From: "A-kun McCrillis" To: ffml@fanfic.com Subject: [FFML] [FFML][Eva][Humor][Weird] Neon Sign Evangelion 2 part 1 Date: Wed, 22 Mar 2000 17:21:01 PST X-archive-position: 8201 Sender: ffml-bounce@fanfic.com X-original-sender: akun15@hotmail.com We said we'd never make a second one. We were joking. =========================== NEON SIGN EVANGELION PART 2 =========================== That's right, we're doing a second one. And you're damn well going to read! WARNING: This contains spoilers for those who don't know the REAL story behind the Evangelions. ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ _____ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ Synchronization Ratio 1.0 ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ _____ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ As Angel 14, codename Ramiel, was being devoured by Evangelion Unit 01, Misato lost her lunch. The scene of blood was mixed with the vaguely cute way Evangelion 01 was munching on the core and slurping blood out of Ramiel's skull. It should be noted that Ritsuko was picking her nose while everyone was focused on Eva-01, eventually clearing it with a good farmer's blow. Finally, Eva-01 stumbled to it's feet, walked over to a nearby pond and dumped it's armor as if tossing off a robe, causing everyone to gasp as they saw the Evangelion had hair on it's head. Short and purple hair at that. Well, short hair for an Evangelion. It looked vaguely like Maya's hairdo. Suddenly, they heard a noise. It was familiar and yet, it was a lot louder than it normally was. Everyone was curious as to what the Eva was doing since they couldn't see more than it's head. More curious than the rest of the group, Misato and Ritsuko began walking towards the Eva, never getting more than it's head into their line of sight. Makoto and Shigeru followed the duo. Maya had fainted, but thankfully for her, everyone else was too busy staring at the Evangelion, so they wouldn't give a damn that she had her thumb to her right nostril and her ring finger to her ear (don't hurt yourselves, people). As the group of four humans neared the pond, they saw something, but couldn't make out what it was. There seemed to be a lot of it. Finally, as they passed the final tree that blocked their view, they saw what the Evangelion was doing. "Do you MIND?! I'm taking a bath!" the giant and very naked form of Yui Ikari asked as she shampooed her hair again. Makoto and Shigeru passed out from blood loss, Ritsuko began drooling uncontrollably and Misato politely offered to scrub Yui's back. Back at NERV HQ, Fuyutsuki and Gendo stared out at the giant and naked Yui. "The council isn't going to like this one bit." Fuyutsuki responded. "Let them whine." Gendo said, drooling a bit before continuing, "I've got what I always wanted." At the pond, Ritsuko finally looked away from Yui as she heard some screaming. A figure fell to her left. Ritsuko turned and looked down to find Shinji laying face-first in the sand at her feet. "Shinji, you okay?" Ritsuko asked. Shinji slowly raised his head and glared up at the blonde scientist, incidentally catching sight of her panties. "Ritsuko, tell me this: If you had just gone through what I just went through, which was experiencing having my arm blown off, then killing and devouring a 68 ton Angel, then suddenly being teleported fifty feet above ground to land facefirst in sand, would YOU be okay?" Shinji asked. "I.... guess not." Ritsuko responded, helping the poor fourteen year old up. "SHINJI!" Yui cried, seeing her son. She picked her up and cradled him against her giant bosom as Misato continued to wash Yui's back. "GAAAAACCCCCKKKKK!! Mom, I can't barely breathe!" Shinji cried in a panic and incidentally making less sense than normal. Yui, hearing Shinji pleas of desperation, leaned forward in the pond and placed Shinji on the opposite side of the pond from Ritsuko, who had just passed out from a nosebleed. Misato continued to wash Yui's back as the giant woman lay propped up by her elbows in the pond. Shinji was Yui's son, so she didn't want him passing out from a nosebleed like everyone else, save Misato, who seemed to be doing just fine while still scrubbing the giant woman's back. However, Misato had somehow changed into a tight-fitting Navy sailor suit and the theme song from "Popeye the Sailor Man" played mysteriously in the background. Misato danced to the