Coping With Infertility

Depression is to be expected and may recur at different
times when people are dealing with infertility issues.
Sheila admits to being deeply depressed by her infertility.
"I just hate to wake up in the mornings," she explains. "I
sleep a lot, although sometimes it is hard to actually fall
asleep. But when I do, there is respite from the nagging
thoughts that feed my depression. All day long I feel
gloomy, as if something terrible is going to happen, and
then I remind myself that something terrible has happened.
I can't seem to have a child! I feel so helpless and hopeless.
My taster's off and I don't enjoy food anymore, so I've lost
weight. My body doesn't seem to be working right in other
ways also. I catch colds more frequently, and some days I
just don't have the energy or inclination to even get out of
bed. I just lie there and let the bad feelings take over."
Various losses in adulthood can contribute to depression.
These include the loss of relationships, loss of health, loss
of status or prestige, loss of self-esteem, loss of self-confidence,
loss of security, loss of fantasy or the hope of fulfilling
an important fantasy, or loss of something or someone
of great symbolic value. Interestingly enough, a person
going through infertility is likely to experience all of these
losses. It is no great wonder, therefore, that depression can
be expected.
Anthony is also depressed. "I spend so much time trying
to keep my spirits just up to normal and fighting the temptation
to give into depression that I don't have the energy to
do much else. I am not giving 100 percent on the job. I'm
not as nice and supportive as I want to be for my wife. I am
short-tempered and am often angry at things that at other
times I might consider just little annoyances. I am constantly
aware of my depression. I brood about the problems we
are having with conception. I pray daily that God will grant
us relief and give us a child. Life has ceased to be pleasant.
I find no joy in anything."
Some people will experience only mild depression and
will be able to cope by making only a little extra effort. For
other people, depression is deeper and more prolonged and
seemingly resistive to any coping technique.
Mild depression includes feelings of sadness or despair;
loss of spontaneity; tearfulness; loss of interest in one's job,
hobbies, friendships, or other normal activities; and a negative
outlook on life.
More serious depression is similar to that experienced
by Sheila. its signs include physical symptoms and illnesses,
an overwhelming sense of doom, heightened anxiety,
the inability to function normally, and a lack of desire to
continue living.
If you are experiencing depression, you may need to:
1 .Avoid nonproductive habits.
Greg responds to depression by going shopping. He
experiences a temporary relief by spending money. Often
what he buys is not something he actually wants or even
likes, and hardly ever is it something he needs or can
afford. Since the relief is only temporary, Greg goes shopping
frequently. He has run his credit card charges up to
their limits and is trying to establish new lines of credit at
various department stores.
Allison has started relying on pills to get to sleep at
night because her depression keeps her wakeful. She has
increased the nightly dose to higher than the recommended
amount. When Allison does sleep, she doesn't seem to rest
and wakes up in the mornings feeling groggy and still tired.
Avoid self-medication, spending sprees, or any other
nonproductive behaviors that will not bring you permanent
relief from depression.
2. Acknowledge your feelings.
The best way to begin coping with any emotional
response is to acknowledge what you are feeling. Be honest
with yourself. If you feel that life is not worth living, admit
that to yourself. If you are angry at everyone, including
yourself, admit it. Take a pencil and paper and list all of the
different thoughts that are bothering you each day. Write
down a list of the emotions you experience during the day.
Analyze what you have written. Does it appear that you are
suffering a mild or a more serious case of depression? How
long does your depression last? Do you wake up
depressed, but dispel the negative mood with positive
action? If you are a woman, do you feel depressed just
before or after your monthly period? Or are you depressed
all of the time, every day?
Once you have acknowledged that you are feeling
depressed and are telling yourself many negative thoughts,
you are in a position to do something about your thought
life and commit it to God. Paul challenges us to take every
thought captive to obey Christ (2 Cor. 10:5). This is not
easy at first, but with continued commitment and effort,
you can find some success. Paul speaks about the daily
commitment necessary to completely follow Christ.
3.Share your feelings.
Talk out your feelings with a close, trusted friend. Ask
for feedback and listen to what that friend says. When you
are depressed, your perception will be distorted toward the
negative. You will not be able to see the situation clearly or
accurately assess your own level of well-being. Ask your
friend to validate your perception of how depressed you
are. If your friend believes you to be seriously depressed,
perhaps you need to talk with a counselor.
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Coping with Infertility:
Why do I feel so depressed?
by Bobbie Reed, Ph.D.
4. Seek professional assistance if necessary.
If your depression is serious and prolonged, or if you
are entertaining thoughts of suicide or fantasies of being
killed in an accident, then you will want to talk with your
family physician ora professional counselor. These people
are trained to assist others to get through tough personal
experiences. Take advantage of that training and get some
assistance.
5. Set small, achievable goals.
Give yourself a short list of things to do each day. Do
these tasks even when you don't want to. The list might
include getting dressed, going to work, cooking a special
meal, cleaning one room of the house, calling a friend and
talking for fifteen minutes, doing one enjoyable activity
that has no relationship to having a child, reading a personal
growth book for at least thirty minutes, exercising for
twenty minutes, or taking a long walk through the park.
There is something therapeutic about accomplishing a
few things each day. Doing so will assist you in maintaining
at least a minimal sense of worthiness, of accomplishment,
and of purpose.
Mourning
Diana and her husband, Hal, have been through two
years of testing and explored all of the medical options during
another two years. For four years they have held on to
the hope that they would be able to have a child. They have
finally come to the point where they have decided to call it
quits. They have decided to accept the fact that they will
not create a child together. They are experiencing a period
of mourning as they face this reality.
