MALE LANGUAGE PATTERNS

Beam Me UP

** "I can't find it,"
REALLY MEANS,
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

** "That's women's work,"
REALLY MEANS,
"It's dirty, difficult and thankless."

** "Will you marry me?"
REALLY MEANS,
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

** "It's a guy thing,"
REALLY MEANS,
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

** "Can I help with dinner?"
REALLY MEANS
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

** "It would take too long to explain, "
REALLY MEANS,
"I have no idea how it works."

** "I'm getting more exercise lately,"
REALLY MEANS,
"The batteries in the remote are dead."

** "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard, "
REALLY MEANS,
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

** "That's interesting, dear,"
REALLY MEANS,
"Are you still talking?"

** "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love,
REALLY MEANS,
"I forgot our anniversary again."

** "You expect too much of me,"
REALLY MEANS,
"You want me to stay awake."

** "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses,"
REALLY MEANS,
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, wearing a thong."

** "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal,"
REALLY MEANS,
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

** "I do help around the house,"
REALLY MEANS,
"I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."

** "What did I do this time?"
REALLY MEANS,
"What did you catch me doing?"

** "You really look terrific in that outfit,"
REALLY MEANS,
"Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."

** "I brought you a present,"
REALLY MEANS,
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game."

** "I missed you,"
REALLY MEANS,
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

** "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are,"
REALLY MEANS,
"No one will ever see us alive again."

** "We share the housework,"
REALLY MEANS,
"I make the messes. She cleans them up."

** "I don't need to read the instructions,"
REALLY MEANS,
"I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help.