In the Acme Forest home of Babs and Buster Bunny, Buster sat staring at his copy of "Varietoon", scarcely believing what he was reading. "I don't _BELIEVE_ this!!" he screeched. "Warner Brothers is giving a show to ELMYRA?!?" Babs nearly dropped her cup of carrot juice. "You're kidding, right?" Buster's response was to thrust the paper in his wife's face. "See for yourself," he countered. Babs slowly peeled the paper from her face, and instinctively reached for a pocket mirror. Just as she'd suspected, Buster's reaction had caused the ink from the paper to stick to her features. "Ooops!" Buster replied, suddenly realizing his mistake. "Heh-heh. Sorry, Babs." "No problem," she replied unconvincingly. "Just as long as it wasn't 'War and Peace'!" She looked in the mirror and mouthed the words to the article that were stuck to her face; then, finishing it, shook her head violently, scattering letters of the alphabet in all directions. "Buster, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "You mean that it's true Elmyra really _was_ a Rhodes scholar after all?" he said glumly. "'Cos that's the only way she coulda _landed_ that gig!" "Either that, or the red menace has got something on Steven," Babs added brightly. Buster looked at her like a wounded beagle. "Never mind..." Buster paced back and forth across the room. "I don't get it, Babs. What does she know that we _don't_?" Babs appeared thoughtful for a few seconds, before finally offering an alternate hypothesis. "Or rather, what did she _learn_ that we _didn't_?" Buster suddenly stopped his pacing long enough to respond with the flash of insight that was his trademark. "HUH?" "BUS-ter..." "Heh heh heh... sorry, Babsie; just thought I'd throw that in." "Well, throw it _out_, Blue Boy," Babs joked, before returning to her thoughtful mood. "Buster... is it possible we _don't_ know everything?" "Who, *US*? Naaaahhhh," he said instinctively. He knew exactly what Babs was thinking, however. And it wasn't exactly an idea he was keen on sharing... -0- THE BLOOMIN' LOONIES by Jennifer Cleckley (RottinKid@aol.com), aided and abetted (as always) by Jerry D. Withers (Furrball T. Cat)(jwithers@tcfn.org) =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= (Reserved for usual chit chat.) =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= TTA: THE BLOOMIN' LOONIES 2 1/2: "Football: It's STILL A Looney Old Game..." v1.2 -0- So far Nigel had thoroughly enjoyed today's Chase Scenes 101 class. He and RuBarb had abandoned the traditional "dumb chaser/ clever chasee" routine for something a tad more original. They had both set clever traps for one another, and both had barely gotten out, thanks to their wits. Their dialog had been urbane, witty, and (surprise, surprise!) rather flirtatious. The flirting came from the new plateau in their relationship, and was unheard of in a feline/ rodentia chase. Unfortunately, Professor Coyote, though impressed with their creative chase scene, remained something of a traditionalist. In order for them to get a passing grade in the class both pro- and antagonist in the chase had to make the other look like a complete fool at least once in the routine. At first they were going to flunk the course, but discovered that it was required for their future graduation. That was the reason for the rat's complicated set-up for the hapless feline. His plan included pots, pans, assorted kitchen implements, liberal amounts of axle grease, and gratuitous amounts of whipped cream. Oh yes, and a stairwell. "So you think I have an evil mind/Well I'll tell you, honey," Nigel sang, impulsively, as he slathered the steps with the grease. "I don't know why..." He sketched some arrows on the floor, pointing to the kitchen of the set, plopped the brush into the can, and waited. RuBarb came running up, right on cue. She saw the steps, and the bannisters, greased, and attempted to turn, but she slipped. Nigel had coated the landing, too, with the grease, but with a thinner, less obvious coat. She skidded down the stairs, and across to the kitchen. Nigel watched the chaos as the kitten tripped the mess that he had set up in there. He winced, gasped, looked up, looked down, and even closed his eyes. When he uncovered them, Nigel stood there, looking somewhat concerned. "I do believe that I may have overdone it," he observed. RuBarb trudged out of the kitchen, looking like a confection, and somewhat upset. "Why, RuBarb," the rat said with an impish grin. "You look delicious!" Rue glared at Nigel, continued to trudge past him, and picked up her purse. Without another word, she stormed out of the classroom (taking time only to slam the door as she did so, breaking every pane of glass on the floor!) and made a mad dash to her dormitory. Prof. Wile E. stared after her briefly, surveyed the damage, then announced that Nigel had earned an A! Meanwhile, in her dorm room, RuBarb doffed her now sloppy dress, threw it on the floor angrily, quickly stomped into her shower for a quick wash and rinse, towelled off, then returned, opened her purse and pulled out two large red, diaphanous handkerchiefs just as Penelope entered the room. "Um... if you're trying to break out, RuBarb, you're using entirely too much rope," Penelope told her. Rue stopped long enough to give Acme Loo's 'dorm mom' a curious glance. "We _are_ on the ground floor, after all," she continued, with a small laugh in her lightly accented voice. "Oh, these," Rue indicated, finally cooling down. "No, I use them only in an emergency. Observe," she added; and before Penelope's startled eyes, quickly tied one handkerchief around her waist as an impromptu skirt, and the other around her neck and waist, forming an equally impromptu blouse. "Not the most fashionable outfit in the world, I grant you, or the most modest, but it _is_ effective," Rue commented. "Especially if you're trying to catch _boys_," Penelope giggled with a knowing wink. "I s'pose," Rue agreed. "But I'm only concentrating on one this time... no prizes for guessing which one..." "Ah, ha. Well, good luck." "Luck I don't need, Penelope. Just the right opportunity..." Rue mused with a grin, then quickly took in a sharp breath. "Oh gosh," she said. "I'm starting to sound like my _dad_!" "Just as long as you don't start _looking_ like him," Penelope joked. "I hear _that_," RuBarb acknowledged. "Well, I'll see you later. I'm off to catch a rat." She breezed out of the dorm, leaving Penelope alone. The older cat picked up Rue's grease-covered dress, shaking her head, and was about to head to the laundry room when the phone rang. Picking up the receiver, Penelope replied, "Hello?... Oh, hello, Sylvia... No, as a matter of fact, you just missed her... Oh, my... she _did_?... oh, dear... I suspect she's heading back to the scene of the grime," she added whimsically. -0- In the dark, cavernous room that served as Roderick Rat's headquarters in Perfecto Prep, the 'King Rat' of Perfecto was torn between emotions like never before. On the one hand, he wanted _so_ much to believe Ruby; after all, she was the only girlfriend he'd ever had (or, for that matter, the only girl who'd have anything to DO with him!), and whether he knew it or not -- and he probably didn't -- she was the best thing that ever happened to him, or ever _would_; on the other hand, he couldn't help his seething jealousy regarding Nigel. He finally decided to try and put yesterday's disaster out of his mind, and concentrate on what was important: defeating the Acme Loo football team. He pressed a big red button on his desk. "DANFORTH!" he yelled. Danforth Drake suddenly appeared behind him, just as Roddy knew he would. "Yes, El Supremo?" he asked sarcastically. Roddy curled his upper lip and shoved the button in Danforth's face. "_When_ am I going to get an _intercom_ in here? I'm _tired_ of pushing this stupid button!" "Terribly sorry about that, but you _know_ we had to cut corners this year, Roddy," Danforth explained. "Financially, old man, we're strapped, as they say." "Don't remind me," Roddy growled. Deep down, however, he knew Danforth was right; Perfecto _had_ fallen on hard times in the surplus cash department. The fact that nobody outside of Roddy and Danforth knew about it could be traced to their surprising ability to juggle the books. "I guess that stunt we pulled last year didn't help much, did it?" he added, with a tinge of regret -- a silent acknowledgement that, in at least one important respect -- Ruby's defecting to Acme Loo -- the plan backfired big time. "You mean increasing the tuition fees? Only slightly," Danforth admitted. "Face it, Roderick; we _have_ to beat Acme Loo this year, or it's goodbye, Perfecto!" Roddy turned on his second-in-command with fire in his eyes. "You think I don't already _know_ that?" The two of them knew something else that nobody else did: the mortgage on Perfecto was being held by Bobbo Acme, the ruthless, conniving owner and CEO of The Acme Corporation (and an even bigger rat than Roddy was!), who had threatened to shut down Perfecto and turn it into a parking garage if the Preppies couldn't win against Acme this year. Even worse, he had personally hired Montana Max to "wield the hatchet" for him (no mean feat in itself). Roddy slumped down in his chair, looking and feeling like a rat defeated, and sighed. "What _else_ can go wrong today, huh, Danforth?" At that point, the door was kicked open by a short fellow in a brown trench coat, dark shades, and big fedora. The door swung back and bopped him in the bazoo. "OW!" he yelled, in a gravelly voice that was all-too-familiar. "I thought I told you clowns to fix that door!" Montana Max barked, rubbing his nose. "You're a little early, aren't you, Max?" Roddy inquired unemotionally. "The mortgage isn't due for another year, yet..." "Yeah, well, I just wanted to have another look at the place." "What for, old times' sake?" cackled Danforth. "Watch it, Drake!" Monty warned him. "I can buy and sell idiots like you for pillow stuffing!" Danforth's response was to give him a Bronx Cheer. "So, what ARE you doing here?" Roddy asked. "Starting to get a rash from those diamond saddles I sold you, I hope, I hope?" "Ha, ha, Roddy! Look, you wanna save Perfecto from the wrecking ball or don'tcha?" Roddy raised an eyebrow, but that was the only sign he gave that he was even remotely interested in whatever Monty had to say. "What have you got in mind?" he wondered aloud. "Outside of maybe beating those Acme Loosers?" Monty grinned the evillest grin anybody had ever seen him grin. "I know the drill, pal; if we beat you this time, Fatso Acme gets the whole school..." Roddy glared at Max. "Don't bother me with the _details_!" he yelled irritably, then stopped to reconsider. "What? You have an alternative?" "You bet I do!" "Well, let's have it, Monty!" Monty rubbed his hands together greedily, and looked around the room. "Who gets Perfecto if you _win_?" Roddy and Danforth looked at each other and shrugged. "Beats us..." they said. "Well, I'll _tell_ you two Einsteins who does," Monty sneered. "Ol' Bobbo's worded the deal so that he gets the school either way, win _or_ lose!" He then produced a copy of the mortgage papers. "Read 'em and weep, boys!" Roddy and Danforth read the papers thoroughly, and their hearts (well, what _passed_ for them) sank even lower than _they_ were. Roddy fell back into his chair. "That's it, then; we're finished!" "How did you get these, anyway?" Danforth asked curiously. "Are you kidding?" Monty asked incredulously. "I'm not a lousy little sneak for _nothing_, you know!" "Yes, I'm sure you paid very handsomely for the privilege," Roddy shot back lazily. "But if you've got a way to get us out of this mess, then tell us!" "Okay. I pulled some strings and had the mortgage rewritten behind Acme's back. If you lose, Bobbo still gets Perfecto..." "But what happens if we _win_?" Roddy asked him point blank. "Then _I_ get it!" Roddy gave a rueful chuckle. "What, that's _better_?" "Hey, at least this dump won't become a parking garage!" Danforth eyed him skeptically. "And Bobbo knows nothing about this?" "THAT tub of lard? HAH!" Monty laughed derisively. "What HE doesn't know won't hurt him... much! So what do you say, Roddy? Is it a deal?" He had to admit the prospect intrigued him, if only because he had no other options. He turned to Danforth. "Whaddaya think, Danforth?" "I think I'd rather make a deal with the devil," Danforth whispered back. "If we haven't already..." "I think we haven't got a choice," Roddy shrugged, before shaking hands with Max. "Deal!" -0- "Are you finished, Miss Purrenstein?" Wile E. asked, not even looking up from his desk as RuBarb re-entered the class. The rest of the girls took one look at her rather skimpy outfit and said one loud, frosty, en masse, "Humph!" The boys looked at her and fell out of their seats. RuBarb pretended not to notice, but set about her task of gaining revenge on Nigel. No complicated Rube Goldberg-type setups, no greasy stairwells; just a large crate in the middle of the floor, which she wheeled into place by herself. Satisfied with her work, she stood to one side of the crate, set her sights on Nigel and gave him a "come hither" look that made him lose all of his usual British cool, reacting like a character in a Tex Avery cartoon. Emily Bunny turned to Rhubella. "She's just _standing_ there. What is she _doing_?" Ruby shrugged. "Gaining revenge, I guess... Let's just watch." Nigel tore after RuBarb like a rodent possessed, while the object of this one-sided chase merely stood by the crate, smiling wickedly. As he came within 3 feet of her, she put her plan into action, slapping the side of the crate loudly, and shouting "NOW!" Rapidly, the front of the crate swung open, and--to Nigel's sudden horror-- Pete Puma came out and sloshed mopwater directly in the hapless rat's path! "OH, BLOODY... NOT _AGAIN_!!!" Nige yelled; but he was unable to prevent history from repeating itself once more, uncontrollably skidding in the puddle and heading straight for RuBarb, who smiled benignly, unsheathing her claws. "NOT AGAIN, AGAIN!!!" Nige yelled (again), as she sliced him up and down _and_ sideways, scattering him across the stage in neat little animated rat cubes! Even Wile E. took notice, awarding her an A++ without a moment's hesitation, but adding that he might like to use her services in catching a certain Road Runner he knew. Nigel quickly reconstituted himself, muttered something about having to get to football practice, and left. Fast. Rue smiled smugly, resheathed her claws, stepped into Pete's puddle, and fell face down, soaking herself to the fur! "Perhaps it would be best if I stuck with Acme," Wile E. mumbled sarcastically. -0- "I'm tiny, I'm toony, I whine like Andy Rooney... no, that's not it," Miranda sang as she wheeled along the sidewalk that led from the library to the Loo's audio-visual lab, so rapidly that she nearly knocked over Lionel. "Ooops! Sorry, Leo!" she apologized