FOR PARENTS OF GAY CHILDREN THE INITIAL SHOCK When You First Find Out It is often a shock for parents to find out that their child is homosexual.
Whether you are a mother or a father, whether you have a son or a daughter,
whether you long suspected something of the kind, or were completely surprised,
finding out for sure can be a shock. The feelings that shake you are very strong and confusing. You may hardly
be able to talk about it at first without tears and anger. For all, however, there are some underlying concerns and questions: COMMONLY ASKED QUESTIONS Parents Usually Want to Know: Q. Why did he or she have to tell us? A. Many parents think that they would be happier if they didn't
know. What you must realize, however, is that if you did not know, you
would never really know your child. A large part of his or her life would
be kept secret from you, and you would never really know the whole human
being. The fact that your son or daughter told you is a sign of his or her
love and need for your support and understanding. After all, who should
know if not you? No other minority is asked to hide from their own parents
what makes them "different"! Q. Why did he or she do this to us? A. Many parents feel bitter resentment at the fact of their child's
homosexuality. This feeling is based on the assumption that being homosexual
is a matter of choice and that this was a conscious decision, perhaps even
made to hurt them. In fact, homosexuals do not choose their sexual orientation.
They simply are what they are: homosexuality is their true nature. The only choice most lesbians and gays have is whether to be honest
about who they are or hide it. Hiding it imposes a tremendous burden. It
means living a lie, day in and day out. What parent would want a child
to have to live that way? Q. What did we do wrong? A. Most parents feel guilt when they first find out. Psychology
and psychiatry have told us for years that the way the child turns out
is the parent's "fault." In fact, no parent has that much power
over a child. Homosexuals are found in all types of families with all types
of backgrounds. No one knows as yet what "causes" any kind of sexuality, but
it is widely accepted today that a child's sexual orientation is set at
a very early age, if not at birth. Q. Will he or she be ostracized, have trouble finding or keeping
a job, or even be physically attacked? A. We must answer: "Yes, unfortunately, these things
are possible." It depends on where he or she decides to live, what
kind of job he or she wants, how he or she decides to act. But we must also say that attitudes toward homosexuals have been
changing for the better and are more positive in many places. Also, there are a growing number of groups (including P-FLAG) who
are working for such a change, and who are ready to help those who have
difficulties. Q. Will he or she be lonely in his old age if he does not
have a family of his own? A. Maybe. But we must remember that this is very often true
of all of us. Spouses die, marriages break up, children often live far
away, and many young couples do not have children at all. Many of us have
to adjust to loneliness when we are old. On the plus side, many lesbians
and gay men develop long-lasting relationships, and the gay community is
warmly supportive of its members. As it is becoming easier to "come
out" -- that is, acknowledge their sexual orientation to themselves
and others -- many homosexuals will have a chance to live as part of a
community all their lives. Lesbians and gay men include in their concept of "family"
not only their blood relatives but their lifetime or long-term partners.
There already exists an organization for elderly homosexuals called SAGE. Q. Will he or she get into trouble with the law? A. It is difficult to answer this question briefly since state
laws differ. There is, however, a pamphlet published by the Lambda Legal
Defense and Education Fund, Inc., which tries to answer the most frequent
questions: Gays and the Law, A Guide for Lay People. In more than half the states, legislatures or courts have decided
that "deviant" sexual behavior between consenting adults in private
is not a crime. However, even where it still is, most gays live their lives
never having problems with the police. Q. Should we send our child to a psychiatrist to be "cured"? A. It is now generally acknowledged by the psychiatric community
that homosexuality is not, as was previously supposed, a disease which
can be cured. In December 1973 the American Psychiatric Association declared that
homosexuality per se is not a mental disorder or a disease. The American
Psychological Association has taken the official position that it would
be unethical to try to change the sexual orientation of a homosexual. However, many people who are homosexual are so imbued with the prejudices
of our society that they cannot accept their sexual orientation as normal.
In these cases it is often helpful to get psychiatric or psychological
help for the purpose of self-acceptance. Care must be taken, however, to
select a therapist who is not himself or herself imbued with those prejudices. YOUR CONCERNS FOR YOURSELF Questions About Family, Friends... Q. Should we tell the family? A. Parents who are still struggling with their own acceptance
of their child's homosexuality often worry about other people finding out.
