A Malaprop is defined as a word used in the belief that it has the meaning
really belonging to another word that resembles it in some particular characteristic.
In real life, malaprops are usually uttered by people
who don't even realize their fox paws.
You need to hear loud and clear what I'm writing here so you bunglestand it.
I want you all to line up in alphabetical order according to your size.
I guess I'll have to start from scraps.
If people don't want to come to the ballpark, nobody can stop them.
It's déjà vu all over again.
In the 1940s the movie mogul Sam Goldwyn misused language so much that
malaprops became known as Goldwynisms.
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
I read part of it all the way through.
I never liked him and I probably always will.
Every Tom, Dick and Harry is named William.
For your information, I would like to ask a question.
Now, gentlemen, listen slowly.
In two words: im-possible!
Include me out.
The Norm Crosby Tribute
"To walk out and have an ovulation like that, it just means so much." - Norm Crosby
I always thought Norm Crosby was one of the funniest men alive. I say was, not because he's dead, but because he's really old now with lots of ear hair and that's not funny.
His claim to fame was coin the term "Malaprops" where a word was used in
a sentence that sounded a bit like the right one, but wasn't. Thanks to Jay Phillpot, here are a bunch of em!
My Daddy is a Beethovenist (chauvinist) pig!
He's not the brightest (sharpest) knife in the drawer.
The doctor told me I had a high hurdle (hiatal) hernia.
Let dead (sleeping) dogs lie.
It's as easy as falling off a bike (riding a bike).
It was en exercise in fertility (futility).
According to my careful prosthesis (prognosis), your plan will fail.
We have all the anemones (amenities) of life.
It's a doggie dog world (dog eat dog).
I think the statue (statute) of limitations has expired. ...and then, just as we got there, loan (low) and behold he showed up!
It looks like it's time to trim this ivory (ivy).
It sure is uncomfortable today. The humility (humidity) must be very high.
At the hospital, they attached electrons (electrodes) to my head.
The prospectors (prosecutors) will work the trial in the second phase.
We've got to get our inertia up.
John Smith is being tried for decaffinating (decapitating) another person.
Mediocrity (curiosity) killed the cat Here's a classy (classic) example
The pond water looks hazy because you stirred-up a lot of old sentiments (sediments).
There's one for the wrecker (record) books.
They use geyser (Geiger) counters to look for uranium.
Those medical records of your are strictly confidant (confidentiality).
The sour drink made her pierce (purse) her lips.
Hey bartender I'll have another one of those heifer vision (hefewiezen) beers please.
Once one child gets Chicken Pops (Pocks) it's best to expose all their siblings to it.
That state park has beautiful sand dooms (dunes).
He has to work on New Year's Eve because of that Will it be O.K.(Y2K) computer thing.
She was on those pheasant (Phen-Fen) pills to lose weight.
I heard that in Denmark, you can get room and broad (board) for pretty cheap.
Darth Maul used a labor (laser) sword as a weapon.
We were at a club and saw a translucent (transvestite) sitting at the bar.
We learned all about idiots (idioms) in English today.
When he was in Russia, he exchanged money on the black mark-up (market).
I have to admit that it was a bald-faced (bold-faced) lie.
He felt like she was taking him completely for granite (granted).
This rash on my face is a touch of emphysema (eczema).
While we were in England we had tea and crumples (crumpets).
That girl who ate the squid... did she eat the testicles (tentacles) too?
We had a 15 inch erotic (exotic) house plant in our living room.
I need the afternoon off to attend my brother's consummation (convocation).
That's a mute (moot) point. Sexually (actually), I've been very busy with school work.
That is a good ideal (idea). They called President Kennedy's presidency a camel's lot (Camelot).
The character in that book had leopardsy (leprosy).
My managed care plan won't cover preconceived notions (preexisting conditions).
They call that ground cover mush (mulch).
The flora and vulva (fauna) of this area are extremely diverse.
The attorney objected to the questioning because it was irrevocable (irrelevant).
Person tuning a ukulele: My dog has feces, my dog has feces (fleas).