song, while continuing to scrub Yui's back. "Oh, tell me all about yourself. All I know is that it's been _years_ since we last saw each other, sweetie." Yui asked. "Uh, well..." Shinji began. The giant woman gestured to the pile of metal next to her as she looked down at the young woman before her. "You're kidding, right? I've got to put on this tacky outfit?" Yui Ikari, aka. Evangelion Unit 01, demanded. "Sorry ma'am, but due to the number of nosebleeds that have been occurring around base, we have to have you put SOMETHING on, and this was the only thing we could come up with on such short notice. We should have a better suit made in about a week or so." Maya responded, trying to ignore the giant bosom right in front of her. It seemed like the catwalk got lower every day. Luckily, she already had kleenex stuffed up each nostril, so chances of her passing out were lowered. "......" Yui fumed, obviously not liking the idea of doning what looked like a giant suit of metal armor that was supposed to look like a suit of armor, but resembled a bunch of cardboard boxes that had been stapled haphazardly together. When she had finally placed all of the "armor" on, she looked expectantly at Maya. "Now what?" Yui asked. "Um, well, I, uh, what do you mean?" Maya inquired. "I meant, what else is there to do? I can't just STAND here all day, every day!" Yui protested. "I don't know, ma'am. I'll have to run it past Commander Ikari." Maya responded. "_COMMANDER_?!?! A man who cries when he can't find his favorite boxers in the morning is your COMMANDER?!" Yui asked. Maya nodded. Yui burst into laughter. Gendo looked at his wife, who was sitting in coolant as all the Evas did when they weren't in battle. "Yui..." Gendo began. Yui fixed Gendo with a stern look. Gendo next balked, but it was better to face Yui now. One thing he had learned with her was that if he tried to avoid an argument or her scolding, she only got madder the next time. "ShINji tells me-" Gendo began, his voice cracking under the harsh glare of his wife. "Shinji told me _all_ about it, _GENDO_." Yui responded. Gendo whimpered and backed down. Yui only used his full name when she was severely angry at him. Proving that Like Son, Like Father, Gendo began muttering to himself, "I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away..." (So, it IS in Shinji's jeans. Oh, and Shinji's genes too.) "Uh, wELL, you sEE, it was like this..." Gendo began, his voice still cracking. It was worse than when he was going through puberty and his voice kept changing because, back then, it was SUPPOSED to change. Gendo began the tedious task of trying to convince his wife that what he did was right. "I'm no good at parenting! I can barely keep the dishes clean! And I have Ritsuko doing-" Gendo began, before realizing that he had to come up with a good excuse as to why Ritsuko would be in his apartment. After all, if Yui ever found out about the wild nights, the cursing, the swearing, the deck of nudey cards, the fact that he had lost his car to Ritsuko, but he won an entire year of her doing his laundry, the giant Yui would probably go on a rampage. After all, Yui had never approved of Gendo's uncontrollable desire to gamble. "-me a favor and helping me with the laundry." Gendo finished. "What happened to Naoko?" Yui demanded, glancing around and not seeing her best friend. "Why, Naoko..." Gendo began. He couldn't tell his wife that he had cheated on her, but if she asked Ritsuko what happened.... "...got killed in a traffic accident. We're cloning her!" Gendo responded, mentally cursing his memory. He had to get blood from before he and Naoko started their affair and hope that was enough to clone her. After all, he didn't want Naoko blackmailing him. Of course, since Naoko had been 32 years old back then, she would wind up only four years older than Ritsuko. Gendo began realizing that trying to get out of trouble with his wife was getting costly and complicated. "Well, I hope you do a good job, Gendo. She deserves that at least for all the hard work she's done." Yui responded. "Yes, honey..." Gendo said. "Don't think you're off the hook. I _still_ want to know why you let my sister raise Shinji. You know she and her husband are completely incompetant when it comes to raising children. Hell, you can't even let them babysit without the child coming out with severe emotional scars." Yui