Xander Quotes

Buffy

"Willow!  You're so very much the person that I wanted to see!"
"Oh, really?"
"Yeah.  You know, I kinda had a problem with the math."
"Uh, which part?"
"The math.  Can you help me out tonight, pleeease, be my study buddy?"
"Well, what's in it for me?"
"A shiny nickel!"
"Okay.  Do you have Theories in Trig?  You should check it out."
"Check it out?"
"From the library?  Where the books live."
"Right, I'm there!  See, I wanna change..."
- "Welcome To The Hellmouth"

"Can I have you?  Duh...  Can I help you?"
"Thanks."
"I don't know you, do I?"
"I'm Buffy.  I'm new."
"Xander.  Is, is me.  Hi."
"Um, thanks."
"Well, uh, maybe I'll see you around...  Maybe at school... since we... both... go there."
"Great!  It was nice to meet you."
"'We both go to school.'  Very suave.  Very not pathetic."
- "Welcome To The Hellmouth"

"Buffy, this is Jesse and that's Xander."
"Oh, me and Buffy go waaay back, old friends, very close.  Then there's that period of estrangement where I think we were both growing as people, but now here we are, like old times, I'm quite moved."
"Is it me, or are you turning into a bibbling idiot?"
"No, it's, uh, it's not you."
- "Welcome To The Hellmouth"

"Well, you know, we wanted to welcome ya, make ya feel at home, unless you have a scary home..."
"And to return this.  The only thing I can think is that you're building a really little fence."
- "Welcome To The Hellmouth"

"Some guy was stuffed in Aura's locker!"
"Dead."
"Totally dead.  Way dead."
"So not just a little dead, then?"
"Don't you have an elsewhere to be?"
- "Welcome To The Hellmouth"

"You have no idea where they took Jesse?"
"I looked around, but soon's they got clear of the graveyard, they could have just, voom!"
"They can fly?"
"They can drive."
- "The Harvest"

"Murder, death, disaster.  What else?"
"Paranormal, unexplained, did you get natural disasters?"
"Earthquake, flood."
"Rain of Toads."
"Right."
"Rain of Toads!  Do you think they'd have anything like that in the paper?"
"I'll put it on the computer search.  If it's in there, it'll turn up.  Anything that'll lead us to vampires."
"And I, in the meantime, will help by standing around like an idiot."
"Not like an idiot, just... standing.  Buffy doesn't want you getting hurt.  I don't want you getting hurt."
"This is just too much.  I mean, yesterday my life's like, 'Uh-oh, pop quiz.' Today it's 'Rain of Toads'."
"I know.  And everyone else thinks it's just a normal day."
"Nobody knows.  It's like we've got this big secret."
"We do.  That's what a secret is, when you know something other guys don't."
- "The Harvest"

"Okay, so, crosses, garlic, stake through the heart."
"That'll get it done."
"Cool!  Of course, I don't actually have any of those things."
"Good thinking."
"Well, the part of my brain that would tell me to bring that stuff is still busy telling me not to come down here."
- "The Harvest"

"I don't like vampires.  I'm gonna take a stand and say they're not good."
- "The Harvest"

"Well, I gotta look on the bright side.  Maybe I can still get kicked out of school!"
"Oh, yeah, that's a plan.  'Cause lots of schools aren't on Hellmouths."
- "The Harvest"

"People scoff at things like school spirit, but look at these girls giving their all like this!  Ooo, stretchy!  Where was I?"
"You were pretending that seeing scantily clad girls in revealing postures was a spiritual experience."
"Who said I was pretending?  Oh, hey!  Here's a good luck thing for tryouts."
"What's this?"
"What's that?"
"Oh, how sweet!  'Yours Always'."
"I-i-it came that way, really, they all said that!"
- "The Witch"

"I just don't like putting you guys in danger."
"Oh, huh, I laugh in the face of danger.  Then I hide until it goes away."
- "The Witch"

"I told Buffy about Amber."
"Cool!  Was she wearin' it?  The bracelet, she was wearin' it, right?  Pretty much like we're goin' out."
"Except without the hugging or kissing or her knowing about it."
"So I'm just a figure of fun.  I should ask her out, right?"
"You won't know till you ask."
"That's why you're so cool!  You're like a guy!  You're my guy friend that knows about girl stuff!"
"Oh, great.  I'm a guy."
- "The Witch"

"For I am Xander, King of Cretins.  May all lesser Cretins bow before me."
- "The Witch"

