---> February 1, 1994 <--- ================================================= Top Ten Ways $10 Million Will Change The Slivniks ================================================= 10. No more generic toilet paper...it's Charmin time! 9. MasterCard will raise their credit limit from $2,000 to "Go nuts, Chester!" 8. Can take a real cruise instead of that one with Kathie Lee 7. You know eggs? Those round, white things you have for breakfast? Well, my friends, get used to calling them "Slivniks" 6. Can now afford to buy President Clinton lots of french fries (Dave had an animation of Clinton's head and a box of french fries spinning around to the music from the film "2001") 5. Future junk mail from Publishers Clearing House will read, "You may have already won another ten million dollars!" 4. Every evening, a fresh case of Colt .45 will be delivered to their doorstep by Mr. Billy Dee Williams 3. All the wheat they can eat! (Dave showed off his record collection, and one song was from an album named Number One Hard from the Canada Grain Industry. This song was dedicated to wheat, with the following lyrics: Wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, makes your life complete!) 2. Can hire guy to take out granddaughter's figure skating rival 1. Mr. Slivnik has a shot at Marla Maples ---> February 2, 1994 <--- ========================================== Top Ten Ways To Mispronounce Jeff Gillooly ========================================== 10. Jeff Giloony 9. Jeff Gluey 8. Jif Gellahee 7. Jeff Goldblum 6. Gilly Ooly Ooly Gilly Goo 5. Prisoner #3275 4. Mr. Magooly 3. Chef Boyardee 2. Boutros Boutros Gillooly 1. Guilty ---> February 4, 1994 <--- ========================================== Top Ten Disney Productions In Times Square ========================================== 10. When You Wish Upon My Lap 9. Mr. Toad's Pantsless Ride 8. Space Mounting 7. Mickey & Minnie, Doing It Live! 6. Aladdin '94: "Rub This!" 5. It's a Large World 4. Mary's Poppin'! 3. Hookers of the Caribbean 2. Beauty and the Bobbitt 1. Free Willy ---> February 3, 1994 <--- ===================================== Top Ten Oliver North Campaign Slogans ===================================== 10. "I'll trade arms for your vote" 9. "Don't make me get a real job" 8. "At least you already know that I'm a liar" 7. "A man of convictions, none of them pending" 6. "Shred this!" 5. "I've seen Ronald Reagan naked" 4. "Every American will have pizza delivered by the Rockettes!" (The Rockettes were lined up to a pizza place around the corner from the theater, and passed a slice of pizza from person to person, while kicking to the tune of "New York, New York" until it finally reached Dave) 3. "Paper shredder + potatoes = delicious french fries for President Clinton" (Dave had an animation of Clinton's head and a box of fries spinning around to the music from the film "2001") 2. "If I-ran/Contra, I can run the country!" 1. "I nailed Fawn Hall" ---> February 7, 1994 <--- =============================== Top Ten Rejected Olympic Sports =============================== **To assist in this Top Ten List, Dave had Paula Zahn and Harry Smith from "CBS This Morning", playing a cello and tuba, respectively, after each entry.** 10. Pantsless Ski Jump 9. Synchronized Hockey 8. Four-man Zamboni 7. Racketeering 6. Bobsled with Bob Barker, Bob Eubanks and Bob Hope 5. Really Drunk Luge 4. Lead Pipe Free-For-All 3. Bare-Assed Slalom 2. Bobbittsledding 1. Freestyle Gillooly ---> February 8, 1994 <--- ========================================================== Top Ten Things Overheard At Ronald Reagan's Birthday Party ========================================================== 10. "Why's Reagan trying to blow out the chandelier?" 9. "Happy Birthday to...wait stop. He's wandered off again!" 8. "...And now president Reagan will use his Playskool phone to call and wish himself a Happy Birthday" 7. "Mommy make me cake! Cake good" 6. "More coffee, Quayle!" 5. "Hey, someone spiked the punch with Grecian Formula" 4. "Excuse me, I've got to exercise the old 'Trickle-Down Theory', if you know what I mean" 3. "Quick, hide the cake! Rush Limbaugh's here!" 2. "Wow, a Beavis and Butthead T-Shirt!" 1. "Am I still President?" ---> February 9, 1994 <--- ============================================= Top Ten Signs The Beatles May Be Here Tonight ============================================= 10. Giant yellow submarine parked in front of theater 9. Street vendors selling Ringo Dogs 8. They were supposed to be on last night, but we ran out of time 7. The entire theater smells like Liverpool 6. Pete Best spotted in the standby tickets line 5. Saw Dan Rather outside waving his autograph book 4. Late last night Ringo's hairpiece arrived at JFK 3. Letterman spent his day warming up for post-show jam session (Here, they played that famous clip of a guy that sort of looks like Dave playing a violin, singing "Camptown Races) 2. Yoko Ono spotted outside theater holding lead pipe 1. Hell has just frozen over ---> February 10, 1994 <--- ================================================== Top Ten Questions Connie Chung Asked Tonya Harding ================================================== 10. "Would you walk through the metal detector one more time, please?" 9. "Do you think you could kick my ass?" 8. "Can you help me and Maury have a baby?" 7. "How much do you think your pals would charge to whack Dan Rather's knees?" 6. "What the hell is that Cop on the Edge thing?" (All night, Dave had little skits with Bruno Kirby as the "Cop on the Edge") 5. "Do you know Amy Fisher?" 4. "When he hit Nancy in the knee, did it sort of sound like 'Chunnnggg'?" 3. "Did you see the Beatles reunion on Letterman last night?" (Here they played the clip from Wednesday's show of Calvert DeForest, as the Beatles, singing one of their tunes) 2. "How many packs of cigarettes is a gold medal worth in prison?" 