"Hoops Du Jour" v1.2 by JERRY D. WITHERS (aka "Furrball T. Cat"/jwithers@tcfn.org) (NOTE: Well, Toonatics, here it is, at last; namely, the conclusion of "The Rhubella Cycle" that started with "A (slightly) Monumental Decision" and continued with "Is Breaking Up All THAT Hard To Do?". And now, for all those of you who've been chomping at the bit wondering, "What happens when Rhubella finally shows up for her first day at Acme Loo?"... well, chomp no more. Let the show begin...) PART ONE: The Return Of Mary Melody -0- Mary Melody was not herself this August afternoon. (Matter of fact, it was hard to say _who_ she was.) She didn't know why, either. Usually, she enjoyed coming to work at ACME-TV; but that was when she was still a field reporter. Ever since she was promoted to anchorwoman (she HATED the term "anchorperson"--it sounded so... generic), she had little more to do than just sit, smile, read the news and make small talk with her co-anchors. And she HATED it! She missed being where the action was, and she absolutely _loathed_ being little more than a "talking head". She graduated from Acme Loo with a degree in broadcast journalism for THIS? No, Mary was not what you would call a "happy camper" (another term she hated) when she knocked on the station manager's door. "Come in," he said cheerily. She did, less than cheerily, and sat down. "Stan?" "Yes, Mary?" "I quit." "Just like that?" She sighed. "Just like that... I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I'm not happy..." "It's not the money, is it?" "No..." "A bigger dressing room, perhaps?" "No, of course not..." Heaven forbid she should develop an ego the size of a certain silly green duck she knew. Stan listened as Mary explained the reasons for her job dissatisfaction. If nothing else, Stan was definitely a good listener. When she finished, he sighed. "But, where will you go? What will you do?" "Frankly, Stan, I don't give... never mind," Mary said, suddenly cutting herself off, as she realized the conversation was starting to sound like a snippet from "Gone With The Wind." Stan drummed his fingers on his chin (as he always did when he was thinking heavily); then he brightened. "Tell me something, Mary... if you could do anything other than TV news, what would it be?" She didn't waste a second. "Other than this? Well, I still wish I'd studied 'Toon Comedy', instead of just limiting myself to journalism..." "Well, there you go." "Huh?" "Who says you can't have it both ways, Mary? After all, your present spot is practically--and I hope you don't take this wrong--a 'no-brainer'." "That's why I hate it, Stan..." "But hear me out, Mary. Why can't you take some refresher courses in the daytime, and still do the 5:30 newscast, as well?" She considered this. It actually made sense, in a crazy sort of way. After all, she was still young, she had more than enough free time in the AM hours... and, goodness knows, the money she was making currently WAS nothing to sneeze at (or _in_, for that matter!). She brightened considerably for the first time that day. "You know, Stan, you're right! Why CAN'T I do both?" She leaned across his desk and kissed him on the cheek. "You're a genius!" He smiled. "That's why I make the big bucks, Mary..." -0- Fifi LaFume was visiting her old friends, Babs and Buster Bunny (recently married!), and as fate--or rather, routine--would have it, they were watching the 5:30 news. Not that any of them were big fans of it; after all, how many jokes could you make about the state of the world before you were either labelled a "sicko", or given your own HBO special? They didn't know, either. They just watched it to see Mary Melody, former classmate-turned-professional newscaster. "Ze news, she ees, how you say, not so hot today?" Buster said. "Big deal, neither is the carrot soup," Fifi countered. They stared at each other. "Are we reading each other's lines?" Buster asked. "Sacre bleu! Zat's what happens when we don't go to rehearsals!" Fifi responded. "Lemme see that script!" Babs growled. The voice on the TV interrupted them. "...So, Mary, I understand you'll be leaving us soon..." her co-anchor said, in that wishy-washy style that made Buster simply want to puke. He held it in, however, and they all leaned forward to hear what Mary had to say. Where would she be going? Atlanta? New York? Seattle? Euro-Dis... naaahhhhh... "Once again, not quite, Biff." Buster hated the name 'Biff' almost as much as he hated Biff's delivery. "I've decided to brush up on my education, so this fall, I'm going to go back to Acme Looniversity." Buster, Babs and Fifi leaned forward some more and fell down. When they had sufficiently recovered their wits, and brushed themselves off, they discussed what they had just heard. "Mary ees going back?" Fifi asked, half-shocked. "But why?" "I dunno," Buster shrugged, "but you heard her. She feels she needs to brush up on her education, but I'll be darned if I know why she feels that way!" "Maybe she wants to branch out; you know, study 'Toon Comedy', or something," Babs said. "She never DID get much screen time. Her biggest part was in 'Prom-ise Her Anything,' remember?" Fifi smiled. "Oui. She deed, how you say, show some promise in zat episode!" "No pun intended," Buster smiled. "But of course," Fifi replied. "Of course," Babs smiled weakly. "Say, Buster, weren't VOUS in charge of casting for..." Buster gave Fifi his most innocent look. "Not me, Feef! Anyway, you're forgetting all those hack writers we had. If Mary didn't get much exposure, it's THEIR fault!" He paused, and grinned wickedly. "Ya know, kinda like the people keeping us alive on the Net..." "Now hold on a minute, Buster Bunny!" Babs warned him. "Don't go making fun of THEM..." Buster raised a gloved hand. "Relax, Babsie, I'm only kidding..." "See that you are," she growled. Fifi mused, "I wonder how ze Pluckster would get zis story moving again..." They'd never know, for at that moment, the doorbell rang. Buster silently cursed himself for not jumping in with the line, 'On a downhill pair of skids?' and answered the door. (Or, what passed for a door... it was still a burrow, after all...) "Hi, Buster," Mary said, smiling. "Hi yourself, Mary," he replied. For somebody who was about to re-enter the uncertain fields of Wackydemia, Acme Loo style, she looked --well, glowing. Maybe it was the outside lighting. "Good to see ya," he added. "What are you talking about? I see you and Babs almost every other day," she laughed. "True, true," he admitted. "Babs and Fifi are in the living room. Come in..." "It's about time you asked me in, fella! This small talk was beginning to grate on me..." "On YOU?... Hey, guys, look who's here..." "HI-eeeeeee!" Babs and Fifi squealed, knocking poor Buster off his feet in the process. "HI-eeeeeee!" Mary squealed back. "eeEEEEeeee!" Buster said under his breath, and wandered unsteadily back to the sofa. "Deed we hear what we theenk we heard?" Fifi began. "You mean 'Ol' Blue Ears' over there going 'eeEEEEeeee!'?" Babs quipped, and the girls shot him a look that said, in so many words, 'You're dirt.' Buster crouched lower into the sofa until he practically disappeared. "I meant ze bit about Mary going to ze Loo," Fifi continued. "It's true, girls," Mary confessed. Babs put a paw on Mary's shoulder. "Mary, dear," she started, in that 'stick-in-the-mud' voice she used in 'Senserely Yours, Babs'--before yelling at the top of her lungs, "ARE YOU NUTS???" with such force that Mary's hair actually shifted to one side! From under the sofa's cushions, they could hear Buster. Muffled, to be sure, but they could definitely make out the words, "Rope it in, tie it up, tape it back!" Babs gave an embarrassed little laugh. "Sorry, Mary," she apologized, and started to readjust her friend's hair. "No, wait, Babs," Mary stopped her. "I think it might look better this way!" She fished around for her compact, and checked her reflection in the mirror, just to be sure. "No, I was wrong..." she sighed dejectedly. "Mary," Fifi said, picking up somewhere further down the track from Babs's original train of thought, "ees thees what vous really want to do?" Mary smiled. "You wouldn't be trying to talk me into changing my mind, now, would you, Fifi?" "Moi? Non; besides, eef I succeeded, we wouldn't have much of a story, no?" "So far, we don't have much of one _now_!" Babs quipped in her best Groucho imitation. "I'm stuck..." Buster said. "WHO CARES?" the girls shot back, in perfect unison. Buster could wait. _This_ was important! Babs continued the conversation. "Mar, I don't get it. You finished in the top 3% of the class in every subject. What more could they possibly teach you?" Mary shrugged. "I don't know, Babs. But I keep feeling I missed out on SOMETHING back then. Maybe if I return, I can figure out what it was..." "HEY!" Buster shouted from the sofa. All heads turned in his direction, as he threw off a cushion and emerged with a CD. "I _wondered_ where my copy of 'Motor Cycle' had gotten to!" He opened it up, and sighed ecstatically. "It's a miracle