"If Wishes Were Horses..." by Jerry D. Withers (Furrball T. Cat)
(jwithers@tcfn.org)

                                      -0-

     Prologue: 1990...

     Denys Rat was understandably nervous, even though he was hiding it well
under, as that old song said, a mask of false bravado. He had every reason to
be nervous. Ever since he got his first camera as a boy in the wilds of
Sydney, Australia, he'd always dreamed of one day becoming one of those
photojournalists whose work he admired so much, who were able to tell a story
effectively with just a few snapshots. And now, here he was, about to do the
same (he hoped). And if he was lucky, he might live to tell about it. That was
the reason he was nervous. The odds were very good (if one could call them
that) that he might not.
     There had been rumors circulating around this otherwise peaceful town,
known as Acme Acres, that somewhere, someone was busy manufacturing a
dangerous substance. A liquid so destructive, that to be in possession of it
alone was illegal, to say nothing of making it.
     Dip.
     The very word sent shivers through him, as it did through any toon. An
extremely toxic mix of ink and paint remover, it was the only thing that could
kill a toon outright. Denys had heard horror stories about it from other
toons, and had come to one conclusion: He'd sure as heck hate to come in
contact with it. Especially since he was a family man with a loving wife, a
teenage daughter who practically worshipped him... and another daughter on the
way.
     He'd carefully mapped out his strategy with his editor at the Acme
Gazette. It seemed like a good one: If he didn't call the paper in an hour,
they were to call the cops, no matter what. He was hoping it wouldn't have to
come to that. He knew what that would mean.
     He'd purposely taken the bus to avoid any suspicion, and walked the rest
of the way. Denys now found himself outside a warehouse. Quietly, he entered
through a side door and had a quick look around, making sure to stay out of
sight as much as possible. The place seemed strangely deserted. It could very
well be a trap, but that was a risk he had to take. He grabbed his trusty
Hasselblad and took one or two shots before he saw it.
     There, in the center of the floor, was a big vat of dip. His stomach
tightened in a knot and his heart raced feverishly. He didn't dare come any
closer to it than he had to (for obvious reasons). Looking up, he saw a
network of thick wooden beams. Perfect, he thought. He could climb on those,
stay out of sight, and snap all the pictures he needed. Quietly, he climbed up
a pile of boxes and reached one of the beams. It was thick, sturdy, and would
easily conceal him. He sat on top of it and snapped a few pictures. Strange,
he thought, that there was nobody here. He decided to take two more shots and
get out while the getting was good. He lay down flat against the beam to get a
different perspective. That's when he noticed it.
     Some fiend had put sneezing powder all over the beam, and he was face to
face with it. He tried to stop, but unfortunately, couldn't prevent himself
from emitting a loud, violent sneeze. That one sneeze was enough. Suddenly, he
felt himself falling from his perch and heading straight towards the dip.
Thinking quickly, he threw his camera as far away from the vat as he could. It
landed just outside. Denys closed his eyes and muttered a quick prayer... and
that was the last thing he ever remembered...

                                      -0-

     Ten years later...

     Rhubella Rat was hesitant about coming to this house. She had never been
here before, but had often heard strange stories about it from her
schoolmates, both the ones at Perfecto Prep and Acme Loo. What struck her as
weird was the fact that both sets of students' tales seemed to agree about the
house. And the occupant. And the fact that Ruby *knew* that occupant made it
(for her, at least) doubly unsettling.
     It looked rather nice, from the outside. She studied it closely. Only the
beaded curtains looked, well, unorthodox. Taking a deep breath and clutching
her purse - tightly - she approached the front door and rang the bell, which
emitted the sound of wind chimes.
     The door opened, and Ruby was immediately overtaken with the scent of
incense and patchouli wafting from inside. In most cases, either one could be
overdone to the point of being noxious (or obnoxious, depending on how you
chose to look at it). In this instance, however, the mixture was just right,
and seemed to exert a calming influence on her. (But she still held tightly to
her purse.)
     "Like, hello or some junk... Ruby?" asked Shirley the Loon, who was
surprised to see Ruby here.
     "Hi, Shirley," the rat said. "Your doorbell's broken."
     "Yeah, I know. That's what I get for hiring those stupid Platypus
Brothers to do my repair work."
     "That figures. I never could tell them apart."
     "Doesn't matter. They're both incompetent. But since you asked, like,
Timothy's the one with the glasses."
     "Oh." Ruby then turned to more important matters (certainly more
important than which Platypus brother was which). "May I come in?"
     "Well, like, sure." Ruby did so, and Shirley motioned her to sit down on
the floor. "So, like, what brings you here?"
     "Aren't you the one who's supposed to see all and know all and like
that?" Rhubella chided the loon.
     "I can't work with a clouded mind, Ruby..."
     "I'm not here to discuss the Platypus Brothers..." This brought a wicked
grin to Shirley.
     "I'll, like, give you that one, 'kay? Now, just relax..." Ruby closed
her eyes, took some deep breaths, and did as Shirl suggested. "'Kay, better
now?"
     "A little, yeah," Ruby smiled. "Shirl, the reason I'm here..."
     "You want me to contact a spirit for you?"
     "Yeah! How did you know?"
     Shirley gave her an enigmatic smile. "You're, like, kidding or some junk,
right?"
     "Sorry... I forgot..."
     "Well, don't be... Who did you have in mind?"
     Ruby swallowed hard, and forced herself to say it. "My... my dad."
     "Oh." It was common knowledge by now that Ruby's dad, Denys, a
photojournalist, had fallen into an illegal vat of dip while covering a story
for the Acme Gazette when Ruby was thirteen. Ruby still couldn't bring herself
to talk much about it without falling to pieces; they were that close. "Did
you, like, bring anything that belonged to him?"
     Ruby relaxed her clutch on her purse, opening it up and handing Shirl a
magnifying glass. "He used this to check for imperfections in the negatives.
It's the best I could do..."
     "'Sokay, it'll work," Shirley reassured her, assuming the lotus position
and going into her mantra. "OhwhataloonIam, ohwhataloonIam, ohwhataloonIam..."
She kept this up for about another minute and a half before finally coming to
a stop. There was an uneasy silence. Shirley handed Ruby back the magnifying
glass. 
     "Shirley? Something wrong?"
     "Like, I don't think it's gonna work," the loon replied cautiously.
     "I knew it," Ruby muttered. "I should have found something else..."
     "No, like, that's not it at all, Ruby," Shirley said, choosing her words
very carefully. "See, it wouldn't have mattered what you brought me..."
     "Why not?"
     "Well... how can I, like, put this?" She considered whether she should
even be telling this to Ruby at all. It was bound to upset her one way or the
other. Finally, she sighed. "Rhubella, I... that is... well, I can't... I've
never had this happen before..."
     "Had *what* happen before?" Ruby asked, starting to grow impatient.
"Shirley, what aren't you telling me?"
     "You're sure you want to know?"
     "Yes!"
     "Okay... but you're never going to believe it..."
     Ruby stared hard at Shirley. "*Try* me."
     "If you insist," Shirley said softly, putting a wing on Ruby's shoulder.
"I can't do what you want me to do."
     "Uh huh," Ruby muttered skeptically. "And just why not?"
     "Well, it's like this... I can only channel the spirits of those who are
departed..."
     "Just not very well..." Ruby sighed caustically.
     "Rhubella, weren't you listening?"
     "Sure. You can only channel the spirits of the departed. What has that
got to do with...?"
     "That's what I'm having trouble telling you, Ruby," Shirley said. "I
can't channel your father because, well... he's like, not dead."
     Ruby stared at Shirley as if she were insane. "Say that again?"
     "Ruby... your father is still alive!"
     Ruby continued to stare at Shirley.
     Then she fainted.

