Murphy's Laws.
1. If anything can go wrong it will
2. Nothing is ever as simple as it seems
3. Everything takes longer than you expect
4. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
will do the most damage will go wrong first.
5. Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse.
6. If you play with something long enough, you will surely break it.
7. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
8. If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go
wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will
promptly develop.
9. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
10. Mother Nature is a bitch.
11. It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so
ingenious.
12. If a great deal of time has been expended seeking the answer to a problem
with the only result being failure, the answer will be immediately
obvious to the first unqualified person.
13. If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
-- Farnsdick's corollary
Murphy was an optimist.
-- O'Toole's Commentary
MURHPY'S LAWS OF COMBAT
1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire.
( For this reason aircraft carriers have been called "Bomb Magnets")
4. There is always a way.
5. The easy way is always mined.
6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
( Trivia devotees will recall the sudden disappearance of rank and
distinctive caps on the uniforms worn by Soviet officers in
Afghanistan)
7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
a. when you're ready for them.
b. when you're not ready for them.
9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
10. If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.
11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to
get out.
( This seems to be the guiding design principle behind the Soviet's
BMP and our Bradley infantry vehicle, both of which nicely package the
troops in armored boxes for group destruction)
17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
18. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.
19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
21. Friendly fire isn't.
22. If the sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
23. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never
stay awake when you can sleep.
24. The most dangerous thing in the world is a second lieutenant with a map
and a compass.
25. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
26. A grenade with a seven second fuse will always burn down in four seconds.
27. Remember, a retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
28. If at first you don't succeed call in an air-strike.
29. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
30. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the
colonel's HQ.
31. The enemy never takes notice until you make a mistake.
32. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
33. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
34. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low
on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
35. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to
be repaired.
36. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
37. Interchangeable parts aren't.
38. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
39. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove ANYTHING.
40. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
41. The one item you need is always in short supply.
42. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
43. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the
weapon's operator.
44. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
45. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most
important ones are always illegible.
46. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
47. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what
they want, but they know for certain what they DON'T want.
48. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal
information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
49. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
50. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that
billet is filled by someone else.
51. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to
attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack
that night.
52. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the
Medal Of Honor.
53. A Purple Heart just goes to prove that were you smart enough to think
of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and luck enough to survive.
54. Murphy was a grunt.
55. You aren't Superman. (Freshly graduated recruits from Marine boot camp,
and all fighter pilots, especially, take note)
56. Suppressive fires - won't.
57. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
58. When in doubt empty the magazine.
59. No plan survives the first contact intact.
60. If you are forward of your position, the artillery will fall short.
61. The important things are always simple.
62. The simple things are always hard.
63. No-combat ready group has passed inspection.
Note: No marine unit has ever failed a combat readiness inspection,
which suggests peacetime inspections are readiness as mess hall food
is cuisine)
64. Beer Math -] 2 beers time 37 men equals 49 cases.
65. Body count math -] 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37
enemies killed in action.
66. Things that must be together to work, usually can't be shipped together.
67. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately.
(Corollary: Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and
especially during both)
68. Tracers work both ways.
69. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming
friendly fire.
70. If you take more than your share of objectives, you will have more
than your fair share to take.
71. When both sides are convinced they are about to lose, they're both right.
72. The enemy never monitors your radio traffic until you broadcast on an
unsecure channel.
73. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades
always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
74. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
75. Never tell the platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
76. The seriousness of a wound is inversely proportional to the distance to
the nearest form of cover.
77. Walking point = sniper bait.
78. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching
that day.
79. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually
a stupid solution.
80. Recoiless weapons aren't.
81. Suppressive fire works on everything but the enemy.
82. All or any of the above combined
Robyn's first law of computers:
When putting something into memory, remember where the fuck you put it!!!
Cooke's Law
In any decision situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.
Law of the Perversity of Nature
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
Ross's Law
Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upwards from the floor-especially in the dark.
Simmons's Law
The desire for racial integration increases with the square of the distance from the actual event.
Acheson's Rule of the Bureaucracy
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.