scolded. "Yes, honey..." Gendo responded. "My half-cousin Ayame, she was _always_ good at raising children..." Yui mused. Gendo sat down on the catwalk. Once Yui got rambling, it took a while for her to finish. Shinji entered his father's office, a tad surprised when he saw his father rubbing his temples as he drew close to his father's desk. Gendo took note of his son's approach and turned to him. Shinji realized it was the first time he had seen his father not wearing his shades. "Uh, father?" Shinji asked. "Call me 'dad', Shinji." Gendo advised. "All right... dad." Shinji responded, confused as he continued, "What did you need me to see me about?" "Um, I don't suppose you could talk with your mom, could you?" Gendo inquired. "I guess I could. About what?" Shinji requested. ".....Rei." Gendo answered. "Yeah, what about Rei?" Shinji asked. Gendo realized he had never told his son about Rei's true nature. He braced himself, idly wondering how Shinji might take the news, before deciding to tell Shinji the story. "Well, you see, when your mother died, I was heartbroken. I was irrational and I did quite a few stupid things. One of which resulted in Rei." Gendo began. "YOU HAD AN AFFAIR?!" Shinji demanded, slamming a fist onto Gendo's desk, startling the Commander and Chief of NERV. "NO!" Gendo responded, panicking as he desperately tried to get his thoughts in order. After all, Shinji actually getting more hostile than casting a harsh glare was quite disturbing. And Gendo was disturbed enough as it was. "Oh." Shinji answered. Shinji relaxed. "I tried to scrape together some DNA from your mother and create a clone. However, we lacked sufficient samples. According to some research, I found that the DNA we had was too little to make a proper clone as it would lack the ability to pilot Eva, as was her desire before she passed on. So, we had to mix in some Angel DNA that we had, but I feared that the Angel DNA mix take over the cognitive functions of the Yui clone, so I tossed in some other DNA I had laying around." Gendo continued. "You were juryrigging mom?!" Shinji asked, staring at his father. "Essentially." Gendo replied. "......." Shinji pronunciated. Shinji stared at his father again. He considered leaving, but decided against it. He was learning about Rei, after all, and hearing the full story would help in figuring her out. "What other DNA did you have 'laying around'?" Shinji inquired. "mmmmiffftmmmmm." Gendo mumbled. Shinji blinked. His father MUMBLING?! This was getting serious. "Who's DNA?" Shinji asked. "Ritsuko's." Gendo said, staring at the ceiling. Shinji blinked again. It made sense, all of a sudden. The leering towards Asuka when the fiery redhead was in anything less than a school uniform, the constant swiping of Misato's panties, the offer to take Shinji to the local strip club and leer at the naked ladies, the frequent "backrubs" from Maya... Shinji had been wondering what the hell happened to Rei after the once silent girl had her last check up with Ritsuko. He had inquired to Ritsuko, but all he got from the blonde scientist was that Rei had had her first "special moment" and that she was "becoming a woman". Shinji had tried to get a response about that from Asuka, Misato, Pen-Pen and even Kaji, but all of them had pretty much danced around the subject, never coming within an Evangelion's armslength of the actual answer Shinji was looking for. "Okay, how do I explain it to mom?" Shinji asked. "Don't ask me, I just work here." Gendo responded, hitting a button on his desk. Shinji fell through a hole that appeared in Gendo's floor just beneath his feet. In seconds, he found himself in front of his mother. "SHINJI!" Yui cried, hurrying over to her son. Shinji thought about how he was going to explain Rei to his mom when he barely understood himself. He was knocked down by the tidal wave Yui's sudden lunge had caused. Later, in a meeting, Misato, Ritsuko, Fuyutski, Rei, Asuka, Shinji, Kensuke, Touji and Hikari sat in a conference room. "Okay, Shinji, you and Hikari are assigned to Eva-05 and Eva-06. I'll leave it to you two to figure out who get's which Eva." Fuyutski. "I GET EVA 5!" Hikari called before cuddling up to Touji, pilot of Eva-04. "Okay..." Fuyutski began. "Um, excuse me, sir, but weren't Kai Ikari and Magus Cyric Davis supposed to pilot those Evas?" Shinji asked. "Oh, they've been reassigned to a very important duty. Don't worry, you'll see them again, but you probably won't recognize them." Fuyutsuki responded. Meanwhile, at a very near meat factory... "Hey, help me shove this avatar's feet into the grinder. It's a tad stuck." one worker said. "Sure. Ain't it great? These poor bastards'll be bologna in a matter of minutes." the second worker responded. "Hey, they're already shipping out some bologna already." a third worker commented. "Well, guess these feet'll be in the next shipment." the first worker declared. Back at NERV.... "Fresh bologna sandwiches, straight from the factory!" Makoto Hyuga said, entering the conference room pushing a cart. Maya and Shigeru followed behind Makoto. "MMMMM! I _love_ ones straight from the factory. You can still taste the BLOOD." Touji said, snatching four off of the cart. "Eeeew, Touji. Don't be gross." Hikari said, taking two for herself. Everyone save Fuyutsuki and Rei took bologna sandwiches. Fuyutsuki took the chocolate pudding while Rei had the vegetarian sandwich and some chocolate pudding of her own. Little did Rei know that the vegetarian sandwich was an ordinary bologna sandwich with green food dye #168 mixed in just before packaging. However, neither Fuyutsuki nor Rei knew what was REALLY in the chocolate pudding. That's right. Leftover tapioca pudding. "Nmfo famdmich fom mou?" Misato asked, her mouth full of bologna. Fuyutski sweatdropped. If she only knew... and yet, she looked adorable with what was probably Kai Ikari's left kidney in her mouth. "No thanks. I had a big breakfast." Fuyutsuki answered. "By the way, where's Commander Ikari?" Asuka asked, looking around for the overly dramatic man that lead NERV. "He's.... busy. Doing very important business." Fuyutsuki answered. Meanwhile, at a nearby crane machine... "Come on... come on..." Gendo chanted. The "Insta-Clone" box that was being held precariously in the crane's grasp was slowly edging over to the drop area when it suddenly dropped for the six hundred and fiftieth time. Cursing, Gendo, pulled out another fifty dollar bill and cursed himself for putting all the _good_ prizes in the $1 per try crane game machine. But, fifty more tries would probably do the trick. And once he got that box, he could make a clone of Naoko to show Yui. He briefly realized that that would mean he'd have to PAY Naoko to make it seem official to everyone, but decided that being squished like Kaoru had been, would _not_ be even remotely as dramatic or traumatizing to _anyone's_ ego. Least of all, Shinji's. As he managed to snag another Naga the Great White Hype..er, Serpent doll instead of the Insta-Clone box, he began considering what he was going to tell everyone else about Naoko's sudden reappearance. "'Listen, dammit, I'm the commander and I'm telling you to all accept this or I'll pop a cap in every ass here'...nah. Not even remotely IC for me. Wait, why the hell would I care about IC or OOC?" Back at the meeting... Fuyutsuki addressed everyone, while mentally trying to decide what parts of the two dead avatars were being digested. Mostly intestines and lung, he guessed, not wanting to know the actual truth, which was lips and sphincters...oops, my mistake. Those were in the hot dogs. "All right, the final piece of business. Once again, we aren't going to be getting nearly enough funding to continue living as we are, so..." Fuyutsuki began. "You're not going to sell another clone of me at auction, are you?" Rei IIXV inquired. "Hey, you aren't supposed to be here." Rei II responded. "F**k you." Rei IV retaliated. "Yeah, stick it up your a$$." Rei III snorted. "YOU DIE! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE!" Rei I screamed, leaping into the room and bashing the three stray clones over the heads before dragging them off. Deciding to ignore the errant clones and the fact that timelines between the events were so screwed up that an Episode 3 Asuka was walking past the open door while humming to herself, despite the fact that there _was_ no Episode 3 Asuka, since Asuka didn't show up until, what, the seventh episode or so, the meeting continued, because the comma quota had been used up for the paragraph, which can be anything between 3 to 8 lines if any of us recalls English lessons correctly, even though school sucks and I don't want to remember any of it, and we'll stop rambling now. "As I was saying, since we, once again, will not be getting enough funding, we