"Cordelia, you haven't been mean to me all day.  Is it something I've done?  Okay, see how she has no clue that I'm even a mammal, much less a human being?"
"I see that."
"This is the invisible man syndrome.  A blessing in Cordelia's case.  A curse in Buffy's."
"You're not invisible to Buffy."
"It's worse!  I'm just like a part of the scenery, like an old shoe.  Or a rug that you walk on every day but don't even really see it."
"Like a pen that's all chewed up, and you know you should throw it away, but you don't, not 'cause you like it so much, more 'cause you're just used to..."
"Will, yeah, that is the point, you don't have to drive it through my head like a railroad spike.  I'm gonna take your advice and not beat around the bush."
"Or I could be wrong!  Maybe you should beat around the bush more."
"Nah, I gotta be a man and ask her out.  Y'know, I gotta stop giving her I.D. bracelets, uh, subtle innuendoes, taking Polaroids outside of her bedroom window late at night, that last part is a joke to relieve the tension because here she comes.  Okay, into battle I go.  Would you ask her out for me?"
- "The Witch"

"Witches: Historic Roots to Modern Practice.  Checked out by Alexander Harris."
"The Pagan Rites, checked out by Alexander..."
"Alright, alright, it's not what you think."
"You like to look at the semi-nude engravings?"
"Oh, well, uh, I-I guess it is what you think."
- "The Witch"

"I just got kicked off the team, didn't I?"
"I don't think it was your fault."
"Hmm, I know you don't, that's 'cause you're my friend.  You're my Xander-shaped friend!  Do you have any idea why I love you so, Xander?"
"We gotta to get her to a -"
"Let her speak!"
"I'll tell you!  You're not like other boys at all."
"Well..."
"You are totally, and completely one of the girls!  I'm that comfy with him."
- "The Witch"

"Who's that?"
"That must be Angel!  I think?"
"That weird guy that warned her about all the vampires?"
"That's him, I'll bet you."
"Well, he's buff!  She never said anything about him being buff!"
"You think he's buff?"
"He's a very attractive man!  How come that never came up?"
- "Teacher's Pet"

"It's funny how the earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to."
- "Teacher's Pet"

"You two're probably a little young to understand what an older woman would see in a younger man."
"Oh, I understand."
"Good!"
"The younger man is too dumb to wonder why an older woman can't find someone her own age, and too desperate to care about the surgical improvements!"
"What surgical improvements?!"
"Well, he is young."
"And so terribly innocent!"
"Hey, those that can, do.  Those that can't... laugh at those who... can do."
"Gotta carb up for my one-on-one with Miss French today.  When's yours?  Oh, right, tomorrow.  You came in second, I came in first.  Guess that's what they call natural selection."
"Guess it's what they call a rehearsal!  Rehearsal."
- "Teacher's Pet"

"Oh, Xander!  I've done something really stupid.  I hope you can forgive me."
"Oh, forgiveness is my middle name!  Well, actually it's LaVelle, and I'd appreciate it if you guard that secret with your life."
- "Teacher's Pet"

"Would you like to touch me with those hands?"
"Your hands are... really...  serrated!"
- "Teacher's Pet"

"What's she doing?"
"I think it's eeny, meeny, miney..."
"Moe?"
- "Teacher's Pet"

"Just for the record, you were right, I'm an idiot, and God bless you!  And thank you guys, too."
"Yeah, really!"
"Pleasure..."
"I'm really glad you're okay.  It's so unfair how she only went after virgins."
"What?"
"I mean, here you guys are, doing the right thing, the smart thing, when a lot of other boys your age..."
"Flag down on that play, babe.  I am not..."
"Well, you see, that's the She-Mantis' modus operandi.  Uh, she only preys on the pure."
"Well, isn't this a perfect ending to a wonderful day!"
"My dad's a lawyer.  Anyone repeats this to anybody, they're gonna find themselves facing a lawsuit."
"Blayne!  Shut up!"
- "Teacher's Pet"

"You're acting a little overly, aren't you?  I mean, you could have any guy in school."
"He's not any guy.  He's more... Oweny."
"Sure, he's got a certain Owenosity, but that's not hard to find.  I mean, a lotta guys read.  I can read."
- "Never Kill A Boy On The First Date"

"What, she doesn't like to dance?"
"Well, it's a little too late to do anything about that.  Uh, you should probably know that Buffy doesn't like to be kissed.  Actually she doesn't like to be touched."
"Xander!"
"As a matter of fact, don't even look at her."
- "Never Kill A Boy On The First Date"

"I'm feelin' that you're not in the field trip spirit here."
"Well, it would...  It's nothing, I...  We'd do the same zoo trip at my old school every year.  Same old, same old."
"Buffy, this isn't just about looking at a bunch of animals.  This is about not being in class!"
"You know, you're right!  Suddenly the animals look shiny and new."
"Gotta have perspective."
- "The Pack"

"What are Kyle and his buds doing with Lance?"
"Oh, playing with him as a cat plays with a mouse."
"What is it with those guys?"
"They're obnoxious.  Professionally."
"Well, every school has 'em. So, you start a new school, you get your desks, some blackboards and some mean kids."
- "The Pack"

"What is this crap?"
"Well, it was my buttery croissant."
"Man, I need some food!  Birds live on this!"
- "The Pack"

"What's up with you?"
"Is something wrong?  Did I do something?"
"What could you possibly do? That's crazy talk."

