Title: Shadows of the Past 1/2

Author: Kyoko_godaikun

Rating: PG

Pairing Hina/Subaru

Genre: Romance/angst

Summary: Hina has a one sided love for Subaru. He wants to tell his friend, but he is afraid he will be rejected.

******************

It was two days before the latest Johnny's Sports Day. The first Sports Day in almost four years. Everyone was excited about the upcoming event. Kanjani 8 was very excited because the sports event was taking place in Osaka.

Shibutani Subaru and Murakami Shingo of Kanjani 8 were sharing a hotel room. This was unusual, as debuted stars; they usually had their own rooms. When they were in Osaka, they usually stayed at home. This event was different. The agency had decided that for security reasons that everyone participating in the event would stay in a hotel. So to save money, everyone had to double up. Shingo who was called Hina didn’t think twice. He would stay with Subaru.

Subaru had drifted off to sleep early. He was tired from filming his drama. Hina went to Subaru's bed, and took the script off. Then he closed it and put it on the bedside table. He then took out his reading light and turned off the lights in the room. Hina sat down on his own bed, and put the light on the script. It was light enough to see what he was studying.

Hina couldn't keep his mind on the script. He kept glancing at Subaru. His friend looked so innocent when he slept. Subaru was the strong one of the pair. He was better then Hina in almost everything. No one had ever said anything to Hina about it. He just knew.

Hina once again went back to his script.

Suddenly Subaru said in his sleep. "I can't stop the bleeding. Please Hina-Chan, help me."

A nightmare, Subaru was having another bad dream. Hina had these often back in the days when they first had joined the agency. Subaru's mind reliving over and over his abuse by a staff member.

"NO! I won't come with you! Leave me alone! It hurts!" Subaru said in his sleep.

Then with a scream, Subaru sat up in bed. He looked around the room confused. "Hina-Chan?"

Hina turned off the reading light; he went to Subaru's bed. He reached out, touching Subaru. "It's all right, I'm here."

"He hurt me again," Subaru said confused. "Why does he make me go with him?"

"Subaru-Chan that was a long time ago." Hina tried to soothe. "That was almost ten years ago."

Subaru checked himself to see if he was bleeding. Then he looked at his hand. Then he ran his hand through his hair. "I'm sorry. I got confused."

"You had a very bad dream?"

"I couldn't tell it was a dream." he sounded bothered. "I think I'm going crazy."

"No, you're not crazy. It was a terrible time. I have dreams too." Hina admitted.

"Why should you have nightmares? You were the brave one. You told." Subaru lay back down; he looked up to the ceiling. "Why do we dream about something that happened so long ago?"

"I don't know."' When Subaru didn't say anything, Hina asked. "Do you want me to sleep with you?"

"Please," was all that Subaru said.

Hina still fully clothed, got into bed with his friend.

"I feel so safe in your arms." Subaru snuggled against Hina. "You’ve always been the strong one."

Hina suddenly felt very embarrassed. "Let's not talk about it."

*If only,* Hina thought. *Why can't I tell you how I feel? Because you're straight. So I'll have to be happy with being just friends.*

"What's wrong?" Subaru asked sleepily.

"Nothing," Hina lied. "Just thinking about the sports day, I would rather be on your team."

"So do I. But we can't." he paused. "Try your best; it's what the fans deserve."

"I always do."

Subaru moved closer to him, he could feel his friend put his arm across Hina's waist. Subaru was getting close again, way too close. Hina could feel himself tighten at his friend's touch. Subaru's head settled on Hina's shoulder. He couldn't help it; he put his arm around Subaru.

"We need to sleep," Hina reminded him.

"You're right. Good night Hina." Subaru's eyes flickered shut.

As Hina held his sleeping friend, he worried about him. Their abuser had been a PA assigned to work with the Kansai juniors. He had taken advantage of his position by hurting various members of the younger teens. He had abused Hina before he moved on to Subaru. Hina couldn't live with seeing his friend hurt. Even though Subaru had begged him not to tell, he had.

***********************

Subaru woke. He was surrounded by something wet and sticky. Hina lay beside him. He was very pale; Subaru reached out and touched him. His lover was cold. He pulled down the sheets. There was blood, lots of blood. He was bleeding from the place that Subaru had loved him.

