"GO CHASE YOUR TAIL..." by Jerry D. Withers (Furrball T. Cat) (jwithers@tcfn.org) -0- Calamity Coyote was walking around the Acme Loo campus with his nose buried in a book, as usual (in this case, "Quantum Physics For The Junior Scientist In Us All" by (the late) Dr. Wilhelm Kablammo, D.O.A. It was that authorship credit that *really* worried Calamity.) He was just getting to the good part, something to do with how to tell nitro-glycerin from creme soda, when he heard it. *BEEP BEEP!* Before he had time to react, Little Beeper had run right over him. As usual. Calamity lay face down on the sidewalk, his _face_ buried in the book. Groggily, he pushed himself up off the ground. That's when it happened again. *BEEP BEEP!* Beeper ran over him the other way this time. Calamity was now buried _completely_ in the book, which was now closed. Slowly, one arm materialized from inside it, flipped the book open and (after leafing through it) turned to the proper page. With all the strength he could muster, the unfortunate coyote pushed himself out of the book. That's when it happened yet again. *BEEP BEEP!* This time a bookmobile came out of nowhere and ran roughshod over him. That did it. Now he was steamed. Now he was *mad* Now he was also flatter than a pitcher of stale tea. -0- Hidden behind some convenient shrubbery, Calamity laughed to himself as he hoisted a heavy weapon of mass destruction on his shoulder. The only other sound emanated from a wristwatch TV he was wearing. A perky young brunette woman with a bicycle horn was speaking. "...And we'd like to give a toot (here she squeezed the horn a couple of times)... *TOOT! TOOT!*... to Calamity Coyote for ordering item #34680-X, the ACME Little Wallop Thermonuclear Device, guaranteed to turn roadrunners and half the surrounding neighborhood into an unrecognizable mess that glows in the dark! From ACME, for over fifty years, the leader in creative mayhem!" Calamity struggled to keep the thing balanced on his shoulder. The darn thing was heavier than he thought it was. From out of his peripheral vision, he saw Little Beeper running down the block and headed right into the line of fire. Any second now, that bird would be toast. Of course, he wouldn't be able to eat him for fifty-five years, but that wasn't important. He could wait. The little coyote looked through the viewfinder, focused... and to his surprise, Beeper was standing in front of him! The bird held up a card for Calamity to read: "YOUR SHOELACES ARE UNTIED!" Then he sped away. Calamity blinked and looked down. That's when he dropped the device. That's when he gave the camera an "Oh, no!" take. *BOOM!!!* That's when he crumbled into a pile of dust. The heck of it was, his shoes had Velcro fasteners. -0- If this were real life, our story would end here and now. Fortunately, as it _was_ only a cartoon, Calamity (after being briefly decontaminated by a team of government experts) was right back at it in a matter of seconds, after giving thanks to whatever Supreme Being was up there that this *was* a cartoon. He was now perched in a tree, wearing a small helicopter backpack. The voice of the ACME spokeswoman chirped cheerfully, and annoyingly, from his wrist TV. "And once again, we'd like to give a toot (*TOOT! TOOT!*) to Calamity Coyote, this time for ordering item #237899-G, the ACME Jet Powered Helipack! Keep 'em flying, Ace! From ACME, the name you can trust!" Calamity frowned. This woman was starting to get on his nerves. He brought a pair of binoculars to his eyes and scouted the area for any sign of Beeper. He found him in front of the ACME Mirror Emporium, gazing admiringly at his own reflection. Calamity gave an evil chortle and fired up the helipack. The jet thrusters immediately flipped him off his perch in an arc headed halfway down the tree and backwards. The helicopter rotors sliced neatly through the tree halfway in a downward slant at a 45-degree angle before slamming him on the ground. Unsteadily at first, he reeled back and shook off the cobwebs just as a shadow started to cover him. He gave another of _those_ looks and held up a tiny parasol. To his surprise, the tree stopped falling! Calamity couldn't believe it. Carefully -- *VERY* carefully -- he crawled out from under the shadow until he was a safe distance away, and then stared at the tree, cut clean through at a downward 45-degree angle, the top half now fallen at a straight 90-degree angle, suspended in mid-air, defying each and every known law of cartoon gravity. The coyote shook his head, whistled a happy tune, and went merrily on his way. -0- "And another toot (*TOOT! TOOT!