"Miranda"
                    by JERRY D. WITHERS (Furrball T. Cat)
                             (jwithers@tcfn.org)

                                      -0-

     Rhubella Rat had just arrived for another day of Acme Loo-nacy...
early, as it turned out; which was fine with her, but probably even
finer with her teachers. Being what you would call "fashionably late"
may have been the norm at Perfecto Prep, but it was frowned upon at
Acme.
     She was about ready to climb the stairs that led to the main
entrance when she heard a loud klaxxon horn and an equally loud
"Gangway! Coming through!!" that so unnerved her that her books went
flying in every direction, and she almost did the same thing!
     Gathering her books, and unleashing her temper, she spun around
fiercely, yelling, "Hey, why don't you watch where I'm going?" And then,
she got quite a shock. The object of Ruby's wrath looked up at her from
where she was sitting, a nervous expression on her bespectacled face.
     "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," she said -- quietly this
time.
     She was a mere slip of a girl, Ruby noted; not even worth losing
her temper at... but that's not what unsettled her. Ruby found herself
fudging for words. "Oh, er, um, that's all right..." Ruby wasn't very
comfortable at this point, and it showed.
     "Something wrong?" the girl asked, quietly again. "Or are you just
not used to seeing a toon in a wheelchair?"
     Ruby thought for a nanosecond. In her Perfecto Prep days, someone
like this girl would've been laughed off campus, and Ruby would have
been the one leading the pack. However, her brief time recuperating from
Margot Mallard's attack, and her own time in a wheelchair, had given her
a bit of understanding of the problems one would face in that situation.
Not a lot, of course; but enough... or so she thought. "Sorry," she
finally had to admit. "I guess you're right..."
     "It's okay, really," the girl sighed. "You aren't the first, and
you won't be the last..." At this point, some of Ruby's classmates
arrived.
     "Hey, Rhubella," the sexy black kitten known as 'RuBarb' asked,
"who's this?"
     "_This_, as you so indelicately put it, is...is..." Ruby looked at
the girl quizzically. "Say, who _are_ you, anyway?"
     "Oh, where are my manners?" she asked.
     "In your other suit?" Ruby replied with a grin.
     "Could be," she shrugged. "I'm Miranda Mink." She offered a paw in
Ruby's direction. Ruby shook it, and nearly had a conniption when it
came out of her sleeve, unattached! "Sorry again," she grinned, as her
_real_ paw popped out of the sleeve, as if on cue. "I _love_ pulling
that one on folks I haven't met for the first time!"
     "I take it you don't meet a lot of folks, then?" Ruby gasped, still
recovering from the 'joke'. "I'm Rhubella Rat, this is RuBarb, that's
Emily, there's Eric, Mortimer, Robin...and over _there_," she added,
pointing nowhere in particular, "is what's left of my nerves!"
     Robin asked, "So, Miranda, are you a new student here?"
     Miranda nodded enthusiastically. "Yes. I'm hoping to major in
either 'Rocket Science' or 'Sight Gags'."
     "I'd say you have a head start in the latter direction," Emily
giggled, ignoring the dirty look that Rhubella was giving her.
     "So, when do classes start around here?" Miranda asked.
     "Usually the second we set foot through the doors," Eric said
balefully.
     Ruby suddenly appeared thoughtful. "Hmmm...say, how are we going to
get you up those stairs, anyway?" she asked, looking at the stairway.
     Miranda scrunched up her face as if she were thinking about it
seriously, finally shrugged, and said, "That _is_ a sticky one, isn't
it? Tell you what," she added, as she pressed a button on the left side
of her wheelchair, causing a small helicopter device to appear from the
back, which carried her, chair and all, up over the stairs and set her
down at the doorway. "When you come up with an answer, let me know!"
     The gang looked in awe at her, then at Ruby, who smacked herself in
the forehead and asked, "HOW could I tell she was going to do _that_?"

