"RuBarb" v1.1 by Jerry D. Withers (Furrball T. Cat) (jwithers@tcfn.org) and Lee M. Withers (Lee M. Withers) (leewithers@tcfn.org) -0- The Tiny Toons (now _slightly_ older, but none the worse for it) were spending Friday night at their usual haunt, Weenie Burgers (which were also slightly older. Nobody could say for sure if _they_ were the worse for it or not). Buster and Babs Bunny were there, as were Fifi, Shirley, Plucky, Mary Melody, Hamton, Dizzy... in short, the usual suspects. Also in tow were Rhubella Rat, Miranda Mink, Marcia the Martian, and RuBarb the cat. Marcia sat studying her Weenie Burger intently. "Someday, they'll have to analyze these things and see just what's in them," she mused. "Like, forget it, dudette," Shirley advised her. "Many have tried, all have failed..." This brought a round of laughter from the group seated around the table. "Say, RuBarb," Miranda said, "you never did get around to telling me just how you came to be at Acme Loo..." "Oh, that old story? You don't wanna hear that, do you?" RuBarb replied. "Why not?" Babs exclaimed. "_I'd_ like to know that, myself!" "Okay," RuBarb sighed reluctantly. "But you better order up a _big_ plate of Weenie Burgers... it's a _long_ story! Ruby, you wanna set it up?" "Okay," Rhubella shrugged. "You remember when I first came to Acme Loo? This was after Margot and company gave me 'the physical I'd rather forget,' remember?" "Uh-huh," the toons nodded. "Zees was before ze big - eh. - exhibition game against Perfecto, wasn't eet?" Fifi asked. "A couple of weeks before, yeah. I can remember it all as if it were..." The Toons anticipated her. "A flashback?" Ruby smiled slyly. "Close. I was going to say, 'as if it were... -0- "...'Tuesday evening.'" It was just another night as far as most folks were concerned; and if anybody had seen the black cat making her way through the streets and alleyways of this town, they wouldn't have said much. She wasn't much to look at, but that could be attributed to the long and arduous journey she'd been making. She stopped for a moment to catch her breath and get her bearings, ignoring as much as she could the hunger pangs she was feeling. Everywhere she looked, the same word seemed to scream out from every building in town: "Acme". She passed it off as a hallucination, and kept going--she didn't know where. Finally, off in the distance, she saw what looked to be some sort of a school or something. 'Maybe,' she thought, 'I can find _something_ to eat there; after all, school food is almost as good as _real_ food...' As she got closer to the front of the building, passing the statues of a rabbit and duck in cap and gown, she noticed all the rooms were darkened except two: one looked to be the principal's office; and the other, a few doors down, appeared to be full of computers. There was a lone girl in that one, a young rat in a wheelchair, typing furiously and looking up every now and then to make sure she hadn't made any mistakes. The cat was so hungry at this point that she thought a good-old fashioned ratburger with all the trimmings would REALLY taste good; instead, she fought off years of feline instinct, and finally passed out where she was, banging her head against the window as she did so. This got the rat's attention; making sure to make a backup of her homework, she then wheeled over to the window as another figure entered the room. "Well, Rhubella, how's da homewoik goin'?" asked Bugs Bunny, principal of Acme Looniversity, to new transfer student Rhubella Rat, who was still peering intently out the window. "I'm almost done, Bugs... I thought I heard something hit the window just now..." Bugs sauntered over to the window for a look. "Nope, can't see a t'ing. Maybe you been woikin' too hard," he suggested with a grin. "I guess," she sighed. Suddenly, they heard a sound from outside the window... that of a weak meowing. "What was that?" Ruby asked. "If I didn't know better, I'd say it was Furrball bein' tortured," Bugs half-smiled. "I'll check it out, anyways..." He quickly dashed out to where the sound was coming from, and returned a few seconds later, carrying the hapless feline. "Well, I was half-right, anyhow... it's a cat--I _t'ink_... help me get her to me office." "Right," Ruby said, not really sure just how she was going to be able to do that in her present condition; finally, she decided to open the door. THAT much, at least, she _could_ do. "T'anks," Bugs said, placing the cat gently on a couch, shaking his head sadly. She must have been a beautiful cat once, he thought. Rhubella gingerly felt for a pulse. "She's alive--I guess..." she said sadly. While Rhubella usually had no love lost for cats in general, something about this one touched her somehow. The cat meowed weakly again. "I think she said, 'oil can'..." "Rhu-BEL-la..." "Sorry, Bugs," she said, ashamed of herself. Bugs got a glass of water, and gave it to the cat, who drank it like a greedy pig. "No, don't gulp, swallow," she advised. For the first time, the cat fully opened her eyes and surveyed her new surroundings, in between swallows. "Thank you," she whispered gratefully. "Wh--where am I?" "Acme Acres, home of Acme Loonivoisity," Bugs began. "Bugs, she doesn't want to hear a recruiting promo right now..." Rhubella said sarcastically. The cat's eyes widened even further. "Bugs?" she asked incredulously. "As in, 'Bugs Bunny'?" "Da one and only," he replied. Pointing to the rat, he added, "Oh, an' 'Little Miss Sarcasm' dere is Rhubella Rat, formerly of Perfecto Prep." "Perfecto... Prep?" asked the cat. "Never heard of it." "What?" Ruby asked, startled. "How could you not? We -- er, _they're_ world famous in California..." "California?!? Is THAT where I am?" The cat shook her head. "Wow..." "Well," Bugs added, "You know who we are; now who are you?" The query threw her for a second. She didn't want to divulge her real name (just in case they knew someone who'd be looking for her); quickly she spied a pile of books on a nearby table, and spotting an old H. Allen Smith title, said, "Er... 'Rhubarb'! My name's Rhubarb." Rhubella (who could spot a flimsy excuse a mile away, being a past master of them herself) spotted the same pile of books and muttered, "Good thing her name isn't 'Don't Get Perconal With A Chicken.'" "Eh, what was dat?" "NO-thing," Ruby said lightly. 'Okay,' she thought, 'if she wants to be 'Rhubarb', _let_ her be 'Rhubarb'...' Addressing the cat, she added, "Um, you know, I don't mean to be rude or nosy or anything, but, how long's it been since you _bathed?_" "RHUBELLA!" Bugs snapped. "Sorry..." she muttered, now totally embarrassed by her own behavior. "No, she's right," Rhubarb said. "I guess I AM a bit of a _mess_..." "A _BIT?_" Ruby said before she could stop herself. She cringed, and quickly looked in Bugs' direction. He wasn't laughing. "Sorry again..." she muttered, wishing there was a way out. Fortunately for Ruby, at this point, Rhubarb's stomach growled loudly. "Bathed, nuttin'," Bugs said. "When was da last time you ATE?" "Oh, I don't remember... neither of you would happen to have an egg salad sandwich around here, would you?" Bugs and Ruby looked at each other, then back at Rhubarb. Ruby made a comic pretense of searching herself. "Nope, none on me, howzabout you, Bugs?" "You're gettin' to be a real handful, _you_ are!" he warned her playfully. Turning to Rhubarb, he said, "Ya got enough strength to get to me Cadillac?" Rhubarb nodded. "Good... egg salad, was dat?" -0- Meanwhile, over on the east coast, at St. Switchhit's School For Wayward Girls, the headmistress, Agnes Treatment, and her equally clueless assistant, Letitia Informed, were making the usual rounds of the place, eventually arriving at the room where their most troublesome student, Rudelle Purrenstein, was kept. Unlocking the door, they found her seated at her desk, slumped over her homework. "Oh, the poor dear," said Miss Informed. "Maybe we've been too tough on her..." Miss Treatment glowered at her. "Well, we'll just have to be a little *tougher* ..." So saying, she poked at the black cat with her walking stick. The cat fell over. The ladies gasped, but only momentarily, as Miss Treatment examined the form on the floor, and then stood up angrily. "This is a FURSUIT! She's ESCAPED!!" she bellowed, as she frantically searched the room, finally finding the shipping carton the fursuit had arrived in a month earlier. "You've got to hand it to her," Miss Informed mused, peering out of the small hole that passed -- in the loosest sense of the word -- for a window. "Her escapes keep getting better all the time..." Again, Miss Treatment glowered at her dimwitted assistant. "Oh, get $250 and buy a CLUE, will you?" she snapped. Then, with malice aforethought, she added, "She couldn't have gotten very far... anyway, it doesn't matter. She's escaped for the _last_ time..." -0- "My _goodness_! When did you EAT last?" Honey Bunny asked, amazed, as she watched Rhubarb demolish another of her egg salad sandwiches and wash it down with a glass of milk. Rhubella smiled wickedly. "Don't swallow--GULP!" "Rhubella..." Bugs sighed wearily, as Rhubarb wiped her mouth with a napkin. "It's been a while," she admitted, finally in full voice. Ruby noted that it was a pleasant voice (for a _cat_). "These are really good, Mrs. Bunny..." "Call me 'Honey', dear...everyone else does." "Okay, Mrs. Bun--er, I mean, Honey," the cat laughed, before addressing Bugs. "Don't you want one of these?" "Eh, no t'anks. I'm strictly a carrot guy, meself." "Suit yourself," she shrugged, and started in on her fourth sandwich. "So," Ruby asked, merely to make conversation, "where didn't you say you were from?" Rhubarb's response was to choke on her sandwich. Honey, thinking quickly, performed the Slapstick Maneuver on her, which caused the piece of sandwich to fly across the table and land squarely, and unceremoniously, in Rhubella's lap. Ruby picked it up with a napkin and looked at it mournfully. "Thanks," she said dryly. "I'll treasure it always..." "Say," Bugs said, trying to change the subject, "if ya ain't got anyplace to stay, maybe Ruby could put up wid ya for a coupla nights." Ruby thought to herself, 'Maybe _you_ could try minding your own business,' but didn't say anything. "Excuse me, Bugs," Honey said, "but somebody wants to see you in the kitchen for a moment." "Oh? Who?" "Me! Excuse us, girls, we'll be right back." And having said that, she smiled sweetly and dragged Bugs to the kitchen. By his ears. "OW!! Hey, Duchess, what's da big idea?" "I don't know if you've noticed it or not, but that's one troubled girl in there," Honey said. "Yeah, well, Rhubella just needs some more time to adjust to..." "I was talking about the cat..." "Oh," Bugs said, massaging his ears. "Yeah, I noticed dat, too. Somet'in' about her bodders me, now dat I t'ink about it..." "Such as?" "Well, wherever she's from, it ain't around _here_, dat's for darn sure." "What makes you say that?" "Well, we mentioned Perfecto Prep, and she said she's never hoid of da joint. Now if ya spent _any_ amount o' time in Acme Acres..." Honey smiled sweetly. "And I have..." "Oh? How do ya like da joint?" Bugs' cheery smile was met with an exasperated stare from Honey. "(Sigh) Bugsy..." "Sorry. Where was I?... Oh, yeah... Besides, as Ruby said, Perfecto's woild famous in California; and she didn't even _know_ she was in California 'till we told her, so she ain't no local goil. And dere's anudder t'ing; she coitanly went for your egg salad sandwiches..." Honey smiled. "You left out 'justifiably world famous'." "If ya say so... gad, what an _ego_ dis goil's got!... Anyhow, whoever hoid of a cat dat likes egg salad? I'm tellin' ya, somet'in' about dis kid don't add up..." A knock on the kitchen door interrupted them. "Yes? Come in..." Honey said. Rhubella peeked in. "Excuse me, Honey, but do you have a guest room anywhere around here?" "Yes, why do you..." Ruby pointed to the table, where Rhubarb was now fast asleep, face down in a plate of egg salad sandwiches. "Oh, dear," Honey sighed. "Look, I'll drop Ruby off ta home, and you get our guest's room ready," Bugs grinned. "Maybe in da mornin', we'll get some answers from her..." "If she doesn't eat her pillow first," Ruby added. "Watch it, you..." Bugs cautioned her, as Honey carried a very tired cat with egg salad for make-up to the guestroom. -0- Miss Treatment was back in her office, lazily drumming her fingers on the fursuit carton as she spoke. "If we only had some sort of a _clue_ as to where she might have gone... _WHAT_ are you doing?" she asked Miss Informed irritably. What Miss Informed was doing was trying to get a better look at the carton. "Maybe there's a clue here," she suggested. "Yeah, right," Miss Treatment retorted sarcastically. "There's got to be _something_..." "AH HA!" Miss Informed yelled suddenly, causing Miss Treatment to topple out of her chair. "Got it!" "An incurable rash?" "No. The mailing label says this was sent from some place called 'The Acme Corporation' in Acme Acres, California." "CALIFORNIA?" Miss Treatment stood up quickly. "Let me see that... Letitia, you're right!" She then went over to a bookshelf, pulled down a large volume, and immediately began riffling through it. "Hmmm... not much to write home about... two major schools... Perfecto Prep and Acme Looniversity... she might have gone to one or the other... let's see... one major paper..." An evil smile came to her face. "Letitia, hand me the phone!" Miss Informed obliged quickly. "What have you got in mind, Agnes?" "A simple experiment in influencing the media," Miss Treatment replied, dialing a certain phone number, and waited for an answer. "Oh, hello. Is this the Acme Gazette? It is? Good. This is Agnes Treatment from St. Switchhit's School in New York... I have something I think your readers should know about..." -0- Wednesday evening... Biff Windsock and Mary Melody were taking a breather after wrapping up another edition of the K-ACME TV News. "Say, Mary," Biff said, "did you see this item in today's paper?" Mary gave him a sly smile. "Now, Biff, you know I don't patronize the competition; it's bad form... what's the deal? 'Brain Club for Men' having a 50% off sale?" "Very funny, Mary... no, there's some story in here about a school in New York missing one of their students..." "Go on..." "According to this, it's some place called 'St. Switchhit's'..." Suddenly Mary grabbed the paper from Biff's hands. "Hey!" Mary ignored him and perused the article intently. "Didn't this station do an expose on that school a couple of months ago?" Biff strained to remember. "I think we did, now that you mention it... what was it, 'Places You'd Better Not Send Your Kids To,' or something like that? Idaho was #2..." "Oh, it was not, and you know it!" Mary replied indignantly. "It was #3; the Hanford Nuclear Reservation was #2..." She read the paper more closely. "Hmmm... says here this student, Rudelle Purrenstein, is _dangerous_..." "If I had a name like 'Rudelle', I'd be dangerous, too," Biff remarked. "If you had a name like 'Rudelle', I'd tell you to change it," Mary snickered. "Well, she'd better not come _here_," Biff said. "Why? Afraid of what she might do to you?" Mary teased him. "Besides, that's New York; I hardly think she'll be showing up in Acme Acres tomorrow," she added in mock reassurance. As it happened, there were three things that neither of them knew: 1) The article was a 'plant', created by Miss Treatment; 2) the girl was _already_ in Acme Acres, staying in Bugs and Honey Bunny's guest room; and 3) Mary would be coming face to face with her bright and early the next morning... -0- Thursday morning... Ever since the attack, Rhubella hated coming to Acme Loo in the mornings. Not because it was school, but because it was hard for her to maneuver her wheelchair through the doors. 