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Manoling Morato: Kung nakinig lang kayo sa akin noong election, di sana tayo ganito ngayon. Mas pinili pa ninyo kasi ang BOBO kesa sa BAKLA.
Pinoy Additions to the Dictionary:
Imeldific - 3,000 pairs of shoes
Erapic - pinoy mafia
Miriamic - La Vida Loca-loca
After witnessing Miriam go ballistic last Thursday, the nuns held an emergency meeting the following day and voted 22-0 to revert back the name of their school. Its back to MARYKNOLL!
Miriam Defensor Santiago in different languages:
Vietnamese: Pha Nget Shah
African: Gha Gha
Hindu: Bibi Lihin
Japanese: Poo Tah
Korean: Coo Rap
Erap: Aba, malaking bituin! Dito na yata ang lugar kung saan ipinanganak si Kristo.
Man: Nagkakamali po kayo.
Erap: Bakit mo naman nasabi iyan?
Man: Eh, kasi CALTEX ho ito!!!
Newsflash #26: Miriam has asked Davide to ban Richard Gomez from attending future impeachment trial sessions for refusing to look at her provocatively
Newsflash #27: Ayaw na daw ng mga babae na magwitness sa impeachment trial!
Kasi, ang tawag daw sa kanila ni Cong. Apostol ay "MADAM WETNESS"!!!
Newsflash #28: Maceda & Enrile are plotting a cou d'etat. Enrile wants to be president and Maceda First Lady. And John Osmena wants to be First Mistress.
Mga makabagong mura:
- Si Miriam ang ina mo!
- Anak ka ni Miriam!
- Mukhang Erap!
Si Delia Rajas, COOK. Si Atong Ang, CROOK. Si Miriam, COOCOOROOCOOCOOK!
Dito sa impeachment trial si Erap maaaring tama. Si Chavit maaaring tama. Si Ocampo maaaring tama. Si Dichavez maaring tama. Pero sigurado si Miriam, malaki ang tama!
Now showing: "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly"
Starring: Loren as the The Good, Nikki as The Bad, Miriam as The Ugly, with special participation of John Osmena as Pretty Woman.
Si Gloria kasalubong si Erap lasing. . .
Erap: Pangit 3X
Gloria: Lasing 3X
Erap: Di bale, bukas di na ako lasing, eh ikaw pag gising mo, pangit ka pa rin.
The prosecution is now after a joint account of FPJ and Erap, allegedly under the name FERNANDO JOSE.
Jinggoy: Mommy, tingnan mo si Chavit, ang bobo sa math. Paanong naging governor 'yan?
Loi: Psst! Huwag kang maingay. . . yung Daddy mo nga naging Presidente!
Chinese name equivalents:
Tessie A - Wan Mee Liun
John O - Ba Deeng Ba Lato
Enrile - Ma Go Lang
Maceda - Gus Tola Laque
Professional Fees:
Mendoza - USD50M
Daza - PHP100M
Narvasa - PHP150M
Flaminiano - PHP50 per objection, kaya panay ang object.
Modern dictionary:
a. colloquy (kol'ao-kwee) - a formal kahnverseyshen.
b. loquy loquy (lo'kwee lo'kwee) a med kahw dizeez aka miramisis topakesis
Defense Liars: Cronies:
Mendo SA Dante TAN
Narva SA Lucio TAN
Da SA Equals - SATAN
Sherap Files:
Q: Why did Erap and the LAMP Party choose orange as their uniform?
A: They don't have to buy a new set of uniform when they go to jail.
Prosecutor: Ms. Rajas, totoo bang sweldo mo bilang Cook kina Atong Ang ay P3,000 a month lang?
Rajas: P5,000 po... kaso iyong P3,000 napupunta po kay Erap.
Si Datu Puti, may suka. Si Rufina at Lorins may patis. Si Miriam may ..TOYO.
Legal terms:
Duces tecum - documentary evidence
Ad testificandum - witness is summoned
Factum probandum - proven fact
Imfacta Sanitarium - Miriam in court
Lucio Tan - 25% Filipino, 75% Chinese
Erap - 30% Filipinol 70% alcohol
Ernie Maceda & John Osmena - 50% Filipino, 50% Filipina
Miriam D. Santiago - FLIP na!
Si Ate Shawie . . . gatas niya ALASKA, softdrinks niya COCA-COLA, ice cream niya SELECTA, ulam niya CENTURY TUNA, merienda niya McDO . . . kaya katawan niya . . . SUPER FERRY, sakay na!
SINO ANG UNANG TAO SA MUNDO?
Sabi ng mga HUDYO, "kami".
Bakit? Dahil kami ang nagpako sa Diyos.
Sabi ng mga INTSIK, "kami".
Bakit? Kanino kayo bili pako?
ANAK: Mommy, bakit ka tumatalbog sa ibabaw ni Daddy?
MOM: Wala, anak, pinapaliit ko lang ang tiyan ng Daddy mo.
ANAK: Wa epek 'yan, kasi hinihipan ulit ni yaya.
3 TYPES OF GIRLS:
MAHIYAIN - Covering face with her skirt, exposing her "kuan".
MATULUNGIN - "Ako na lang ang maghuhubad, Sir."
PAKIPOT - "Ayoko sa harap, sa likod na lang."
Bakit ang pari kapag umihi, nakatingin sa langit?
SAGOT: Diyos ko, pang-ihi na lang ba ito?
MORATO & MACEDA drives a car in L.A. when an American cuts and swerves along the car path.
MORATO: Fuck you, asshole!
AMERICAN: Suck my dick!
MACEDA: Uy, pare, nakikipag-areglo!
BOY: Mommy, ano itim na damo sa iyo kapag hubad ka?
MOM: Ah wala, ESKOBA lang iyon!
BOY: Kaya pala kinis mukha tatay, kita ko kiskis niya sa mukha,ESKOBA ni Inday.
PATIENT: Dok, sabihin na ninyo ng deretso, seryoso ba ang sakit ko?
DOC: Nanonood ka ba ng Rosalinda?
PATIENT: Opo, pero anong kinalaman nun?
DOC: Hindi mo na matatapos.
ANAK: Inay, 'yung BF ko, hindi naniniwala sa LANGIT at IMPIYERNO. INA: Pakasal kayo, anak, at ipalasap mo sa kanya ang LANGIT at ako ang magpapakita sa kanya ng IMPIYERNO!
POKPOK # 1: Kuripot ang kostumer ko . . .
Php500 kapag pinasok,
Php400 ang bj,
Php300 ay bate . . .
eh Php200 lang ang pera niya.
POKPOK #2: Anong ginawa mo?
POKPOK #1: Aba, nakita ko'ng 12", pinahiram ko siya ng Php300.
GIRL 1: Gusto kong asawa ay ARCHITECT para ERECT na ERECT.
GIRL 2: Ako, PROGRAMMER, para ENTER ng ENTER.
GIRL 3: Ako, DOCTOR, para INJECT ng INJECT.
GIRL 4: Ako, BISAYA para MATIGAS ANG DILA!
ANAK: Ang sipag ng labandera natin, 'Nay.
NANAY: Bakit mo nasabi 'yun?
ANAK: Kasi nakita ko siya, tulog pa si Tatay, hinuhubaran na niya ng brief,eh!
MA'M: Inday, ihanda mo si Sir ng paborito niyang pagkain.
INDAY: Ma'm, naghugas na po ako.
I would like to invite you to the concert of Jaya, Kuh Ledesma, Lindsay Custodio, Monique Wilson and Sharon Cuneta at the Folk Arts Theatre tonight, entitled . . ."JaKuhLinMoSha"!
Blue collar workers go for basketball. Middle level execs are for tennis while CEOs and VPs prefer golf. Just to show that the higher the position, smaller their balls become.
Anong style kaya ang maganda? Patuwad? Patihaya? Patagilid? O Padapa kaya? Puwede rin kayang paupo? Hay! Tulungan mo nga ako, ang hirap magpatulog ng KUBA!(Hoy, utak mo . . . berde!)
LOLA: (Hinoldap.) Wala akong pera!
HOLDAPER: Alam ko kung nasaan ang pera mo (sabay pasok ang kamay sa bra ni lola)!
LOLA: Tuloy mo pa, may tseke sa ibaba!
HAPPINESS is not found at the end of the road . . . it is experienced everytime you make a sudden turn! WELCOME, ANITO LODGE!
Ano sa English ang NOLI ME TANGERE? TOUCH ME NOT! Sa Chinese? NO CHAN CHING!
JAI-ALAI RESULT:
MARE: Sus, pare, kalahati lang ang lumabas sa akin.
PARE: Ako, mare, dulo lang.
MARE: Pare, kung ang dulo mo, tumama sa hati ko, panalo tayong dalawa!
ERAP: Akyat kang puno, pisilin mo ang bunga kung hinog na.
FPJ: (Umakyat at pinisil ang bunga.) Oo, pare, hinog na!
ERAP: Sige, baba ka na, sungkitin natin!