                                     -0-

     Of course, there was barely time for anybody to answer that
question before the first period bell rang. Ruby took it upon herself to
escort Miranda to the registration office. Mainly because there was a
question that was nagging at her. "Um, Miranda," she asked, "I hope you
won't think I'm being nosy..."
     "You want to know what happened to me, right?" she replied
brightly.
     "Ummm...yeah."
     "Same old story. An anvil fell on me."
     Ruby stopped in her tracks. "Now hold it right there, sister! I
know enough about toon physics to know that a falling anvil isn't
supposed to cause us toons any permanent damage..."
     Miranda gave her a weak smile. "I guess they haven't taught you
_everything_ about that, then..."
     Now Ruby's curiousity was peaked even more. "Oh? What do you mean?"
     "It's true a falling anvil can't do us any permanent harm," Miranda
replied, pausing for emphasis, "if it lands on us _flat_. Unfortunately,
_I_ caught it at the corner of the base..." She pulled back her long
brown hair and pointed to a scar on the back of her neck. "Right there,"
she added, as calmly as if she were discussing the weather. Rhubella
winced just thinking about it.
     "Gee, kid, I'm sor..."
     Suddenly Miranda became angry. "Don't SAY that! The LAST thing I
need is for people to feel _sorry_ for me!"
     "Ummm...whatever you say..." Ruby answered nervously, regretting
that she'd even brought the subject up in the first place.
     Just as quickly, Miranda calmed down. "I'm sorry, Rhubella, I didn't
mean to blow up at you like that..."
     "It's okay," she sighed. "It's my fault for being an idiot..."
     "Well, at least you didn't blame the school system," Miranda
laughed.
     "*HA* _Ha_ ha!" Ruby replied, in that familiar staccato laugh that
was her trademark. "Well," she added, "let's get you registered."
Thinking to herself, she added, 'The sooner, the better. I can live
without any more surprises today!'
     Little did she realize it, but Miranda wasn't through surprising
Ruby... or anybody else, for that matter. She had one more surprise in
store -- and _nobody_ would be expecting it...

                                    -0-

     "It" happened in, of all places, Weenie Burgers. Ruby had offered
to buy Miranda what she called "the cream of Acme Acres junk food."
     "What's it made of?" Miranda asked.
     "Cream," RuBarb whispered.
     "Whipped?" Miranda asked.
     "Cleansing," Rhubella said with a wink.
     "Oh my gosh..." Miranda moaned. "They're trying to _poison_ me..."
This light and fluffy banter was rudely interrupted by the sudden
presence of the Perfecto Prep ladies b-ball team and their coach, Margot
Mallard.
     "Well, well, well, if it isn't the Acme Loo little girls' squad,"
Margot insinuated. The rest of the Perfectoids hooted with derision.
Rhubella just glared at them.
     "Pay her no attention," she said through clenched teeth, "and if
we're lucky, they'll go away." However, it appeared luck was not going
to be with them that day.
     Margot approached Rhubella, casting a contemptuous glance at Miranda
as she did so. "So, Ruby," she said evilly, "did you finally abdicate your
throne for somebody who really _needed_ it?" The other Perfectoids
laughed along with her. Rhubella was appalled.
     "Margot, I'd take that _back_ if I were you..."
     "Yeah? Well, you're _not_ me, Rat! So why don't you take your
little _pushtoy_...?" That was all Ruby needed to hear.
     "WHAT?!?" Ruby's eyes started glowing bright red, which was the
initial sign for all heck to break loose. RuBarb hissed and revealed her
claws.
     And as for Miranda, she closed her eyes, dreading what was about to
happen, as if somehow the act of closing her eyes could make it stop.
"Oh, no," she whispered, trembling, "not _again_..." But before anybody
knew what was happening, Miranda suddenly went into a rapid spin change!
When she stopped, she was outfitted in a karate outfit, complete with
black belt...and she was _standing_! "HI-YAAAAH!!" she yelled, taking on
Margot and her group and dispatching them like a trained martial-arts
expert!
     At that moment, Walker, Texas Ranger (played by the beloved Chuck
Norris) dashed in, and Miranda made short work of _him_ as well! "THAT'S
for calling yourself an _actor_!" she yelled fiercely.
     He slinked out of the place moaning, "Medic!"
     Rhubella and RuBarb looked at each other in total shock. _Something_
was not quite right here! As Margot and her goons managed to crawl out
the doors of Weenie Burgers, Ruby yelled, "And that's just a _sample_!"
She then turned to Miranda. "Just _WHAT_ in the heck was all _that_
about?" Miranda would've answered, but at that moment, she went into
another spin change; when she stopped, she was in her previous outfit,
and had a dazed look in her eyes.
     "Rhubella?" she asked weakly.
     "Yes?"
     "Catch me..." And with that, her legs buckled from underneath her,
and she collapsed into Ruby's arms. RuBarb quickly helped Ruby get her
back into her wheelchair.
     "I thought..." RuBarb said, confused.
     "Yeah, so did _I_..." added Ruby suspiciously. "Miranda, did we
see what we just thought we saw?" Miranda only nodded silently. Ruby
continued. "Miranda, I want you to be honest with us... do you really
_need_ this getup?"
     "Mostly, yes," she replied, still recovering from what had just
happened. "I can't explain it, Ruby; but ever since the accident, I'll
have times when I go into these spin changes, and I can't control
them..."
     "You mean that wasn't _planned_?" RuBarb asked incredulously.
     "It... it never is," Miranda said, a single tear falling from her blue
eyes. "I never know _how_ I'm going to wind up when it happens; I don't know
how long it'll last... I only know I _HATE_ it, 'cause every time it's over,
I wind up right back in this darn _chair_ again!" She began to sob quietly
on Ruby's shoulder.
     "Gee, can't we do anything for her?" RuBarb asked sympathetically.
     "Us? Afraid not," Ruby replied softly... before being struck with an
idea that was, to coin a phrase, so crazy that it just might work. "But
I _think_ I know someone who _can_..."
     "Oh? Who's that?"
     Rhubella smiled, and uttered a single name:
     "Babs..."