'Obviously, the architects never took the possibility of handicapped students into account when they designed this place,' she muttered to herself... and then paused to reflect on that. A wry smile formed on her lips. Rhubella Rat, Social Activist, she chuckled to herself. As they used to say in the old cartoons, who'da thunk it? As she rolled along the sidewalk that led to the side doors, she thought of some well-placed NC-17 rated insults she could level at the architects, when she noticed to her surprise that the door was already being held open for her. "Oh, thank you," she said, not looking up. "You're quite welcome, Rhubella," came the response, and Ruby stopped in her tracks and wheeled around to see... "Rhubarb?" She couldn't believe it. Where Tuesday night, she looked like something the cat -- well, _you_ know -- this morning she looked absolutely gorgeous! "Is that YOU?" Rhubarb flashed a smile that shone out like a light bulb from all that black, shiny, and well-groomed fur, and giggled. "Like the change?" "It suits you," she agreed. "You should stop wearing egg salad more often. What are you _doing_ here, anyway?" "Bugs and Honey thought I might like to hang around here for the day, get a feel for the place, you know... besides, I'm a little young to be tackling the world of high finance..." "Ummm... yeah," Ruby said. "Just how old are you, anyway?" "I'll be 15 in a couple more weeks..." Ruby threw up her hands in mock desperation. "*WHY* can't they get anybody around here who's closer to _my_ age?" "Really? You're 17?" Ruby would've corrected her, but, her vanity being what it was, decided to keep silent. "You think I'd fit in around here?" Rhubarb asked curiously. "Are you thinking of enrolling?" "You never know," Rhubarb admitted. "How's the basketball team around here?" she asked, as they made their way down the hall. "WHAT basketball team?" "That bad, huh?" "I've played worse..." "I'll bet you have..." Rhubarb said with a wink. "*HA*, _Ha_, ha!" Ruby replied. "You play?" "Some," Rhubarb admitted. "I need to work on my fadeaway jump shots..." "Tell you what," Ruby said thoughtfully. "Why don't you talk to our coach about trying out? They could use a fifth player, since I'm gonna be out of action for a while..." A bunch of the male students walked by, took one look at Rhubarb, and immediately caused a major pile-up in the hallway, much to Rhubarb's astonishment and Rhubella's bemusement. "They're called 'boys,' Rhubarb. Get used to them." "I think I'll have to..." No sooner had that declaration left her lips than a silly green duck strode up to them. "_Especially_ this one," Rhubella added caustically. "Hello, Plucky..." "Hello, yourself, Rhubella. Have you plotted what kind of revenge you're gonna take against Margot yet?" he asked, a little too cheerfully. "No, I haven't," she shot back. "Well, don't worry, The Pluckster's got just the item you need." "Thompson snub-nosed sub-machine gun?" Ruby asked, her irritation at being pestered by Plucky starting to become tempered by her curiosity. "No, nothing that extreme," he said coolly, before looking around to make sure he wouldn't be overheard; then, he bent down and whispered in her right ear, "Jell-O bombs." Ruby blinked at him incomprehensibly. "::blink:: How's that again, duck?" "It's like a water balloon, only you fill it with unchilled Jell-O, and hit her when she's least expecting it!" Ruby continued to blink incomprehensibly at him. "No, don't bother to thank me, it's the least I could do..." "Plucky," Ruby finally said, after dismissing the idea completely, "that is so... _SO_... you." "Gee, thanks. I was up all night thinking about it!" "Doesn't all that thinking make your brain itch?" Rhubarb asked with more than a hint of sarcasm. "No... should it?" Ruby felt a migraine coming on. "Er, look, Plucky, I'll have my agent call your agent, okay?" "Not interested, huh?" "No... I'm... not." "Okay, your loss, kid," he shrugged as he turned to go who-knows- where. Turning back, he added, "I put together a home demo kit with a great video..." "NO!!!!!" Ruby yelled, causing Plucky's feathers to fall off in random patterns. Upon seeing this, the pile of boys in the hall picked themselves up and scattered to the four winds lest they, too, suffer a similar fate. Plucky scooped up his feathers, sighed, and walked away. Rhubarb thought he looked ridiculous. Ruby just glared daggers in his direction. "Jell-O Bombs," she growled under her breath. "He's probably got a whole stockpile of them hidden somewhere..." "Yeah," Rhubarb added, "with a bunch of whipped cream barrage balloons for good measure..." She paused briefly. What was he talking about, anyway? Who's this Margot? And why do you want revenge against her? And..." Ruby turned crossly at the cat. "You sure ask a lot of questions, you know that?" Rhubarb shrugged. "So I'm curious. Kill me." Ruby briefly considered the possibility. "Maybe later. Come on..." The girls made their way down the hall until they found themselves outside the registration office. "Why have we stopped here?" Rhubarb asked. "Well, if you're going to call yourself a student here, it's a necessity," Ruby advised her. "Eh, more like a _ritual_, goils," said Bugs, as he appeared in the doorway. Looking at the wall clock, he added, "Whoops! Tell ya what, you can register later, kid. Just hang around Ruby and don't do anything she does..." Ruby would've answered, but Bugs had completely disappeared. "Right," Rhubarb answered, now totally confused. "Well, where to first?" "I don't know about you, but my first class is 'Peripherals 101'... and no, it doesn't have anything to do with computers..." Ruby smiled. "Good! I don't know the first thing about that stuff, anyway..." "Well, stick close to me, then," Ruby said as they arrived at the first class of the day, where the teacher met them at the door. "Oh, Mary, this is Rhubarb. Rhubarb, Mary Melody." The two shook hands... or rather, hand and paw. "Pleased to meet you," Rhubarb said. "Same here," Mary replied. "Are you a new student here?" "I guess so," said the cat, amazed at how fast the answer came out... -0- Thursday afternoon... "What's going on over there?" Rhubarb asked Ruby, indicating the construction going on on the school grounds. "Oh, that? Those are the new student dorms. They're a little behind schedule, but I understand they'll be finished by the end of the week..." "You going to move in?" "Me? No, I had enough of that life at Perfecto," Ruby admitted. They finally reached their destination -- the gym. "Well, here we are; B-Ball Central," Ruby said. "After you?" "Why not?" Rhubarb countered. Inside, Lola was putting the basketball team through their paces. Seated at the sidelines, Honey Bunny was happily spending her free period bunnysitting Lola's daughter Bethany. "I didn't know Honey had a daughter..." "She doesn't," Ruby corrected her. "That's Lola's kid." "Oh, yeah; there _is_ a resemblance, at that," Rhubarb noted. At that point, the object of their conversation suddenly turned in their direction and pointed gleefully at