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Vajypayee's driver is driving along a country road on the way back to Patna, when all of a sudden a pig jumps out in front of the car. The pig dies on the spot.Vajpayee, upset, tells the chauffeur to go find the owner of the piglet so that he can pay for the damages. The driver is gone for two hours and when he comes back, he has a bag full of money, and a wondering look on his face. Vajapayee wants to know what happened. The driver tells him "Hum jab gaaon me pahuncha to dekha kuch log perh ke neeche baithe hain. Jub hum unko bataya ki kya hua hai, tab sare log jama ho gaye. Humko laga ki aaj to hamari pitayee hogee. Par hum dekha ki sare log paisa jama kar rahe hain. Hum socha ki ye sara piasa wo janvar kay malik kay liye hai. Par un logon ne saara paisa hamein de diya." Vajpayee says "Theek theek batao. Tum unko kya bola tha?" The driver replies "Hum kaha ki hum Vajapayee ka driver hoon aur hum sooar ka bachcha ko maar diya hoon."
United States special forces have stumbled across yet another hastily abandoned building that housed the headquarters of the Al Qaeda International Network. Scattered all over the premises were documents that clearly indicated that Al Qaeda was planning more attacks around the world. Amongst the huge amount of highly incriminating evidence found was a training manual entitled "International Terrorism for Dummies". There was also a printed map entitled "London Hop-on Hop-off" showing prominent landmarks that could possibly be terrorist targets. Scribbled at the bottom of this map were some Arabic words which have been translated by State Department officials. The translation reads : "Meet granny at Waterloo station at 11". Security experts agree that the word waterloo means 'a final defeat' and could be a coded signal for terorrist action and the '11' could be a reference to September 11th. The most significant find was a video tape showing Ossama Bin Laden and his colleagues revelling in the unfortunate encounter of President George Bush with a pretzel. Bin Laden is heard saying that they had been planning for very long to develop a pretzel that had exactly the right shape to lodge in the throat and create some discomfort. Bin Laden said (while laughing gleefully) : "We never expected the infidel Bush to faint......this was far more than we planned.... we really (unintelligible) him up this time."
Throughout the 30 minute video Bin Laden and his associates are seen grinning widely and munching pretzels close to the camera lens. In an act of defiance Bin Laden repeatedly shouts disparagingly at the camera: "We got you Mr Pretz, we got you Mr Pretz !"
Muslim organizations in the United States immediately condemned Bin Laden's statements saying that Islam expressedly forbids the sending of lethal pretzels to presidents. However many extremist Muslim organizations abroad have denounced the tape as a fraud, saying that Bin Laden and his colleagues would never think of eating a pretzel because it is a snack favoured by Jews. They would have considered the tape to be authentic if Bin Laden and his men were seen munching on something like 'jelebi' -- a sweet widely favoured by Afghans, Arabs and Pakistanis. But in an interview with Christiane Amanpour, Mr Peter Bergen, the fellow who became a 'terrorist expert' after one meeting with Bin Laden many years ago, said that while the jelebi is much larger, no one can deny that it is exactly the same shape as the pretzel. "The link is very clear", he said. Interviewed on the Larry King Show today, Mr Richard Butler the UN weapons' inspector said : " While I was in Iraq I ate many suspicious looking pretzels and I am convinced that Iraq has the potential to produce a pretzel capable of inflicting mass destruction. I therefore propose that we should without delay drop at least a dozen nuclear bombs on Iraq to stifle their potential to produce such horrific weapons." It can be disclosed that President Bush in an hour long call to Prime Minister Tony Blair informed him of the seriousness of the situation. Mr Blair acted immediately and in wide ranging action went much further than the Americans. He immediately cancelled an item on the menu for supper the same evening. It was an eastern delicacy called 'samoosa'.
Terrorist experts concurred that the samoosa is perhaps far more dangerous than the pretzel because it has three very pointy ends that could do a great deal of damage if swallowed quickly. Scotland Yard is investigating reports that samoosas hurled from a distance could have the same destructive effect as the blade of an angle-grinder and because of its shape will, like a boomerang, return to the thrower of this weapon. At various locations throughout the country military experts have been seen flinging samoosas at cardboard targets to determine exactly how much of a danger they pose. Mr Blair has also announced that Britain has been put on a Samoosa Watch. Extra undercover policeman have been rushed to Southall, Brixton and Bradford. In a related development Mr Bush appeared on CNN earlier to ask the Pakistan leader, Pervez Mussharaf: "Are you for us or are you for samoosas".
However it would appear that Mr. Mussharaf had prior knowledge of the situation as hundreds of pirate copies of the Bin Laden Pretzel Tape were already in the Karachi flea-markets long before the US soldiers found the original in Afghanistan. A report that has just come in and which has yet to be confirmed states that a man was arrested on a plane in Boston for sneaking pretzels from his shoe and secretly eating them. While he was being taken away in shackles and a hood over his head he shouted to journalists : "I'm innocent! Help me! I only did it because I hate airline food. I can't take airline food....help meeeee !"
He was dragged away and promptly sedated for speaking such terrible lies and put on the next flight to Cuba. In a White House press briefing Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfeld disclosed that the CIA has just received a report that Bin Laden is planning to release another video within a week. The tape is called "The OBL 10-days-to-a-perfect-body Exercise Workout". Interviewed on CNN's 'Insight' today Jane Fonda, known as 'Hanoi Jane' for her in depth knowledge of the Vietcong terrorists, said, somewhat cryptically : "Excercise is fine as long as it doesn't lead to military excercise." Sources at the Pentagon disclosed that a further Bin Laden tape : "Cooking with Qaeda" is expected to be released soon. FBI agents stationed at bazaars in Peshawar have been put on high alert.