Xander sniffs Buffy's hair.
"Okay, now what?"
"You took a bath."
"Yeah, I-I often do.  I'm actually known for it."
"That's okay."
"And the weird behavior award goes to..."
- "The Pack"

"Why do I need to learn this?"
"'Cause otherwise you'll flunk math?"
"Explain the part where that's bad."
"You remember, you fail math, you flunk out of school, you end up being the guy at the pizza place that sweeps the floor and says, 'Hey, kids, where's the cool parties this weekend?'  We've been through this.  Do you have a headache?"
"Yeah, and I think I know what's causing it."
He throws the math book in the trash can.
"Ah!  That's better.  It goes right to the source of the pain."
- "The Pack"

"It shouldn't be too hard to find a new principal.  Unless they ask what happened to the last one."
"Okay, but I had nothing to do with that, right?"
"Oh, right."
"You only ate the pig."
"I ate a pig?  Was it cooked and called bacon or...  Oh, my God!  I ate a pig?  I mean, the whole trichinosis issue aside, yuck!"
"Well, it wasn't really you."
"Well, I remember I was goin' on the field trip, and then goin' down to the Hyena House, and next thing some guy's holding Willow and he's got a knife."
"You saved my life."
"Hey!  Nobody messes with my Willow."
- "The Pack"

"I've been reading up on my, uh, animal possession, and I cannot find anything anywhere about memory loss afterwards."
"Did you tell them that?"
"Your secret dies with me."
"Shoot me, stuff me, mount me."
- "The Pack"

"I-I know you have feelings for this guy, but it's not like you're in love with him, right?"
Buffy looks away.
"You're in love with a vampire?!  What, are you outta your mind?!"
"What?!"
"Not vampire...  How could you love an umpire?  Everyone hates 'em!"
- "Angel"

"Ah, the post-fumigation party."
"Okay, so what's the difference between this and the pre-fumigation party?"
"Much hardier cockroaches."
- "Angel"

"Xander, you wanna stay and help me?"
"Are you kidding?"
"Yes, it was a joke I made up."
"Willow, I love you, but bye!"
- "I, Robot - You, Jane"

"Hup, guess who?"
"Uh, Xander?"
"Yeah, but keep guessing anyway."
"Xander."
"Oh, I can't fool ya, you see right through my petty charade."
- "I, Robot - You, Jane"

"This Malcolm guy?  What's his deal?  I mean, tell me you're not slightly wigged."
"Okay, slightly.  I mean, just not knowing what he's really like."
"Or who he really is.  I mean, sure he says he's a high school student, but I can say I'm a high school student."
"You are."
"Okay, but I can also say that I'm an elderly Dutch woman.  Get me?  I mean, who's to say I'm not if I'm in the elderly Dutch chat room?"
"I get your point!"
She gets his point.
"I get your point.  Oh, this guy could be anybody.  He could be weird, or crazy, or old, or...  He could be a circus freak!  He's probably a circus freak!"
"Yeah.  I mean, we read about it all the time.  Y'know, people meet on the 'net, they talk, they get together, have dinner, a show, horrible axe murder."
"Willow, axe murdered by a circus freak.  Okay, okay, what do we do?  What are we doing?  Xander, you get me started!  We are totally overreacting!"
"But it's fun, isn't it?"
- "I, Robot - You, Jane"

"Dave.  He's dead."
"How?"
"Well, it looks like suicide."
"With a little help from my friends?"
- "I, Robot - You, Jane"

"We gonna go to the Bronze tonight?  We three?"
"It'll be fun!"
"Yeah, Willow, fun?  Remember fun?  That thing where you smile?"
"Oh, I'm sorry guys.  I'm just thinking about..."
"Malcolm?"
"Malcolm, Moloch... whatever he's called.  The one boy that's really liked me, and he's a demon robot.  What does that say about me?"
"It doesn't say anything about you."
"I mean, I thought I was really falling..."
"Hey, did you forget?  The one boy I've had the hots for since I've moved here turned out to be a vampire."
"Right, and the teacher I had a crush on? Giant praying mantis?"
"That's true."
"Yeah, that's life on the Hellmouth."
"Let's face it, none of us are ever gonna have a happy, normal relationship."
"We're doomed!"
"Yeah!"
- "I, Robot - You, Jane"