quickly. "No problem, gorgeous," he grinned. "Far as I'm concerned, you can run over me anytime." "I hope you don't _mean_ that," Miranda retorted, wiggling her eyebrows playfully. "Well, gotta go..." "Hey, wait a minute," Leo said, blocking her path so fast that it seemed she would take him up on his offer whether she wanted to or not! "Slow down! I thought we were gonna study together last night. Wha' hoppen?" "Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Leo," she moaned, "I didn't mean to space that out or anything, but ever since our 'wild ride' yesterday, I just haven't been myself and I can't sleep and it's been bothering me a lot and... I'm not making much sense, am I?" "No," Leo leered slyly, "but keep babbling. I love it when you're incoherent..." "Please, Leo, this is serious," she insisted. "You remember when I told you to drop me because I felt that spin-change coming on?" "Um... yeah... what of it?" "I've never gone through that unless I was extremely tense or nervous... and _that_ time, I *wasn't*! You understand? There was absolutely no reason on earth for me to do that... but I did it anyway..." Her voice reduced itself to a whisper. "Hmmm... I think I'm beginning to get the picture..." "Yeah? Well, I wish you'd fill _me_ in on it, pal," Miranda muttered. "Here I'd been led to believe it was all psychosomatic..." "Psychowhat, luv?" Miranda rolled her eyes behind her big, gold-rimmed round lenses as if she were dealing with a grownup, and continued. "It means it's all in my head..." "And you're afraid it isn't, aren't you?" Miranda nodded silently. "Well, don't sweat it, luv," Lionel smiled, putting a reassuring paw on her shoulder. Before the scene could turn even more serious, RuBarb trudged by them, throwing her now thoroughly soaked makeshift outfit into a nearby trash can! "I give up," she muttered. "Whoever heard of a cat wearing clothes, anyway?" "RuBarb!" Miranda gasped, as Leo covered his eyes. "Hey, if Penelope, Sylvia and Fifi LaFume can do it, so can _I_!" the jet black kitten declared defiantly. Adding, logically, "Besides, what's there to _look_ at?" she stormed off into the direction of her next class. "Oh, well, as long as she isn't setting a _precedent_," Leo mused ironically. "Wonder what they'd do at Soho Prep if all the girls... er, 'dressed' like that?" "Close it down," Miranda laughed, forgetting her own troubles for the moment. "Say, I wonder how your brother's doing with the football squad?" -0- "Alright," Nigel addressed the rest of the Acme Toonsters at practice that day. "Ideally, of course, we'd like to actually _win_ against Perfecto. A little more realistically, I'm sure, you'd be happy, at least this year, to be showing... oh, I'd say, 'bout two or three points." As he talked, the albino rat paced at the head of the small classroom off of the locker room. This room was used to plan plays, and teach rookies the basics of football. "Can't help but wonder, though. How'd you like to give those Perfectoids a run for their money?" This was, of course, the one question that could, and did, get all eyes in the room focusing upon Nigel. Each and every face was alight with curiosity. "Oh ho. Do I see a smattering of interest out there?" Nigel asked, raising an eyebrow. "Hmmm... Let's just see how interested you remain when I mention that doing so just _might_ involve some work on the part of you lads." Predictably, Plucky made an audible "humph", and the eyes of the team were quick to wander elsewhere. "Somehow," observed the rat rather casually, "that doesn't surprise me. Okay. I'll just call off the rest of your practices, and tell the Coach to go ahead and forfeit the rest of this season's games." There were many varied, and rather loud sounds of protest made by the team, working up to Plucky's outraged "WHAT!?!?!?!?" "Don't act so surprised, lads. Or angry, for that matter. No point to playing, really, since we'd be sure to get trounced, ev'ry time. So forfeiting will save us time, money, and need I add, quite a lot of embarrassment." Plucky's jaw thudded to the floor with a dull clang, and the rest of the Toonsters just stared. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-but..." Plucky sputtered nearly incoherently. "You're giving up without even trying!" "You lot already have. You made it plain to any fool with eyes that you don't want to work at your playing football. So why should the Coach, and meself have to meet you for practices you're not going to put out any effort for, and play games that the team's going to get trounced in?" Nigel asked reasonably, and just a tad exasperatedly. "Now, I'm going to outline what I've got in mind on this blackboard, and I'd kinda like to be alone while I do it, so why don't you all just wait out in the hall there, and those few of you that still wanna hang around for the disaster can come back when I'm done. No hard feelings towards the rest of you, and all that rot. Shouldn't take me more than, oh, 5 minutes," he said, shooing them all out of the room. Plucky was slowly catching on to Nigel's ploy, but was hard pressed to see it as anything less than brilliant. He was using reverse psychology to persuade the team that the alternatives were worse to their actually working. What the little green duck was finding just a tad chilling was the rat's tone and posture. He, unlike Buster, was not going to go it alone, and face an opposing team by himself. Plucky was quite sure that Nigel would _really_ tell Bugs to disband the football team for this season, and forfeit all of Acme Looniversity's scheduled games, probably shrugging his shoulders, and telling Bugs that it could not be helped. When Plucky had, er, convinced Nigel to captain for the team, he had been hoping for a mere scapegoat on which to blame for their losses, _not_ somebody who would run the team with cruel practicality and untoonlike common sense. Nigel outlined his plans for the football team on the slightly cramped classroom's chalkboard while he awaited the arrival of those members of the team that wanted to stick it out with him. He listened as some toons filed into the room and sat down. The rat did not turn around until they stopped scraping the chairs and seating themselves. The albino grabbed a pointer and turned around to see that the whole team had rejoined him. "Ah. So you blokes would rather get a little exercise than quit the rest of the season," Nigel said, tapping his palm with the pointer. "You made an excellent case for it," Eric responded with a touch of wry. The Brit acknowledged this scant praise with a bow. "So for our next game we'll start exercising, building up your strength and stamina and learning how to tackle, Rugby style," Nigel continued, pointing to the section of the board devoted to that particular game. Hamton raised his hand, and got a nod from the captain. "I can see the exercises," Hamton uttered. "In fact I wholeheartedly agree with it. Makes for a better appetite for dinner. But why the Rugby tackles?" "Ah, very good question. I'm sure that you all saw how I flattened Plucky there, twice. If he'd been in better shape he'd 'ave blocked me, or done a fair job o' tryin'..." "Or flew away, as usual," Eric noted with another touch of wry. Everybody snickered except Plucky. Nigel smiled, and then continued. "Y'see, in Rugby a player's only counted as 'tackled' if 'e's been held still for longer than two or three seconds. Also you cannot just take the ball from a player until he's been called 'tackled'. Therefore it's in a Rugby player's best interests to tackle a bloke good an' 'ard. So's 'e'll stay down." "Oh," the pig uttered, enlightened. "So the Rugby tackles should give us a bit o' an edge 'gainst Perfecto, but we're not the sure thing for winnin' that we once were," Nigel observed reasonably. "Now after we get through with those, er, 'Perfectoads', we've got to keep ourselves in shape, 'cos we actually do have games after. Now once we make it through the season, you lads wot's goin' to be with us next year are to remember to leave your names with either Coach Bunny, or meself. Also you need to let us know if you'd be willin' to give up some of your summer freedom for the sake o' football. Extra trainin' an' that sort of thing. Mornin's o' course, cause summer afternoons are too 'ot, an' the nights you'd rather do stuff with your friends. Don't want to, that's fine. Just 'ave to work harder on-season..." "You know," Plucky observed, "you sound like you're going to lead us to the play-offs next year." "Oh good 'eavens no! Probably win some games next year, but nothing quite so radical." "Ahh... So you're plannin' on gettin' us pumped up ta where we win some games _next_ yeah?" Fowlmouth asked, in a surprisingly mild tone. "Yes," Nigel replied, nodding. "What's da plan _this_ yeah?" "Well, actually scoring some goals, to be honest." "Wadda ya t'ink about scelleratin' da plan somewhat?" the little rooster queried. "Wot?" Nigel asked, somewhat surprised. "Uhm... I could... if the other lads decide to go along with it... But why?" "Cause, DADGUMMIT, I wanna win a dadgum game THIS season!" Fowlmouth finally exploded. "I don' care if it's da Acme Bowl or not, I jus' want ta win!" "Anyone else feel this way?" Nigel asked, the surprise evident on his face. There was some discussion and a consensus was quickly reached by the team. "Well, Nigel," Plucky uttered thoughtfully, "to be perfectly blunt, if my character underwent any more building, I'd have my own show next season. And considering what they're calling 'shows' lately, I'd rather not go there." Nigel raised an eyebrow at this comment, but wisely said nothing. He'd heard of the green duck's previous so-called "show", and as far as Nigel was concerned, the less said about _that_, the better. -0- Lizbeth Carrotte skipped to her P.E. class, wondering how different it was going to be from the torture sessions of Soho. Oh, the exercises were never grueling, in order to spare the bodies of those rich snobs from any unladylike sweat. No, it was her (and her brothers) being treated like some sorts of menial servants (all because they weren't _that_ high up on the social ladder) that made Phys. Ed., and the whole experience at Soho Preparatory, so arduous. Thank you, Grandpa Carrotte. She got there early and looked over the roll. Lizbeth sighed when she noticed that one L. Bunny was her teacher. Privately she hoped that Lola would let her sit out this class at least until she could get some _other_ work-out clothes. The suit she had was given to her by her American cousin, who never wished to see it again: a white pair of shorts with orange and blue trim, and a matching, albeit shorter than necessary for Liz's taste, tank top with an orange and blue logo which read, 'Tune Squad.' Thank you, Cousin Lola. Then she looked at who her classmates were going to be... and spotted her cousin walking into the gym. "Lola, perchance did you have a hand in me schedulin'?" Liz asked, giving her cousin a look as she held the roll. "Might have. Why do you ask, Liz?" "Oh, nothin' much, really. I don't really mind havin' another class with Emily and Robin, but it seems that the _rest_ of the basketball team is in this class, as well. Well... except for that red-headed blighter wot likes to squeeze things to death..." Liz observed, looking thoughtfully at the roll. "Good riddance, I'd say. And don't look so surprised that I know who's on the basketball team, cous. After all, you've got that bloody big write-up about that exhibition game framed on the livin' room wall." "Oh, yeah," Lola said to herself, grimacing somewhat, then recovering. "Okay, so the girls' basketball team is in your gym class." "So, it's not a big deal, ay wot? Never mind the one that actually _taught_ me to play the game teaches the class, AND knows that I've played on a team before," Carrotte continued, clasping her hands behind her back and rocking from heel to toe. "I'd be one to think that you're trying to recruit me. Well, dear cousin, I've got news for you." She paused, taking a very deep breath. "__**IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!!**__" Lola was blown backward, head over heels, to the other side of the gym, where she came to a sudden, and somewhat painful, rest. "Oooow... She could give shouting lessons to that Kiddington character," Lola groaned to herself. From the side of the bleachers, as if on cue, a tow-headed human toon kid with green shirt, blue pants, and a mouth used to grinning really big grins, gazed at Lizzie in an expression of astonishment. "Wow," he uttered at an unusually low volume for him, and he turned to Lizbeth. "When are you going to teach me that?" "This afternoon, Loud. Acme Acres Park, that big field, four o'clock," Carrotte answered. "Don't be late, and don't forget you owe for your last one." "Okay, okay," Kiddington grumbled good-naturedly. As an afterthought, he asked, "But why _there_?" "Less chance of property damage." "Oh, right..." As he was leaving, the b-ball team stampeded over him in their rush to get in the gym and start practicing. "__**OWWW!!!