the cat. "Kitty!" Bethany said. Ruby glanced around the gym and hoped Elmyra wasn't anywhere around. The last thing she needed right now was for the Duchess of Dork to make an appearance. Honey turned in their direction as well. "Oh, hi, girls. Checking out the action?" "Something like that... Hi, Bethany," Ruby smiled. Bethany grinned and pointed at Ruby. "Kitty!" Rhubarb's reaction was to laugh out loud. Rhubella's reaction was to glare at Rhubarb. The shrill sound of a whistle blowing got the girls' attention. "Okay, team, take five!" said Lola, as she went over to the sidelines. "Hi, Ruby. Who's this?" "Hi, coach. This is Rhubarb. Rhubarb, Lola Bunny." "Kitty!" "I can see that, Bethany," Lola smiled, putting her basketball down on the bench. Bethany grinned and pointed at the ball. "Doggie!" Honey raised her eyebrows in polite amusement. "Lola, it's probably not my place to say anything, but, have you ever considered getting Beth's eyes checked?" "She seems to know a kitty when she sees one," Lola replied. Ruby lazily leaned her head on her hand and muttered, "I beg to differ..." "So, Coach," Rhubarb said hesitantly, "are there any openings on the team this year?" "Well, let's see... with Ruby out of action, we _do_ need another pair of paws," Lola said thoughtfully. "Are you any good?" "_I_ think so..." "I'll tell you what, then; get suited up and we'll see," Lola told her, pointing her in the direction of the locker room. "Okay," Rhubarb replied, dashing off, and returning a few seconds later with the rest of the team. Ruby noticed that they seemed to be hitting it off almost immediately, and this stung her a bit, remembering how different the treatment was that _she_ got from these same girls on her first day at Acme, with the possible exception of Emily, who seemed to get along with everybody. She let out a melancholy sigh. Honey noticed this immediately. "You aren't jealous, are you?" she asked gently. "Huh? Oh... I guess I am, kind of," Ruby remarked sort-of-sadly. "I don't know... Honey, what do you think? Am I the sort of girl who _naturally_ has to get whacked with a Looneyville Sluggard before folks will _like_ me?" "No, Ruby, of course you aren't. But I sense a lot of insecurity in you..." "What's _THAT_ supposed to mean?" Ruby snapped fiercely without even thinking. Bethany's course of action was to quickly burrow under Honey's blouse and stay there for the duration. Honey looked at Ruby curiously. "What's _what_ supposed to mean?" Ruby shook her head as if she were just emerging from a trance. "I... I don't know what made me _say_ that... I'm sorry, Honey..." Cautiously peeking out from Honey's blouse, Bethany said, "Goo?" "Apology accepted," Honey said. "Just try not to fly off the handle like that again, okay?" "O-okay," Ruby replied. It was apparent that she wasn't very sure of herself anymore. "You... you really think I'm insecure?" "I've seen it before," Honey told her. "I used to be the same way when I was a teenager..." She added, smiling slightly, "Only, not as explosive." "Point taken," Ruby acknowledged. "But you got over it, right?" "I don't think _anybody_ ever gets over it. Rhubella, the first rule of being a happy, well-adjusted toon is, that there's simply no such thing. We all have our faults, and we all have to deal with them as best we can. None of us are perfect," she continued, before adding with a sly wink, "If we were, would we be with _Warner_Brothers_?" This got a smile out of Rhubella. "I guess you're right, Honey. Thanks." "Anytime, Ruby," the fembunny extraordinare smiled back. "Now, what's say you and I watch some hoops and see if this new girl can play, huh?" "Yeah, what say?" Ruby grinned in return, and settled back to watch the practice. There was still a little part of her that was hoping Rhubarb would fall on her face; but, on the other hand, she also knew this team needed all the help it could get, and if it wasn't going to come from her, then why _not_ Rhubarb? Lola blew her whistle, practice resumed, and within fifteen seconds, everybody on the team, not to mention Rhubella, was blown away. Rhubarb was literally treating the practice as if it were her own little b-ball clinic, showing the girls moves that they'd never even considered! What was even more impressive was that these weren't your basic "flash and dash" moves, but ones built around good, solid basketball theories. Needless to say, Ruby was impressed. (And she wasn't that easy to impress in the first place!) "Hey, she's _good_, isn't she?" she marvelled. "She's almost as good as I am!" "Aren't _we_ full of ourselves?" Honey grinned. "*HA*, _Ha_, ha!" Ruby replied, before focusing her attention on something she hadn't noticed when she first came in. "Say, Honey, what's that camera crew doing here?" "Oh, from what Lola tells me, they're some TV sports show. They're doing bits about various school sports squads, and they heard Lola was teaching here." "Nothing like a good ol' vanity piece," Ruby noted with a hint of sarcasm. "Actually, this was Bugsy's idea. He thought it would be good for her ego. She's been a little down lately because she hasn't been getting those film parts they promised her. Besides, it's good publicity for the Loo." She smiled. "Who was it that said 'There's no such thing as bad publicity'?" "Charles Barkley?" "Cool it," Honey said, raising an eyebrow. "Consider it cooled," Ruby said. As they refocused their attention on the action on the court, they watched Rhubarb make an amazing leap to the basket. "Kitty!" said Bethany gleefully, pointing to Rhubarb. As if that were a command, the TV crew focused on Rhubarb, who was so into the game that she didn't even notice them, even with the excess lighting. _BIG_ mistake... -0- "Rhubarb, I gotta tell you, I was impressed!" Rhubella told the cat as they made their way to the library. "Well, thanks, Rhubella." "No, I mean it, you're _really_ good! Where did you learn to play like that?" "Oh, here and there... mainly at my old school. It was one of the few things I was any good at there." "No kidding?" Ruby asked. "What kind of school was it?" "Oh... er... a private school on the East Coast," Rhubarb replied hesitantly. "Real exclusive place. You couldn't get in if you tried..." "Really? More exclusive than Perfecto Prep?" "You could say that," Rhubarb replied. "Anyway, I don't want to talk about it..." "Bad memories, huh?" "The _worst!_ What about you?" "Oh, nothing that bad. I just couldn't afford the tuition at Perfecto anymore. That's why I'm here." Rhubarb grinned at Ruby. "Slumming, eh?" "Not exactly," Ruby replied defensively. "I thought the change of scene would do me good..." "Also it's cheaper..." "Well... yeah," she laughed. "You know, you aren't too bad... for a cat..." "Tell that to my folks," Rhubarb muttered. "They came close to disowning me once..." She stopped in mid-thought, realizing she was starting to reveal too much about herself. "But you don't want to hear about _me_..." "Umm... okay," Rhubella said, seeing Mary Melody coming up to them hurriedly. "Hey, Mary, what's the rush? Big story for the news tonight?" "You could say that," she replied. "Oh, hi, Rhubarb." "Hi." "Mary, what's wrong?" "You haven't heard? Some dangerous student from a wayward girls' school has escaped and could be in Acme Acres!" "Dangerous... student?" Rhubarb gulped. "_How_ bad is she supposed to be?" "I don't want to alarm you, but, _REAL_ bad!" Mary cautioned them. Rhubarb had to ask. "Do they say what her name is?" "Yeah," Mary told her. "Rudelle Purrenstein..." She paused. "Listen, I'd love to stay and chat, but I have to get over to the studio. Bye!" "Wow!" Ruby said, watching Mary dash off. "Well, I guess I'll be..." She stopped in mid-sentence, as she looked around and discovered that she was now talking to herself. "Rhubarb? Now where the heck did _she_ get off to?" -0- Thursday evening... Mary was clearly bothered about something as she entered the K-ACME studios, and Biff (who usually missed the first falling snowflake in a blizzard) noticed it right away. "So, Mary, what's news?" The look on her face told him that if he wanted to continue his career as an oxygen-breather, he'd best not continue that so-called joke and just shut up. He did, and went back to his computer terminal. At long last, she couldn't stand it. "I... I'm confused, Biff," she finally confided. "Oh? About what?" "You remember that story about that girl from St.... what was it again?" "Switchhit's..." he replied without even looking up. "Yeah, that was it... I'm just wondering why we haven't heard anything more about it." Biff continued to study his monitor. "I'm starting to wonder why we heard anything at _all!