Title:
Ryo At The Window 1/3
Author: Kyoko_godaikun
Pairing: Ryo/Unnamed Kanjani 8 member
Genre: Angst/Romance
Summary: Ryo and another Kanjani 8 member are trapped in a small house during
an ice storm.
It
was my vacation. Not a vacation in the usually sense. I didn’t pick an exotic
place to visit with someone I cared for. This year I had decided I wasn’t going
to go anywhere. It was traditional for Johnny’s to take vacations when most
people were working.
I
went to my house at the outskirts of Osaka. It was a small house; it only had a
bedroom, a bathroom, a kitchen and a living room. I was staying in my little
house. I had inherited it from my grandmother. It was a nice get away place. No
fan ever looked for us here. The entire group had keys; they were welcome to
use my house too. I did have one rule, it was just for us. No girl friends, no
non-Kanjani 8 Johnny's members.
Ryo
had suddenly arrived that morning. His eyes looked haunted. He had thrown his
suitcase in the corner of the living room. "I didn't expect anyone to be
here."
"It
is my house," I pointed out.
"Can
I stay?" he asked. "I need some time away from everyone."
"Sure,
I would like the company," I told him.
"I'll
sleep on the couch," He volunteered.
"I
don't mind sharing the bed,"
"I
don't think that would be a good idea." Ryo lit a cigarette and went to
the living room window. He looked out. "It's snowing."
"I
like snow," I told him.
"I
do too," Ryo didn't say anything else just take another puff on his
cigarette.
********************
Later
that morning I found Ryo looking out the window again. He just stared at the
snow coming down. I was beginning to worry about him. He hadn't said very much
at all. Ryo was usually very talkative. Now he was so quiet it was frightening.
"Is
it still snowing?" I asked.
"Yeah,
it is." Ryo sighed.
"Why
don't you go now, before you get snowed in?" I suggested.
"If
I go, I'll have to work. I'm tired of working." Ryo admitted. "The
airport is still open. They'll make me go back to Tokyo."
"You're
right; the agency will make you go back to Tokyo."
"I
just want an excuse not to go to Tokyo for a few days." He sighed. "I
don't usually mind being in two groups. But a break every once in a while would
be nice."
"Why
don't you ask them if you can take a few days off?" I suggested.
"We
both know the agency won't do that." Ryo said as he lit a cigarette.
I
knew the agency as well as Ryo did. They would put him back to work. Ryo rarely
had any breaks. He never complained about his work load. He had understood the
reason he was put in two groups.
Ryo
continued to watch the snow. I wondered what was going on his mind. Was it his
trip to Korea with Jin? I knew he had been written up for it. He had been
allowed to go with Jin as his baby sitter. He was supposed to keep Jin out of
trouble, but Jin had been caught drinking publically again. The agency had come
down hard on Ryo, he had been fined and his pay cut. He was punished instead of
Jin. Everyone knew it wasn't fair, but Jin was Johnny's golden boy, the way
that Ryo had been once.
Ryo
had called me after his meeting with Johnny-sama. The meeting had led to a huge
fight between Ryo and Jin. That was when Ryo's whole personality had changed.
Now weeks later, Ryo still hadn't gone back to what was his usual personality.
"If
we get snowed in, can I stay here with you?" Ryo asked.
"You
know you don't have to ask." I remind him. "It's your house
too."
"You
won't mind?" Ryo looked at me for a brief moment, his eyes confused.
"Of
course I won't." I promised him.
"Thank
you," A smile ghosted over his face, as soon as the smile was there, it
was gone. He turned back to the window.
Ryo
lapsed back into silence. I still wondered about him. Something was really,
really bothering him. I also knew Ryo well enough to know that it was better
not to ask him what it was.
*******************
The
snow turned to freezing rain an hour later. There was a sound to freezing rain
that snow didn't have. It was like small pebbles hitting the roof of the house.
Ryo went back to the window, looking out of it.
"The
ice is so beautiful." Ryo told me. "It makes the trees look like
glass. Come look."