"If you had any shred of decency, you would have participated, or at least, um, helped."
"Nah!  I think I'll take on your traditional role, and watch!"
"And mock!"
"And laugh!"
"The Puppet Show"

"Can I just mention, that detention is a time-honored form of punishment?"
- "The Puppet Show"

"I can't do this!"
"Xander, come on."
"I, I can't!  I have my pride!  Okay, I don't have a lot of my pride, but I have enough so that I can't do this!"
- "The Puppet Show"

"Okay, next time we split up someone else is on Cordy detail.  Five more minutes with her and we woulda had another organ donor."
- "The Puppet Show"

"Uh, priority check, Giles?  Talent show, murder."
"Yeah, we can't do the talent show; it's unthinkable!  I'm not able to think it!"
- "The Puppet Show"

"So, the dummy tells us that he's a demon hunter.  And we're, like, fine, la la la la.  He takes off, and now there's a brain.  Does anybody else feel like they've been Keyser Sozé'd?"
- "The Puppet Show"

"This means that whatever's out there still needs a healthy, intelligent brain."
"In other words, I'm safe!"
- "The Puppet Show"

"Oh, ruler of my country, Oedipus, you see our company around the altar, and I, the priest of Zeus!"
"Ha, ha!  They prophesize that I should kill my father.  But he is dead.  And hidden deep in the soil.  But surely I must fear my mother's bed."
"Oh, Oedipus, Oedipus, unhappy Oedipus, that is all I can call you, and all that I ever shall call you."
"Darkness!  And horror of darkness.  Unfolding, restless, visitant, sped by an ill wind in haste.  Madness, and...  Madness a-and stabbing pain, and, a-and, uh... oh... oh...  Memory of, uh, i-ill deeds I have done."
Willow is too frightened to say her next line and runs off stage.
- "The Puppet Show"

"Hello? Doofus!  You're in my light."
"Wendell, what is wrong with you?  Don't you know that she is the center of the universe, and the rest of us merely revolve around her?"
"Why don't you revolve yourselves out of my light?"
- "Nightmares"

"Hey, guys, was there any homework?"
"We're doing active listening today."
"Cool!  What's active listening?"
"That would be the homework."
"Chapter five?  Active listening?  Where you put on your big ears and really focus on the other person?"
"Ms. Tishler demonstrated it yesterday."
"With you!"
"She was wearing that tight sweater?"
"Oh, the midnight blue angora!  See, I was listening."
- "Nightmares"

"I don't like spiders, okay?  Their furry bodies, and their sticky webs, and what do they need all those legs for anyway?  I'll tell you: for crawling across your face in the middle of the night.  Ewww!  How do they not ruffle you?"
"I'm sorry!  I'm unruffled by spiders.  Now, if a bunch of Nazis crawled all over my face..."
- "Nightmares"

"Did you find any theories on spiders coming out of books?  Big, hairy, crawly..."
Xander reaches around Willow with his hand, imitating a spider.  Willow is startled.  She twists around and hits Xander.
"It's funny if you're me."
- "Nightmares"

"There's nothing to say.  You saw two hundred insects; you Gonzoed.  Anybody would have."
"They're not insects.  They're arachnids."
"They're from the Middle East?"
- "Nightmares"

"So, why is this happening?"
"Billy."
"Well, that explanation was shorter than usual.  It's Billy!  Who's Billy?"
- "Nightmares"

"You were a lousy clown!  Your balloon animals were pathetic!  Everyone can make a giraffe!  I feel good! I feel liberated!"
- "Nightmares"

"Personal question?"
"Yeah, shoot!"
"When Buffy was a vampire, you weren't still, like, attracted to her, were you?"
"Willow, how can you... I mean, that's really bent!  She was... grotesque!"
"Still dug her, huh?"
"I'm sick, I need help."
"Don't I know it."
- "Nightmares"

"Cordelia, man, she does love titles!"
"Oh, God! Remember in sixth grade with the field trip?"
"Right!  Right!  The guy with the antlers on his belt!"
"'Be my Deputy!'"
"And remember the, the hat?"
"Oh God!  The hat!"
"Gee, it's fun that we're speaking in tongues."
"I'm sorry."
"It's just that we had this, uh...  You had to be there."
"It's not even funny."
"Really."
- "Out Of Mind, Out Of Sight"

