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Colemanballs
April 8th, 1999

"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common sense." - Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991

"He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!" RTE's (Ireland) - George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis Suarez's substitution of Butragueno during their world cup qualifier with Ireland in Seville,1992

"Ach, not the Dutch again. You are all assholes anyway and Adolf should have gotten rid of you." - Lothar Mattaus after being cornered by a Dutch TV camera crew at Bayern Munich's training ground in 1994.

"He left the same way he arrived - fired with enthusiasm" - Joe Lovejoy of the Sunday Times on the sacking of Graham Taylor as England Manager.

"I've always said there's a place for the press, but they haven't dug it yet" - Tommy Docherty.

"It's just another case of the nigger in the woodpile, isn't it?" - Geoff Hurst commentating for ITV, while sitting next to Garth Crooks.

"England have not won a game for three months. The fact that we have not played one is irrelevant. Graham Taylor should hang, and so should his successor" - Item in Viz, September, 1993

"The only mates he had in all his time at Liverpool were straight out of the vending machine" - Tommy Smith on Emlyn Hughes. [for non-Brits, "Mates" are the name of a condom brand in the UK]

"A million wouldn't buy him, and I'd be one of them." - Bill Shankley-Liverpool Manager.

"Viv Anderson has pissed a fatness test." - ITV commentator John Helm.

"We've been playing for 61 minutes here in Serravalle, and it's just occurred to me that Scotland are drawing 0-0 with a mountaintop" - BBC Radio Scotland commentator Ian Archer on San Marino v Scotland,May,1991.

"The symbol of peace...the pigeon!" - RTE's Jimmy Magee at the 1982 World Cup finals opening ceremony.

"I expect them to come out - oh dear, I'd better not say fighting, had I?" - Tottenham assistant coach Peter Shreeves on European Cup-Winners Cup opponents Hajduk Split of Croatia

"LOONY ROONS BARGY ARGIES!" - Headline in The Sun following Cameroon's 1-0 victory over defending champions Argentina in the opening match of Italia'90.

"I used to go missing a lot - Miss Canada, Miss United Kingdom, Miss Germany..." - George Best.


"Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead." - Tom Ferrie

"And with 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0." - Ian Dark

"That's football, Mike, Northern Ireland have had several chances and haven't scored but England have had no chances and scored twice." - Trevor Brooking

"Being naturally right-footed he doesn't often chance his arm with his left foot." - Trevor Brooking

"Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's won't be any different." - Trevor Brooking

What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio - Gerry Francis

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." - David Acfield

"In terms of the Richter Scale this defeat was a force eight gale." - John Lyall

"And Arsenal now have plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds." - Peter Jones

"The game is balanced in Arsenal's favor." - John Motson

"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip" - John Motson

"What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball they are attacking their opponents goal." - Jimmy Hill

"...and so they have not been able to improve their 100% record." - Sports RoundUp

"Bobby Robson must be thinking of throwing some fresh legs on." - Kevin Keegan

"I don't think there is anybody bigger or smaller than Maradona" - Kevin Keegan

"They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Highway and he's nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different" - Kevin Keegan

"Celtic were at one time nine points ahead, but somewhere along the road, their ship went off the rails." - Richard Park

"It was that game that put the Everton ship back on the road." - Alan Green

"A contract on a piece of paper, saying you want to leave, is like a piece of paper saying you want to leave." - John Hollins

"And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley......unless somebody knocks us out." - Dave Bassett

"You have got to miss them to score sometimes." - Dave Bassett

"He's very fast and if he gets a yard ahead of himself nobody will catch him." - Bobby Robson

"If we played like this every week, we wouldn't be so inconsistent" - Bobby Robson

"If there weren't such a thing as football, we'd all be frustrated footballers" - Mick Lyons

"Many clubs have a question mark in the shape of an axe-head hanging over them." - Malcolm McDonald

"Mirandinha will have more shots this afternoon than both sides put together." - Malcolm McDonald

"He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head" - Derek Johnstone, BBC TV Scotland (1994)

"Tottenham have impressed me. They haven't thrown in the towel even though they have been under the gun." - Bobby Charlton

"Tottenham are trying tonight to become the first London team to win this Cup. The last team to do so was the 1973 Spurs side." - Mike Ingham

"The shot from Laws was precise but wide." - Alan Parry

"Souness gave Fleck a second chance and he grabbed it with both feet." - James Sanderson

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel" - Stuart Pearce

"In comparison, there's no comparison." - Ron Greenwood

"They have missed so many chances they must be wringing their heads in shame." - Ron Greenwood

"Glenn Hoddle hasn't been the Hoddle we know. Neither has Bryan Robson" - Ron Greenwood

The crowd think that Todd handled the ball.... they must have seen something that nobody else did" - Barry Davies

"It's headed away by John Clark, using his head." - Derek Rae

"There's no way Ryan Giggs is another George Best. He's another Ryan Giggs" - Denis Law

"The only thing I have in common with George Best is that we come from the same place..play for the same club..and were discovered by the same man." - Norman Whiteside

"I spent four indifferent years at Goodison Park, but they were great years." - Martin Hodge

"I would also think that the action replay showed it to be worse than it actually was." - Ron Atkinson

"I'm going to make a prediction - it could go either way." - Ron Atkinson

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat." - Ron Atkinson

"Beckenbauer really has gambled all his eggs." - Ron Atkinson

"Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve." - John Greig

"Football's not like an electric light. You can't just flick the switch and change from quick to slow." - John Greig