**__" he yelled. Nobody listened to him. "Hey, Lizzie!" Robin Rabbit exclaimed in surprise. "I didn't know you were on the team!" "But... I'm..." she started to explain. "...Elmyra's replacement," Lola interrupted brightly. Lizzie glared at her cousin as if she wanted to make a fur collar out of her, but Lola simply ignored her. "Okay, girls, SUIT UP!" As the other girls dashed to the locker room to change, Lizbeth lagged behind and cast one last, forlorn glance at Lola. "Oh, don't look at me like that, Lizzie," Lola smiled innocently. "You know you can't go verbally assaulting school faculty and expect to get _away_ with it! Didn't they teach you that at Soho Prep?" "So this is your idea of punishing me?" "Well, now, I wouldn't say _thaaaaat_! Lizzie, don't look at it as punishment. Think of it as an excuse to get out of Elmer's class! Besides," she added as a clincher, pointing to the locker room, "I _think_ there's a brand new warm-up suit with your name on it in there." "Okay, just this once," Lizzie condescended. "But I'm _STILL_ not joining the team!" As Liz went in to change, Lola's eyes narrowed slightly, and she stage whispered, "Oh, _yes_ you are..." -0- Much later, Rhubella sat at her computer desk, going through her voice mail for the day. And it had been a rather hectic one at that. However, she chose not to dwell on recent events, as they tended to get her upset... especially Roddy's strange (well, okay -- stranger than usual) behavior of the last few days. She still couldn't believe that he could be so insanely jealous of Nigel; after all, he _was_ five years her junior, and she just didn't see anything in him. The hard part was trying to convince Roddy of that. As for his jealousy, she didn't know whether to be flattered or insulted by it. She continued to go through her voice mail, and heard a very familiar, raspy voice. Roddy. Just her luck. At this point, talking to him was about as pleasant a task as changing a used diaper, but she couldn't stop herself. Dialing his number, she waited impatiently for him to respond. It didn't take him long. "Hello, Roddy?" Ruby cooed noncommittally (just enough so that he couldn't tell if he was still in hot water with her or not). "What's on your so-called mind?" "Umm... babe..." he said, haltingly, which was totally unlike him, "We got trouble..." "Oh, _NOW_ you figured that out, did you?" Ruby snapped. "No, Ruby, I meant _Perfecto's_ in trouble..." "As if I should care," she replied lazily. "Well, go ahead, tell me all about it, and I'm sure you will." Roddy proceeded to do just that, telling Ruby of the school's recent financial troubles, the deal with Bobbo Acme, and the newer double-deal with Montana Max. Ruby listened attentitively, punctuating his report with an occasional "You idiot!" and "Roddy, how *COULD* you?!?" and remarks like that there. To say she was incredulous was putting it mildly; but she hadn't heard _anything_ yet. As Roddy finished his tale of woe, it actually sounded to her as if he were... naaah, he couldn't be. "That's the story, babe," he concluded between sniffles. "If we lose to Acme this year, Bobbo turns Perfecto into a parking garage; and if we win, Monty takes it over. Either way, Perfecto comes out on the losing end..." "Oh, stop snivelling," Ruby finally commanded. "Give me a moment to think, here..." Ruby drummed her fingers on her head, taking care not to muss up her hair, before finally arriving at an idea. "Ah-HA!" she exclaimed, as if she'd just discovered a cure for Elmyra. "You got something?" Roddy asked, with only a very small sliver of hope evident in his voice. "I _think_ so," Rhubella smiled. "It's not much, but it's all you've got..." "Huh?" "Look, Roderick Llewellyn Rat, you just thank your lucky stars you've _still_ got a bright girlfriend who's willing to bail your... tail... out of this! Just leave everything to me!" "Um... okay..." Ruby hung up on him before he could continue any further, and signed off her voice-mail. She took a deep breath, flexed her fingers over the keyboard, and hoped she wouldn't be interrupted. It was going to be a long night, and Rhubella had some "research" (_she_ called it) to do... -0- Several hours later, a frustrated Ruby sat glaring at her PC and wondered where she could have possibly gone wrong. Her so-called "research" had gotten her absolutely nothing for her efforts except cramps in her hands and a missed dinner. "I should have known this wouldn't work," she muttered, half-aloud. "What wouldn't work, dear?" Ruby turned around to see her mom, Rhonda, standing in the doorway. 'Someday,' Ruby thought to herself, 'I've GOT to find out how she always knows when to come in...' Motioning to the corner of her bed, Ruby sighed. "Pull up a rejoinder and sit down. It's a long story." "Okay," Rhonda replied. Rhubella then told her the entire story-- Perfecto's problems, and Ruby's possibly bright idea that turned out to be totally useless--while her mom listened attentitively. "...So, that's it. I thought if I could get access to the Perfecto alumni list, I might find _somebody_ on it with enough 'old money'... or even 'relatively new money'..." "...To save the school?" Rhonda finished her daughter's sentence for her as Ruby nodded miserably. "You know, dear, after the way they treated you, you _really_ don't owe them anything..." she said, discounting for the moment the fact that she disapproved of how Ruby tried to go about her grand crusade in the first place. "I know, Mom; I just hate to see it all end that way, is all. The thought of either Bobbo or Monty getting their mitts on it just makes me _angry_!" Ruby stated emphatically. "I just never realized that the alumni list would be so _inaccessible_..." "Says _you_," Rhonda said, much to Ruby's confusion. And with that, her mom seated herself at Ruby's computer, and pulled a piece of paper from her dress pocket. As Ruby watched in wide-eyed wonder, Rhonda typed the word "BARNABASACME", and smiled half-smugly as the first page of the entire Perfecto alumni list presented itself on the screen! Ruby was floored. "BarnawhatsaWHO?!?" "Barnabas Acme. You know, the founder of Perfecto Prep? Maybe you heard of him?" Rhonda winked as Ruby hung her head shamefacedly. Of all the passwords in the world, that was the one she would have _never_ thought of! "And before you ask me where *I* got it from, let's just say you thank _your_ lucky stars that your old mom's made a few important connections from her real estate business, and leave it at that, _capice_?" Ruby stood there, shaking her head. "Mom, you never cease to amaze me." "I know, I _know_," the older of the pair replied. "Now I think you'd better make a printout of this list, already," she added, as she headed towards the door... -0- Ruby was late coming to basketball practice, a fact not exactly lost on their coach. In fact, Lola was almost ready to read her the riot act when she finally _did_ show up... until she noticed the rat's bleary eyes and hangdog expression. "Okay, team, take five," Lola said, before turning her attention to Ruby. "Um, Ruby, are... are you okay?" "I've felt better," she sighed flatly. "Yes, you look it," Lizzie commented. Ruby didn't even bat an eye. Even if she wanted to, she was just too worn out to do so. "Okay, Rhubella," Emily said. "Lay it on us. What's wrong?" She didn't need to ask. As Ruby's closest friend at Acme Loo, she already knew (as did the other girls). Ruby pulled the printout of the Perfecto alumni list from her purse as she explained the latest developments. "...And that's the story. Turns out that every member on that list is either in Bobbo Acme's pocket or in Monty's. It's _hopeless_!" "May I see that list?" RuBarb asked suddenly. Ruby shrugged. "Go ahead..." RuBarb quickly read through it (having mastered speed reading at an early age), and then asked, "Are you sure that's _all_ of the surviving alumni?" The question caught the rat totally off guard. "What do you mean by that?" "We-ll," RuBarb stated matter-of-factly, "they _missed_ one." This peaked Ruby's curiosity. "Say that again?" "They missed one. Harold Purrington, class of '61." She pointed to the place on the list where his name should have been, but wasn't. "See?" Ruby took another look. "Are you _sure_?" she asked skeptically. "Sure I'm sure," the kitten replied. "He's... a very close relative of mine. Lives up in Boston." "Like an uncle, or something?" Lizzie asked. "Eh-yeah, like," Rue replied noncommittally. "He had his name removed from the alumni list because... well, it's not important why..." "You think he might help?" Ruby asked hopefully. "Maybe yes, maybe no," RuBarb shrugged. "He still has mixed feelings about Perfecto, so it might not be worth asking him..." "Well, I have to _try_," Ruby countered, a new determination in her voice. "That's nice, Ruby," Lola said, tossing her a basketball, "but first things first, okay?" "Okay, Coach," Ruby acknowledged, tearing down the court before stopping, making yet another of her standing leaps and sinking the ball into the net without even trying. "How's that?" "Not bad," Lola replied. "A little showy, but not bad. Say, I've always wondered... how are you able to _do_ that?" "Oh, you mean 'The Leap'?" Ruby grinned. "Well, my dad was a kangaroo rat. Just comes naturally, of course." The rest of the team looked at each other and mumbled, "Of course." -0- Despite all arguments from RuBarb, Rhubella was determined to see this Harold Purrington character--and Rue did her best to try and dissuade Ruby. However, nothing the kitten said would change the rat's mind. Besides, there was _something_ in the way RuBarb first told her about him that led Ruby to think she wasn't telling her all she knew (a remnant of that evasiveness she showed when they first met). Feeling around on the ground as though she'd lost something, Ruby finally found the hem of the backdrop, and gave it a good swift yank. Suddenly, Acme Acres rolled up as if it were a windowshade, and Ruby found herself in Boston, Massachusetts. "If word of this ever gets out, the airlines could go out of business," she laughed to herself. Referring to the directions that RuBarb had reluctantly given her, she wandered through the confusing maze of buildings that comprised Boston proper, silently berating herself for not bringing cab fare. Finally, she reached the financial district and her destination, a very large and _very_ imposing structure known as The Tralfaz Building. Taking a deep breath, she walked to the front door, and was almost inside when a sharp voice stopped her. "FRIEND OR FOE?" it snapped. "Huh?!?" Ruby turned around quickly, and found herself facing the business end of a rifle, being pointed at her by a very menacing guard! _This_, she didn't expect. Not in Boston, anyway. "_FRIEND_OR_FOE_?!?" the guard repeated brusquely, in a way that told Ruby he _wasn't_ going to ask her that question a third time. She knew she had to think fast; fortunately, she did. Pointing as far away from her as she could, she quickly shouted, "Look! Over there!! It's _RAMBO_!!!" It worked. To her astonishment and bemusement, the guard lowered his weapon, and ran off in the direction she had pointed, screaming like the bobby-soxers of another era did for the young Frank Sinatra! Ruby dashed inside the building before the guard could realize he was on a wild goose chase, and allowed herself a brief moment of self- congratulation. "Girl, you are too _good_ at this!" she giggled. Then, regaining her composure, she made her way through the lobby until she found the building directory; then, finding the location of the office, entered an elevator and prepared herself for her meeting with Harold Purrington. -0- Knocking on Mr. Purrington's door, Ruby was surprised to find it unlocked, as it opened immediately. Without waiting for an invitation, she walked in, and was immediately dazzled by the surroundings. Ruby had only _dreamed_ of such splendor, and being in the midst of it nearly took her breath away. But, not as much as the deep, booming voice that caught her totally by surprise. "So, what do you think?" Ruby gasped as a very large shadow cast itself over her, and she turned around slowly... _very_ slowly... to find herself face to face with the biggest cat she had ever seen in her life! "Mr. Purrington?" she said weakly. "I don't recall ordering longtailed teriyaki," the cat said. "But, I _did_ miss lunch..." He wiggled his eyebrows menacingly, and inched closer. Ruby temporarily lost her self-control at that point. "(Gulp!) Do you mind if I scream for help? It won't take but a moment..." The cat roared with laughter. "A sense of humor! I _like_ that in an hors d'ouvere!" he said, stepping between Ruby and the door. Ruby quickly recovered her wits. "You _do_? Then laugh *this* off, mister!" And to the cat's astonishment, Ruby made a standing leap straight over him; unfortunately, she misjudged the arc and hit her head on the ceiling, causing her to hit the floor in a hurry. "OOOOF!" Shaking off the pain she felt, she reached for the doorknob, only to find it locked electronically from the outside. As the big cat closed in on her, Ruby had to acknowledge that things just weren't going the way she'd planned them. Preparing to face the inevitable, she reached in her blouse pocket for a piece of paper. "Would... would you do me a favor?" she asked, not waiting for a response. "Would you call this number and tell her... I failed?" she continued weakly. The cat shrugged, took the paper, and read the name and phone number Ruby had written on it. His jaw dropped. "Rudelle... Purren--" He paused, looking back and forth between the paper and Rhubella. When he spoke again, his voice, although still deep, was not as booming, nor as menacing, as it was before. "You... you know my daughter?" "Yeah, we're classmates at Acme Looni... your _DAUGHTER_?!?" Now it was time for Ruby's jaw to drop. "_You're_ RuBarb's father?" She was understandably confused. "But... but..." "You're wondering why our last names are different? It's a long story," he sighed, "and one I don't wish to go into..." He smiled. "Speaking of names, it _is_ 'Rhubella', isn't it?" Ruby could only nod. "Rudelle told me all about you." "That's more than she did about _you_," Ruby remarked dryly, conveniently forgetting for the moment just who she was addressing. "How's that again?" "Er-nothing," she added quickly, embarrassed. "Think nothing of it," the big cat sighed again. "My daughter and I don't see eye to eye on a _lot_ of things, I'm afraid... but enough about me. What brings you all this way from Acme Acres?" Ruby proceeded to tell him the reason for her visit. "...And that's the story, Mr. Purrington..." The cat raised a paw to interrupt her. "It's 'Purrenstein,' if you please," he smiled. "Continue..." "Well, as I was saying, Mr. Purrenstein, if Perfecto wins against Acme Loo, the property gets turned over to Montana Max..." "Montana... Max?" Mr. Purrenstein quickly moved over to his desk and looked in his computer records. "Oh, yes... Montana Max. Father is an 80-somethingish robber baron, mother is a 30ish ex-Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. The richest, most spoiled brat in Acme Acres... extremely greedy, and equally stupid, and easily fleeced by anyone with half a brain." The cat sneered contemptuously. "Humph! An upstart! A two-bit piker. Never _heard_ of him!" "Gee, you seem to know him so _well_," Ruby snickered. "Trust me, young woman, if I've never heard of him, he's a two-bit piker!" Purrenstein guffawed. "Now, what if Perfecto loses?" Ruby sighed. "Then Bobbo Acme gets it..." That was all she needed to say. "BOBBO ACME?!?" Purrenstein roared fiercely, knocking Ruby onto her tail in the process. "THAT horse thief?!?" "I... I take it you're not exactly on close terms?" Ruby ventured hesitatingly. "Take it from me... NEVER enter into an enterprise of ANY sort with *HIM*!" "I'll remember that," Ruby mused. "See that you do," Purrenstein admonished her. "Tell me, Rhubella, what's _your_ stake in all this?" "Stake? I don't really _have_ one," she admitted. "I just hate to think about Perfecto winding up in _either_ of their hands, is all..." She sighed deeply. "I guess it's hopeless, isn't it?" Purrenstein smiled. "Young woman, _nothing_ is ever hopeless. Don't forget _that_, either. You've obviously not considered the _third_ scenario!" "The... the _third_? What's _left_?" Now Ruby was back to being confused. "All in good time," Purrenstein hinted. "Is it so crazy that it just might work?" "Young woman, the word 'might' is NOT in my vocabulary! It'll work. Trust me." As he unlocked the door, he asked, "By the way, how did you ever get by the guard?" Ruby grinned wickedly. "I sent him after Rambo!" Purrenstein roared even louder, laughing and slapping his knee. "HAW! HAW! HAW! That IS a good one! I like you, Rhubella. You've got _potential_!" "You think so?" "I can spot it a mile away, young woman! Trust me, you've _got_ it." As they made their way out of the Tralfaz Building, they were startled to see the selfsame guard, now looking as if he was on the losing end of an argument with the Tasmanian Devil! "What happened to _you_?" Ruby asked. "I caught up with Mr. Rambo," the guard managed to say, hoisting the stock end of his now bent and twisted rifle in their direction. "All I said was, 'Sir, will you sign my butt?' Next thing I know, *POW!