                                      -0-

     When Ruby finally came to, she found herself resting on a beanbag pillow,
Shirley holding out a cup of herbal tea. "Here, Ruby, drink this. It'll calm
you down," the loon offered.
     Reluctantly, Ruby did as Shirl suggested. After a few gulps, she set the
cup down on the floor. "Shirley, what happened?"
     "As Buster would put it, you fainted, Rat Babe."
     "Oh." Ruby reached for the cup. "Shirl, did you say what I *think* you
said?" The loon nodded, looking at Ruby with sympathetic eyes. "Are you...
sure?" Shirley nodded again.
     "As sure as I can possibly get."
     "I... I don't understand it..." Ruby mumbled. "*No* toon could survive a
fall into a vat of dip! It's just not possible!"
     "Like, who _said_ he fell into it?"
     "Well, the police report, for one. When Dad didn't check in like he was
supposed to, the paper alerted the cops, and when they got there, all they
found were his camera lying next to that big vat of dip, and not much else...
except for his hat floating on top... what was left of it..." Ruby had to
fight back the tears at this point. "What else were we supposed to think?"
     Shirley contemplated heavily for a few seconds. "I'm not sure..."
     "Shirley, you'd better not be suggesting what I *think* you are," Ruby
warned her bitterly.
     "That your father faked his own death? No, I'm not getting *those* kind
of vibes, Ruby..." Shirley brought a wing to her beak. "Let me see that
magnifying glass again, 'kay? I wanna see if I can do this..."
     "Well, all right," Ruby said uncertainly, handing it back to Shirl. "Here
you go... do *what*, by the way?"
     Shirley grasped onto it and concentrated hard. "See that wall over
there?" The loon girl pointed to a bare white wall. Ruby nodded. "Well, keep
your eyes on it... OhwhataloonIam... OhwhataloonIam... Like, I'm getting a
picture... uh huh..."
     "A picture of *what*?" Ruby blurted out. "Oops! I'm s'posed to be quiet,
aren't I?"
     "No, not really," Shirley reassured her. "And see for yourself." Ruby
continued to focus on the wall, which, to her surprise, began to show a
picture like one of those flat screen TV's. At the same time, a fluorescent
green beam of light bounced off the wall into the VCR on top of Shirley's
television set, recording everything the loon was projecting. A lone figure
was seen in the picture, causing Ruby to gasp. "Like, is that your father,
Ruby?" Shirl asked, her eyes closed to help her concentrate better.
     "Y-yeah," she replied nervously, not really sure she wanted to see this.
     "So, like, where is he?"
     "He's in that deserted warehouse where they were making the dip... he's
balanced on a beam above the vat... he's taking photographs..."
     Shirley broke concentration for a second, and the picture (and the VCR)
froze. "Ruby, do you want me to continue?" she asked softly.
     "I have to know," Ruby said through gritted teeth. "One way or the other.
Go on." Shirley concentrated again, and the 'movie' took up from where it left
off. "Okay... now he's lying flat on the beam to get a better shot... now he's
sneezing... he... he's falling... wait... oh, my gosh!"
     "What is it, Ruby?"
     "He's throwing his camera off... it misses the vat... oooch!" Ruby winced
as if she'd just seen Plucky get hit with an anvil. Her next words were spoken
with quiet incredulity. "He hit the _rim_ of the vat... the impact knocked his
hat into it... but *he* never fell in it!" Ruby looked at Shirley in
amazement. "He hit the ground after that... now he's getting up, a little
woozy... now he's wandering off..." At that point, the picture faded to black.
"Shirley? What's wrong? Where's the picture?"
     "Hold on... it's becoming fuzzy... I'm losing contact. Sorry, Ruby, but
that's, like, the best I can do," Shirley sighed, before handing the glass
back to Ruby. Both girls remained in stunned silence for quite a bit after
that. The only sound in the room was that of the VCR rewinding the tape
inside. Finally, when Ruby spoke, it was in a quavering whisper, tears rolling
down her face.
     "I don't believe it... He never fell in..."

                                      -0-

     If Rhubella was a jangle of nerves _before_ she'd visited Shirley, now
she was a raging cacophony. It didn't seem possible; yet Shirley was almost
never wrong when it came to dealing in things of the psychic realm. And Ruby
had seen the evidence with her own eyes. Not only that, she had the video as
conclusive proof. But, even if Shirl were right, it still left some unanswered
questions, such as, if Denys *were* still alive, where did he wander off to,
and where had he *been* for the last ten years? Did he even know who he was
anymore? And how could Ruby break the news to her mother?
     Ruby was still in a fog as she wandered around Acme Park; so much so,
that she almost fell into the duck pond. Fortunately, a hand reached out to
pull her back to dry land just in time. "Huh? Wha...?"
     "Hey, didn't mean to interrupt you, Ruby," Adam Fox smiled. "Although I
might suggest that there _are_ other places to go around town if you want to
go for a swim."
     "Oh!" Ruby blushed, shaking off the brain fog. "Thanks, Adam. I wasn't
watching where I was going."
     "No kidding," he noted with a smile. "What's the problem, Red?" He
motioned towards the nearest bench, and the two toons sat down.
     "Well, Adam, it's like this..." Ruby then told him all that had
transpired at Shirley's house. "I just don't know what to do. I mean, what if
my dad really _is_ alive?"
     "Can I skip the remarks about having to pay back the insurance money and
the trust fund and all that?"
     "Please do."
     "Okay. Suppose Shirley is right. It seems *somebody* would have seen your
dad around Acme Acres in the last ten years and let you know, wouldn't they?"
     "If he was still here," Ruby mused thoughtfully. "Shirley lost his
picture after he wandered off. Who knows _where_ he could have gone after
that?"
     "Yeah, good point. If your dad was that well known, that would be one
explanation," Adam reasoned. "That bang on the head when he hit the vat might
have induced amnesia, too. Maybe he doesn't know who he is... if Shirley's
right, that is..."
     "If she's right," Ruby agreed. "But in that case, where on earth would
you start looking?"
     "Haven't the slightest idea, Red. Darn shame you've only got her word to
go on..."
     "Wait a minute," Ruby declared, opening her purse and handing Adam the
priceless video. "I almost forgot about this!"
     "Don't tell me she made a video of her thought projection..."
     "She did, and don't say 'I asked you not to tell me that'."
     "Okay... You, um, haven't told your mom about this yet, have you?" Ruby
looked down at the ground. "I thought not... Don't really blame you, Ruby..."
Adam handed her the video. "Here. You'd better hold on to this, Red. I've got
a feeling you may need this."
     "Thanks, Adam," Ruby smiled hesitantly. All the while, one thought kept
racing through her mind: 'Daddy, where the heck did you _go_?'