                                      -0-

     They decided to meet Babs at Weenie Burgers, as there was just no
way they could get Miranda's chair into that burrow, regardless of
_what_ kind of gadgets it had. Babs arrived almost as soon as Ruby hung
up the phone. Ruby informed her of everything that had happened that
day.
     Miranda was curious. "Is she a doctor?"
     Babs grinned. "No, but I played one on T.V.!"
     "Trust us," RuBarb added. "If there's _anybody_ around Acme Acres
who knows anything at all about spin changes, it's Babs."
     "Well, if you say so," Miranda replied, unconvinced.
     Meanwhile, Babs was engaged in some serious thinking (which was
unusual for her). Finally, she spoke up. "Miranda, do these spin changes
happen often?"
     The mink shook her head. "No, not often... only when I'm extremely
tense."
     Babs continued. "And you've _never_ been able to do them before the
accident?"
     Miranda shook her head.
     Babs scratched her head with her left ear. "Well, I don't know what
to tell ya, kid. I've never _heard_ of such a thing, to be honest. I
_might_ be able to teach you how to gain a handle on those spins..."
     "What do you mean?" Miranda asked.
     "Oh, you know, get a little more control over when they happen, how
they'll turn out... you know, stuff like that..."
     "Uh-huh," Miranda replied flatly, still skeptical.
     "But as to _why_ it's happening, I got no idea. Sorry, kid..."
     "Hey!" RuBarb said. "You know who I bet could figure this out?" She
didn't wait for anybody to answer. "Professor Wile E.!"
     "As in 'Coyote'?" Miranda asked.
     "The same," the furry black kitten responded. "HE should be able to
get to the bottom of this, if anybody can!"
     The other girls considered this. "It _sounds_ like it's worth a
shot," Babs agreed.
     Ruby bit her lip. That didn't stop her from _thinking_ that she had
serious doubts about a so-called 'super genius' (who couldn't even rely
on gadgets from the Acme Corporation to help him catch a Road Runner)
being able to help Miranda, no matter _how_ brilliant he said he was.
But, Ruby was out of ideas, and Babs proved to be just this side of a
washout, so she shrugged and said, "I'm in if Miranda is..."

                                      -0-

     They found Wile E. in the Acme Loo science lab, and quickly
explained the situation to him. "Hmmm, interesting, from a toon physics
standpoint," he said. "A most unfortunate trade-off, as it were, if you
don't mind me saying so." Actually, Miranda _did_ mind him saying so,
but she figured it wouldn't do any good for her to blow up at one of her
teachers. Wile E. continued. "The corner of the base of the anvil, you
say?" He pulled out a book from his bookshelf, titled "Toon Trauma", and
began to read in the section marked 'Anvils', humming to himself as he
did so. Finally, he stopped. "Ah, yes, here it is!" he declared. "It seems
there was a similar case back in Terrytown in 1927... let me see..." He
read the paragraph to himself again, just to make sure he was reading
it right.
     Babs, however, was becoming impatient. "So what happened? Is it
reversible?"
     Wile E. looked up from his book, slightly irritated. "I see
_someone_ in this room has not matured after graduation," he replied
sarcastically, looking straight at Babs.
     Babs walked over and put an arm around him. "There, there, don't
blame yourself, Prof; some of us can't adjust to life after
school... have you considered therapy?"
     Wile E. allowed himself to become momentarily flustered by this.
"Well... er... I've been so _busy_ lately..." Then he regained his senses.
"REALLY!" he snapped indignantly, as Babs rolled on the floor, laughing
her head off.
     "Babs!" Miranda replied, shocked.
     "What's he gonna do, keep me after school?" she snickered.
     Wile E. sighed. "Lagomorphs!" He went back to his book.
     "What happened?" Miranda asked nervously.
     "I'm afraid you don't want to know..."
     Miranda's face fell. "So it's hopeless, isn't it?"
     "I never said _that_, young lady..." Wile E. said, unemotionally.
     "Yeah, well, thanks for all your _help_," Miranda snapped
caustically, and wheeled out the door before they could stop her.
     "Miranda, wait!" Ruby yelled, racing after her. Babs and RuBarb
just stood there, not knowing how to react.
     "Impetuous young girl, isn't she?" Wile E. muttered half-aloud.