Oh, I just love those impersonal (impressionist) painters, especially Monet. Mom, if girls get girl (grilled) cheese sandwiches,
then what do boys eat?
Doing heroin is like a million organisms (orgasms) all at once!
She put her funds into what they call a monkey (money) market account.
He fished in Montana and caught a bunch of those rain-grown (rainbow) trout.
Watch for a drop in the baritone (barometric) pressure.
The fancy uniform that your Grandpa wore had epileptics (epaulets) on the sleeves.
That's nothing but an old wise (wives') tale.
The man determines the sex of the baby by his technicals (testicles).
You made your boat (bed), now lie in it. I don't have very good blind (hind) sight.
They gave the accident victim artificial insemination (respiration).
She made a slide (snide) remark to me the other day.
Let's just play it by year (ear).
Enlisted troops may leave at 1300 at the desecration (discretion) of their supervisor.
Those Mongolia (Magnolia) trees are simply magnificent when they are in bloom.
I have very low self of steam (self esteem).
Change is inedible (inevitable).
Since the doctor knew the symptoms were fake, he prescribed a placenta (placebo).
She doesn't feel comfortable behind the wheel, so she drives very erotically (neurotically).
That man has the worst blind (hind) sight in the world.
How did your autopsy (biopsy) go?
She so skinny, she's totally emancipated (emaciated).
He was so so happy it felt like he was in Ethiopia (Utopia).
Magellan circumcised (circumnavigated) the earth with a 50 foot clipper.
After her Cadillac (cataract) surgery her vision was much improved.
They had such beautiful voices, they were singing Acapulco (acapella).
When she was a baby she had spiny whiny Jesus (spinal meningitis).
The symphony was wonderful. . . the music was beautiful and so, so....urethral (ethereal)!"
I ripped the cartridge (cartilage) up in my knee and tore some tenants (tendons).
"I'll never forget the time my brother choked at dinner and my father
gave him the Hemlock Remover." - Anon.
Ann Landers - Teacher compiles essay of students' historical malaprops
DEAR ANN LANDERS: I am sending you an essay put together by Richard Lederer, a teacher at St. Paul's school. It is made up from lines in
student papers, collected by history and English teachers around the country. He swears they were real and that he did not make them up. -
Graduate Student in the Bronx
DEAR BRONX: Please tell Richard Lederer (no relation) that I loved his collection and will claim him as an honorary cousin if he is willing.
The History of the World
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They traveled by Camelot. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. David was a Hebrew king who fought the Philatelists. Solomon, one of David's
sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. The mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Styx until he became
intolerable. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who died from an overdose of wedlock.
Eventually the Ramones conquered the Greeks. Nero was a cruel tyrant who tortured his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
In the Middle Ages, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was canonized by George Bernard Shaw. The
Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. William Tell shot an arrow through an apple while
standing on his son's head.
In the Renaissance, Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being
excommunicated by a bull. The painter Donatello's interest in the female nude made him the father of the Renaissance. Gutenberg invented the
Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh invented cigarettes, and Sir Frances Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
Queen Elizabeth's navy defeated the Spanish Armadillo. William Shakespeare wrote about Romeo and Juliet, a romantic couplet. Miguel
Cervantes wrote ``Donkey Hote.'' John Milton wrote ``Paradise Lost.'' Then his wife died and he wrote ``Paradise Regained.''
Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were the Nina, the Pinta and
the Santa Fe.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was that the English put tacks in their tea. Benjamin Franklin invented electricity by rubbing cats
backward. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Abraham Lincoln's mother died in infancy. He signed the Emasculation Proclamation. In 1865, Lincoln got shot by an actor in a moving picture.
His name was John Wilkes Booth. This ruined Booth's career.
Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
Bach and Handel were famous composers. Handel was half-German, half-Italian and half-English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the
present. Beethoven was so deaf that he wrote loud music. He expired in 1827 and later died from this.
Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx
became one of the Marx Brothers.
"Airplanes and ticket counters will soon be flying out of Reagan National Airport."
- George Bush
More Malaprops Soon
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