"PARALLELS" by Jerry D. Withers (Furrball T. Cat) [jwithers@tcfn.org] Volume Two: "PARALLEL BARS (Or, 'The 14kt Rabbit Returns!')" =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= NOTE: This is, yep, you guessed it, the much-delayed sequel to Vol. 1, "Parallel Parking" which introduced our friends from that other tooniverse known as 'Perfecto Plaza'. (If you haven't already, I suggest you drop whatever you're doing right now and rummage through that story first to really understand what's going on in _this_ one. Go ahead. I'll wait. If you're _already_ familiar with Vol. 1, then forget what I just said. You'll be happy to learn, I hope, that _this_ story is nowhere near as dark in tone as its predecessor was. Let The Show Begin... =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -0- Acme Forest looked lovely this time of year, thought Rebecca Rat; but then again, she was still a newcomer to Acme Acres (having recently arrived from a parallel tooniverse named 'Perfecto Plaza'.) It had taken her a bit of time to fully adjust to the place... about a week. It was so different from the world she'd left behind. Much more... 'Oh, what was the word everybody kept using?' she thought. 'Oh yeah,' she laughed at last. 'Looney.' She liked that. She could get used to the air of comedy that just seemed to pervade the place... and yet, most everyone she'd met reminded her of old friends back... 'No,' she told herself. 'THIS is my home now. Besides, in parallel tooniverses, you're _supposed_ to run into exact doubles of yourself and people you know, although they may tend to _act_ differently. And boy, the people in Acme Acres are certainly bearing witness to that old sci-fi convention!' "Oh, there you are!" Rebecca recognized that voice almost as much as she recognized her own... with good reason. "Hey, Ruby," she called back. "So, what are you doing here?" "What are ANY of us doing here?" Rebecca began pontificating. "I believe it was Kierkegaard who summed it up best when he said..." "Knock it off, you know what I mean!" Rhubella laughed. Rebecca looked at her double innocently. "No, I believe what he said was, 'Husker du, who poured Valvoline on my Svedish meatballs?'" Ruby shook her head. "You know something, you stick around here much longer, you're gonna wind up as crazy as the rest of us!" "That's the idea," Rebecca smiled. As far as she was concerned, if life in Acme Acres was insanity, bring it on! A familiar voice (what, another one?) came out of left field (or just off stage). "Hey, rat babes, what's cookin'?" It was Buster, of course. "Nothing, Buster, it's my day off," Becky replied in all sincerity. Ruby sighed and shook her head. "It's an expression, Rebecca," she told her. "You know, like 'How's things?' or 'How's tricks?', or..." "Eh, what's up, Doc?" "Yeah, like... Bugs!" Ruby spun around, surprised to see her mentor here. "You were expecting maybe Yosemite Sam?" Bugs Bunny laughed. "So, dis is da goil you been tellin' me about?" He extended a gloved paw. "How do ya do, miss..." "Rebecca," she answered, shaking his hand warmly. "And you must be Bugs Bunny. I've heard so much about you..." "Really?" "Yeah," Becky smiled, "but I can't believe everything Daffy tells me." "Um... yeah. Listen, kid, just between us, if Daffy's the extent of your coicle of friends, den I'd say, get some new friends!" "I'm trying, sir..." "Call me 'Bugs', okay... gee, I feel like I've had dis conversation before," he winked at Ruby, who merely shrugged. "So, Buster, you an' Babs ready?" "Just about," he said. "If she ever wakes up..." "She got a t'ing about weekends, huh?" "Yeah," Buster laughed. "How she manages to sleep late and still cram 25 hours into the rest of her day is something I'll never understand!" "It's a toon thing," Babs said, appearing suddenly. "So, Rebecca, what's cookin'?" "Let's not go through that again," Ruby sighed, giving Babs a look that said, 'Don't start; it's too early in the day...' -0- The new mayor of Perfecto Plaza was worried. Sure, outwardly, he had no reason to be; goodness knows, he was infinitely more popular than the last guy to hold the job. In fact, a rubberized lug nut would've been equally as popular by comparison; however, the place needed a mayor who could actually _do_ something; so, reluctantly, he was the guy for the job. He had to admit, it did make a change from being the leader of a small band of armed rebel freedom fighters - although not much of a change, since most of them were now members of his cabinet. 