won't be able to see Santaclaus' place until we're nearly on it." She fastened the clasp on her fur hood, feeling thankful that she could wear non-ridiculous garments in this installment. Before the group even put their feet forward, they saw a large spiral of wind on the horizon. Twisting ceaselessly, driven by the wind, it was approaching them. Each member of the group blinked twice and instantly went into high-camp panic mode. With the exception of Ekuar, they ran in separate directions. But the wounded elf was not left alone, for a moment later, the elves all happened to go the same direction. In their madness, they ran towards Ekuar, and all collapsed in a giant heap. A minute later, the "tornado" suddenly stopped in front of the pile of elves. It quit whirling, and slowly, different shapes emerged from it. This didn't help, as all but two were polar bears, and they blended in rather well with the terrain. However, the other two creatures were quite different. One was a large, three-meter-high beast. Fully half its body was a massive head, with jaws large enough to consume a large wolf in one try. The rest of its body consisted of thin, bony legs and two arms, which were twenty centimeters long at best. But if this odd horror wasn't bad enough, the other was... A normal-looking elf. Oh, maybe that was exaggeration. Actually, she was as short as a half-grown Wolfrider, and she had no arms. The leer on her face was half-hearted, for her jaw and forehead were covered by thick layers of bandages. This elf was dressed entirely in yellow, from her long tunic to her shoes. Stepping in front of the monster, she asked, "Is this a bad time for a discussion?" Slowly unraveling, the elves looked in each others' directions. Trying to emphasize his individuality, Skot said, "Rather." With that, the group hit the ground. Before the polar bears could react, they ran around the pack, and into the distance. The elf looked down at the half-thawed ground. "Pity," she said in a pouty voice, kicking once, "I didn't even get to tell them of my evil intentions!" *** Meanwhile, some distance below the ground, Suntop was keeping a watch on the world above. By using a periscope that Rayek had invented, he could see what was going on out there. Squinting, he looked through the small hole. All that his eyes could see was a blur of white. Then, still bored as ever, he turned towards Ember, and said, "All quiet on the sun-goes-down front." "Thank you, brother-dear," Ember said all-too-pleasantly. Walking from one end of the public square to the other, she had a new air of authority about her. For the allied tribes, that was a good thing--the only half-competent warriors were undergoing a complex and delicate surgical procedure, and if anyone interrupted them, one of two would instantly die. As stiff as a steel board, she paced in the other direction. Out of curiosity, Woodlock looked at Ember. He hadn't had a speaking part in several chapters, and needed a line desperately. "So," he said, forcing the words out, "Why did you use the phrase 'brother- dear'? Wouldn't it be more efficient to just use 'brother-chan'? Or are you one of those people who actually prefer the methods of English language adaptations?" For a nervous second, Ember stared at Woodlock. "What are you talking about?" she asked, waving her left hand in front of his face, "I can talk to you about my ideas for the defense of this place. I can talk to you about my plan for grasping the chieftainship of my tribe. I can even talk about the ideas I will employ once I have control of the tribe. I'm calling it 'the Charhut policy,' by the way. But what on the World of Two Moons are you babbling about?" At that moment, Redlance stepped out of the shadows, and barged right into the conversation. He told Ember, "Woodlock doesn't know what he's talking about. I think he thinks we're in an anime series. You'll have to mind him, should he make a faux pas or two." The tree-shaper sighed from lack of sleep. "I knew it!" shouted Woodlock at Redlance, "You're one of those evil adaptors! Heretic! Naysayer! Thief!" He dashed toward Redlance. Without even blinking, Redlance stepped out of the way. "Don't step on my politics, buddy," he muttered. Meanwhile, Ember was still staring into space. She approached Redlance and said, "How about we talk about me?" *** "Ill met by sunlight, Newstar," Scouter hissed, glaring at his fellow Wolfrider. He pulled a dagger out of his boot and said, "Are you or aren't you planning to begin an organization to oppose the Cub Scouters?" Standing in an open space, where all the others could see the going-ons, he coiled like a snake. After taking a sip from her frozen coffee drink, Newstar looked up at Scouter's face. "I don't know what you're talking about," she told him, "And if you ask me anything else, I'll probably deny it straight- off." As usual, she was wearing a loose green dress, but with the sober, somber expression on her face, she looked like a true slacker. After a second of scowling, Scouter caught his breath. He then asked her, "Very well. Now explain to me what happened to Ahdri. She went into Savah's hut some time ago, and hasn't been since since!" Trying to look macho, he growled. Curling her lip, Newstar replied, "I've got two theories running on that. One: she saw that Savah had awakened, and having awakened, she began to perform bizarre and esoteric rituals on Sun-Toucher, who thankfully is comatose as well. Two: she saw that Savah had awakened, and having awakened, she went into this one scene from 'Zot!' and now Ahdri has to provide her with clothing." Scouter's jaw dropped. Stammering, he said, "Well... I guess I give up for now. Go on, have fun with your little rebellion." With that, he walked away, leaving Newstar quite stunned. *** The elves looked across the wide chasm, up towards Santaclaus' "hut." The structure was a massive building, with red-and-green glowing lights decked all about it. It was as high as the top of the Bridge of Density, and as wide as Glue Fountain had been deep. "Wow," Nightfall said in deep awe, "It's so... so big. Oh... oh bugger it all! I wish Redlance were here." She began seething, and pouring smoke out the top of her head. With a blank look on his face, Treestump said, "No, that wouldn't be very wise. He's the plant, and you're the sword, if I remember right." Immediately, Nightfall began jumping about furiously, and screaming out meaningless words. Rillfisher then looked at Treestump, and told him, "I think you missed the point." She then resumed twiddling her thumbs. After the Wolfrider had calmed down, Rayek spoke up. He announced to the group, "My friends, we are now faced with a steep cliff and a difficult assault. Fortunately, I have a better way of getting there. Meet my treewee friend: Dyo-er-vi!" Proudly, he lifted a small, furry treewee out of his backpack. In front of the other elves, it purred. All fell silent for a moment. Of course, someone had to speak up, and this time, the honor went to Kahvi. She told her fellow leader, "Rayek... explain!" As irrepressible as ever, Rayek grinned. He knelt down, and fed the animal a dreamberry. Slowly, he stood up, and stepped back. With a fair amount of growling and hissing, the treewee leapt into the air, and literally unfolded itself. The fur turned to metal, and before the elves knew it, Dyo-er-vi was a flying machine - looking like a spherical mass of pointed spikes. "Impressive," Cutter said. He put away his sword and walked towards the machine. -- And that's all for this installment. PRETENTIOUS PREVIEW: Did Lord Voll actually try to create life? What's wrong with Woodlock's life today? Why does Rillfisher have a *blue* uniform? Where did Skywise get his cape, and where can humans find one? Will this preview have any effect on the next chapter? Stay tuned, for there is a chance that some questions may be answered in... Chapter 4: Elves at Work! ...But I doubt it. -Alan If you got any of the three obvious allusions in this chapter, please e-mail me. I need to know if anyone actually understands this... Believe in the Miracle Merger!