I
went to the window. Ryo was right; the trees looked like they were made of
crystal.
"Are
you with anyone?" Ryo asked me very softly.
"If
you mean dating?"
"Yeah,
are you dating anyone?"
"No
I'm not dating anyone." I admitted.
"I'm
alone," he told me. "I broke up with Jin. He's never been true to me,
and there's someone else I care for."
"You
should tell the one you care for."
"No,
I can’t' tell him." Ryo whispered. "I know doesn't like me that
way."
"I'm
sorry,"
"I
am too," Ryo moved away from the window. He went to the love seat and lit
a cigarette. "I'd give anything if I was more to him then that little pest
that used to bother him when we were kids."
*****************
The
electricity went off an hour after the ice storm began. We moved the love seat
into the kitchen and turned the gas oven on. With the kitchen doors closed, it
keep the temperature live able. I could see our breaths in the air, so much
like steam. We put on many layers of clothes. We also brought in as many
blankets as we could find. Some of them were my grandmother's antique quilts.
Ryo
found a quilt that he liked. It was made of blue and yellow fabrics. He wrapped
it around himself, then as always went to the window. His eyes were distant,
far away. I wondered if he was thinking of the one that he loved. I wanted to
go to Ryo, to touch him. To show him just how wonderful love could be, but I
couldn't. I wasn't the one he cared for.
I
set a large plastic bowl of water on the back porch. Hopefully when I went to
get it, it would be full of ice. I would then be able to put it in the freezer
and save some of my food.
I
worked on making dinner. It wasn't too hard, getting a roast out of the freezer
and putting it in the oven along with some vegetables. It would be something
hot to eat at least.
Ryo
stood at the kitchen window and watched the freezing rain that continued for
fall. I wanted to ask him what he was thinking of. But I knew it wasn't Ryo's
way to tell me. It really wasn't my business anyway.
So
I worked in the kitchen, getting the milk and other perishable food that were
in the refrigerator and putting them on the back porch. It was colder then
inside; at least some of the food would be saved.
It
took a bit for Ryo to realize what I was doing. He helped me with my mission to
save the food. When we were finished, he went back to the window. He looked
even more depressed as he watched the ice.
******************
We
slept on the love seat that night. It pulled out to be a twin bed. We piled all
the blankets and quilts on the bed. We went to bed fairly early. It got really
cold when the sun went down. Ryo curled up against me as he slept. I couldn't
help but put my arms around him. There were times I wished I could hold Ryo and
make his troubles go away. I wanted to teach him just how special he was.
I
held Ryo for quite awhile as he slept, then I too found sleep overtaking me. Ryo's
lips found mine as I fell to sleep. I kissed him back, I know I shouldn't have.
Ryo was probably dreaming of the one that he had fallen in love with. The one
that would never return his love.
When
I woke, Ryo was at the window. He looked so alone as he watched the snow. I
wanted to him, to hold him to let him know that someone did love him. But I
knew I couldn't. I wasn't the one destined to give him the love he so
desperately needed. I would have to keep my love for him to myself.
*********************************
·
Feb.
5th, 2010 at 4:36 PM
FPRIVATE
"TYPE=PICT;ALT=Ryo at the window"
Title: Ryo At The Window 2/3
Author: Kyoko_godaikun
Pairing: Ryo/Unnamed Kanjani 8 member
Genre: Angst/Romance
Summary: Ryo and another Kanjani 8 member are trapped in a small house during
an ice storm.
I
woke to the smell of something good. There was a pot of something cooking on
the gas stove. Everything was a bit of a blur to me. I knew I should wear my
glasses, but they steamed up when it was cold. So I left them in a drawer.
I
sat up; Ryo was looking out the window. He was smoking again. He always did
when he was worried. When would Ryo tell me what was bothering him?
I've
known Ryo for a very long time. I knew him before we joined the agency. He
lived down the street from my family, and his mother baby sat for my mother. He
was the younger boy that I'd been ordered to play with. I think I might have
loved him even then.