have opted to make allowances..." Fuyutsuki began again. "COOL! What's it at? 1000 yen? 50,000 yen?" Asuka inquired. "AS I was saying, we have opted to make CHANGES. From now on, to reduce the amount of gasoline wasted by Misato, Ritsuko, Maya, Makoto, Shigeru, myself, Gendo and numerous other employees going home, to the nudie clubs, and coming back, we're now going to be giving you access to bicycles and you'll all be moving into the Geofront." Fuyutsuki finished. "WHAT?!" seemed to be the dominant demand from everyone. Rei II and Maya asked if there was any more Pocari Sweat in the 'fridge. "IT'S LOGICAL, PEOPLE!" Fuyutsuki yelled, startling everyone. Collecting his patience again, Fuyutsuki continued, "In a burst of logic, the script writers actually came up with a realistic idea because, let's face it, we can't afford another incident like the ninth Angel. Also, all Eva pilots are to discontinue going to school." "It's kinda hard to continue, what with the city destroyed after the destruction of Eva-00 and the 16th Angel. Poor Rei II. Never had a chance...." Rei II said, seemingly forgetting that SHE was the one that she was referring to. "Yeah, and we all know that if the school had a rat's ass of surviving that explosion, I wouldn't have had the free time to survey the devastation, during which I met Kaworu." Shinji said. "Who's that?" Touji asked. "The 17th Angel, also known as Tabris. I killed him by squishing him with Eva-01's hand." Shinji explained. Kaworu Nagisa burst through the closed door into the room, "Am I real late?" "Okay, OKAY!" Kihle yelled among the confusion. SEELE was not taking the temporal mishaps very well. Stranger still, some of the council members remembered only hearing about the 3rd Angel, while others could swear they had sent Evangelion Units 5-13 to Tokyo-3 in order to destroy the base and retrieve Lillith or whatever had been stuck into the basement of NERV HQ. Once Kihle had shouted, everyone else continued to argue. So, Kihle hit the button marked "Obedience". A cacophony of pain-filled yelps followed, along with silence soon afterwards. "This is what I _think_ is going on. We've got a Plot Loop." Kihle declared. This started another mini-debate. Kihle wished he hadn't allowed members of the FFML into SEELE. It was getting ridiculous. Kihle hit the button and silence struck again. And no, Sailor Saturn wasn't around. She and Sean had been stuck in a wall of Crystal Tokyo or something like that. "What can we do about it?" a helpful, yet unnamed, FFML...er, SEELE member inquired. "We can either attempt to try and figure out what the hell happened, which will result in temporary or even permanent migraines, _or_ we can ignore it and try and continue as normal." Kihle offered. The debate was on. Kihle struck the button once more... "Well, um, it's not entirely hideous." Touji offered. "This thing could scare away Angels at seven miles, Touji." Shinji replied. Evangelion Units 5 and 6 were not the best looking Evas in the universe. The fact that Eva-06 looked like a giant human wearing red spandex that had black and blue web-like designs on it did not help. Nor did the fact that his Eva had 'webslingers' at the base of each palm. "SPIDERMAN! SPIDERMAN! RADIOACTIVE SPIDERMAN!" came the song-like taunting. "Shut _UP_, Rei XVI, or I'll tell Rei II that you're stealing her spotlight." Shinji growled. Rei XVI fell silent. "That's better." Shinji replied. "SPIDERMAN! SPIDERMAN! RADIO-" came more taunting. "That goes for the rest of you!" Shinji yelled at various members of the FFML, who had somehow gotten direct links into the Evangelion's intercom. "At least your Eva isn't getting glomped." Touji responded, motioning to the very pink Evangelion Unit 5. Unlike the other Evangelions, Evangelion Unit 5 was designed like a very feminine mechanical robot. The sort that popped up in games that featured giant mecha fighting in a DOOM or Duke Nuke'em sort of style. Or in Robotech. Or maybe a giant version of Nene's hardsuit (from Bubblegum Crisis). Whichever is more familiar. The pink paint job was demanded by Hikari, who wouldn't want to fight in the gaudy yellow or icky white they had chosen. "Wai!" Hikari cried happily. "WARNING! WARNING! ANGEL 1 IS APPROACHING! WARNING! WARNING! DANGER, SHINJI ROBINSON!" Evangelion Unit 6's computer cried, which was echoed by the MAGI. "Hey, didn't I kill and eat the 14th