Diana describes her experience. "You know, this is possibly
the worst experience I've ever had. I was widowed
before I married Hal, and I went through a tremendous
mourning for my first husband. We had a terrific relationship
and I thought I would never get over his death. I went
through the shock, denial, anger, depression, and grief.
"But the grieving process for not being able to have a
child has been worse because it has dragged on for four
years and we are still facing a mourning period. When you
are trying to get over a personal loss such as a death or a
divorce, the event has occurred and there is nothing you
can do about it. Infertility, on the other hand, is something
that may be treatable, and you can't explore all of the possibilities
at once. You have to do something and then wait
and see if it works. Then you try something else and wait
some more. You aren't allowed to simply mourn and get on
with living until you have explored all of the options you
are willing to try. I am exhausted by four years of pain."
The mourning period is a time of letting go of the
dreams, of considering the possibilities of other alternatives
such as adoption, becoming foster parents, spending time
with other people's children, or finding fulfillment in other
ways. It is a time of making peace with the pain, peace
with God, and peace with yourself; and for renewing your
relationship with your spouse. It is the beginning of the
healing process, and the beginning of reconstructing your
lifestyle.
Each person will mourn in his own way. Each will take
different actions which indicate that she is ready to move
on.
Barbara spent one whole day shut up in her house crying
and experiencing the pain of giving up her dream of
having a child. She looked at baby pictures in magazines,
fingered the layette she had secretly purchased, tried on the
maternity outfit she had not been able to resist buying. She
mentally reviewed each of her daydreams about being a
mother, and then consciously let go of each one. At the end
of the day, although worn out by her conscious effort at
grieving, she felt she had made a good start at putting aside
her dream. She was ready to begin looking ahead.
Jesus also had disappointments that he mourned. He
came to earth,but most people rejected him. His disciples
left him, Peter denied him, and Judas betrayed him. Before
his crucifixion, Jesus sat looking over the city of Jerusalem
and mourned for what might have been. "How often have I
desired to gather your children together as a hen gathers her
brood under her wings, and you were not willing!"(Matt.
23:37).
Naomi gave away all of the baby clothes she had bought
"for when she got pregnant."
Paul turned the "nursery" into a family room.
Derek accepted the promotion his company had been
offering, which he had turned down because he had been
preoccupied with working on infertility issues.
Erica went back to college to finish her degree.
Acceptance
"Once we had made it through the mourning process,
we discovered we had some work to do to get our lives
back to normal," Earl shared."We needed to reestablish
friendships, learn to do fun things, learn to laugh again. It
was as if we were coming back from a far-away country
where we had been exiled."
When you are ready to rebuild your life, you might try
the following suggestions.
1. Review your leisure-time activities.
Are there hobbies you abandoned during the time you
were working on having a child? Perhaps those hobbies
may have lost their appeal, but try them again anyway and
experiment with some new activities. Get involved with a
bowling league, start singing in the church choir. Join a
community theater group. Take some college courses. Take
up writing, painting, woodworking, gardening, or some
other creative activity.
2. Renew your friendships.
Are there people you have drifted away from over the
last few months or years? Why not have a party, or invite
several of these people over to dinner, a few at a time, to
get reacquainted. Or actively work on making new friends.
Is there a neighbor you have not met? Have you attended
the homeowners or renters association meetings lately? If
not, go now.
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Do something nice for your close friends. Send them
cards, thanking them for their support during your struggles.
Bake cakes and cookies for them, or deliver some
flowers.
3. Apply yourself at work.
Now is a good time to take a look at your career. Are
there things you could do to improve your job? Perhaps if
you took a class or two you would be eligible for a promotion,
or if you put in for a rotation assignment you might
become more promotable within a year. Have you been
giving your work less than 100 percent? Go into work with
a new attitude. Give 110 percent and see what a difference
it makes. If you hate your job, start circulating resumes and
actively look for a job in a field that interests you.
4. Set personal goals.
Do you want to lose weight, start an exercise program,
learn to speak Spanish, or learn to ski? Decide what you
want to do and develop an action plan. Implement the plan.
5. Deepen your spiritual life.
Make a conscious effort to deepen your spiritual life and
your relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. Understanding
that God acts in steadfast love, justice, and righteousness is
a worthy goal (see Jer. 9:23-24). Make your personal devotional
time meaningful. Spend time in prayer, talking and
listening to God. Memorize scripture. Read inspirational
goals. Begin living your life with a new awareness that the
Spirit of God lives within you, and that your daily walk is
in the presence of God's own self.
6. Find someone or something to nurture.
Get a pet or plant a tree. Make friends with an elderly
person who needs your friendship and attention. Work as a
volunteer in a local charity or hospital. Volunteer with
Habitat for Humanity or some other organization that helps
people. Find ways to give of yourself and your time in a
nurturing, caring way.
Jesus talked about people who played it safe, who
hoarded their lives, never took risks. He said that those who
tried to save their lives would lose them, but rather those
that lost themselves for his sake would save their lives
(Luke 9:23-24). Look for ways you can help others, be a
blessing to someone else, ease someone's hurt or pain, or
comfort someone. You will be surprised how this type of
giving will enrich your life.
7. Build laughter into your life.
Checkout humorous books from the library. Go see
funny movies. Watch the Comedy Channel or other lighthearted
programs on television. Go to the zoo and enjoy the
animal antics. Get together with friends who have zany
senses of humor and build as much laughter into your life
as you can. Laughter releases positive endorphins into your
system that are not only pleasant but also healing. Proverbs
17:22 tells us that "a cheerful heart is a good medicine."
The emotional roller coaster people experience when
they discover that they may be infertile is a difficult ride.
But you can cope and regain control over your emotions
and your life if you ask God for strength and keep taking
positive steps each day.
©1994 by Bobbie Reed used by permission of the author.
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