1. "Can you spell 'Gillooly'?" ---> February 11, 1994 <--- ============================================= Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win A Medal ============================================= 10. Instead of music, you're ice dancing to Larry King's radio show 9. Right this minute you're shoveling driveways for beer money 8. You're the only speed skater not wearing pants 7. Two words: Team Fiji 6. Instead of the Olympic Village you're staying at the Lillehammer Days Inn 5. You're in the biathlon and you exchanged your rifle for a Toys 'R' Us gift certificate 4. It takes a bottle of corn oil to get you in and out of your luge suit 3. You trained for the last 4 years by throwing hatchets at your living room wall (Here, the famous clip of Dave throwing axes into his living room wall was shown) 2. Your ice dancing partner is Roseanne Arnold 1. Your name is Tonya Harding ---> February 14, 1994 <--- ============================= Top Ten Fabio's Pick-Up Lines ============================= **Fabio made a special appearance for this list, reading each entry after Dave said the number** 10. Can I buy you a drink after I finish my 2,000 sit-ups? 9. Don't you think the "No Shirt, No Service" policy is ridiculous? 8. Wanna help me choose a last name? 7. You look hungry. I will microwave you a burrito. 6. How would you like to ride a finely tuned Italian love machine? 5. Did you know that "Fabio" is Italian for "Fonzie"? 4. Yo, Mama, what it is? Let's you and me get it on! 3. Who do you like better -- Beavis or Butthead? 2. I find you very attractive even though your chest is much smaller than mine 1. Wow! You are almost as beautiful as me! ---> February 15, 1994 <--- =============================================== Top Ten Things Overheard In The Olympic Village =============================================== 10. "Lead pipes! Get your lead pipes here!" 9. "Let's count all the fat guys in luge suits" 8. "My name's Michael Jordan and I'm here to enter the ski jump competition" 7. "How do you say 'screw you' in Norwegian?" 6. "I'm sorry, but I still can't find your name on the guest list, Mr. Gillooly" 5. "How much for the fake gold medals?" 4. "It must be a treat for Hillary to see real athletes instead of Bill in those jogging shorts" 3. "How 'bout a little two-man luge?" (If you know what I mean) 2. "I'm sorry Mrs. Letterman, but your son's credit card is no good" (Dave's mom is stationed in Lillehammer as the Olympic correspondent for the Late Show) 1. "There's no way I'm rooming with Harding!" ---> February 16, 1994 <--- ================================= Top Ten Signs Greg Gumbel Is Nuts ================================= 10. Has been eating nothing but Slim Jims and Gatorade 9. Every time the U.S. wins a medal, he takes off another article of clothing 8. Asks each of his guests, "Who's fatter, me or Bryant?" 7. The parrot and the eye patch 6. Signed a long-term contract with CBS Sports 5. Invested millions in line of soups called Greg Gumbo 4. Signs off each night with "Take that, you Norwegian bastards!" 3. Drank quart of Old Milwaukee and tried to extinguish Olympic torch 2. Officially changed name to Greg Gumbel-Gillooly 1. Keeps proposing to my mom (Dave's mom is stationed in Lillehammer as the Olympic correspondent for the Late Show) ---> February 17, 1994 <--- ================================================== Top Ten Good Things About Not Winning A Gold Medal ================================================== 10. No problem getting through the metal detector on the trip home 9. Five words: Year's supply of Turtle Wax 8. Sure they give you the gold medal, but they make you pay plenty for the matching earrings 7. Aren't subject to Clinton's new "Gold Medal Tax" 6. Instead of being "Joe, the Fastest Skier in the World," it's kind of nice just to be "Dorky Ol' Joe" 5. Sympathy goes a long way with Norwegian chicks 4. You won't get mugged for it on the D-Train 3. Don't have to go to White House and jog with bloated president 2. Fame and wealth often inspire strangers to break into your home 1. Gillooly won't push for a reconciliation ---> February 18, 1994 <--- ========================================= Top Ten Norwegian Nicknames For Americans ========================================= **To assist in the presentation of this list, Dave's mom, live from Norway, read each entry after Dave read the number** 10. Star-Spangled Ninnies 9. Opraholics 8. Djorks 7. Knee-Clubbers 6. Gap-Toothed T.V. Boy 5. Tommymoes 4. Nordic Track Sissies 3. Gilloolys 2. McButtheads **Gold medal speed skater Dan Jansen presented this final entry live from Norway** 1. Bobbitteers ---> February 21, 1994 <--- ==================================================================== Top Ten Things Overheard At The Taping Of The Jackson Family Special ==================================================================== 10. "How did Tito get the night off from Domino's?" 9. "Once again, please welcome the Jackson Family Lawyers!" 8. "No kidding? He's my plastic surgeon too!" 7. "That's odd...I don't remember a Jackson named 'Nipsey'" 6. "More fudge, Miss Taylor?" 5. "Siegfried-Tito, Tito-Siegfried, Roy-Tito, Tito-Roy..." 4. "Good news, Brooke has agreed to continue pretending she's dating Michael..." 3. "What's La Toya doing with that lead pipe?" 2. "It's great to see Michael grabbing himself again" 1. "Sing something, you weirdo!" ---> February 22, 1994 <--- =========================== Top Ten Olympian Pet Peeves =========================== 10. Having to spend so much time with freakin' foreigners 9. When they run out of medals and just give you a wadded-up piece of Reynolds Wrap 8. There's just not enough coverage of the Tonya/Nancy rivalry 7. You compete, you win the gold, but Monday morning you have to be back at work at the Pizza Hut 6. When Marv Albert follows you around looking for bloopers 5. Falling a few hundredths of a second short on your wedding night 4. When you're in 37th place and some moron is still screaming "Go for the gold!" 3. You marry one of your Olympic teammates and forever after your name is "Picabo Moe" 2. Getting stopped in the middle of a bobsled run by one of those squeegee guys 1. Chapped ass ---> February 23, 1994 <--- ========================================== Top Ten Ways To Make The Olympics More Fun ========================================== 10. Let biathlon competitors shoot at each other 9. Require ski jumpers to scream "Weeeeeeeeee" as they come down 8. Automatic gold if your luge hits a moose 7. Bobsled must have four guys all named Bob 6. New sport: Olympic Ass-Kissing 5. Medal ceremony includes lengthy open-mouth kisses from Dick Button 4. Instead of counting down 3-2-1 Go, count down 3-2-1 Gillooly 3. Everyone's ice dancing partner: Willard Scott 2. Let my mom enter sledding competition (Dave's mom is in Norway covering the Olympics for the Late Show, and they showed a clip of her reindeer sledding) 1. More rock, less Tonya ---> February 24, 1994 <--- ============================= Top Ten Tonya Harding Excuses ============================= 10. Inhaled a sequin 9. Shouldn't have had Grand Slam Breakfast at Lillehammer Denny's 8. Was weighed down by bundles of cash from "Inside Edition" 7. Got scared by Nancy Kerrigan's giant teeth 6. Two words: Rented Skates 5. Got pre-skate talk by Buffalo Bills coach Marv Levy 4. Couldn't compete against Dave and Paul (Last night, Dave and Paul went ice skating during the show) 3. Got mixed up before competition and hit self in knee with lead pipe 2. Partying late night before with Dave's mom (Dave's mom is stationed in Lillehammer as the Olympic correspondent for the Late Show) 1. Couldn't land the Triple Gillooly ---> February 25, 1994 <--- ========================================== Top Ten Signs You're Tired Of The Olympics ========================================== 10. All that's left of your Olympic fever is a dry hacking cough 9. You imagine your hands around the throat of that Coke-drinking polar bear 8. You say, "Oh good, 'Hangin' with Mr. Cooper' is on tonight" 7. Whenever the Olympic theme music ends you find you've put another fork into the back of your hand 6. You're NBC President Warren Littlefield 5. You decide against naming your baby girl Picabo 4. Your name is Bonnie Blair and you've starting using your five gold medals as coasters 3. Actually watched "The Jackson Family Honors" 2. You beg your son to let you return to Indiana (Dave's mom is stationed in Lillehammer as the Olympic correspondent for the Late Show) 1. No longer laugh at the name Gillooly ---> February 28, 1994 <--- ===================================================== Top Ten Signs Your CIA Colleague May Be A Russian Spy ===================================================== 10. Knows hundreds of recipes for turnips 9. Took sick day to tape "Maury Povich Show" when topic was 'I married a Russian Spy' 8. Drinks Russian dressing like it's soda pop 7. At annual CIA/KGB softball game, always seems to make error that loses game for CIA 6. Keeps frozen corpse of Lenin displayed on desk 5. Takes a lot of "souvenir photos" of classified documents 4. When Bruce Springsteen comes on the radio, he says, "Comrade Boss is good, no?" 3. Always bragging about the time he nailed Mrs. Yeltsin 2. Wears one of them big-ass fuzzy hats 1. Everywhere you look: Borscht! ---> March 1, 1994 <--- ======================================= Top Ten Things Overheard At The Grammys ======================================= 10. "Flea, Sting. Sting, Flea" 9. "Yes, I was in Milli Vanilli. Now can I please show you to your seat?" 8. "If I sign up a hundred people to do a duet with Sinatra, I win a mini-bike" 7. "Call 9-1-1 -- oh, nevermind, Keith Richards always looks like that" 6. "I believe Cher's new lips are still covered under warranty" 5. "...And now the border collies will herd Aerosmith into a cab" (Dave had a sheep-herder and his dogs on the show. The dogs moved five sheep from the lobby of the theater into a waiting cab.) 4. "Ice Cube, Meat Loaf. Meat Loaf, Ice Cube" 3. "I didn't know Letterman played the fiddle" (Here they showed the now famous clip of a guy that looks like Dave playing the violin and singing "Camptown Races") 2. "Sorry Madonna -- no shirt, no shoes, no service" 1. "Peabo, Picabo. Picabo, Peabo" ---> March 2, 1994 <--- ====================== Top Ten Singable Names ====================== **To assist in the presentation of this Top Ten List, Dave had the "Late Show Backup Singers" sing each name** 10. Vladimir Zhirinovsky 9. Shaquille O'Neal 8. George Stephanopoulos 7. Abe Vigoda 6. Picabo Street 5. Efrem Zimbalist, Jr. 4. Morley Safer 3. Newt Gingrich 2. Jeff Gillooly **And, singing the number one entry, Tony Bennet** 1. Boutros Boutros-Ghali ---> March 3, 1994 <--- =================================================== Top Ten Nancy Kerrigan Complaints About Disneyworld =================================================== 10. Saw enough damn foreigners at the Olympics 9. Mickey beat her out for "Employee of the Month" by one tenth of a point 8. Had to share a bathroom with the Country Bears 7. Incompetent security allowed Jack Nicholson to attack her float with a 9-iron 6. Pressure to star with Tonya Harding in remake of "Lady and the Tramp" 5. It's the most corniest place she's ever been to 4. She has to stand there and smile while kids whack her in the knees with plastic toy pipes 3. Scary Space Mountain ride makes her giant teeth chatter 2. "Goofy" sounds too much like "Gillooly" 1. Donald Duck all hands ---> March 4, 1994 <--- ==================================== Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is A Spy ==================================== 10. Begins every conversation by saying, "Hey, you know any secrets?" 9. Bumper sticker on car fender reads: "I'd rather be spyin'" 8. After one too many drinks, asks "Want to see your FBI file?" 7. Every Halloween, gives your kids plutonium 6. He's been driving around for the last 6 months with the body of Lenin in the trunk of his Buick 5. You tell him you work for the government and the next thing you know you wake up nude in Switzerland 4. You catch him going through your garbage in a raccoon suit 3. You mention you're having problems in the bedroom, and he says, "Yeah, I know" 2. You spot Yeltsin doing cannonballs in his pool 1. He tries to plant a bug in your pants ---> December 15, 1993 <--- ===================================================== Top Ten Reasons Donald Trump Will Make A Good Husband ===================================================== 10. Carries MasterCard, Visa, and American Express 9. Tests show kids raised in casinos tend to be caring, responsible adults 8. Is it just me, or is he