How can they deal with the questions the family is continually asking:
"Has he got a girl friend?" "When is she going to get married?" Our advice in such situations is: first and foremost, you must not
confide in anyone unless you have your child's consent. It is his or her
life you are discussing, and he or she has a right to decide who should
know and who shouldn't. Second, you should not tell anybody unless you yourself have reached
the point where you are not defensive about it. It takes time to learn
to accept your child, and unless you can be positive, you will communicate
your unhappiness or doubt to others. When you are ready, you might find
it easier to discuss it with one person at a time. Q. What will the neighbors say? A. This is a very real concern, especially for families who
live in small communities where their whole social lives are dependent
on the good will of the people around them. The answer to this question
is much the same as the one above. When you are secure in your own feelings, and informed about the
subject, then you can talk about your child's sexual orientation with others
and help them understand that prejudice against homosexuality is based
on ignorance and fear. Q. We have accepted the situation, but why must they flaunt
it? A. Often even parents who have accepted their child's homosexuality still protest at open behavior. It makes them uncomfortable and angry to see public displays of sexual attraction and affection between members of the same sex. We suggest that this is a normal result of the way we have all been
brought up and what we have been taught about sex in general, and homosexuality in particular. Although it is fully understandable, we must see it as our problem, and not as a problem for homosexuals. If heterosexuals can display open affection in public, there is no
logical reason why homosexuals should not. If you feel that sexual behavior
should be a private thing, then this should apply to all. Q. How can we learn to deal with this? A. Maybe the best way to answer this is to let some parents
speak for themselves. Here are two stories, one from a mother, the other
from a father. PARENTS TELL THEIR STORIES Two Sons Are Gay We have three sons, two of whom are homosexuals. When our eldest
son was 18, he told us he was gay. My husband's response was simple: "Are you sure?" I, on the other hand, had a great sense of guilt and failure, wondering
where we had gone wrong. We have always been a close and loving family,
and I worried whether the relationship with our eldest son would suffer
as a result of his homosexuality. I also had a great concern for his future happiness and well-being,
as did my husband. I soon realized that our son was the same person I had
always known and loved, but through his honesty I now knew more about him. But understanding came later, after our son directed us to Parents
of Gays. I no longer felt alone; new windows of understanding were opened
by asking questions, listening and reading. It was a difficult but positive
stage in my life, which took time and patience. I am happy to say that today our family is as close as ever, but
our relationship is more open and honest than before. A Father's Story How did I feel when I found out my daughter was a lesbian? It's hard
to say. It was a mixture of feelings. My first thought was that life will
be difficult for her. She is different and so therefore she would suffer
the consequences of being different: suspicion, fear and rejection by the
so-called normal world. She would carry a label: dangerous and contagious, stay away, protect
yourself! This made me feel sad at first, then angry, then protective.
How could I help my daughter? I decided to learn more about homosexuality.
Why does it happen? Can it be cured? I later found out that the first question, to date, has no answer,
the second is a fallacious one, because it is not a disease. I read a lot, and that confused me. The opinions expressed by various
authors, in some cases, differed drastically, based on their backgrounds
and what they were trying to prove. It was my daughter who directed my wife and me to Parents of Gays.
It was then that I realized that I was not alone. The same feelings of
guilt, inadequacy, and sorrow were shared by many. There was one feeling I did not share. Some people were angry at
their children for being homosexuals, since they felt that it had brought
shame on them. Since my daughter has told us she's a lesbian and my wife
and I have learned more about sexual orientation, we have become much closer to our daughter. Prior to this, there were times when she seemed distant,
unhappy, at times impatient with us. This has all changed. I could go on with many more details, but I think the statement my
daughter made recently sums it all up: "Dad, I have never been as
happy and relaxed as I am now that you know and understand." IS IT A SIN? How Religions View It This is one of the most difficult questions for religious people.
Many religions teach that homosexuality is condemned. But nowhere in the
Bible is there mention of those whose true nature is homosexual. Neither the Ten Commandments nor the Gospels mention homosexuality.
Biblical scholars tell us that the oft-quoted (out of context) proscriptions
in Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13 and St. Paul's Epistles Rom. 1:26-27, refer
to male prostitution in the temples: sexual practices by heterosexuals. We ask that you listen to priests, ministers and rabbis who have
studied the question and have come up with other answers: Catholic "Because of the diverse conditions of humans, it happens that
some acts are virtuous to some people, as appropriate and suitable to them,
while the same are immoral for others, as inappropriate to them."
-- Saint Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologiae "Homosexuality has nothing necessarily to do with sin, sickness
or failure. It is a different way of fulfilling God's plan . . . Supposedly,
the sin for which God destroyed Sodom was homosexuality. That's the great
myth. I discovered through scholarly research that it was not true. The
sin of Sodom and Gomorrah was inhospitality to a stranger . . . In Matthew,
Jesus says to his disciples: 'Go out and preach the Gospel and if you come
to any town and they don't receive you well, if they're inhospitable, shake
the sand from your sandals and it will be worse for that town than it was
for Sodom.'. . . The four Gospels are totally silent on the issue of homosexuality."