TARZAN: Me go to city to buy underwear so birdy safe.
JANE: Ok. You not buy panty for me so pussy also safe?
CHEETAH: And can you buy condom for me so Jane safe?
Ano raw ang pagkakaiba ng CANNIBAL at ng BADING?
SAGOT: Ang CANNIBAL, kumakain ng kauri;
ang BADING, kumakain ng kaari.
WHY ARE TYPHONS NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
ANSWER: 'Coz when they COME, they're WET and WILD and when they GO, they take your HOUSE and CAR with them!
Paano hahatiin ang Php60 sa tatlong babae at tatlong lalake?
SAGOT: Sampuke Ana, sampuke Maria, sampuke Rea . . .
Sa lalake . . . ? O-ten mo, o-ten niya, o-ten ko.
Halika't tikman mo ang naiiba kong sarap, higupin mo'ng malinamnam kong katas, aaah! Sige, sundutin mo ng daliri ang aking kaloob-looban,mmmm aaah, sarap talaga ng BULALO! (You dirty mind!)
ERAP: (Caught two employees naked and doing their thing in the office.) Aha, violating office regulations!
MALE: Which regulation?
ERAP: (Thinks.) NOT WEARING UNIFORM!
MARE 1: Naku, mare, ang gaganda ng mga anak mo!
MARE 2: Talaga, mare? Hay naku, kung asawa ko lang ang aasahan, hindi sana nangyari 'yan!
GIFTED CHILD:
1st MONTH: He said, "MAMA".
2nd MONTH: He said, "PAPA".
3rd MONTH: He said, "DEDE, YAYA".
4th MONTH: He said, "MAMA, PAPA DEDE YAYA!"
SCIENTIFIC NAMES:
CUTE - ahkoyan.
TALENTED - ahkophayan.
ROMANTIC - akhopharyn-yan.
LOVABLE - akhoulityan.
ABNORMAL - ahikawnahyahn!
LEARN MORE JAPANESE:
You haven't washed your face - MIMUTAMATAMO.
You've grown so thin - KITANABUTOMO.
Ouch! - HARAIKU!
What a sad life! - HAINAKU!
Ano ang dapat gawin kung tinatamad kang magtrabaho?
Huwag aabsent.
Huwag male-late.
Pagkaupo sa iyong lamesa, buksan isa-isa ang drawer at magkalkal. Kunwari ay may hinahanap.
Pagkatapos mong magkalkal, tumayo ka at tunguhin ang mga filing cabinet. Maghanap ka ng ipis. Kung wala kang mahanap, tingnan mo ang iyong incoming and outgoing tray. Kalkalin at maghanap ng mga natira sa iyong kinutkot kahapon. Huwag kakainin muli. Labag sa kagandahang asal. Kung naglalaway ka sa mga iyon ay kunin mo ang nagamit mong tissue paper na nailagay mo sa iyong front drawer at ipunas sa laway mo. Pagkataos ay ialgay muli sa drawer. Maaari mo pang magamit iyon bukas. Malaking katipiran sa iyo.
Kung biglang dumating ang iyong boss, hawakan kaagad ang teleponoat magsalita. Kunwari ay tinatanong ka ng iyong kausap tungkol sa mga dokumento. Sumagot ka ng "oh! I am sorry but I will bring that to your office immediately". Kumuha kaagad ng kahit anong folder at magpaalam ng maayos at buong giliw sa iyong boss. Lumabas ng nagmamadali.
Pumunta ka sa CR. Magsuklay. Tingnan mabuti ang sarili. Mag-retouch kung babae. Tingnan kung baligtad ang underwear na naisuot at kung lalaki, maghilamos at basain ng konti ang buhok. Magtiris ng tighiyawat. Magtagal ng mga limang minuto.
Pagbalik mo sa iyong opisina, buksan ang computer. Hintaying matapos ang Auto Scan. Marami ring minuto ang magugugol dito. Magbukas ng isang file isa pa at isa pa uli!!! Pumunta sa ccmail, tingnan kung may hindi pa nababasa. Magbasa. Kunwari ay bagong pasok ka lamang sa Grade One. Pagkatapos kunin ang mga dapat gawing report. Titigang mabuti. Pag-aralan ang klase ng papel na ginamit. Bilangin kung ilang words ang nagamit.
Kung mat tumatawag sa telepono, kaagad sagutin. Huwag mong hayaang ibaba kaagad ng kausap. Tanungin tungkol sa mga National Issues katulad sa mga jokes kay Erap o ng pagtaas ng langis. Kumustahin ang latest sytle ng kanyang damit pati na kung saan nag-papa-manicure at pedicure. Huwag lalagpas ng isang oras ang pakikipag-usap. Magagalit ang iyong boss.
Kung may report na tatapusin, tapusin ng eksakto sa deadline hour. Kung may ita-type, magtype ng 10wpm.
Tunguhin ang nga file na inipon sa loob ng ilang araw. Ayusin isa-isa habang ini-imagine ang sarili na sumasahod ng 15,000 pesos isang buwan. Huwag tatapusin. Magtira ng para sa ilang araw na gawain.
Palaging magtungo sa CR. Kunwari ay may LBM. Palagi ring bumisita sa ibang department, makipagchikahan.
Huwag mong titingnan ang iyong relo habang ginagawa mo ang lahat ng nasa itaas. Kapag ginawa mo iyon ay lalo kang maiinip. Hayaang mag-enjoy ang sarili sa iyong katamaran. Magugulat ka na lamang na "time" na pala para umuwi.
Ayusin ang lamesa na para bang napakarami ng iyong trinabaho. At bago umuwi, dumaan ng CR. Tingnan at hipuin ang mukha kung gaano kakapal. Huwag pansinin ang mga kasamahan na mula umaga ay tingin ng tingin sa iyo. Hindi naman sila ang nagpapasuweldo.
Ano ang mabilis pumuti
Ano ang mabilis pumuti , buhok sa itaas o buhok sa ibaba?
Sagot: Buhok sa itaas - kase ang buhok sa itaas puro problema, ang buhok sa ibaba puro ligaya.
Patatas
Two wives are buying gulay in urdaneta public market.
angee: Mare, whenever I see a potato, naaalala ko ang itlog ng Mr. ko.
sassa: Bakit? Ganyan Kalaki?
angee: Hindi!, Ganyan KADUMI !
Maria Clara & Rizal.
rizal:: Ma. Clara, ikaw ang pinakamaganda at pinakamahinhing babaeng nakilala ko.
ma. clara: Huhh!!! Bolero...Titi mo!
Ang pag ihi
Ano ang tunog ng ihi ng dalaga?
sagot: I wish,I wish,I wish
Ano ang tunog ng ihi ng misis?
sagot: always, always, always
Ano ang tunog ng ihi ng biyuda?
sagot: I miss, I miss, I miss
Ano ang tunog ng ihi ng matandang dalaga?
sagot: bwisit, bwisit, bwisit,
Ang genie
genie: I will grant you one wish, what will it be?
man: I want to be in between Kate Winslet's legs.
genie: That's easy. Are you sure?
man: Yes!, yes!, yes!!!
genie: By my power, you are now a NAPKIN
Sino tatay ko
anak: Nay sino ba talaga ang tatay ko?
nanay: Ewan ko anak, pasensiya ka na, nung ginawa kita eh nakatalikod ako eh.
Galing sa email na ipinadala ni: Ariel Morales
Si manoling sa ROTC
Manoling's ROTC Training.
officer: Sigaw mo Baril!
manoling: Baril!
officer: Sigaw mo Bato!
manoling: Bato!
officer: Bala!
manoling: Bala!
officer: Galing! Sigaw mo Lalake!
manoling: Saaannn!!!?!!??
Biology and Sociology
Q: What's the difference between Biology and Sociology?
A: When the baby look like the father, its Biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, its Sociology!
Pink
teacher sassa: What's the color of my teeth? (Sabay smile)
pupil jasmin: Pink!
teacher sassa: (Nagtataka) Again, what's the color of my teeth? (smile)
pupil jasmin: Pink!
teacher sassa: Shit di ko pala suot ang pustiso ko!