"I'm not a believer in luck..... but I do believe you need it." - Alan Ball

"They have got their feet on the ground and if they stay that way they will go places." - John Gidman

"The Uruguayans are losing no time in making a meal around the referee." - Mike Ingham

"I think that was a moment of cool panic there." - Ron Atkinson

"And there's Ray Clemence looking as cool as ever out in the cold." - Jimmy Hill

"....and the news from Guadalajara where the temperature is 96 degrees, is that Falcao is warming up." - Brian Moore

"Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins." - Brain Moore

Jimmy Hill "Don't sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany has got of getting through?" - Terry Venables: "I think it's fifty - fifty"

"Certain people are for me and certain people are pro me." - Terry Venables

"If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the same thing again." - Terry Venables

"And he's got the icepack on his groin there, so possibly not the old shoulder injury." - Ray French

"I never make predictions and I never will." -Paul Gascoigne

"When an expatriate team play a local Indonesian team, the expatriate team always wins" - Tony Winyard, before ISCI got hammered by an Indonesian team at the 1996 Jakarta Highland Games

Not about footie, but here's two classic crackers anyway!

"Ah! isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew" - Harry Carpenter, BBC TV Boat Race (1977)

"And Juantorina opens his legs and shows his class" - David Coleman, Olympic 800 meters finals

"I'm going down so often these days you'd think I was making a blue movie." - Boxer John Conteh after being knocked out by Matthew Sa'ad Muhammed.


Some more golden oldies!

"The new West Stand casts a giant shadow over the pitch, even on a sunny day" - Chris Jones, Evening Standard

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack - will you stay in football?" - Stuart Hall, Radio 5 Live

"Unfortunately, we keep kicking ourselves in the foot" - Ray Wilkins, BBC1

"I've got a gut feeling in my stomach" - Alan Sugar, BBC1

"I'm not saying he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better" - Ron Atkinson, Carling Premiership WWW Page

"Johnston has revelled in the hole behind Dwight Yorke" - Carling FA Premiership WWW Page

"An inch or two either side of the post and that would been a goal" - Dave Basset, SKY Sports

"Both sides have scored a couple of goals and both sides have conceded a couple of goals" - Peter Withe, Radio 5 Live

"You don't score 64 goals in 86 games at the highest level without being able to score goals" - Alan Green, Radio 5 Live

"What's it like being in Bethlehem, the place where Christmas began? I suppose it's like seeing Ian Wright at Arsenal" - Simon Fanshawe, Talk Radio

"And we all know in football, if you stand still you go backwards" - Peter Reid, Tyne Tees Sports Special

"I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable place for goalies is between their legs" - Andy Gray, SKY Sports

"The lad got over excited when he saw the whites of the goalposts eyes" - Steve Coppell, Radio 5 Live

"They (Rosenberg) have won 66 games, and they've scored in all of them" - Brian Moore, ITV

"If you can't stand the heat of the dressing room, get out of the kitchen" - Terry Venables, Capital Gold

"The lads really ran their socks into the ground" - Alex Ferguson

"He (Brian Laudrup) wasn't just facing one defender - he was facing one at the front and one at the back as well" - Trevor Steven, STV

"It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday" - Radio 5 Live

"...but Arsenal are quick to credit Bergkamp for laying on 75% on their nine goals" - Tony Gubba, BBC Match of the Day

"... an excellent player, but he (Ian Wright) does have a dark side" - Gary Lineker, BBC

"We say educated left foot,... of course there are many players with educated right foots" - Ron Jones, Radio 5 Live

"That's twice now he (Terry Phelan) has got between himself and the goal" - Brian Marwood, Radio 5 Live

"Mark Hughes at his very best, he loves to feel people right behind him" - Kevin Keegan

"Football today, it's like a game of chess, it's all about money" - Newcastle United fan, Radio 5 Live

"Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice" - Kevin Keegan, Radio 5 Live

"We threw our dice into the ring and turned up trumps" - Bruce Rioch, ITV

"And I suppose they (Spurs) are nearer to being out of the FA Cup now than any other time since the first half of the season, when they weren't even in it anyway" - John Motson, BBC

"...and he crossed the line with the ball almost mesmerically tied to his foot with a ball of string" - Ian Darke, Radio 5

"I've told the players to win so that I can have the cash to buy some new ones" - Chris Turner, Peterborough Manager, before LC QF, 1992.

"Tell the Kraut to get his ass up front. We don't pay a million for a guy to hang around in defense" - New York Cosmos executive, on Beckenbauer's positioning.

"I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered" - George Best

"If we played like that every week, we wouldn't be so inconsistent" - Bryan Robson, Man United, 1990

"That's great, tell him he's Pele and get him back on" - John Lambie, Partick manager, when told a concussed striker did not know who he was.

"Fulham Football Club seeks a Manager / Genius" - Newspaper ad, 1991

"Ardiles strokes the ball like it was part of his anatomy" - Jimmy Magee, RTE WC commentator

"We didn't underestimate them - they were a lot better than we thought" - Bobby Robson, after England very nearly lost to Cameroon, WC 1990

"We'll still be happy to lose, it's on at the same time as the Beer Festival" - Niall O'Mahoney, Cork City Manager before a UEFA game with Bayern Munich.

"There's the African defender doing the spadework for his team-mates." - John Motson-UK commentator.

"It's hard to be passionate twice a week" - George Graham on Arsenal's punishing schedule, 1991.