*" "'*POW*?'" asked Ruby and Mr. Purrenstein. "He decked me." And so saying, he slumped to the pavement in an unconscious heap. Purrenstein shook his head sadly. "It's a good thing I never let him have any _bullets_..." -0- "...And of course, you remember Acme Looniversity. It's not much, but it's school," Ruby told Mr. Purrenstein as she gave him a walking tour of Acme Acres. "Hmmm... yes. Changed a bit since I was here last," he observed. "Well, they can't all be Harvard, can they?" Harry chuckled. If that was a joke, it was lost on Ruby. "And you say Rudelle stays in that dormitory over there?" "Yes. Would you like to see her?" "Not at present. I don't want her to know I'm here yet." "Okay. Tell you what," Rhubella said, thinking out loud. "Bugs is probably in his office right now. Why don't you..." "...get to know him? Capital idea!" And, after Ruby gave him the directions, he went off to do just that, which was probably a good thing, considering Ruby had spotted Rue and Nigel standing off to one side of the library. And from what Ruby had seen, their conversation was becoming incredibly animated, even for them. "What do you mean you have to break our date?" RuBarb asked Nige petulantly. "I thought we were all set..." "We were, and I'm sorry, luv, but this bloody football practice is going to take much more time than I thought it would," Nigel sighed in exasperation. "I hate to say it, but these blokes would make a girls' school team look good!" His offhand remark took the kitten completely aback. "_What_ did you just say?" Rue glared at him. "And before you answer, remember I used to _go_ to a girls' school..." "Were you any good?" "No, but that's not the point, Nigel! You don't have to be so chauvinistic!" "Who's being chauvinistic? It's only a _joke_! And _you_ don't have to be so sensitive," he countered. "You know, if I didn't know better, I'd swear you fouled up that attempt at the Slapstick Maneuver on purpose!!" "Now why would I want to do a thing like _that_?" "You _know_ why!!!" RuBarb hissed, unsheathing her claws. "I would _not_!" Nigel proclaimed defiantly. "I was raised to be a gentleman!" "Pity it didn't take, isn't it?" RuBarb growled. "Yes, well, I'd _expect_ that sort of response from a girl who's given up on _MODESTY_!" he said, noting for the first time her lack of wardrobe. "WHAT?!?" Rue shrieked angrily. "That's _it_, pal! Far as I'm concerned, you can spend all _year_ with your precious football team!" "The way _they_ play, I may jolly well _have_ to!" Nigel joked. "And you can take your ring back, too!!" Nigel looked understandably confused. "But... but I haven't _given_ you a ring..." "And on top of that, you're _cheap_, too!!!" Rue cried, running towards the dorm, but not before giving Nigel a fierce slap in the face. Unfortunately, she forgot to resheath her claws, with the result being that neat slices of Nigel's head lay on the ground looking up at him, with his eyes blinking. ::blink:: ::blink:: "I say, this _is_ rather a sticky wicket, eh wot?" he mused. Ruby casually strolled over and handed him his head (literally, seeing as how RuBarb had already done so figuratively). "Thanks, Ruby. I might need this in a bizarre set of circumstances someday," he quipped. "Anytime," Ruby noted dryly. "Nigel, what did you _say_ to her?" "I'd tell you, but I don't know how sharp your claws are..." "In other words, you've no idea." "Oh, I know... I'm just wishin' I _hadn't_, is all..." he muttered, now feeling completely depressed again. -0- Nigel had suited up for football practice, and was trying to get as much in the mood for it as possible, yet even a casual observer could tell his heart just wasn't in it. He didn't know it, but as he practiced kicking field goals (in order to take his mind off of RuBarb), and doing it rather badly, he was being _more_ than casually observed by a grey hare and a huge black cat. "Is _that_ him?" Harry Purrenstein asked. "Eh, yeah, Doc, dat's Nigel Carrotte. Believe it or not, he's da quarterback." "Good thing, too. He'd _never_ make it as a field goal kicker!" Harry noted with more than an ounce of bemusement. "Carrotte, Carrotte... I would _swear_ I know that name from somewhere. Oh well, it'll come to me. Would it be all right if I talked to the lad?" "Sure, go 'head. Knock yerself out," Bugs chuckled. Nigel continued kicking the football - badly - and so was more than a bit perturbed when his view of the goalpost was blocked by the huge black cat. "Excuse me, but you're blockin' my view..." "The way you're kicking, young man, does it really make that much of a difference?" "Well, when you put it like that, not really, no," Nigel grinned ruefully beneath his helmet. "Is there something I could 'elp you with?" "Yes, as a matter of fact, there is. I understand you're playing against Perfecto Prep in a few weeks..." "Yeah, that's right." Nigel eyed Harry suspiciously. "You wouldn't 'ave a vested interest in the outcome, now, would you?" "Well, young man, I'd be lying through my teeth if I answered to the contrary. It's not so much _me_, but a 'mutual acquaintance' of ours, you might say..." "'Ere! Are you asking me to throw the game? Cause Acme to lose?" "Oh, good heavens, no! Nothing of the sort!" Harry threw up his arms in defense. "I'm only suggesting that you might want to consider ending the game in... well... a _tie_..." "WHAT?!?" Nigel shrieked. "'Ave you bleedin' _flipped_, mate? Why, that's even _worse_! Where's the honour in THAT?" "So, you're big on honor, are you?" Harry noted. "You better believe it, Mac! It's an old family trait with us Carrottes, fortified through years at Soho Prep, where, I dare say, blokes like you would be boiled in oil for even _suggesting_ such a thing! However, seeing as we _are_ in America, I'll let you off with a warning!" "And that would be..." "Naff off, ponce! On yer bike!" Nigel shouted at the top of his lungs. Then, seeing Bugs approaching him, he added, "Coach, this poor excuse for an overstuffed spiv has asked me to violate the honour of the school by throwing our game against Perfecto!" Bugs cast an accusing eye at Harry. "Oh, he _did_, did he?" He then grabbed Harry by his jacket collar and led him forcibly off of the field, telling him, "You just come wit' _me_, mister!" as Nigel watched them go, satisfied that, at least this time, justice had prevailed. When they were sure they were out of Nigel's sight, however, it was a different story. "I didn't wrinkle da suit too much, did I, Mr. Purrenstein?" "No, not at all, Bugs. You played that perfectly! And you were right about young Carrotte's sense of honor. He'll make an excellent leader..." Harry stopped in mid-thought. "He mentioned Soho Prep..." "Yeah, dat's where he an' his siblings went to school before comin' over here. You know it, Doc?" "Only by reputation, Bugs. Upper echelon, cream of British society. You have to be royalty, or very wealthy, or even both, to even be put on the waiting list..." Harry snapped his fingers as the realization came to him. "Of _course_! THAT'S where I know that name from! Tell me, is his father by any chance _Rupert_ Carrotte?" "I _t'ink_ so, yeah. You know him?" "Again, only by reputation. He's _very_ well-known in the British banking circles. His bank has asked him to come to America to oversee the opening of a branch office here in Acme Acres, in fact," Harry chuckled softly. "Well, well, well... so Sir Rupert Carrotte's son is your quarterback..." "Eh, 'Sir'?" Bugs asked, ears perking up. "Den dis would make all t'ree of dem kids..." "Royalty, Bugs, royalty. I dare say, I don't think even Perfecto has anybody that comes _close_ to their status!" Bugs laughed even louder. "What's so funny?" "Oh, nuttin', it's just dat I know of a coitain rat at Perfecto who'd have a major coronary if he ever found out, hee hee hee..." -0- The next afternoon, that 'coitain rat,' Roderick, and Danforth Drake were strolling the grounds of the Perfecto campus, discussing the sort of strategy that had very little to do with football. "Danforth?" "Yes, Roddy?" "Are you a betting man?" "What kind of a question is _that_, Roddy? You KNOW I am!" The two Perfectoids laughed at their little joke. "Why do you ask?" "Because, Danny, there may just be a silver lining in our dark cloud," Roddy snickered. "You know that bundle of pretty cash we got stashed away?" "You mean 'petty cash,' don't you?" "Believe me, Drake, as much of it as there is, there's nothing petty about it!" The two laughed again. "Yes, what about it?" "I think I know how we can profit on our misfortune, heh heh! All you have to do is..." And he whispered a set of instructions to his cohort that made even _his_ eyes grow wide with astonishment. "You want me to bet ALL of it on Acme to win?!?" "No, of course not! Just half. And then, I'll take the other half and bet it on _our_ side! Heh heh heh, whaddaya think?" "Roddy, old boy, that's _brilliant_!" "It's past brilliant, Danforth," Roddy corrected him. "It's sheer flippin' INGENIOUS!!!" he shouted, swinging his arms back to punctuate his overconfidence, without noticing that Rhubella was casually walking up behind him. Next thing any of them knew, *POW!!!!!* He'd smacked Ruby right in the face, hard, giving her a black eye! "What the ----?" he asked, before seeing the crumpled form on the ground. "EEEEP! Ruby! I'm sorry! I didn't see you there, honest!" Memories of the Mega Mall incident came flooding back to her in an instant, and she went ballistic! After thrashing Roddy to within an inch or two of his life, she removed the ring he'd given her and, donning a pair of latex gloves, shoved it down his throat full force! "I _warned_ you what would happen, didn't I, Roderick?" "(Gulp!) But, babe..." "DON'T YOU 'BABE' _ME_, MISTER!! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!!! EVER!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Angrily, Ruby stormed off to head goodness knows where, leaving a hurt, confused, and mangled Roddy in a heap on the ground. "Ouch." Roddy managed to croak before blacking out. -0- In the meantime, two bunnies, one pink and one blue, were busy discussing recent events... "I was _wondering_ if they were ever going to get around to _us_," Babs complained irritably. "Some nerve! Put us at the beginning of a story and then forget all about us! Why, I oughta..." "Rope it in," Buster suggested. "So, let's review what we know so far..." "Right!" Babs chirped, pulling out a long list, donning a pair of 'cat's eye' glasses, and reading. "The moon isn't made of green cheese; the millennium _actually_ starts on Jan. 1, 2001; professional wrestling is _real_; and Paula Jones..." Babs peered up slyly from her list and wiggled her eyebrows. "Make up your own joke here, folks!" "_BABS_..." "What?" Buster shook his head somberly. "Uh-uh. Forget it!" "Oh! Heh-heh... sorry, folks! Wrong list... so, what _do_ we know for sure?" "Well, Babs, let's see... Nigel's the quarterback of the football team this year..." "Hasn't got a prayer..." "I hear that..." "Perfecto's in danger of being turned over to either Bobbo or Monty, depending on the outcome of the Acme/Perfecto game..." "No big loss..." "Agreed..." "Ruby's trying to talk RuBarb's dad into helping her save the place..." "Stupid idea..." "Absolutely..." "Mr. Purrenstein and Nigel didn't exactly hit it off..." "Those things'll happen..." "Well, yeah..." The Bunnies took a deep breath. "Ready?" "My turn?" "Uh-huh." "Roddy's got a plan of his own..." "Doomed from the start..." "You betcha..." "Nigel and RuBarb have just broken up..." "I could see it coming..." "Me, too..." "Roddy and Ruby have also broken up..." "No big loss there, either..." "Quite..." "Lizzie and Lola have had a row..." "How come?" "Does it matter?" "Guess not..." "Exactly... Oh, and RuBarb's become a nudist..." (irritably) "So what?" "I see... Gee, Babs, the only ones in this story who are having a good time so far are Leo and Miranda." "Yeah, but how long will _that_ last?" "True... which I guess just leaves _us_... and we don't even know what we're doing here!" "Buster... do we ever?" "Not really... Think we oughta see Bugs?" "Why not? Anything to get out of this lame recap..." "Agreed..." -0- Miranda Mink was wheeling out of the Acme Loo science lab when she spotted Lionel, carrying a tote bag full of records and CDs. "Leo! What are you doing here so late?" "Oh, hi, Miranda," he said hurriedly. "You know the R&D show on the station?" "What? KACME-LOO has a show about Research and Development?" Leo couldn't help but chuckle. "What's so funny?" "No, luv, it's 'Request And Dedications'..." "Oh. Shows you how _my_ mind works..." "Yeah," the rabbit leered playfully, bending down and tickling her. "But who said I wanted you for your _mind_?" "Oh, stop!" Miranda giggled in her trademark fashion. "Anyhow, you were saying?" "Oh, right... Well, the regular D.J. got sick, so I was asked to fill in for him tonight." "In other words..." "Roped in kickin' and screamin' I was," Leo smiled. "Oh well, it's extra credit, anyway... But, hey, enough about me. Seems _you're_ here after hours as well, eh?" "Yeah, I was working on a project in the science lab... hey, did you hear what happened?" "You mean 'bout Rue and Nige? It's been all he's been on about, luv," Leo noted with some concern. "The poor chap's lost interest in everything... school, the band, even the ruddy football team. I've never _seen_ 'im this bad before!" "I know. It's the same with Rue." "Wot? She's lost interest in football, too?" Miranda took a deep breath and hit Leo on the forearm. "Ow! Is that your solution to everything, luv?" "No, actually, _that_ would be hydrochloric acid..." the mink said with as straight a face as possible. "Besides, I didn't hit you _that_ hard. Anyway, I knew about Nige and Rue. I was referring to Ruby and Roderick..." "What? 