"I killed him." he realized. He held Hina's cold body for one last time. He began to sob for his lost love.

Again, Subaru woke. He was lying against Hina. He reached out touching Hina's face. It was warm to the touch. He was alive. A nightmare, Subaru realized he had another nightmare. He had been having them almost every night.

*Why am I so afraid?* he asked himself. *I'll never love him. He has a one sided love for someone else.*

*Sometimes I wish I was still young.*

Hina had been Subaru's first friend when they joined the agency. They thought they would be the first stars out of the Kansai Juniors. Then it had happened, the abuse by a staff member. Hina had been there to help the hurt Subaru. But even Hina couldn't prevent the last attack, which had hurt Subaru so horribly that he got a bad infection.

Hina had been braver then Subaru ever had been. He had gotten Subaru the treatment that his infected body needed. Then he told anyone who would listen about the abuser. Buy the time Subaru had gotten out of the hospital, the abuser had been fired.

It was a friendship born of pain. His friend never mentioned the abuse to him.

Subaru loved Hina, with that love came fear. He was terrified that loving Hina would be like abuse.

Subaru hid in the shadows, pretending not to love his friend. Going out through the motions of being straight. Putting aside his feelings for Hina for his friend's happiness. Subaru knew that Hina was in love with someone. Subaru wished that Hina could trust him enough to tell him who the one sided love was. Subaru would be able to arrange it so that Hina would be with that man. No matter how much it hurt Subaru.

Subaru knew that staff would arrive soon. He couldn't be found in bed with Hina. Subaru kissed Hina's sleeping lips. Then he rolled out of bed. He found his robe and went towards the bathroom. He took one last glance at the sleeping Hina. It took all his will power not to go to the bed and wake Hina up, to love him. But he knew that was impossible. His friend didn't love him.

*Why can't I stop loving you?* Subaru asked himself.

********************************

It was October 11th. The day before Johnny's sports day. The juniors had had a rehearsal. Kanjani 8 had been assigned to sing with the juniors, so they too went to the rehearsal. That was a sore spot with Hina; they had debuted over three years ago. But Kanjani 8 was still considered juniors in some quarters. They were almost completely ignored. Everyone paid attention to the new group Kat-Tun.

Still Subaru had tackled the opening act of the sports day with gusto. He reminded Hina that they were there to make the fans happy. He hadn't mentioned the nightmare from the night before. In fact, he acted as if nothing had happened.

"Do you think the fans will like the opening?" Hina asked him. He sat on a bench beside Subaru, just watching the juniors.

"I hope so."

"Don't you think we should be performing with the other debuted groups?"

"If we preformed with the other debuted groups, it would be like we where very small fish." Subaru told him. "This way, it is more like a Kanjani 8 concert."

"I know," he tried not to sound disappointed.

"The fans will love us performing first." Subaru looked into his eyes and smiled. "Without the fans, we're nothing."

Hina couldn't help but smile back. "You're right of course."

"Is he going to be here?" Subaru decided to change the subject.

"Is who?" Hina pretended ignorance. Hina knew exactly who his friend meant, every time a Johnny's event happened, Subaru brought up the same subject. Since the first day that Subaru realized that Hina had a one sided love, he had been pestering his friend into admitting who it was. Never once guessing that the person Hina cared for was Subaru.

"That guy you like, is he going to be at the sports day?" Subaru persisted.

"Yes, he is." Hina looked away from him. He couldn't let his friend know the truth.

"You know, we're friends. I can't believe you haven't told me who he is."

"It doesn't matter who he is." Hina insisted. "He's got a girl friend."

"I know, Nagase."

"It's not Nagase, besides he's really bi." Hina shrugged.

"How do you know that?"

"Cause I've slept with him." Hina looked around the field again at the juniors.

"Can't be Ueda, he's gay."

"Slept with him too."

"Yamapi." Subaru guessed.

"You know I did him."

Subaru listed Johnny's after Johnny's. Most Hina admitted to sleeping with.

"Which members of the agency haven't you slept with?" Subaru suddenly seemed upset.

"Lots of them, mostly the straight ones." He really didn't want to talk to Subaru about his tendency to sleep with just about anyone who was male. That is, until he fell for Subaru.