ERAPTION
waiter: what kind of rice would you like sir?
erap: pinoy tayo eh ! plain rice
waiter: what about your viand sir?
erap: (mad) alam mo nang pinoy tayo. siempre "viand"" ko pilipinas.
flash report: erap shot and killed loi after buying a house.
reason stated in the contract - execute all three copies with your wife.
do you know that erap postal stamps were circulated, but were secretly recalled by erap himself.
reason- the citizens are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.
an accountant asked erap what a balance sheet is.
erap answered - it comes out after a balance diet.
jackie (in labor): dad manganganak na yata ako.
erap: driver, itigil mo sa jollibee.
loi: manganganak na nga, jollibee ka pa.
erap: di ba 'free delivery sa jollibee'?
cabinet member: mr. pres. our population growth rate is alarming. there is one woman giving birth every minute.
erap: we have to stop this immediately. look for that woman
erap handed a check to sec. zamora as donation to a charitable institution.
sec. zamora: mr. president bakit walang pirma ito?
erap: ok lang kasi gusto ko maging "anonymous donor"
first couple watching a play at cultural center.
erap: tara na!
loi: teka , intermission pa lang
erap: di mo ba nabasa sa program , nakasulat - act ii (3 weeks later). o, maghihintay ka pa!
reporter: mr. president do you have plans for the homeless?
erap: of course, but its very hard to find them. they have no address.
first couple walking in new york.
prostitute1: you like a hand job?
erap: no thanks
prostitute2: you want a blow job?
erap: no thanks (turns to loi) Dapat dito pala pumunta ang mga ocw natin. maraming job openings.
boy saved erap from drowning.
erap: salamat. ngayon humiling ka ng kahit na ano.
boy: gusto ko wheelchair
erap: bakit, di ka naman lumpo at ang lakas lakas mo
boy: kasi, pag nalaman ng tatay ko na sinagip kita, tiyak lulumpuhin niya ako.
fvr: spell ambulance
erap: a......m.....b......u.......
fvr: faster
erap: wang, wang , wang
fvr: "Sorry I'm late! brownout! na-stuck ako sa elevator for one hour!
erap: "Wala yan! ako nga three hours sa escalator!
flash report; plot to assassinate erap was uncovered. nbi arrest suspects
60 million filipinos
erap: (singing) "Mile away . . . . you're so many mile away from me.
loi: Hon, lagyan mo ng letter "s"!
erap: Smile away, you're so many smile away from me .
Sabi ng sambayanang Pilipino:
Hindi na problema ang komunismo
Di na rin problema ang imperyalismo
ang problema ay si ERAP MISMO!
ERAP's Wisdom:
1) if the cat is away the mouse is alone
2) if others can don't help
3) don't talk to strangers if your mouth is full
4) don't count the eggs if they are not yours
Bakit ERAP ang nickname in ERAP? Kasi, ERAPturuan
ERAP mag-english
ERAP maglakad
ERAP magsalita
ERAP makaintindi
ERAP paniwalaan
at ang tao, ERAP na ERAP na!
stanley ho: Mr. President, please accept this Mercedes Benz as sign of my appreciation to you.
erap:: Sorry, I don't accept bribes.
stanley ho:: I'll just sell it to you for P100.
erap: Okay, I'll get two!
erap: Nakakahiya!
jinggoy: Bakit Dad?
erap: Sabi sa invitation black tie only, pagdating ko dun, may suot din pala silang polo at pantalon!
jude: Dad, nagpa-tattoo ako
erap: Aba, tama 'yan! Labanan natin ang tsismis na bading ka anak! Patingin nga ng tattoo mo?
jude: O, di ba Dad, maganda na ang kilay ko?
Scene: Ping and Erap Raid and rescue
Ping and Erap shout - This is the police "FREEZE!!!", then erap poked his gun at the man
pring: Sir don't shoot he is our man!!!
erap: shouted - okay defrost!!!!!
doctor: What happened to your 2 red ears?
erap: I was ironing and the phone rang, I picked up the iron instead.
doctor: Oh dear! What happened to your other ear?
erap: That sonuvab*tch called back!
erap: Isasauli ko tong nabili kong VHS tape.
clerk: Anong problema?
erap: Walang picture tsaka sound. Sayang, suspense thriller pa yata.
clerk:Anong title?
erap: Head Cleaner.
erap: taking a bath nang biglang lumindol. He ran outside the Malacaņang palace without his clothes on.
guard: Mr. President! I think you forgot something...
erap: Ay sh*t! Yung wristband ko!
While watching a ballerina tip toeing on stage, Erap commented- "Ang tanga naman ng direktor! Bakit hindi na lang sya kumuha ng matangkad?!"
Nakita ni FVR si Erap sa harapan ng mailbox. Biglang binalibag ni Erap ng malakas ang pinto ng mailbox at bumalik sa bahay. Maya-maya, eto na naman si Erap. Pumunta sa mailbox at muling binalibag ang pinto nito.
Tinanong niya si Erap:
fvr: Bakit mo binabalibag ang pinto ng mailbox? May problema ba?
erap: Eh kasi sabi ng computer ko "You've Got Mail"! Wala naman pala!
erap: pare, pera, rape, ape....(Herap - lasing na Erap)
ni:KapitanKidlat
ERAP
Sabi ng iba Erap is the guy.
Pero dito sa amin , hindi yata bagay.
Dapat sa presidente, medyo intelihente.
Para hindi sunud-sunuran sa mga tutang katabi.
Itong si Erap, hindi na natuto.
Kaliwa't kanan puro panluloko.
Ibinalik si Imelda at nilakad na walang kaso.
Para nga naman makuha ang kanyang sosyo.
Ang kanyang mga barkada, sina Mario at Lucio,
Mga angkan ni Imelda, pati na si Eduardo.
Ang kanang kamay na si dambuhalang Ronaldo..
Si Lucio Tan, Dante Tan , pati si Manero.
Wala pang dalawang taon ay heto na sila.
Mga diyaryong kritiko pilit pinasasara.
Manila Times, Inquirer at sinong susunod pa,
Para bukas makalawa ay wala ng kokontra.
Sabi ni Erap , walang kamag-anak, walang kaibigan..
Kayong mga loko hwag akong subukan,
Ako ang presidente na di nagkakamali
Lahat ng gusto ko, sinusunod parang hari.
Unang order nya, ilibing si Makoy..
Katabi ng mga bayaning gustong tumaghoy.
Nag-alsa ang mga barokan at tribung pinoy...
Umatras ang hari at mga alaga nyang baboy.
Si Erap namigay ng mga mamahaling sasakyan..
Sa mga kamag-anak, kabinete at kaibigan.
Sa halip na gumawa ng mas mabuting paraan,
Upang ang makinabang , ang mga mamayan.
Pangalawang order nya, baguhin daw ang konstitusyon..
At ang dagdag pa nya laos na raw yon.
Dapat daw ay gawing pang-globalisasyon..
Nang ang mga dummy ni Imelda ariin ang buong nasyon.
Habang ang tribung pinoy ay nag-kakagulo
Mga tuta ni Erap ay wiling- wili dito.
Saan ka nga naman nakakita ng ganito,
Presidenteng lasingero, babaero at uto-uto.
Habang si Erap ay kanilang binobosyo,
Kabi-kabilang raket ang mga tarantado!
Ni-rig ang kontrata ng fire trucks, posas at libro,
Pati ang stock market muntik ng mag-sarado.
Erap hindi lahat ng Pilipino ay hangal at gago.
Kami sumusubaybay at naghihintay sa 'yo.
Ngayon kung ang iyong direksyon ang hindi mo mabago,
Kami ay uling lalabas upang ipa-alala sa iyo.
Erap sa pagsisinungaling walang tatalo sa yo.
Pati si Kapitan Kidlat binabanggit mo,
Sa uulitin pag ngalan ko'y binanggit mo
Sa pagitan ng yong dalawang hita ako'y tatama sa yo!
Yan ang Pinoy!!!
Guys, have you heard the story of the mag-ina here in the U.S.?
Anyway let me tell you the story of their life here in Los Angeles. Dalawa lang silang mag-ina dito sa Amerika at hinihintay nila ang pag dating ng pamilya nila. Pero unfortunately while they were waiting, the mother died.
The family in the Philippines wants their mom to be buried back home pero it was so expensive. Pero dahil majority of the family wants it that way, walang choice ang anak dito sa States kung hindi sundin ang mga nakakatanda sa kanya. Dahil nga very expensive, she decided to just remain in the States and ship the coffin unaccompanied.
Ng dumating na sa Pilipinas ang kanilang ina, may napansin ang pamilya na hindi maganda. Ang mukha ng mother nila ay dikit na sa salamin ng coffin.
Sabi tuloy ng isa, "ay tignan mo yan, hindi sila marunong mag asikaso ng patay sa Amerika". To cut the story short, they prepared the coffin for viewing. Pag bukas ng ibabaw ng coffin,may napansin silang sulat sa baba ng dibdib ng kanilang mother.
Nangi-nginig na binukasan ng kanilang ama ang sulat at binasa sa lahat ng taong naka-paligid. Ang nilalaman ng sulat ay ito:
Mahal Kong Itay At Mga Kapatid,
Pasyencia na kayo at hindi ko nasamahan ang ina sa pag-uwi diyan sa Pilipinas sa dahilan na napaka-mahal ng pamasahe. Ang gastos ko ngalang sa kanya ay mahigit sa libo. Ayoko ng isipin pa ang eksaktong halaga.
Anyway, Sa likod ni nanay ay mayroon dalawangput apat na karnenorte, ang bag ay para kay Ate, at ang sapatos ay para kay Kuya, ang mga chokolate naman ay para sa mga bata. Bahala na kayo sa distribution.
