Dear Mr McConnell

We regret to inform you of an immediate need to repossess your immortal soul.

Due to an urgent shortage of Type A-positive souls, the Scottish Parliament's Spirit Bank is being forced to recycle souls not currently in use.

According to our records, your soul has been inactive since 1993. Therefore, by law, you are required to surrender your eternal essence when requested by an authorized agency.

In case you are unfamiliar with the repossession process, we assure you that it is painless. We use state-of-the-art suction technology for the extraction, which takes no more than 15 minutes and has few lasting side effects, the most common being a temporary numbness in the region of the conscience. Many soul donors have actually reported an unexpected sense of liberation in their daily lives as lawyers, telemarketers, Hyundai salesmen, and even members of the Scottish Executive.

Your appointment has been scheduled for 10 a.m. October 31 at the Psyche Health Clinic on the Royal Mile.

Please do not eat, drink or make difficult moral decisions for 12 hours before your appointment.

Thank you,

Spiritual Director