'Good thing, too,' he thought. He needed people he could rely on, even if the whole shebang was just a temporary gig. That, however, wasn't what had him worried at the moment. He sighed, took a sip of his carrot juice screwdriver, and thought deeply. If the _rightful_ mayor were only here, maybe SHE'D know what to do. He set down his drink, and picked up his phone, dialing the number of the one guy he knew could talk her out of her self-imposed exile. Who knew? Maybe she could talk her crazy new friends from Acme Acres into helping him. It was worth a try... -0- "So, kiddo, how're ya takin' to da place?" Bugs asked Rebecca. "The _mall_?" she asked incredulously. Bugs chuckled to himself, unsure if this newcomer's 'innocent' persona was a total put-on, or maybe a p-sychological response to whatever she'd been through in her home world. He tried again. "Er, no, I meant Acme Acres..." "Oh!" She laughed in embarrassment. "I'm sorry... I guess after the initial shock wears off, it's..." She fumbled for the right words. "Well, I couldn't have picked a better tooniverse, Bugs." "You look like you're enjoying yourself," he commented. "Forgive me for askin' though, but ain't dere anyt'in' ya miss at all about Perfecto Plaza?" She had to think about it for a few seconds. "All things being equal, Bugs, yes; but they're all a part of my past..." She sighed, fingering the ring Catastrophe had given her before she'd left. Bugs had never seen a ring like it before. The detail was undescribably exquisite. The most striking feature of it was the twin mounted stones. One looked like a garnet or a ruby - it was red, anyway. The other was, as near as he could fathom, a perfect emerald. She noticed Bugs looking at the ring, and smiled shyly. "It was a going away gift," was all she said about it. For Bugs, that was enough; no need to pry any further. Buster, Babs and Ruby returned at that moment, looking like the toons that swallowed the Weenie Burger (How's THAT for an analogy, hmmm?). "Okay, you t'ree, what are youse up to?" The girls just giggled. "Buster?" "Sorry, pop, it's a surprise." "Oh, well, if it's a _surprise_..." With that, the girls each pulled Rebecca by one arm. "Come along, Beckums," Ruby hinted. "Where to?" "You'll find out," Babs added. She then turned to Buster and Bugs. "Catch you later. Bye-eee!" And off they went, leaving the guys behind. Bugs knew it wouldn't do any good to ask Buster anything more about... whatever those two were up to. He just hoped it wasn't illegal, immoral, or fattening. -0- When the girls returned less than an hour later, Bugs and Buster noticed that Babs and Ruby were doing their darndest to conceal something - or rather, someone - behind them. Babs spoke. "Gentlemen..." "Where?" Bugs asked. Buster poked him in the side. "I think she means us..." Babs ignored them, and started over. "Gentlemen, may we introduce to you... the new Rebecca Rat!" Babs and Ruby stepped aside, and Bugs and Buster's jaws dropped. Before, Rebecca was merely, well, pretty, in a plain sort of way. But _now_... she was, as they say, drop-dead gorgeous! The most striking part of the makeover was that now, she looked absolutely NOTHING like Rhubella. "I shoulda guessed you'da gone ta Petunia's Beauty Salon," Bugs said, when he finally found his voice. Rebecca smiled. "The girls were right. Petunia gives good makeover!" This brought an embarrassed chorus of throat clearing and hiding heads in hands from the girls. "What? Did I say something risque?" "Er... we'll tell you some other time," Ruby answered, having never felt more embarrassed in her life! "Preferably, when there's none of THEM present!" she added, pointing to Bugs and Buster. "Have we been insulted?" Bugs asked Buster. "Constantly," Buster told Bugs. -0- "Gee, I'll bet they'd never recognize you back..." Ruby stopped herself in mid-sentence. "Well, you know..." "It's okay, Ruby," Rebecca rushed to reassure her. "I was thinking the same thing..." She looked at her ring again, and saw that the jewels seemed to be... blinking. "Guess what?" she asked, a little apprehensively. "What?" the gang all chorused. "I think we're about to see if Ruby's correct!" "Not again!" Babs whined, and prepared to cover her ears. Imagine her - and their - surprise when, instead, the doors of an elevator materialized in the middle of the Acme Mega Mall parking lot, complete with a pert, accompanying "Ding!" The disembodied doors opened, and Rebecca screamed. However, this was no scream of terror. "CATASTROPHE!" She rushed to hug him joyously. "Eh... hi, guys," he said, slightly embarrassed by Becky's sudden display of affection. "Is _everybody_ in this dimension always so friendly?" "Not usually," Buster laughed. "Welcome to Earth, third rock from the sun..." "Hold it, Buster," Babs warned him. "Use any more and we'll have to pay royalties to Joe Diffie!" "Yeah?" Ruby added caustically. "Well, use that joke again, and we'll have to pay royalties to Stan Freberg!" She addressed the coyote-from-another-world. "Don't tell me you don't recognize Rebecca!" He stopped to whistle admiringly. "Boy, has this tooniverse been good to you, or WHAT?" "Yeah, sure, whatever," she replied lazily. "I see you fixed the portal..." "I modified it somewhat, yeah," he admitted modestly. "So, what brings you all this way?" Buster asked. "I take it this isn't a social call..." "Er, no, not really," he finally admitted, looking at Rebecca. "HE wants to see you." She sighed. "I knew it couldn't last forever... all right, but I hope you made it clear I'm NOT staying..." "He knows. He just wants your advice, is all." Rebecca studied him closely. He'd have no reason to lie to her, she thought. Catastrophe held the doors open, and looked at the others. "Well, are you guys just gonna stand there?" "You mean HE wants to see _us_, too?" Babs asked. Catastrophe nodded. "Yeah. There's something he thinks you ought to see for yourselves," he hinted invitingly. Buster