I
got out of bed and went to the cupboard by the sink. I took out the bottles of
supplements and my medicine. It's always easier to pass off the medicines I
take for my medical conditions if I also take supplements. In all there are ten
pills I take. Five are required by my doctor.
"Good
morning Ryo-Chan," I told him.
"Good
morning," He didn't look at me.
I
went to the stove and stirred the pot. Inside was a thick stew. "Did you
make this?"
"Yeah,
from last night's left over’s." He admitted. "I know it's strange to
have stew for breakfast...."
"It's
all right," I smiled. "Do you remember when we were kids your mom
would make us stew for lunch?"
"Yeah,
I followed her recipe."
I
spooned out two bowls of stew. I brought one to Ryo. He took it from me.
"Thank you."
I
went to the love seat. I put up the blankets and folded up the bed. Then I sat
down. I began to eat.
I
was surprised when Ryo sat down beside me. It was a little bit of closeness. I
knew it was a good thing for us to be sitting together. Ryo used to do that
when he was a kid, suddenly he would be near me, and he wouldn't leave. He
needed that togetherness.
"This
is really good," I told him.
Ryo
blushed a bit. "I'm glad you like it."
We
ate in silence. I tried to talk to him, but he wouldn't answer me. He still was
so very depressed. I wished I was someone who could make people laugh. I know
I'm known for being funny, but it always takes an effort.
When
I finished the bowl, Ryo took it from me. He poured me another. "We need
to eat more. It takes calories to fight the cold."
"You're
right, it does." I agreed. "If I had to be stuck in an ice storm with
anyone, I'm glad it's you."
Ryo
blushed again. I don't think he realizes he does it. I wonder if it's the cold
that's' making him blush.
*********************
I
won't even mention what Ryo was doing an hour after we ate. He was looking at
the snow again. I began to rack my brain for things we could do to get his
minds off of whatever was depressing him.
My
friend was known for his sharp tongue. I had learned over the years to ignore
it. Instead, I would watch his body language. Actions always spoke louder than
words when it came to Ryo. My friend has a good heart, though he doesn't
usually like to show it to others.
Ryo's
a member of the group that if we had been in school would have been called the
populars. I always thought that was why he really didn't mind being in two
groups. He could hang with his gang of Tokyo friends. He had tried to introduce
most of the Kanjani 8 groups into his group of friends-with mixed success. I
never fit in with the populars. I'm too moody to ever fit in with them. My lack
of popularity has never seemed to matter to my friend. Ryo might be very
popular in the agency, but he always kept his oldest friends close to him.
I
finally came up with the way I would get Ryo out of his bad mood. I kept a
drawer in the kitchen filled with card games. I went to the drawer and took out
the pack of UNO cards.
"Do
you want to play UNO Ryo-Chan?" I asked.
"Sure,"
He shrugged he sat down on the love seat.
The
love seat was too small for us to put the cards between us. Ryo looked around
the room. He opened a cabinet and took out a pizza pan. Then he sat back down.
"We'll
use this as a table." He decided. "We can put it on our knees."
"That's
a good idea," I smiled.
"I
want to deal," Ryo grabbed the cards out of my hand. He shuffled.
"What are we going to play for?"
"What
do you want to play for? Money?"
Ryo
flinched. "No, not money."
I
was then reminded that Ryo had his pay cut. "Sorry Ryo-chan. I didn't mean
to bring that up."
"It's
all right." He sighed. "It's not your fault."
I
spotted a bag of treats on the kitchen shelf. "What about kisses?"
Ryo's
eyes got huge. "You want to play for kisses? You want to kiss me?"
"Of
course not," I lied. "I meant candy kisses."
Ryo
breathed out a sigh of relief. "All right. We'll play for candy."
*******************
I
realized I was an idiot as we played. Ryo was really, really good at UNO. To
say he destroyed me was an understatement.
Ryo
was smiling as we played. For the first time in weeks Ryo looked happy.
"Do
you want to play again?" he asked me eagerly.