the most huggable thing this side of JFK Jr.? 7. He's a refined gentleman who keeps his personal life out of the press 6. Weasels mate for life 5. In 1987, paid Billy Dee Williams $10 million to teach him everything there is to know about kissing 4. The "Trump Shuttle", if you know what I mean 3. The pre-nuptial agreement is written in very romantic language 2. His bimbo girlfriends can double as babysitters 1. His pasty white thighs (During the opening monologue, Dave made a joke about Bill Clinton and his "pasty white thighs," and Paul created a song and sang it throughout the show.) ---> November 11, 1993 <--- ============================================= Top Ten Disturbing Examples Of Violence On TV ============================================= 10. The constant slapfights between Dan and Connie 9. The day an obviously drunk Jacques Cousteau beat up a manatee 8. Bob Barker's quickie neuterings at the end of "The Price is Right" 7. In special episode of "Family Matters", everyone gets stranded on an island and Urkel is killed for meat 6. Unknowing guest gets between Oprah and the buffet 5. Disgruntled postal worker week on "Jeopardy" 4. In "Madonna Live Down Under", back up singer is impaled on a cone bra 3. Malfunctioning Thighmaster beheads Suzanne Somers 2. Richard Simmons tries to hug a fat guy who knocks him unconscious with a 2 x 4 1. Kathie Lee kicks Regis in the ass ---> November 24, 1993 <--- ====================================== Senator Packwood's Top Ten Dating Tips ====================================== 10. Use the word "alleged" a lot 9. Two words: transparent pants 8. Practice before date by groping a sack of potatoes 7. Gerrymander her constituency (if you know what I mean) 6. Surefire holiday gag: Offer her a "Christmas Goose" *At this point, the Top Ten List display on the screen goes haywire, and Hal tells Dave to just continue reading the list, without the onscreen text* 5. Always wear thick rubber gloves when fondling radioactive material *Now, Hal puts up the blank Top Ten background, without any text* 4. Great opening line: "How would you like to be in my diary?" *Dave tells Hal to just fade to black, and they'll pretend they're on radio, and Hal does just that* 3. Pretend to get phone call, tell her it's the President, and he says it's vitally important that I put my hand on your thigh 2. Always make Lorena Bobbitt walk through metal detector 1. Chicks dig senators **BTW: This entire screw-up was entirely unintentional** Addendum for the second time around! I caught this when it was rerun, and this is what actually appeared on the screen when the top ten display went nuts: MAKING THE TOP 10 LIST 1. BUILD 2 PG TOP 10 LIST FIRST SHELL AT 150/151 Record them at 225 & 226 (1 pg)125 (3 pgs) 325 When building make sure the cursor does not hit the bottom safe title border or your last line of text will not reveal 2. SE And that's when it cut back to Dave. ---> November 16, 1993 <--- =========================================================== Top Ten Reasons Puerto Rico Does Not Want To Become A State =========================================================== 10. Pennsylvania's already "The Keystone State", and if you can't be "The Keystone State", what's the point? 9. Too disruptive to be towed by tug boat and welded on to Texas 8. Don't want to have to pay Clinton's Pina Colada tax 7. U.S. Teams keep getting ass kicked by Canadian teams in World Series 6. As a state it would attract more visits from Ross Perot 5. Alaska became a state, and look what happened -- it's freezing there! 4. To avoid spoiling U.S. flag, they'd have to share a star with New Jersey 3. That "Ready to Rumble" guy is just too annoying 2. Might have to sit next to Packwood in the Senate 1. Two words: Lorena Bobbitt ---> September 29, 1993 <--- ================================================ Top Ten Questions Congress Asked Hillary Clinton ================================================ 10. "Sometimes I really get itchy -- is that covered?" 9. "Did Bubba buy you that purty ring?" 8. "How come you skirts always messin' with dudes minds?" 7. "Remember me? I played Gopher on 'The Love Boat'." 6. "Wait a minute -- so this has nothing to do with Clarence Thomas?" 5. "Will Burt's insurance still cover Loni?" 4. "Does this look infected?" 3. "I bet you're glad you didn't marry Dukakis, huh?" 2. "If he jogs every day, why's he so fat?" 1. "Have you chosen a running mate for '96?" ---> March 14, 1994 <--- ====================================== Top Ten Other Hillary Clinton Mistakes ====================================== 10. Beating Sam Donaldson to the ground with a nine iron 9. Bought Bill these gag super short jogging shorts & now he actually wears the things! 8. Cutting off Sinatra's Grammy speech 7. Not buying deodorized litter for Socks 6. Not buying deodorized litter for Roger 5. Her lingering TV kiss with Roseanne 4. The time she got too near Bill at feed time and lost a finger 3. Introducing fiance Bill to her sexy roommate Gennifer 2. Inviting Ted Kennedy to White House for open bar 1. Not making Bill take her last name ---> March 15, 1994 <--- =========================================== Top Ten Signs You've Hired A Bad Accountant =========================================== 10. Asks you how many monies you made this year 9. The calculator he's been adding numbers on is actually a TV remote control 8. What he calls "tax forms", most people call "paper hats" 7. Accompanies you to your audit wearing a bunny suit 6. Takes you aside and whispers, "Between you, me, and the lamppost -- a nine's more or less the same thing as a six, right?" 5. When filling out your form, asks, "What color crayon should I use?" 4. You recognize him as the guy who played 'Horshack' on "Welcome Back, Kotter" 3. Repeatedly grabs himself and says, "Deduct this, am I right?!" 2. Tells you that strangers living in your house can be declared as dependents 1. His only other client: Willie Nelson ---> March 16, 1994 <--- ======================================== Top Ten Signs You've Had Too Much Coffee ======================================== 10. When you call radio talkshows, they ask you to turn yourself down 9. You're passing everybody on the freeway when suddenly you realize -- you're not in a car 8. You run around your company board room yelling, "I've got a great idea! A Disneyworld in France! We'll call it EuroDisney!" 