sighed good-naturedly. "Someday my natural curiosity's gonna get me in real trouble..." "Someday?" Babs fired back, as they entered the portal. Bugs and Ruby shrugged and followed, wondering what else could happen today. "Nobody's forced _you_ to come along, Bugs," Babs told him. "On the contrary," Catastrophe grinned, looking at Bugs. "HE'LL be disappointed if you don't show up!" "'HE' doesn't want me for dinner, does 'HE'?" Bugs cocked an eyebrow at the coyote. "Whoever 'HE' is..." "Of course not... move to the back of the car, please," Catastrophe added, laughing at his own private joke. At that exact moment, who should arrive but Plucky and Shirley. After getting over the initial shock of seeing an elevator car in the middle of the Acme Mega Mall parking lot, and seeing Buster and Babs inside of it, they ventured closer. "Hi, guys," Catastrophe waved to them. "Hi... oh, not _you_ again!" Plucky groaned. "Like, quiet or some junk!" Plucky turned around and started to go the other way. "Forget it, no way, I'm not going in there, and nothing you can say can change my mind!" Plucky was adamant. "Okay," Buster replied, "but if you leave now, your part in this story will be reduced to a mere cameo." Plucky reconsidered. "Except _that_..." he said, grabbing Shirley by the arm and dragging her to the 'elevator'. "Can we get going?" Buster asked cheerfully. No sooner had the front doors closed, than the back wall slid open, revealing the new, improved lab. "Say, you really HAVE modified this thing, haven't you?" he asked in amazement. "So, tell me, Catastrophe, if you're in here, then who's at the controls?" Catastrophe pointed at a console. "HE is!" Buster should've guessed. "UKARIAH!" "Hi guys. What kept you?" Buster's double grinned. Making sure everyone had arrived safely, he switched off the console. The elevator disappeared like a dot on a TV set, and Rebecca's ring stopped blinking. "Highway traffic, you know how it is," Rebecca told him. "I believe you wanted to see me about something?" He approached the group. "Yeah..." He stopped when he saw Bugs. "My gosh... it's really YOU!" He dashed out of the room and returned an instant later with a box and a felt-tip pen. "And all this time I thought you were a cartoon!" He handed the box and pen to Bugs, who inspected the box. It was a videotape from the Warner Bros. Golden Jubilee 24 Karat Collection; specifically, "Bugs Bunny's Wacky Adventures". "Would you mind?" he asked bashfully. "Heh heh, not at all," Bugs replied. "Eh, how do you spell dat name?" "U-k-a-r-i-a-h." "Duly noted," Bugs said, signing the video carton. "I ain't seen one of dese in YEARS! Where did YOU find it?" "Yeah," Buster joined in, also curious. "Last I heard was some wild story that the last complete set fell into a black hole!" Ukariah smiled. "Just between us, Buster, that was NO wild story!" "You mean--?" Babs added. "Yep!" He turned to look admiringly at Rebecca. "Boy, life in another tooniverse sure has been good to you, Beckums!" "We already did that line," Rhubella smiled. "Ruby? You're here, too?" 'Uke' asked, frankly surprised to see her. Before she could reply, he gave her a hug and a _very_ passionate kiss! "Wh-what was that for?" she asked, flabbergasted. "Because I didn't get a chance to give you a _proper_ goodbye last time," he smiled. Ruby had to sit down and fan herself. With anything. "Maybe not," she said finally, "but you sure know how to give a girl a heckuva HELLO!" "Perks of politics," Plucky muttered to Shirley. "So, why did you call for us?" Buster asked, quickly changing the subject. "Oh, that..." Ukariah turned serious. "Well, it's more to do with Beckums, actually." He turned to his old friend. "I'm in a bit of trouble, and I thought maybe you could help." "How so?" "Well," he said nervously, "when we were going over the books from the last administration, such as it was, I noticed there was a tremendous deficit in the treasury." "Yes?" "Well... there's no way to say it other than to come right out with it..." "Go on..." He sighed. "We think your father might have embezzled the city funds..." He let out another sigh, and waited for her reaction. "That wouldn't surprise me a bit," Rebecca snarled. "But if he'd spent it - even PART of it..." "No, you don't understand," Catastrophe added. "He couldn't have spent ANY of it!" "Why? Is it, like, junk bonds or some junk?" Shirley asked. "Er, no... actually, it's in the form of solid gold bars!" Dollar signs appeared in Plucky's eyes. "How much are we talkin', here?" "A hundred billion," Ukariah noted. "Oh, is THAT all?... A HUNDRED BILLION?!?" Plucky gasped, salivating with greed. Buster picked up a nearby golf club and whomped the duck silly with it. "Down, boy, down," was all Buster said, with a benign expression on his face. "Now now, play nice," Babs advised them. "I'm sorry, guys," Rebecca sighed sadly, "but I never heard him mention any such thing... of course, you gotta remember I wasn't exactly home a lot the last few years..." "Oh, yeah," Ukariah apologized, "I forgot..." She took his hand in hers as if to say, 'That's all right.' "Look, you know perfectly well if I had any ideas about where it could be, I'd _gladly_ tell you," she added. "After all, the money does belong to the _people_..." "I know," Ukariah said glumly. "I guess we dragged you all the way over here for nothing..." Rebecca thought her eyes were playing tricks on her; either that, or at that moment, Ukariah really looked as if he were going to cry! She couldn't believe it. Almost NOTHING ever fazed him, and here he was, about to give up? She wouldn't hear of it. She slammed her fist down on a nearby table top. "NO!" "What?" Startled, Uke looked in her direction. There was a fierceness in her soft brown eyes he hadn't seen in years. "I'm not going to let you give up that easy!" "You mean that, Beckums?" "Just watch me!" Ruby cleared her throat. "Don't you mean 'us'?" -0- "So, where would be a good place to start, Rebecca?" asked Babs. "To be honest, Babs, I haven't a clue; but if it means helping Ukariah, I'm willing to do anything... but I think you know that... after all, he _did_ save my life..." She stopped to correct herself. "That is, he and Catastrophe..." "Gotcha," Babs smiled. "By the way, not that it's any of our business, but..." "Yes?" "Have you and Catastrophe always had this... er, well, _thing_ going on?" Rebecca blushed, and giggled a little. "Okay, you found us out!" "Like, I _knew_ it," Shirley gushed. "Hold it, stop right there," Plucky groused. "You and Catastrophe? Even _I_ find that one hard to swallow!" He felt a tapping on his shoulder, and turned around to see that Buster was still holding that golf club. "Swallow _this_, duck!" Plucky shut up, quick. "Doesn't it, like, put a strain on the relationship, being so far apart or some junk?" Rebecca sighed. "Sort of. Maybe someday, I'll come back here for good... but not now." She smiled. "Fortunately, he understands all that." "And he's willing to wait for you?" Ruby asked, and the gang thought they heard a bit of romanticism seeping into her voice. "Hold it, who said anything about waiting for me? Remember, we _do_ have a loophole," Rebecca's smile was even bigger as she pointed casually to her ring. The other girls exchanged a knowing "Ohhh..." and some sly laughter amongst themselves. "Dat's a heck of a loophole, Becky!" Bugs winked at her. "Yeah, isn't it, though?" "Well, that's all well and good," Buster said, "but where would be a good place to start, Rebecca?" "I know," Shirley suggested hopefully. "Like, why don't we try the palace?" "Like, why don't you try psychotherapy, Shirley?" Ruby growled suddenly. "I'm not going back in there! I still have nightmares about that place! Brrr..." She shivered for emphasis. "What happened to her back dere, anyway?" Bugs asked, curiously. "She was almost murdered in there, that's what," Plucky said gravely. "Almost, _nothing_!" Ruby corrected him. Bugs almost said, 'You're kiddin',' but the looks on the toons' faces told him that they were absolutely serious. "Okay, Ruby, tell you what," Rebecca said, trying to reassure her double. "Why don't you go back to the lab and wait for us, huh? No sense in making you come along if it's going to turn you into a basket case. "All... all right," Ruby replied hesitantly. Somehow, all the relief she felt at not having to go back _there_ again couldn't make up for the dejection she felt at not being able to help; but she put on as brave a face as she could, under the circumstances. "Good luck, you guys," she said; but as she watched them go, Rhubella couldn't keep from whispering a silent "Just don't get killed..." -0- "So, what made ya t'ink of da palace, anyway?" Bugs asked Shirley. "I don't know, Bugs," she answered. "It's just a feeling I have. After all, we're probably looking for a LOT of gold bars, and the palace is the biggest spot in Perfecto Plaza to hide it in, or some junk!" "I wouldn't mind having one of those for a souvenir," Plucky suggested. "Like, bag yer face, duck!" Shirley warned him. As they made their way through the heart of town, the toons couldn't help but notice how cheery the whole place looked. Quite an improvement from the first time they were here, they thought. Rebecca, in particular, let out a sigh of deep personal satisfaction. "I don't know what Ukariah did, but I hope he gets the chance to continue," she beamed. "You'd be surprised what a change of leadership can do for the morale of a place," Buster told her. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted their objective. "Well, are we ready?" "You gotta ask?" Plucky replied, still salivating with ill-concealed greed. "Okay, then," Buster remarked. "PALACE, *HO*!" Somewhere, a scratchy, off-center pressing of the theme from "Wagon Train" played in the background. Somewhere, a sound effects man was about to get the carpfung kicked out of him for playing it. Somewhere, a dog barked... "Okay, okay, we _get_ the idea!" Babs snapped irritably. -0- "Is this place very old?" Shirley asked. "Not very," Rebecca answered, as they made their way to the front door. "It's only been around for... oh, I guess it would be five or six years. I'm surprised Uke would leave it standing, considering what it represents," she added, and the toons noticed an uncharacteristic touch of venom in her voice. Of course, they couldn't really blame her, either. But at that moment, something happened which erased every