'ave they split, too?" This was news to Leo. "Oh, dear. Lot o' that goin' round, innit? Hope we're not next!" he added, bending down and kissing the young mink passionately. Finally coming up for air, Miranda replied, "Whoa! After a smooch like _that_, I don't think so, lover!" Looking at her watch, she said, "Ooops! Gotta fly! Have a good show, Leo!" "Righty-o! Have a good... whatever it is you have about this time!" "It's called 'dinner'," Miranda giggled, opening the armrest on her wheelchair and activating the built-in helicopter, blowing him a kiss as she flew away. "Later!" "Later!" Leo called back, before dashing into the studio, taking a seat and donning his headphones just in time. "'Ello, 'ello, wot's all this then?" he cheerfully signed on. "It's 6 o'clock and it's 'Carrotte Time' meets 'Requests and Dedications' at station K-ACME LOO RADIO, the station with the most needless amount o' call letters of any on the dial. I'm Lionel Carrotte, ignoring the playlists and slappin' on wot _I_ like, and if you don't like it, there's always talk radio... Oh, an' speakin' of wot I like, 'ere's White Town and 'The Shape Of Love'." He cut off his mike and glanced at the phone to see buttons lighting up like crazy. "Well," he muttered, "I see we've got the request line openin' up already... 'Ello?" Leo prided himself on being prepared for anything that could come up, but the request he was about to receive would knock him for a loop... -0- Nigel lay back on the couch, it being his turn tonight, enjoying, or at least trying to, the tranquility of the evening after a most horrible day. His homework for tonight was finished, so now he could make an attempt at relaxing. The radio was on and tuned to the request and dedication show on KACME. The ballads and love songs that were requested were usually some of the better ones, and the dedications sometimes had intrinsic entertainment value. Nigel was constantly amazed, and amused, at _just_ what some people were willing to say on the air. He had even quoted some of the more ridiculous ones at lunchtime, when they were all together. This time was different. This time the declarations of undying love only served to make Nigel all the more depressed, and all the more angry and ashamed of himself. Every time he went over the argument he had with RuBarb, his remarks sounding all the more snotty each play back, he wondered why he had said those things in the first place. Especially his crack about her giving up modesty. Nigel had met Penelope and Sylvia, and he had Fifi LaFume for a Home Economics teacher. Who was _he_ to spout off about modesty? 'Cor! I should 'ave watched me bleedin' mouth!' Nigel thought bitterly. 'Now I've alienated the only girl that'd give me the time o' day...' Nigel closed his eyes, leaning further into the pillow, listening as Leo started his voice-over on the tail end of "The Shape Of Love," about to answer another of his overworked phone lines. "Uh... Hi," came an extremely familiar raspy voice, startling the heck out of Nigel. _He_ was the _last_ person that the albino ever expected to hear on the radio... "I'd like to make a dedication..." "Roddy?" Nigel uttered, surprised in the extreme, and was practically floored at what came next. It was obviously hesitant, almost shy, words that Roderick Rat was unused to being so public with his emotions, and would rather tell Rhubella in person. There was just one problem: Ruby never wanted to see him again. "Guess I'm not the _only_ one who put his foot in it up to the knee," the albino rat mused, about to turn off the radio until he heard the song. The familiar nickelodeon-driven sound of Sailor, Nigel's favorite band after Slade, soon filled his ears. The lyrics hit him like a blow, and he found himself asking the question contained within them. What _do_ you do about love, when it hurts you? He thought about this, and realized that he, himself, had said what to do, not too long ago. "Guess I'd better take my own advice," Nigel said, removing the headphones, and cutting off the radio. He picked up his jacket, and after leaving a note for Lola, just in case, he headed out the door. -0- Bugs Bunny was preparing to spend a quiet evening curled up with Honey Bunny and a good book... on second thought, the book could wait... when he was interrupted by a knock on the door. "Eh, sorry, we're closed up. Come back in September if ya still want an altoinative excuse for a _real_ education an' we'll talk then..." He looked up to see two young rabbits peeking in. "Oh, hiya, Buster! You too, Babs! What's on yer minds?" he asked, motioning them inside. Buster wasn't quite sure how to begin. "Well, Pop, we've been thinking..." "Gee, an' after all we did ta put a stop ta dat," Bugs grinned. "I'm vaguely disappointed in ya... Okay, junior, spill it..." "It's like this... Acme Loo is a big building, right?" "Yeah..." Bugs agreed. "Sometimes _too_ big. Dere's a whole _section_ of floor space dat ain't never been used!" "Which one?" Babs asked. "Da top floor," Bugs replied. "Da whole... I mean, the whole floor?" "You got it, daughter-in-law! Yer point being...?" Buster paced back and forth, searching for just the right words. "What if you put that floor to some good use?" "And what 'good use' didja have in mind, Buster?" "Um... sort of a 'continuing Looniversity'?" "Eh... I don't quite get it. Elucidate, gates!" "You know, Bugs," continued Babs, "kind of like a college for past Acme Loo grads who wanted to continue their education?" "Well, whaddaya think?" chimed in Buster. Bugs looked skeptically at the two Bunnies before him. "I t'ink youse two have both been kidnapped by aliens, dat's what. Since when did you two evah take dis loinin' stuff serious?" "Ever since Elmyra got her own show," Babs confessed irritably. "Oh, since dat," chuckled Bugs. "Yeah, I hoid about dat. Dey start shootin' da foist episode next week." "I hope they use real ammo," Babs muttered unemotionally. "Don't worry 'bout it. I got da woid from Ruegger dat it ain't gonna run no longer dan thoiteen episodes." "Just like you-know-who's," Buster remarked. "Dat's cold, Buster..." "But it's _true_..." "Be dat as it may, would youse _really_ wanna spend any more time dere dan ya absolutely _had_ ta?" "The truth?" Babs asked gleefully. "Naw, I'm in da mood for a barefaced fib..." "Gee, in that case, we'd better go, Babsie," Buster sighed, his shoulders slumped down. "We're all out of barefaced fibs today..." Bugs looked at the blue bunny as if he were loonier than Gogo Dodo. "Let's face it, Pop," Buster finally admitted. "There _must_ be some reason Babs and I haven't gone further in our careers than we have, and..." "...And maybe it's because we still haven't learned enough about how to be successful cartoon characters," Babs said, finishing Buster's sentence for him. "Well, den, how can ya explain Plucky and Elmyra gettin' dere own shows before youse two?" "Dumb luck?" Babs shrugged. "If that's the case, then how come Plucky's show vanished after only thirteen weeks?" Buster argued. "Oh, dat was _bad_ luck!" Bugs laughed. "For Plucky or the audience?" "Wait a minute," Babs said incredulously. "He had an _audience_?" "Yeah, but the parole board turned him down anyway," Buster cackled. The well-known sound of crickets suddenly filled the room, and all three rabbits looked around as if they were trying to find the source. "Eh-heh..." Bugs folded his arms across his chest, raised an eyebrow, and eyed Buster coolly. "Congratulations, junior," he said. "It's a cockamamie idea, but based on dat last joke, ya just convinced me ta go ahead wid' it!" As they left Bugs' house, Babs remarked cheerfully, "What are you so glum about, Buster? We won... didn't we?" "I guess," he sighed, "but in the immortal words of Foghorn Leghorn, 'There must, I say, _must_ have been some way we coulda _lost_!'" -0- RuBarb had just turned on the radio, as she had gotten in the habit of doing, when the knock came on her door. She stormed to it, about to rip into the rat she was sure was there, taking a deep breath for her spiel. She threw the door open, and stomped once into the hall, only to have her jets suddenly cooled. Right species, but wrong rat. "Ah... Rhubella... what a surprise," she stammered. "Can I come in?" Ruby asked. RuBarb nodded, and admitted the girl, who was looking more than a little distraught. Ruby went to the couch and sat down hard, burying her head in her hands. "Roddy again?" the kitten asked, recognizing the look. Ruby just nodded, then looked up, tears in her eyes. "Listen... I'll share if you will. Fair?" "Sure. I think we both need someone to talk to right now," RuBarb said, sitting down. Ruby started the conversation rolling. "Boys are so _useless_!" "I agree. Unfortunately, they're all we've got." "Unfortunately..." -0- It was quite a bit later, when their conversation finally died down. RuBarb didn't know about Rhubella, but _she_ was beginning to feel a _little_ better. It was then she realized that the radio was still tuned to KACME's R&D show. She stood up, and strode to the stereo. "Why are we listening to _this_?" she asked, considering whether to turn the music off, or tune in to a different station. Privately, she knew the answer. She had started listening to the show because she did not believe Nigel's claims about the dedications; she continued to listen because he had been right. Now it only served to remind her of how mad she was at Nigel just now. She was about to touch the controls, when an extremely familiar voice told the deejay that he'd like to make a dedication. "Roddy???" Ruby uttered, completely stunned, and RuBarb froze, then slowly eased her hand away from the button. They both just stared at the stereo, as Roddy poured his heart into what had to be his most public apology yet. This was obviously something he was not used to doing; but by the same token, it was also something Ruby wasn't used to hearing, at least from him. As he fumbled for the right words to express his true feelings for Ruby, words he would've ridiculed any other caller for, Ruby realized that for once, _she_ was completely at fault. What was she _thinking_, sneaking up on him like that? At that angle, _anybody_ would have wound up a perfect - although unwitting - target. It just happened to be her; and she hadn't given Roddy the benefit of the doubt, or even a _chance_ to explain. She just let her temper get the worst of her. As she listened to the lyrics of his dedication, and realized that this lout she'd been going with for all these years really _did_ have a sensitive side, in spite of his attempts to hide it from everyone, including her, she went numb, tears flowing freely down her face. "Roddy... what have I _done_?" she sobbed when the song was over. Rue placed an arm around the rat and handed her her cell phone. "Here," she said. "Why don't you call him?" Hesitantly, she did as the kitten suggested. "H... Hello, Roddy?" "Ruby?" "I... I heard you on the radio tonight... that was beautiful..." "It... it _was_?" "Listen... can we meet at Milleway's? Round nineish?... Don't worry about _that_. It's _my_ treat... we have a _lot_ to talk about... okay... oh, Roddy?" "What?" "I... I love you..." "Me, too, Babe..." -0- Nigel stood in front of the dormitory steps, wondering how he was going to see RuBarb. His nerve had abandoned him, leaving him somewhat unable to climb the steps. His instincts screamed that he was going near a predator, and one that was angry at him too. Unfortunately, his being sliced and diced three times in less than two days was a memory with quite a bit of staying power. He stepped toward the window, his fear ebbing a little with the meager protection that a wall between them offered. He raised his hand to the pane of glass, and gingerly tapped it. -0- RuBarb sat in the living area, thinking about everything that happened, yesterday _and_ tonight, when she heard it. It was the faintest sound, barely audible. It was there, though. A faint, almost hesitant tap on the glass of her front window. She looked, and growled a bit. There stood Nigel, fingers tapping lightly on the glass, and an ear tilted to hear the sound of anybody approaching. The kitten padded over to the window, barely making any noise. She then _threw_ it open, nearly changing the face of the dormitory permanently, and glared at the rat, who looked somewhat startled. "_WHAT_...," she growled. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" Nigel yelped, jumping three to five feet into the air, fur standing on end. He landed, hard, and stood there for quite a long time, clutching his chest, and panting like a marathon runner. "... do you want?" RuBarb finished, in more normal, if rather upset, tones. Nigel, still panting a little, looked at her, nervously running a hand through his hair. "Just takin' a bit of my own advice, Rue." "Oh really?" "Yes. I'm here to beg, plead, grovel, and throw myself 'pon your mercy, if you can spare any for a bloody cowardly larrikin, who can't apologise properly face-to-face, as he should be doing..." Nigel trailed off, shaking his head, and sighing in defeat. "I can't win. I'm cut to pieces with you, fallin' to pieces without you, but there's no way on earth that I'll e'er be worthy of you." The albino lowered his head, and pleaded, "I hope you'll forgive my rash words from this afternoon, RuBarb... You didn't deserve such cavalier treatment..." Then he turned, taking a step away from her window. "I... I hope you'll consider me a fairly good acquaintance, at least... G... g... goodbye, Rue." The dejected rat then started toward the sidewalk. RuBarb briefly remained at her window, her face quivering, and tears forming in her eyes. Finally, she just couldn't stand it any longer, and cried out, "Nigel! _Wait_!!" And with a combination of feline agility and youthful exuberance, she leaped out of the open window after him. Unfortunately for Rue, she'd overlooked a simple but effective law of 'relationship physics', which states that every time you call after someone by name, they're almost guaranteed to turn around. And as luck would have it, Nigel did exactly that, knocking the kitten to the ground before he could stop himself. Fortunately, unlike Ruby's earlier brush with Roddy, Rue _knew_ it was an accident. She could tell by Nigel's anguished cry of "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGH!" and the way he winced when they made contact. He approached her timidly, knowing full well that this time, he _deserved_ to be carved like so much roast beef. "R... Rue?" "Well, don't just stand there," she suggested. "Help me up!" "Oh! Right!" He did, and then nervously looked at her. "Um... I'm sorry..." "You keep _telling_ me that!" Rue declared, brushing herself off. "I know. Creature of habit," Nige said. "Well, don't feel bad. It was my fault." Nigel interrupted her. "Look, before anything else disastrous happens, Rue, I... I still want to apologise for what I said earlier today. It was stupid, I know..." "Yes, it warn't too brilliant, were it?" Rue smiled. "I probably overreacted, too... Look, Nigel, tell you what... next time I start to say something stupid, kiss me, will you?" "Only if you do the same for me, luv..." "Gee, in that case, we'd never come up for air," Rue blurted. "Er, what I mean is..." Nigel pulled her close and planted a kiss on her that threatened to cut off both of their oxygen supplies. She purred and responded by wrapping her luxurious tail around the two of them. "On the other hand," Nigel finally conceded, breaking long enough to