Nagmamahal na anak,
Cynthia
Lumulubog ang barko.... ala Titanic ba...
pari: San Pedro! San Jose! San Juan!....
madre: Sta. Maria! Sta. Clara! Sta.Lucia!...
intsik: Ano beyan! lubok na bahko tawak tawak pa kayo pasahero!!!
Tamad
wife: wala kang kwenta! TAMAD. iiwanan na kita!
husband: sige, subukan mo! pag ginawa mo yan maglalaslas ako!
wife: ULOL! magpatuli nga takot ka, maglaslas pa kaya! SUPOT!!! =)
Away mag-asawa
babae: dahil sa laki ng kasalanan mo sa akin, wag kang tatabi!
lalake: Sori na love.
babae: sori mo mukha mo. Basta outside d kulambo ka!!!
lalake: Payag ako pero labas mo pwet mo.
LOLO bili ng viagra sa botika:
clerk: ubos na lolo
lolo: IMODIUM na lang po
clerk: d pwede yan lo!
lolo: putangna! tae nga napapatigas, ARI ko pa kaya!
Iisang ngipin na lang
"Mabuti pang maghiwalay na tayo, nagdududa na ang mister mo," umpisa ng dentista sa kabit niyang pasyenteng babae.
"Bakit? Nagmamahalan naman tayo, di ba?"
"Oo nga, kaso ubos na tayo ng alibi. Iisang ngipin na lang ang natitira sa bibig mo," paliwanag ng dentista.
Winawalis ang mukha
Boy saw his mom's pubic hair: Ma! ano ang tawag diyan?
mom: ah, anak, ang tawag dito ay walis!
boy: nakita ko si yaya winawalis ang mukha ni papa!!!
Leron leron sinta new version:
Meron akong sinta, suso ay papaya, utong ay mapula, puno ng gatas pa, pagdating sa kama, hubo't hubad na sya, kumapit ka neneng, papasok ang sanga.
Almoranas
ina: anak, 18 ka palang bakit grabe na ang almuranas mo?
anak: kasi po inay, gusto ng boyfriend ko na virgin pa ako kapag ikinasal kami!
Pickup girl
misis: Lolokohin ko mister ko. Magpapanggap akong "pick-up girl".
(pagkakita kay mr.)
Hi, pogi! available ako ngayon.
mister: Ayoko sa iyo. Kamukha mo misis ko!
Lady on her first medical exam w/ a male doctor:
doctor: hubad na, wag matakot di ko magsasamantala.
lady: san ko lalagay panty ko?
doctor: dyan sa tabi ng brief ko!
boy: yaya! ano gawa mo kay daddy?
(nakita habang nakasubo ang ari ng daddy sa bibig ng yaya)
yaya: nililinis ko lang. gagamitin kasi ng mommy mo mamaya.
2 dormates nag-uusap
boy1: "Pre kagabi nanaginip ako, pinipindot ko daw ang BOOBS ni Joyce Jimenez, ang lambot!"
boy2: "tangna mo! kaya pla ang sakit ng etlog ko!"
Bungguan Sa lobby ng isang Hotel di sinasadya nabunggo ng lalake si babae at tumama ang siko nito sa dede ng babae.
Bugoy: Eh miss sorry sorry po, di sinasadya, kung ang Puso ninyo ay sing lambot ng Suso ninyo patatawarin na ninyo ako.
Inday: Kung ang TITI mo ay sing tigas ng SIKO mo, nasa room 231 ako.
First upakan sana date:
Girl: O sige payag na akong lumabas tayo at mag sex, puntahan mo ako sa bahay at magpaalam tayo sa tatay ko na manonood lang ng sine tapos ay bahala ka na kung saan tayo pupunta pero tatlong oras lang ha?
Guy: O sige mga 7:00 p.m. ang dating ko. ( punta sa botika at bibiili ng CONDOM )
Pharmacist: Ilang Condom?
Guy: Isa, dalawa na. eh tatlo..isang kahon na tatlong oras na upakan ito Pare
Girl: Tuloy ka, upo ka muna at ipakikilala kita sa Daddy ko....Dad boy friend ko po manonood po kami ng sine ngayon.
Guy: Tahimik, nakayuko, walang imik, pinapawisan ng malapot, nakapikit ang mga mata habang nakaupo.
Girl: Hindi ko alam na Relegioso ka pala..
Guy: Hindi naman ganoon, di ko lang alam na Pharmacist pala ang Daddy mo.
Donors
Babae: Ano po ang i dodonate ninyo?
Lalake: Sperm
Babae: may bayad din po ba yan tulad ng dugo?
Lalake: Aba opo. Php 300.00 bawat donation ng Sperm.
Babae: Mataas pala, ako dugo ang didonate ko pero Php 100 lang ang bayad...
kinabukasan:
Medtech: A Miss kayo na naman po pala mag dodonate po ba kayo ulit ng Dugo?
Babae: ummm uuummm hhu mmmuuummm.
Alin ang mas masarap
Bugoy: Pare sino sa palagay mo ang higit na nasasarapan ang lalake o ang babae pag tungkol sa SEX?
Dugoy: Lalake pare:
Bugoy: Mali ka pare, siyempre ang babae. Ganito ha, pag kaliligo mo lang, isinaksak mo ang hinliliit na dalairi mo sa tenga mo, kinalikot mo ng husto sabay hugot, alin ang mas nasarapan?
Bastos na Doctor
Gynecologist ang Doctor kaya puro babae ang mga pasyente. SOP sa Doctor na ito na LAHAT ay kailangan munang magpalista sa secretarya sa receiving room....mag hubo't hubad, hawakan ang numero, umupo at maghintay ng tawag ng numero bago pumasok sa mismong klinika...nag uusap ang tatlong babae:
Babae No. 1: Bastos na doctor na ito talaga, eto hubo at hubad tayong lahat dito...ako mag papakuha lang ng Blood Preassure.
Babae No. 2: Buti ka pa mag papa BP, ako kukunin ko lang ang sukli ko na naiwan kaninang umaga eh.
Babae No. 3: Swerte kayong dalawa..ako kukunin ko lang ang Payong ng Nanay ko na naiwan kahapon eh.
Q. Ano ang Bird of Wisdom?
A. Eh di Owl.
Q. Ano naman ang Bird of Peace?
A. Eh di Dove.
Q. An naman ang Bird of True love???
A. eH DI ...... the swallow
Bartender: Sir, tama na po lasing na po kayo :
Bugoy: Hhhhiiiinnndddeeee ako lashing:
Bartender: Papano po eh talagang lasing na po kayo.
Bugoy: Para patunayan kho sha yon nakikita mo ba yung pusa na iyon na papasok dito sa bar?
Bartender: eH SIR oPO.
Bugoy: Tignan mo, Isa lang ang mata...ganyan ako katalas pag nakainom.
Bartender: Sir, hindi po papasok yung Pusa, palabas po, puwit na po ng pusa yon hindi Mata.
Ano ang animal na di sigurado? Eh di BAKA.
Ano naman and laging napuputol? Eh di CAT.
E, ano naman ang palaging ayos? Eh, di OX.
Paano naman ang pangit? Eh di I-COW!
Nag-uusap ang tatlong embalsamador.
"Grabe yung nagawa ko noong isang araw, bumangga ang kotse ng lalaki sa poste pero dahil walang seatbelt, isang oras bago ko naalis lahat ang bubog sa mukha ng lalaki," kuwento ng una.
"Pare, wala 'yan sa inayos ko noong isang linggo. Batang naka-bike at nasagasaan ng train. Limang oras bago ko naihiwalay ang katawan ng bata sa bakal ng bike," kuwento naman ng ikalawa.
"Talo 'yan sa inayos ko noong isang buwan. Babaeng nagpapa-parachute, hindi bumukas ang parachute. Tuluy-tuloy ang bagsak at nasaksak siya sa flagpole. Isang linggo bago ko naalis ang ngiti ng babaeng ito," kuwento ng ikatlo.
Alam mo ba irog kung bakit hulog ka ng langit?Bakit Mahal?
DAHIL BAWAL KA DOON...!
Nagpa-cleaning ng ngipin
Nagpa-cleaning ng ngipin si Pedro sa kanyang dentista. Habang nakaupo sa silya at nakanganga ang bibig, nagsalita ang kanyang dentista.
"Nakipag-oral sex ka, ano?" tanong ng dentista.
Namula si Pedro at ngumita na lang. "Bakit dok, may buhok ba sa ngipin ko?"
"Hindi, may etsyas ka pa sa ilong mo, eh!"
Apat na nurse ang nag-uusap
Apat na nurse ang nag-uusap tungkol sa isang mayabang na doktor at napagplanuhan nilang paglaruan ito. Gumawa ng paraan ang apat para makaganti sa doktor at nagkita sila kinabukasan para pag-usapan ang mga ginawa nila.
"Sinaksakan ko ng bulak ang stethoscope niya para wala siyang marinig," tawang-tawang kinuwento ng unang nurse sa tatlo.
"Inalis kong lahat ang mercury sa mga thermometer niya at pininturahan kong lahat ito para mag-mukhang 106 degrees palagi ang basa niya," kuwento naman ng ikalawang nurse.