it's not broken. You can't GET this album anymore!" He popped the disc into his Walktoon, and left the room singing along with the title track. "Going places, in our crash helmets..." Mary watched him leave, a curious expression on her face. "I didn't know Buster was into Daniel Amos," she remarked finally. "I wonder if he's heard the music to 'Neverhood'..." "Like, Earth to Mary Melody, or some junk," Babs said, in a perfect imitation of Shirley the Loon. This brought her back to her senses. "Sorry, Babs..." "'Sokay," Babs grinned, then allowed herself a rare moment of seriousness. "You know, kiddo, it's not going to be the same as before. There's gonna be a whole new bunch of students to deal with..." "That's okay." "Not to mention ze same old teachers," Fifi added, laughing. "Piece of cake," Mary smiled. Babs and Fifi merely looked at each other. "Look, guys," Mary continued, "I know you think I've flipped, but this is something I've got to do." "Well, I guess there's nothing more we can say," Babs concluded, "except..." And suddenly, she threw her arms around Mary and started bawling her head off, "TAKE ME WITH YOU!" "MOI, TOO!" Fifi cried, and she also hugged Mary, who really had no idea they felt this way! She also had no idea how to get out of it, either! Finally, inspiration hit her. "I'm sorry, but the role of Elmyra was cast a long time ago!" The line was so left-of-center, coming from her, that her friends just _had_ to relax their grip. Fifi turned to Babs. "I _told_ you it wouldn't work," she muttered blandly. "Yeah," Babs sighed, "well, when you're right, you know..." Mary suddenly realized they'd been putting her on; the only reason she didn't blow a fuse was, deep down, she knew that they meant it. Not the line about taking them with her, of course; no toon with half a brain would want to relive even a single semester of 'dear old Acme' over again, unless their grades were REALLY bad! Rather, it was the camaraderie they'd shared over the years... Mary looked up, a scowl on her face. "SHEESH! Where's this hack getting his narration from... 'Shabby Rents'?" she finally complained. "Gee, two in a row," Babs said. "Are you SURE you need to go back?" -0- The question kept nagging at Mary all night. It was a wonder she got any sleep at all. Finally, she woke up to her ACME (tm) alarm clock, and in a rare fit of temperament, threw it against the bedroom wall. Unfortunately, she missed the wall completely and hurled it out of her window! 'Darn!' she thought. 'That's what I get for not wearing my _glasses_ in a fit of pique!' She got out of bed, and was on her way to close the window when she heard a loud, and none too happy, "HEY! What gives, Doc?" Just her luck, it _would_ have to hit Bugs! She briefly buried her head in her hands, before finally leaning out of the window to address him. "Ulp! Sorry, Bugs," she began. Bugs looked up. "Oh, was DIS yours, Mary?" he said sternly, wielding her alarm clock. She felt like she was back in school again (the first grade, to be specific!) Fortunately, the corners of his mouth turned upward. Maybe this was a good sign (if that's what you could call beaning Acme Loo's principal with a clock, that is!) "Funny thing, I was just on my way to see ya." 'Close one, girl!' Mary thought. "Feel like breakfast?" she said. "Tell ya what, lay off da heavy artillery and I might take you up on it!" They both laughed at that. Maybe things WOULD be better, after all. At any rate, she might even get her clock back... -0- Over breakfast at the Acme Diner, where the special that morning was carrot pancakes (well, what else?), Bugs got down to business. "Well, Mary, I can't understand why you'd wanna take the same old courses all over again. Heck, you probably remember all da answers!" They both chuckled at that. Then, Mary stopped. "Wait a minute, Bugs, you're probably right." She paused. "I guess it'd just be a waste of time for me to go back, after all," she continued, crestfallen, and pushed her plate away. Suddenly, she wasn't very hungry. Just as suddenly, Bugs got hit. This time, however, it was with an idea. "Hold it dere, Duchess," he smiled. "What would you say if I told ya dat we could use a smart goil like you on da faculty?" He waited for her reaction. It was not long in coming. "I'd say you're loonier than Gogo Dodo, that's..." She stopped quickly. "Wait a minute," she added, eyeing him suspiciously. "You're _SERIOUS,_ aren't you?" "Serious as a carrot shortage," he replied. "Besides, compared to da staff we got _now_, someone like YOU would be a breath o'fresh air... and in California, DAT'S hard to come by! Of course, if you ain't interested..." Mary practically leaped at the opportunity. "Who SAYS I ain't... er, who says I'm not interested?" She quickly corrected herself. "Of _course_ I'll do it!... but how did you know?" Bugs smiled, and pulled out an Acme Loo Yearbook (goodness only knows _where_ he'd been keeping it!), opened it to a certain page, and pointed to a picture. Mary read the caption, puzzled. "Ambition: to eat the entire junior class in a surprise snack attack?" "WHA?" Bugs did a double-take, and looked at the page in embarrassment. "Heh-heh... dat was Dizzy..." "Devil's," Mary finished for him. "Yes, I know." She laughed and moved Bugs's finger to the proper photo, and read aloud. "Mary Melody... ambitions: journalist, teacher, comedienne, fan fiction writer..." Bugs narrowed his eyes slightly at that last entry. "It don't say DAT, kid!" Mary smiled coyly. "Well, a girl can dream, can't she?" "Why not?" Bugs conceded. -0- The rest of the day (and the month, for that matter) was a blur to Mary. There was so much to prepare for. Finally, the big day came: the first day of a new school year. And this time, she was about to experience it from the OTHER side of the classroom. She made sure she arrived early, reacquainting herself with the faculty, and then waited for the first trickle of students to arrive. Babs turned out to be only _partially_ right; she'd never seen MOST of them before. Soon, she'd get to know them all. A pair of familiar looking rabbits hopped into view. "Hello, Mortimer! Hi, Robin!" she greeted them. They smiled at her and said, "No relation!" Mary fixed them with a mock scowl. "It's been done!" "Oh, yeah, so it has," Mort said. Mary's eyes twinkled behind her glasses. "I've got it; how about 'Totally Unrelated!'?" Mortimer started to object, but Robin overruled him. "I _LIKE_ it!" "You DO?" Mort asked. "Really?" They decided to try the slogan out in a trial run. Begrudgingly, Mort admitted it had a certain ring to it, but the ring he was really interested in was that of the lunch bell. At that moment, a familiar purple whirr of fur spun into view. "When lunch? Dizzy HUNGRY! Hello, Mary, see ya!" And with that, Dizzy spun away, older and no wiser. Mary barely had time to shake her head before she was nearly knocked off her feet by Little Beeper and Calamity Coyote, who were still engaged in the eternal chase. "Hey, you two, no running in the halls!" she yelled, kiddingly. A pile of books with legs and a long, skinny tail approached her. "Excuse me, does anybody know where the registration office is around here?" Mary almost gasped in disbelief. She _KNEW_ that voice! "Rhubella? What are YOU doing here?" Rhubella almost dropped her books. "Mary Melody? What are YOU doing here?" Obviously, Ruby hadn't been watching the news recently. "Well, never mind, I'm sure it's inconsequential..." Mary almost told her, but Mortimer distracted her. "What IS it, Mort?" She bent down so he could whisper in her ear. "Let her find out for herself... it'll be more _fun_ that way!" Mary had to hand it to him. 'Just like one of Babs's relatives to think of _that_!' she thought. After telling Ruby where to go (so to speak), Mary watched the bunnies (totally unrelated) hop off. "Hey, Robin..." "Yes, Mortimer?" "Do you _really_ like that 'totally unrelated' phrase?" "No, but it's in the script." "Oh, well, if it's in the _script_..." Mary felt a tapping on her shoulder. She turned around and nearly lost her balance. "BUGS! I didn't hear you come in!" He grinned. "Must be my footwear. Well, kid, ya ready?" "Ready as I'll ever be." "Then get to class. After all, how's it gonna look if one of da teachers shows up late?" "Like one of Elmer's lectures?" "Soives me right for askin'," Bugs laughed. "See ya later, kid." "See you, Bugs," Mary replied, and headed for her homeroom. Rhubella met her at the door. "Looks like we're going to be in the same class," Ruby mused. "I wonder what the teacher's like..." "Tell you what," Mary said, a wicked little grin crossing her lips. "What say we find out together?" And with that, they took their respective places at their desks as the bell rang. "Oh, no..." Rhubella moaned. "Oh, yes," Mary said. Rhubella closed her eyes and muttered, "Come on, stupid clock, _please_ strike three...!" -0- PART TWO: "Whatever Happened To Rhubella Rat?"* -0- 'Boy, talk about your change of venues,' Rhubella thought to herself. 