"You should tell me who he is." Subaru persisted. "I could talk to him..."

"That wouldn't be a good idea." Hina interrupted.

Just then Subaru's ketai began to ring. He looked at Hina apologetic and moved off to answer it. Hina could hear snatches of conversation. It was Subaru's girlfriend. Hina didn't like Subaru's girl friend. She was too demanding. She insisted that Subaru spend most of his off time with her.

*I should be happy for him.* Hina thought. *Why do I have to be so jealous?*

*******************

****************************

After a long day of rehearsals the Johnny’s returned to their hotel. Hina had declared that he needed to study for his latest drama. He was a bit on the nervous side about the drama. He had been given the staring role in the drama. It was a part even bigger then the part he had in Neverland.

Subaru was co-staring with Hina in the drama. He knew he should be practicing his lines, but he was afraid he would fall asleep again. The dreams would come back. Then Hina would hold him. Subaru was terrified of Hina comforting him. It had been almost impossible to hide his love for his partner when he was half asleep.

Subaru needed to get away from Hina. He had first thought of going to his friend Shota’s room, but Shota was busy with his lover Ohkura. So that was out. Subaru had only one choice, he had to visit Yoko.

Subaru went down the hall to Yoko's room. Perhaps he could do something, anything that would keep his mind off of his friend.

He knocked at the door for the third time. He could hear his friends in the room, so he knew they where there. Finally Yoko opened the door. He was wearing a robe. Maruyama was pulling one on. Maruyama had a very large love bite on his chest.

“What do you need Subaru?” Yoko asked harshly.

“It’s an emergency. I need to talk to someone.” Subaru pushed his way into the room. He stepped over the piles of quickly cast aside clothes and sat on the still made bed.

"Why don’t you talk to Hina?” Maruyama suggested. . He glanced at the other bed, which was unmade. Subaru realized that he must have interrupted something, but he was too upset to care.

"He's busy studying." Subaru told his friends.

"You're in the same drama with Hina!" Yoko pointed out. "He would love to spend some time with you."

"What do you mean?"

"Hina's in love with you!"

"Hina doesn't love me." Subaru tried to reason. "He has a one sided love for a straight man."

"Have you ever thought he meant you?" Maruyama asked gently.

"I'm not straight." He said in a rush. Then realized what he said. "I didn't mean..."

"I know, but it is the truth. You have to stop hiding from the truth." Maruyama said seriously. “You need to come out of the closet and admit you’re gay.”

"I can't risk it." Subaru said in a rush.

"Why not?" Yoko looked Subaru over. "You love Hina. You have to be with him."

"No, we can't be together." Subaru insisted. "I could hurt Hina."

"The abuse," Yoko guessed. "You're still scared that love will hurt."

"Yes, I am." Subaru admitted.

"You should tell Hina," Maruyama decided. "The two of you could be together, even if it wasn't physical."

"I'm still not sure that the one Hina loves is me. I will think about it." Subaru promised. He looked at his friends, who obviously wanted to be alone together. "I better get back to my room."

Subaru went back to his hotel room. His ketai began to ring. It was his girl friend Midori. Subaru quickly told her that he no longer wanted to date her. Then he turned off the phone. He never felt so free.

Subaru stood in front of the door, the key in his hand. He would have to be strong, like his Hina. Summoning all of his courage, he put the key in the door.

****************************

Hina concentrated on the script he was studying. He was wearing headphones, to block out the sounds around him. He was surprised when he felt someone plop onto the bed beside him.

"Here, let me help." Subaru tried to take the script away from Hina.

"No, that's all right." He dismissed.

"We've always helped each other with our scripts." Subaru said as he took the script. Then he began to look at the page. "Besides we're in the same drama."

Hina decided to tell the truth. "I can't practice a love scene with you."

"It’s just acting." Subaru reminded him. "I won't hold it against you Shingo."

Shingo, Subaru just called him his real name. Hina didn't realize how good his name sounded coming out of Subaru’s mouth. Hina felt his mind race as he turned to the scene that was giving him trouble. It was a romantic scene with a passionate kiss. Hina hated those. He had always had major trouble acting romantic towards woman.