*) to Calamity Coyote for ordering item #293478-H, the ACME Giant Economy Size Road Runner Motel! From ACME, where alum is our most important product!" So went the spokeswoman's spiel as Calamity struggled with the huge crate that had just arrived on his feet, thanks to a careless delivery person. Mumbling incoherently, he pulled out a crowbar and immediately unpacked the latest order for a closer inspection. He had to admire the ingenuity behind this one. A huge cardboard box with one end opened, inside of which the bottom was covered with ACME Extra-Strength Glue. Once inside, *nothing* could get unstuck... not even Beeper. And the beauty of it was, there were no moving parts. This was *one* ACME product that couldn't POSSIBLY turn on its purchaser! He placed the box on the sidewalk, set up the arrows that promised a dish of free ACME Bird Seed inside, and hid behind a tree to await the capture. He'd only been there a few seconds when he heard the hated *BEEP! BEEP!* He peered from behind the tree to see what was happening. Little Beeper was reading the signs which promised all the birdseed he could eat inside. He beeped again, dashed inside, ate the birdseed, and dashed out again! Calamity was _furious_! Angrily he dashed inside the box, stomped around the pellets on the floor... 'Wait a minute,' he thought. 'Pellets?!?' He quickly dashed back out and rummaged through the crate. It took a bit of time, but he finally found the instruction manual. It only figured that ACME would have an instruction manual for something as relatively simple as this! He pored over the manual until he found the following notice: "NOTICE: In order to avoid problems unpacking the Road Runner Motel, the ACME Extra-Strength Glue (included) is shipped in pellet form. To activate, just add water." He rummaged around further in the crate and discovered a watering can, filled it to the brim, and dashed back inside the box. If it didn't work at first, there was always a second time, right? Slowly he poured out the water on the floor of the box, and magically the pellets started melting into the stickiest adhesive the world had ever known. Calamity had almost emptied the can when he realized what he was doing. With a defeated look on his face, he held up an illuminated sign which read, "IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT'S SANE, WHY DIDN'T YOU PEOPLE *STOP* ME?!?" No doubt about it. He was stuck. A butterfly briefly lit on top of the box, and blissfully flew away. Without warning, first the roof, and then all the sides crashed down on the hapless coyote, squishing him even further into the glue. Half a block away, Beeper watched this curious spectacle, said "Beep! Beep!" and took off. He had only gotten five blocks away when, from out of nowhere, the top half of the tree (from the previous vignette) pummeled him into the sidewalk. -0- After being wrested from the Road Runner Motel by the same team of government experts, Calamity had finally had enough. No more of this nonsense for him. *This* time, he was going to do it right! He set about his task, studied his handiwork admiringly, and then dashed off to a safe location behind a dynamite plunger. He glanced briefly at Beeper, who was *also* behind a plunger. The bird beeped, and both he and the coyote pressed down on the plungers, which were connected to more sticks of dynamite than any toon had a right to have access to, which were arranged around the base of The ACME Corporation! *KA-BLOOIE!!!!!* When the smoke had cleared, all that was left of the place was a smoking pile of rubble, a shattered big red ACME logo, and a slightly dazed and smoking spokeswoman holding a now tattered horn. "We'd like to give one more toot (*RASP! RASP!*) to Calamity Coyote for ordering item #1-D, the ACME Jumbo Dynamite Pack, when you need to get back to good old basic obliteration! From ACME, who are now out of business! Ooooohhhhh!" Having finished her oratory, she crumbled in a heap on top of the rubble. And with *that*, Calamity and Beeper walked off into the sunset. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Story copyright (C) February 7, 2000 by Jerry D. Withers. All Rights Reserved. This is a work of fan fiction, and is not meant to be taken seriously. They're only cartoon characters, people! GET A GRIP! SHEESH!! All characters (C) 2000 Warner Bros. Animation/Amblin Entertainment, and are used without permission. I'm forced to say that. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~