"I'm
out of candy." When I saw his disappointed eyes I said quickly. "I'll
have to play for virtual candy."
"Oh,
you're going to owe me big time." he dealt the cards again.
We
played, this time I won. I had a feeling that Ryo let me win. Even though he
was good at games, he never liked anyone to be utterly defeated.
"You
owe me some kisses." I teased.
Ryo
gave me a look I had never seen from him before. His eyes were so serious. He
took several kisses out of his bowl. "Here are some of my kisses."
I
held my hand out. Ryo placed the candy on my palm. His fingers lingered over
mine. The look he gives me. I feel as if he was staring into my soul. For the
first time I wondered if I am the one he thinks would never love him? I want to
say something, but I can't. I am so afraid if I do, he'll be frightened away.
"You
better put your candy up." He breaks eye contact. "I'm going to win
them back."
"Someday,
I'll win all your kisses." I told him.
Ryo
blushed again. He shuffled his cards. I realized I would have to be the one to
make the first move.
*************
Around
one we took a break for lunch. I busied myself making grilled cheese
sandwiches. We still had some stew left over, so I knew we could eat that. Ryo
didn't help me with the sandwiches. Instead, he cleaned a whole chicken. Then
he prepared it for roasting. He put it in the oven; the temperature was low
meaning that it would take several hours to cook.
"Do
you want some beer?" I asked Ryo.
"Why
do you have beer?" He asked me. "You don't drink."
Ryo
was right, I don't drink. I've always taken medicines for my health conditions
that have always had warnings stamped on the bottle that drinking alcohol was
not recommended.
"I
said; why do you have beer?" Ryo repeated. "If you drink you could
get sick."
"I
have it in case we have guests." I explained.
"I
don't feel like anything." He told me. "I want to have a clear head
today."
We
sat on the love seat to eat. Ryo's stew tasted better as leftovers. I tried to
make conversation with Ryo.
"How
did you learn to roast a chicken?" I asked.
"I
learned how to do that on an episode of Honjani." He explained. "You
know, when we had to camp?"
"We
did several of those." I reminded him.
"It
was part of a batsu game. I had to cook for you guys while you went
fishing." He smiled as he remembered. "That was back when you pierced
your eyebrow."
"Oh
yeah, I remember that," I took a bite of my stew. "I got written up
for getting a facial piercing without permission."
"You
were getting written up all the time back then." Ryo pointed out. "I
was wondering. How did you get them to stop writing you up?"
"I
started behaving." I began to concentrate on my food. I hadn't told Ryo
the complete truth. I had a secret that if it ever got out would destroy the
group we both loved. So to protect my friends, I learned to behave. I started
to act like a good little clone.
************
I
waited till after dinner to make my move on Ryo. I was terrified to get close
to Ryo. What would happen once Ryo knew the truth about me? The illness that I
had been hiding from the group. I knew what would happen if I had been wrong.
Ryo would pull away from me, and laugh at me. Then I would never hear the end
of it for the rest of my life.
Ryo
was looking out the window again. He looked even more depressed.
"What
are you watching?" I asked him.
"I
can see houses that still have power." he told me.
"Do
you want to try walking to one?"
"No,
I'd rather stay here, with you." He admitted.
"I’m
glad." I went to him; from behind I slipped my arms around his waist. Then
I lied. "I know you don't feel the same way about me as I do for you. But
can I hold you this way for a little while?"
I
could feel him shudder against me. His voice sounded strange. "Yes, you
can hold me."
For
the first time I realized that Ryo was just as nervous as I was. I put my head
on his shoulder. His hand moved so it was on top of my hands. It was shaking.
After
a long while of holding him, I realized Ryo wouldn’t' do anything else. Perhaps
I had been wrong; perhaps I'm not the one that he liked.
I
began to pull away from him. He grabbed my arm and turned so that he was facing
him. "Please, don't let go of me."
"Ryo-Chan,"
I breathed.
"Don't
let go of me," His voice was strained. . "I've always wanted for you
to hold me."