other thought from their minds. Without warning, Bugs started going through some violently crazy gyrations, as the rest of the toons watched with a mixture of fascination and concern. And as quickly as he had started, Bugs just as quickly _stopped_, and pointed to the palace. "Pop!" Buster ran up to him, worried as all heck. "Are you okay?" Bugs looked at his son and smiled. "Never felt better, Buster... but da gold _is_ here!" A light dawned in Babs' eyes. "Wait a minute! Didn't you do this shtick in one of your old cartoons with Yosemite Sam?" He smiled at her. "'14 Karat Rabbit,' ta be precise. An' it's no shtick. Friz an' da boys saw me doin' it one day back at Toimite Terrace... dis was back when da Schloscars was made of real gold... well, anyways, we exaggerated it for da film, but it's a real condition." "Hmmm," Rebecca wondered aloud. "Well, why hasn't Buster been affected? If the gold is here, he would've been jumping all over the place last time he was here... wouldn't he?" "Ya got me, kiddo," Bugs replied. "Maybe it skips a generation or two. Anyways, I wouldn't worry 'bout it." He chuckled lightly. "It's nuttin' serious, and besides, it comes in pretty handy sometimes." "How so, Bugs?" Shirley asked. "If ya ever misplaced a gold cuff link, ya wouldn't ask dat question," he winked. -0- Buster turned to the gang as they stood at the door of the palace. "By the way, does anybody have a way to contact the guys at the lab?" Rebecca raised her hand, which held a walkie-talkie. "Good! Well," he said, checking the door and finding it opening easily, "what are we waiting for? There's gold in that there hill -- er, palace!" "Nice recovery, 'Blue Boy'," Babs kidded him. They walked through the grand entrance hall, and Babs turned to Bugs. "Feel anything?" "Nuttin' but da floor, Babs. Sorry." "Well, that's okay," Rebecca interjected. "This is probably too small to hide it all in. Let's start with the basement and work our way up." "All right," Buster said. They made their way past the grand ballroom, and they noticed it still bore the marks of the last time they were there -- namely, the shattered windows and the huge hole in the floor made by Alex Redolence when he slammed the (then) Mayor into his own cauldron for trying to kill Ruby. Buster couldn't help but reflect that, whatever else he may have thought about Alex, he was just glad he was one of the good guys. Rebecca flicked on the wall switch as they climbed down the stairs to the basement; and there, embedded two-thirds into the concrete floor at a 45-degree angle, was that same cauldron! Splinters of the floors it had travelled through were scattered around it, and dried spaghetti sauce covered the floor and walls. "As Catastrophe would say," she said, and then emitted a long whistle. "Okay, troops, start looking!" -0- They spent the better portion of the day digging through that basement, and didn't find a ding-dong thing. "Any more bright ideas?" Plucky said. Shirley zapped him a good one. "Besides that?" he added, dazed. All eyes turned to Rebecca, who just sighed. "I... I don't know, guys." She shook her head sadly. "I really thought it would be here." She turned to Bugs. "Are you sure that wasn't a false alarm out there?" "No way, kiddo," he said. "I've NEVER been wrong about dat before!" "Well, maybe you _were_," Buster suggested. "Just this once... you know, nobody ever gets it right all the time." Bugs raised an eyebrow towards his son as if he'd just been insulted. "Well, what I meant was..." "I know, Buster," Bugs finally smiled, albeit a weak one. "Tell ya what, kids, why don't we go outside for a few minutes? Dis atmosphere isn't doing my fur _any_ good," he joked. Buoyed by his humor, the group wended their way back up the stairs and outside of the palace... and that's when it happened again! No sooner had Bugs set foot out the door, than he went through those crazy motions again, almost knocking Babs over in the process, and finished by pointing again to the palace! Slowly at first, but eventually, the light came on in his eyes. He was right; he KNEW it! The gold WAS here! They'd just been looking in the wrong place. Buster looked at Bugs, puzzled. "Eh, not to be too unoriginal or anything, but... what's up, pop?" "I'll tell ya in a minute," he said. "'Becca, can ya patch me through to Ruby?" "No problem," she smiled, and raised her on the walkie-talkie. "Here you go, Bugs," she said, handing it to him. "T'anks," Bugs said. "Ruby? You still dere?" "I'm here, Bugs. Any news?" "Could be, kiddo. You remember what you were studyin' in class last Thoisday?" "Depends... _which_ class?" "'Creative Camouflage,'" Bugs replied. "I think so; but why do you...?" "Hold still for a minute an' let me finish," he smiled. "Do ya remember what da main lesson was dat day?" "Hoo boy, I didn't think I'd have a pop quiz out _here_," Ruby laughed, then paused. "Hmmm... I remember it now!" she said, and then recited it word for word. "'It has been said that the best place to hide something is right out in the open so...'" Ruby paused again. "So...?" Bugs teased. When Ruby finished the sentence, she did so slowly, deliberately, and clearly -- half for the benefit of the group listening in, and half as the