                                      -0-

     Meanwhile, back in 1990...

     Denys shook off the tremendous headache he was feeling at that moment. He
rested against the outside of the warehouse to catch his breath, simply glad
to be alive after surviving... surviving... whatever it was he'd just
survived. Odd. One would think he'd know what he was doing here... With mild
panic setting in, he realized that he no longer knew who he was, or what he
was doing here. Frantically, he rummaged through his pockets for his wallet.
He came up empty. He vaguely remembered falling towards some sort of vat, put
two and two together, and reasoned that the wallet must have fallen in.
'Blast', he thought. 'If I had any credit cards, they're gone now.'
     He stopped to think. Why would he think that? Some instinct told him he'd
better not go in there to fish it out. Oh well, maybe he could find someone in
town who knew who he was. He shrugged and started the long walk back to Acme
Acres.
     He had only gone two blocks when the car pulled up. There were two
occupants inside, vaguely human in appearance. The driver was a big dopey
looking character, and the other was a sawed-off little runt who wore a hat
that practically covered his eyes, with a cigarette dangling from his mouth.
Denys peeked in, smiling, under the circumstances, his most ingratiating
smile. "Excuse me, gentlemen, can you tell me how to...?"
     "Get in," the small guy with the big hat said.
     "Well, thanks," Denys smiled, getting in the car, and fitting himself in
the back seat as best he could... which was hard with all those bags of money
taking up the room. "Nice padding. What did you do, win on a game show?" he
laughed.
     The short guy laughed in staccato. "Heh heh heh... game show, he says...
Drive, Muggsy."
     "Okay, Rocky..." Muggsy drove, as far away from Acme Acres as he could,
with Rocky at his side, and Denys in the back seat, wondering how he could get
on a game show that offered that much moolah. Denys yawned, stretched, and
settled in for a quick nap. Which wasn't easy, considering a) the speed at
which Muggsy was driving, b) the sirens blaring from the police cars chasing
them, or c) the way Muggsy came to a sudden stop against the police roadblock,
which threw Denys violently forward, the money falling on top of him.      
     When he poked his head out, he noticed not a few state troopers pointing 
.38 Specials in his direction. Denys smiled his most ingratiating smile and 
asked, "Is there a problem, officers?"
     At the resultant trial, even his court-appointed attorney told him that
nobody in their right mind would believe a cockamamie story like the one Denys
had told him, and that his best bet would be to try and throw himself on the
mercy of the court. Denys smiled his most ingratiating smile at the jury, who
growled at him like a pack of starving dogs. He pulled at his shirt collar,
and a huge blast of steam escaped, which was accompanied by a blast from a
factory whistle. He'd have had better luck throwing himself in front of a
speeding coal train.
     As he was being sentenced to twenty years, Denys sighed, and made a brief
mental note to stop flashing that ingratiating smile. For some reason, it just
seemed to be getting him into trouble...                                     

                                      -0-

     Okay. Back to the present...

     Ruby came home to find Rhonda in the attic, going through box after box
of mementos. "Oh, Ruby, I'm glad you're here."
     "Makes two of us," she grinned. "Er... you lose something?"
     "Yeah," her mother sighed in frustration. "You remember your father's
magnifying glass? The one he used to check his negatives with?"
     "Uh huh," Ruby answered, hoping the nervousness in her voice was
imperceptible. "What about it?"
     "I can't find it," Rhonda exhaled, throwing her hands up in the air in a
surrendering gesture. "And I've looked everywhere for it!"
     "Well, it'll turn up somewhere," Ruby replied confidently. "You know how
these things are, they usually wind up in the last place you'll think to look
for them..." She turned to go back downstairs, and tripped on a small scatter
rug. "OOPS!" She hit the floor, sending her purse sailing through the air and
landing at Rhonda's feet, dislodging its contents. Rhonda stared at the
magnifying glass, then at Ruby, who could only laugh weakly, "Heh heh... well
whaddaya know? Who thought it would be there?"
     "Rhubella," Rhonda stated flatly, "I don't mind that you had this, but I
do wish you'd have asked me first. I trust you've got a good explanation..."
     "Well... yes and no..."
     "Meaning?"
     "I've got an explanation... I just don't know how good you'll think it
is..."
     "Humor me," Rhonda suggested, folding her arms. It was then she noticed
the video. "And what's this?" she asked, picking it up and looking it over.
     "NO!!!" Ruby yelled, then caught herself, albeit too late. "I mean, that
is..."
     "I'm waiting..."
     "Oh, bother... Mom, I've got something to tell you that you're not going
to believe..."
     "And..."
     "Well... you're holding it..."

                                      -0-

     "You did *WHAT*?!?" Rhonda practically screeched. "Ruby, you *know* how
I feel about that sort of stuff! Even if it _IS_ Shirley!"
     "I know, Mom," Ruby half-whispered. "I'm sorry... I just wanted... come
to think of it, I'm not that sure *what* I wanted... but I just... oh, drat...
I just *knew* this wasn't going to be easy. Mom, you'd better sit down for
this..." Rhonda sat down. Ruby sat down beside her and took a deep breath.
"Mom... I think Dad's still alive..."
     Rhonda looked at Ruby with a puzzled expression on her face. At last, she
exhaled, put a hand on Ruby's shoulder, and said, "Have you been nipping at
the grain alcohol lately?"
     "No, Mom, of course not!"
     "Good. That'll leave more for me."
     "Mom, you don't drink..."
     "I do now! Ruby, do you know what you're saying?!?"
     "Mother, I wouldn't have believed it either if I hadn't seen it
myself..."
     "That's it. I'm investing in a distillery... WHAT are you talking about?"
Rhonda's eyes fell instinctively to the video. "That?" Ruby nodded meekly.
Rhonda placed one hand at her side, and buried her head in the other. Finally,
she took a deep breath, released it, and said, "Play it." Ruby did so. Rhonda
stared closely at it, not believing what she was seeing. Her eyes went wider
than she thought possible as she saw Denys hit the ground, get up, and wander
off. "My gosh... it... it's true... he survived..." she whispered, tears
rolling freely down her cheeks.
     "Mom?" Ruby asked nervously. "Are... are you gonna be okay?"
     "Ruby, be a dear and... just leave me alone for a few minutes, okay?"
Rhonda asked quietly.
     Ruby nodded silently, and stepped outside, quietly closing the door
behind her. She knew this had been a mistake, she just *knew* it. Ruby hadn't
even gotten halfway down the sidewalk when she heard it:
     An ear-splitting "**YAHOOOO!!!**" that broke all the windows on the
block. Next door, Daffy peered out of his now glassless window and muttered,
"I *hate* rock and roll..."