They practiced, Hina always stopping short of the kissing scene. It was much easier to pretend to be in love with Subaru, then his co-star.

"We need to do this all the way through at least once." Subaru told him.

"What about this kissing?"

"It’s only acting." Subaru reminded him. "It’s not a real kiss."

"All right." Hina agreed.

They began to rehearse again. When they got to the kissing scene, Hina touched the smaller man’s cheek very softly, and then kissed him gently.

Hina parted his mouth for a brief second; Subaru's tongue shoved its way into Hina’s mouth. Subaru's kiss was hungry, demanding. Hina sighed and gave into the kiss.

*He wants me, he really wants Me.* Hina thought excitedly. The kiss became more passionate. Subaru's hands went to the front of Hina's robe, untying it. Then his hands went under the robe, pulling Hina close to him, holding him so tightly Hina thought he would be crushed. Then he pulled the robe off of Hina, and it fell to the floor. Subaru's fingers caressed the area around Hina's stomach, every stroke growing closer to the prize.

Then suddenly Subaru pulled away from him, he was blushing. He turned his body away from Hina. "You played that scene wonderfully."

"So did you," he reached out, touching Subaru's back. "You don't have to pull away from me."

"Sometimes when you act, you get carried away with the scene." Subaru's voice shook. "The kiss wasn't real, it was only acting."

"So the kiss meant nothing to you?" He tried to keep the hurt out of his voice. He picked up his robe and put it back on.

"Of course it didn't." Subaru was lying. Hina had known Subaru for too long into to know when he was lying.

"I see," He tied his robe. "I can't rehearse with you any more. I can't kiss you that way, and pretend it's nothing."

"I want to know who your one sided love is." Subaru said changing the subject. "I want to go to him, tell him how wonderful you are. Perhaps he really isn't straight."

"I have a feeling that he might not be." Hina stated the obvious. He realized with the kiss that Subaru had been hiding his sexuality away from himself to the point that not even his oldest friend knew about it.

"Please Shingo-Chan; I want to see you happy. You won't be until you get with him." Subaru pleaded.

"What about you?"

"We're just friends." Subaru's voice shook." I have to put aside my feelings for you, so that you can find happiness. You deserve to be happy Shingo."

Hina realized what Subaru just said. He had all but confessed his love for Hina.

"Hina..."

"Don't call me that, that's my Johnny's name." Hina told him. "I like it when you call me Shingo."

"I don't understand." Subaru said confused. "Everyone calls you Hina."

"I am two people." Hina's voice was very soft. "There is the Hina I always show people. Then there is Shingo, who is only seen by you."

"What's the difference?"

"Hina is what I became after the abuse. I worked hard to make sure I was never hurt again." he told him. "I didn't mind when people started calling me Hina, because it gave me a new start to my life. But inside, deep inside lives Shingo."

"I changed too," Subaru told him. "I worked out, learned to fight. I started dating girls."

"Are you really straight?" Hina decided to get to the point.

"I pretend to be straight, but that's not the real me." The smaller man looked away from him.

"What is the real you?"

"The real Subaru is gay." Subaru confessed. "I'm in love. With someone who is so wonderful, that I can't see a life without him. But I'm not as brave as my Shingo. I'm so very, very afraid. I don't have the courage to tell him. I have nightmares. Almost every night I dreams of waking in my lover's arms, and that lover bleeding."

"The way you used to after the abuse." It was all beginning to make sense to Hina. He now understood why Subaru hid from the truth. It was to protect him.

"I love him with all of my heart. I want to hold him in my arms and never let him go." There was pain in his voice. "I can remember the pain of sex. How could I hurt him? In my dreams he sometimes dies from the bleeding. I have lived his death over and over. A death by my hands."

"I understand." Hina said softly. The abuser hadn't cared at all for the victims feelings. He could remember Subaru crying as Hina tried to stop the bleeding. Hina should have realized that the abuse had scared Subaru's soul.

"How were you able to overcome the fear of being hurt?" Subaru asked softly.

"I slept around. Every time I told myself that I wanted it. It was my choice to have a lover." Hina told him. "But I always ended up feeling empty. So I would do it again and again."

"You're so strong," Subaru told him. "How could you simply give your love to someone else?"