draw another breath, "I s'pose there _is_ somethin' to be said for the natural look, isn't there?" "I s'pose," Rue agreed breathily. "And for what it's worth," she added, quoting the song Roddy dedicated to Ruby, "I don't care that you're 'not the neighbourhood Romeo'." "Yeah, 'I guess for that I've got far to...'" Nigel suddenly froze when he realized he was quoting the exact same song. "Were you list'nin' to that show tonight?" "Myself and Ruby. I didn't know Roddy was so sensitive..." "Neither did I. If I'd thought of it, I would've dedicated it to you if he hadn't beaten me to it," Nigel grinned. "Looks like you owe Roddy a 'thank you,' then, doesn't it?" "I guess I do, at that," Nigel grinned. "Of course, it'll have to be where no one can see us..." RuBarb didn't know if that was going to lead to him saying something stupid or not, so she planted a kiss on him anyway that threatened to turn both of their fur blue. Breaking loose to grab another gulp of oxygen, he asked, "So I'm forgiven, then?" "Yeah, I'd say so. Will you be in the mood for football practice tomorrow?" "REALP!!" Nigel yelped. "I almost forgot... um, you won't mind, will you, luv?" "Naw, go ahead, Nige." "Just as long as _he_ doesn't come back..." "He who?" "Oh, this big black cat approached me the other day and asked me to throw the game, can you believe that? But Bugs and I told _him_ off!" "Well, good for... URK! Did you say 'big black cat'?" "The BIGGEST!" "Um, Nigel... was he wearing a cream-colored hat and jacket?" "With a matching vest, yeah..." "And did he ask you to _lose_ the game?" "No, that's the _odd_ part. Merely _tie_ it... you know him, Rue?" RuBarb hesitated before telling him, "Um, Nigel, I don't know how to tell you this, but... you had a run-in with my father!" "Your... WHAT?!?" Nigel's jaw dropped. "Why on earth would he ask me to... Rue, is there something you haven't told me yet?" "I... I'm afraid so, Nige..." The rat listened closely as RuBarb explained what Rhubella had been up to. "Oh ho, so this is all _Ruby's_ doing, is it?" Nigel smiled. Rue could only nod silently. "Well, I think it's time she and I had us a little chat, eh wot?" -0- "Rhubella?" Rhonda Rat called to her daughter from the foot of the stairs. "You have a visitor..." "Already?" Ruby asked, flustered. "Mom, it's not even 8:30 yet! What's Roddy doing here so early?" Hurriedly, she threw on an oversized t-shirt - at that point, the only thing she was wearing - and raced out of her room. It wasn't like Roddy to be early for one of their dates, much less on time. She raced downstairs, but came to a halt when she saw it was Nigel. "Sorry to disappoint you, luv, it's only me," Nigel smiled. "Nigel, what are you _doing_ here? Roddy's going to be here any minute or so..." "Well, good. The more, the merrier," he said. "Per'aps you can _both_ explain wot the big idea is, then..." He gestured towards the sofa, and the two rats sat down. "Nigel, _what_ are you blathering about? And can you make it fast? Roddy and I..." "...have a date or something, right?" Ruby nodded nervously. "Well, he'll have to wait. Now wot's the idea of sending Rue's father to get me to throw the game, eh?" "WHAT?!? Was _THAT_ what his big idea was?" Rhubella was beside herself. "Well, actually, he thought it would be a nice idea if we played to a _tie_, but..." "Wait a minute, wait a minute," Ruby held up a hand to silence her visitor. "Can we stop while I explain?" "I'm listening..." Nigel said, then listened as Ruby explained the whole situation. "_Ah_, so _now_ it all becomes clear! If we win, that high-rent low-life Bobbo Acme gets the deed to Perfecto; and if we lose..." "Then Monty gets it. Don't ask me how that works, I don't know," Ruby sighed. "But why a _tie_? I don't have the slightest idea, Nigel, honest! And I don't think it'd do any good to ask Roddy about it, either," she emphasized, looking at her watch. "And he'll be here any minute, and I'm not ready, and it's all your fault!" Tears were coming to her eyes. This was not what Nigel had in mind. Quickly, he wiped her eyes with a handkerchief he always carried for such occasions. "'Ere, now, Ruby, I didn't mean to upset you, luv. I just wanted to find out what was going _on_, is all. Tell you what," he suggested. "How 'bout if we make it a double date, then? You and Roddy and me and RuBarb?" "Nigel, really," she sniffed, "I don't think that's such a good idea..." "Why not? 'Cos Roddo can't stand the sight o' me? As you Yanks would put it, no problemo. I'm not particularly fond of lookin' at _him_, either," he grinned. "Look, I'll slip out and make me getaway before he shows up, and you..." The sound of Roddy's sports car horn interrupted him. "Oh, well," he sighed, preparing for the inevitable confrontation, "I guess _that's_ out of the question." "What are you going to do?" Ruby wondered aloud. "What I've _always_ done in a tight spot... pour on the charm!" "Has it ever worked before?" "Well, not really, no... but that doesn't mean there can't be a first time, now, can it?" Ruby cringed as Nigel answered Roddy's knocking. "Hey, babe, I hope you don't mind me being early..." Roddy said. "Gee, I didn't know you cared," Nigel grinned, to Roddy's obvious dismay. Ruby cringed deeper into her shirt. "ACK!! Ruby, what is _he_ doing... where'd she go?" "She's quiverin' inside her shirt, old boy," Nigel said matter-of- factly, pointing in Ruby's direction. "And before you assume the worst, absolutely _nothing_ happened! Of course," he continued reasonably, "I don't expect you'll believe me..." "And why _should_ I, Carrotte?" Roddy sneered. "Because _I_ said so, that's why!" Both Roddy and Nigel turned in the direction of that last statement, to see Rhonda leaning in the kitchen door with her arms folded. "Is there a problem with that?" she smiled. Roddy knew that smile. He'd seen it on Ruby countless times. It usually meant one thing. And on her mother, it probably meant the same thing as well. "Eh, heh heh, none at all, Ms. R.," he answered weakly. "I forgot she was here," Nigel noted, amazed that Rhonda's presence could completely slip his mind. "You hang around here long enough, you _never_ forget it," Roddy whispered conspiratorially. "_What_ was that?" "_Nothing_, Ms. R.," Roddy and Nigel chorused. "Just making sure, boys. Try not to throttle each other, okay?" Rhonda said cheerfully, as she went into the kitchen. "We will," Nigel called back. "That's 'We _won't_,' you twit!" Roddy corrected him. "Okay, but only if you insist..." Nige then turned his attention to Rhubella. "Ruby, I think you can come out now..." Ruby reluctantly emerged from her hiding spot. "Well, okay... hi, Roderick..." "Um, hi, babe... what _is_ he doing here?" "Look, tell you what," Nigel said. "You two've got a big date tonight, so while she's getting ready, how 'bout you and I sit down and have a chat about the vagaries of football, Roddy?" "Um... okay..." As Ruby scampered up the stairs to change into something a little more apropos for Milleway's, Roderick sat down and listened intently while Nigel recapped what he had learned from both RuBarb and Ruby. "... And there you have it in a nutshell, so to speak. 'Ave you any idea _why_ Mr. Purrenstein might want the game to end up tied, Roddo?" "None at all, and I thought I told you never to call me that!" he hissed. "Okay, okay, don't get upset, old bean..." "Mind you," Roddy considered, allowing a wicked smile to cross his face, "if I knew what he had in mind, I wouldn't be immune to the idea, Carrotte..." "You _can't_ be serious, Roderick! As much as you dislike Acme Loo, I hardly think you'd want to play at anything less than your full abilities... whatever _those_ are..." "Ordinarily, I'd agree with you, but then again, consider the outcomes... well, two of them, anyway..." "I _have_, old man, and it's not knowing what the third one is that has me so confused, not to mention what Mr. Purrenstein's stake in all of this is. Ah well, I suppose we shall find out on game day, eh?" "Perhaps, Carrotte, perhaps..." Their conversation was interrupted by a whistle from the top of the stairs. "Well, what do you think?" Ruby asked, wearing an elegant, form- fitting robin's egg blue dress, which elicited appreciative whistles from both Roddy and Nigel, before Nigel suddenly remembered whom he was sitting next to! "Ooops!" he grimaced, cringing. "Sorry, Roddy!" "I'll ignore it this time," Roderick said, much to Nige's relief. "Thanks, old boy! Spoken like a gentleman..." "I can be magnanimous when I want to..." "That's as may be," Nigel concurred, "but I'm not so sure about RuBarb. We just made up, and I don't feel up to another session of slice and dice from her." Roderick couldn't help but double over in howls of derisive laughter when he heard that. "Something striking you as amusing, old fellow?" Nigel inquired pleasantly. "Not as such," Roddy gloated confidentially. "It's only that I thought I was the only one around here with girl trouble." He slapped Nigel on the back as if the two of them were sharing a joke in an Irish pub. "That's rich! Hoo boy, I'm so glad I'm not the only one!" "Well," Nigel noted with some bemusement, appreciating the irony of it all, "when you put it like that, I'm glad my mixed-up love life offers you some amusement in your old age!" And the albino joined his adversary in a round of laughs, before straightening up suddenly with a puzzled expression on his face. "Hang about! What am _I_ laughing at?" -0- The cheerleading squad, having practiced like mad for the last few weeks, were making their way out of the locker room, through the tunnel that led to the Acme Loo Stadium. As Ruby was almost through the exit, she heard somebody whispering her name. She thought she recognized the voice, but wasn't quite sure. "You go on ahead, I'll catch up," she told the squad, then looked around the tunnel cautiously. "Hello?" "Ruby... over here..." a female voice whispered uncertainly, as a white feathered hand beckoned her to come nearer. Ruby recognized its owner immediately. "All right, Margot, I'm here. Whaddaya want?... And it better be important," she added impatiently. "Why aren't you with the rest of your squad?" Margot Mallard, Ruby's former best friend at Perfecto, could only look down at the ground. "Aren't you going to ask me if I'm alone?" "That thought _had_ occurred to me, yeah," Ruby noted dourly. The last thing she needed right now was a reprise of the ambush by Margot and her cronies that had sealed the rift in their former friendship. "Well, don't worry. I'm alone," Margot quietly reassured her. Ruby still didn't know whether to trust her or not, but decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. "After this, I'll probably be even _more_ so..." "Oh? Meaning what?" Margot heaved a deep sigh, and looked Ruby in the eyes. "Ruby, you remember... well, what we did to you..." "How could I forget?" Ruby muttered sarcastically. "Make your point!" "Well... you _know_ it wasn't my idea!" Margot blurted out. "I didn't _want_ to do it..." "Yeah, when you were using my head for batting practice, I could _tell_ your heart just wasn't in it... go on..." "He... he _made_ me do it, I swear!" Ruby's ears perked up. "'He'? You mean ROD..." "No, Roddy had nothing to do with it!" Margot broke down in sobs. "It... it was Danforth!" "DANFORTH?!?" Ruby shrieked, loudly enough to echo throughout the tunnel. "I _knew_ there was something I never liked about that duck!" Ruby's eyes were blazing red now. "And did he talk you into trashing my mom's house, too?" "No, I had nothing to do with that," Margot confessed. "He and some guys from the football team did that themselves." "I just don't get it," Ruby fumed, trying to find a reason for all of it. "Why?" "He... he said if I didn't, he'd break up with me..." "So he's a Neanderthal AND an idiot!" Ruby was livid now. "But I still don't understand why he felt he had to take it out on me!" "Oh, come _on_, Ruby! Have you forgotten... 'the code'?" Margot reminded her. A blank look briefly came over Ruby, before the realization of what Margot meant occurred to her. "'The... code?'... oh yeah, I forgot..." Now it was Margot's turn to look blank. "You _forgot_?" she asked incredulously. "How could you forget? YOU'RE the one who thought it up in the first place!" "Oh." Ruby paused in mid-thought. "Well, I didn't expect anybody to take it _literally_!" "Look, Ruby, you and I _both_ knew it was never meant to be more than an empty threat to keep the new students in line, but Danforth..." "I'm beginning to get the picture," Ruby seethed. "But how on earth could he _possibly_ think it was meant to be taken seriously?" Margot thought for a split second before answering. "Who knows? Boys are _nuts_!" "You can say _that_ again!" Ruby agreed, then shot Margot one of _those_ looks. "But don't, okay?" "Oh... okay..." the mallard sniffed. "You... you won't tell Roddy, will you?" "I... I don't know, Margot," Ruby answered quietly. "What would _you_ do?" After giving it a couple of seconds of thought, Margot sighed, "Probably the same thing _you'll_ do," and turned to go. "Whatever _that_ is," Ruby concurred to herself. Then, before Margot was almost out of sight, the rat said, "Hey, Margot?" The duckette stopped briefly, turning around only slightly. "What?" she asked morosely. "Thanks for finally levelling with me." "Whatever..." Margot returned to Ruby, tentatively. "Um... does this mean I'm off the hook with you now?" "Almost," Ruby conceded. "But one more thing..." "Yeah?" Margot asked. "What?" "This..." Ruby replied casually, before belting the duckette with a right cross that sent her bouncing off the tunnel ceiling and landing with an unmelodious thud, and sporting a black eye! As Margot got up, she dizzily asked, "Why'd you do _that_?!?" Ruby smirked sarcastically. "Next time I want a bad haircut, I'll go to Fantastic Sham's, _capice_?" "Point taken," Margot answered, shaking off the grogginess, and the black eye. Dusting herself off, she added, "Hey, Ruby...", then stopped, said "Um... never mind..." and retreated while she still had a shred of dignity left. "'Sokay," Ruby muttered quietly, smiling. After all they'd been through together, as friends and as enemies, she thought it was best to leave it at that for now. As she made her way to the exit, a wicked grin crossed her features. "And _now_..." she mused, "for _Danforth_!" -0- Nigel had gone over the strategy with the team to the last detail before the game, and every one understood what they had to do. This, in itself, was a minor miracle. However, he still seemed a bit hesitant to mention something important, and wouldn't you know, it _would_ be Plucky who would pick up on it. "Say, Nigel, isn't there something you forgot to tell us?" "You catch on fast, Plucky," Nige sighed bitterly. "All right, team, listen up!" And with that, he relayed to the last detail his run-in with Harry Purrenstein. Bugs walked in just as he was finishing up. "And so