"Mas grabe ang ginawa ko, inaspili kong lahat ang balot ng condom sa kanyang desk para butas lahat ang gagamitin niya," kuwento ng pangatlo.
Hinimatay ang pang-apat.
'Prick his boil'
Naglalakad sa pasilyo ng ospital ang doktor nang bigla niyang makasalubong ang isa niyang pasyenteng sumisigaw at tumatakbo sa takot habang hinahabol naman ng isang nurse na may hawak na kumukulong tubig. Sumigaw ang doktor. "Nurse! Ang sabi ko, 'prick his boil', tusukin mo ang pigsa niya, hindi 'boil his prick!"
Babaeng nakahiga na sa isang operating table
May isang babaeng nakahiga na sa isang operating table sa pasilyo at naghihintay na lang na operahan.
May isang nakaputing lalaki ang lumapit sa kanya, inangat ang kumot at sinilip ang katawan nitong hubad.
Pagkatapos nitong tingang nang matagal ang hubad na katawan ng babae, umalis na ito.
Limang minuto ang nakaraan, ang mamang nakaputi ay bumalik at muling inangat ang kumot at sinilip ang hubad na katawan. Pagkatapos ay umalis na ito.
Makaraan ang ilang minuto, muli na namang bumalik ang mamang nakaputi at muling sumilip sa loob ng kumot.
"Dok, kelan ba ako ooperahan?" tanong ng babae.
"Hindi ko po alam, pintor lang ako rito," sagot ng mamang nakaputi.
Pusa natin....ang lambing-lambing.
wife: darling, tingnan mong pusa natin....ang lambing-lambing. lagi gusto sa lap ko.
husband: ulol! amoy isda kasi ang pekpek mo!
Two employees were caught naked and having sex in the office by da guard.
guard: Aha! violating company rules!
male: which rule?
guard: Not wearing uniform!
Ano tawag sa...
(a) giant pokemon? Pokemongmalaki
(b) Pinaksiw na pokemon? pokemongmaasim
(c) nagswiswiming na pokemon? pokemongbasa
(First time check up ng isang babae)
doc: Wow, ang laki-laki ng pekpek mo! Wow, ang laki-laki ng pekpek mo!
babae: Doc naman, inulit pa ng dalawang beses
doc: Hindi ko inulit. Nag-echo yon.
Excerpts from English-Filipino dictionary:
Aspect: pantusok / pandurog ng yelo City: bago mag-ocho Deduct: ang bibe5 Defeat: ang paa Deposit: ang gripo Detail: ang buntot Devastation: istasyon ng bus Effort: kung saan nagla-landing ang erflane Melt: ngamit mantali sa mewang mara indi maulog ang mantalon Persuading: unang kasal Depress: ang nagkasal sa persuading Predicate: pakawalan mo ang pusa Protestant: tindahan ng prutas Statue: ikaw ba 'yan?
JAPANISMS
To those who are planning to work in Japan.
Please read this paraawabasamo
Is this your property? Arimoto?
Yes, this is my property. Arikoto.
Is this yours? Sayobato?
This is mine. Sakinitu.
Can I have it? Akinato?
You can have it. Sayonato (sing.)
Can we have it? Saminato?
You can have it. Sanyonato (pl.)
You haven't washed your face.Mimutamatamo.
You've grown so thin! Kitanabutomo.
We saw each other. Kitakami.
We had a big get-together. Kitakitakami.
Have a drink before you go. Tomakamuna.
That was my assumption. Inakarako.
Let's go quickly! Bachi-na-yota!
We will boycott the election.Kaminoboto.
Underarm odor. Kirikiripawa
Are you a victim of discrimination? Minamatakaba?
I give up. Sukonako.
Ouch! Haraiku!
What a sad life it is. Hainaku.
I'm going to leave you. Sawanakosayo.
Mga Katanungan
Battle of the Brainless
Host: Ano ang pambansang hayop ng Pilipinas?
Jaena High School: Clue?
Host: Ito ay nagsisimula sa letrang "K".
Jaena High School: Aaahhhh... "K"uto?
Host: Hindiiii.... Eto pa ang isang clue. Katulong siya ng magsasaka sa pagbubungkal ng lupa.
John Forward High School: Aaahhh.... "K"utonglupa...
Beeep...
Host: Hindi.... Ang tamang sagot mga kababayan ay "K"alabaw... O sige pumunta tayo sa susunod na tanong...
Anong tawag sa mga taong nakatira sa Alaska? Clue: Magkasingtunog siya sa lotion na gamit ni Vilma Santos.
Siroullo High School: Eskinol?
Host: Mali! Eto pang isang clue. Walang letrang "N" pero merong "M"
Jaena Highschool: Eh di Eskimol...
Host: Mali pa rin... Next question... Sino ang pinakasexing artista natin ngayon na may film na Darna? Clue: Ang initials niya ay A.A.
Siroullo High School: Si... Anthony Alonzo?
Host: Hindi... Babae siya.
Jaena High School : Si... Alicia Alonzo?
Host: Mali! Susunod na tanong... Ano ang pambansang ibon ng Pilipinas? Clue: Nagsisimula ito sa letrang "M"
Siroullo High School: Aaaa eeehh... Manok?
Host: Hindi... Mas maliit ito...
John Forward High School: Maliit na manok...
Host: Hindiiii... Kulay brown ito....
Jaena High School: Aaaaaahhhh... Lechong manok...
Host: Mali. Ang tumpak na sagot ay "maya." Sunod na tanong... Sino ang ating pambansang bayani? Initials niya ay J.R.
Siroullo High School: Jeric Raval?
Host: Hindi, doctor siya e!
Jaena High School: Dr. Jeric Raval?
Host: Hindi, patay na siya!
Siroullo High School: Patay na si Jeric Raval!... (ay naku)
Host: Jose Rizal ang tumpak na kasagutan. Sunod na tanong... Ano ang pambansang kasuotan ng mga kababaihan? B.S. ang initials
Jaena High School: Bathing Suit?
Host: Mali. E, sa kalalakihan naman, ano ang tawag sa kasuotan. B rin ang simula.
Siroullo High School: Brief?
Host: Hindi, mas manipis pa ito...
Siroullo High School: Bikini brief?
Host: Mali... Baro at saya para sa babae at barong tagalog para sa lalaki. Huling tanong... Sino ang concert queen ng Pilipinas?
Siroullo High School: Clue?
Host: Ang initials niya ay P.F.
Jaena High School: Pernando Foe?
Host: Mali!
Jaena High School: A... e... ,Pernando Foe, Jr.?
Bagong salta sa America, yung Pinoy ay gustong mag-long distance sa Pilipinas kaya dinayal yung "0 for Operator".
Operator: AT&T. How may I help you?
Pinoy: Heyloow. Ay wud like to long distans da Pilipins, plis.
Operator: Name of the party you're calling?
Pinoy: Aybegyurpardon? Can you repit agen plis?
Operator: What is the name of the person you are calling?
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu and sori. Da name of my calling is Elpidio Abanquel. Sori and tenkyu.
Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you're calling phonetically.
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali?
Operator: Please spell out the letters comprising the name a letter at a time and citing a word for each letter.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Da name of Elpidio Abanquel is Elpidio Abanquel. I will spell his name foneticali. Elpidio: E as in Elpidio, L as in lpidio, p as in pidio, i as in idio, d as in dio, i as in io and o as in o.
Operator: Sir, can you please use English words.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Abanquel: A as in Airport, B as in Because, A as in Airport agen, N as in... Enemy, Q as in... Cuba, U as in... Europe, E as in... Important and L as in... Elephant.
Dalawang langaw dumapo sa isang piraso ng ebak:
langaw1: "pare excuse ha, nauutot ako eh!"
langaw2: "pare naman kumakain tayo eh!"
Bakit hindi pwedeng magtayo ng belen sa La Salle? kasi walang wisemen
Bakit hindi rin pwede sa Assumption? kasi walang virgin
Eh, ba't sa Ateneo pwede? dahil puro hayop sila!
Gentleman: Gusto mo ng mani na pulutan?
Lady: No thank you, tinatagihawat ako sa mani, e.
Gentleman: Ganoon ba? Buti na lang ako sa mukha lang!
Anong tawag sa pinay na nagtra-trabaho sa Japan? Japayuki
Anong tawag sa Hapon na pumupunta dito sa Pilipinas? Mamumuki
Anong mahirap sa U.P.? Law
Anong mahirap sa U.S.T.? Medicine
Anong mahirap sa La Salle? Parking
Filipino accounting terms:
asset = ari
fixed-asset = aring nakatirik
earning asset = aring ganado
frozen asset = pinatigas na ari
Anon'g tawag sa maliit na cat? Catiting.
Sa maliit na duck? Pan-duck
Sa maliit na goat? Kapirangoat
Eh sa maliit na dick? Butiti
Bembol Roco: "ang sakit ng ulo ko, parang binibiyak"
Rosanna Roces: "ang sakit ng biyak ko parang inuulo!"