7. You can't stop saying, "No" (Earlier in the show, Dave showed a clip of President Clinton pounding his fist on a podium, shouting the word "no" over and over again) 6. Last time you got good night's sleep, Madonna was a virgin 5. You're shaking like a Mexican space shuttle 4. You jam a fork into the waiter's hand when he tries to switch your regular coffee with Folger's Crystals 3. You go nuts over a little thing like a car alarm (A car alarm was going off outside the theater earlier, and Dave went out to the Hello Deli next door and got pea soup to pour on the engine) 2. Like our stage manager Biff Henderson, it starts to spray out of your ears (Self-explanatory...) 1. You're up to four heart attacks a day Because of "March Madness," Dave was in reruns on Thursday and Friday night. This will also be the case for next Thursday and Friday. Here are the lists! ---> December 13, 1993 <--- ======================================== Top Ten White House Christmas Traditions ======================================== 10. String lights on Al Gore 9. Pentagon scientists bring over a few of their genetically engineered elves 8. Official reception for all new Clinton brothers discovered during past year 7. Send Christmas card with photograph of family having great time in White House to George and Barbara Bush 6. Special hillbilly Santa with stringy beard and sack full of possum 5. Instead of burning a Yule log they set fire to bundles of tax dollars collected from hard-working Americans like you & me 4. Marine choir sings "Silent Night" while Senator Kennedy chugs bowl of egg nog 3. One lucky elf gets to spend the night with Hillary 2. "Santa" Packwood begs staff secretaries to sit on his lap 1. Two words: Tipper Nog ---> December 1, 1993 <--- ===================================== Top Ten Signs The Theater Is Too Cold ===================================== 10. We're using flannel cue cards 9. Tonight's other guests have broken Sam Donaldson into pieces for kindling 8. Audience hardly laughing at top ten list 7. Madonna always performs on show fully clothed 6. Ed Sullivan looks fine even when we take him out of the cryogenic chamber for a couple hours 5. The rats are sluggish 4. My hairpiece becomes brittle and shatters when I laugh 3. After show I have to defrost my pants 2. Senator Packwood keeps his hands in his pockets 1. Davesicles Everything seems to be back to normal. Ignore any duplicate messages you might have received. There's nothing wrong with your account or your subscription. These are the lists for Monday and Tuesday. Enjoy! ---> March 21, 1994 <--- ============================================== Top Ten Things Overheard At The Academy Awards ============================================== 10. "Check it out -- Siskel's sitting on Ebert's lap" 9. "And the winner is -- Owww! Paper cut!" 8. "I can't believe it! That's 9 Oscars for 'Sister Act 2'!" 7. "Heads up! Jack Nicholson's got a nine iron!" 6. "And now, ladies and gentleman [sic], what you've all been waiting for -- that weird old coot who does the one-armed push-ups!" 5. "Ace Ventura Pet Detective, Ernest. Ernest, Ace Ventura Pet Detective" 4. "Will that be snubbing or non-snubbing, Miss Streisand?" 3. "Is that another aftershock or did Marlon Brando just walk in?" 2. "And the Oscar goes to Burt Reynolds for 'Cop and a Half'...Just kidding, Burt! Sit your goofy ass down" 1. "Hey look! Price & Waterhouse are gettin' it on!" ---> March 22, 1994 <--- ======================================= Top Ten Cabbie Nicknames For Passengers ======================================= **Each entry of this list was displayed on the roof of a cab, viewed by an overhead camera as the cab passed the theater** 10. Vinyl Jockeys 9. Curb Monkeys 8. Suckers 7. Hail Marys 6. Americans 5. Casualties 4. Hostages 3. Dipsticks 2. Soap-A-Holics 1. Fare-ies ---> March 23, 1994 <--- ================================== Top Ten Slogans For The Wonder Bra ================================== 10. Breakfast for Your Chest 9. The Quicker Picker-upper 8. The Bra Schwarzkopf Wore in Desert Storm! 7. Up, Up, and Away 6. As Seen on "The Golden Girls!" 5. You'll Never Need an Airbag Again! 4. Say Goodbye to Masking Tape and Staples 3. Does More Lifting and Separating Before 8 A.M. Than Most Bras Do All Day 2. Looks Great, More Filling 1. Leave it to Cleavage! ---> March 28, 1994 <--- ================================================== Top Ten Signs You're In Love With Barbra Streisand ================================================== 10. You see all of history as being divided into two main periods: Pre-Yentil and Post-Yentil 9. You refuse to buy People magazine because you think they ripped off the title from her song 8. You're in federal prison for gluing a giant wig and fake nose onto the head of the Lincoln Memorial 7. You come to after a huge natural gas explosion and say, "Forget about me, how's Barbra Streisand?" 6. By dating her you risk destroying your marriage and your presidency 5. You spend hours in bookstores crossing "Einstein" out of science books and writing in "Streisand" 4. Two words: restraining order 3. The "Funny Lady" tattoo on your ass 2. You write her long rambling letters about your new CBS talk show 1. You are Barbra Streisand ---> September 27, 1993 <--- ==================================================== Top Ten Signs You've Come To The Show On A Bad Night ==================================================== 10. Rats in theater scrappier than usual 9. Everyone in your row is wearing handcuffs and a Riker's Island jumpsuit 8. I just sit in my chair & rock back & forth without uttering a word 7. First half hour: I get a throat culture. Second half hour: wait for results 6. Instead of real comedy, we take the standby audience to "Miss Saigon" (Because it was rainy in New York, and the standby ticket holders have to wait outside, Dave gave tickets to 50 of the standbys to see Miss Saigon. Dave and the 50 people ran across the street and he handed them out at the door.) 5. Gallagher's a guest and he forgot his watermelons 4. You're forced to view more home videos of me on the fourth of July after I gained a ton of weight (A clip (previously shown on one of the first CBS shows) is shown of a "fat" Dave putting a flag up on his porch) 3. By first commercial I'm winky on bourbon 2. Ghost of Ed Sullivan appears before you and says "This one is gonna really, really blow" 1. Kathie Lee's out of stories about Cody ---> January 5, 1994 <--- ============================================================== Top Ten Words That Sound Great When Spoken By James Earl Jones ============================================================== **As read by James Earl Jones himself!