Vajpayee and Musharraf meet up in Delhi for talks on nuclear
arms.
When Musharraf sits down he notices Vajpayees chair has three buttons on the
armrest. They begin talking but after 5 minutes Vajpayee presses a button and
a boxing gloves pops out of Musharraf's chair and bashes him on his face.
Musharraf, barely believing it, carries on talking but after another few
minutes Vajpayee presses a second button and out comes a large boot and kicks
him in the butt. Musharraf is kicked off but still remains outwardly calm.
They resume the talk, but after 5 minutes Vajpayee presses the final button,
and from under the table another boxing glove hits Musharraf. The Pakistani
PM is really fed up by it now and stands up to leave.
"We'll continue this talk Next week in the Islamabad" says the Prime
Minister.
Vajpayee, choking from laughing, is too proud to say no. So the
appointment
stands.
A week later Musharraf receives Vajpayee in the Prime Minister's Office.
As Vajpayee sits down, he sees three buttons in the arm-rest of Musharrafs
chair. As the 20 min meeting goes on, Vajpayee sees Musharraf press the
first button, and ducks really fast, but nothing seems to happen. This
doesn't stop Musharraf from laughing...really loudly. After this, Pakistani
PM continues where he left off, until he presses another button. Vajpayee
reacts really quickly, and jumps up. Absolutely nothing happens, and this
time Musharraf falls out of his chair laughing.
Vajpayee doesn't get it - what the hell is happening here? But he hasn't
been harmed yet, so he sits down again to talk further. After A few minutes
Pakistani PM presses the final button. This time, Vajpayee stays sitting, but
Musharraf isn't, he's rolling on the floor, doubled up from laughing.
Vajpayee is really annoyed by now, so he stands up from his chair and
shouts: "I've had enough of this, I'm going back to India"
Musharraf: (Through tears of laughter from the floor) -
" INDIA?? WHAT INDIA??? DO YOU THINK IT'S STILL THERE??"
Classic lines on/off the field
"Man, it don't matter where you come in to bat, the score is still
zero." Viv Richards to Sunil Gavaskar at Madras 1983.
Gavaskar had decided to relinquish his opening position and come in at no 4 for
that test. But Malcolm Marshall fired out Anshuman Gaekwad and Dilip Vengsarkar
for ducks, setting the stage for Gavaskar to walk in at 0/2. And he
thought there would be less pressure!
BTW, Gavaskar made 236 then; the highest score by an Indian and the highest
score by anyone against the West Indies. Gavaskar has also scored more centuries
against the West Indies than anyone else. The next highest is also an Indian,
pleasantly enough - Dilip Vengsarkar with six. Gavaskar made thirteen!
Greg Thomas was bowling to Viv Richards in a county game. Viv missed a superb
outswinger, and Thomas said "It's red, round and weighs about 51/2
ounces."
Next ball Viv hits Greg Thomas out of the ground and replies, "Greg, you
know what it looks like. Go and find it!"
New Zealand vs South Africa: Daryll Cullinan was batting, attempting a comeback from a complete bamboozling from Warne in earlier games. Cullinan played the first ball from Chris Harris very carefully back down the Pitch, and keeper Parore yelled out "Well bowled Warnie!"
Australia fighting for a win nearing the end of a Test Match, Fred Trueman at
the crease. The Aus captain has plenty of close in fielders, whose shadows fall
on the wicket. Fiery finds this objectionable. 'Ere, if you lads don't back off,
I'll appeal for bad light!"
THE BEST OF ALL:
Incident described in "From the Pavilion End" by Harold "Dickie"
Bird)
"Bomber" Wells, a spin bowler and great character, played for
Glocuestershire and Nottinghamshire. He used to bat at No.11 since one couldn't
bat any lower. Of him, they used to paraphrase Compton's famous words describing
an equally inept runner; "When he shouts 'YES' for a run, it is merely the
basis for further negotiations!"
Incidentally, Compton was no better. John Warr said of Compton "He was the
only person who would call you for a run and wish you luck at the same
time."
Anyway, when Wells played for Gloucs, he had an equally horrendous runner as the
No.10. During a county match, horror of horrors... both got injured. Both
opted for runners when it was their turn to bat. Bomber played a ball on the
off, called for a run, forgot he had a runner and ran himself. Ditto at the
other end. In the melee, someone decided that a second run was on. Now we had
all four running. Due to the confusion and constant shouts of "YES"
"NO", eventually, all of them ran to the same end. Note - at this
point in time, the entire ground is rolling on the floor laughing their behinds
out. One of the fielders - brave lad - stops laughing for a minute, picks the
ball and throws down the wicket at the other end.
Umpire Alec Skelding looks very seriously at the four and calmly informs them
"One of you buggers is out. I don't know which. You decide and inform the
bloody scorers!"
My forgetter's getting better
But my rememberer is broke
to you that may seem funny but,
to me, that is no joke
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "who the heck was that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
CAN YOU RELATE???
If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.
If The Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.
If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Fisher Price made toasters... 'Baby's First Toaster' would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters...It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.