_" "What do you mean?" Mary asked. "Well, I've been rummaging through all the files in the New York papers for the last two weeks, and do you know that not _one_ of them has even made a _peep_ about this story?" "Really?" "Really. I have the printouts of my search, if you're interested..." Biff added, handing them to her. Mary gleaned over them ravenously, but just as he said, there was absolutely _nothing_ mentioned about St. Switchhit's... or a runaway student from there -- or ANY school, for that matter. "Mary? Is something wrong?" "Hmmm... could be! Is it possible that you actually have a brain after all?" "Very funny..." "Sorry... Do you think it's possible that someone at the Gazette made that story up?" "It's possible, but not very likely," Biff replied. "My guess is, somebody at Switchhit's planted that story deliberately." "Hmm, you're probably right, although it seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through to plant a story like that in just one newspaper on the other side of the country. Did you do a check on this girl, Rudelle Purrenstein?" "Already ahead of you, Mar," Biff said, handing her a smaller printout. "I found this in the St. Switchhit's student records files." He studied her face as she scrutinized the file closely. "Mary?" "I may be wrong," she said, "but I think I _know_ this girl." She paused. "And I think I know what to do about this story..." "You think we should run it, then?" "No," she said as she gathered the printouts. "Mind if I hang on to these?" "Sure, go right ahead... what have you got in mind?" "Well, first, I'm going to see what Stan has to say," she said, referring to the station manager. "And then?" Mary smiled slightly. "I may just take it to someone higher up..." -0- Late Thursday night... "Well, any bites on our story?" Miss Informed asked hopefully, as she sat glued to a TV set, watching a video. Miss Treatment looked at her with her usual disdain. "Any bites? What do you think we're writing for -- trout fishermen?" she growled. "No, not a one," she added. Finally, she noticed the TV. "What is this VCR doing on after curfew?" Miss Treatment snapped. "Oh, that? I wanted to watch George Mackerel..." "You know the rules, Letitia, no MTV allowed!" Letitia sighed in exasperation. "Wrong George." "There's another one?" "He does a sports show..." "Since when are YOU interested in sports?" "Well, a girl's gotta have a hobby..." "Not around _here_, she doesn't!" With that, she reached out to turn the set off just as the show was coming out of the commercial break. "Welcome back to the Sports Thingy, I'm George Mackerel." "Yeah, yeah, we can see that," Miss Treatment snarled at the screen. "Earlier this year, superstar Michael Jordan teamed with Bugs Bunny and the Looney Tunes to make a picture about basketball..." "So what? Big deal. Who cares? Spack off. Get lost!" muttered Miss Treatment. "Sssh!" sssh'ed Miss Informed. "...and one of the co-stars of that film was an attractive young rabbit named Lola Bunny..." "...Who ran afoul of a good-luck charm manufacturer in Far Rockaway, The End." "SSSSH!" "...Although cinematic stardom has seemed to elude her, she's never lost her love of the game..." "Listen to this guy pour it on, will you?" "*SSSSSH!!*" Miss Treatment was ready to turn the set off at that moment, when George's next sentence stopped her cold. "We take you to Acme Acres, California..." "WHERE?" the two Misses said, dumbstruck. George suddenly leaned out of the set. "I said, 'Acme Acres.' WORK with me, huh? SHEESH!" He then returned to the Sports Thingy stage, leaving the two ladies to wonder about what had just taken place. "Agnes?" "_What_, Letitia?" "Is this taking suspension of disbelief too far?" "Shut up and stick to the script." What followed next was a fluff piece about Lola; all about how she prepared for her day at Acme Loo, the pressures of balancing a career and single motherhood, and how she prepared the team for a game. Miss Treatment was about to turn the set off once and for all when she caught a glimpse of a familiar black cat on the Acme Loo court. Miss Informed saw her at the same time. "Letitia, do you see what I see?" "I'm not sure. How often do you mix your medication?" "Oy vey," she grumbled. "No, on the TV!" Letitia leaned in for a closer look. "Oh, my... it's_her_, isn't it?" "You bet your bippy it's her!" "I... I lost my bippy in WWII..." "QUIET!" Miss Treatment put the machine on 'pause', and then they studied the screen a bit longer, just to make sure it was really her. When the piece ended, Miss Treatment turned to Miss Informed and smiled smugly. "Letitia?" "Yes, Agnes?" "I think we're due for a vacation..." "You mean...?" "Exactly! Pack your bags. We're heading to Acme Acres!" -0- Friday afternoon... Sylvia J. Pussycat was just finishing up for the day when she looked up from her desk to see two unannounced visitors. "Yes, can I help you?" she asked pleasantly. "We're about to close up for the weekend..." Miss Treatment smiled icily. "Yes, we're here to see the dean." "You just missed him, I'm afraid. If you'd care to leave your names, I'm sure he could see you on Monday..." Without warning, Sylvia felt herself being lifted up from her chair by the bright red bow she wore around her neck. "Urk...!" "Let's try it again, shall we?" Miss Treatment sneered unpleasantly. "We're here to see the dean of this so-called school, and we aren't leaving until we _do_, got it?" "Urk...!!" "There, now that wasn't so difficult, was it?" "Urk...!!!" Sylvia was trying to free herself from the vise-like grip of this person, with little or no success. "Thank you. We'll wait in his office, if it's all the same to you." Miss Treatment then released her grip on Sylvia and dropped her on the floor with an undignified 'thud' before barging into Bugs' office. Poor Sylvia was in no position to stop them, as she was still trying to recover her breath. She picked herself up, dusted herself off, and sat down, attempting to also recover her wits. A familiar gloved paw handed her a handkerchief. "You okay dere, Syl?" Sylvia was too shaken up to be startled any further. "Bugs? Did you see...?" she croaked, her voice just starting to come back. "Yeah, I _saw_ it, Syl. I'm sorry I wasn't here to stop dem..." he growled. "Who _are_ they, Bugs? What do they want?" "I dunno, Syl, but I'm sure we'll find out," he said, angry that anybody would assault his secretary like that. And without another word, he strode determinedly into his office and closed the door. Hard. As Sylvia watched him go, she muttered to herself, "Boy, did _I_ ever make a lousy life