Avery's Rule of Three
Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the next job after a series of three is not the fourth job - it's the start of a brand new series of three.
Calkin's Law of Menu Language
The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the dish.
Canada Bill Jones's Motto
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
Canada Bill Jones's Supplement
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
The 10 Commandments of the Frisbee
1. The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to get
under a car
2. The higher the quality of the catch the greater the probability of a
crummy rethrow (Good catch-bad throw).
3. One must never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than,
"Watch This!".
4. The higher the costs of hitting any object the greater the certainty it
will be struck.
5. The best catches are never seen.
6. The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going in the
wrong direction;(Goes the wrong way-goes a long way).
7. The most powerful hex words in the world of sport are- "I really have
this down-watch".(Know it -blow it).
8. In any crowd of spectators at least one will suggest that razor blades
could be attached to the disc.
9. The greater your need to make a good catch the greater the probability
your partner will deliver his worst throw.
10. The single most difficult move with a disc is to put it down. (Just
one more throw).
MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX
--------------------
1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave
her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because
it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of
trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or
how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening
to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same
ones she can't stand years later.
16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17. It is always the wrong time of month.
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't
either.
21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop
failure.
22. The younger the better.
23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused
the trouble in the garden.
25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
26. There is no such thing as an ugly woman. Only too little wine.
27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex.
But there is nothing exactly like it.
29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
30. Love is a hole in the heart.
31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into
our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
33. Do it only with the best.
34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter
words to convey its full meaning.
35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
39. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
42. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he
couldn't.
44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
46. Never say no.
47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
52. Love comes in spurts.
53. The world does not revolve on an axis.
54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are
unimportant.
55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall
in love.
58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
60. "This won't hurt, I promise."
----- Lies about Love: -----
Everyone does this, it's perfectly normal.
It's dangerous to your health to get excited and then stop.
I'll stop as soon as you say. [She's heard this one before, huh?]
I'll tell her(him) tonight.
Well, the clinic said I was clear!
Nobody can hear us. [Yea, that's what you think!]
I'll never put myself through this again
----- Men's Lies: -----
Sex isn't everything.
This has nothing to do with my mother.
It's not your fault.
It's too late.
I read an article today.
I'm allergic to rubber.
We'll try again when we wake up.
It has a mind of it's own.
This has never happened before.
----- Party Lies -----
I'm not gonna drink too much tonight.
They'll all be wearing jeans.
There are no bones in this fish.
The neighbors are very tolerant.
Just half a glass, thanks.
He doesn't normally act like this when he's been drinking.
It's no trouble if you stay the night.
----- Salesman Lies -----
You won't see this anywhere else.
This sort of thing never goes out of fashion.
Bring it back if you don't like it.
This is a never-to-be repeated offer!
Unbelievably low prices.
It's the last one in stock.
You'll have no trouble with it.
----- Drivers Stopped by the Law Lies -----
I was just going the speed limit.
I only had one.
What stop sign?
The light was green when I started through the intersection.
He came from nowhere when I changed lanes.
Officer, I can walk without any assistance.
----- Computer Lies -----
If you have any problems, just call us.
What you see on the screen, you get on paper.
Someone must have erased my program.
They don't make those chips anymore.
If kids use them, so can adults.
Oh yeah, it's compatible with everything.
You won't need any special training.
There's no harm in trying - nothing can go wrong.
The manual explains everything.
----- Political Lies -----
He's a real honest man, believe me.
I fought to keep that bill from passing.
I promise I'll do it right.
Elect me and the country will become better
On a tombstone --- Here lies an honest man and politician.
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
-- Harvard's Law
Never replicate a successful experiment.
-- Fett's Law
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
-- von Braun
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
-- Stewart's Law of Retroaction
It is not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
-- Phil White
There are two rules for success...
1) Never tell everything you know.
-- Roger H. Lincoln
When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.
-- Merkin's Maxim
List of Laws
Anthony's Law of Force:
Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
corner of the workshop.
Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
(1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
(2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
(3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.
Arthur's Laws of Love:
(1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
remind them of someone else.
(2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be
delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of
yourself in person.
Bagdikian's Observation:
Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American
newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion"
on a ukelele.
Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides
by governors.
Barach's Rule:
An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own
physician.
Baruch's Observation:
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
Beifeld's Principle:
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when
he is already in the company of:
(1) a date,
(2) his wife,
(3) a better looking and richer male friend.
Boling's postulate:
If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
vividly manifests their lack of progress.
Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Boob's Law:
You always find something in the last place you look.
Boren's Laws:
(1) When in charge, ponder.
(2) When in trouble, delegate.
(3) When in doubt, mumble.
Bradley's Bromide:
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
committee -- that will do them in.
Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone
Ranger have handled this?"
Brewer's Observation:
No good deed goes unpunished.
Brook's Law:
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Brooke's Law:
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
discovers something which either abolishes the system or
expands it beyond recognition.
Bucy's Law:
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
Cahn's Axiom:
When all else fails, read the instructions.
Captain Penny's Law:
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
Chism's Law of Completion:
The amount of time required to complete a government project
is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
Churchill's Commentary on Man:
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
time he will pick himself up and continue on.
Colvard's Logical Premises:
All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it
won't.
Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
attracted to.
Conway's Law:
In any organization, there will always be one person who knows
what's going on; This person must be fired.
Corollaries:
1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you
really don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
Denniston's Law:
Virtue is its own punishment.
DeVries's Dilemma:
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
hits the paper.
Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in
front of your eyes.
Ducharm's Axiom:
If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
yourself as part of the problem.
Ducharme's Precept:
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
Emerson's Law of Contrariness:
Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what
we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget
where you live.
Fifth Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
there is nothing important to do.
Finagle's Creed:
Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
Finagle's First Law:
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Finagle's Second Law:
No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
someone eager to
(a) misinterpret it,
(b) fake it, or
(c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
Finagle's Third Law:
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
beyond all need of checking, is the mistake
Finagle's Fourth Law:
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
makes it worse.
Finster's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
First Law of Bicycling:
No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the
wind.
First Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
imposed the deadline).
First Law of Socio-Genetics:
Celibacy is not hereditary.
First Rule of History:
History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each
other.
Flon's Law:
There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
Flugg's Law:
When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the
world is composed of vinyl, Naugahyde and aluminum.
Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
Corollary:
Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
except study for that instructor's course.
Fourth Law of Revision:
It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for
you.
Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
Theorem. To wit:
1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can
quit the game.
Fresco's Discovery:
If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
1. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong
direction.
2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
3. The energy required to change either one of these states
will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
much as to make the task totally impossible.
Ginsberg's Theorem:
1. You can't win.
2. You can't break even.
3. You can't even quit the game.
Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
some useful work done.
Glyme's Formula for Success:
The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that,
you've got it made.
Gold's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly
Goldenstern's Rules:
1. Always hire a rich attorney
2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
Gordian Maxim:
If a string has one end, it has another.
Grabel's Law:
2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
Grandpa Charnock's Law:
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Gray's Law of Programming:
`n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the
same time as `n' tasks.
Green's Law of Debate:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking
about.
Greener's Law:
Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
Grelb's Reminder:
Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
average drivers.
H. L. Mencken's Law:
Those who can -- do. Those who can't -- teach.
Martin's Extension:
Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
Hacker's Law:
The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
Hall's Laws of Politics:
(1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
(2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something
fixed.
(3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
military spending, and conservatives social spending in
their own districts).
Hanlon's Razor:
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained
by stupidity.
Hanson's Treatment of Time:
There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many
days before Saturday.
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment
ruined.
Harrison's Postulate:
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Hartley's First Law:
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
on his back, you've got something.
Hartley's Second Law:
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Heller's Law:
The first myth of management is that it exists.
Hlade's Law:
If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they
will find an easier way to do it.
Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to
get out.
Hofstadter's Law:
It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
Hofstadter's Law into account.
Horngren's Observation:
Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
Howe's Law:
Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to
..... to ........ uh ..............
Jacquin's Postulate:
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
legislature is in session.
Johnson's Corollary:
Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
organization.
Kramer's Law:
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the
track.
Lieberman's Law:
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, cuz nobody listens.
Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
`n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `n' trivial tasks.
Lynch's Law:
When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Mason's First Law of Synergism:
The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a
glut.
Meade's Maxim:
Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like
everyone else.
Muir's Law:
When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched
to everything else in the universe.
Naeser's Law:
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
damnfoolproof.
O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:
Cleanliness is next to impossible
Oliver's Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
Putt's Law:
Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who
understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what
they do not understand.
Ralph's Observation:
It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realize that you
are in a hurry.
Corollary:
On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first
strike your toes.
Sausage Principle:
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch
either one being made.
FIRST LAW OF ADVICE:
The correct advice to give is the advice that is desired.
FIRST LAW OF COMMUNICATION:
The purpose of the communication is to advance the communicator.
SECOND LAW OF COMMUNICATION:
The information conveyed is less important than the impression.
FIRST LAW OF INNOVATION MANAGEMENT:
Change is the status quo.
SECOND LAW OF INNOVATION MANAGEMENT:
Management by objectives is no better than the objectives.
THIRD LAW OF INNOVATION MANAGEMENT:
A manager cannot tell if he is leading an innovative mob or being chased by
it.
SECOND LAW OF DECISION MAKING:
Any decision is better than no decision.
THIRD LAW OF DECISION MAKING:
A decision is judged by the conviction with which it is uttered.
THIRD LAW OF SURVIVAL:
To protect your position, fire the fastest rising employees first.
FIFTH LAW OF DECISION MAKING:
Decisions are justified by the benefits to the organization,
but they are MADE by considering the benefits to the
decision-makers.
PARALLELS TO MURPHY'S LAW:
Anyone else who can be blamed should be blamed.
Anything that can go wrong will go wrong faster with computers.
Whenever a computer can be blamed, it should be blamed.
PUTTS-BROOKS LAW:
Adding manpower to a late technology project only makes it later.
Paul Dickson's THE OFFICIAL RULES, with its sequel THE OFFICIAL
EXPLANATIONS. I quote from "Gilb's Laws of Reliability":
(1) Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
(2) Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
(3) The only difference between a fool and a criminal is that the fool will
attack a system unpredictably and on a broader front.
(4) A system tends to grow in complexity instead of simplicity, until the
resulting unreliability becomes intolerable.
(5) Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to their
inherent unreliability.
(6) The error-detection and -correction capabilities of any system serve as a
key to understanding the types of errors it cannot handle.
(7) Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable
errors, which by definition are finite.
(8) All real programs contain errors until proved otherwise which is impossible.
(9) Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable
cost of errors, or until somebody insists on getting some useful work done.
Augustine's Laws
Norman R. Augustine, president and chief operating officer of Martin Marietta
has written a book (available in paperback) called "Augustine's Laws"in which
he succinctly sums up the pitfalls that confront business managers today.
LAW NUMBER I:
The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
with a silk sow. The same is true of money.
LAW NUMBER II:
If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it
would probably be twice as good as yesterday was.
LAW NUMBER III:
There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.
LAW NUMBER IV:
If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.
LAW NUMBER V:
One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the
output. Increasing the number of participants merely reduces
the average output.
LAW NUMBER VI:
A hungry dog hunts best. A hungrier dog hunts even better.
LAW NUMBER VII:
Decreased business base increases overhead. So does increased
business base.
LAW NUMBER VIII:
The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a
cost-estimator is fifth grade arithmetic.
LAW NUMBER IX:
Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum
extent possible to make trivial ideas
profound...........Q.E.D.
LAW NUMBER X:
Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
People do not win people fights; lawyers do.
LAW NUMBER XI:
If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers
would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to
rotate twenty times as fast, everyone else would get twice as
much done since all the managers would fly off.
LAW NUMBER XII:
It costs a lot to build bad products.
LAW NUMBER XIII:
There are many highly successful businesses in the United
States. There are also many highly paid executives. The
policy is not to intermingle the two.
LAW NUMBER XIV:
After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There
will be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy
100 percent of every airplane's weight.
LAW NUMBER XV:
The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the
cost and two-thirds of the problems.
LAW NUMBER XVI:
In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just
one aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air
Force and Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year,
when it will be made available to the Marines for the extra
day.
LAW NUMBER XVII:
Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs
nothing, and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics;i.e., it
always increases.
LAW NUMBER XVIII:
It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not
uncommon to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten
for each factor of ten degradation accomplished.
LAW NUMBER XIX:
Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase,
there will be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to
fix them.
LAW NUMBER XX:
In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of
funding approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever
change the administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax.
LAW NUMBER XXI:
It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.
LAW NUMBER XXII:
If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying
stock, not selling advice.
LAW NUMBER XXIII:
Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
currently estimated.
LAW NUMBER XXIV:
The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
established project is accelerating it, which is itself the
most costly action known to man.
LAW NUMBER XXV:
A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an
athlete or a new canvas to an artist.
LAW NUMBER XXVI:
If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed
on each other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to
chance.
LAW NUMBER XXVII:
Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of
rank.
LAW NUMBER XXVIII:
It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.
LAW NUMBER XXIX:
Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to
their jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective
results hang on about half a decade.
LAW NUMBER XXX:
By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the
answers, the people doing the work have lost track of the
questions.
LAW NUMBER XXXI:
The optimum committee has no members.
LAW NUMBER XXXII:
Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent
means of turning problems into gold -- your problems into
their gold.
LAW NUMBER XXXIII:
Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.
LAW NUMBER XXXIV:
The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform
work is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all
distributed randomly.
LAW NUMBER XXXV:
The weaker the data available upon which to base one's
conclusion, the greater the precision which should be quoted
in order to give the data authenticity.
LAW NUMBER XXXVI:
The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion
dollar contract is about one millimeter per million dollars.
If all the proposals conforming to this standard were piled on
top of each other at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would
probably be a good idea.
LAW NUMBER XXXVII:
Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you
expect. The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to
expect so much.
LAW NUMBER XXXVIII:
The early bird gets the worm.
The early worm....gets eaten.
LAW NUMBER XXXIX:
Never promise to complete any project within six months of the
end of the year -- in either direction.
LAW NUMBER XL:
Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off.
LAW NUMBER XLI:
The more one produces, the less one gets.
LAW NUMBER XLII:
Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite
testing.
LAW NUMBER XLIII:
Hardware works best when it matters the least.
LAW NUMBER XLIV:
Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a
westerly direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones
to provide the additional hours needed to fix the broken
electronics.
LAW NUMBER XLV:
One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the
unexpected should have been expected.
LAW NUMBER XLVI:
A billion saved is a billion earned.
LAW NUMBER XLVII:
Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The
other third is covered with auditors from headquarters.
LAW NUMBER XLVIII:
The more time you spend talking about what you have been
doing, the less time you have to spend doing what you have
been talking about. Eventually, you spend more and more time
talking about less and less until finally you spend all your
time talking about nothing.
LAW NUMBER XLIX:
Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.
LAW NUMBER L:
The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four
times as long as the official's who created it.
LAW NUMBER LI:
By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be
more government workers than there are workers.
LAW NUMBER LII:
People working in the private sector should try to save money.
There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable
again.
More of Murphy's Laws
* A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* A free agent is anything but.
* As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters
turbulence.
* Exceptions always outnumber rules.
* Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical
methods.
* If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone.
* If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be
unreasonable.
* If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.
* Interchangeable parts won't.
* Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
* Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three
weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
* Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good
price.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in
session.
* No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the wind.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.
* Quality assurance doesn't.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
* The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the
butter.
* The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
* The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.
* The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
* The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.
* The one item you want is never the one on sale.
* The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
* The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your
keys.
* The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't
really know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't
want.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.
* Trust everybody ... then cut the cards.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be
illegible.
* When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two
weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear
overnight.
* When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby,
while all other coins will roll out of sight.
* Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level
of incompetence.
* You never want the one you can afford.
Spell Checked and reformatted by Nathan Mates (nathan@cco.caltech.edu)
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