I
didn't have to think twice. I took Ryo in my arms. "I'll hold you as long
as you want me to."
Ryo
held me tightly in his arms for a long while. I could have rushed it, but I
have always had a thing about hugs. Finally, he pulled away from me. Then he
kissed me for the very first time. Ryo's lips were even softer than they were
when he kissed me while he was sleeping.
Ryo
finally pulled away from me. His eyes were so confused. "Are you sure you
want this?"
"I've
loved you for a very long time Nishikido Ryo." I confessed. I kissed him
again.
Ryo
pulled away from me. His face was so confused. "You love me?"
"More
than my life,"
"You
really love me." Ryo suddenly looked like he was about to cry. "I
wish you hadn't told me that. It would have been so much easier if you hadn't.
It was so much better when I thought my love was one sided. We can never be
together my love."
"I
don't understand why can't we be together?"
"I
can't tell you...It would be best if you never know the truth." With that,
Ryo ran out of the room into the freezing cold living room.
I
looked around the kitchen, wracking my brain trying to figure out what was so
wrong that Ryo couldn't be mine. Then I noticed the bottles of medicine sitting
on the counter pushed up to the wall. I knew I had put mine up after I had
taken them. I went to the bottles, I picked one up. The prescription was made
out to Nishikido Ryo. I put the bottle back.
I
now knew why Ryo was so upset. Ryo shared my secret. The secret that only the
agency had know about. The truth that had kept me from even dating for six long
years. I had been told that I would be fired if I told my secret to anyone. But
Ryo needed me. He had to know that he wasn't alone in this. I grabbed his
favorite quilt and went to the dark living room in search of Ryo.
****
The
living room was really dark. I forgot how dark it got without power. I almost
tripped over a foot stool. I had to run back into the kitchen and find a
flashlight. I was really worried about Ryo. I didn't want my friend to freeze
to death. I knew just how alone he felt. I felt that way for many years. He had
to know that he wasn't the only one with his condition.
I
finally found Ryo hiding in a dark corner, behind my grandmother's favorite
chair. He was curled up in a ball. I could hear his teeth chattering. I knelt
beside him, and then I put the blanket around his shoulders.
"You
shouldn't have followed me." Ryo's voice was rough. "I need some time
to think."
"This
is my house; I can do whatever I want." I reminded him.
"Go
to hell," He told me. It was a glimpse of the old Ryo.
"You're
going to freeze to death in here."
"I'm
going to die anyway. At least this way isn't so drawn out." Ryo reached up
wiping his face. That was when I realized he was crying.
"You
don't know if you're going to die." I told him.
"You
don't know that I'm not dying." Ryo pulled himself into a tighter ball.
"Perhaps I want to die. It would make all of this nightmare end."
I
sat beside him. "You know you asked me why I stopped getting in
trouble."
"Yeah,
so?"
"I
have a secret Ryo-chan. When Johnny-sama found out about my being positive, he
cut my salary by two thirds. I was told that if I told anyone, I would be
fired."
"So
why talk to me about it? I mean, you'll get fired if I tell anyone."
"I
don't think you would."
"Why
do you trust me so much?"
"I
was like you once.” I told him. “I was very mad at the world. I blamed the
world for my condition."
"How
the hell could you be like me?" he demanded. "You don’t have..."
"HIV?"
I finished.
"No
matter how much you feel sorry for me. You don’t have HIV. You’re not going to
die because you loved the wrong person." Ryo insisted.
"You
might be one of the lucky ones." I told him. "When I found out I had
HIV, I slit my wrist. I wanted to die, not in ten years or so."
"You
have HIV?" some of the anger left his voice. “Aren’t you afraid you’re
going to die?”
"No,
I’m not afraid. I take my medicines every day, hoping that one day there will
be a cure." I paused. "There has to be a cure found.”
“Even
with safe sex, people get it every day. More and more people die. Too many
people." Ryo reminded me.
“We
have to have hope. If we don’t, the retrovirus wins.”