'MONDO strange!' She wouldn't come right out and admit it, but she had definitely gotten off on the wrong footing today. First, almost every student in the Looniversity had given her the cold shoulder, from the seniors all the way down to the freshmen. She tried telling herself that it would pass, but she knew better. In fact, only Emily and Eric Bunny had even given her as much as the time of day. Other than that, her whole day had been one long festival of trouble. She was having trouble adjusting to the fact that she, former star-everything at the dreaded Perfecto Prep, was now enrolled at Acme Loo, that institution of higher education (and LOWER comedy!) so near and dear to the hearts of Toonatics worldwide. She was having trouble getting used to the fact that one of her former academic rivals, Mary Melody, was now one of her teachers. But mainly, she was having trouble opening her locker! This final bit of trouble did not go unobserved. "Try pounding it below the handle," she heard, and spun around sharply to see Mary standing behind her, smiling. Giving a 'What-the-hey?' shrug, she did just that, and was surprised when the locker opened quicker than she could say 'Nyeh-nyeh, Eisner!' "This used to be _my_ locker," Mary said. "It was always temperamental." Ruby gathered her books. "Do you think they'll get around to fixing it?" "Not a chance," Mary sighed. "They'll probably use the money to buy a new _pencil_ or something equally earth-shaking." "Oh," Ruby answered without a second thought, accepting that less- than-bold pronouncement as if it were gospel. Mary quickly gauged Rhubella's reaction. 'Sheesh! Doesn't _she_ know sarcasm when she hears it?' she thought. "Ruby," she said, "it was a joke..." "Oh... right... joke," she answered unenthusiastically. "I wonder if I'll ever get used to that..." "Sure you will. Just stop taking yourself so seriously. You'll do fine." Rhubella hesitated before speaking. "Ummm, Mary, about this morning, I..." Mary waved it off. "Forget about it, Rhubella. We all make mistakes. Hey, I once thought the 'Box Look' was IN, can you believe that?" That finally broke through the rat's exterior, and both girls had a good laugh over that particular fashion mistake. "So," Mary added, changing the subject, "are you going to try out for the basketball team?" It was a loaded question. "I _might_," Ruby hinted. "What about you?" "I can't," Mary sighed. "I'm on the faculty now, remember? I don't think I'll be getting any hoop time in soon... however, if you want to have a pick-up game once in a while..." "This afternoon, Acme Acres Community Basketball Court?" "Girl, you are ON!" "Great!... Say, what do I _call_ you?" "Now, let me think..." Mary said. "How about, 'The All-Powerful, All-Omnipotent Goddess of B-Ball'?" "Fat chance!" Mary sighed in mock dejection. "Oh, yeah... I keep forgetting Rodman already OWNS that one!" The two exchanged sly glances, and then burst out laughing at such a ridiculous concept. "Mary will be just fine, Ruby. You'll find we're not much on formality here." "I'll try to remember that," Ruby answered. She was feeling better already. "Say, can you help me with my homework sometime?" Mary peered at her over her glasses. "You're PUSHING it, lady!" She then added, in her best Slappy Squirrel impression, "School's over. GO HOME!" Ruby got the hint. Leaning against the locker, Mary let out a deep sigh, when she heard, from out of nowhere, "Ya know, you remind me of a very young Babs Bunny... only with shorter ears!" She turned around and saw Babs herself waving at her from across the hall. "You handled Rhubella quite well, kid!" "Piece of carrot cake." "No thanks, maybe later." Mary shook her head. "WHY didn't I see that one coming?" "Beats me. Maybe it's the way your glasses are sitting..." -0- "So, what exactly IS Rhubella doing here?" Mary asked Babs as they strolled toward the parking lot. "I would've thought she'd graduated from Perfecto LAST semester!" "Didn't you hear?" "Hear what?" "Perfecto raised their tuition sky high last year, and Ruby couldn't afford it, so she quit." "Just like that?" "Just like that," Babs sighed. "But that's not like Rhubella to give up so easily," Mary said. "You think Roddy knows?" "Oh yeah, _he_ knows. Buster and I were there when he found out, and believe me, it _wasn't_ pleasant." "Oh-oh..." "'Oh-oh...' is right! You remember how Roddy feels about anybody attending _this_ place..." "Oh, yeah," Mary laughed. "'Acme Loo Losers', I believe he called us. You think he would've gotten the hint by now." "This IS Roderick Rat we're talking about!" Mary slapped her forehead. "Right... what WAS I thinking?" She paused. "So, how's things between them now?" "'Bout the same. She made him promise that he wouldn't let her attending Acme interfere with their relationship... or ELSE!" Babs smiled, remembering the scene. "And knowing Rhubella, she's got an 'Or ELSE!' of solid steel! Other than that, it's business as usual. Anyway, you know how he feels about Ruby... although I've never been all that sure that HE does..." "Kind of like you and Buster, eh?" Mary giggled. "Of course, romantic ambivalence was always HIS territory... emphasis on 'was', right?" she added with a wink. "Hey, this is s'posed to be a G-rated story, Mary!" "Oooops! I forgot..." The pair stopped to survey their surroundings, and to their surprise, discovered that they _weren't_ where they started out to be! "What the heck is THIS?" Mary asked, in complete confusion. Babs noticed it, too. They were in the middle of a desert! "Hey, _this_ isn't the parking lot!!" "You're telling ME?" Mary was fuming now. "Boy, wait till I get my hands on the guy who's writing THIS story! I'll..." Quickly, a paintbrush appeared and painted the proper scenery behind them. Mary was still fuming. "Let's have no more of THAT, mister!" she yelled at... at... oh, she didn't know who. Babs tried calming her down. "Take it easy, Mary. 'Schmuck Amuck' is over now, and we can get back to the original dialogue." "Oh... right...where were we?" "Oh, I don't remember." They piled into Mary's convertible. "Can you drop me off at the Acme Hospital?" "Why? Is something wrong?" "No, I'm fine. I just have a cameo coming up there at the beginning of Part Three." -0- Meanwhile, Rhubella had actually managed to make it home without being spotted by any of her former Perfecto classmates. She entered the house, breathed a sigh of relief, entered her room, put her books on the dresser, and flopped back on her bed for a quick cat... er, _rat_- nap. She felt she NEEDED it. She placed her hands in her skirt pockets, and heard a loud crinkle of paper. 'Darn!' she thought. 'I thought I threw that thing away!' She pulled out that offending letter from Perfecto and glared at it with more hatred than an inanimate object deserved. "Well, now's as good a time as any," she sighed; with that, she wadded it up into a ball and made a perfect hook shot into the wastebasket on the other side of the room. She smiled broadly. Maybe she _would_ try out for the b-ball team after all... A knock on the door interrupted her reverie. "Ruby?" "Come in, Mom." Rhonda did so, and sat down on the edge of the bed. "So, dear, how was your first day back?" Ruby sighed heavily. "Oh... it was okay... I guess..." Rhonda raised one slightly skeptical eyebrow. "Rhubella Marie..." "The truth? It was AWFUL..." "Really? I don't see why it should've been... anyhow, what more you could possibly learn at Perfecto is..." Rhubella cringed. She hadn't told her mother _where_ she was enrolled now! "Mom... there's something I haven't told you..." "Now what?" Rhonda smiled. By now, she was used to this from Ruby, who wandered over to the wastebasket unhappily. She was NEVER gonna get rid of that darned letter! She unfolded it, and handed it to her mom, who read it slowly, taking in every word. Finally, she put the letter down. "Ruby, I don't understand... if they raised the tuition 175%, where did you get...?" Ruby sighed heavily again. "That's what I didn't tell you... I'm not back at Perfecto..." and she pointed to the books on the dresser. Rhonda read the titles out loud. "'Wild Takes,' by Bugs Bunny... 'Slapstick for Fun, Profit and MORE Profit,' by Daffy Duck...'Chuck Amuck,' by Chuck Jones... 'That's NOT All, Folks!,' by Mel Blanc... 