"A Very-Important Lesson for Cindy and Topanga"
Okay, so, here's the new former child star rule: If you're going to be on a morning radio show -- and Danielle Fishel and Susan Olsen, this specifically applies to the two of you -- either (a) don't go out drinking the night before; (b) go out drinking, fine, but regretfully cancel your appearance the next morning; or, (c) go out drinking, keep the appearance, but do not -- repeat, do not -- mention it on the air.
Fake it. Fake it like Dock Ellis pitching a perfect game on LSD. Just fake it. Unless, that is, you want to have your life categorized as "Sad Sad" by Perez Hilton, or, worse, judged "sad" by a couple of deejays in Denver.
I know, I know, you want to seem cool. You want to show you've got nothing to hide. You want to prove conclusively that you're not 11 anymore -- why, you don't just enjoy adult beverages, you get smashed!
Forget it. It doesn't work. You're 11. Always. That means it's never 27-year-old Danielle Fishel copping to being hungover, or 46-year-old Susan Olsen talking about getting bombed, it's li'l Topanga Lawrence and li'l Cindy Brady d-r-i-n-k-i-n-g. And -- holy moly! -- even in an election year, that's big Fox News news.
Look, I believe both incidents were overblown. At least to outside ears, Fishel, you didn't sound wasted on the show in Boston in May, and, Olsen, you didn't seem troubled on the show in Denver on Thursday -- until, um, you excused yourself from the studio to empty the contents of your stomach. Which you wouldn't have done, excuse yourself, that is, if you'd been as "bizarre" as the poor folks at "Darren & Coba" -- now apparently scarred for life -- proclaimed afterward.
But what is is: Nearly 35,000 YouTube views and counting, as of this writing, Olsen, for the clip of your on-air misadventure.
Next time, just say no. To the bartender. To the radio station. Or, maybe above all, to the impulse to share.
You think Dock Ellis told his manager he could hear the strike zone?
(Originally published by Joal Ryan on July 5, 2008.)
c. Joal Ryan