realization of what it meant hit her squarely in the brain like a well-dropped anvil. "...so no one _will_NOTICE_IT_!!" She practically screamed the last few words. "T'anks, Ruby, you get an A+! Are Uke and Catastrophe dere wit' ya?" Ukariah came on. "Yeah, we're here, Bugs." "Well, get outta dere and haul yourselves over to da palace. I _t'ink_ I know what happened to yer money!" -0- Needless to say, Uke and Catastrophe wasted no time hauling tail over there. Even Ruby, who earlier wanted nothing to do with the palace, was there (although a little apprehensive). "Hey, 'Rat Babe', glad you could make it to the party!" Buster greeted her. "In your ear, rabbit," she smirked. "Okay, enough pleasantries," Ukariah said impatiently. "You're _sure_ the gold is in the palace?" "Who said anyt'ing about IN da palace?" Bugs smiled. Uke was understandably confused. "What then... under?" Bugs shook his head. "Woin't ya listenin', kid?" Ruby picked up the thread from there. "Remember I said, 'The best place to hide something is right out in the open so no one will notice it'?" Catastrophe appeared just as confused as Uke, but only for a moment. "Yeah, but I still don't see..." He stopped and reconsidered her words carefully. "WAIT a minute... yes, I _DO!_" Quickly, he grabbed from one of the pockets of his lab coat... "A _paint_scraper_?!?" Babs asked, perplexed. "Well," the coyote shrugged, "you never know when you'll need one!" He approached the palace tentatively, and started scraping away at the outside surface. It took him a bit of effort. "Man, this stuff is on tighter than... than I don't know WHAT!" he grunted, finally breaking his scraper. "Oh, man, and I just bought that thing," he muttered as he threw it to the ground disgustedly. Rebecca gasped, pointing to where Catastrophe had been scraping. "My gosh!" "Oh, it's not so bad, I can always buy another one," he said resignedly. "They're cheap..." "Not _that_, you incredible nincompoop!" Rebecca continued, grabbing the coyote by the shoulders and turning him around until he was staring directly at his handiwork. "THAT!" "Well, I'll be... I don't..." He finally let out another long whistle. Ukariah was just as stunned, yet even he couldn't dispute the evidence before him. Where Catastrophe had been scraping, instead of the phony gray brick covering, the sun was now illuminating a patch of pure 24 karat gold, embossed with the Perfecto Plaza coat of arms! "Catastrophe, ol' buddy, I think I'll join you in one of those 'well, I'll be's'," Uke grinned. "Who knew it was _here?_" "Like, it's a pity we don't have 'you-know-who' here, or some junk," Shirley told Buster. "He'd have it all uncovered in no time!" "An EXCELLENT suggestion, loon girl!" Buster agreed. "Hey, Catastrophe, we need to get back home real quick!" "As you folks on earth say, no problemo!" He reached in another pocket and pulled out what appeared to be a TV/VCR remote, and pushed a button. Before them, the elevator/portal reappeared! "You did more modifying to that thing than you let on, didn't you?" Plucky said. "A bit, yeah..." He punched in the destination code, and he and Buster stepped in. "We'll be right back," Buster said, as the doors closed. A scant second later, they re-opened, and two toons emerged. Shirley was confused. "Like, what happened? Where's... ?" "Oh, you mean Diz?" Buster said, referring to Dizzy Devil. "He has a tummy ache, and couldn't make it." "What did he eat?" Plucky asked, knowing what the answer was going to be. "North Carolina," Buster grinned. Plucky looked especially stupefied for a second, then sighed. "Well, I was wrong... I _didn't_ know what the answer was gonna be." "Besides," Buster continued, "the critics would've been expecting Diz. Catastrophe, if you please..." The coyote reached into his lab coat and pulled out... Sneezer. "A mouse?" asked Uke. "You brought a _mouse_?" "Sneezer?" Babs asked. "Why not? He can do the job just as easily, and besides, when was the last time you saw him in a fanfic?" "Not in living memory," Ruby considered. "All right..." Buster addressed the mouse. "You know what you have to do?" "Golly gee, Buster, yeah, I think so; am I getting union wages for this?" "We'll put in a word with the shop steward," Plucky snarled. "Close enough," Sneezer replied. "Stand back, everyone!" Babs warned them. "And don't blink or you'll miss it." "Ready?" Buster asked. Sneezer nodded. "GO!!!" No sooner had the word left Buster's mouth than the little mouse did his thing, sneezing the covering off the palace with hurricane force! "Ah - AH- _AH_ - *CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!