Ryo's
teeth were still chattering. I was very, very worried about him. Plus I was
cold too. Just because I was wearing two sweat shirts didn't mean that I was
warm.
I
was able to talk Ryo into going back to the kitchen. I guided him to the
loveseat. I went to the stove and turned the flame on beneath the kettle.
******************
In
a few minutes I was able to hand Ryo a steaming mug of peppermint tea. He held
it between his hands as he tried to warm up. I took my own mug to the couch.
Ryo
was being quiet again. I hoped the time it was simply because of his being
cold. He concentrated himself on the mug of tea.
Ryo
had been the first person I kissed in over six years. I had the secret that I
was HIV. I was terrified that I would give my lover the virus. But even though
we weren’t' lovers, I felt as if I was with Ryo. I knew how hard it was for him
to fall in love and know that his blood contained a ticking time bomb.
After
many minutes, Ryo put his empty mug on the counter. Then he sat back down. His
next question surprised me. "Who gave you HIV?"
"Does
it really matter?" I asked.
"I
want to go to him and beat him up." Ryo whispered.
"There's
no need to beat up my former lover."
"Why
didn't he insist on using safe sex?"
"My
former lover didn't know that he was positive while we were lovers. He didn't
know until his former lover was diagnosed." I tried to explain. "The
lover called him. He was tested and found to be positive. Then I was tested. I
too was positive."
"Jin
told me if I really loved him, we wouldn't use protection." Ryo whispered.
"I was such an idiot. I loved him, but all the time he was using me."
"How
long have you known?"
"Eighteen
months. Jin never told me that he was HIV positive. I wanted to leave him about
a year ago. I had all ready fallen in love with you." Ryo tried to
explain. "Then he told me the truth that he gave me HIV on purpose. He
wanted to take away my ability to love anyone else. I stayed with him, I guess
because I had nowhere else to go."
"What
changed that?"
"What
happened in Korea changed my mind. He betrayed me to Johnny-sama." He
remembered. "Johnny-sama wouldn't believe my story that Jin was the one
that made me positive. Instead he believed Jin. I'm being punished for giving
him HIV."
"The
next time I see Jin, I'm going to punch him." I decided.
"What
does that matter? I'm going to die soon."
"We're
all going to die one day." I reminded him. "We should make the most
of the time we have to be together."
"I
didn't think we would be so much alike. We've gone through the same pain. I
feel as if you understand me." he croaked. "I love you so much."
"I
love you too." I kissed him very, very gently.
*******************
I
felt like we were teenagers as was sat on the loveseat kissing. We kissed for
quite awhile. I was trying to let Ryo take the lead. But after ten minutes of
simply kissing I realized that Ryo was still probably too afraid to take the
lead in anything. As we kissed I put my hand on his leg and moved upwards
slowly. Until my hand was on top of his hardness. I stroked it roughly through
his jeans. Ryo sighed and unconsciously moved his hips into my strokes.
"I
want to make love to you," My voice was harsh as I pulled away from him. .
"I
want that too,"
I
looked around the room quickly thinking of the place for our first time. The
floor was out of the question, way too cold. I realized I really wanted to do
him on the kitchen cabinet. I put a blanket on the cabinet.
I
could hear Ryo behind me; I wasn’t sure what he was doing.
"I
don't think we need to use safe sex," Ryo told me. "We're both
positive."
"We're
still going to use safe sex Ryo-Chan," I tried to smile. "If you want
to know it's because I love you."
Ryo
went around me, he was nude. He got up onto the cabinet. Then he picked up the
tube of lube I had set out. He split his legs, moving one leg onto the cabinet,
his foot against the blanket, and then he leaned back so I could see what he
was doing. He lubed his fingers, plunging one into himself without preparation.
His eyes flickered shut.
"I
know this sounds like a weird kink," Ryo moaned. "But I want you to
do me with your clothes still on."
"You
like it that way?"
I
watched fascinated as he put the second, then a third finger inside himself.
After a few moments, he was fucking himself with all his fingers. He arched
back, his eyes flickered shut and began to pinch one of his nipples. His penis
bobbed in time with every thrust of his fingers.