** 10. Mellifluous 9. Verisimiltude 8. Guppy 7. Stolichnaya 6. Boutros-Boutros Ghali 5. Neo-Synephrine 4. Pinhead 3. Mujibar and Sirajul 2. Heebie-Jeebies 1. Oprah ---> March 29, 1994 <--- ===================================================== Top Ten Thoughts On The Mind Of Roger Clinton's Bride ===================================================== 10. Maybe now's a good time to ask Roger exactly what he does for a living 9. Oh no, I put Stephanopolous at the children's table! 8. I can't believe that idiot brother of his wore running shorts to the wedding 7. How much longer can I pretend I enjoy Roger's singing? 6. It could be worse. I could be marrying an untalented loser whose brother isn't the President 5. I have made the greatest sacrifice a KGB agent can make 4. Hey, leave some of them little cocktail weenies for the rest of us, Mr. President! 3. A Mr. Coffee from Lloyd Bentsen...that cheap bastard! 2. That was nice of Bill to give us our own little plot of land up there in -- what did he call it -- Whitewater? 1. At least I didn't marry into the Jackson family ---> March 30, 1994 <--- ======================================== Top Ten Hillary Clinton's Financial Tips ======================================== 10. Don't buy furniture -- borrow it from the Smithsonian 9. Raise everybody's taxes -- and start grabbin' with both hands, Chester! 8. Whatever you do, don't buy land in Arkansas 7. Three words: Extra Value Meal 6. Aim scud at Perot. Take a billion 5. Buy low. Sell for $100,000 4. Instead of an expensive name brand stuffing, load your husband up on sawdust 3. For a quick couple bucks, lease out Socks to a medical testing lab 2. For a quick couple bucks, lease out Roger to a medical testing lab 1. Scalp Streisand tickets Before the list, a request. Last week, a person wrote me from PC Week. I need to speak with you as soon as possible. It is IMPERATIVE that I speak to you before you write the article. Please, please, please write back. Thank you! Now, the list. ---> March 30, 1994 <--- ======================================== Top Ten Hillary Clinton's Financial Tips ======================================== 10. Don't buy furniture -- borrow it from the Smithsonian 9. Raise everybody's taxes -- and start grabbin' with both hands, Chester! 8. Whatever you do, don't buy land in Arkansas 7. Three words: Extra Value Meal 6. Aim scud at Perot. Take a billion 5. Buy low. Sell for $100,000 4. Instead of an expensive name brand stuffing, load your husband up on sawdust 3. For a quick couple bucks, lease out Socks to a medical testing lab 2. For a quick couple bucks, lease out Roger to a medical testing lab 1. Scalp Streisand tickets ---> March 31, 1994 <--- ===================================== Top Ten Signs It's Spring In New York ===================================== 10. Street vendors change hot dog water 9. Air is filled with 9mm, "NYC Hummingbirds" 8. Cab drivers yell, "It's a lovely spring day. Now get out of the road you stupid bastard!" 7. Crews begin cleaning up litter in Times Square from New Year's Eve 6. Madonna switches from basketball to baseball players 5. More than usual, people are mating in the streets 4. Al Sharpton switches to a lightweight medallion 3. The coffee in stage manager Biff Henderson's head thaws (A clip is shown of Biff drinking coffee, while some sprays out of his ears) 2. Squirrels in Central Park are no longer storing crack 1. Everywhere you look -- adorable baby rats ---> April 1, 1994 <--- ====================================== Top Ten Signs The Easter Bunny Is Nuts ====================================== 10. Hides all the eggs in his pants 9. "Bite me" shaved into the fur on his back 8. Last Tuesday doctors removed 17 pounds of plastic Easter grass from his stomach 7. Has been caught pelting cars with eggs on the Cross Bronx Expressway 6. Much like President Clinton, can only say "No, no, no, no" (Dave showed a clip of President Clinton pounding his fist on a podium, shouting the word "no" over and over again) 5. Home filled with thousands of old bodybuilding magazines & empty cans of Spaghetti-O's 4. Despite a restraining order, still stalking Mrs. Claus 3. Claims he made $100,000 trading cattle futures without breaking any laws 2. Every time he hops he falls on his ass 1. Booked Madonna on his talk show (Madonna was a guest on the Late Show on March 30, and she "swore like a sailor" all through the interview) ---> April 4, 1994 <--- ================================= Top Ten Ways The Mets Can Improve ================================= 10. Simple team rule: No hits, no pancakes. 9. Set goals lower and try to make Little League World Series 8. Curry favor with umpire by helping him make huge profit in cattle futures 7. Chewing tobacco with steroids 6. Get rid of Darryl Strawberry 5. Bench entire team, give bat to trained monkey 4. Maximum 2 arrests per season for all players 3. Hire ghost of Ty Cobb to hang around dugout and give out kicks in the ass 2. Throw opposing pitcher off his game by using f-word 13 times (Madonna was a guest on the Late Show on March 30, and she said the f-word 13 times during the interview) 1. Across-the-board 25% reduction in sucking ---> April 5, 1994 <--- ===================================================== Top Ten Ways Charles Kuralt Will Spend His Retirement ===================================================== 10. Move to Seattle, get a band together 9. He's the new super on "Melrose Place" 8. Just wait quietly at home for Kuraltmania to sweep the country 7. Driving around rest home in a golfcart flicking lights "on" and "off" 6. Watering and trimming Andy Rooney's eyebrows 5. 