These are the collected writings of the Simpsons from the chalkboard exercises that Bart
writes during the opening credits.
- I will not carve gods.
- I will not spank others.
- I will not aim for the head.
- I will not barf unless I'm sick
- I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
- I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
- I will not conduct my own fire drills.
- Funny noises are not funny.
- I will not snap bras.
- I will not fake seizures.
- This punishment is not boring and pointless.
- My name is not Dr. Death.
- I will not defame New Orleans.
- I will not prescribe medication.
- I will not bury the new kid.
- I will not teach others to fly.
- I will not bring sheep to class.
- A burp is not an answer.
- Teacher is not a leper.
- Coffee is not for kids.
- I will not eat things for money.
- I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
- The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
- I will not call the principal "spud head".
- Goldfish don't bounce.
- Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
- No one is interested in my underpants.
- I will not sell miracle cures.
- I will return the seeing-eye dog.
- I do not have diplomatic immunity.
- I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
- I will never win an emmy.
- The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
- All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
- I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
- I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
- My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
- I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
- I am not deliciously saucy.
- Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
- The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
- I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
- There are plenty of businesses like show business.
- Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
- I will not waste chalk.
- I will not skateboard in the halls.
- I will not instigate revolution.
- I will not draw naked ladies in class.
- I did not see Elvis.
- I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes".
- Garlic gum is not funny.
- They are laughing at me, not with me.
- I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.
- I will not encourage others to fly.
- I will not fake my way through life.
- Tar is not a plaything.
- I will not Xerox my butt.
- It's potato, not potatoe.
- I will not trade pants with others.
- I am not a 32 year old woman.
- I will not do that thing with my tongue.
- I will not drive the principal's car.
- I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
- I will not sell school property.
- I will not burp in class.
- I will not cut corners.
- I will not get very far with this attitude.
- I will not belch the National Anthem.
- I will not sell land in Florida.
- I will not grease the monkey bars.
- I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
- I will not do anything bad ever again.
- I will not show off.
- I will not sleep through my education.
- I am not a dentist.
- Spitwads are not free speech.
- Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
- High explosives and school don't mix.
- I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
- I will not squeak chalk.
- I will finish what I sta
- "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.
- Underwear should be worn on the inside.
- The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
- I will not torment the emotionally frail.
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