'Hound Teasing Made Simple,' by... Fleghorn?" "That's 'F. Leghorn,' Mother..." Suddenly, the light dawned on Rhonda. (No, it did NOT say, 'Eat At Joe's,' either!) A smile crossed her lips. "My daughter, the Acme Loonatic..." By now, Ruby had planted her face firmly into her pillow. "What's a mother to do, huh?" Rhonda teased her daughter quietly. Rhubella looked up, trying to regain any lost composure. "Move to Cleveland?" she ventured. "Been there, done that," Rhonda replied, half-jokingly. "Does Roderick know?" Ruby sighed. "Yeah, he knows. He's not exactly CRAZY about it, but I told him he's got no choice... accept it, or lose me; that's the deal." "He'd _better_, or he'll hear from ME!" Rhonda said, teasing Ruby some more. "Listen, dear," she continued, turning serious, "if Roddy can't take you now that you're going to Acme, then he doesn't deserve you at all. Capice?" Ruby didn't reply. She didn't have to, not when her mom made such perfect sense (which was always). "Thanks, mom," she finally said, hugging her. "Don't mention it," Rhonda replied, wadding that letter back into a ball and, without even looking, scored a perfect 2-pointer in the wastebasket! "Just promise me one thing, though..." "Yes?" By now, Rhonda was on her way out, but she turned around and smiled at her daughter. "If you make the squad, _cream_ Perfecto for me!" She didn't say why, but then again, she didn't have to. Rhubella _knew_ why. "You GOT it, mom!" -0- Having dropped Babs off at the hospital, Mary headed back to her apartment, when she spotted one of her fellow teachers having car trouble. "Darn this Yugo!" screamed the rabbit in the lavender dress. "Why I _ever_ let 'Honest' Sam talk me into buying this lemon..." Mary pulled up beside her. "He stuck it to you again, huh, Honey Bunny?" Honey's glare told her all she needed to know about _that_ subject. "Well, hop in!" said Mary. "I'll give you a lift." Honey quickly gathered her things and literally did just that. "Maybe I should've rephrased that?" Mary finally laughed, still in awe of Honey's 3-point landing in the front seat. "Hmmm, _could_ be," she laughed. Honey had returned to the faculty this year, teaching 'Print Media (comic and coloring books)' and 'American History' (using the accepted standard teaching material at Acme, Stan Freberg's "U.S.A. Vols. 1 & 2" CDs). "So, how do you like life on the other side, Mary?" "I'll be honest, Hon," she said, giving it some thought. "It was easier than I thought it'd be... but then, I still have 179 more days of this to go!" she added, as they drove away. "You and me both, sister, and don't remind me!" Honey paused. "Turn here..." she pointed, and Mary did. "So, did you find out why Rhubella's at Acme?" "Topic of the day," Mary sighed. "Babs told me. For a while, I thought it was a last ditch act of revenge by Roddy for Perfecto always losing the Acme Bowl." "Get REAL, Mary! That idea's so obvious, he should've thought of it YEARS ago! Turn here..." As Mary drove on, she relayed the info Babs gave her. "All because Perfecto raised their tuition..." "Hmmmm... that sounds like something Perfecto would pull, all right-- those spud-mothering jackanapes!" "Those WHAT?!?" Honey Bunny smiled. "You'll find, Mary, as you get to know me better, that I'm NOT all 'sweetness and light and no personality'... turn here..." Mary considered that last sentence. "Are you still upset about that Lola business?" "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... turn here!" she replied brightly. Mary decided to return to the subject of Rhubella. "Why do you suppose Ruby's keeping her transfer a secret, then... unless she doesn't want the Perfectoids finding out... turn here?" "No, keep going..." Honey smiled, and looked first at her watch, then straight ahead. "Any second now..." Suddenly, Yosemite 'Honest' Sam appeared in the crosswalk before them. Mary and Honey plowed right over him! "EEEP!" Mary screeched, stopping the car. They both hurried out to where Sam was lying, flat as a pancake. "Sam! Are you all right?" "Never mind THAT!" Honey snapped. She was all business now. "Hand it over, you crook!" With a great deal of effort (and quite a bit of _pain_,) Sam reached into his vest pocket and handed Honey the check for the lemon he'd sold her. She inspected it closely. "Good, he hasn't cashed it yet!" she growled. Honey then stuffed the check into her dress pocket, and addressed Sam. "Next time you wanna _fleece_ somebody, try a flock of SHEEP!" she yelled, and got back into the car, fuming. Mary bent down and told Sam, "I'm sorta really sorry about this..." "No problemo, little lady. Ah wuz halfaways expectin' it, anyhows. By the way, you wouldn't have an ibuprofen or two on ya, would you? OOOOooooohhh!" She did, and gave them to him. "Much obliged, ma'am... now ah gotta go fleece me a sheep..." Before he could fully recover, Sam Sheepdog appeared, brandishing a mallet... and an attitude. Shaking his head at Sam ever so slightly, he promptly clobbered the little man for good measure and watched smugly as Sam rolled up like a curled sheet of parchment. Just then, he heard a distant time clock whistle for quitting time, so he headed back to punch out... literally AND figuratively! Mary didn't comment as she drove away. She felt it would be safer. Finally, after a bit, she said, "Didja ever wake up one morning and find out by the end of the day that you were one-half of 'Thelma And Louise'?" Honey Bunny smiled. "Don't worry about it... there isn't a jury in Acme Acres that'd convict us!" Mary was not exactly comforted by that, and it showed on her face. After all, they'd both have to face Sam again the next day. Seeing the discomfort on Mary's face, Honey dropped the matter and decided to return to the topic of the day, Rhubella. "I've already been through that territory with Babs, remember?" Mary reminded her. "Oh, yeah, so you have," Honey sighed, as Mary stopped in front of the fem bunny's house. "Well, thanks for the lift." "Anytime," Mary answered, looking at her watch. "You got somewhere to go?" Honey asked, jokingly. "Yeah," Mary said. "I promised Ruby I'd meet her for a pick-up game..." "Well, watch yourself!" Honey laughed. "Knowing that girl, ANYTHING is likely to happen!" -0- Mary arrived at her apartment, had a quick shower, and changed into what she considered appropriate attire for the occasion: her old Acme Loo basketball uniform. Admiring her reflection in the hallway mirror, she smiled. Topping off the ensemble with her white and blue Acme Loo varsity jacket, she grabbed a basketball, dashed out to her car, and headed towards the Acme Acres Community Basketball Court. She didn't realize it yet, but Honey Bunny was going to be right. 'ANYTHING likely' was about to happen... and it was going to be _dreadful_... -0- Rhubella was already at 'the Court', shooting hoops like it was open season on them. She was at the top of her form... so much so, that she didn't even notice she was being watched, until after about 50 3- pointers in a row, she heard a smattering of applause. Startled, she spun around to see who it was. "Hello?... Who's there?" "Rhu-BEL-la, DAR-ling!" It was Margot Mallard, one of her former P.P. classmates. "It's been AGES!" she smiled, her voice just dripping with insincerity. For the first time, Rhubella stopped to wonder why she'd never noticed that about Margot before. "Hi, Margot," Ruby replied. "It hasn't been _that_ long, has it?" "Almost a year. Everybody's been wondering what happened to you..." "Oh, not much... A lot of thinking, mostly..." "Yeah," Margot replied, snidely. "You always were pretty good at that..." Ruby didn't know why, but this conversation was beginning to make her feel more than a little uncomfortable. "You feel like a little team b-ball?" Margot asked, and Ruby saw four figures step out of the shadows from where Margot was standing. She recognized them immediately as some of her former classmates. Ruby breathed a sigh of relief. "Hi, girls. Sure, I could stand a little three-on-three..." Margot smiled menacingly. "Actually, rat, your math's all wrong..." The group had quickly surrounded her... and Ruby suddenly knew that basketball was the _furthest_ thing from their minds. "Heh-heh... this is a joke, isn't it, Margot?" she asked nervously, seeing the array of lead pipes, chains, brass knuckles, etc., they were wielding. "ISN'T it?" "Yeah... right... joke... just like your enrolling at Acme Loserversity..." "(Gulp!)... Oh, so you know..." "Ruby, darling," Margot cooed unctuously, putting an arm around Ruby's shoulder, "let me explain this in terms even YOU will understand..." With that, she shoved Rhubella into the midst of the group and screamed, "GET THE TRAITOR!!!!!" "EEP!" was Ruby's only reply. She knew they meant business, and the only course of action open to her was to try and keep away from them for as long as possible. She put up a valiant defense, utilizing the same brilliant jumping techniques she'd perfected on the courts to try and evade these... _maniacs_; there was no other word for them. Unfortunately, after an otherwise awe-inspiring half-court leap away from them, she turned around to poke her tongue out at them... and that's when Margot beaned her with a baseball bat! Mercifully, Rhubella blacked out... but not before she saw Margot approach her with a pair of very sharp hedge clippers... -0- Mary Melody pulled up just in time to catch a glimpse of the activity at 'the Court'... and what she saw both shocked and outraged her. Swallowing hard, she leaned on her car horn for all it was worth, and yelled "HEY!!" It worked. The Preppies scattered to the four winds when they realized they'd been seen, leaving their victim behind, a black and blue and orange and sorry mess. Mary quickly rushed to her aid, and gasped when she saw what they'd done to