"Uh, Cordelia just has a history of trying too hard."
"Yeah, what kind of moron would wanna be May Queen anyway?"
"I was."
"You what?"
"At my old school."
"Oh!  So the, uh, good kind of moron would do that.  The, uh, non-moron, I mean."
"Well, we didn't call it 'May Queen', but we had the coronation, and the dance, and all that stuff.  It was nice."
"Well, you know, you don't need that anymore.  You got us!"
- "Out Of Mind, Out Of Sight"

"Uh, I'm, uh, it's a bit of a puzzle, really.  Um, I've never actually heard of anyone attacked by a lone baseball bat before."
"Maybe it's a vampire bat.  I'm alone with that one, huh?"
- "Out Of Mind, Out Of Sight"

"What, so there's homework now?  When did that happen?"
"It's all part of the glamorous world of vampire slayage."
"Well, what part do you have?"
"Gonna find out what I can about Mitch.  This attack wasn't random."
"Well, I want that part."
"Fine.  You can do it.  Ask around, talk to his friends.  Talk to Cordelia!"
"Talk to Cordelia?"
Xander turns to Giles.
"So, research, huh?"
- "Out Of Mind, Out Of Sight"

"Oh, my God!  'Have a nice summer.  Have a nice summer.'  This girl had no friends at all."
"Uh, once again I teeter at the precipice of the generation gap."
"'Have a nice summer' is what you write when you have nothing to say."
"It's the kiss of death."
- "Out Of Mind, Out Of Sight"

"This is all about me!  Me, me, me!"
"Wow!  For once she's right!"
- "Out Of Mind, Out Of Sight"

"Look, um, I didn't get a chance to say anything yesterday with the coronation and everything, but, um, I guess I just wanted to say, thank you, all of you."
"That's funny, 'cause she looks like Cordelia."
- "Out Of Mind, Out Of Sight"

"You know how I feel about you.  It's, uh, pretty obvious, isn't it?  There's never been anyone else for me but you.  And we're good friends, and it's time to take the next step.  Would you, um... date me?  Oh that's good!  Date me!  It's terrible, right?"
"Huh?  Oh, no!  Oh, yes, 'date me' is silly..."
"See, what I should do is I should just start with talking about the dance.  Y'know, Buffy, Spring Fling just isn't any dance.  It's a time for students to choose, um... a mate and then we can observe their mating rituals and tag them before they migrate - just kill me!"
- "Prophecy Girl"

"Look, I'm sorry.  I don't handle rejection well.  Funny!  Considering all the practice I've had, huh?"
- "Prophecy Girl"

"How'd it go?"
"On a scale of one to ten?  It sucked."
"Oh."
"Well, I guess it could be worse.  I could have gangrene on my face."
"Well, what'd she say?"
"Apart from 'no', does it really matter?"
- "Prophecy Girl"

"That's okay.  I don't wanna go.  I'm just gonna go home, lie down, and listen to country music.  The music of pain."
- "Prophecy Girl"

"You were looking at my neck."
"What?"
"You were checking out my neck!  I saw that!"
"No, I wasn't!"
"Just keep your distance, pal."
"I wasn't looking at your neck!"
"I told you to eat before we left."
- "Prophecy Girl"

"Okay, um..."
"It's your turn."
"I, alright, okay, uh...  'In the few hours that we had together, we loved a lifetime's worth.'"
"Terminator."
"Good!  Great."
"Um, oh, okay, I got one.  'It's a madhouse!  A mad -'"
"Planet of the Apes."
"Can I finish, please?"
"Oh!  Sorry, go ahead."
"'...house!'"
"Planet of the Apes.  Okay, good.  Me.  Uh...
"Well?"
"I'm thinking.  'Use the Force, Luke.'"
"Do I even have to dignify that with a guess?"
"I couldn't think of anything.  It's a dumb game anyway."
"Well, what else do you wanna do?  We already played rock, paper, scissors.  My hands cramped up."
"Well, yes, if you're always scissors of course your tendons are gonna strain."
- "When She Was Bad"

"I got a movie for ya!"
Xander taps Willow's nose with his ice cream.
"Xander!"
"You're Amish!  You can't fight back, 'cause you're Amish!  I mock you with my ice cream cone, Amish guy!"
"Witness.  My nose is cold."
"Let me get that for ya."
Xander leans in to lick Willow's nose.
"Xander!"
"I'm sorry, I can't help myself.  Your nose looks so tasty."
- "When She Was Bad"

"Yo!  G-man!  What's up?"
"Nice to see you.  And don't ever call me that."
- "When She Was Bad"

"You're the Watcher.  I just work here."
"Yes, I-I must consult my books."
"Oh, eight minutes and thirty-three seconds, pay up.  I called ten minutes before you'd consult your books about something."
- "When She Was Bad"