                                      -0-

     After Rhonda's initial euphoria had died down, and the WB art department
painted in some new windows, Ruby hastily explained that the video _was_ a
thought projection from ten years ago. "I don't care if it's a CD from Ten
Years After," Rhonda said enthusiastically. "If your father could survive
*that*, he could survive anything! Besides, didn't you tell me that Shirley
couldn't channel living toons?"
     "I thought you didn't believe in that stuff..."
     "Um, I don't," Rhonda hemmed and hawed. "But I'm willing to make the odd
exception... and THIS is as odd as it gets!" She sat back down on the sofa.
"Ruby, I... well... Heck, you're 23 now, you're old enough."
     "Old enough for what?"
     "Don't start," Rhonda cautioned her daughter with a smirk. "Ruby, haven't
you ever wondered why I've never seriously considered getting remarried?" Ruby
had to admit that she hadn't. "Well, it's because, deep down, I was always
holding out hope that your father was still alive, somewhere. That video may
be just the proof."
     "Or it may be just wishful thinking... on both of our parts..."
     "Yeah, well, your dad always used to say, 'If wishes were horses, pigs
would fly'." Rhonda paused and scratched her head. "I *still* don't know what
he meant by that."
     "Me, neither. Daddy never *was* very good with a maxim. Right now, I'd
settle for simply knowing where to start looking for him," Ruby sighed. "Ten
years is an awfully long time to be gone, even for a toon..."

                                      -0-

     The years had been pretty darn good to Denys, even if life itself had
given him a cheap shot. He decided he might as well make the most of his
situation, and had proven himself a model prisoner. In one of life's myriad
little ironies, he'd even found a position on the prison paper as (of all
things) a photojournalist. Unfortunately, he still had no idea who he was
(which was why he used the byline 'John Doe Groon'), but right now, that was
the least of his worries. He had a surprise appointment with the warden.
     Nervously, he entered the warden's office. "You wanted to see me, sir?"
Denys asked.
     "Have a seat, um... er... whoever you are," Warden Washington said. Denys
sat down. "Don't get too comfortable, you won't be here that much longer, er...
um... whatever your name is," the warden advised. Denys gulped. NOW what did
he do? Was his glowing review of "An Innocent Man" that bad? "I'll come right
to the point... you. We've been experiencing a lot of overcrowding these
days... so, we're going to have to let you go."
     "Gee, this is just like being fired, only worse," Denys sighed.
     "Yes. Actually, we're giving you time off for good behavior and letting
you out early. I know it's going to be tough on you, but, that's the way it
is." The warden leaned forward in his chair. "Um, still don't know who you
are?"
     "Haven't the foggiest," Denys shrugged.
     "Well, we can't solve all your problems," the warden smiled. "Tell you
what we can do, though. When you were arrested, you were found in the back of
a getaway car with a pile of loot that was stolen from the Acme Acres National
Bank. Does that name ring a bell?"
     "Not in the slightest. I've never even _heard_ of Acme Acres... but I
guess I can start over there as well as anywhere else."
     "*That's* the spirit," the warden smiled, shaking his hand, handing Denys
a small suitcase, a hundred dollar bill, a bus ticket, a slip of paper, and
showing him the door (well, actually, the gate). "Based on your work on the
paper, I've convinced the editor of the Acme Gazette to give you a chance.
Just try to stay out of trouble, son."
     "Thank you, sir..."
     "Don't mention it," the warden smiled, booting Denys out of the prison
with a size 12EE clodhopper and closing the gate behind him. "Idiot," he
muttered...