decision when I decided to get declawed!" -0- Friday evening... Rhubella was back in the computer room, working on yet another project, and so involved in it that she didn't notice that she wasn't alone, until she heard her name. "Rhubella?" the voice said nervously. Rhubella nearly jumped out of her wheelchair. "Wha--oh, Rhubarb, it's you," she said, recovering her wits slightly. "Don't sneak up on me like that, okay? Ever since I got beat up, I've become awfully skittish..." "Sorry," Rhubarb muttered. "No big deal; I just didn't hear you come in, is all." Then Ruby paused. "Hey, how'd you get in here, anyway? I thought the place was locked..." "It is," Rhubarb grinned, and displayed an extended claw. "These things work better than hairpins..." Ruby raised her hands. "Don't tell me, I don't want to know!... What's up, anyway?" she added, noticing the cat's demeanor. "Something wrong?" "Something like that, yeah... Ruby, can you keep a secret?" "Better than anyone I know," she said nonchalantly. "Why?" "Well... I haven't exactly been honest about myself..." Rhubarb admitted. "In the first place, my name isn't Rhubarb..." "I suspected as much," Ruby said. The cat continued. "And I'm not from around here..." "That's two for two... So, your name isn't really 'Rhubarb', and you're not from here, big deal. Anything else?" "Yeah... I need a favor..." "What kind of favor?" Rhubella eyed her companion suspiciously. "You know computers, right?" "More or less, why?" "You familiar with the term, 'hacking'?" "Yes," Ruby replied, "And I also know I'll be in deep stuff if I ever get caught doing it again..." "Again?" "Yeah. My mom caught me doing it once last year, and she took away my computer for a month! I only did it to see if I really _could_, but that didn't matter to her." "But you _can_ do it, right?" Ruby's loyalty to her mom was matched only by her curiosity, and unfortunately for her, this time, curiosity won out. "Oooooh, I'm gonna hate myself even more than I already do..." She paused. "I must be nuts... okay, I'll do it!" "You will? Thanks, Ruby..." "Don't thank me just yet," Ruby warned her. "Just so you know, if we get caught, I don't expect to take the fall all by myself..." Rhubarb bowed her head quietly. "I know." "Good, just so we understand each other... Now, to coin a phrase, what do you wanna hack tonight?" Ruby said, trying to put a little humor into the situation. "I need you to get into my school records..." "WHAT?!?" Ruby screeched at the top of her lungs. "Not so loud," Rhubarb said nervously. "You're even crazier than I am, you know that? I'm sorry, but Bugs trusts me totally, otherwise he'd never let me in here. If he finds out what I'm doing, I'll be booted out for sure, and I'd NEVER be able to live with myself!" Ruby was adamant. "You can't ask me to break into the Acme Loo records, and I won't do..." "Hold it," Rhubarb tried calming her down. "Who said _anything_ about Acme Loo? I meant my _old_ school..." "Oh," Ruby said. "Well, I guess that's different... I guess..." She turned her attention to the keyboard. "What's the name of this place?" "It's 'St. Switchhit's,' in New York..." Ruby froze. "St. Switchhit's?" "You've heard of it?" "I think so... wasn't there some dangerous student that escaped from there... oh, what was her name?" "Rudelle B. Purrenstein," the cat said in a low voice. "Yeah, that was... hey, just a minute, how would YOU know what her middle initial... is...?" Ruby whirled around. "Oh my gosh... it's _you_, isn't it? Here, take my purse..." "Will you stop that?" Rudelle asked. "Yeah, it's me, but you gotta believe me, that bit about me being dangerous, it isn't true, honest..." Tears were starting to come to her eyes. Ruby eyed her suspiciously. "And that part about your folks nearly disowning you? How honest was _that?_" "Oh, that part's true, Rhubella," she admitted between sobs. "You ever hear of the Boston Purrensteins?" "Yeah," she said slowly. "There was a Purrenstein who tried to get admitted to Perfecto once in 1989, but just missed the requirements because her family was only worth about fifty million... bucks..." She paused in disbelief. "Don't tell me... _YOU?_" Rhubarb nodded quietly. "Funny, isn't it? We came _that_ _close_ to being classmates; instead, the rich girl gets sent to the big house..." "St. Switchhit's is a _prison_?" Ruby asked incredulously. "It might as _well_ be," the cat cried. "But I didn't belong there, honest..." Ruby took a good long look at her companion, pondered her options, and finally came to a decision. She'd probably end up regretting it, but for now, it seemed like the only right one. "Okay, turn off the waterworks, Rhubarb, I believe you." "My name's Rudelle..." "Yeah, sure, right, whatever; I like you better as Rhubarb," Ruby said. "Besides, I saw how Bethany took to you, so you can't be all that bad if she likes you..." "Thanks, but will that hold up in juvey hall?" "Just what did they put you in St. Switchhit's _for_, anyway?" "You'd never believe it... anyway, it should be in the records..." Rhubella decided the only way she was going to get anywhere was to see it for herself, and so, she furiously set her fingers in motion over the keyboard, stopping after just a few seconds. "Okay, we're in!" she announced, perusing the screen. "Next stop, student records." Typing a few more strokes, she finally arrived at their destination. Looking over some of the other girls' files, she whistled low. "My _gosh_, you weren't _kidding_ about this place being a prison, were you?" As she perused the files further, she became horrified. "Rhubarb, the things these girls did are... terrible! I may have been bad in my day, but never _this_ bad!" "You're one up on me, then," Rudelle assured her. "I couldn't even do a _tenth_ of what those girls have done, and I don't WANT to, either! And I don't want to go back there..." She was beginning to get hysterical. "Calm down," Ruby said. "I won't let it happen... not if _I_ can help it..." She scrolled down the files until she came to Rudelle's. "Okay, here we are, 'Purrenstein, Rudelle Barbara'." She read the file, and her eyes immediately grew wide with disbelief. "Your parents put you in that awful place... for _THAT?_ I don't believe it!" "Terrible, isn't it?" "_Obscene_ is more like it!" Ruby muttered angrily. Now, she was even more determined to help Rhubarb. Even if her name really was Rudelle B. Purrenstein. "So, now that we're here, what do you want me to do?" "For starters," replied an angry Brooklyn/Bronxish voice from the doorway, "youse can start by marchin' your little tails down to my office!" "Bugs!" Ruby and Rhubarb said in unison, turning in his direction to see his scowling face. "Bugs, believe me, I can explain..." Ruby started; then, sadly, she realized that there was no way she would _ever_ be able to explain away _this_. "Oh, what's the use?" she finally sighed; and the two girls made their way past Bugs, neither of them daring to look at him. "You two are gonna have a LOT of explainin' to do," he growled, watching them make their way down the hall. He then went over to the computer, read what was on the screen, looked back towards the door, then back at the screen. Then a smile came to him, followed by an idea... -0- Rhubella and Rudelle were understandably nervous as they waited in Bugs' office. Ruby knew that whatever punishment Bugs had planned for her, even though she deserved every bit of it, it would never be severe enough. Rudelle was even more nervous because seated across from her were the _last_ two people she ever expected to see here, or _wanted_ to: Misses Treatment and Informed, who