that's all there is to it, mates." "Eh, no dere ain't, Nigel," Bugs corrected him. "What do you mean, Coach?" "Harry filled me in on da whole story. It's true he made ya dat offer, but only 'cos he wanted to test yer integrity. And he t'inks ya passed wit' flyin' colors. And so do I." Nigel smiled. "Well, thanks for the vote of confidence. That makes me feel a little better." Bugs added mysteriously, "An' dere _is_ a reason he suggested playin' to a tie, by da way..." "Well, dadgummit, what the heck IS it?!?" Fowlmouth exploded. "Oh, he wouldn't tell me _dat_ part," Bugs acknowledged. "Still sounds slightly criminal to me," Eric muttered, as the huge form of Harry Purrenstein, dressed in a khaki overcoat and hat, entered the locker room. "Not at all, young man, not at all," the big cat smiled. "I hasten to assure you all I have only the best motives at heart..." "Well, you better see a dadgum DOCTOR, then, 'cos somethin's cloggin' up your _arteries_!" Fowlmouth snapped at him. "Please, let me explain," Harry said calmly. And as the Acme Loo team listened, he did just that. Nigel responded, "Yes, yes, I knew about the bit with Bobbo and Monty..." As the team cast doubtful looks at their leader, he added, "...but only because Rhubella told me. But for the love of Be Bop Deluxe, would you _please_ explain what would happen if we tie?!?" The albino was clearly becoming agitated. "Settle down, Lord Carrotte," Bugs admonished him politely. The other players gazed at him with mouths so wide they would make a mason jar jealous. "_Lord_ Carrotte?!?" they asked incredulously. "Okay, okay, so my father's bleedin' royalty, can we talk about all that some other time?" The rational voice of Harry Purrenstein interrupted him. "Easy, young man. When you get agitated, mistakes happen." Nigel looked at him curiously. "It's as true in the business world as it is in sports." Nigel couldn't argue against logic like that. Quietly, he took a few deep breaths and finally calmed down. "You're... you're absolutely right, sir. Sorry I flew off the handle like that..." "No apology is necessary, young man. Now, here's what happens if you should tie..." he whispered, and the rest of the team had to lean in close to hear him as he divulged his plan. Their eyes grew wide, and, one by one, wicked grins started crossing their faces. "Oh, now _that's_ what I'd call poetic justice!" Plucky laughed. "Oh, man, I'd _never_ have thought of that!" "That's why you're there, and he's... wherever he is," Eric noted. "Boston," Harry corrected him. "I don't know," Hamton said worriedly. "It still seems like cheating to me..." "Well, yeah, it does," Bugs noted. "Couldn't dere be any udder way to do dis, Doc?" "If there is, Bugs, it's completely escaped my attention. And as my daughter will tell you, _that_ doesn't happen very often!" "So she's told me," Nigel blurted out, to the snickers of the rest of the team, and a confused look from Mr. Purrenstein. "How's that again?" "Oh... er... nothing, sir..." "You know, Nige," Plucky piped up, coming to Nige's rescue, "there _would_ be a little bit of entertainment value in playing to a tie..." Nigel looked at the duck curiously, and he continued. "Namely, getting to see Roddy froth at the mouth in frustration..." As the others in the room laughed at the idea, Nigel appeared hesitant. "Only one problem, mates... I already told him..." The speed at which the laughing stopped, to be replaced by crickets chirping, was incredible. "Mind you, I didn't tell him about the rest of Mr. Purrenstein's plan, but only 'cos I didn't know it at the time..." An icy silence continued to fill the locker room, until it was broken by Bugs. "Well, den, youse'll just have ta play like a _real_ football team," he said quietly, before adding with a wink, "... an' tie 'em when dey ain't lookin'..." "HUH?!?" "Look, I'll be da foist to admit I got no love lost for Perfecto, but if dis keeps it outta Bobbo _and_ Monty's greedy mitts, I'm all for it! Besides, dere ain't nuttin' in da Toon Football rulebook dat says ya _can't_ play to a tie on poipose, hee hee hee..." "Dere ain't?... I mean, there isn't?" Nigel asked, startled. "Not a t'ing," Bugs reassured him. "Now, what's say youse go out dere an', er, 'tie one on', hee hee hee?" His confidence fully restored, Nigel turned to the others. "Well, blokes, you heard him... LET'S DO IT!!" -0- As the Acme and Perfecto teams took to the field and shook hands, making sure to count their fingers afterward, their respective quarterbacks scanned the stands. "You see him, Roderick?" "Nope. I see Bobbo and Monty, but not Purrenstein. Howabout you, Carrotte?" "Not a square foot of 'im..." he lied. "You'd think he'd have bothered to show up..." "If Rue gave 'im a good tongue lashing, I'd kind of doubt it. Well, time to get on with it, may the best rat win, and all that." "Don't kid yourself, Carrotte," Roddy sneered. "Oh, I suffer no delusions, Roddy, old boy!" As Nige joined the rest of the team, they could swear they heard him mutter, "I _KNOW_ we're gonna need a flippin' miracle..." In the meantime, Ruby had rejoined her fellow cheerleaders, and the other girls couldn't help but notice her expression. "All right, Ruby, what's on your mind besides 'Go, Team, Go!'?" Emily asked. Ruby relayed what she'd just learned from Margot to the other girls, who shot poison-arrow glances at the drake on the field. "And no, Roddy had no idea..." "And he still doesn't?" RuBarb asked, astonished. She was dressed like the other girls in a blue and white cheerleader outfit, which was one of her only concessions to clothes as of late (her basketball uniform being the other). "If he had, Danforth wouldn't _be_ here, trust me! Which reminds me, Rue, have you...?" "No, I haven't seen Father at all," she shrugged. "If he's here, he's remaining _extremely_ well-hidden! Just as well. I've got a few things to say to him about trying to interfere with the game," she added contemptuously. "A _tie_, indeed!" Robin grinned, "Nothing like familial hostility. So, I guess this pretty much puts the kibosh on your plans to save Perfecto, doesn't it, Rhubella?" "I don't know, Robin... look, girls, let's just concentrate on our cheers. I'll worry about that _other_ thing when the time comes, all right?" "Okay..." On the other side of the field, while the Acme girls were (to use the sort of phrase that would upset any feminist) shaking their pom- poms, the Perfecto cheerleaders were lying about on lawn chairs, each one hoisting a tall glass of punch and uttering the deathless chant, "Perfecto... rah." And in the stands, Bobbo Acme turned to Montana Max, who was seated to his left. "Well, Maxamillian, by the end of the day, dear old Perfecto will be a vague memory, nothing more." "If you say so, Bobbo," yawned Monty, as if he knew something Acme didn't. Which he did. "By the way, you _did_ bring the mortgage, didn't you?" Monty grinned wickedly and patted his jacket, which contained the mortgage papers in a sealed envelope.. "Got it right here, Bobbo!" "Good! I'd hate for anything unforeseen to happen to it!" Monty rolled his eyes surreptitiously and thought, 'It already _has_, you putz!' Then, his eyes were diverted to the coin toss on the field. "Excuse me a moment, Bobbo..." he said casually, then ran onto the field and snatched the coin before it had a chance to hit the ground. "MINE! MINE! MINE!" he yelled greedily, before both teams _and_ the referees pummeled the pemmican out of him, to his surprise. As the dust settled, and Monty lay there in a crumpled heap, Nigel picked up the coin and inspected it bemusedly. "I say, all that ruckus over a ten-pence piece..." Groggily, Monty weaved his way off the field, and bumped into what he thought was an enormous sandbag, knocking the mortgage out of his coat. In a deep voice, the supposed sandbag apologized, bent down and handed Max what he assumed was the precious envelope. By this stage, Monty was accustomed to anything happening at this crazy school, so a talking sandbag was nothing new. Besides, he was still woozy from the pummeling. As Monty made his way back to his seat, the "sandbag" chuckled. "Got it! That was like taking real estate from Trump," Harry Purrenstein laughed, ducking out of sight, and reaching for his cell phone. He had to move fast now, since time was of the essence. That, to Harry, was a hard-learned business rule; and what he was about to undertake was a business transaction unlike _any_ he had ever done before. Quickly dialing a number he'd memorized earlier, he began to put the final part of his plan into action. "Good afternoon. Have I reached the offices of Flotsam & Jetsam, Attorneys At Law? I have? Splendid..." -0- The A.L. cheerleaders were busy exhorting the fans as only they could. "Rah rah ree, kick 'em in the knee! Rah rah rass, kick 'em in the... er... other knee!" they yelled brightly. Miranda, who was sitting off to one side, rolled her eyes and buried her head in her hands. "(Sigh) That was pathetic..." "Oh? You think _you_ can do better?" Ruby asked. "Given half a chance," the mink replied cordially. On the field, Roddy and the Perfectoids had possession of the ball. "All right, Danforth, on this next play, we'll pass the ball to you. Whatever happens, don't let those Acme Loosers steamroll over you!" "Right!" Everything in that play went according to plan, except for one small detail. As Danforth received the ball, he heard a shrill horn and the sound of heavy machinery, and it was coming his way. He looked up, and was immediately flattened by a steamroller! "Oooch!" The ball popped out of Danforth's hands and into the driver's cabin. "Sorry!" Nigel yelled from the driver's seat. "Didn't see you there!" Danforth rolled up like a parchment. Roddy seethed quietly to himself. "How _dare_ that peasant do that! Well, it's still only the first quarter... would somebody retrieve that idiot Danforth before someone throws him into the trash?" The game continued to see-saw back and forth, with neither side making a whole lot of progress. Just as soon as Perfecto would score, Acme would answer back and tie it again. It was only at one point in the second quarter, in fact, that Danforth felt he had to bring to Roderick's attention something important. "What _is_ it?" Roddy asked irritably. "I just wonder if you forgot our business with the 'pretty cash,' Roddy..." Roddy turned incredibly pale, and a giant paintbrush came out of nowhere and repainted him. Hurriedly, he called a 20-second time out and dragged the drake to the Perfecto sidelines. "What? Don't tell me you _forgot_?" "No, I remembered, all right," he sighed. "And that's the problem!" "What?" "I'll explain later," he muttered angrily. "Now, we _HAVE_ to beat them!" Returning to the huddle, Roddy instructed the team, "All right, men, I want you to play like you've never played before!" To a man, each Perfectoid pulled a ukelele from behind his back and started to play, each in his own tempo and key! "I MEANT FOOTBALL!!! Oy vey!!" Roddy was very close to throwing a conniption at that point. What was worse, Nigel and the other Acmes noticed it immediately. "All right, blokes, let's go for the long bomb..." The two teams lined up, and Nigel made the snap to Plucky. As Nigel ran down the field, Roddy ran alongside him. "Oh, no, you don't, Carrotte!" he growled, moving just behind him and reaching up to catch the ball. "What, are you trying to turn this into a _real_ game?" Nigel asked, also reaching upward. Then, to their mutual surprise, the long bomb came their way. Not a football, but a _real_ long bomb! The two rats looked at each other and said, "Oh oh..." However, they forgot to put their hands back down, and it caught them up and carried them over the Acme goalpost for a touchdown, before slamming into a nearby brick wall! Nigel recovered first, sliding down to the ground in a semi- conscious state with his head ringing. "Ohhhh..." he grimaced, holding his head to stop the noise. "Now I know how that bloke in 'Lost Weekend' felt!" Looking around, he said, "Roddy? You all right? Where'd you go?" "Up here," came a weak, raspy voice from behind him. Nigel turned around to see Roddy pasted flat to the wall by the impact of the collision! "Oh! So you are, old man!" Being a gentleman, Nigel peeled Roderick off of the wall and shook him back into shape. "Thanks for breaking my impact, Roddy!" "Don't mention it," Roddy growled dizzily, still trying to get his bearings. "Whose idea was that last joke, anyway? I'd like to break _his_ impact!" "You and me both," Nigel agreed, as they raced back towards the field. -0- As the fourth quarter wound down, incredible as it seemed to the casual observer, the game ended up in another tie. "Well, now what?" Nigel asked, as the teams wearily made their way to their respective sidelines. "Overtime," Eric said. "How many?" "Just one." "Thanks." Meanwhile, the Acme cheerleaders were also running out of steam. "Oh, man, I _knew_ we should have put in more rehearsal time," Ruby moaned. "I'm pooped..." "Come on, Ruby," Lola tried encouraging her. "It's only one more quarter..." "I'm sorry, Lola," the rat replied, falling back, exhausted. "I can't do it. Get somebody else..." "We haven't _got_ anyone else," Rue countered, just before a quiet voice from the sidelines broke in. "Oh, yes, you have. Help me out of this chair," Miranda ordered. "I've been wanting to try this for _weeks_..." Robin and Lizzie rushed to help her stand. "Now what do we do?" Robin asked. Miranda, using her tail to help her balance, replied simply, "Give me room." The girls gave her all the room she needed. Taking a deep breath, she whispered, "Here goes nothing..." and, closing her eyes tightly, went into a rapid spin-change. When she came out of it, the little mink was dressed in an eye-catching Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders outfit! Ruby sat up, her eyes wide. "Hey, whaddaya know, she _DID_ it!!" Miranda gave a cue to the A. L. band. "Hit it!" They did exactly that, as Miranda moved and strutted like a combination Paula Abdul/ Janet Jackson! The Acme girls were quick to pick up on her moves, and put on a mini-show that brought the crowd to its feet. As the whistle blew to signal the start of overtime, Miranda bowed politely, then spun again to her regular self and sat back down in her wheelchair before she collapsed. "Mink? You okay?" Ruby asked. "Never felt better in my life," Miranda smiled. "But that outfit _was_ a bit drafty..." "You won't hear _me_ complaining, luv," Leo noted. "Tell you what... _you_ can wear it next time!" Leo's time spent mulling over that mental picture was about as brief as Miranda's cheerleading outfit. "Noooooooooooooooooo, thank you!" Meanwhile, Rue grabbed Nigel by the arm. "Rue, what is it? We've got to get back to the debacle..." "I know, Nige, but there's something I need to tell you..." "And it can't wait, eh? Okay, but hurry!" Rue told him as fast and clearly as she could, and his eyes