                                     -0-

     "All out for Acme Acres!" The bus driver's announcement woke Denys up
from his sleep. It had been a long bus trip. Denys looked around and saw he
was the only passenger. He got off of the bus (actually, the driver booted him
out with a size 12EE clodhopper), picked himself up, dusted himself off, and
had a look around. Now that he thought about it, he could have sworn he'd seen
this place before. Some parts of it looked familiar, but others didn't. He'd
never seen that large orange and green sign advertising Carrotte's restaurant
before, nor the one indicating the presence of the LonToon Bank. Inwardly, he
shuddered. After what he'd been through, perhaps it might be a good idea to
stay away from banks for a while.
     Staying away from restaurants, however, was another matter. He was
feeling a bit peckish after that bus trip. He was just about to enter
Carrotte's when he heard the faint click of a camera behind him. He froze
briefly before turning around. "Excuse me, I'm trying to do a photo essay for
my homework assignment and you're blocking my view," said a ten year old girl
rat holding the camera.
     "Oh, I'm sorry," Denys sighed, and decided to try risking that
ingratiating smile again. "Exactly what are you photographing?"
     "Doors."
     Denys raised his eyebrows and chuckled. "Doors? That's a new one on me!"
     "Yeah, well, 4th Grade is weird anyway... but then, so's the so-called
school I attend."
     "I suppose... that's an interesting looking camera you've got, little
girl..."
     "My name's Roberta. Roberta Denyse Rat. But you can call me Bobbie for
short. This used to be my daddy's camera," she said, scrunching her face up as
she struggled to pronounce the name. "It's a Habblephlat... er, I mean a
Handkerchief... or is it Hasselhoff?... you'll have to excuse me. The doctor
says I'm dyspeptic..."
     Denys had to stifle a small giggle. "I think you mean 'dyslexic'."
     "What's the difference?" Denys told her. "Yikes! I'll never get that wrong
again!" Bobbie declared, pointing to the camera. "Now that we've established
that, what is *that* word?"
     "It's 'Hasselblad'," Denys corrected her. "Awfully expensive camera for a
kid like you to be lugging around..."
     "Look, just because I can't read is no excuse to be patronizing," Roberta
told him.
     "I'm sorry," he apologized.
     Roberta shrugged. "Hey, it's okay. It could be worse. I could've been a
hedgehog."
     Denys scratched his head over that piece of kid logic. "All right,
Bobbie. You say this was your dad's camera?"
     "Yeah. He was a photographer for the local fishwrap, the Acme Gazette. He
fell in a vat of dip."
     "Oh, that's too bad," Denys noted sadly. Even in prison, the inmates had
all heard of that stuff. "Um, if you don't mind my asking, Roberta, when did
this happen?"
     "Ten years ago," she replied matter of factly. "Shortly before I was
born. I was named for him."
     "His name was Robert?"
     "No, Denys. We're still trying to figure out who Robert is. You know, you
look an awful lot like him... but then, most rats look alike. So, where are
you from?"
     "Oh, here and there... You think I could get a bite to eat?" he asked,
motioning towards the restaurant.
     "It's your stomach," she shrugged.
     "Thanks, I'll bear that in mind," Denys laughed. "Pleasure meeting you,
Roberta."
     "You don't get out much, do you?"
     "As a matter of fact... oh, never mind," Denys smiled, before going
inside and finding a table. 'Cute kid', he thought.
     "Hi, welcome to Carrotte's," smiled a gorgeous black cat who handed him a
menu. "My name's RuBarb, and I'll be your waitress..."
     "Thank you. Um, RuBarb, you see that girl outside taking photos of the
door?"
     "Hm?" Rue peered through the window. "Oh, you mean Roberta?"
     "Yes. We were talking briefly..."
     "Roberta talking briefly? THAT'S a first! She's weird, but we put up with
her..." Denys's raised eyebrows told Rue he didn't think much of her
assessment. "I'm kidding. She's all right... Say, are you married?"
     "Well, thank you, but I hardly think I'm your type. Besides, I'm probably
old enough to be your father... if I were a cat, that is..."
     "That would come as a huge shock to _my_ father," Rue laughed. "Anyway,
I'm engaged already... to a rat, as it happens. But you know something? I know
someone who works here who'd probably love to meet someone like you..."
     "That's debatable," Denys sighed, picking up the menu and reading it from
front to back. "Unless she's got a thing for ex-cons..."
     "You were in prison?" Rue asked, sitting down across from Denys. "What in
the world for?"
     "Would you believe hitching a ride?" Denys smiled, telling RuBarb the
condensed version of the last ten years. "And that's all there is to it... at
least, all I can remember. Everything before that is just a blank."
     "Well, sounds to me like you got the short end of the stick!"
     "Really? Whatever gave you *that* idea?" Denys smiled forlornly.
     "Just a hunch. Listen, for what it's worth, I know all about being
punished for something you never did, and I'm sure that..." Rue looked up to
see Rhonda entering through the back door. "Wait a minute, there she is now...
No, don't look! You just stay where you're at and I'll introduce you."
     "As whom?"
     "Oh, yeah... well, we'll think of something," Rue smiled, looking at him
with those emerald green eyes that had already smitten one Nigel Carrotte.
"I'll be right back..." She dashed off to the kitchen.
     'Well, they certainly have friendly service around here,' Denys thought,
and went back to perusing the menu. Meanwhile, Rue was telling Rhonda about
this nice ex-con rat seated at table #3 who'd been talking to Roberta. BIG
mistake.
     "What?!?" Rhonda shrieked. "Rue, do you know how many *kooks* are out
there in the world?"
     "Depends, Ms. R. Are we including the Platypus Brothers?"
     "Okay, I'll give you _that_ one..." Rhonda replied, grabbing a cast iron
skillet and heading to the main dining area. Before Rue could stop her, Rhonda
was in back of Denys, skillet raised. "All right, you creep! You stay away
from my daughter!" she ordered, bringing the skillet down on his head with a
terrible thud. Denys complied with the laws of gravity by falling backwards
onto the floor, unconscious. That's when Rhonda got a really good look at him.
Then she shrieked... loudly. "**DENYS**!!!"
     The poor rat, who'd already been through enough in the last decade,
briefly regained consciousness, focusing on the gorgeous strawberry blonde rat
kneeling beside him with tears in her eyes and a skillet in her paws. "Oh,
man, my..." His eyes went wider than a sumo wrestler. "Ro... Ronnie?!? Why for
did you whomp me with a cast iron skillet??" Then he blacked out again.
     Rue was the first one to the phone, and hastily dialed the Rats' home
number. "Come on, be home," she muttered excitedly.
     After an eternity, Rhubella finally answered the phone. "Hello?"
     "Ruby? It's Rue," she said breathlessly. "Was your father's name Denys?"
     "Yeah... why?"
     "That's what I thought. You'd better get down to Carrotte's NOW!"
     "Why? What's the matter?"
     "Unless I'm wrong, your mother just whomped your father with a
skillet..."
     RuBarb had to hold the phone away from her ear in order to avoid being
deafened by the piercing scream from the other end of the line...


                                      -0-

     When Denys came to *again*, he was sprawled on a couch in the Carrotte's
office, a cold compress on his head, surrounded by Rue, Rhonda, Roberta, and
Lillian Carrotte, who couldn't keep from noting, "Well, Ronnie, that's
certainly a novel way to meet men, I'll give you that much..."
     "Um, thanks... I think..." Her train of thought was briefly derailed by
the sound of Rhubella barging in. Obviously, she had broken all previously
known land speed records to get there!
     "Where is he?" she exclaimed, just before spotting him. "DADDY!!!" Ruby
cried out. The others parted to make a clear path for her. They knew better
than to deny her this moment. She literally threw herself at his side.
     "OOF!!!" Denys laughed, as father and daughter hugged each other like
they'd been wanting to do it for years. "NOW you can call the ambulance, dear.
I think _all_ my bones are broken..."
     "Denny, I'm so sorry! Are you all right?"
     "I will be once the swelling goes down, dear," he muttered sardonically.
"Where did you learn the fine art of samurai skillet wielding?"
     "Oh, it's something I just picked up," Rhonda shrugged.
     "I don't think it was the 'picking up' part that bothered him, Mother,"
Ruby smirked. "Daddy, what happened to you, anyway?"
     "You mean just now, or before that?" he managed to smile, before regaling
his family with the condensed version of the last decade, in greater detail
this time. Something about a whomp on the noggin with a cast iron skillet
always had a way of refreshing one's memory, he would later note. "Funny I
didn't recognize Rocky and Muggsy right off..."
     "Well, that's not surprising, considering... So what happens now?"
     "Now? Let me see... We have to go about clearing my name, which shouldn't
be that difficult, considering I couldn't remember who I was in the first
place; then, of course, I need to see about that job at the Gazette..." Here
he couldn't help but laugh through his headache. "I'll lay you odds they're
gonna be surprised to find out who their new intern is; but before all that, I
have to find out if your mother will take me back..."
     "What for, so she can trade you in on a newer model?" Roberta asked.
     "Bobbie!" Ruby screeched.
     "Hey, they do it in used car lots all the time..."
     Denys cast a world weary glance at his youngest daughter, and then said,
"She tends to babble a lot, doesn't she?"
     "You should have heard her in her younger days," Rhubella grinned.
     "MOM!" Roberta whined. "Ruby's calling me OLD!"
     "Count yourself lucky," Denys advised her. "There's probably lots worse
things that she could call you than _that_."
     "Name _one_..."
     "Well, let's see..." Denys had to stop for a second. While it was true
he'd picked up some interesting new words in prison, they were not the kind he
would feel comfortable spouting around a ten-year-old kid. Come to think of
it, he wouldn't feel comfortable spouting them off around anybody. Finally, he
compromised. "On second thought, ask your mother..."