Scene: 1996 Miss Universe pageant in Las Vegas. Host Bob Barker introducing the candidates.
Bob: Please welcome, Miss Canada!
Galing sa isang kasuluksulukan ng auditorium, a voice screams "Subterranean!"
Bob: Please welcome, Miss France!
Voice: Subterranean!
Bob: Please welcome, Miss Italy!
Voice: Subterranean!
Bob: Now, please welcome, Miss Papua New Guinea!
- Silence -
Bob: Please welcome, Miss USA!
Voice: Suuuub-teeerranean! Yah-hoo!!!
Bob: Please welcome, Miss Zaire!
- Silence -
During intermission, Bob was really curious why the voice was shouting "subterranean", so he dispatched a guard to fetch the fellow and bring him backstage. They picked up the guy who turns out to be a Filipino (from a remote barrio) who didn't speak English. So they got an interpreter to ask the Pinoy why he was shouting "Subterranean". Bob asked... "Did you mean Mediterranean? Or Carribean? And why do I seem to keep on hearing Subterranean?"
Sabi ng Pinoy: "Wala akong sinasabing "subterranean". Ang sabi ko, Sarap tirahin niyan!
Nag-o-order ng breakfast yung bagong saltang Pinoy sa isang coffee shop sa Manhattan...
Waiter: "What kind of coffee would you like, regular or decaf?"
Pinoy: "No... Big cup! Big cup!"
Waiter: "What would you like for your breakfast?"
Pinoy: "Hameneggs."
Waiter: "And how do you like your eggs, sir?"
Pinoy: "Yes, tenkyu, I like dem beri much."
Waiter: "No sir, I mean how would you like them cooked?"
Pinoy: "Yes, tenkyu, I wud like dem cooked."
Waiter (with increasing impatience): "Would you like your eggs... fried? poached? hard boiled or soft boiled?"
Pinoy (with increasing uneasiness): "Yes, one fried en one hard boiled or sop boiled."
Waiter: "And what bread would you like?"
Pinoy: "Begyurpardon?"
Waiter: "What kind of bread would you like... white? rye? whole wheat? toast?"
Pinoy: "Pan Amercano..."
Waiter: "We don't have that..."
Pinoy: "Okey. Gib me Taystee..."
Waiter: "We don't have that either, sir..."
Pinoy: "Do you heb pan de lemon or bonete?"
Waiter: "Sir, you are wasting my time... I shall ask for the last time, what would you like for breakfast?"
Pinoy: "Donut plis..."
Sapagkat galit na galit 'yung ama sa kabaklaan ng kaniyang kaisaisang anak na lalaki, nagbakasakali yung ama na kapag kaniyang pinarusahan ang kaniyang anak, ay malunasan at mawala ang kabaklaan ng kaniyang anak.
Ama: Magtapatan na nga tayo! Ano ka ba talaga... lalaki o babae?
Anak: Babwae po...
Ama: Hindi! Ikaw ay lalaki! Tandaan mo ito: Ikaw ay lalaki! Ngayon, ano ka ba talaga... lalaki o babae?
Anak: Nakwu, Tatay... talagwang talagwa... Babwae po...
Ama: Ako'y talagang galit na galit na! Kapag hindi ka pa sumagot ng tama, e, parurusahan na kita! Ngayon, ano ka ba talaga... lalaki o babae?
Anak: Kwahit na parusahwan niyo pwo ako, talaga pwong babwae po ako...
Sa lubos na galit ng ama, dinala niya ang kaniyang anak sa kanilang balon. Tinali ng mahigpit ang mga kamay at paa para hindi makagalaw at ihinulog ang kaniyang nakataling anak sa loob ng kanilang balon. Nagkikisay na lumubog sa tubig ang anak. Pagkaraan ng ilang sandali, halos hindi na kumikilos ang nakalubog na anak, inahon ng ama ang kaniyang anak na basang basa at abot-abot ang paghahabol ng kaniyang paghinga.
Ama: Ngayon, siguro naman natuto ka na! Ngayon, ano ka ba talaga... lalaki o babae?
Anak: Ngwayon pwo, alam kwo na kwung anwo talagwa akwo, Tatay! Akwo pwo ay isang... SIRENA...
Q: Bakit shy ang pig?
A: Kasi nanay niya baboy.
Q: Bakit shy ang chick?
A: Kasi nanay niyang manok may itlog ang tatay niya wala.
Q: Bakit naman shy ang toes?
A: Kasi foot ang ina niya.
Sa Kambing Pala
Teacher: Who among u has ever made love to a ghost?
Student: Ma'am, ako
Teacher: (Shocked) Ikaw? Sa multo?
Student: Ay, Akala ko Goat. hehehe
Q: Bakit maswerte ang may BF na bisaya?
A: Kasi dila pa lang matigas na!
Tatay na Mayabang
Ako'y tunay na natutuwa sa aking panganay na lalaki. Nagtapos ng Business Administration sa UP at mayroong MBA galing sa Harvard. Ngayon, e Presidente siya ng isang malaking Corporasyon. Sa yaman niya, e, binigyan niya ng isang Mercedes at isang BMW yung isang kaibigan niya.
Tatay na Mayabang Rin
Ako'y galak na galak sa bunso kong lalaki. Nagtapos ng Medicina sa UP-PGH at nag Residency sa Sloan Kettering. Ngayon, e Director for Research siya at kandidato para sa Nobel Prize. Mayaman din siya. Biro mo, yung isang kaibigan e binigyan niya ng apartment sa 5th Avenue sa Manhattan.
Tatay na Nahihiya
Ako'y medyo disappointed dito sa kaisaisa kong lalaki. Nangyari pa e bakla at binabae. Hindi bale nang malandi, e kung sino-sino pang lalaki ang mga kinakasama. Hairdresser siya pero mukha namang mahusay makisama. Yung kaniyang BMW at Mercedes, at yung tinitirhan niyang apartment sa 5th Avenue e bigay lahat ng mga "boypren" niya.
Use KULONG in a sentence: Wow, ang bango mo ah! What's your kulong? Use ICE BUKO in a sentence: Nagpagupit ako kanina. Ice buko ba? Use HOSTESS in a sentence: When you answer the phone, you say, "Hello, hostess?" Use DEFICIT in a sentence: Before going into the pool, I always check how deficit. Use CALCULATOR in a sentence: I can't talk to you on the phone right now, but I'll calculator. Use COMPLEX in a sentence: Every morning I eat complex with milk. Use CIRCUMFERENCE in a sentence: Hindi ako puedeng late umuwi. circumference ko eh. Use SPECIMEN in a sentence: I saw some specimen inside the spaceship. Use DECIBEL in a sentence: May nakita akong sirena kanina. Siya pala'y si decibel. Use SUSPICIOUS in a sentence: Mare, ang laki pala ng bahay ninyo. It's suspicious. Use LION in a sentence: Pare, nasaktan ba kita kanina? Huwag mo isipin pare, lion. Use STATUE in a sentence: Hello Margie, i-statue?
1. Use SCHOOLING in a sentence. (phone rings).....Hello? Who schooling?
2. Use AFFECT i n a sentence. Maria is wearing affect diamond ring.
3. Use ADIEU in a sentence. If you are adieu, the Arabs will kill you. 4. Use DEFLATE i n a sentence. Can you please wash deflate for me?
5. Use DELETION in a sentence. The balat of deletion is crispy.
6. Use DESPISE in a sentence. Who baked all despise?
7. Use DIFFERENT and DIFFERENTIAL in a sentence. I am looking for different of this boy to get differential consent so he can go to the picnic.
AND NOW FOR THE FILIPINOS WHO CAN READ AND UNDERSTAND TAGALOG:
1. Use BORROW in a sentence. Ang dumi naman ng borrow mo.
2. Use CAESAREAN in a sentence. Lintek, anak, mag-ingat ka, caesarean mo iyang laruan mo.
3. Use ARTESIA in a sentence (if you don't know what this is, it's a city or street in the Los Angeles country in California) Nako naman, ang ganda-ganda nang girlfriend niya, pero, ma-artesia.
