Dr. Tolkien's ABC

(This was probably initially begun for the
entertainment of Baby Gandalf and her sister, but, as
usual, we got a little carried away.)

A is for Arkenstone, Bilbo’s best deed
And Anduin River, with pools, rings and reeds.
A is for Aragorn, guy with a sword
A is for Arwen who leaves me quite bored.
A is for Amon Hen, tower of sight
A’s for attackers who come in the night.

B is for Bilbo, who's like Frodo's dad
B is for Burglar, a job he once had
B is for Bombur, who only went There,
B is for Beorn, a guy who's part Bear
B’s for Beornings who might not have known
That Beorn's an old hermit who lives all alone
B is for Boromir, most condescending
Which he ought not to be when his life is just ending.
B is for Barliman Butterbur's beer
Which loosens the hobbits' tongues, full of good cheer.
B is for Bombadil; he and Goldberry
Live less than a day's ride from Bucklebury Ferry
It’s been just the two of them in the Old Forest
For thousands of years and they're still not divorest!
B's for the Book that the hobbits all write,
B is for Battles by day and by night.
B is for Barrow-Downs chock full of treasure,
B's for the Brown Lands, drear beyond measure.
B's for Beleriand, under the waves,
B is for Bag-End, all burrows, not caves.
B is for Bifur and Bombur and Bofur,
B’s for Black Riders, the Dark Lord's main gofers.
B is for Bregalad, hastiest Ent
And for Bard whose last arrow in Smaug made a dent
B is for Bergil, a Gondorese lad,
And also for Beregond who is his dad.
B is for Balin who could not get out
B is for Balrog at whom Gandalf shouts.
B is for Barad-Dur, fell kinda place
B is for Brandywine, Merry's home base.
B is for Beren, who's always off-stage
Hanging with Luthien in some other age.

C's for Caradhras, a very mean mountain
C is for Celeborn, too old for countin'.
C, Cirith Ungol, a heck of a climb
C for Crickhollow in the nick of time.
C is for Cirdan, an elf with a beard
C is for Corsairs who I think are weird.
C is for crebain, they’re some sort of crows
C is for cloaks, which are excellent clothes.

D is for dwimmer whatever it means
D’s for Dunedain, who just get two scenes.
D is for Deagol caught by the throat
D’s for Dead Marshes where old corpses float.
D is for Denethor, done to a turn
Only a Steward, but with faggots to burn.
D is for Durin who once had his Day
Way back in Moria or that’s what they say.
D is for Dernhelm, which isn't his name
Nor even his gender; he's really a dame.

E is for Elrond who tried to talk sense
Into Lord Isildur. But he was too dense.
E is for elves who are wondrous fair
To look on, but spend too much time on their hair.
E is for ents who tear Isengard down
E is for Eomer (ends up with a crown).
E is for Eagles who come just in time
A bit too convenient, just like this rhyme.
E, Emyn Muil, that’s where Frodo gets stuck
E’s for Edoras down on its luck. 
E is for Elessar, guy we all know.
E is for Eowyn whose eyes he makes glow.
(E’s not for Oliphaunt; that starts with O.)

F is for Faramir, Denethor's son
F is for Frodo who carries the One.
F is for Fangorn, both forest and ent,
F is for Fellowship, which Elrond sent.
F, Fatty Bumpkin, Tom Bombadil's horse
Helped all the others get back on their course.
F is for Fimbrethil whom Fangorn misses,
F is for Ferny whom Sam Gamgee disses.
F is for Fairbairns, Samwise's heirs,
F is for flets up Lothlorien's stairs.
F is for fade which a hobbit does slow
And for Fredegar Bolger who’s too scared to go.

G is for Gimli, a dwarf with an axe
G is for Gandalf who has all the facts.
G is for Glorfindel on a white horse
G is for Gollum and Gloin of course.
G's for Galadriel, flaky and dire
G is for Goldberry back near the Shire.
G's for the Gladden where Isildur died,
G is for Gorgoroth, where Frodo feels fried.
G is for Gil-Galad, an Elven-King,
G, the Green Dragon, where hobbit folks sing.
G is for Goblins, detected by Sting,
G's for bad Gríma and for good Gamling.
G’s for Grey Havens from whence the Elves leave,
G is for Grishnákh for whom no one grieves.
G is for Gwaihir, a feathered device
Who saves the narrative not once but thrice.

H is for Hobbiton over the Water
Not far from Bywater, scene of the slaughter.
H is for Hamfast who's known as the Gaffer
H is for hobbits who're Gandalf's main staffers.
H is for Haldir, an elf on patrol
Who dies in the film when the heads start to roll.
H is for Helm’s Deep, a fort near a cave
H is for Hama en route to his grave.
H is for Hope of which Frodo has none
And Gandalf has little, and Samwise has some.

I is for Isildur, chopper of fingers
Who ought to destroy It but instead he malingers.
I is for Imrahil, who is good-looking
I’s for Ithilien, where Sam was cooking.
And Iarwain ben-Adar, whose jacket is bluish
Is Tom Bombadil. Didn’t know he was Jewish?
I is for Isengard, ring of debris
Eye is for Sauron, but that starts with E.

J is for Joy, it's in short supply,
J is for journey, which Frodo, poor guy
Knows he must make --it's a destiny thing--
When the Council says “Who will destroy this Ring?”
J is for Justice, which Gandalf concedes
Would mean Gollum's death; but his Maia heart bleeds.
"Frodo," he says, "justice is at its best,
When tempered with mercy." Could you pass this test?