                                      -0-

     "Lovely house, dear," Denys noted, setting foot through the front door of
the Rats' suburban residence for the very first time. "Much nicer than that
old hole in the wall we used to live in. Is it paid for?"
     "Of course it's paid for, silly," Rhonda beamed. "I bought it with my
commission money from my first few real estate sales."
     "Hang about!" Denys laughed. "You became a real estate agent after I
disappeared? Ronnie, I'm impressed!"
     "Well, don't be," she informed him. "I got laid off a little over three
and a half years ago..."
     "Well, I'll bet you were a darn good one anyway," Denys reassured her, as
Ruby entered from the kitchen carrying a tea tray with all the trimmings. "Ah,
refreshments! I believe I'll have a spot of lemon tea, miss."
     "You got it," Ruby said, her eyes twinkling merrily. "Here you go,
Daddy."
     "Thank you, Ruby." He took a small sip. "Ah... just the way I like it.
Unpowdered. So, fill me in on the last ten years, then."
     "Okay," Ruby said. "When you disappeared, and we all thought you fell in
the dip, the paper set up a trust fund for us, which enabled me to go to
Perfecto Prep... that was also the year I got a small part in 'Tiny Toon
Adventures'... until I had to drop out..."
     Denys almost did a spit take. "Howzat? I hope you had a good reason,
young lady..."
     "They raised the tuition 175%, and we just couldn't afford it after
that..."
     "Hm... that's a good reason. Not a great one, just good. So what did you
do then?"
     "I stayed home for a year and helped raise Bobbie while Mom was off
becoming the dynamo of the real estate set, and then I enrolled in Acme Loo
after that."
     "Well, I hope you stuck around for graduation... you did graduate, didn't
you?"
     "Magna Cum Looney," Rhubella glowed proudly. "In fact, I'm still
there..."
     "Oh?"
     "She became an assistant Phys Ed teacher and substitute basketball coach
under Lola Bunny shortly after graduation," Rhonda informed Denys.
     "Lola Bunny? You mean from 'Space Jam'?"
     "You've heard of it, then..."
     "Yeah. It could have been better," he observed acerbically. "Is that all
she's done?"
     "Who, Lola?"
     "No, Rhubella!" Denys laughed.
     "Oh! Well, let's see... she's also the Lady Toonsters' Varsity Baseball
Coach and Swim Team Instructor, _and_ this year she's working towards her
degree in teaching Computer Animation."
     "Well, that's my girl!" Denys smiled, hugging Ruby tightly. "I'm proud of
you..."
     "That's me, a tea achiever," Ruby tittered.
     "Hey, what am I, chopped liver?" Rhonda inquired.
     "Oh, no, dear, of course not. So, after you got the sack, what did you do
next?"
     "She ran 80 yards for the touchdown and scored the extra field goal,"
Roberta quipped. "But she got penalized for excessive celebrating in the end
zone..."
     "Bobbie..." Ruby muttered.
     "Well, dear, you pretty much found out the hard way," Rhonda giggled.
"Lillian took me on as a chief cook and co-conspirator for her restaurant..."
     "From the way you wielded that skillet, I thought maybe you were a 'swing
chef'," Denys quipped, causing his family to groan loudly. "I only hope that
doesn't mean _I_ have to do the cooking around here!"

                                      -0-

     Needless to say, as soon as word of Denys's return got out, the Rats'
residence became a virtual parade ground for the rest of the afternoon, as
Denys reacquainted himself with both old friends (mostly staffers from the
Gazette, Bugs, Daffy, et al) and new ones (mostly the Carrottes and Rhubella's
old Acme schoolmates, in particular Adam Fox, who was curious to know about
the "old days" of photojournalism, much to Denys's bemusement, and Mary
Melody, who couldn't resist a 'toony interest story' for the ACME TV news). At
long last, the impromptu welcome home party died down, and Rhonda and Denys
were finally alone (Roberta next door at the Carrottes, and Ruby preparing for
a date with Roddy). "My, a *lot* can happen in ten years, can't it?" Ronnie
sighed, as she rested her head on Denys's shoulder.
     "Tell me all about it. That's certainly more attention than I'm used to,"
Denys admitted with a chuckle. "I guess I have a lot of catching up to do."
     "We _all_ do," she countered, as Ruby came down the stairs. "So, you're
off now, Rhubella?"
     "Almost, Mom," Ruby responded. "Has the media circus packed up its tent
and silently moved on?"
     "Oh ho, get her!" Denys laughed. "Yes, the spotlight's off of us now."
     "Just think, Daddy," Ruby noted. "Now you'll know how N'Sync are going
to feel in a year."
     "N'*WHO*?"
     "All right... _half_ a year... Daddy, there's something I need to tell
you about, and well, I don't know how you'll take it...."
     "All right, Ruby, what's wrong?" her dad asked. Ruby took a deep breath
and told him about her earlier visit to Shirley, and the video.
     "Our daughter, the party pooper," Rhonda smiled uneasily.
     "No, no, put it on. I'm kind of curious to see this for myself," Denys
encouraged her. Ruby put the video on, and then sat next to her father. She
couldn't keep herself from squeezing his hand as they watched the video.
Denys's jaw nearly dropped. "Great flying Vegamite, that's exactly how it
happened!" he gasped.
     Now it was Ruby and Ronnie's turns to be astonished. "It is?" they
blustered.
     "Down to the last 500," Denys remarked in amazement. "You say your friend
Shirley was able to do this with just my magnifying glass?"
     "Yeah..."
     "She gets good camera angles for a thought transference," Denys noted
admiringly as the video ended.
     "I'll tell her you said that," Ruby grinned. "Well, now that you've seen
it, is it safe to chuck it in the fireplace?"
     "Um, no, I don't think so," her father told her. "Keep it."
     "Denny?" Rhonda asked uncertainly.
     "You never know, dear. It might actually come in handy some day..."
     "I get it," Ruby replied. "You think it'll help if you ever need it as
evidence to clear yourself."
     "Um, no, actually I was thinking more along the lines of sending it to
'America's Crummiest Home Videos'," Denys smiled. "A fall like _that_ has
*got* to be worth $100,000, easily!"
     "Oh. Well, we'll see," Ruby said as the doorbell rang. "Oops! That'll be
Roddy. See you two later!" she called out as she rushed out of the front door.
     "'Bye," Denys called out as the door closed. There was a brief moment of
silence. Then, alone at last, the prodigal rat looked deep into his wife's
eyes, eyes he thought he'd never see again, and asked, "Dear, just so I won't
be this confused in the future... who's Roddy?"