smiled benignly at her. Rudelle just cringed in her chair and tried to avoid looking at them as much as possible. Nobody said a word. Rhubella wondered to herself what was taking Bugs so long. Finally, making impolite conversation, she said, "So, have you throttled anybody lately?" "Dat'll be enough outta you, young lady!" Bugs said crossly as he _finally_ entered the office. Turning to his visitors, he asked, "And what can I do to ya... for ya?" "You know very well what you can do," Miss Treatment said brusquely. Bugs wondered if that came out as she had intended it to. "Er... yeah," he finally answered. "Refresh me memory, will ya?" "We have come to pick up one of our students, Rudelle Purrenstein," Miss Treatment said unemotionally, pointing her walking stick at the cringing cat, who could only look at Bugs with pleading green eyes. "So if you'll hand her over..." "Not so fast," Bugs countered. "You might be mistaken, ya know..." "Nonsense! You can look it up in our records..." Bugs smiled. "Oh yeah, your records... lemme see, now..." With that, he started up his laptop computer, punched a few keys, looked at the screen, and finally said, "Well, whaddaya know about dat? Accordin' to your school records, which I'm lookin' at right here, you ain't _GOT_ no Rudelle Purrenstein at your school!" Ruby, Rudelle, and the Misses Treatment and Informed all had the same reaction. "WHAT?!?" they yelled. "Are you sure?" Rudelle asked hopefully. "See for yourselves," Bugs said, and the two visitors wasted no time in crowding around the laptop. "But that... that's IMPOSSIBLE!" Miss Treatment exploded. "Oh, _anyt'ing's_ possible if you put yer mind to it," Bugs said slyly. "Which reminds me, I believe you owe an apology to Rhubarb over dere..." "Who?" "Rhubarb. She's one of our best students...and she's been here since last year!" With that, he applied a few more keystrokes and produced the Acme Loo records that showed, without a doubt, that Rhubarb had been enrolled since the first day of the previous semester! Miss Treatment wasn't fooled for a second. "You realize that falsifying school records is a serious offense," she snapped. As much as he hated to do it, Bugs got right in her face. "One moment, lady; and in your case, I use da toim 'lady' only in da hyperthetical sense!" "Mr. Bunny, I will not stand to be insulted like this!" "Den feel free to sit down," Bugs smirked. Even though she was in dutch up to her neck, Rhubella still had to admire Bugs' unflappable cool in this situation. She would've lost her temper completely by now, she thought. He continued. "As I see it, youse can't just waltz in here and whisk away one o' me best pupils widout her consent! Dat would be kidnappin'..." He slyly winked at Rudelle. "Or, should I say, 'catnappin'? I'm sorry, but you got da wrong goil, and da wrong school." His eyes narrowed, and he quickly dropped all pretense of civility. "And ya also got 10 seconds to haul yer carcasses offa dese premises before I have ya run in for attempted kidnappin' _and_ trespassin'_AND_ assaultin' me secretary... which, if I ain't mistaken, makes it _t'ree_ serious offenses to me so-called one! In udder woids, and I hope you'll take dis in da spirit in which it's intended..." He inhaled sharply, and then yelled full-force, "GET LOST!!!!!" "Well! Mark my words, you haven't seen the last of us!" "Yeah? To quote da Firesign Theatre, 'No, but da foist of ya toins my stomach!' Toodle-oo!" "We're not leaving..." Bugs smiled and pressed a button on his desk. "Dat's what _YOU_ t'ink!" Suddenly, to everyone's astonishment, the office windows flew open, and the section of floor on which the ladies had been standing catapulted on a huge spring, sending the two sailing out into the night sky, never to be heard from again! "Goodbye-eee! Forget to write!" he called out, waving at them as he did so. Then, pushing the button that restored the office to normal, he added, "Whew! I thought dose two biddies would NEVER leave!" Rudelle was beside herself. "Ruby, you DID it!" she yelled happily. "Whoa! Hold on, there, I didn't have a chance to do anything," Ruby corrected her. "Oh yeah, that's right. Well, I know _I_ didn't do anything..." The two girls looked at each other, then at the only one in the room who could have. "BUGS?!?" they asked, amazed. "Eh, call it a gift," he chuckled. "Besides, you been through enough already, I felt it was time you got a break." Rudelle was thunderstruck. "But how...? And more to the point, WHY?" "Why? Well, Mary tipped me off dat she t'ought ya might be gettin' a raw deal from dat place, an' after checkin' yer files, I was inclined to agree. As fer _how_, well, dere ain't nothin' to dis computer stuff once ya get da hang of it," he smiled. "So _that's_ what took you so long," Ruby said, as she wheeled herself over to the laptop to admire Bugs' handiwork. "Not a bad job, Bugs..." "A-hem... since _when_ do we let students read school files?" he asked sternly. "Sorry... only why is her name spelled funny?" "What are you talking about?" Rudelle asked. "Your name in the Acme Loo files. It's spelled 'RuBarb'!" "So I was in a hurry!" Bugs admitted. "I s'pose neither one of you ever made a typing mistake before?" he grumbled good naturedly. "Gimme a minute to correct dat..." "No, wait, Bugs," the cat said, rushing to stop him. "'RuBarb Purrenstein...'" She turned to Rhubella. "What do you think? Too busy sounding?" "Perhaps," she replied. "I like 'RuBarb', myself. It makes you sound more...enigmatic." "Okay, so 'RuBarb' it is," she smiled, and exhaled slightly. "I can't imagine what your folks would say if they knew where you were right now," Ruby added. RuBarb gasped sharply. "Ohmigosh! My PARENTS!! If they find out what I've done, they'll KILL me!!!" "Eh, somehow I don't think dat'll be much of a problem, RuBarb," Bugs said cryptically. "What do you mean?" RuBarb asked. "W-ell, I wasn't just changin' your records in da computer room..." RuBarb was mortified. "You CALLED them?!? Bugs, how _could_ you??" "Easy, kiddo," Bugs smiled. "Da phone was dere; all I had to do was look up da number an'... oh, dat ain't what ya meant, is it?" The mortified look on RuBarb's face told him that no, it wasn't. "Look, kid," he offered by way of an explanation, "I _had_ ta get dere permission to let you stay here _somehow_, didn't I?" "I know, but..." RuBarb stopped in mid-thought. "Their... permission? You mean they said I _could?_" she cried out happily. "As long as you like, kid," Bugs smiled. As the cat rushed to hug him, Bugs laughed. "Easy, kid, don't wrinkle da material!" He paused briefly. "Eh, which reminds me... why exactly _did_ yer folks send ya to St. Switchhit's in da foist place?" "Don't you _know_?" RuBarb asked incredulously. Bugs laughed. "Er, no, see, I erased yer file before I got a chance ta _read_ dat part..." "You'll laugh..." "Dat remains to be seen. Go on..." "Well... I wouldn't eat my cat food." Bugs stared at her. "How's dat again?" "I'm a _vegetarian_, Bugs..." "I don't care _what_ yer religion is, I like ya!" "(groan)..." "Sorry," Bugs grinned. "Couldn't resist. Keep goin'..." "I guess they thought I was being disobedient; but I'm allergic to meat. They probably reckoned it was easier than disowning me outright..." "Hmmm..." Bugs thought out loud. "I knew a Warner Brudders staffer in da same predicament. Name o' Tedd Pierce. Wouldn't eat his lobster..." RuBarb was understandably confused. "And his parents sent him to a wayward girls' school?" "Eh... no; although knowin' him, he probably woulda enjoyed it!" he smiled. He then turned his attention to Rhubella. "And as for _you_, young lady..." "You