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The Lost Manuscript

A vision came to me tonight whilst I 'twas aslumber..a terrifying angel of grim demeanor came unto me and said 'Walfrid thou must rise and harken to the words of the Lord' the angel took me by the arm and with a firey sword pointed to a vast bedraggeld army of hideous demons which were rampaging through a firey city street, slaying and raping the terrified inhabitants.

"Thine eyes seeth the Forces of Darkness, they art loose upon the Earth and there is none that can stand against them". I was sore afraid and in my fear I cried "Is the world lost? Is all that is holy and good doomed"? The angel shook his mighty head and transfixed me with a burning glare "Thou art the means of deliverance! Thine must be the burden! Ye must raise a mightly force of goodness and thou must take the banner of truth and the sword of justice and ye must face TFOD..er I mean the Foe." I was aghast "Who are the foe? I know not where to find them...what is this mighty force I must raise"?

The angel then graced me with a beautious smile "Thine foe can be found where the dragons veins pierceth the earth. The place is accursed and is known by many names..'Shankilliath', 'Gorgomoth', 'Hades', 'Veetramon', 'Grayskull' but ye will knoweth the place of evil as 'Ibrox', thine foe are the minions of Satan, they are named the Forces of Darkness and they are lost to the Lord. They seek to conquer the earth by raising a foul football team of dirty hackers and unholy cheats, by these ungodly arts they will overcome all and go onto win every trophy. When this happens they will have shown the might of Satan and the weak hordes of humanity will flock to his banner."

 

I replied "Are you sure about all of this? Anyway how can I a mere cleric oppose them". "Ye must raise another football team that are fair of face, green and white of cloth and righteous in the ways of the Lord, thy team must oppose TFOD and humble them in the eyes of the people, they must strive against overwhelming odds, they will be sore assallied by the minions of evil in all their disguises, they will knoweth dispair and defeat as well as glory and victory, yet through belief in the Lord and continental style passing they will triumph and bring Satan to his knees!" .

I was fairly perplexed at this point I can tell you "But angel how will this force of the Lord be known?" The angel pointed again this time at a stunning vision of beauty, a huge stadium filled with joy and light 'Celtic F.C shalt be their name. and the world will tremble at its sound, they will carry away trophies from the four corners of the world and win title after title but yea more importantly - HARKEN TO MY WORDS WALFRID FOR THIS IS THE IMPORTANT BIT, they will gubbeth the Huns!" The angel then vanished.

I awoke awash with a chilling sweat, convinced I had but dreamt yet my heart nearly failed for at the foot of my bed was a green and white scarf of cunning design and curiously an empty whisky bottle. I determined to set about my appointed task at once...well ok in the morning.

END OF TEXT

The Tim Commandments

 

1.I am the Lord thy God, Jock Stein. Who brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage, where thou should not have been anyway by the way. Thou shalt not have strange gods before Me. Thou shalt not make to thyself a graven thing, nor the likeness of any thing that is in Heaven above, or in the earth beneath, nor of those things that are in the waters under the earth. Thou shalt not adore them, nor serve them unless they weareth the sacred hoops that are of white and green.

 

2.Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain even when Hannah is possessed of the ball that is round, nor shalt thou take the name of the Lord thy God in vain even unto the misses of the number four score and ten that O-Donnalee doth commit from two yards. Even when sore assailed by the great demon that is Wullie Young thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain - and do not think to muttereth under thy breath for the Lord thy God hath ears that are keen and a wrath that is wobbly.

 

3.Remember thou keep holy the Satur Day. On this day thou shalt drinketh of the sacred bovril and breaketh the bread that hath the meat of the calf placed therein. Thou shalt walketh in the sacred way that is nameth "Stag-aring" and thou shalt journey to the house of the Lord thy God who dwelleth in Paradise and pray therein. The Lord thy God is merciful and will answer thy prayers, yet if thou art impure of mind and weak of heart, the Lord thy God shalt taketh the huff most mightily and leteth thy team get gubbed. And there shalt be a great wailing and gnashing of teeth.

 

4.Honour thy father and thy mother for if thy parents had not followed the path that is true, thou mighteth dwell in the house of the Hibites or the house of Par-ites or yeh! even the pokey little house of the Jam-bos which filleth with water and is liketh the Sea of Galilee on a choppy day. For this give thanks and praise.

 

5.Thou shalt not kill. Not even unto the brat that placeth herself at thy right hand and cries out most mightly in a piercing voice all througheth the game. Thou shalt not smite her, nor placeth thy fist unto her head nor shalt thou bideth thy time and trippeth her down the stairs. Thou shalt forbear the burden of the screeches that are shrill for the Lord thy God liketh his little joke.

 

6.Thou shalt not commit adultery. The Lord thy God is most jealous and will taketh the huff for he hath not a bird. Thou shalt resist temptation even after the House of the Hunnites hast been cast low and the wine floweth most freely. For the Lord thy God hath spoken and anyway thy new found love hath not the shape of Cindee Craw-Ford but hath in truth the shape of a comfy chair. Nor doth thy love possess a radiant face such as Claud-eea but instead looketh like the mighty bulldog which hath swallowed the angry wasp. Thou shalt give thanks and praise to the Lord thy God in the morning during the sacrament of Soberie-tee.

 

7.Thou shalt not steal, and this sin taketh many forms. When thou possess many sheckles, thou shalt not pateth thy pockets in sadness and maketh thy way in haste from the inn when thy companions sayeth that the round is thine. Thou shalt not offer to carry the match programme of thy friend and thereupon forgeth to remind thy friend of thy good deed. These things are sure to make the Lord thy God wrathful and thou shalt suffer a great plague of locusts in thy shorts unless that is thou art named John Cole who doeth this all the time and must be the Lord thy God's little pet.

 

8.Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour. When thou breaketh the commandment of the number two and the Lord thy God sendeth his angels of vengence called the Stew-ar-ds, thou shalt not blame thy neighbour and point the finger of falsehood saying "Taketh him away holy stew-ar-d and cast him from Paradise, yeh even unto the pit that is dank and creepy. Foreth it was him that tooketh the name of the Lord our God in vain and not me".

 

9.Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife. Yeh! The Lord thy God shalt cast the snatchers of the snog that is called Fly from his house and they shalt cry out for mercy but no mercy shall they receiveth. If thou art godly and pure of soul, thou shalt not taketh the opportunity of a vistiation by the angel that is called Go-al, to lay hands upon thy neighbour's wife that is called Bird, and placeth snogs upon her cheeks. For this act shalt breed jealousy in thy neighbour's heart and shalt bring about a smiting which will be most mighty indeed.

 

10.Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's goods. Even if thy neighbour doth own the Sacred Seat With The Good View Without Even A Pil-lar In Sight, thou shalt not be smitten by envy. Nor shall thee allow this envy to make thee act most basely to thy neighbour and visit many small hurts upon him so that he knoweth not from whence they come. The gum that is called Chewing shalt not be placeth upon his seat, nor shalt the drink that is called Bov-ril be spilled thereon, nor shalt thou take thy leave for the toi-let just as the angel that is called Go-al is about to appear. For the Lord thy God hateth sneaky fellows and will visit an unexpected late trickle upon thee as thou leave the toi-let. This act will cease thy wicked sniggerings and maketh thou walk in a strange manner.

 

 

So speaketh the Lord thy God. Amen.

Songs Of Celtic FC

Sounds Of Celtic FC

The History Of The Huns - Extreme Caution Required

The History Of Celtic Park 1888 - 1999

The John Thompson Story

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