4. Use CADET in a sentence. Cadet ko si Maria nung isang gabi. Ngayon, ikaw naman ang cadet niya.
5. Use CARDIAC in a sentence. Na cardiac yung kotse ni Pedro noong isang gabi.
6. Use CENTURION in a sentence. Na-centurion si Pedro ng tatay niya dahil sa kalokohan niya.
7. Use DEDICATE in a sentence. Pag ginamitan ng glue, siguradong dedicate iyan.
8. Use DEFIED in a sentence. What is 2+3? Eh defied, dali naman niyon.
9. Use DELICACY in a sentence. Bagal mo... delicacy mahuhuli na tayo.
10. Use DEPRECIATE in a sentence. Sister, depreciate already, kaya pwede na tayong kumain.
11. Use DIFFUSION in a sentence. Brownout...siguradong diffusion pumutok.
12. Use LAITY in a sentence. Taga "Laity" si Imelda Marcos.
And last but not the least:
13. Use MENTION in a sentence. Ang laki ng bahay nila, parang mention.
Matagal nang naghahanap ng trabaho yung bagong saltang Pinoy. Nakakita siya ng posibilidad sa "Help Wanted" section ng Classified Ads. "Wanted - Painter of Porch". Aba!, sabi nung Pinoy sa sarili... OK ito! Sa Pilipinas, e marami na akong pininta; yung libingan ng lolo ko, yung pader ng lumang bahay namin, yung kulungan ng mga baboy ng tiyo ko - pwede palagay ko ako rito! In-explain nung Kano na nangangailangan ng pintor: "I need to have my porch painted, all in one day. The work involves scraping all the paint up to the bare surface, applying a coat of primer and two final coats of orange paint. Can you do this?"Sagot nung Pinoy nung ininterbyu siya ng Kano... "Sir, yes sir. I can kaskas... I mean, remoob paint en apply paint beri well.""Okay!", sabi nung Kano. "You've got the job! Everything you'll need has been unloaded from the trunk of the car."Tatlong oras pa lang, narining na nung Kano na kumakatok yung Pinoy sa pinto niya. "Sir... Pinis oreydi"."Wow!" sabi nung Kano. "You finished the job in three hours. Are you sure you scraped the old paint to the bare surface?"
"Sir, yes sir. I tanggalated all the old paint." sagot nung Pinoy."Then, you deserve a bonus! Here's another 20 bucks." sabi nung Kano.
"Sir, tenkyu sir." wika nung Pinoy. "Pero sir, you don't heb a porch... your car is a BMW..."
Napansin nung Tiyo na yung kaniyang pamangkin na bagong salta sa America ay umiiyak sa tabi ng kaniyang nakatumbang bisikleta sa tabing daan. Tanong tuloy nung Tiyo, "Hijo, bakit ka umiiyak?"Sagot nung pamangkin, "Angkol, Angkol..." Madaling kinorek nung Tiyo yung kaniyang pamangkin, "Hijo, ikaw ay nasa America na. Hindi Angkol... Angkel!"Tinuloy nung pamangkin yung kaniyang kwento, "Angkel, Angkel, I rode my Bysikol..." Madali muling kinorek nung Tiyo yung kaniyang pamangkin, "Hijo, nasa America ka na. hindi Bysikol ang tawag diyan... Bysikel".Muling tinuloy nung pamangkin yung kaniyang kwento, "Angkel, Angkel, I rode my Bysikel to buy some Papsikol..." Madali na namang kinorek nung Tiyo, "Hijo, hindi Papsikol - Papsikel!"Tinuloy ulit nung pamangkin yung kaniyang kwento, "Angkel, Angkel, I rode my Bysikel, to buy some Papsikel... en den I pel... now I heb a Bukel..."
Sintomas ng mga Sobra Adik sa Chat
1. pasmado ang kamay
2. ulcer
3. lumulobong eyebags
4. warak na warak na bladder
5. tumatawa kahit walang tao
6. nagsasalita kahit walang tao
7. kinikilig habang tumitipa sa keyboard
8. nagkwekwento na gumagalaw ang daliri kahit walang keyboard
9. delingkwente sa trabaho at eskwela
10. lumiligaya ng sekswal kahit hindi nahihipo (psst... mga nagsa-cyber diyan..lol.)
11. kapag naiinis..parang gusto mag .(dot) kill
12. Walang kaibigan na me pangalang normal...
13. Hindi na kilala ng pamilya...
14. nanginginig kapag nalalayo sa computer
15. madalas manigas ang daliri
16. Inaatake ng kung anu-anong sakit kapag nasisira ang modem/down ang ISP
17. Kapag nakakarinig ng paulit ulit na nagsasalita na tao ang isinisigaw eh "stop flooding"
18. Ayaw ng maglunch pag nakaumpisang magchat
19. Overstay sa office instead of overtime.
20. ASL pa rin ang tanong pag nakikipagkilala in person.
21. BRB pa rin ang sinasabi sa teacher o sa Boss kung pupunta sa CR..
Additional Sintomas
1. When they greet someone, they say, "Hello Everybuddy!!!
2. Before leaving, they say "5...4...3...2...1... Bye Everybuddy!!!
3. When they see a girl, or someone who looks like one, they'll say Muaaaahhhh!!!"...................
4. Living out their fantasies in the chat room, like kissing a girl or someone who looks like a girl, or someone pretending to be a girl..can't do that in reality kaya sa chat room na lang.
5. Their typing speed is 100 words per minute.
6. Laughs like this, "Bwahahahahah!"........Hak Hak Hak "
7. Always gives a fake age and sex
Additional pa
1. Pag natutulog at nagising, unang dinig "Welcome or You got mail" ...Lol
2. Laging mataas ang Phone Bill, kahit nasa Africa tinatawagan.
3. Kahit nasaan, `pag may nakitang Comp. IRC agad ang nasa isip.
4. May blackbook na dala , pero puro screen name ang nakasulat instead real name.
5. Puro punters and tosser pinag uusapan, wala ng iba sa personal.
6. pag may nakilala kahit hindi onliners tanong agad "Chatter ka?"
7. Puro onliners ang GF o BF, ayaw ng nde onliner.
8. Laging nasa gimik ng IRC at kilala ang mga members.
9. Wall paper sa kwarto puro pic ng mga onliners. Lol
10. Laging nag-iisip kung anong nick name ang next na gagamitin.
11. Minumura si chanserv at nickserv kapag "currently down"..(nde kasi nila makukuha ang OP status nila!!)
At pinakamahalaga sa lahat
1. Ngumingiti patagilid.---> :) ---> =)
minsan may kindat pang kasama --> ;)
2. Daig pa ng grade 1 ang spelling.
Oisst!! yung mga chatter dyan...
ang tamaan `wag magagalit
he he he he he he he....
Courtesy of Mr. Jerwin Paglicawan
Note:
Kaya kung gustong nyo'ng umangal,
siya ang awayin nyo,
lagi sya sa Undernet,
a.k.a. chyco^17.
heheheheheheh..
thru lice jokes
the following jokes are based on true account
the weather
benedict: "sabi nila malalaman daw namin kaagad kung ano ang lagay ng panahon sa pamamagitan mo?"
karen: "oo. . kaya huwag mo akong galitin o asarin dahil kung magiging masama ang dating ng mukha ko, ganon din kasama ang darating na panahon."
cell phones are for the poor
glenda: "sir, may cell phone ka?"
chito: "ano ako poor? . . . hindi mo ba alam, ang cell phone ay para sa mga mahihirap lamang?"
glenda: "bakit naman?"
chito: "kasi kapag tinatawagan ko ang mga cell phone numbers ninyo. . . parating may sumasagot na, . . 'the number you dialed can not be rich'. . . "
The Negligee
A wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same, sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looks up at her and replies, "Yes dear, I do, you wore that same negligee the night we were married."
"That's right." she replied, "And do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?"
He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, 'Ohhhhhhh, Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out!'"
She giggles and says, "Yes, that was it. That was exactly what you said! Well, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?" Again, he looks up at her, looks her up and down and says, "Mission accomplished."
Filing Her Taxes
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work.
That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that"
The woman says, "OK, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised over 2,000 cocks last year!"
Please warn your friends and relatives back in the Philippines about these viruses..
THE ERAP Virus--creates aliases of all your valuable files and gives them fictitious names.
THE 11SENATORS virus--initially will refuse to open files but after much complaining from you, will consent to open them.
THE KIT TATAD virus--known to have first appeared more than 20 years ago, it constantly reinvents itself. The latest version screws up your computer, and then will come out with a message explaining why it screwed it up!
THE TESSIE ORETA virus--a moving screen saver that takes over your computer similar to the dancing baby!
THE FORTUN BROTHERS virus--causes your computer screen to blink continuously.
THE ESTELITO MENDOZA virus--causes prominent people to just show up uninvited and use your computer so that you have to move to another one.
THE MIRIAM virus--screens your hard disk, chooses any three files at random and attempts to expel them.
THE ENRILE virus--among other things, it is known to add and delete Data files (dagdag-bawas) when it wants to. It has been suspected to have caused many serious system crashes and also likes to brag that it is indestructible.
THE HONASAN virus--a clone of the ENRILE virus.
THE OPLE virus-- a virus so old it will probably just expire by itself!
THE SOTTO virus--attacks jokes and short messages.
THE RAMON REVILLA virus--causes your computer to sleep suddenly.
THE COSETENG virus--makes all images on your screen look fat.
THE JAWORSKI virus--the most clueless virus.
THE JOHN OSMEŅA virus--attaches to data but instead of being filed in a folder, it prefers a closet!
MARRIAGE
When a man holds a womans hand before marriage it is love; after marriage its is self defense.
Marriage is a three-ring affair: first comes the engagement ring; then comes the wedding ring; then comes the suffering.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a womans finger and two rings under the mans eyes.