Ruby. The bruises were bad enough, but... Mary gritted her teeth angrily. NOBODY deserved to have THAT done to them, not even Rhubella! She found herself feeling extremely sorry for the rat, who was only just now coming out of it. "Ruby?" she whispered. Rhubella opened one eye, slowly. "M-M-Mary?" she stammered. Mary nodded. "Are they... g-g-gone?" Mary nodded again, and produced a cell phone from her jacket. "I'll take p-p-pepperoni on mine, hold the p-p-pizza..." "Ah, stop talkin' like Porky Pig; it don't suit ya," Mary told her, in her 'Slappy' voice, and Ruby managed a weak laugh. That was encouraging, Mary thought... at this point, _any_ laugh was a good sign. She quickly called 9-1-1 and gave them the pertinent details. "I guess I can cancel that trip to the hairdressers, huh, Mar?" Ruby asked... and Mary knew that Ruby knew what Margot had done with those hedge clippers. "How... how do I look?" she gulped. "Does the name Sinead O'Connor mean anything to you?" Ruby nodded. "Like that," Mary sighed, adding, "only much worse..." "Great," Rhubella moaned, "...but think of the money I'll save on shampoo..." Mary smiled at what must have been one heck of an effort for Ruby, who smiled weakly again, then passed out in Mary's lap as the ambulance came. As the paramedics placed Ruby on the gurney, Mary shook her head. Then, she dialed a couple more numbers on her phone... -0- PART THREE: Revenge IS Sweet... and it comes in delicious fruit flavors! -0- Shirley the Loon was as furious as being in a hospital corridor would allow her to be, and it showed. "Like, why would Margot DO that to Rhubella, or some junk?" "Do the homework, loon girl," Buster sighed. "Those Perfectoids are fanatical about school loyalty; and, well, Ruby sorta broke that... you know, it'd be like if Babs decided to work for Disney..." "Snowball's chance, fella!" Babs shot back. "Okay, so that was an extreme example," Buster added. "But like, I get the idea, totally," Shirley said. The Bunnies detected a strong twinge of empathy in her voice, which struck them as strange, since Ruby and Shirl had NEVER gotten along at all. Emily and Eric arrived as fast as they could when they heard the news, and Emily quickly put her two cents in. "If you ask me, this SUCKS!" All eyes focused on her. Emily blushed a little and shrugged her shoulders. "Hey, don't blame me; it was in the script..." "Save it for the Hoover commercial, sis," warned Babs. Lola Bunny, the girls' b-ball coach, emerged from Ruby's room, and she had plenty to say... and it wasn't "Nice butt!", either! In fact, the language she used would've made Fowlmouth blush (like, that's possible?) ... she was THAT angry! She continued in this vein for about another minute before Babs reminded her she had an audience. Eric was plugging his ears, but Emily produced her trusty notebook. "Coach, does that have three or four *'s in it?" she asked curiously. Buster sighed, and swiftly snatched the notebook away from her. "Forget it, E.J.! There's NO commercial in the world you can use THOSE words in!" He turned to Lola. "You were starting to say?" he teased, allowing her sufficient time to both recover her composure, and to finish blushing. "Oh... er... um... the doctor says Rhubella can go home now." Emily tapped her boyfriend on the shoulder. "Eric, you can unplug your ears now." "Huh?" "Oh, never mind," she sighed. "I didn't think Ruby'd be out that fast," she said to Lola. "Toons have a rapid recovery rate, Emily," Lola replied. "Anyway, I think Margot wanted to _humiliate_ Ruby, not kill her." "Like, don't you think, in that case, the haircut would've been enough, or some junk?" Shirley scowled. Everybody considered this, as Mary joined the group, pushing Ruby in a wheelchair. "Buster! Babs! What are YOU guys doing here?" Ruby asked, surprised. "A guest shot," Buster smiled. Babs and Emily both gave him a dirty look and a punch in the gut. "OOOOOF! That was pointless," he added, before falling over like the proverbial Ton Of Mud. "Rhubella, how are you?" Babs asked softly. "Bald," she answered flatly. "Well, besides that, I meant..." Ruby spoke slowly and clearly, in sharp, even tones, to heighten her anger. "I'm hurt... I'm in pain... I'm _steamed_..." "And BALD!" Emily quipped, before anybody could stop her. Rhubella motioned to her. "Emily, how old are you?" "17." Ruby hissed menacingly, "Would you like to see 18?" Emily didn't miss a beat. "Why? What's in it for me?" Ruby gave up. "Babs, is she REALLY your sister?" "That's what mom, pop, and the character designers tell me!" she winked. "Yeah, sure, right, whatever," Ruby said listlessly, before finally pointing to her scalp in frustration. "Can we get someone to DO some- thing about this?" A paintbrush appeared and painted a paper bag over her head. "NOT FUNNY, MISTER!" she growled. Yanking off the bag, she now found herself sporting a dunce cap! "That author writing this slop is a DEAD MAN!" she screeched, her eyes glowing bright red. Removing the cap, and hardly knowing what to expect next, she was pleasantly surprised as first one, then another, and finally a LOT of strands of long, wavy orange-red hair cascaded in front of her eyes. Ruby checked to make sure this wasn't another one of the writer's perverse sight gags, and tugged hard at her new hairstyle. Fortunately, it stayed. "I take it all back," she beamed, and checked her reflection in a nearby mirror, playing with her hair, and shaking her head back until her new 'do fell into place like a rodent version of Bernadette Peters. "Mondo COOL! This, I _LIKE_!" she smiled, looking up at the author. "Well, what kind of a writer would I be if I didn't pay at least SOME attention to continuity?" I asked. "You mean my vanity?" "Yeah..." "Not long for this earth, fella!" Eric was confused. "WHO is she _talking_ to, Buster?" "Oh, nobody of importance," he yawned. "Probably just another drooling Fifi fanboy..." "A-HEM!!" Mary Melody said, finally fed up with all this filler material. "Would _somebody_ tell me what we're going to do about Margot and her bunch? What they DID to Ruby _wasn't_ funny, you know!" This brought everybody back to their senses. All eyes turned to Rhubella, who could only sigh as she considered Mary's question. "I honestly wish I knew..." -0- As time passed, everybody offered Ruby their ideas. Some were ludicrous (Plucky suggested Jell-o Bombs at 3 paces), and others were downright vicious--even more vicious than Margot and company had been to her. Rhubella rejected them all, even the Jell-o Bombs. Finally, not knowing what else to do, she decided to ask Bugs about it. As she entered his office, he could see she was a changed rat, but the change wasn't good. She was depressed a lot, she tended to get upset at almost everything anybody said to her, and it was starting to affect her schoolwork (when she could be persuaded to take an interest, that is.) Bugs was no p-sychologist, but he knew enough about the subject to recognize a developing case of "Bad Girl" syndrome (or, the "B.G.'s"), so named after that plot device in every third bad grade-B movie of the 50's and 60's of the bad girl who really wanted to be good, but didn't know how. And in Rhubella's case, it was starting to drive the poor girl stark raving nuts! What Bugs _couldn't_ figure out, however, was why, after two weeks, she was still in that wheelchair... unless the damage that Margot's morons did was even more severe than everybody thought it was. But Ruby was still a toon, first and foremost; she _would_ eventually be up and around again--that much was a given. Right now, it was her emotional state that worried Bugs. After all, a toon could only be just _so_ looney. As such, he decided to tread lightly where she was concerned. "So, what's on yer agenda, kiddo?" "It's this whole Margot thing," she sighed. "I don't know, Bugs. Do you think I should just let it drop?" Bugs sauntered over to the window, omnipresent carrot in hand. "Whadda _you_ think, Rhubella?" "Well," she said uncertainly, "didn't YOU ever fight back in any of YOUR old 'toons?" "Well, sure, kid; but ya gotta remember, dose were only _films_..." "Oh... so in real life, it wouldn't be 'Of course you realize, THIS means WAR!', is that what you're telling me?" Bugs turned to the window, lost in thought. "I never DID thank Groucho for lettin' me use dat line... oh, well..." he sighed. "Excuse me?" "Huh?... Oh, sorry, Rhubella; didn't mean to drift off on ya..." "That's okay," she sighed heavily. "Look, Ruby, I'm gonna level wit' ya. I'm not a big fan of dis 'eye- for-an-eye' stuff; never have been. And I'm NOT gonna recommend dat YOU start takin' it up, either!" He smiled faintly. "They haven't tried anything since, have they?" Ruby shook her head. "Well, dat's good..." "If it were anybody else, yeah; but remember, Bugs, I went to Perfecto with them. I'm telling you, they can be devious, and I ought to know!" "Yeah," he mused, "I guess you would, at that." The phone rang on his desk. "Excuse me a minute, will ya, kid?" Rhubella nodded silently, and turned her wheelchair in the direction of the door. 