12 hours a day making macaroni and cheese, 12 hours a day eating macaroni and cheese 4. Three words: Rap Video Cameos 3. Start up RV. Sit in driveway. Drink beer. Repeat. 2. Get totally buffed and then kick some ass on "American Gladiators" 1. Cruisin' for babes with Walter Cronkite ---> April 6, 1994 <--- ================================================== Top Ten Surprises In The Clinton's Old Tax Returns ================================================== 10. Socks spent over $1,000 a year in office supplies 9. Lost $500,000 investing in specialty clothing store called "Big Bubba's" 8. In 1978, under "Occupation", wrote "Ambitious Hillbilly" 7. Claimed thighs as dependents 6. From 1978-92, filed a W-2 with Gennifer Flowers 5. Hillary made $100,000 from picking up discarded soda bottles 4. President Clinton reported extra income wrestling under the name, "The Arkansas Fat Boy" 3. Large donations to American French Fry Manufacturers Association (Dave had an animation of Clinton's head and a box of fries spinning around to the music from the film "2001") 2. Took obscure deduction for brother Roger as a "mentally feeble house pet" 1. President Clinton's real name...Susan ---> April 7, 1994 <--- ===================================== Top Ten Ways To Annoy An I.R.S. Agent ===================================== 10. Instead of I.R.S., pronounce it "IRS" 9. Whenever he starts using his calculator, start yelling out a bunch of numbers 8. Tape all your receipts up into a giant ball and then whip it at his head 7. Pour a jar of honey on your W-2, let a bear loose in his office 6. Be Leona Helmsley 5. Tell him "You know who makes a lot of money? That Oprah" 4. Keep saying, "1040, good buddy!" 3. Whenever he disallows a deduction, say "Oh, Mr. Gotti isn't going to like that..." 2. List his wife under "Entertainment Expenses" 1. Keep yelling "Hey, audit this!" ---> April 8, 1994 <--- ========================================================== Top Ten Good Things About Having Madonna On Your Talk Show ========================================================== **Madonna was a guest on the Late Show on March 30, and she "swore like a sailor" all through the interview.** 10. The host can sit back, relax and let the censors do all the work 9. It's just a pleasure to match wits with a genuine conversationalist of the old school 8. In just 15 minutes, makes it feel like you've done a whole week of shows 7. She'll frighten any remaining rats out of your theater 6. 13 in a row, commercial-free obscenities! (Madonna said the f-word 13 times during the interview) 5. For the first time, you truly understand why Sean Penn went nuts 4. Two words: Free Underpants! (As Madonna walked on stage, she gave Dave a pair of her underpants) 3. Even the ghost of Ed Sullivan gets some action 2. You get to spend more time with her than if you were just having sex 1. It makes your mom proud ---> November 17, 1993 <--- ============================== Top Ten Lorena Bobbitt Excuses ============================== 10. Hoped it would somehow help NAFTA get passed 9. Too much caffeine 8. What can I say? I love a good joke 7. That's what he gets for hoggin' the remote control 6. Took Bob Barker's constant "spaying and neutering" reminders to their logical conclusion 5. I was trying to cut the price tag off his new pajamas and he sneezed 4. Good practice for carving Thanksgiving turkey 3. Fell asleep whittling in bed 2. Was tired of playing "got your nose" 1. Ginsumania! ---> November 10, 1993 <--- =========================================== Top Ten Signs Ross Perot Is Losing His Mind =========================================== 10. Hired private detective to have himself followed 9. Kept offering Larry King a chance to go through his pockets 8. All he wants to do is get home and feed the chickens 7. Since June, has had four hysterical pregnancies 6. Started debate by rubbing Mexican flag between his legs 5. His ears still flap, but no longer in unison 4. Showed up for debate without Stockdale 3. Now up to five haircuts a day 2. Wants to be called Ross "Dice" Perot 1. Announced his engagement to Whoopi ---> November 3, 1993 <--- ====================================================== Top Ten Good Things About Being Mayor of New York City ====================================================== 10. Get pot hole named after you 9. Mayor's table at Blimpie's 8. Every single day: Your weight in quarters from the Lincoln toll booth 7. The city is sparkling clean and free of crime, so it's not a very hard job 6. Any trouble, you just call Batman 5. It's the second most powerful position in N.Y., right behind the head of the Gambino family 4. Only one allowed to spit off top of Empire State Building 3. Full control of secret nuclear arsenal aimed at New Jersey 2. Every Tuesday: Hoagies with Sharpton 1. Chicks dig mayors ---> September 20, 1993 <--- ====================================== Top Ten Reasons To Watch CBS This Fall ====================================== 10. We've stopped using the deadly gamma rays 9. Programming designed to make your children dull and listless 8. The shows are funny if you drink enough hard cider 7. If you play with the vertical hold, you can make Andy Rooney jump like a monkey 6. This year, on a special "60 minutes", Morley Safer loses his virginity 5. We're Kuralt-a-rific! 4. We've got a really cool CBS maintenance man who can turn his feet all the way around (Here, the CBS maintenance man turned his feet around and walked) 3. This year, Angela Lansbury starts murdering people herself 2. If you don't watch, we'll send Mike Wallace to investigate your ass 1. It'll help Connie and Maury have a baby! ---> November 19, 1993 <--- ===================================== Top Ten Signs Al Gore Is Loosening Up ===================================== 10. Blinks like it's going out of style 9. Appeared on "Larry King Live" without pants 8. During NAFTA debate with Perot, kept saying, "Chill out, rich dude" 7. Shaved head to be back-up singer in Madonna's Girlie Show 6. Tipper's exhausted (if you know what I mean) 5. He's been hangin' with Meat Loaf (Meat Loaf was a guest on this show) 4. Instead of commuting by limo, straps on his rollerblades and grabs onto buses 3. Goes on talk shows and says this: (Here, they showed a brief clip of Al Gore's appearance on the Late Show saying "Buttafuoco") 2. No longer personally offended by Packwood's passes 1. Loosens tie during sex ---> April 18, 1994 <--- ========================================== Top Ten Excuses For Filing Your Taxes Late ========================================== 10. Thought late fees would make a nice deduction 9. H Block finished on time, but R Block was a little slow 8. Finished entire Pepperidge Farm chocolate layer cake. Got sleepy. 