Marriage is Love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
A marriage certificate is just another name for a work permit.
Marriage is very much like a violin: after the sweet music is over, the strings are still attached.
Marriage is like a lottery. Except in a lottery, at least you have chance.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
Marriage is a union. It is a union of souls, a union of hearts, a union of minds and a union of thoughts. But soon youll have to pay those union dues.
Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
A wedding ring is very much like a tourniquet. It prevents your circulation.
Marriage is just like a box of chocolates. You have to buy the whole box just to get one little piece.
Its true; all men are born free and equal but some of them get married.
If you say that all men are fools, its not true. Some are bachelors.
They say, "Marriage is a Bed of Roses". Yes, this is true. Except that the blooms have been plucked!!
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Arent you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered a few words in his sleep and found himself divorced.
Marriage is wonderful. If you see a bachelor you will find he has no buttons on his shirt. But if you see a married man.you will find he has no shirt.
Marriage is a wonderful game. Its the only game where two can play and both can win.
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelors degree and the woman gets her masters.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I dont know, san, Im still paying for it."
Young son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesnt know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
Bachelors may not have better halves but they certainly have better quarters.
Marriage is lots of fun. Its the living together that causes all the problems.
A bachelor is a man who has been crossed in love; a married
Computer Technical letters
Dear Technical Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. This is very annoying. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 or trying Girlfriend 8.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program.
Can you help me, please!!!
Thanks,
Joe
********************
Dear Joe:
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. It is not. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run every aspect of your system! If you are thinking about purging Wife 1.0 and reverting to Girlfriend 7.0, be advised that it is nearly impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the Wife 1.0 program files from the system once installed. Hidden operating files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained.
However, some people have had success installing Divorce Lawyer 2.2, but this program is very expensive and will drain most (if not all) of your system resources. You'll need to evaluate the trade-off of having fewer resources compared to benefits of being able to run your other favorite programs (i.e., Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0). Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under Error Messages: "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support" and "Warning-New Psycho Bitch from Hell" before you attempt to do this.
I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. Even though you are not at fault, the best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.
In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. Remember, the system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but VERY high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
What if Virus?
Clinton Virus Gives you a 7 inch hard drive with NO memory.
Viagra Virus Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
Lewinsky Virus Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.
Ronald Reagan Virus Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
Mike Tyson Virus Quits after two bytes.
Oprah Winfrey Virus Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB,then slowly expands to 200 MB.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian Virus Deletes all old files.
Ellen Degeneres Virus Disks can no longer be inserted.
Titanic Virus (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus) Your whole computer goes down (but I think "we go on.")
Disney Virus Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
Prozac Virus Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
Joey Buttafucco Virus Only attacks minor files.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAACK!.
Lorena Bobbit Virus Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.
Sex to lose Weight
Sex is the most practical and funniest way of losing weight. Look how many calories you can burn:
TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES
With her agreement.12 cal
Without her agreement.................187 cal
TAKING OFF THE BRA
With both hands............................8 cal
With one hand.............................12 cal
With one hand being slapped....37 cal
With the mouth.............................85 cal
PUTTING ON THE CONDOM
With erection..............................6 cal
Without erection.........................315 cal
PRELIMINARIES
Trying to find the clitoris.............8 cal
Trying to find G spot.....................92 cal
Without caring at all....................0 cal
WHEN DOING IT
Holding her up..............................12 cal
Just on the floor..............................8 cal
POSITIONS
daddy-mummy............................ 12 cal
69 laying.....................................8 cal
69 standing up...........................112 cal
Trolley.....................................216 cal
Italian chandelier.......................912 cal
HAVING AN ORGASM
Real........................................112 cal
Fake.......................................315 cal
POST ORGASM
Staying in bed..............................18 cal
Jumping off the bed.........................36 cal
Explaining why she jumped off the bed...816 cal
GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION
Between 16 and 19 years of age...... 12 cal
from 20 to 29........................ .......36 cal
from 30 to 39........................ .....108 cal
from 40 to 49........................ .....324 cal
from 50 to 59........................ .....972 cal
over 60..................................2916 cal
PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES
Quietly................................... 32 cal
Being in a hurry.............................98 cal
With her husband opening the door.......1218 cal
(above three articles courtesy of pidong)
Car Accident
A woman and a man got into a car accident, and it's really a bad one. Parehong wasak na wasak ang kanilang mga sasakyan, but mazingly neither of them were hurt. After they crawled out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.... And Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, pero masuwerte pa rin tayo dahil buhay at hindi man lamang tayo nasaktan. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days. The man replied, "I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. At pagkasabi noon ay iniabot niya sa lalaki ang bote ng wine. The man shakes his head in agreement, binuksan ang bote ng wine at tinungga ng tatlong beses na halos makalahati niya ang bote, at iniabot niya pabalik sa babae. Kinuha ng babae ang bote, sinaran agad-agad ang takip at iniabot pabalik sa lalaki. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police to come..."
A judicial clerk in a small and far-flung provincial court had to translate, from Tagalog to English, the following passage uttered by a witness:
"Pagkatapos ng kung ano-ano ay nagdatingan ang kung sino-sino!"Confidently and simply, the clerk wrote:"After the what-what came the who-who!"
Funny Signs
Attached is a new game of bubbles for you. Enjoy!
Funny Signs in Great Britain: (but could be anywhere)
1. In a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
2. In a London Department Store: Bargain Basement Upstairs
3. In an Office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
4. In another Office: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
5. On a Church Door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)
6. Outside a Second-Hand Shop: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
7. Quicksand Warning: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned by order of the District Council.
8. Notice in a Cleaner's Window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
9. In a Health Food Shop Window: Closed due to illness.
10. Spotted in a Safari Park: Elephants Please Stay in Your Car
11. Seen during a Conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
12. Notice in a Field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
13. Message on a Leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
14. On a Repair Shop Door: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
15. Spotted in a toilet in a London Office Block: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch! " Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"
Insurance agent 1: I can insure you from birth till death!
Insurance agent 2: I can insure you from womb to tomb!
Insurance agent 3: I can insure you from sperm to germ!
Insurance agent 4: Mine is the best, from erection to resurrection!
Napkin manufacturers are wrong they didn't realize that women didn't want wings, they want the whole BIRD!
Liver and Cheese
A Filipino, a black man, and a white guy are in a bar having a drink when a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, "Whoever can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in a creative sentence can have me. So the white guy says" I love liver and cheese." She says "That's not good enough." The black man says "I hate liver and cheese." She says" That's not creative. Finally, the Filipino says "Liver alone, cheese mine." " leave her alone, she's mine"
Why did Magic Johnson get AIDS? because he played with Larry's Bird
Why did David Copperfield get AIDS? because he played with Magic
A couple having sex in the woods. 15 minutes later.
man: "I wish I brought a flashlight."
girl: "so do I, for 10 minutes you have been eating grass!"
Mom was with her 16 years old who said: "Mom I need a bra." Mom ignored. Again, "Mom I need a bra." Mom went on shopping. Almost crying, "Mom I need a bra." Mom: "shut up George!"
I felt so hot, you did it all to me. Took my legs apart and ravaged my tender juicy flesh, you took all I had but when you had you just left me cold, how sad is the life of a chicken!
A doctor's in danger of losing his license to practice medicine. He was caught having sex with some of his patients. It's such a shame, he was the best veterinarian in town!
Angry Snow white was overheard in the 7 dwarfs hut, "when I said I want seven inches, I don't mean one inch at a time."
What sexual position produces gorgeous babies? Ask my parents!
A Whale of a Tale...
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the safety of the shore. The male whale was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore". At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen".
Never eat those items on the menu!
An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. "Sir, these are the cojones," the waiter replied." The what, you say?" exclaimed the tourist. "They are testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter. "They are the delicacy of our country." The tourist gulped, but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: "Today's cojones are much smaller than the ones I had yesterday." "True, sir," said the waiter, "you see, the bull, he does not always lose."
Dead cow and the mermaid
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parent's dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river. Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest son woke up and saw his parent's dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
Cycle of kisses
A man snatches the first kiss, pleads for the second, demands the third, takes the fourth, accepts the fifth, and endures all the rest.
Wishing (You) well
A married couple goes to a wishing well. The man leans over, tosses a coin, and makes a wish. The wife decides to make a wish, too, leans over, and falls into the well. Man: IT WORKS!
Why did Eve bitten the forbidden apple? Because it taste better than Adam's banana.
The "Dear. John" Letter
The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following: "Regret can not remember which one is you ... please keep your photo and return the others."
12 slices of toast
Little Johnny was a young boy, just potty trained. When he went to the bathroom though, he hit everything but the toilet. So, mom had to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and took little Johnny to the doctor. After the examination the Dr. said, "Well, his unit is too small. An old wives tale was to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight." Next morning Johnny jumped out of bed and ran down to the kitchen. On the table are 12 slices of toast. "MOM," Johnny yelled, "the Doc said I only had to eat 2 slices!" "I know," smiled his mom, "The other 10 are for your father."
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