'Apparently,' she thought, '_HE_ doesn't care, either..." Bugs answered the phone. "Hello?... Rhonda? What's wrong?" Ruby stopped at the mention of her mother's name, and wheeled back to Bugs's desk. "They did WHAT???" His brow furrowed angrily. "Why, _dose_... I see... yeah, we'll be right over! 'Bye!" It was all he could do NOT to slam down the receiver! "Bugs?" Ruby was apprehensive. "What's wrong?" "Ya spoke too soon, Ruby." He pressed a button on his intercom. "Sylvia, hold all my calls. I gotta go somewhere." He looked Ruby in the eye. "Come wit' me, kid!" "Why? Where are we going?" "Your place. Somethin' has come up, and I think you oughta see it for yourself..." -0- Bugs helped Ruby in to the front seat of his Cadillac, put her wheelchair in the trunk, and then they took off towards Ruby's house. He didn't say a word the entire trip. He didn't dare. He knew he was sitting next to an emotional time bomb, and he was trying to figure out what to do if--or when--she went off. And if he was right, and Ruby really _was_ suffering from the "B.G.'s", then there wouldn't be a whole heck of a lot he COULD do. When they arrived, Rhonda was already waiting for them, and they could see she was visibly shaken. Then they took one look at the house, and knew why. Broken glass from the windows was scattered all over the front lawn, Rhonda's prized rose garden was totalled, and the words 'TRAITOR!' and 'ACME LOO LOSER!' were spray painted all over the house. Rhubella took in this despicable sight, and then took the only available outlet. She screamed at the top of her lungs. Unfortunately, she forgot she was still in the Caddy, strapped in next to Bugs! After she finished, she suddenly remembered her surroundings. "ooops... sorry, Bugs," she apologized weakly. Bugs was, needless to say, more than a little jittery. "Sheesh! And I thought SAM was loud!" He quickly added, "Sorry, Ruby. Didn't mean to sound so in-SONN-sitive..." "It's all right," she reassured him. As Bugs got Ruby into her wheelchair and up to her mom, he mused bitterly to himself that he HATED things like this. Toons weren't supposed to behave towards each other this way! He also hated not knowing what to say. However, after hugging her mom for what seemed like an eternity, Rhubella knew. And _she_ hated it even more... -0- "Absolutely NOT! And that's FINAL!!" Rhonda told her daughter fiercely. "You already quit _one_ school, and you're NOT going to do it again, capice?!?" "But, mom..." "But NOTHING, young lady!" Rhubella had never heard her mom speak to her like this before. Suddenly, dropping out of Acme sounded like the dumbest idea on the face of the earth, and Ruby was sorry she'd even brought it up. "You already _promised_ me you'd stick it out this time, Rhubella Marie Rat, and by all things Looney, you're going to KEEP that promise!" Ruby swallowed hard. If Rhonda referred to her by her full name, she must _really_ have been angry! She tried the logical (for Ruby, anyway) approach. "Even if it kills me?" Rhonda softened. "Dear, there's an old saying amongst us toons: 'They can rip you in half, but they can't kill you.'" "I've never _heard_ that one..." "Well, you're young, yet..." "I know, and I'd like to be OLD, yet!" She turned to Bugs. "Bugs?" He sighed. "Your mom's right, kiddo. For better or woise, you're an Acme Loonatic, and we'll BOTH be darned if we let ya quit now just because of what Margot and dem goils did to ya! Besides," he hinted, smiling, "if ya quit now, you might miss all da _fun_..." Maybe it was the way he said it; maybe it was the stress she'd been under; but whatever it was, Rhubella chose that moment to explode! "FUN?" she yelled uncontrollably. "You call getting the succotash beaten out of you till you can barely WALK and an Elmer Fudd haircut FUN?!?" There was no stopping her now. "...To say NOTHING of what they did HERE?!? I'm sorry, but if this is your idea of FUN, mister, then I'd sure as heck hate to see what you think a GREEK TRAGEDY IS LIKE!!!!!" Having finished, she finally collapsed, sobbing, in her wheelchair. Rhonda was stunned into silence. "I... I'm sorry..." Ruby could barely get the words out. Bugs took hold of her hand. "It's okay, Ruby; I've dealt wit' woise..." he said softly. "Besides, my idea of a Greek tragedy is 'Yawni At The Metropolis!'" Ruby stopped crying long enough to blink back tears and actually laugh. "Eh, don't tell Shirley I said dat, okay? Otherwise I'll NEVER hear da end of it!" He smiled, and wiped her eyes with a tissue. "Dere... better?" "I... I guess so," she said. "Listen, I think I'd like to be alone for a while..." "I understand," Bugs assured her. "See ya later, kid." Ruby wheeled her way out of the living room and through the kitchen, on her way to the patio. Bugs turned to Rhonda. "I hate to say it, but I'm _really_ worried about her." "I know what you mean," she sighed heavily. "She's been going through a tough time, and this isn't helping. I heard that, until she was attacked, none of the other students at Acme would even give her the time of day, except for Emily and Eric." She shook her head sadly. "I guess her reputation preceded her..." "Bad reps usually have a nasty habit of doin' dat, Rhonda. Thing is, when she talked to me about enrollin' at da Loo, I sensed she _really_ wanted to change." "I know, Bugs, and it's tearing her up... I don't know if she's going to last another _month_, much less the entire year!" A knock on the door interrupted them. Bugs opened it, and Mary Melody rushed in. "What happened HERE?" she asked. "Margot, from what we can gather," Bugs answered. "What's up, Mary?" She sat down. "Well, you know we've got that exhibition b-ball game against Perfecto next week?" Bugs and Rhonda nodded. "You know who their new girls' coach is?" "Margot?" they asked. "Exactly..." "Does Ruby know this?" Rhonda asked. "I don't think so... would it really do her any good if she did?" "Hard to say," Bugs told her. "She's in such a fragile state now, dat hearin' somethin' like dat might wind up doin' her more harm than good..." He then told them his suspicions about Ruby's condition. None of them were aware that Rhubella had not gone out to the patio, in fact, but had been on the other side of the kitchen door the whole time, listening. She bit her lip quietly, and took in every word, her eyes growing wide. "So _that_ explains her behavior," Mary said sympathetically. "I didn't know..." "It's only a _theory_, Mar; nothin' definite," Bugs cautioned her. "Well, isn't there anything we can do for her?" asked Rhonda. Bugs sighed. "Just try to be understandin' wit' her, is all. Of course, it would _really_ help if she had some support from her friends..." "If she HAD any friends," Rhonda added ruefully. Mary fished around in her purse. "I'm glad you brought that up," she smiled, finally producing a sealed envelope, which she handed to Rhonda. "Here, see that Ruby gets this, will you?" she smiled, adding, "I've got to go do the newscast, but tell her I dropped this by..." -0- Later that night, Rhubella looked over the contents of the envelope. It was a simple sketch drawing of a basketball court with a big red '*' on the front; and inside, that '*' again, next to the words, "Wish you were here..." It wasn't so much the Hallmark sentimentality of the thing that got to her, but the fact that it was signed in every available space by all of the members of the b-ball team. Emily had added, "From your fellow Losers, with love ;)". Only Ruby knew for certain the effect it had on her, but it was instantaneous. A sparkle returned to her eyes that hadn't been there in weeks, coupled with a grim determination. 'So we're losers, huh?' she thought. 'We'll just SEE about that!' She immediately picked up her phone and dialed Mary. "Hi, Mary? Rhubella..." She paused, looking at the card again, and smiled. "It's _time_..." -0- On the night of the big--eh.--game, Acme Loo Stadium was filled to capacity. Unfortunately, the game itself was in the gymnasium! But once that little bugaboo was straightened out, and everybody more or less found their seats, then it was business as usual for the most heated rivalry in Acme Acres. And everybody who was _anybody_ was there: Buster, Babs, Bugs, Elmer--eh.--and so on. Even Alex Redolence (the owner of Acme Acres) was there, with Fifi literally hanging on his arm. "Hey, Alex!" Buster called out. "What are you doing here?" Alex smiled. "Didn't you read that hack narration? 