                                      -0-

     It didn't take Rhubella long to catch up with Miranda. "Hold it!"
she yelled. "Wait up!"
     Miranda spun around and glared angrily at Ruby. "What _for_? I
already _know_ I'm gonna be like this for the rest of my life, so what
_good_ am I gonna be to anybody?" She was so angry that she didn't even
notice how tense she was becoming... but Ruby noticed. By this point,
Babs, RuBarb and Wile E. had caught up with them.
     "Babs?" Ruby whispered, frightened at this point as to what Miranda
might do next.
     "Gotcha," Babs whispered back. "Miranda, calm down, okay? Take some
deep breaths and think funny thoughts..."
     There was something in the way Babs spoke... or maybe it was the
unusual suggestion itself. Miranda repeated what Babs had told her.
"Take deep breaths? Think funny thoughts?" Babs nodded. Miranda
attempted to do as she was told, inhaling deeply, then saying, "There
was a young girl from Pawtucket..."
     "NOT _THAT_ THOUGHT!" Babs shrieked, more afraid of what Miranda
might _say_ than of what she might possibly change into!
     "Sorry," Miranda said quickly, in between deep breaths and trying
to come up with some funny thoughts that were, at the very least,
G-rated. Finally, it appeared she settled on one, as she emitted a
rapid-fire giggle that, coming from anyone else, would've been annoying,
but from her, was kind of cute. It didn't stop her from spin changing,
of course; but when she stopped, everyone was amazed at her appearance.
She looked just like... like... Babs!
     "Miranda?" Babs went up for a closer look. "Is that _you_ under all
that?"
     "Ooops! I guess I thought a little _too_ hard_," she blushed.
     "Just _what_ were you thinking, anyway?" RuBarb asked.
     "I was thinking about one of my favorite movies," she smiled. "'How
I Spent My Vacation'."
     "Any particular scene?" Babs asked her.
     "Yeah," Miranda giggled again... before pulling out a water pistol
and shooting Babs in the tail with it!
     "YAAAAAGH!" Babs screamed, jumping up a good 15 feet. When she
landed, she was not amused. "Why you little..."
     Miranda smiled. "Sorry...but _you're_ the one who told me to think
funny thoughts!"
     "I was hoping you'd be a little more original, is all," Babs
grimaced.
     "I'll try better next time," said the mink, before spin changing
back to her previous form. "I think I'll sit the rest of this one out,"
she added. With that, she walked back to her wheelchair and sat down. It
wasn't until a good few seconds later that it hit her. "Hey, wait a
minute!" she said in disbelief. "I've _never_ been able to do that
before!"
     "Do what?" Rhubella asked, confused.
     "Control what you changed into?" added Babs.
     "No," Miranda said thoughtfully. "Well, yeah, that also. I just
meant that I've never been able to get back in my chair under my own
power before!"
     "Really?" Wile E. pondered this. "Now that _is_ something that
should be looked into..." Already an idea was forming in his (so-called
mighty) brain.
     "What are you thinking, Prof?" Ruby asked, her curiousity peaking.
     "Oh...just _something_..." he hinted vaguely. "Miranda, would you
do something for me?"
     "What?"
     "Would you try... crossing your legs?"
     "WHAT?" Miranda couldn't believe this request.
     Wile E. smiled. "Just try it..."
     "Okay," Miranda shrugged, and started to reach for her right leg,
before Wile E. stopped her.
     "Not like that," he said. "Just _do_ it..."
     "Thank you, Professor Nike!" Babs quipped. Wile E. shot her a
pained look. "Sorry," Babs muttered.
     Miranda closed her eyes... scrunched up her face... took a deep
breath or two, as if she were an Olympic weight lifter... and kept her
eyes closed until the gasps from the girls caused her to open them. To
their surprise... and especially hers... she actually _did_ it! "Did... did
I do _that_?" she asked excitedly.
     "You did, kid!" Ruby answered, not believing what she was seeing,
either.
     "I... I never thought I'd _do_ that again!" Miranda yelled happily,
as if she'd just discovered a cure for Plucky Duck. She started to stand
up... but her legs gave out from under her, and she toppled over.
Fortunately, Rhubella caught her.
     "I could've told you not to try and overdo it on the first day,"
she said with a wink.
     "And I would have believed you, too!" Miranda replied. "That's my
second biggest weakness, I guess; I tend to believe _anything_ anybody
tells me..."
     That's when the light went on over Wile E.'s head. "Miranda," he
asked, "when you had your accident, did you see a doctor?"
     "Yes..."
     "Did the doctor tell you you'd never walk again?"
     Miranda's voice broke. "Y... yes," she whispered.
     "I see... by any chance, did you believe him?"
     Miranda only nodded.
     "I _thought_ so," Wile E. mused. "Miranda, is it possible to get a
copy of your medical records?"
     "I... I think so," she said, as Ruby helped her back into her chair.
"Why?"
     "If I'm correct, it appears our little friend here may have been
laboring under a _serious_ misapprehension!"
     "Rhubella... does he mean what I think he means?" Miranda asked,
starting to hope against hope. "_Whatever_ he means?"
     "I think he means," Rhubella said, "you may never have needed to be
in that chair in the _first_ place!"