"What were you thinking about?"
"Nothing."
"Oh, c'mon, you can tell us.  We're your bosom friends!  The friends of your bosom!"
- "When She Was Bad"

"Oh, look, it's the Three Musketeers."
"Was that an insult?"
"Kinda lacked punch."
"The Three Musketeers were cool."
"I see your point."
"I woulda gone with Stooges."
"Well, I just meant that you guys always hang out together.  So, did you guys fight any demons this summer?"
"Uh, yes!  Our own personal demons."
"Uh, such as, as, as lust and, uh, thrift!"
"I would have to go with Stooges also."
- "When She Was Bad"

"Xander, did I ever thank you for saving my life?"
"No."
"Don't you wish I would?"
- "When She Was Bad"

"She's possessed!"
"Possessed?"
"That's the only explanation that makes any sense.  I mean, you should've seen her last night.  That wasn't Buffy."
"Are we overlooking the idea that she may be very attracted to me?  She's possessed."
- "When She Was Bad"

"I mean, why else would she be acting like such a B-I-T-C-H?"
"Willow, I think we're all a little too old to be spelling things out."
"A bitca?"
- "When She Was Bad"

"This is Cordelia's.  'Come to the Bronze before it opens, or we make her a meal.'"
"They're gonna cook her dinner?  I'll pretend I didn't say that."
- "When She Was Bad"

"Xander!  What happened?"
"Vampires.  The ones you could handle yourself."
"Where are the others?"
"I don't know.  I don't know what your problem is, what your issues are.  But as of now, I officially don't care.  If you'd worked with us for five seconds, you coulda stopped this."
"We, we just have to think.  Where would they have taken them?"
"If they hurt Willow, I'll kill you."
- "When She Was Bad"

"So, we Bronzin' it tonight?"
"Wednesday, it's kinda beat."
"Well, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer, but, gosh, we did that last night."
- "When She Was Bad"

"So this chair-woman.  We are talking Ms. Calendar, right?"
"Wh-what makes you think that?"
"Simple deduction.  Ms. Calendar is reasonably dollsome, especially for someone in your age bracket.  She already knows that you're a school librarian, so you don't have to worry about how to break that embarrassing news to her."
"And she's the only woman we've actually ever seen speak to you.  Add it all up and it all spells 'duh'."
- "Some Assembly Required"

"And speaking of love..."
"We were talking about the re-animation of dead tissue."
"Do I deconstruct your segues?"
- "Some Assembly Required"

"Well, I guess that makes it official.  Everybody's paired off.  Vampires get dates.  Hell, even the school librarian sees more action than me.  You ever think that the world is a giant game of musical chairs, and the music's stopped and we're the only ones who don't have a chair?"
"All the time."
"Xander?  I just wanted to thank you for saving my life.  What you did in there was really brave and heroic, and I just wanted to tell you if there was anything that I could ever do to..."
"Do you mind?  We're talking here."
Cordelia rolls her eyes and leaves.
"So where were we?"
"Wondering why we never get dates."
"Yeah, so why do you think that is?"
- "Some Assembly Required"

"Well, Sheila's definitely intense.  That guy with her?  That's the guy she can bring home to mother."
- "School Hard"

"It's not fair.  I'm the Slayer.  That requires a certain amount of cutting and fighting.  What's Sheila's excuse?"
"Homework.  She won't do it.  And most teachers respect that now."
- "School Hard"

"It's no biggie.  You'll have a nice soire'e.  The parents will love it.  As long as nothing really bad happens between now and then, you'll be fine."
"Are you crazy?  What did you say that for?  Now something bad is gonna happen!"
"Whadaya mean?  Nothing's gonna happen."
"Not until some dummy says, 'As long as nothing bad happens.'"
"It's the ultimate jinx!"
"What were you thinking?  Or were you even thinking at all?"
"Well, you guys don't know.  Maybe this time it'll be different."
- "School Hard"

"This Saturday's going to need a great deal of preparation."
"Well, we'll help."
"Yeah, I'll whittle stakes."
"And I can research stuff."
"And while I'm whittling, I plan to whistle a jaunty tune."
- "School Hard"

"Okay, that's it!  I'm puttin' a collar with a little bell on that guy!"
- "School Hard"

"So, when you gave him my neck to chew on, why didn't you clock him before he had a chance to clock you?"
"I told you.  I couldn't make the first move.  I had to see if he was buying it or not."
"And if he bit me, what then?"
"We would've known he bought it."
- "School Hard"

"I think the exchange student program's cool.  I do!  It's a beautiful melding of two cultures."
"Have you ever done an exchange program?"
"My dad tried to send me to some Armenians once.  Does that count?"
- "Inca Mummy Girl"