'Everybody who's anybody is here,'" he replied mockingly. "Besides, the Deed convinced me I needed a night out." He turned to the skunkette on his arm. "Er... Fifi?" "Le sigh," she replied dreamily, lost in her own little world. "You know, Buster, I'm afraid if she doesn't relax her grip soon, my arm's going to drop off!" "So can't you do something about it?" Babs teased him. Alex smiled even more. "I _could_..." That was the Bunnies' cue to join in. "...but WHO WANTS TO?" "Yeah, I guess you're right," Buster laughed. -0- Meanwhile, up in the broadcast booth, Sylvester was busy making last-second preparations. "Sheesh!" he sputtered, unaware that his mike was on. "Wake me out of a perfectly good catnap to do a lousy exhibition game... Sakes! Even 'The Fabulous Sports Babe' doesn't watch exhibition games!" He turned to his left, and (wouldn't you know?) The Babe herself was adjusting her headset. "I'm gonna INJURE The Sports Boy!" she grumbled. "Well, let's get this turkey over with... by the way, cat, your stupid mike is on..." "The name's Sylvester, lady, and just what do you mean my stupid mike...?" He stopped, and dragged his paw over his face. "AW, SUFFERIN' _SUCCOTASH_!" The crowd roared with evident glee at his 'faux-pa[w]s'. Meanwhile, down on the court, Margot's team were finishing their warm-up shots, when Margot noticed Rhubella, in her wheelchair, seated alongside the Acme players' bench, dressed as if she were actually going to play. She couldn't resist the dig, and strolled up smugly to Rhubella. "Hey, Ruby, _nice_wheels_!" she chortled. Ruby really wanted to leap out of her chair and strangle Margot at that moment. Of course, she couldn't; so she had to settle for 'Plan B'. "Margot," she said in her frostiest tones, "haven't you ever heard the old saying, 'Revenge is a dessert best served chilled'?" "That's _not_ how it goes, rat!" Their gazes met, and ice bridges literally formed from one to the other. The crowd reacted with an en masse "BR-R-R-R-R-R!" as the temperature in the gym suddenly dropped to below freezing! A quick blast of energy shattered the ice, and all eyes turned toward Alex, who merely blew on his index finger and pocketed his hand as if it were a gun in a holster. Margot decided it would be safer if she were on _her_ side of the court, and retreated there post haste. It was just as well; for at that moment, somebody was trying to attract Ruby's attention. "Psssst! Rhubella!" Ruby turned around to see who was whispering at her. "Mom! Did you find Roderick?" "Yes," she smiled. "Did you really think he'd miss a game like this?" "Right, what was I thinking?" she chuckled. "He asked me to give you this," Rhonda added, and handed Ruby a note, which she read eagerly. This is what she read: Ruby, I'm not exactly crazy about having to contact you like this, but under the circumstances, I think I know why; it probably IS better this way. First, I had NOTHING to do with Margot's attack on you. My gripe isn't with you, but with Acme! I'd handle her myself, but if you've got a better idea, then go for it! Just be careful. Second, since you wanted just a 'yes' or 'no' answer to your other question, the answer is, 'No.' (Although why you even _want_ to know this is beyond me!) See you after the game. Roderick Rhubella smiled, and handed the note back to her mother. "Thanks, I needed that. Don't lose it, please!" "Whatever you say, dear," Rhonda said. The lights went out in the gym at that point, which meant one of two things: 1)Either the Loo hadn't kept up with their electric bill, or 2) the game was about to start. As colored spotlights cast their glow around the place to a tape of the Alan Parsons Project's 'Sirius', it was obviously #2. "Now taking the court, would you welcome, returning state champs..." Sylvester said in his own less-than-stentorian tones, "YOUR ACME LOONIVERSITY TOONSTERS!" "Hey, Sylvester," The Babe whispered off-mike, "haven't the Chicago Bulls already done this bit?" "Great! We _know_ it WORKS!" he replied. "Try not to interrupt me, huh?" (Yeah, his mike was still on.) He then alternated with The Babe in introducing the team members. "A genuine threat both on and off the court, to herself and every living thing around her... right guard, and boy, could she USE it!... Elmyra Duff!" Elmyra (who STILL hadn't graduated yet) bounded onto the court, doing some fancy tricks Lola had taught her, to the cheers of the crowd, and took her place on the sidelines. "Left guard, a gal who can dribble better than a newborn calf... WHO _WROTE_ THIS?... Last year's 'Rookie Of The Year, Robin Rabbit!" Robin steamed out of the player's entrance, dribbling the ball as if she were playing 'Wipe Out!' with it, and made a hook shot in the basket on the other side of the court. "Forward, but not very, heh-heh-heh... Acme Loo's version of rabbit transit, Emily Bunny!" Emily appeared only _slightly_ nervous, but tried not to let it show. "At center, all the way from the planet Mars, the first test-tube basketball player, Marcia the Martian!" Marcia made her entrance, dribbling the ball with one hand, and building a small model of a thermonuclear reactor out of Tinkertoys with the other. For a few moments, it was anyone's guess which one she would finally toss through the hoop. Wisely, she chose the ball. She then joined the others and waited for their fifth teammate. "And finally, team captain, from... oh, Central Casting, I don't know... RuBarb!" All eyes focused on RuBarb, a gorgeous black kitten with green eyes and a lush, furry tail, which she used to bat the ball around a bit, just for show, before making a dazzling 3-pointer. From his seat in the stands, Furrball took one look and melted completely! "There's your starting five for Acme Loo, folks, the Acme Loo Girls' B-Ball Squadron, the TOONSTERS!" Sylvester said, adding, "And their coach, Lola Bunny!" The crowd cheered her presence as well. Meanwhile Sylvester grabbed a penlight as the music ended. "What's THAT for?" The Babe asked, curious. "You'll find out," he chuckled. Hastily, he added on-mike, almost as if it were an afterthought, "...And their opponents, the Perfecto Prep Squad." He then shone the penlight's beam in their faces. The only sound in the place was the well-known chirping of crickets (which was usually reserved for a certain black duck of some renown). "And their coach, Margot Mallard," he said just as hastily. This time, the gym was filled with a chorus of 'Boos'! "Whoa! Tough audience," said The Babe, as the lights came up. Sylvester smirked. "P-p-p-partisan crowd!" "Uh-huh..." The Babe knew how _that_ went; she'd been to more than one Hartford Whalers game. On the sideline, Elmyra had offered to lead the girls in a small team prayer. They bowed their heads reverently. "God help us," she began. "AMEN!" the team replied. Honey Bunny turned to Bugs. "Well, there goes the last argument for prayer in schools..." "I won't _answer_ dat..." he sighed. The whistle blew, and what followed afterwards can only be described as 'organized mayhem'. (Sorry, folks, you'll just have to imagine it!) Suffice to say, both teams gave as good as they got; and by the final minute, it was still anybody's game. Then, one of the Perfectoids fouled Elmyra all the way into the upper bleachers! A huge 'gasp!' escaped from the fans, who looked nervously at the scoreboard. There were only 20 seconds left in the game, Perfecto were ahead 115 to 110, and Acme had just lost one of their best players. ("Who, ELMYRA?" I hear you ask. "Hey, this is MY story," I reply.) To make matters worse, Margot knew it, too, and began gloating at the top of her voice. "HA! LOOK at them!" Everybody heard her (indeed, how could they _not_?) and wished that somebody would do something--ANYTHING--to shut that mallard up! "LOSERS, ALL of them! We BEAT 'em, girls, and they can't do a THING about it!" She laughed evilly, then added, triumphantly, "THIS game is _OURS_!!!" The response from the Acme bench rang louder than thunder, and sent a chill down Margot's back: "I... DON'T... _THINK_... SO!!!!!" The Acme faithful cheered wildly as, without warning, Rhubella bounded out of her wheelchair and joined her teammates near center court! "WHAT?????" was all Margot could manage. For a 'something-- ANYTHING', this would do quite nicely. "It's about time you showed up," RuBarb grinned playfully. "Things were starting to get awfully darned dull around here!" "Yeah, sure, right, whatever," Ruby smiled. "Just get me the ball!" As one, the girls assured her, "You GOT it, sister!" Ruby glanced over to the bench, where Lola whispered, "Okay, you kept us waiting this long... now show me what you _got_!" The whistle blew, and the game continued. What followed was 20 seconds of the fiercest basketball that anybody in Acme Acres could ever remember seeing. Ruby quickly sized up the situation. Acme needed 6 more points to win; and after all she'd been through, she'd be darned if she was gonna settle for a lousy tie. Rhubella Rat HATED ties! Only 2 3-pointers were good enough for her. Fortunately, the first one came easy. The second one, however, proved to be a little easier said than done. Despite excellent coverage from RuBarb and Robin, and some amazing guarding from Marcia, the ball still wound up in the nervous paws of Emily-Jane Bunny... and the Perfectoids took full advantage of her nervousness to completely surround her on almost all sides. One of the Perfectoids glared at her. "How'd a squirt like _you_ ever make the team?" she spat. That did it. Staring horrified at the opposition, with only 5 seconds left, Emily threw the ball in the wrong direction! However, Ruby was prepared, and leaped to intercept it, as the crowd counted down the seconds. "5... 