don't need to say it, sir," she muttered sadly. "I'll have my locker cleaned out tomorrow morning..." With that, she turned her wheelchair in the direction of the door. "Whoa! Just a minute, kid, did I say you were gettin' kicked outta here, hmm?" Bugs' question caused Ruby to stop in her tracks. "But... but... I don't understand..." Ruby was understandably confused. "Den lemme lay it out for ya," Bugs explained. "See, while I don't exactly _approve_ o' what you and RuBarb was tryin' to do, I can't fault yer reasons. An' besides, ya meant well. I was glad ta hear you didn't wanna go changin' da Acme Loo records..." he added. Ruby narrowed her eyes. "Just how long _were_ you standing in the door, anyway?" "Oh, long enough," he said. "Anyhow, if it ever gets out dat da principal of Acme Loo was goin' around alterin' udder schools' records, not to mention his own, how long do ya t'ink I'd have a job?" Bugs added by way of explanation. "I _see_," Ruby said. "So, what you're saying is..." "What I'm sayin' is as far as da t'ree of us are concoined, nuttin' happened tonight, got it?" Ruby breathed a sigh of relief. "Got it, sir..." she said, and turned to leave, thankful that she was off the hook, even though she didn't deserve to be. "Bugs," he reminded her. "Oh, one more t'ing..." "Yes, Bugs?" Ruby stopped and looked back at him. "If I _ever_ hear of you pullin' a stunt like dis again, NEXT time I won't go so easy on ya! Get it?" She knew he meant every word of it. "Got it, Bugs." Bugs then turned his attention back to RuBarb. "Oh, one udder t'ing, RuBarb... you haven't got any place else ta stay, have ya?" She shook her head. "No..." "Dat's _your_ opinion," he smiled, picking up his phone and dialing a number. "Hey dere, Penelope... whaddaya mean, who is dis? Quit jokin'... Yeah. Listen, ya got da dorms open for business yet? Good, I got a tenant for ya... yeah, dat's her... right, da kid wit' da egg salad fetish, hehehe... okay, t'anks. Bye!" Hanging up, he said, "Well, you're all set, kid... you know where da dorms are?" "Yeah, Bugs, and thanks... for everything." "Eh, don't mention it. Just try ta stay outta trouble, okay?" "I will if _you_ will, sir." "Watch it, you!" Bugs winked. "Hey, Ruby, can I give ya a lift home?" He already know the answer. "If it's all the same to you, Bugs, I think I'll help RuBarb get settled in tonight." "What 'settled in?'" RuBarb asked, slightly surprised. "I didn't _bring_ anything when I got here..." "Don't argue, okay? Besides, somebody's gotta keep an eye on you..." "Get outta here!" Bugs laughed. After the events of the day, they were only too happy to oblige. As he watched them go, Sylvia entered the office. He didn't even turn around. "You okay now, Syl?" "I guess. I'm more shaken than anything else, but other than that, I'm fine." She paused uncertainly. "Bugs?" "Yeah?" "What if those horrid women try to make trouble for you again?" "Didn't ya read da script, Syl? Dey're out somewhere in da night sky never ta be seen again! Don't worry about it..." "If you say so, chief..." she answered uneasily. "But...?" "Something tells me they're not the kind of people who like to stick to the script." "Look, if dat's da case, den we'll worry about it when or if it happens, okay? Now why don't ya go home and get some rest, huh? I'll see ya Monday..." he smiled reassuringly. "Okay, Bugs. See you." After she left, Bugs looked absently into the night sky and wondered if Sylvia might be right. "Bugsy, are you ready to go?" "Hmm?" Bugs hadn't even heard Honey Bunny come in. "Is Sylvia gonna be all right?" "Her? Oh yeah, she'll be fine. It's RuBarb I'm worried about..." "What do you mean?" A smile appeared on his face. "I'm afraid she might wind up corruptin' Ruby's morals..." "_Bugsy_..." Meanwhile, Ruby and RuBarb were checking out the cat's new home. "Whoa! Nice pad, cat!" Rhubella said admiringly. "You aren't kidding," she agreed. "A lot nicer than the last place, that's for _darned_ sure." "You girls let me know if you need anything, okay?" Penelope asked in her lightly accented voice. "We will, Penelope. Thanks," RuBarb said. After the door closed behind her, Rhubella eyed RuBarb as if something were on her mind. "Okay, rodent, out with it..." "Well... how can I put this?" she hesitated. "RuBarb, can _you_ keep a secret?" "Better than _you_ can," she teased. "Well, we'll see about that," Ruby said slyly. "What is it?" RuBarb asked, her curiosity peaking. Rhubella smiled wickedly. "I think it'll be better if I _show_ you... but remember, you can't tell _ANYBODY_..." The suspense was killing her. "Show me _what?_" "Oh, just this..." As Ruby demonstrated her 'secret', RuBarb could only say, "I assume you've got a good _reason_ for this." "Oh, I _do_," Ruby smiled. "Order up some egg salad sandwiches, kiddo. It's a _long_ story..." -0- "Agnes?" Miss Treatment pulled her head out of the sand that covers the great Mojave Desert and looked crossly at her cohort, spitting out a mouthful of that same sand. "PTUI! What IS it, Letitia?" "What do we do now? If it _isn't_ her..." "Don't be a little fool. It's _her_, all right!" She spit out some more sand. "That Bugs Bunny thinks he's so clever..." A look came over her that was indescribably evil. "He's gonna find out that there's-- shall I say it?" "Can I stop you?" "Shaddup... where was I?..." She recollected her thoughts (such as they were) and continued. "Shall we say, 'more than one way to skin a cat?'" The way she laughed made even Miss Informed shudder. From the sound of it, she knew Miss Treatment meant that _literally_... [to be continued...?] -0- The gang sat spellbound as RuBarb finished her tale. "So, there it is, in a nutshell. And of course, you all know what Ruby's 'big secret' turned out to be," she added. "Of course, some parts I had to guess at, but I'm pretty sure they happened just as I said." "Wow, that's some story," Miranda said. "You know, it just needs one more thing..." "Oh? What's that?" RuBarb asked, as Ruby started in on a delicious chocolate milkshake. "An editor..." Miranda replied, and then instinctively ducked for cover as delicious chocolate milkshake went spraying out of Ruby's nose... =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Story (C) 12/25/97 by Jerry D. Withers and Lee M. Withers. Frames suggested by HKUriah, and written by Jerry D. Withers 1/9/98. Version 1.1 (Revised) (C) 2/4/2000. All Rights Reserved. All characters (C)1997 Warner Bros. Animation, Inc. and are used without permission, except as follows: "RuBarb", "Miranda Mink"*,"Miss (Agnes) Treatment"* and "Miss (Letitia) Informed"* (C)1996, 1997* by Jerry D. Withers. "Bethany Bunny" (C)1997 Lee M. Withers. George Mackerel appeared as himself. Andrew Ridgely didn't appear at all. This story, like everything else we come up with, is a work of fan fiction, and is not intended to be taken as canon. No claim is made by the authors upon the copyrights held by the copyright owners. So there. Special thanks to Zachary A. Zulkowski ("Zax") for coming up with the last name "Purrenstein", some forgotten book of baby names for supplying me with "Rudelle" (in the 'Worst Names for Girls' chapter! ;-) ), and especially to the group SAILOR, whose music helps to get me through the rough spots. And, of course, thanks, as always, to the usual suspects: Kevin for his suggestions, and the Tri-Cities Free-Net for the email access that makes all this stuff possible... and, of course, to you for reading this. Very special thanks to Lee M. Withers for adding so many lines to this story that I *had* to give him co-authorship credit! :) =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=