[A blasted heath.  Enter SAURON and VOLDEMORT, bickering.]
 
SAURON:    Well, that would be me, of course.
VOLDEMORT:    You don't really think that a disembodied eyeball is the darkest Dark Lord, do you?  Even a flaming eyeball?
SAURON:    Oh, yeah, like a guy who doesn't even have his own eyeball, but has to appear as an outgrowth on the back of someone's head, should talk.  And speaking of "flaming," Mr. English-boarding-school-Head-Boy Riddle...
[They are interrupted by RASPY, HEAVY BREATHING.]
VOLDEMORT: Who's there?
VOICE:    The darkest Dark Lord.  [Rasp]
SAURON and VOLDEMORT, in unison: Darth Vader!
DARTH VADER: [Rasp] Yes.
VOLDEMORT: What makes you the darkest Dark Lord?
DARTH VADER: First of all, my spiffy black outfit.
SAURON: I had some nifty spiky armor that made me look like the Shrike...
DARTH VADER: Yeah, back when you had a body.  Besides, that was only in the movie.
SAURON: "Only in the movie"? Coming from someone whose only books are novelizations, who has no independent textual existence? Besides, what about when Isildur cut my finger off, huh?  Do you think I went into battle with the Last Alliance without my armor?
VOLDEMORT: "Armour."
SAURON: I know, but he's an American.
DARTH VADER: No, I come from a galaxy far, far away that is inhabited by people who bear a striking resemblance to Americans, just as you come from an Ur-world by people who bear a striking resemblance to British people.
VOLDEMORT: [Pouting] Will someone please pay attention to me for a minute? 
SAURON and DARTH VADER: Oh, all right.
VOLDEMORT: I think it's time that someone pointed out that (a) being the darkest Dark Lord is not a matter of personal style, and (b) that black thing is so Nineties, so retro-Goth... could we have some Siouxsie and the Banshees, please?
DARTH VADER: Who?
SAURON and VOLDEMORT: Never mind.  [Aside]  Americans!
VOLDEMORT: So, granted that you have a body and we don't (although I will, just wait), what makes you the darkest Dark Lord?
DARTH VADER: Well, at least I'm a heterosexual...
VOLDEMORT: Bigot.
SAURON: [Sulkily] I would have had a body, too, if only I'd gotten my Ring back.
VOLDEMORT: Here he goes, again: "If I had my Ring..." Okay, you'd have had a body, but never again would it have been fair to look upon.
SAURON: You would know; how long did it take you to change from pretty-boy catamite Tom Riddle to Leatherface Voldemort?  Talk about letting yourself go...
DARTH VADER: We're getting off the subject.  I'm the darkest Dark Lord because I did the most evil.  I extinguished the lives of billions of intelligent beings.  Do the words "Death Star" mean anything to you?  Voldemort, by comparison you're nothing but a serial killer.
VOLDEMORT: No, that's Filch.
SAURON: One word: Numenor.
DARTH VADER: Um... uh... well, yeah, but... uh... that was in the Silmarillion!  Never on screen!  So it never entered the popular consciousness!  I mean, who reads the Silmarillion, anyway?
SAURON: Everyone talks about it all the time, though.  "Darkness inescapable."
DARTH VADER: Yeah, in the books.  OK, I'll give you that...
SAURON: Besides, you're not really a Dark Lord at all!  You haven't truly dedicated yourself to evil the way Voldy and I have!  You're a product of your environment, your society!  You even redeem yourself at the end!  Why, you're just a, a... a villain!
DARTH VADER: [Dejectedly] I should have quit after the Empire Strikes Back...
VOLDEMORT: "Voldy"?
FEMALE VOICE OFFSTAGE: [Cackles] Just listen to you boys with your little hierarchical games...
SAURON, VOLDEMORT and DARTH VADER: Who are you?
FEMALE VOICE OFFSTAGE: I am menace personified; chthonic, a submerged endorsement of Europe's forgotten holocaust...
[Female figure flies in, riding broomstick].
SAURON: The Wicked Witch of the West!
DARTH VADER: At least there are two Americans now.
VOLDEMORT: Not bad!  You'd make a fair Chaser!  D'you play Quidditch at all, then? 
SAURON, DARTH VADER, and VOLDEMORT, in unison: But she can't be a Dark Lord.  She's a girl!
[End of Act I]