HELP WHEN YOU CAN’T BE THERE

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       A school play, a recital at your child's day-care, that big game.   Sometimes no matter how we budget our time, plan, or long to be there, other obligations dictate that we just can't make it. We've all been there. As a parent you would probably jump through hopes to do something you or your child considered important, but when outside forces interfere, your child may be devastated, and you may end up feeling like you deserve the heal of the year award.

     When a child is born parents anticipate all the first their child will experience -- the first word, first tooth, first step, and they look forward to witnessing these events.  In years past this would have been a reasonable assumption, especially for mom's,  who often spent their entire day caring for the child.  Today however, it's not uncommon for the child's caregiver to witness those memorable first.  One mother admitted to breaking down in tears when her caregiver called her at work with the "good news"  that her son was taking his first steps.  What should have brought her joy had, instead, left her with a great feeling of sadness.

     During our child's first years the guilt and frustration of missing important events lies solely on the us, as the child is  too young to care if we are present or not. We need to remind ourselves often that even if we spent 24 hours a day with with our child it would not guarantee we would witness every first our child had.  We wouldn't  see the actual emergence of the first tooth.  he or she might utter their first word, or rollover for the first time,  just as we leave the room. The first "anything" could happen the moment our backs are turned. We need to stop beating ourselves over the head because we have to work, run an errand, or enjoy an evening out.

     We also need to take heart in the fact that there are many first that we can control, plan and experience with our child.  A first haircut, first tub bath, first birthday party, can not only be shared with our child, but can be captured on film and enjoyed for years to come.  These are the moments that will become treasured in years to come.

     Some parents of infants find it comforting to leave a tape recorder, instant camera or camcorder with the child's caregiver or baby-sitter which can be used record special moments of the child’s day.  While this may not always be possible, many caregivers will try to oblige.

     As a child grows a parent’s presence will be expected at a variety of child functions, whether it's activities at day-care, school, or a sporting event, parents undoubtedly will miss at least one of them.  Even the most organized, dedicated parent occasionally encounters unexpected emergencies.  Illness, a meeting, work overloaded, or a missed plane may make it impossible to attend a planned event.   To add to a parent’s guilt over missing the event to begin with their child may cry, throw a tantrum, or worse, say they understand with little tears streaming down their cheeks.

     However traumatic this is to both you and your child, there will be other events, and, in time, the feelings of guilt, frustration and sadness will lessen.  Convey how much you wish you could be there and implement some of the following suggestions, to help your child know that you are there in sprit, if not in person.

*  If all your child's friends will have a parent present at the event make an effort to find a support person for your child.  A grandparent, neighbor, or in other person who the child loves will  make a suitable substitute in your absence.

*  Write your child a letter to be opened just before the event, or phone, if possible, to let him/her know you are thinking of them.

      *  Give another parent your camera or camcorder so your child's moment can be captured on film and shared together at another time.

     *  Lend you child something of value to you, a special piece of jewelry, tie, scarf, etc. It will help them feel closer to you.

*  If your child will be performing a special dance, reading aloud, or doing a song, asking for a private performance at home on a improvised stage can make for a more treasured memory than the actual event.

If the event is a particular importance to your child, consider having a gift delivered to him/her just prior to the activity taking place -- flowers for a solo performance, a new glove, or ball, for an important game, the new toy a young child has been wanting.

     *  Finally, take the time to talk to your child at the first opportunity.  Ask for details, congratulate them, let them know how much you wish you could have been there.

As parents we wish we could witness, experience, and enjoy every first event in our child’s life.  Unfortunately this isn't always possible, but we can strive to ease the disappointment as much as possible, and eagerly look forward to the times we can share. These are the moments that will become the most treasured and will let our children know we were always there for them, even when we couldn’t be.

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