Ryo
moaned my name. I didn't realize how sexy my own name would sound coming from
his lips.
Ryo
was the sexiest man alive as he made love to himself. I wanted him badly. I
found the condom on the counter, unzipped my jeans, pulling them down. Then I
rolled the condom onto my hardness.
I
reached out, running my hand down his body. He shuddered against my fingers.
"Are
you ready for me?" I asked.
"Oh
god yes," he whispered.
He
removed his fingers and moved as close to the edge as he could. I moved closer
to him, I wanted to act slowly, but his loving himself had left me so turned on
I couldn't.
"Make
me yours," He begged. "Take me as a right of conquest. Don't worry,
you won't hurt me. I want to feel your power."
I
pushed myself fully into him. Ryo moaned, grabbing at me. He sat up while I was
inside him, holding me close in his arms. He held me tightly as I began to
thrust hard. His legs wrapped around me.
It
felt so good for finally have Ryo. We didn't talk as we loved. There was no
need for words. Instead, we concentrated on our feelings. Ryo was so warm
around me. He was tight, almost virgin tight. I wanted to be inside him
forever. He moved, trying to meet every thrust with a movement of his own.
Then
the thoughts left my mind, and all I could do was make love to him, harder,
even harder. Ryo began to cry in time with my thrusts. I put a hand between our
bodies, finding his erection, jerking it hard in time with my thrusts.
Ryo
arched back, screaming my name. I could feel him spasming around my penis. Then
he filled my hand with his cum. I tried to push through the resistance of his
body, but it was too much. I came too.
I
stayed inside of Ryo as long as I could. We kissed gently in the afterglow. Ryo
was mine, he was finally mine.
***********************
It
was all ready light when I woke up the next morning. It was also warmer, though
both of us were nude. My lover held me the same way he did the night before,
but this time it was different, I knew I was his. I belonged to someone. When I
found out my HIV status, I thought that love was impossible. Now it was holding
me, letting me know I wasn't alone.
I
had spent hours at the window, staring out at it. Wishing I could be free from
the curse that would one day take my life. Hating myself for being HIV positive
while at the same time, the man I loved more than anything also was HIV
positive.
I
didn't get up to look out the window. Before, when I looked out the window I
could see my new lover in the reflection. I could stare at him without his
knowing about it. I knew I was too old to stare at the one I was in love with.
Watching my lover’s reflection I could wish my fate was a different one. I
could love him and realize we could have a long happy life together.
My
lover is so gorgeous. I know that some people think he’s too thin, that he’s
too short. That he’s really still a rebel with a skull tattoo. I loved watching
him. Now I knew I could look at him, and I knew he didn't mind. We were lovers,
it was normal for lovers to look at each other.
I
now knew why Johnny-sama had insisted he be the red eito ranger. It had been a
horrible joke on Johnny Sama’s part. It was a public reminder of my lover's
HIV. That someday my lover would get full blown AIDs and die.
Then
I realized it was warm, really warm. Not just the warmth generated by a gas
oven. The lights were also on.
I
could feel Subaru stir against me. His eyes flickered open. "Good
morning."
"Morning
Baru chan." I couldn't help but smile. "The power's back on."
"Oh
that's too bad," Subaru smiled his special smile at me. "I was
enjoying keeping each other warm."
"We
can still do that." I teased. I reached out, tracing the outline of his
face. "We're still snowed in."
"Perhaps
we'll be snowed in for years." Subaru wished.
"That
would be wonderful," I agreed as I rolled over, pulling Subaru on top of
me.
It
wasn't fair that Subaru had to keep his HIV to himself for six long years. He
was so much like me, he had been afraid to love. In a way, I was glad he
waited. It made what we had very special.
We
have each other. It might be for six months, it might be for six years. It
might even be for sixty years. No one really knows how long love will last.
Nothing, not fate, not the HIV retrovirus will take our love from each other.
As Subaru loved me yet again, I vowed that as long as I could love, I would be
his.