Transcript of Vin's appearance on the Martin Short Show

(Martin greets Vin, stupid idiot sidekick dude greets Vin)
(all sit down, Idiot Dude, then Vin, then Martin)

Martin: You were SO great in Saving Private Ryan. You really were.

Vin: Thank you. Thank you.

Martin: What a film to be in.

Vin: Yeah.

Martin: How lucky were you?

Vin: I was SO lucky. Um…

Martin: Is it true you got that film, uh, uh, from Steven Spielburg seeing an independent Sundance film that you

Vin: Steven Spielburg saw a short film called Multifacial. And…

Martin: Multifacial?

Vin: Multifacial. And wrote-

Martin: Which is about Joan Collins at a spa reteatment. Is Multifacial about…

Vin: Something like that. And I play Joan Collins.

Martin: Wow.

Vin: Uh, no. He saw a film called Multifacial and wrote a role in Saving Private Ryan for me.

Martin: Wow.

Vin: So it’s like, uh-

Martin: He’s a remarkable man to work with, isn’t he?

V: Unbelievable! I would have gone out there to give him coffee every five minutes, let alone be a star in his film. And he was-

M: It must have been really daunting to know that he had specifically written a part for you based on this film.

V: It’s amazing! I mean, it doesn’t get better than that.

M: No. It’s like the Hollywood dream. How did you get that phone call?

V: Saturday morning, a typical agent phone call. (puts his hand to his head like a phone, quotes his agent) 'Vin, Steven just saw your film Multifacial.’ And I’m jumping up and down. I can hardly speak. ‘And he wants to write a role for you in Saving Private Ryan.’ I say, ‘What’s Saving Private Ryan?’

M: (chuckles)

V: And he says, ‘It’s only the most anticipated film of the decade.’ And the next thing you know, I’m on a plane going to London.

M: And he was nice. And Tom, of course, is the best to work with.

V: Tom’s a showstopper.

M: Yeah.

V: Tom’s amazing! But both of those guys are…they’re the best in the business, but aside from that, they’re amazing people. Steven Spielburg--we’re about to do a shot, and ca--the AD, the assistant director, said ‘Vin, come here. We need you in front of the camera right now.’ And I was talking to Steven. And I get up to go, and Steven said, ‘Sit back down. What I’m talking to you about is much more important than the film.’

M: What was he talking to you about?

V: He was talking to me about the importance of marriage.

M: Well, that’s…he had had a few Scotches, though?

V: (growls, for lack of better word) Oh, this guy was tossed!

M: Yeah. (drunken slur, grabs Vin’s arm) Listen, let me tell you, when you meet the right lady…

V: (drunken slur) When you meet the right girl, boy you hold onto her.

M: Yeah.  Tom, uh, Tom is a friend of mine, and I heard of a boot camp. I heard this was insane, this boot camp thing. ‘Cause these guys really went through a whole procedure before you started shooting anything, right?

V: Yeah.

M: To get into the spirit of being in the army.

V: A guy named Captain Daledie (?) took us through a week intensive boot camp. And it was…and everyone says, ‘Oh, it couldn’t have been that hard.’

M: But Tom, I know, was really into it.  He wanted to be, like, the most boot campy guy in the world, ‘cause he still couldn’t get over losing the lead in GI Jane.

V: (deep laugh)

M: He was very bitter about that.

V: Yeah, he was really bent out of shape. He tells me, (whiny voice) ‘Vin, I wanted to be GI Jane.’ No, but, we were doing the boot camp and every morning we had to wake up at 5am and run 5 miles a day.

M: That’s just sick.

V: And I’m somewhat—it’s insane.  And I’m somewhat in shape and I’m thinking, after the first day, I’m thinking, ‘This really isn’t really gonna last.  This guy has two Oscars. Eventually, he’s gonna say, ‘You know what, let’s just sit down for a second.’’  And so the whole--so, by day six, I’m running behind him, and I’m hoping that he croaks.

M: (laughs) So, you admit it. You used to bend down and say, ‘Are you okay, Tom?’ (panting)

V: Yeah. I’m thinking, if I pull him over and say, ‘Listen, can we just rest a second?’ I’d be completely unmasculine, so I just was like, I was wishing horrible things, and I love him.

M: And yet, you love him and yet you hoped he was having some sort of seizure. That’s very nice of you. Um, Pitch Black opens this…you have two films opening this weekend, right?

V: Bizarre.

M: And Pitch Black is a scary film?

V: Pitch Black is a ride!

M: Yeah, is it good?

V: Pitch Black is a scary—Pitch Black—I was a fan of the sci-fi films growing up, like Mad Max and Terminator. Those films empowered me.

M: Oh yeah. Well, you made this in Australia, right?

V: Yes. We shot this Coober Peaty, in the outback.

M: Very cool.  We have a clip for this. And I, again, love scary films. Is this gonna scare  me right now?

V: This could scare you a bit.

M: AR.

V: We’ll see what happens.

M: Should I just sit here, or should I—would you hold my hand?

V: (pats his leg) You could sit right here if you want.

M: AR. (climbs onto Vin’s lap) Let’s see Pitch Black with Vin Diesel.

V: (pats M like a scared child) It’s okay.

(cut to “Show me your eyes, Riddick” clip. “Mmmm, closer.”)
(cut back, Idiot Dude is sitting on Vin’s lap now)

M: See, I didn’t find that too bad. You know what, get off of there.

ID: I was afraid. (Idiot Dude moves)

V: Oh my God.

M: The movies are Pitch Black and Boiler Room, and they both open today. You’re like the new Michael Caine. He once had 14 films open in one weekend, but two is a tremendous record. Vin Diesel, everybody. Go see his movies.

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