"So, how's yours?  Visually, I mean."
"I don't know.  Guy like."
"By guy-like we are talking big, beefy, guy-like girl, right?"
"I was just told 'guy'."
"You didn't look at him first?  He could be dogly.  You live on the edge."
"Hold on a sec.  So, this person who's living with you for two weeks is a man.  With man parts.  This is a terrible idea."
"What about the 'beautiful melding of two cultures'?"
"There's no melding, okay?  He better keep his parts to himself."
- "Inca Mummy Girl"

"What's he doing?"
"Uh, that's Rodney Munson.  He's God's gift to the bell curve.  What he lacks in smarts he makes up in lack of smarts."
"You just don't like him 'cause of that time he beat you up every day for five years."
"Yeah.  I'm irrational that way."
- "Inca Mummy Girl"

"I better stop him before he gets in trouble."
"I got it.  The non-violent approach is probably better here."
"I wasn't gonna use violence.  I don't always use violence.  Do I?"
"The important thing is, you believe that."
- "Inca Mummy Girl"

"So, I guess we're dance-bound.  Cool.  I think I can get my mom's car, so I'm wheel man."
"I thought you were taking Willow."
"Well, yeah, I'm gonna take Willow, but I'm not gonna *take* Willow.  In the sense of 'take me'.  See, with you we're three and everybody's safe.  Without you, we're two."
"Ah, and we enter dateville.  Romance, flowers..."
"Lips..."
"Oh, come on. In all the years you've know Willow, you've never thought about her lips?"
"Buffy, I love Willow.  And she's my best friend.  Which makes her not the kind of girl who I think about her lips that much."
- "Inca Mummy Girl"

"So, do we have to speak Spanish when we see him?  'Cause I don't know anything much besides 'Doritos' and 'chihuahua'."
"Ampata?"
"Here!  Hello.  I am Ampata."
"¡Ay caramba!  I can also say that!"
- "Inca Mummy Girl"

"Your English is very 'bueno'."
"I listen much."
"Well, that works out well, because I talk much."
- "Inca Mummy Girl"

"There are lots of dress-up alternatives."
"And a corresponding equal number of mocking alternatives.  All aimed at me."
"Bavarians are cool."
"Okay, no shirts with ruffles, no hats with feathers and definitely no lederhosen.  They make my calves look fat."
- "Inca Mummy Girl"

"And this is called a 'snack food'."
"'Snack food'?"
"Yeah.  It's a delicious, spongy, golden cake stuffed with a delightful creamy, white substance of goodness.  And here's how you eat it."
Xander stuffs the entire Twinkie in his mouth.
"Mm-hm."
"Oh, but now I cannot try it."
"That's why you bring two."
"Oh!  Here goes!"
Ampata stuffs the Twinkie in her mouth.
"Good, huh?  And the exciting part is that they have no ingredients that a human can pronounce.  So it doesn't leave you with that heavy... 'food' feeling in your stomach."
"You are strange."
"Girls always tell me that.  Right before they run away."
"I like it."
"I like you like it!  Please, don't learn from my English."
- "Inca Mummy Girl"

"You are not telling me everything."
"You're right, Ampata.  And it's time we do.  We're not an archeology club.  We're in, uh..."
Giles clears his throat.
"We're in the crime club.  Which is kinda like the chess club, only with crime, and, uh... no chess."
- "Inca Mummy Girl"

"Okay, I have something to tell you.  And it's kind of a secret, and it's, um, a little bit scary.  I like you.  A lot.  And I want you to go to with me the dance."
"Why was that so scary?"
"Well, because you never know if a girl's gonna say 'yes', or if she's gonna laugh in your face and pull out your still beating heart and crush it into the ground with her heel."
"Hmm.  Then you are very courageous.  Can I tell you a secret?"
"Hmm."
"I like you, too."
"Really?"
"Really!"
"That's great!  Really?"
"Really!"
"That's great!  You're not a praying mantis, are you?  Sorry, someone else."
- "Inca Mummy Girl"

"I've come for the dance."
"And, uh, what culture are you?"
"I'm from the country of Leone.  It's in Italy pretending to be Montana."
- "Inca Mummy Girl"

"Have you seen Ampata?"
Willow tries to shrug.
"What was that?"
"I shrugged."
"Next time you should probably say 'shrug'."
- "Inca Mummy Girl"

"Let her go!  If you're gonna kiss anybody, it should be me."
"Xander, we can be together.  Just, just let me have this one."
"That's never gonna happen."
"I must do it.  I must do it now!  Or it is the end for me and for us!"
"No!  You want life?  You're gonna have to take mine.  Can you do that?"
"Yes!"
- "Inca Mummy Girl"