Angel-OW!" Yui started before a migraine struck. "Here, mom. Try these." Shinji said, extending some pills to his mother. "Ah, Nuprin. Little. Yellow. Different." Yui responded, popping the pills into her mouth, then gulping from a nearby tanker of water. She set the tanker back onto the truck it had been attached to. "Nonetheless, Angel 1 is approaching. Everyone, prepare to battle it." Naoko remarked, scratching her elbows. The after-effects of the Insta-Clone was that her elbows got really itchy. "Can we see a visual of it?" Asuka inquired. Everyone, save Yui, who didn't have any internal mechanism anymore, yelped. "IT'S-!" Touji began. "ANUHBUHEEIEL!" came a chorus from the FFML. "STOP THAT! We've already done that!" scolded another voice from the FFML. "Ahem, as I was saying... IT'S-!" Touji began again. "Monty Python's Flying Circus-ess-ess-ess!" came a voice from the FFML. An electronic boot-to-the-virtual-head later, and Touji tried once more, "IT'S-!" Touji glared at the FFML members, who stayed silent as they really wanted to know what the hell the first Angel could be. Touji, Kensuke, Rei XIX, and Asuka were all in hospital beds, all with unusual injuries. Rei II, Rei IIIV, Shinji and Hikari were all fine, but were visiting their sick comrades. "Wow! That was a difficult battle against ." Touji commented from his hospital bed. "Shut UP, Touji." came the growl from Rei XIX, who was occupying the bed next to him. She was in the hospital for something that sounded like "accident with a vending machine", but no one could be certain as she mumbled it. Rei IIIV snorted. "That's what you get for swiping my Eva, hussy." Rei II told her. "Amen, sister." Rei IIIV said, taking out a lighter and igniting it before swaying back and forth. "And I'm taking your stash away." Rei II told the hippie Rei. "ATTICA! ATTICA!" Rei IIIV said, running a can against some bars before eating some twinkies and falling asleep. While still standing. "Rei, I think you've gotta get leashes for your clones or _something_. Next thing you know, they'll be Soylent Green or bologna or something." Shinji commented to Rei II. "Nah, that's what SIs are for." Rei responded. Meanwhile, at a nearby meat factory.... "GET IN THERE!" a worker yelled. "NOOOO!!! I'm not a bad SI! I just wanna change story events! Bring real life experiences to the world! WAAAAAAH!" another annoying A-kun clone cried. "That's what you all say." the worker grunted. Worker #2 whacked the errant clone over the head with the Clown Hammer and the clone fell backwards into the meat grinding, bone-crushing, cloth-burning machine. He was hot dog meat in minutes. "Damn! These A-kun clones are getting more and more annoying." Worker #1 commented. "Maybe we should switch to Kajis. Just flash 'em a picture of Misato's melons and they fall right in." Worker #3 said. "Yeah, but I like shooting 'em. More satisfying. 'sides, I hate the goofy looks on their faces when they see them melons. Each one thinks they've banged 'er, and that's just not right." Worker #1 commented, pulling a rifle and shooting another Kaji clone that had been trying to get away. "Wish we had some SI powers to force these morons into the grinders. 'course, then we'd be no better than 'em." Worker #2 murmurred. "Uugggh..." Worker #4 said. "What is it?" Workers #1-3 inquired in unison. "Get ready for some really nasty meat. It's all going to be Grade F meat." Worker #4 noted. "Uuuhhh, isn't Grade C just barely passing health inspection?" Worker #2 asked nervously. "Yeah, but all the Grade F is going to Shadowloo, so no biggie." Worker #4 answered. "Well, what kind is it?" Worker #1 demanded. "........ Isseis and Oscars. And a few Red Serpents, Gontermans and Hentai Mans to boot." Worker #4 told them. All four workers shuddered. "Man, even Shadowloo BARELY desires that!" Worker #3 commented. "Nothin' we can do, boys. Just hack 'em up, then we'll spray the grinders with sulfiric acid." Worker #4 said. "Come ON! We've got standards to maintain! We'll need whole new equipment!" Worker #2 said. Worker #4 considered this and nodded in agreement. To be continued in Part 2!! -- .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List---. | Administrators - ffml-admins@fanfic.com | | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@fanfic.com | | Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject | `---http://www.fanfic.com/FFML-FAQ.txt ---'