"I wanted the pain of being hurt to go away." Hina confessed. "I never let them kiss me. I thought that if they didn't kiss me I wouldn't be hurt."

"But you stopped..."

"When I developed my one sided love, I realized I had made a mess of my life." Hina confessed. "Even if he could never touch me, I would change myself for him. I found when I did, I liked myself more."

"If he came to you and told you his feelings. Would it be special?" Subaru suddenly looked like a small scared child.

"Every moment I'm with you is special." He moved so that he could see Subaru's face. "Even if you could never bring yourself to love me, you would still live in my heart. I would be satisfied."

"You know..." Subaru seemed to be on the verge of tears. "Don't play this game with me. You are in love with someone else. I can't just have one night with you. It would be worse then not having you. Go to the one you love. I'll help you get him. I bet he loves you. How can he not? I have to see you happy. Please, tell me who he is."

"The one I love is someone not very many people see." He reached out touching Subaru's face. "He's my wonderful Subaru."

"Me? You love me?" For an instant, Hina saw the terrified boy he knew years before. "But the man you love is so wonderful, so strong. You told me that yourself. He's brave enough to get what he wants. I'm not; I'm too scared to touch you."

"You are wonderful, you are strong."

"I'm terrified Shingo."

"Baru, there's nothing to be afraid of." his fingers caressed Subaru's cheek. "You have me. We've been friends for ten years. In all this time did I ever hurt you? Did I ever betray you?"

"Never," Subaru admitted. "I'm afraid Shingo. If we become more then friends, if we break up, I would loose not just my lover but my friend."

"That wouldn't happen." Hina promised. "No matter what, you'll always be my friend."

Hina realized he would have to make the first move. He stepped back from Subaru, and untied his robe. He pushed the robe off of his shoulders and let it fall to the floor. Then he stepped forwards, kissing his new lover on the lips. He could feel Subaru tremble as they kissed. "Don’t' tell me no. We're lovers; we just haven't taken that last step."

“The last step.” Subaru repeated.

Without saying anything, Hina unbuttoned Subaru's shirt. Then as he looked into Subaru's eyes, he shoved the shirt over Subaru's shoulders. "Come to bed, let me show you that love doesn't hurt."

*************************

Subaru woke. He was surrounded by something wet and sticky. Hina lay beside him. He was very pale; Subaru reached out and touched him. His lover was cold. He pulled down the sheets. There was blood, lots of blood. He was bleeding from the place that Subaru had loved him.

"I killed him." he realized. He took Hina into his arms. He held his cold body for one last time. Subaru began to sob for his lost love.

"Baru-Chan wake up." he could hear someone say in the background.

Suddenly Subaru was awake; he was in a similar hotel room. Hina lay beside him. "Shingo, how can you be here? You're dead!"

"It's all right, you where just having a dream." Hina took Subaru into his arms. His lover's embrace was warm, comforting.

Subaru held Hina tightly, as if he would vanish if he let him go. "Are you bleeding? I must know, did I hurt you?"

"I feel wonderful." Hina told him. "I didn't bleed at all. You are a wonderful lover."

"I'm glad." He sighed. "Then what we had was special."

"What we have is very special." Hina stroked Subaru's hair. "You're not getting rid of me after just one night. But I’m not sure what you’ll say to your girlfriend."

"I broke up with Midori. What I had with her was a lie. I was just using her because I couldn’t have you." Subaru told him. "There's only Shingo in my heart."

"She was Shibutani girlfriend." Hina smiled as he traced the smaller man's face with his finger. "I belong to Subaru."

"I'll never let you go." he kissed his lover's lips gently. "Do you think we could call in sick today?"

"Not today," Hina smiled his special smile at him. "We have the sports day. We can't disappoint the fans."

"How long do we have until we're picked up?" Subaru began to stroke his way down Hina's body. He loved the feel of Hina's taut muscles.

"We have two hours." Hina began his own exploration. "Plenty of time to warm up."

"Yes, plenty of time." Subaru agreed.

Then the new lovers made love again. Both happy that they found the one that made them complete. The one that was beside Subaru for so long. The one that Subaru realized would always be there, because Hina was the one that Subaru loved more then anything.