                                      -0-
 
     The next morning, Denys awoke from a peaceful night's sleep on the sofa
to the scent of fresh coffee. "Huh... Wha... oh, g'day, Ruby," he yawned. "How
did your evening go?"
     "G'day to you to, Daddy" she smiled, pouring two cups of java, handing
her father one, and taking the other one for herself. "Same as usual. How was
your evening?"
     "Not bad," Denys replied in between sips. "Your mother and I dragged out
the old scrapbooks and videos, and we spent the whole night reminiscing and
catching up... actually, *she* did most of the reminiscing; *I* did most of
the catching up," he sighed. "I didn't know you had a twin in an alternate
tooniverse..."
     "Oh, you mean Rebecca? Yeah, she stayed with us for a while before
returning to her own planet," Ruby sighed wistfully. "I'd love to see those
guys again, just to see how they're doing over there..."
     "Yes, well, if wishes were horses, pigs would fly," Denys reminded his
daughter.
     "Daddy, what exactly does that mean?"
     "Mean? I was hoping you could tell me," he replied, holding her close.
"Ruby... I sure missed a lot of things..."
     "Well, speaking for Mom and Bobbie and myself, I'm glad that vat was one
of them," she replied softly.
     "I hear that, Rhubella... but enough of that moping about, eh? I... um,
*we've* got the rest of our lives to live, now. I've got things to do, people
to see, places to go, and all that twaddle."
     "Such as?"
     "Well, first things first, I have to renew my I.D., check to see if my
savings account still exists, marry your mother, look into that job at the
Gazette..."
     "HUH?!?" Rue asked, almost spilling her coffee. "How's that again?"
     "Look into that job at the Gazette..."
     "No, just before that. What do you mean, 'marry my mother'? You mean..."
     "No, of course not," Denys smiled. "Get your mind out of the tabloids. We
just thought it would be a good idea if we renewed our vows. Sort of make my
being back here *legal*, you know?"
     "Whew! For a second you really had me going there," Ruby exclaimed with
relief, as Rhonda emerged from her room and joined them. "It's over here,
Mom."
     "Oh, thanks, Ruby," Rhonda replied, planting a big smooch on Denys.
     "*AHEM!*" Ruby giggled. "I meant the coffee..."
     "Oh, did you make coffee? I hadn't noticed..."

                                      -0-

     "Ah, Denys," Sir Rupert Carrotte said as Denys uncertainly entered the
main office of the LonToon Bank. "What can we do for you?"
     "Well, I'm hoping you might have some knowledge of whether or not my
savings account from the old Acme National still exists," he said hopefully.
     "Oh, yes, Rhonda did mention something about that yesterday. Let me
see..." Rupert punched up a few keys on his computer. "She insisted on keeping
it open all these years, you know..."
     "Um, actually, no I didn't... When did the LonToon Bank take over,
anyway?"
     "Around late autumn '96, just before Lilly and I moved here... Oh, yes,
here we are..." Rupert emitted a long aristocratic whistle. "My goodness...
Mr. Rat, you'd better sit down."
     "But I *am* sitting down..."
     "Then may I propose you *stay* that way," Rupert suggested, swiveling his
computer monitor over in Denys's direction. "You're _never_ going to believe
this!"
     "Why? What..." Denys then saw the figure on the screen. "You... you're
kidding!!!"
     "We're a bank, Denys. We don't kid about large sums like that," Sir
Rupert reminded him with a smile.
     Denys continued to stare open mouthed at the sum on the screen. Finally,
all he could say was, "Thank heavens for compound interest!"
     "Yes..." Rupert noted wryly.
     After taking care of the finer details concerning his account, Denys was
surprised to learn his safety deposit box from the old Acme National was also
kept at the LonToon Bank as well, its contents still intact. (Of course, he'd
long since lost the key, so Sir Rupert accompanied him personally to the
vault.) "Good, they're still here," Denys breathed a sigh of relief, bringing
treasured documents to light again for the first time in over a decade,
including his birth certificate, duplicate I.D. and original marriage license.
"I'm _definitely_ going to need these!" he exclaimed, placing them in a
briefcase.
     "I must say, Denys, you seem to have planned for every contingency,"
Rupert observed ironically.
     "Planned? No, Rupert, more like serendipity," Denys replied with a
smile. "If I'd planned all this, I would have had an extra key in there."
     "Point taken," Rupert said. "We'll take care of that today."
     "Thanks," Denys exhaled.
     "I'm sure you have other things to take care of as well," Rupert added.
     "That's for sure," Denys admitted. "First I've got to get the rest of my
life back up to snuff," he noted, patting the briefcase, "and then I have to
get to the Gazette and tell them that there's been a slight change of
plans..."
     Rhonda and Ruby were waiting for Denys when he came out. "You're
KIDDING!" Ruby exclaimed when he told them that the accrued interest in his
savings account meant that they were now comfortably well off (not exactly in
Montana Max proportions, of course; and just a little less than what the trust
fund *and* insurance had totalled out to, but it would be enough for them).
     "And to think I griped all those years ago when you insisted on separate
savings accounts," Rhonda recounted, slightly embarrassed. "Who knew? So,
Denny, are you still going to go back to work for the Gazette?"
     "That depends," he mused. "Last day I showed up for work there, I nearly
got killed... No, I think I'm going to try something safer... after I find out
what we're going to do with that trust fund and insurance payment, since we
obviously won't need them anymore."
     "Well, obviously," Ruby noted with an ill-concealed sigh. She knew
exactly what he was going to do with them, of course. It went against Denys's
nature to keep something if it turned out that he didn't need it after all;
and although she'd gotten her share of the trust fund when she turned 21,
she'd never touched a penny of it. On the other hand, she really didn't mind
that now. She could be more than happy living on her paltry teacher's salary,
now that her father was back. All the trust funds in the world could never
take the place of _that_.
                         
                                      -0-

     Needless to say, the Acme Insurance Co. was _very_ surprised to see a
supposedly late policyholder return with a cashier's check for the payoff on
his policy, plus interest. To their knowledge, it had never happened before.
They were still talking about it when Denys visited the Gazette to return the
trust fund, plus interest.
     "So, Daddy, what'd they say?" Ruby asked anxiously.
     "Sorry, Ruby. They wanted the money back," Denys replied.
     "I kind of figured they would," she sighed. "Well, it was fun while it
lasted. What are they going to do with it?"
     "I sort of talked them into setting up a photojournalism scholarship at
the Looniversity."
     "But you're not going back to work for them?"
     "No, they've got enough people on their payroll as it is. Besides, if I
went back, that would mean one of the newer folks would have to go; by process
of elimination, that would be your friend Adam, and I couldn't see throwing
him out in the cold just because I happened to come back from the brink of
obscurity. I may do a little freelancing for them from time to time, but right
now, I just want to enjoy my time with my girls," he smiled. "The new job can
wait," he added enigmatically.
     "Hold it! You don't need the work now... so, what new job?" Rhonda asked.
     "All in due time, dear," Denys said. "Let's see about getting remarried,
what say?"
     "Yeah, what say?"
     "Great," Ruby smiled. "I know just the place..."