                                      -0-

     The mood in the waiting room at the Acme Hospital was tense, to say
the least, with Rhubella doing most of the pacing.
     "So tell me, Prof," Babs asked, "what was your first indication...
did it have something to do with that incident in Terrytown?"
     Wile E. grinned. "Of course not, silly child. There never _was_ any
such incident!"
     RuBarb was incredulous. "You mean you made that up?"
     "Guilty, as charged," he replied. "To us toons, it doesn't matter
_what_ part of the anvil you get hit with; it's all the same. Miranda
was merely the victim, if you will, of her own overly trusting nature,
and some medical incompetence!" He looked down the hall. "Ah, here comes
the delightful topic of conversation now!" he said, as Miranda wheeled
into view, looking happier than she'd been in... well, years.
     "Well, Miranda, what did they have to say?" Ruby asked.
     "'Eighty-five dollars, please!'" she giggled.
     "I didn't mean _that_..." Ruby groaned.
     "Oh... turns out the Prof was right. They _did_ misdiagnose me."
She paused, unsure of her emotions at this point. "They told me I'd
never walk again, and I believed it for the last five years..." Her
voice trailed off. "I guess that'll teach me to be so trusting..."
     "Hey, don't say that!" Babs said. "You trusted _us_, didn't you?
And things turned out okay, right?" Miranda had to agree with her there.
     "You're right, Babs," she smiled. "Thank you... all of you."
     "So, how soon will you be up and around?" RuBarb asked, adding
hesitantly, "that is... um..._if_ you'll be..."
     Miranda sighed. "Not for a while, yet, I'm afraid. I need to do
some heavy therapy to get these legs back into shape, so I'll still be
stuck in _this_ thing for a while." Then she smiled. "But not for _too_
much longer, I hope. After all..." She then went into another spin
change, emerging in an Acme Loo basketball uniform. "...I've got a score
to settle with that bunch from Perfecto, and I want to be able to do it
on my own two feet!" She changed back and sat down, satisfied that, for
once, she'd actually managed a spin change on _her_ terms.
     "You know something, kid?" Rhubella smiled. "I believe you _will_!"

                                      -0-

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

(C) August 15, 1997 by Jerry D. Withers. "Rhubella Rat", "Mortimer
Bunny", Margot Mallard", and "Babs Bunny" (C) 1997 Warner Bros./Amblin.
"Wile E. Coyote" (C) 1997 Warner Bros. Used without permission (as
usual). The following original characters are used pursuant to
permission from their respective creators: "Eric & Emily Bunny" (C) 1997
KeV Beeley and Dennis Falk; "Robin Rabbit" (C) 1997 Colin Feder;
"Miranda Mink" and "RuBarb" (C) 1997 by ME! :D (With a tip of the ol'
laptop to "Zax" for suggesting the whole idea in the first place, and
also for suggesting that Miranda is a mink.) And of course, a nod to the
usual suspects (Kevin for posting this, the Tri-Cities Free-Net for the
email, and especially the Mid-Columbia Library, Pasco WA branch, for
data retrieval above and beyond the call of duty. Otherwise, Miranda
would still be stuck in my laptop!)

The beloved Chuck Norris appears courtesy of the CBS Television
Nutworks.

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