K is for Kings, a farthing a dozen
And also kingsfoil, that heals Pippin's cousins.
K, Khazad-dûm, where the Dwarves dug too deep.
Nearby Kheled-zâram doth Durin's crown keep.
K is the letter of Dwarves, who love gold
When they shout "Khazad aimênu!" orcs' blood runs cold.
(Khazad-dum, by the way, is the dwarf name for Moria
Where Gandalf the Grey said a “Te Deum” and “Gloria”.)

L is for lembas which Gollum can’t eat
L is for Lorien, Galadriel’s seat.
L is for Legolas, elf prince of Mirkwood
L is for Long Lake, but this rhyme won’t work good.
L is for Lugbúrz, that’s orc-talk for Mordor
And Lamedon and Lebennin over the border.
L is for Longbottom Leaf which you smoke
And still live past eleventy-one, what a joke. 

M is for mallorns, deciduous trees
Which stay yellow all winter and then lose their leaves.
M is for Mirkwood where Shadow has been
M is for mountains which usually are grim.
M is for Maggot who prob'ly knows stuff
That we never find out ‘cause we leave in a rush.
M is for Merry, King Theoden’s halfling
M is for moons which must symbolize something.
M is for Mithrandir, Gandalf's elf-name
M is for Mordor, it's really a shame.
M is for Moria, dark, deep and wide
M is for mithril that saves Frodo's hide.
M, Minas Tirith, which sits on a hill
With a tree that's long dead and a throne yet to fill.
M, Michel Delving, where we never go
M is for mathoms; that's where they're on show.

N is for Nazgul, of whom there are Nine
N is for Numenor (that doesn’t rhyme).
N, Necromancer the first time we look
Turns out to be Sauron by the end of the book.

O is for Orcs but: Do they have souls?
O’s for Osgiliath riddled with holes.
O’s for Orodruin, elsewise Mount Doom
O’s for the shape of repetitive moons.

P is for pity that stayed Bilbo’s hand
P is for pipeweed of South Farthing brand
P is for pocketses; what do they hold?
Nothing, or string, or a small band of gold?
P is for Pippin, a fool of a Took
P is for Palantir in which he looks.
P is for Pelennor Fields down in Gondor
P is for Púkels who live over yonder.
P’s for Parth Galen and Amon Hen’s seat
P is for Proudfoots, or maybe ProudFEET. 
P is for ponies that carry the packs
P is for peril that no chapter lacks.

Q is for Quenya, which one ought to learn
If one has lots of time and a linguistic turn.

R is for Ring, the cause of the fracas
R is for Riders who almost attack us.
R is for rope which Sam likes to have with him
R is for Rohan (which screws up the rhythm).
R is for Rosie, Sam G's other dear
R is for Rivendell, house without fear.
R is for rabbits which Samwise calls coneys
R’s for a Ranger who’s leading a pony.

S is for Sauron, that's easy to read.
S is for Shadowfax, marvelous steed.
S is for Smaug, who once lived by a lake,
S is for Sindarin, elves I can take.
S is for Smeagol, wretched and sour
S is for Saruman snug in his tower.
S is for Snowmane who squashes his rider
S is for Samwise, who doesn’t trust Strider.
S is for Sandymans, unpleasant millers
S is for Shagrat and Shelob, both killers.
S is for Sackville-Bagginses, oy!
Whom Frodo's avoided since he was a boy.
S is for Shire, where hobbits are happy
S is for Sharkey who treats the place crappy.
S is for Strider who wanders, not lost,
S is for Silmarils, won at great cost.

T is for Tooks, who live in Great Smials.
T is for treasure in dragon-hoard piles.
T is for Thorin whose greed had him trapped
T is for Tolkien who keeps us all rapt.
T is for Theoden, marked from the start
T is for Thranduil, a non-speaking part.

U is for Underhill, F’s nom-de-guerre
Which he drops east of Bree, and so what was it fer?
U is for Ugluk who’s ugly and ucky
Orkish and boorish and truly unlucky.
U, Uruk-hai; now did Saruman make ‘em
Out of orcs bred from men, and how long did it take him?

V is for Valar, they’re spirits of sorts
Powerful, deathless, and sometimes bad sports.
V is for Varda, a spirit of light
Who made all the stars that we see in the night. 
V is for Vilya, that’s one of the rings
One of the elven ones, marvelous things.

W is for the Wise who cannot
See all the ends, but they can see a lot.
W’s Wilderland, else called the Wild
W, Wood-elves, and Woodmen hard-b’iled.
And wizards, in whose affairs you must not meddle
Or you and your fish will be in a fine kettle.
Weathertop, which is where Frodo gets jabbed
W, wraiths; that’s by whom he is stabbed.
W, wargs which are wolves with a twist
W, wren, pocket-sized catalyst.

X is for exes, which only elves have
Celeborn gets one as does Arwen’s dad.
X is for exits, which eagles provide
If you cannot get out, then just call for a ride.
X is for Exiles, which High Elves are called
At least the real old ones, who’re Grey if not bald.

Y is for Yrch which is elvish for orc
Or in Sindarin, anyway, “yrch” seems to work.

Z, what is Z for? It’s for Zirik-Zigil
The only Z name, and it just makes me giggle.
It’s one of the mountains above Khazad-Dum
I’d tell you the others, but there’s no more room.