                                      -0-

     "Rhubella, you always _did_ have a sense of the absurd," her father
chided her an hour later, as she helped him straighten his tie in the back
office of Carrotte's. Admittedly, this _was_ booked on short notice, but
somehow, Ruby had managed to pull it off, even going so far as to get Judge
Whopper to officiate the ceremony on his day off.
     "Thank you, Daddy. I guess I inherited that from you as well as 'The
Leap'... stop fidgeting, will you?"
     "Okay, dear, if you insist, but why here?"
     "Why not?" she shrugged. "It _is_ where you and Mom were reunited. Makes
perfect sense to me."
     "Your pragmatism is definitely twisted, sweetheart," Denys smiled, "but
I can't fault you. Now, don't you think you'd better get dressed into
something more appropriate?"
     "No need, Daddy," Ruby smiled, executing a perfect spin-change into a
stunning taffeta off-the-shoulder dress. "How do I look?"
     "Dear, what can I say? You look... beautiful," Denys replied, and Ruby
thought she heard her father choke up.
     "Yeah, well, save that for the bride, okay?" She heard the strains of
Lizbeth's keyboards, which was their cue. "Ooops... showtime!" She kissed him
and dashed to the entrance, before turning around and adding, "Don't worry,
you'll do fine."
     Meanwhile, Rhonda, in a lovely matching taffeta off-the-shoulder wedding
gown, was as nervous as a... well, as a bride-to-be. "Hey, Ronnie, don't get
cold feet now," Lillian advised her.
     "Sorry. I guess Ruby caught you off guard, didn't she?"
     "Hey, don't worry about it. Reg and I used to handle spur of the moment
catering jobs in London all the time. This is practically old hat to me," Lilly
smiled. "Ooops... there's the music..."
     As Denys emerged from the kitchen, he was practically overwhelmed by the
fact that his daughter had been able to organize the entire ceremony in less
than an hour, even if it was being held in Carrotte's banquet room. It didn't
matter. It could have been held in the city dump, for all he cared. It would
have been just as romantic. (Just not as sanitary.) Nervously he took his place
and waited for Rhonda while Liz played the appropriate music. Rhonda entered,
with Roberta bringing up the rear, and took her place next to Denys.
     Judge Whopper intoned, "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to witness
the renewing of the wedding vows of a couple that, frankly, I never thought
would be together again." He paused, and added, "But I'm glad they are. Denys
Harold George Steven Richard Gordon Rat, do you take this woman to be your
lawfully wedded wife, etc. etc. etc., for as long as you both shall live?"
     "I do."
     "Rhonda Louise Rat, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded
husband, yadada yadada yadada, for as long as you both shall live?"
     "I do."
     "Is that your _final_ answer?"
     "What IS this, a wedding or a game show?" Rhonda inquired. "Yes!!"
     "If there is anyone here who knows any good reason why these two should
not be remarried, let them haul freight the heck out of here right now!" This
brought a thunderous ovation from all in the room. (Just as well. Nobody there
could think of one anyway.) "Do you have the ring?" Denys turned to Roddy,
whom Ruby had shanghaied into the best man position for this ceremony.
Fortunately, he didn't screw this up (not if he knew what was good for him)
and handed Denys the ring, which he placed on Rhonda's waiting finger. "By the
power vested in me by the state of Cartoon California, I now pronounce you rat
and rat... again. You may kiss the bride."
     As the two long seperated toon did just that, RuBarb quickly exited into
the kitchen and returned a few seconds later, wheeling in a large wedding
cake, which was set in the same skillet which Rhonda had nearly bashed Denys's
brains in with earlier. Ruby looked a little askance at this strange setting.
"RuBarb..."
     "Sorry, Ruby," the black cat grinned. "It was all I could find!"
     "Very fitting, too," Denys noted, when he and Rhonda had stopped laughing
long enough to collect their wits. "The doctor says I need more iron in my
diet..."
     "Daddy, *really*!" Ruby grimaced.
     "Just for that, I suggest we take back our wedding gift," Rupert muttered,
with a sly grin on his face.
     "Wait a minute... *what* wedding gift?" Rhonda asked, perplexed.
     "Well, we didn't actually have time to shop for anything, obviously,"
Lillian said, handing Ronnie an envelope. "So, Rupert and I decided to send you
on a second honeymoon. Any place you want to go for a week, all expenses paid."
     "Great," joked Denys. "No sooner do I come back, than they want to get
rid of me again!"
     Rhonda was, for one of the few times in her life, at a loss for words.
"But... but..."
     "No 'buts' about it, Ronnie," Lillian smiled. "You've been a fantastic
partner, and a terrific chef! Besides, you deserve it."
     "And the faster you get out of here, the sooner we won't have to endure
any more of your husband's awful puns," Rupert laughed.
     "Only for a _week_, mate!" Denys warned him. "So, where do you feel like
going?"
     "Um, I really have to go to the BAF-room..."
     "Not *you*, Bobbie!" Ruby growled slightly.
     Rhonda gave this only a moment's contemplation. "Remember when we were
first married, you said you wanted to take me to Australia to see the Southern
Cross?" she asked, referring to that famous constellation.
     "Ah, yes," Denys smiled.
     "Is that offer still good?"
     "Anytime, dear," Denys smiled. "But, let's have some cake first..."
     After the reception was over, and the couple raced out of Carrotte's to a
waiting limousine, Rhonda stopped quickly. "Oops! I almost forgot!" Turning
around quickly, she tossed her bridal bouquet towards the waiting crowd.
     Roderick, as it happened, was discussing this, that, and the other thing
with a few of the guys, and stretched his arms out to make a point. Next thing
he knew, to his surprise, he found himself holding the bouquet! "HUH?!? Wait a
minute!! I don't... But..."
     Ruby gave him one of _those_ looks. "Too late, Roddy! You're next!" she
said, as everybody around them exploded with laughter and cheers.
     Roddy looked from the bouquet, to Ruby, and back to the bouquet again. 
"Gad! What a revolting development *this* is!" he muttered under his breath.
         
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 (C)July 10, 2000 by Jerry D. Withers. All Tiny Toons characters (C)2000
 Warner Bros. Animation and Amblin Entertainment, Inc. All Looney Tunes
 characters (C)2000 Warner Bros. Animation. Used without permission. All
 original characters (C) their respective creators, as follows:
 Adam Fox (C) Eric Richardson (Eric 42).
 Lillian, Rupert and Lizbeth Carrotte (C) Jennifer Cleckley (Rottin Kid).
 Rhonda, Roberta & Denys Rat, RuBarb Purrenstein and Warden Washington
 (C) Jerry D. Withers (Furrball T. Cat).
 Special thanks to Kevin Mickel and Jennifer Cleckley for providing backup.
 Extra special thanks to Jennifer for helping me come up with the ending!
 This is a work of fanfiction, and is not meant to be taken for long walks on
 the beach without a chaperone. Thank you.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~