Humpme Dumpme
Beam Me UP
Why do women have 2 holes?
So they can piss and moan at the same time.
What's the definition of a perfect date?
One that s*cks and f*cks until midnight, then turns into a pizza and a case of beer.
What's the usless piece of meat around a p*ssy?
The woman.
Why did the cave men drag there women by the hair? So they didn't fill up with sand.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven!
Why are women like guns?
Keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant! or Smart!
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to
interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced
What is a women thinking when she says ...... I do? That's the last damn blowjob I'll ever have to give.
When is it meaningless sex to a women?
When you've already married her.
What's the result of having two wives?
Two mother-in-laws!
Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
Wedding cake.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?"
The other one says, "Relax. We just passed the tonsil."
Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow
What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme