The Rules of the Universe

  1. NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE.
  2. Nothing is Eternal.
  3. There is always someone bigger and/or better than you are, so don't act like a jerk.
  4. You don't know anything.
  5. There is no try, only do or do not.
  6. Don't spit into the wind.
  7. Never assume.
  8. Always get your hair cut by someone who does a good job.
  9. Computers secretly laugh at you behind your back.
  10. If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, smells like a duck, and looks like a duck, that does not mean that it is a duck.
  11. If you plan on traveling, always bring a towel.
  12. If you are going to tell people the truth, make them laugh. Otherwise, they'll kill you.
  13. Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive.
  14. Don't eat gassy foods on a long trip.
  15. Never buy a car from a man who rides the bus.
  16. Never think about the bloodstains on hotel beds, wherever they might be.
  17. Whenever you take a gamble, make sure there is a way out.
  18. "Because" is a perfectly acceptable answer in many circumstances.
  19. Never cut off the person with bloodstained upholstery and gun rack on the highway.
  20. No, you are not crazy. They are out to get you.

Appendix: The Laws of the Universe

The Appendix to the Rules are a series of runners-up to the Rules themselves, but are not really quite Rules yet themselves. They are more a series of "Laws", and are more used for day to day problems. And, unlike the Rules, they do not always work. But, if they do all of their homework, at eat all their veggies, and go to bed on time, the Laws might eventually grow up to be Rules. If you would like to add a law click on the email link and select New Law Submission as type.

  1. Murphy's Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong, at entirely the worst time.
  2. The Toast Law: If you drop a piece of toast on the floor, it will land butter-side down.
  3. Occam's Razor: The first, and usually most simplest, solution to a problem is the one that is most likely correct.
  4. Umbrella Law: If you forget your umbrella on a cloudy day, you will probably end up getting wet.
  5. The FoolProof Law: If something is considered foolproof, some fool will come along and screw it all up. If something is considered infallible, it will fail.
  6. The ChildProof Law: If something is considered childproof, only a child will be able to easily figure out how to open it. See above.
  7. The ??? Law: If you think up something really useful and intelligent, you will forget it before you have a chance to tell anyone, or write it down.
  8. The Law of Mediocrity: If something has happened once before, it will happen again and again and again. You are not as special as you believe.
  9. The Law of Pulling Things Out of Your Ass: Your best work is the stuff you pull out of your ass for no reason.