grew to the size of saucers. "Where did you hear _this_?" "From Ruby..." "And where did _she_ hear it?" "From Margot!" "Is this true, Rhubella?" Ruby nodded. "This _does_ put a different spin on things, doesn't it?" Nigel said through clenched teeth. On the other side of the field, Roddy saw Nige talking to Ruby, and saw red. "I _KNEW_ it!" he yelled. "That two-timing four-flusher is LUNCHMEAT!!!" The outcome of the game no longer meant anything to him. He wanted to pulverize Nigel in the worst way, and probably would. As they returned to the field, Roddy and Nigel eyed each other. "All right, you, I've been a nice bloke up 'til now, but enough is too much!" Roddy seethed. Nigel eyed his opponent calmly and asked, "This doesn't have anything to do with the game, does it, Roddo?" "Did I just see you talking to my girl?" "Who, Ruby? Yes, you did. In case it's escaped your attention, Roddy, Rhubella and I _are_ classmates! We talk to each other all the time! Why should I lie to you about a thing like that?" "At least you were honest in your last moments on earth..." "Which is more than I can say for your pal, Danforth..." "What are you talking about, Carrotte?" The whistle to start play interrupted them. "Sorry. Have to wait," Nigel shrugged. "I've got a game to win!" "So do I!" Roddy yelled, just before the two teams pounded each other into the grass. As they lined up for the next play, Roddy yelled, "What were you saying about Danforth?" "Call a time out and I'll tell you!" "Oh, no you don't! It's a trick!" "All right, then, _I'll_ do it!" And Nigel signalled for a 20- second time out. "Get Ruby to tell you who vandalised her house and got Margot to beat her up!" he yelled, looking straight at Danforth. If he thought that would get Roddy's attention, he was right. Roddy glared at his cohort, foaming at the mouth. "_DANFORTH_!!!" he yelled. Danforth didn't know whether to stand still, or take off running. Either way, it wouldn't matter. The jig was up. "Eh heh," he said weakly, cringing. "Would you believe 'administrative error'?" The fierce pounding Roddy gave him told him that, no, he wouldn't believe it. Plucky nudged Nigel. "What did I tell you?" "Duck, I owe you a _world_ of apologies! You were right. Seeing Roddy foam at the mouth has _great_ entertainment value!" he chortled. On the sidelines, the Acme cheerleaders, Ruby included, added their own commentary, complete with choreography. "Hit 'im again! Hit 'im again! Harder! Harder!" From her wheelchair, Miranda shouted, "RIP HIS _GUTS_ OUT!" The girls looked at her as if she were psychotic. "Mink?" Ruby asked wearily. "What?" "We don't yell for people to rip folks' guts out, no matter how much they've got it coming!" "We don't?" "NO!" "Oh." She looked sheepish for a couple of seconds, before asking brightly, "Can we abbreviate his appendix?" "NO!!!" "You people are no fun..." Miranda grumbled. "But... OW!... Roddy, what about... OW!!... the game?... OOOCH!!!" Danforth asked as Roderick continued to thrash him into the playing field. "I don't _give_ a rat's... patootie about the game!" Roddy yelled, stuffing the ball into Danforth's mouth and kicking him over the goalpost. Which, of course, brought the game right back into another tie. Unfortunately, Roddy wasted so much time rearranging Danforth's anatomy, that he didn't even notice how close he was to the end of overtime; and when he _did_, it was far too late. As the referee blew the whistle, Roddy looked up to see the scoreboard clock winding down to "0", and went limp. And up in the stands, Bobbo and Monty were mad as hornets. "Why, that _incompetent_ cheese eater!" Bobbo snarled. "He double-crossed me!" "You?!? He double-crossed me, too!" Monty snarled back, little realizing what he'd just said, or whom he was saying it to. Bobbo did a quick double-take. "Exactly _what_ are you talking about, you little weasel? Did you do something behind my back?" "I'm afraid he did," came a third voice, as a large shadow cast itself across them both. Bobbo and Monty looked up to see who it was casting that shadow. "Hello, Bobbo, you old horse thief!" "Harold Purrington!" Bobbo gasped. "I never thought _you'd_ come back to Acme Acres!" "Who?" Monty asked, confused. "Actually, the name's Purrenstein," Harry corrected him. "Your little partner in crime had the mortgage rewritten so that if Perfecto won, _he'd_ wind up getting it, not that that matters now..." "How would you... know?" Monty spluttered; then, faintly remembering his collision with the giant sandbag, frantically reached for the envelope in his pocket. Tearing it open, he turned white as a sheet as he gazed at the owner's manual for a 1952 Acme washing machine! "What... what's going on here?" "Simple," Harry explained pleasantly. "While you two morons were each planning a hostile takeover of Perfecto, _I_ staged a takeover of my own, you might say. When you weren't looking, I had a little codicil added to the mortgage, which states that if the game ends in a tie, Perfecto Prep gets turned over to _me_!" He produced the papers in question and held them up for the two to see. "As they say in the onion-peeling department, read 'em and weep, boys!" "I think I'm going to be ill," Bobbo groaned. "You can't DO that!" Max shouted. "It isn't legal!" "Oh yes it is, Monty," Harry grinned maliciously. "The lawyers you used to fiddle with the mortgage? I also bought them off of you while I was at it!" Monty turned a whiter shade of pale. "You mean Flotsam and Jetsam..." "... now work exclusively for me, yes!" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!" Monty screamed. How in the world could he have overlooked the possibility of something like _that_ happening? "I... I'll see you in _court_, Harry!" Bobbo shouted angrily. "Oh, I don't think you _will_, Bobbo," Harry replied confidently. "Not if you don't want the FTC to get wind of your business dealings..." "You wouldn't dare..." Bobbo hissed. "Just try me," Harry hissed back. "I _still_ haven't had lunch yet..." he added, grinning. "(Gulp!) On second thought, what do I need with a white elephant like Perfecto, anyway?" Bobbo asked nervously. "You can have it! I have another appointment, anyway..." The speed at which Bobbo took off running had to be seen to be believed. Harry turned to Monty. "And _you_..." Monty didn't wait around to hear whatever it was Harry had to say. He was too busy trying to catch up with Bobbo! The big cat roared with laughter, before turning to Rhubella. "Here, young lady," he said, handing her the mortgage papers! "I believe this belongs to _you_ now!" "Wha-- ME?!? But... but I'm still a teenager! I wouldn't know what to _do_ with a whole _school_!" "Then you're no different from the last people who had it," Harry grinned. "Whatever you decide to do with Perfecto is totally up to you, Rhubella." "Great," Ruby muttered sarcastically. "Just one _more_ life choice I'm totally ill-prepared for..." -0- As Harry made his way out of the stadium, Bugs discussed the outcome of the day's events with him. "Eh, tell me, Doc, did ya _know_ da game would end up tied?" "Oh, good heavens, _no_, Bugs! Nobody could have predicted an outcome like that one, not even me!" Harry paused and smiled. "Ruby seems like a good girl. She'll know the right thing to do with Perfecto, that much I'm sure of!" "Eh, I hope you're right, Doc. So, you stickin' around long?" "Well, I _do_ have to see my daughter, at least," the big cat acknowledged. "I haven't had a chance to do _that_ since I arrived here!" Bugs grinned as he spotted Rue approaching them. "Well, now's yer opportunity, Doc!" Harry was almost taken by surprise as RuBarb ran up to him and hugged him. "I... I missed you too, Princess," he said quietly. Bugs turned around and headed back to his office. Anything he would have said at this point would be superfluous, anyway. "Let me look at you... um, would you like an overcoat?" "No thanks, Father," Rue grinned. "I'm more comfortable this way..." "If you say so..." he sighed, wondering what it was with her and her rebellious streak. "So, have you got a boyfriend?" "Yes, I do," Rue smiled, seeing Nigel approaching her. "Oh, there he is, now! Nigel!!" Harry's face drooped. "Nigel? Nigel... Carrotte?!?" "Oh, you met him already?" "Yes, we've met," Harry replied, with all the forced pleasantness of a father who disapproves of his daughter's choice of paramour, but is powerless to stem the course of true love. "You don't like him, do you?" "Well, dear, it's... just... aren't there any other _cats_ at this school?" RuBarb pointed in the direction of Furrball, who was being chased by every dog in Acme Acres at that moment. "Forget I asked, okay?" "Okay," RuBarb replied, laughing. Nigel ran up to her, hugging her tightly. "Hey, great game there, Mr. Football!" "Thank you," Nigel responded. "Give me a few more years, an' I might actually get the hang of it!" "Oh, Nigel, have you met my father already?" She pointed in Harry's direction. Nigel immediately released RuBarb and stepped a respectful distance away from her. "Oh, yes... sorry 'bout referring to you as a poor excuse for an overstuffed spiv, sir..." "Think nothing of it, young man. I've been called much worse..." "Like what?... I mean, I can't imagine what..." RuBarb broke up laughing. "Nigel, you're talking stupid again..." "Oh, dear..." As Rue planted another one on him, they could have sworn they heard Harry elicit a quick comment on their relationship - something to the effect of "EUGGGGH!" Rue released her grip on the albino, who fumbled for anything to say at that moment while her father looked on disapprovingly. Luckily for him, Lizzie and Lionel came by at precisely that moment. "Say, Nige, 'ave you forgotten we're s'posed to play at Weenie Burgers tonight?" Liz asked cheerfully. "Unless you'd like to hear how Leo and I sound as a _duo_..." "REALP!" Nige exclaimed. "I forgot all about that!" "Good thing _we_ didn't," Leo chided him, dragging his brother away by the tail. "Say 'Goodbye, RuBarb!'" "Goodbye, RuBarb," the kitten ventured. "You can let go now, brother," Nigel said sourly when the trio were well away from the Purrensteins. "Gladly!" Lionel smirked, releasing Nigel's appendage and flinging it over the rat's shoulder. Lizzie didn't miss a beat. "And thereby hangs a tail," she beamed. The Carrotte Brothers looked at each other and winced. "Oh, _no!_" they whined. -0- Roddy sat back in his Perfecto office, even more miserable than he'd been before. Danforth stood at a distance, not daring to approach him. "Go ahead, Roddy, say it..." "I can't, my fists are swollen," he remarked sullenly. "Anyway, the damage is done. What was I _thinking_, betting all our petty cash on the game like that?" "I don't know, either," Danforth sighed. "Well, at least I'll never gamble again!" "Me neither," Roddy agreed. After a protracted silence, he added, "After what you did to Ruby, you should be lucky I'm still talking to you." "I know, Roddy, and I'm sorry, really. How was _I_ to know that the girls never meant their stupid 'code' to be taken seriously?" The figure at the door answered for him. "The _least_ you could have done was _ask_, you idiot! Oh, hello, Roddy," Ruby said. "Hi, Babe... or should I say, Boss?" Roddy sulked in his chair, not even daring to look up. "Well, I guess we have to make all the mortgage payments to _you_, now..." "I didn't keep it..." "Well, that's fine for... wha?" "Like I told Mr. Purrenstein, I wouldn't know what to do with a school!" Ruby said. "So, I had to give it up." "To whom?" "I turned the property back over to the state, of course! Mind you, it would've been tempting to own Perfecto, but I'm not ready for all that responsibility. By the way, you've _got_ to tell me sometime just how Bobbo managed to get his paws on the mortgage..." "Ruby, believe me, even _I'm_ not sure how he pulled that off!" Roddy shrugged. "But we're still broke..." "Roderick," Ruby said, cozying up to him, "there are some lessons in life you just have to take, and hope you learn from them, that's all." "And is this one of them?" "It's a possibility," Ruby replied. "Cheer up! At least Bobbo and Monty will never be able to get their hands on Perfecto again." As Roddy looked at her quizzically, she explained, "Just before I turned the papers over to the proper authorities, I had Harry's lawyers add a little something to that effect." "Oh... but we're _still_ broke!" "Everything's always about _money_ with you, isn't it, Roddy?" Ruby noted with a wry smile. "You really _have_ changed, haven't you?" "Oh, did I?" Ruby answered innocently. "I hadn't noticed... So, you wanna come to the dance tonight or not?" "Huh? What dance?" "Well, the Bloomin' Loonies have been asked to play at Weenie Burgers tonight. Sort of a warm-up for the Acme Loo dance next month..." "Hmph. Weenie Burgers. That sounds about right for that bunch," Roddy snorted derisively, then reconsidered. "On the other hand, I suppose I _could_ use a night away from here..." "Exactly," Ruby smiled. "Come on, the change'll do you good." She leaned closer to him. "Besides, you'll get to spend the whole night with me..." she suggested temptingly. Roddy fudged for a few more seconds, then leaped from his chair. "Why not?" he grinned. "Come on, baby, let's show those Acme Loo-sers how to cut a rug." "Aren't you going to sulk about the game?" "What for? So we tied. Big deal. Anyway, there's _still_ the Acme Bowl!" 'Here we go again,' Danforth thought... -0- =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Story (C) 1998, 1999 by Jennifer Cleckley & Jerry D. Withers. Verson 1.1 (Revised) (C) February 4, 2000 by same. Version 1.2 (Revised and Conquered) (C) April 22, 2000, also by same. All rights reserved. All TINY TOON ADVENTURES characters, related indicia, etc. are (C) 1990-1999 Warner Bros. Animation/Amblin Entertainment, and all LOONEY TUNES characters, etc. are (C) 1999 Warner Bros. Animation, and (as usual) are used without permission, but with a whole lotta love, respect, and a whooooooole lotta lumps! The Bloomin' Loonies (Leo, Liz and Nigel Carrotte) are created by Jennifer Cleckley (C) 1998. RuBarb, Miranda, Rhonda Rat and Harold Purrenstein are created by Jerry D. Withers (C) 1997, 1998. Emily Bunny created by KeV Beeley (C) 1996. Eric Bunny created by KeV Beeley and Dennis Falk (C) 1996. Robin Rabbit created by Colin Feder (C) 1997. The following songs, as well, were also quoted without permission: *"Cum On Feel The Noize" (Neville Holder/James Lea), originally recorded by SLADE on their album SLAYED? (C)(P) 1973 Barn Publishing (Slade) Ltd. (Polydor Records Ltd. (UK)) *"When It Hurts You" (Georg Kajanus), orig. rec. by SAILOR on their album "Hideaway" (C)(P) 1978 Sashay Music (Epic Records/Sony Music (UK)) Special thanks to Zachary A. Zukowlski again, this time for coming up with the original "Barnabas Acme" concept. "THE BLOOMIN' LOONIES" has been a Rottin-Furr Production. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=