-- John J. McNeill, SJ. in an interview with Charles Ortleb in the Journal
Christopher Street, Oct. 1976. Protestant "Do I believe that homosexuality is a sin? Homosexuality, quite
like heterosexuality, is neither a virtue nor an accomplishment. Homosexual
orientation is a mysterious gift of God's grace communicated through an
exceedingly complex set of chemical, biological, chromosomal, hormonal,
environmental, developmental factors totally outside my homosexual friends'
control. "Their homosexuality is a gift, neither a virtue nor a sin.
What they do with their homosexuality, however, is definitely their personal,
moral and spiritual responsibility. Their behavior as homosexuals may be
very sinful, brutal, exploitative, selfish, promiscuous, superficial. Their
behavior as homosexuals, on the other hand, may be beautiful, tender, considerate,
loyal, other-centered, profound. "With this interpretation of the mystery that must be attributed
to both heterosexual and homosexual orientations, I clearly do not believe
that homosexuality is a sin." -- Bishop Melvin E. Wheatley, Jr., Methodist,
Retired, 11/20/81. Jewish "Above all else, Judaism has always stressed the importance
and sanctity of the individual. The ancient rabbis likened each human life
to the entire world. `Why did God create each human being different, not
stamping us out like so many coins?' asked the rabbis. `To show us that
each person is unique,' they answered. "Judaism has always gloried in the individuality of human life,
and it has always cherished freedom as the vehicle through which each unique
individual can develop to his or her potential. "It is for this reason, and because we Jews have learned first
hand how stifling and destructive oppression is, that the Reform Jewish
movement in all its branches has called for gay rights legislation and
for loving acceptance of gay people. "While all branches of Judaism do not agree, liberal Judaism
recognizes that religious strictures against homosexuality were a product
of their time and place, an ancient age in which existence itself depended
upon each member of society having children to populate the frontier and
the army. "That was a long time ago, before modern science and psychiatry
brought us new understanding of human nature. We Jews have always incorporated
the latest knowledge in our Judaism. This adaptability is why we have survived,
and why so many other Biblical prohibitions are disregarded. "Thinking Jews today, indeed all thinking people, will refuse
to invoke homophobic rules from among all these long-forgotten laws. After
all, even the most Orthodox no longer stone disobedient children to death
and fundamentalist Christians do not call for us to keep kosher, only two
of the rules found in the Bible. "If we Jews, always victimized for being different, are not
accepting, who in God's name will be?" -- Rabbi Charles D. Lippman,
1985. Is Homosexuality Unnatural? Homosexuality is not unnatural since it exists in nature. It is just
as natural for one person to be heterosexual as it is for another to be
homosexual. We don't know why people are homosexual, but we know that there always
were, are, and will be homosexuals. It is estimated that 10% of the population
in the United States and throughout the world is lesbian or gay; at least
one member out of every four families. For them, homosexuality is their true nature. To ask them to behave
otherwise would be to ask them to behave unnaturally. CONCERNS ABOUT AIDS What We Know Now We are all concerned about AIDS. Medical information about it is
constantly changing as new discoveries are made. For reliable updates on
the disease and its treatment call your State Health Department for Disease
Control or local Gay Hotline which will give you local sources of information. Not A Gay Disease AIDS is not a "gay" disease. Lesbians, for example, are
one of the safest groups in our society. It is a sexually transmitted disease
which can also be spread by unsterilized needles. In Africa, the disease
has attacked heterosexuals predominantly. In the U.S., for reasons unknown, it spread first among male homosexuals.
Recent studies have shown that it is now spreading among the heterosexual
community as well. Infection through the use of unsterilized needles affects
drug users in the U.S., and happens because of inadequate sterilization
during medical care in Third World countries. Nothing To Be Ashamed Of AIDS is nothing to be ashamed of. It is not necessarily the result
of leading a promiscuous life, and the fact that someone has acquired the
disease says nothing about what kind of person he or she is. The important thing is not how someone gets AIDS, but to deal with
the fact that someone is sick and needs help. AIDS Is Difficult To Get There is nothing to indicate that AIDS is transmitted by any means
other than those indicated above. Therefore there is no medical reason
to shun members of your family who have AIDS. Finally, the way a parent deals with AIDS must depend on the person
with AIDS. Some will want to tell others; some will want to keep the information
private. Some will want their parents around; others will not. And some will
want to talk to you about it while others will avoid talk. But keep in
mind: all people with AIDS need love and care. To show our love and support
is more important than ever. Acceptance Takes Time Accepting your child's homosexuality and educating yourself on the
subject takes time. Sons and daughters often expect their parents to understand
immediately, but many cannot do this. Do not be impatient with yourself,
however long it takes. If you really want to learn and understand, you
will. Prepared by New York City Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. Adapted with permission. |