7. Think about it: The longer you make the I.R.S. wait for your returns, the more excited they'll be when they finally get 'em! 6. Was busy playing ping pong with Carol Channing (A clip was shown of Dave playing ping pong with Carol Channing) 5. Still waiting to hear from Ed McMahon about that million dollar thing 4. Got nasty papercut from 1040 form, passed out for three days from blood loss 3. Math is real hard, dude 2. I was working around-the-clock to try and keep Tom and Roseanne together 1. My friend Leona said I didn't have to ---> April 19, 1994 <--- ================================================== Top Ten Reasons Why Tom And Roseanne Are Divorcing ================================================== 10. Both no longer fit in one house 9. Tom tired of her coattails, he wants to try new coattails 8. Ran out of body space for new tattoos 7. Tom actually getting better ratings on TV than in bed 6. She's nuts, he's nuts -- it was inevitable! 5. Tom felt it was time to prove he could fail on his own 4. Tom kept leaving the cap off the giant tube of cake icing 3. Tom's friend Letterman keeps busting up their furniture with a chainsaw (A clip was shown of Dave cutting through a table with a chainsaw) 2. Never recovered from horror of seeing each other naked 1. Who cares? ---> April 20, 1994 <--- ============================================================= Top Ten Questions President Clinton Was Asked By Teens On MTV ============================================================= 10. "Will your health-care plan cover a wicked hangover?" 9. "Can you make a law that they have to play more U2 videos?" 8. "Where's the sax, Tubby?" 7. "How do you keep your thighs so pasty white?" 6. "Does Gennifer Flowers wear boxers or briefs?" 5. "Is it true you wanted to remove your pants and call this Clinton Unplugged?" 4. "Hey, like, what's with that Gore dude?" 3. "This 'United States' you keep mentioning -- is that like a band or something?" 2. "Wow -- how'd you get your ass into those shorts?" 1. "Where's Beavis, Butt-head?" ---> April 21, 1994 <--- ================================================ Top Ten President Clinton's Recurring Nightmares ================================================ 10. It's a gigantic town hall meeting, and everyone is Sam Donaldson 9. For some reason, everyone starts calling him "Mr. Dukakis" 8. Drifting in a lifeboat with Richard Simmons 7. People find out about that old Whitewater deal 6. During press conference, can't stop saying "no" (Dave showed a clip of President Clinton pounding his fist on a podium, shouting the word "no" over and over again) 5. Something to do with Gore in a sundress and pumps 4. He's in an operating room, the surgeon is Socks, and he's still steamed about being neutered 3. Some dweeb with a lame talk show will keep making fun of his love of french fries (A new clip was shown of a robotic President Clinton walking over to a box of McDonald's french fries, and blowing them apart with lasers shooting from his eyes. The two then spun around to the music from the film "2001") 2. Can't get Streisand tickets 1. Can't get Streisand ---> April 22, 1994 <--- ========================================================== Top Ten Reasons Tom And Roseanne Are Getting Back Together ========================================================== 10. Tom made a really delicious sandwich 9. To show off their new "Hey, we reconciled!" tattoos 8. According to pre-nuptial agreement, divorce would have meant caning in Singapore 7. Well, it's not for more publicity, that's for sure. You can bet the house on that, Jim! 6. She loves how before coming to bed he kicks his underwear onto his head (Earlier in the show, Dave showed his video collection, and one video was called "What Women Really Want." A clip was shown of a guy talking about how he took his underwear off in front of his girlfriend, by flipping it off his foot, and catching it on his head) 5. Every time one of them tried to storm out, they got wedged in the door frame 4. She's the cheese, he's the eggs, together they're a love omelette 3. A heartfelt plea from Boutros Boutros-Ghali 2. A heartfelt plea from Pizza Hut, Inc. 1. Gravity ---> April 25, 1994 <--- ================================= Top Ten Singapore Tourist Slogans ================================= 10. You'll never sit down again! 9. Singapore -- spanking clean! 8. Screw with us and we'll beat the crap out of you! 7. Singapore -- it's canerific! 6. Yeeeeee-ouuuuuuch! 5. We'll spray-paint any car for $99.95! 4. Give us a week and we'll take off the flesh! 3. Drop your pants, round-eyes! 2. You can bet your ass you'll have fun! 1. Bend over! ---> April 26, 1994 <--- ================================= Top Ten Easiest Jobs In The World ================================= 10. Fan mail coordinator for Jermaine Jackson 9. Organizer of World Series Victory Parades, City of Cleveland 8. Academy Award acceptance speech writer for that "Hey, Vern" guy 7. CBS talk-show weenie 6. Whatever the hell Morty does (Robert "Morty" Morton, producer of the Late Show) 5. Mike Tyson's travel agent 4. Ointment salesman in Singapore 3. Selling french fries to President Clinton (A clip was shown of a robotic President Clinton walking over to a box of McDonald's french fries, and blowing them apart with lasers shooting from his eyes. The two then spun around to the music from the film "2001") 2. Executive in charge of arranging Madonna's future "Late Show" appearances 1. Loving Oprah .