"I just - present company excluded - I have the worst taste in women of anyone in the world, ever."
"Ampata wasn't evil.  At least not to begin with, and I, I do think she cared about you."
"Yeah, but I think that whole sucking the life out of people thing would have been a strain on the relationship."
- "Inca Mummy Girl"

"Is she dying?"
"I think she's singing."
"To a telephone in Hindi.  Now that's entertainment!  Why is she singing?"
"She's sad because her lover gave her twelve gold coins, but then the wizard cut open the bag of salt, and now the dancing minions have nowhere to put their big maypole... fish thing."
"Uh-huh.  Why is she singing?"
"Her lover?  I thought that was her chiropractor."
"Because of that thing he did with her feet?  No, that was personal."
"Hmm.  And we thought just because we didn't have any money or anyplace to go this would be a lacklustre evening."
"I know!  We could go to the Bronze and sneak in our own tea bags and ask for hot water."
"Hop off the outlaw train, Will, before you land us all in jail."
"I, for one, am giddy and up.  There's a kinda hush all over Sunnydale.  No demons or vampires to slay, I'm here with my friends...  So, how does the water buffalo fit in again?"
- "Reptile Boy"

"I'm Tom Warner.  I'm a senior at Crestwood College, and I... and I just feel like a complete dolt meeting you this way, so... here I stand in all my doltishness."
"Huh-huh-huh, right.  Like she's gonna fall for that."
- "Reptile Boy"

"She's gonna walk away.  Now."
- "Reptile Boy"

"Okay, boots, start a-walking."
- "Reptile Boy"

"I hate these guys.  Whatever they want just falls into their laps.  Don't you hate these guys?"
"Yeah, with their charmed lives and their movie star good looks and more money than you can count...?  I'm hating."
- "Reptile Boy"

"And there's blood on it."
"Uh, I didn't see any."
"Angel showed up.  He could smell it."
"The blood?  There's a guy you wanna party with."
- "Reptile Boy"

"Well, say it."
"I'm not gonna say it."
"You lied to Giles."
"'Cause she will."
- "Reptile Boy"

"I can't believe she lied to Giles.  My world is all askew."
"Buffy's lying, Buffy's going to frat parties... that's not askew, that's cockeyed."
"Askew means cockeyed."
"Oh."
"Well, there's nothing we can do about it.  We'll help Giles."
"I'm goin' to the party."
"What?"
"I gotta keep an eye on Buffy.  Those frat guys creep me."
"You wanna protect her?"
"Mm-hmm."
"And prove that you're just as good as those rich, snotty guys?"
"Mm-hmm."
"Maybe catch an orgy?"
"If it's on early."
- "Reptile Boy"

"They may be involved in some kind of ritual."
"With the missing girls."
"With Buffy!"
"Okay, that is the guy you wanna party with."
- "Reptile Boy"

"Angel, Angel, Angel.  Does every conversation we have have to come around to that freak?  Hey, man, how you doin'?"
"Buffy."
"Angel."
"Xander!"
- "Reptile Boy"

"Harris!"
"Hey, Lar.  You're lookin' Cro-Mag as usual.  What can I do you for?"
"You and Buffy, you're just friends, right?"
"I like to think of it less as a friendship and more as a solid foundation for future bliss."
"So, she, she's not your girlfriend?"
"Alas, no."
"Do you think she'd go out with me?"
"Well, Lar, that's a tough question to... no, not a chance."
"Why not?  I heard some guys say she was fast."
"I hope you mean like the wind."
"Hey, you know what I mean."
"That's my friend that you're talkin' about!"
"Oh, yeah?  Well, what're you gonna do about it?"
"I'm gonna do what any man would do about it: somethin' damn manly."
- "Halloween"

"Private Harris reporting for... Buffy!  Lady of Buffdom, Duchess of Buffonia, I am in awe!  I completely renounce spandex!"
- "Halloween"

"Okay, on sleazing extra candy: tears are key.  Tears will normally get you the double-bagger.  You can also try the old 'you missed me' routine, but it's risky.  Only go there for chocolate.  Understood?  Okay, troops.  Let's move out."
- "Halloween"

"Is this woman insane?"
"She's never seen a car."
"She's never seen a car?"
"She's from the past."
"And you're a ghost."
"Yes!  Now let's get inside."
"I just want you to know that I'm taking a lot on faith here. "
- "Halloween"

"Ma'am, in the army we have a saying: sit down and shut the..."
- "Halloween"

"It's strange, but beating up that pirate gave me a weird sense of closure."
- "Halloween"

To be continued...

Colour Legend

Quotes

Xander