*" "Man, I'm glad I'm not on the business end of that," Plucky said. "That can still be arranged, ya know," Buster chided him. Plucky shot Buster his dirtiest look, but said nothing else. Like the others, he got back to the business of watching Sneezer leave no stone uncovered (so to speak). "Bless me... I'm allergic to stucco," the mouse said, wiping his nose. The rest of the gang ooohed and ahhhed at the end result: a palace made entirely of solid gold bars! Buster looked at Bugs, misty eyed. "Pop, I'll never doubt your instincts again." "Eh, don't sweat it, kid." Ruby gazed at it thoughtfully. "Gee, it almost seems a a shame to have to dismantle it now..." Her simple statement caught Uke off guard. "Hmmm?" "Well, it _will_ have to be put back in the treasury, won't it?" He smiled mysteriously. "Maybe... maybe _not_..." -0- As they returned to the lab, Ruby couldn't help but wonder what Ukariah meant... or why he looked so surprisingly disappointed. She wasn't alone. "All right, you," Rebecca prodded him, "you've been a gloomy Gus ever since we got back here; now what's wrong?" "Yeah," Babs added. "We found the missing gold, what more could you want?" "A 'gloomy... Gus?'" Uke asked, distracted. He then sighed. "Nothing, really. I've been thinking... you know, it isn't a bad little feat of architecture, really. Maybe fix the place up a bit, repair the damage Alex did to it, change the decor... we'd have quite the tourist attraction!" Ukariah laughed at the thought. "Yeah," Plucky noted. "And you could charge folks a bundle to see it!" "PLUCKY!" everyone else yelled. "_Half_ a bundle? A quarter-pounder?" "With or without fries?" Buster added sardonically. Plucky considered this briefly. "Well, the fries would be extra, of course... BUSTER!" Uke attempted to restore a bit of peace. "No, Plucky, I think we'll skip admission..." "All right," he grumbled, "but I don't see how you expect to turn a profit that way." "I think we'll manage," Catastrophe said. "So, you're gonna, like, leave it standing, then?" Shirley asked. "Why not?" Ukariah replied. "It'd be the only treasury in history where the money's on the _outside_ of the building!" "Could be, doc," Bugs agreed. "But wouldn't ya be concoined about theft?" "Are you kidding?" Catastrophe said. "I don't think _that_ will be much of a problem... when was the last time you ever heard of anybody stealing an entire castle? And as heavy as that thing is, you'd have to be a total IDIOT to even try!" "Or _Monty_," Babs whispered to Buster. "Like he said, a total idiot," Buster whispered back. "So, now dat yer in a better mood," Bugs said, "would ya mind tellin' us what was upsettin' ya just now?" "Okay, I can't put it off any longer," Uke replied. "Catastrophe told you I had something I thought you should see." "If it's a double dose of toe jam, I'm outta here," Plucky said casually. Uke turned to his double, slightly confused. "What's toe jam, Buster?" "Better you shouldn't ask," Buster said. Ukariah accepted that (for the moment), as he removed a sketch from a desk drawer, and spread it out before the toons. "What's this?" Babs asked. "It's my big surprise," Uke answered. "I was hoping I'd, what's the expression, 'knock yer blocks off'..." "'Socks!'" they corrected him. "Whatever... well, anyway, the palace sorta put the kibosh on that," he grinned, as the Toonsters looked at the drawing in awe. "Gee, Ukariah, you don't need to..." Buster said. "It's like, gorgeous and stuff..." Shirley added. "We don't deserve..." Babs noted. "Says _you_, sister, I'll take all the free publicity I can get!" Plucky remarked. "Looks like you're outnumbered, guys," Ukariah laughed. "In a negative fashion, of course... anyway, it's already been commissioned and sculpted!" Buster sighed good-naturedly. "Ah well, what are ya gonna do? I mean, you can't fight city hall, right? So, when's the unveiling?" "I thought you'd never ask," Ukariah told him, looking at the wall clock. "In about a half-hour..." -0- Practically the entire city turned out in the town square for the ceremony. The Toonsters were somewhat overwhelmed that so many people would come out en masse simply to honor them. Ruby tapped Babs and Shirley on the shoulders and pointed out at least three folks they _did_ know: Barb, Sheryl and Fala, who noticed them at the same time. "Hi-eeeee!!" the girls from Acme Acres said. "Hi-eeeee!!" replied the girls from Perfecto Plaza. "eeeEEEEeee!!!" moaned Buster and Ukariah. "Save it, blue boys, we _did_ that joke once before and it _DIED_!" Babs snapped at them. "We did?" Uke asked. "No, not _you_... I'll explain some other time," Buster said. "Don't you have to make some sort of speech or something?" "Oh, yeah," Uke shrugged. As he made his way to the podium, Buster could've sworn he heard Ukariah mutter, "I hate speeches, I _hate_ speeches, I HATE speeches..." He pulled at his sweater. "Well, folks, as you know, I've only been in office about a month... but I'm not here to talk about me..." "Thank goodness!" said the crowd. This wasn't gonna be an easy sell. He continued anyway. "As I was about to say, we've gained a lot of hard-earned freedom in that month, but my little group didn't do it alone." He looked over to the Toons, who gave him a collective thumbs up. "In fact, we actually had some outside help... WAY outside, in a matter of speaking. And while we didn't exactly ASK for their assistance, it sure did come in handy. So, as acting mayor pro tem, I feel their effort should not go unrecognized." He motioned for the toons to join him at the podium, which they did. "Now, I don't know where Acme Acres is located... up until a month ago, I'd never even _heard_ of it; but I _do_ know I'm glad it exists, somewhere. You could say if it weren't for Acme Acres, _our_ little burg wouldn't be the way it is... and with that, I'd like to present our friends and counterparts with the key to the city. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mr. Buster Bunny!" After getting over the initial shock of the resemblance between the two, the crowd cheered mightily as Buster accepted the key... which was a mistake, as Babs seized the opportunity to seize the microphone. "Accepting the award for Buster Bunny, is actor Richard Gere!" The crowd replied, "WHO?" "Rope it in, Babs," Buster scolded her. Babs moved to the back of the podium, embarrassed beyond belief. "Forgot... alternate tooniverse," she mumbled to herself. Uke motioned for Buster to say something. _Anything_. "Aw, gee, your Honor, you shouldn't have..." "You know, you're probably right," Uke grinned, and started to take the key back! "HUH?" When the crowd stopped laughing, Ukariah stepped back up to the plate... er, mike. (Sorry.) "And just to make sure your little contribution isn't forgotten, we've commissioned this statue, partially to thank you for your help, and partially because we had the stuff just lying around," Uke laughed. "Catastrophe, if you please..." Catastrophe pulled on a rope attached to a canvas tarp covering the statue - which promptly defied direction and fell the other way, covering the small coyote! "Gee, just like we'd never left," Plucky quipped. "Like, shut UP, duck!" Shirley warned him again. The crowd applauded as the statue was revealed: Buster, Babs, Shirley, Plucky, Ruby and Alex in a heroic group pose. The Toonsters felt mighty humble at that moment... until Ruby started pointing and laughing. It didn't take long for everyone else to catch on, either. It resembled the artist's original conception in every detail -- except one. And, as usual, Plucky was the last one to notice. "Hey, what's so funny?" he asked. Ruby was beside herself in hysterics now. "Take a good look at yourself," she told him, wiping tears of laughter from her eyes. He did. And exploded. "WHAT?!?" Behind his heroic head, the sculptor had the audacity to place Buster's left hand, forming a 'V' with his index and middle fingers! Plucky was incensed. "All right, Ukariah, what's the big idea?" "I'm sorry, Plucky..." He was laughing as hard as the rest of them. "I wanted to make an artistic statement..." Plucky wasn't appeased. "What statement was that, pray tell... 'Sue Me'?" "Er, Plucky, I t'ink you should read it for yourself," Bugs said, pointing to a plaque near the base of the statue. Plucky did, reading it out loud. "'There are very few comic heroes...' Chuck Jones, 1989." He was about to ask what THAT had to do with anything, but at that moment, the light bulb came on. "_Ohhhhhhh_..." "They don't know Richard Gere, but they've heard of Chuck Jones..." Babs muttered. "ROPE IT IN, BABS!" the crowd shouted back, startling her thoroughly. Where in the heck did _they_ pick up on THAT shtick? She looked around, and saw Barb, Sheryl and Fala wearing big smiles and holding up a giant cue card with that infamous phrase on it! "Let me guess," Babs asked them warily, one eyebrow raised. "You JUST couldn't help yourselves?" -0- It was with some reluctance that the Toons bade farewell to their friends again. Ruby, in particular, under the gaze of Barbara Anne (no relation to Babs!), made darn sure Uke kept it to a simple handshake and a peck on the cheek this time. "I think you've got to get over this rat fixation of yours," she told him. "Besides, I'm already spoken for. Have you ever considered rabbits as a full-time hobby?" "How's that?" Uke asked, puzzled. "Oh boy," Ruby sighed, and winked at Barb. "Straighten this guy out on a few things, will you, Barb?" "With pleasure," she replied in a throaty voice that made Ukariah's ears droop over his eyes! "Gulp!" "Remind you of anybody YOU know?" Plucky asked Shirley. "Don't push it, 'kay?" she replied coolly, as she shoved him into the portal. Rebecca, meanwhile, was finding it hard to say goodbye to Catastrophe... again... although she managed it, but only after Babs and Buster pried them apart with a 2x4! They thought for sure that she was going to change her mind and stay. "Hey, keep in touch, will you?" Catastrophe finally asked, breathlessly. "You know me," Becky smiled. "Let me know how the elections turn out, all right?" "Sure thing, toots!" He watched her go with a mixture of relief and regret. Sometimes he wondered why he didn't just bag it all and go join her. 'Ah, well,' he told himself, 'life is complicated enough as it is... no matter _which_ tooniverse you happen to be in.' ...As they all were about to discover _very_ shortly... -0- =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= (C) September 9, 1996; slightly revised version (C) February 14, 1998 by Jerry D. Withers. All characters (C)1996, 1998 by Warner Bros., Inc. except as follows: "Rebecca Rat", "Ukariah Bunny", "Catastrophe Coyote", "Barbara Bunny", "Sheryl the Loon" and "Fala" created (C) 1996 by Jerry D. Withers. This is a work of fan fiction, and is not meant to be taken as canon; nor is it intended to infringe on any copyrights held by Warner Brothers. Watch these pages soon for the conclusion to the 'Parallels' trilogy, "Vol. 3: The Rat Stuff"! =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=