4... 3... 2..." She caught it in mid-air, in 3-point range, and threw it at the Acme backboard with everything she had. It hit with such force that EVERYTHING shattered except the hoop itself, which defied gravity long enough for the ball to travel once around the rim, pause, and then lazily fall through the net as the buzzer sounded, and both hoop and ball hit the floor! The roar in that place was _deafening_! Alex managed to shake Fifi loose long enough to raise both his hands in the air and shout "YES!" And up in the booth, The Babe was hugging Sylvester! "Hey, cool it, will ya, Babe? I'm a married pussycat!" (Yeah, his mike was STILL on!) Rhubella's teammates were carrying her on their shoulders, and past a still-shocked Margot. "But... you COULDN'T... I _THOUGHT_..." Ruby smiled. "Oh, THAT old trick? I saw it on a rerun of 'Coach', so I figured, why not? Actually, I was up and around the day I got out of the hospital! The _hard_ part was trying to convince everyone I couldn't walk for over two weeks!" A wicked grin appeared on her face as her teammates... no, strike that; her _friends_... set her down on the floor. She faced Margot. This was Ruby's moment; she'd earned this. "Margot," she cooed, "do you remember what I told you about revenge?" Margot gulped. Rhubella looked around the still-crowded gymnasium, smiled, and then yelled at the top of her voice, "_DESSERT_IS_SERVED_!" That was the cue for everybody in the place to start pelting Margot with Jell-o Bombs, which--as it turned out--Ruby decided to use after all! As the Toonsters made their way to the exit, Ruby paused, glanced over her shoulder, and yelled, "I hope you like _strawberry_, Margot! BYE-EEEEEEEE!" "BYE-EEEEEEEE!" The Toonsters echoed, laughing. A look of absolute terror appeared on Margot's face. "No... not _that_... NOT STRAWBERRY...!!!" -0- The girls were taking in the night air after the game. "Say, Rhubella," asked Emily, "what was that business with the Jell-o Bombs all about?" Ruby smiled. "Well, you see, Margot's allergic to strawberry Jell-o. It makes her break out in a rash REAL bad. I figure, by the time her feathers grow back, given the amount _she_ got, the semester should be just about over with, and we won't have to deal with her the whole year!" She spotted a familiar green duck in the distance. "Hey, Plucky, how'd you do?" "Are you kidding?" he yelled back, happily. "After splitting the take with the Jell-o folks, I still managed to turn a sizable profit!" He flashed a huge wad of bills as proof. "Glad I could help!" "Anytime," she laughed, and then hugged herself exuberantly. "Oh, it feels so good to be so BAD again!" she practically shouted, adding "YAHOO!" for emphasis. "That's nice," Mary smiled. "Just don't forget whose side you're on now!" "I won't," Ruby assured her. "Believe me, I won't!" Emily spoke. "So, you didn't tell _anybody_ you could still walk?" "Hey, I had to be _convincing_, didn't I? Besides," she winked, echoing Lola's earlier statement, "us toons have a rapid recovery rate." She paused briefly. "Actually, Mary and I cooked the whole thing up!... I couldn't even let my mom in on it..." "Well, that's okay, dear, I'm sure she'll forgive you," Rhonda said, joining them after finally locating Roddy and bringing him along. "Hey, does this have anything to do with that note I gave your mom before the game?" he asked. "You could say that, yeah," Ruby answered. "You see, I had to make Margot think she'd put me out of action long enough so that it appeared I wouldn't be playing tonight; and the success of that plan hinged on whether or not Perfecto had added 'Toon Physics' to their curriculum." She smiled at Roddy. "That's why I asked you to give me just a 'yes' or 'no' answer to my second question..." "Which was, 'Are they studying 'Toon Physics' at Perfecto?'" Roddy brightened. "I get it now! Only... what would you have done if we _were_?" Rhubella's eyes twinkled mischievously, and she kissed him lightly on the cheek. "You'll never know, will you, hon?" "Okay, that's... ugh... fair," he laughed. He then turned serious. "By the way, babe, why'd you ask if I had anything to do with Margot's attack on you? I wouldn't do ANYTHING that rotten to you!" "Well, let's just say a girl likes to be sure, is all... Anyway, as I was saying, Mary and RuBarb were the only ones who knew the truth..." Ruby paused to address them. "Thanks for not spilling the beans too soon, guys..." RuBarb smiled. "No problem... Say, Rhubella, what about... well... you know...?" "Wha... Oh! The 'B.G.'s'?" "Yeah. Was _that_ part of the act, too?" Mary asked, curiously. Ruby sighed. "No, I'm afraid that part's real." Quickly reading the downcast glances on their faces, she added, brightly, "Hey, cheer up, guys! It's nothing _serious_, for pete's sake! I just have to come to grips with the fact that I'm always going to be a little... er..." "ROTTEN?" they all chorused. "Well, if you're gonna be _crude_... yeah!" she laughed. "Just try to put up with me, okay?" "Okay..." Marcia sighed. "What's wrong?" Rhubella asked. "Oh, nothing... it's just that I was hoping we could try shock therapy..." Ruby furrowed her brow. "We'll book a room for you at the Shtick Center," she said, with just a light touch of sarcasm. "By the way, has anybody seen Margot?" "I thought you'd never ask, babe," Roddy smirked. "Last I heard, they were trying to hose her down while she was scratching her feathers off!" "Did she say anything?" "Nothing intelligible; just screamed a lot of obscenities. Anyway, I think she's learned _her_ lesson..." "Which is?" Ruby raised an eyebrow. Roddy grinned. "What else? Don't mess with my girl!" He then kissed Ruby, to the soundtrack of the other girls' 'Oooooooohs!'. Ruby sighed, "Now that's what I call the satisfaction of a job well done..." -0- EPILOGUE: Bugs smiled as he strolled the grounds of Acme Loo. Maybe Rhubella really _would_ fit in with this bunch, after all, he thought. Although, in hindsight, he wished that she had let him in on what she was up to. 'Oh, well,' he told himself, 'at least she pulled it off...' He made a mental note to make sure that the wheelchair was returned to the prop department, now that Ruby didn't need it any more; the drama class was gonna stage "The Man Who Came To Dinner" next month. He smiled, and got in his Cadillac. Suddenly, the doors locked by themselves, and the interior glowed a fiery red. Bugs looked in his rear-view mirror. "What da...?" Shirley the Loon stared at him, her eyes glowing the same fiery red, an angry expression on her face. In a voice that wasn't hers so much as the vocalizing of the winds of Hades, she screamed, "WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID ABOUT YAWNI?????" "HELLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP......!!!!!!!!!!!!" ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ THE END. The End Credits: "The Return Of Mary Melody" (C) August 2/November 3, 1996; "Whatever Happened to Rhubella Rat?" and "Revenge IS Sweet..." (C) August 12/December 9, 1996. Story (C) 1996 Jerry D. Withers. Final revised version (C) February 9, 2000 by same. All Rights Reserved. With special thanks to Kevin Mickel and KeV Beeley (Thanks, guys!) WB Characters: (C) 1996 Warner Bros./Amblin Entertainment, used without permission, but with respect and just the slightest bit of irreverence. The following characters ARE original, and were loaned by their creators (Thanks, guys!): "Rhonda Rat" and "RuBarb" (C) 1996 Jerry D. Withers [See the first two parts of this cycle, "...(slightly) Monumental..." and "...Breaking Up..." for Rhonda's other guest shots.] "Robin Rabbit" [from "Welcome Back!] (C) 1996 Colin Feder. "Emily Bunny" [from "Rivals" and "What's Up, Duck?"] (C) 1996 KeV Beeley. "Eric Bunny" [from "Rivals" and "What's Up, Duck?"] (C) 1996 KeV Beeley and Dennis Falk. "Alex Redolence" ["The Legend Of The Deed To Acme Acres", "Transfer Student" and "Le Wedding de Fifi LaFume"] (C) 1996 Jeremy J Jurrens. Again, I can't thank you guys enough for letting me play with your characters (so to speak ;D)! As I mentioned elsewhere, this story was a pain in the neck to post, but a whole heckuvva lotta fun to create! (Even though I know NOTHING about basketball!...which should be obvious by now!!) Additional thanx to my slightly older, allegedly smarter brother Lee for coming up with the "Lola business" line and Honey Bunny's subjects in Part 2. (And delayed thanx to him for coughing up the name "Hareball"! [See "Once Around The Writer's Block".]) And as always, thanks once again to Kevin for posting this monstrosity, The Tri-Cities Free-Net for giving me the webspace to do it, and the Mid-Columbia Library, (Pasco, WA, branch), for the computers. This has been another work of fanfic, and if you want to take it as canon, hey, go 'head! MORAL OF THE STORY: ___________________ I HATE SNOW!!!!!! (C) 1996 JERRY D. WITHERS. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++