From
the Floating Log at Frogmorton
On a dark mountain pathway
Bright blue glow from Sting
Orcs were marching right along that road
I had to put on the Ring.
Up above in the distance
I saw Mount Doom far away
The world turned grey and my sight grew dim
I had to get out of the way.
Something blocked up the doorway
Something heavy and fell
And I was thinking to myself
This is the entrance to Hell.
They lifted up the Master
And they bore him away
There were voices down the corridor
I thought I heard them say
Welcome to the Hotel Cirith Ungol
Such a dwimmer place
(such a dwimmer place)
Such a fell disgrace.
Plenty of orcs at the Hotel Cirith Ungol
Any time of year
Any time of year
You can find 'em here.
The pathway turned and it twisted
Around dozens of bends
I was much too mad to be afraid
'Cause orcs ain't nobody's friends.
Watchers screamed in the courtyard
When I held up the light
I hollered Gilthoniel a Elbereth
And I was ready to fight.
So I called to an orc chief
In anger and defiance
He said
We haven't seen your kind in here
Since the Last Alliance.
And still the Master was hidden far, far away
I went charging up long dark stairs
Just to hear them say
"Welcome to the Hotel Cirith Ungol!"
Then I missed my home
(Then I missed my home)
So I made a poem
They're dying in heaps in the Hotel Cirith Ungol
Then I sung real clear
(Then I sung real clear)
And heard a feeble cheer.
Door was in the ceiling
Ladder to the tower
Frodo was a prisoner there
In the Dark Lord's power.
I find my naked master
After all those climbs and turns
So we hug and kiss each other
While the reader squirms.
Next thing I remember
We were running for the door.
We had to find those stairs back down
To the place I was before
Halt! said the Watchers
We aren't programmed to receive
And we can't be sure how you got in
But you will never leave.
Welcome to the Hotel Cirith Ungol, etc.
-- Fool of a Took
