Episode 4 - Love Labors In Space

[Open in a swanky, upscale restaurant, where Leela and her date
are enjoying a romantic dinner by candlelight, while a robot
pianist with four hands provides musical accompaniment. Two
plates with tiny green specks on them sit before the diners.]

Leela : This place was a great choice. The food was amazing, and such
generous portions!

Doug : If you liked the meal, just wait 'til you try these
after-dinner mints.

Leela : You know, Doug, most guys are put off by my eye. It's nice to
finally meet someone who's open-minded.

[Doug smiles charmingly, and then slurps up the after-dinner
mint with a prehensile, yellow-and-purple lizard tongue.]

Leela : Ewwwwwwww!!!

[End of Pre-Credits Sequence : 18 sec]

[Next day at Planet Express, Fry, Amy and Leela are getting
coffee in the staff break room.]

Fry : What was wrong with your date last night?

Leela : I don't know. Something I couldn't quite put my finger
on. Possibly his vile lizard tongue.

Amy : [sighs] You're too picky.

Fry : Yeah, if you rule out every guy with a lizard tongue or a low IQ
or an explosive violent temper, of course you're going to be
lonely.

[Leela leaves the break room and heads for the briefing table,
followed by Amy and Fry.]

Leela : There's nothing wrong with having high standards. Now can we
please stop...

Zoidberg : [authoritatively] The female Leela's problem is purely
medical. Soon she will drop her eggs, and they will hatch, and

all will be well.

Amy : [to Leela] You just have to give guys a chance. Sometimes you
meet a guy and think he's a pig, but then later on you realize he
actually has a really good body.

Leela : Thank you all for the inspiring advice, but I'm perfectly happy
with my life the way it is.

Bender : *That* sounds like a cry for help.

Amy : Let's all take her out tonight. There's lots of great places to
meet people.

Hermes : The Federal Sex Bureau!

Bender : The saucy puppet show!

Zoidberg : The rotting carcass of a whale.

Amy : Mmmmmm... I'll pick.

[That night sees them all at the Hip Joint, a nightclub on a
stalk several stories above the rest of the city. People are
getting funky on floating dancefloors while hip-hop electronic
music plays in the background and lights flash on and off at
exciting angles. Many of the clubbers are wearing plastic
hoops
which don't actually appear to touch their bodies.]

Amy : Oh, wow! It's totally retro!

Fry : Why is everyone wearing those rings?

Amy : Guh! Because nobody wears them any more! Rings are stupid!

Fry : I think they look cool.

Amy : Ssh! Don't let anyone hear you say that!

Clubgoer : [suspicious] Oy, did that lad just say rings are cool?

Amy : No, he said they're stupid.

Guy : Cool!

[Amy, Leela and Bender sit together at a booth, scoping out
the possibilities on the floor.]

Amy : So what do you think of that guy by the bar?

Leela : I don't know. Maybe.

Bender : Forget it, he's gay.

Leela : What? How can you tell?

Bender : I just know these things. I've got what they call
"gay-dar".

Leela : There's no such thing.

Bender : No?

[Bender opens his chest unit and pulls out a small control unit
with a rotating radar dish. He places it on the table and
operates some controls. The dish starts to narrow down its
rotation in one direction.]

Bender : Okay, I've got a lock on him. [dish beeps] Yep, he's
gay.

Amy : [skeptical] Are you sure?

Bender : Definitely. Unless I'm getting interference from a gay
weather balloon.

[Fry is chatting up a woman at the bar.]

Woman : You're from the twentieth century? That's incredible!
I'm from the twenty-first century!

Fry : No way! We've got so much in common!

Woman : We sure do! Remember when those cyborgs enslaved
humanity?

Fry : Uhhh...yeah, that rings a bell.

[Amy brings a handsome guy to Leela's table to introduce them.]

Amy : This is Bolt Rowlands. Bolt is a hypersled racer with ten
wins on the pro circuit.

Bolt : [smoothly, to Leela] Hello, beautiful.

Bender [stage whisper] I think she means ten wins on the gay
circuit.

Bolt : Ha, I wish! Those cats can really fly.

[Dr Zoidberg is sitting alone at the bar. The bartender places
a drink in front of him, but when Zoidberg tries to hold the
glass in his claws it slips out of his grasp, falls to the bar
and shatters. Zoidberg sighs, and then happens to glance up
into the bar's aquarium. A lobster is sitting on the sand,
looking back at him. Zoidberg's eyes widen and his mouth
drops
open in a sappy smile. It must be love.]

[Back at Leela's table, Amy's trying again, this time with a
floating nebula of glowing light which rotates in its seat,
firing off sparks of power.]

Amy : This is M-5438, an entity of pure energy.

Leela : That's great, really, but he's just not what I'm looking for.

M-5438 : I understand. One day you will evolve beyond your
physical body,
and on that day I hope you will pick up the phone.

[As M-5438 leaves, Bender checks him out with the "gay-dar"
dish.]

Amy : [exasperated, to Leela] You're impossible!

Bender : Just as well. I think he comes from a dimension that's
big on
musical theatre.

[Closing time. Most of the Planet Express crew have paired
off. Amy leaves the club with her arm around M-5438, Dr
Zoidberg leaves with the lobster, and Fry pulls Bender to
one side and hands him money as the 21st-century woman looks
into her compact to adjust her hair.]

Fry : Psst, I need the apartment tonight. Go see a saucy puppet
show.

Bender : Can do!

[The Hip Joint is now empty, apart from the cleaning crew, and
the depressed Leela. As she finishes her drink, sighing, an
elderly janitor sweeps up to her booth and leans on his broom,
smiling wickedly at her.]

Janitor : My my my, what's a beautiful lady like you -- [she
looks up]
oh my L-- waa! I'm sorry, I thought you had two eyes.

[He sweeps quickly away. She lowers her head again.]

[The next day, the gang gather around the briefing table at
Planet Express, waiting for Professor Farnsworth.]

Bender : So Leela, you must've had your pick of the litter last
night at
closing time.

Leela : Could you guys please stop talking about my personal
life?

[The Professor arrives as she's speaking.]

Professor : Yes, let's all talk about Leela's personal life
later. But
right now we have business to attend to.

Fry : A delivery?

Professor : No, a tax-deductible mission of charity.

[He switches on the computer. A holographic image of a distant
planet appears over the table, along with a sign denoting it
as
Vergon 6. A synthesized voice announces "This is Vergon 6."]

Professor : This is Vergon 6.

Amy : [sarcastic] Buh.

Professor : It's a sunny little doomed planet, inhabited by a
number of
frisky little doomed animals.

Leela : Animals?

Professor : That's right, animals in desperate need of rescue.
[computer
animation accompanies his lecture] You see, Vergon 6 was
once filled
with the super-dense substance known as dark matter, each
pound of which weighs over 10,000 pounds.

Leela : Wait, what about the animals?

Professor : Well, dark matter is extremely valuable as starship
fuel.
That's why it was all mined out, leaving the planet completely

hollow.

Leela : Yes, but what about the animals?

Professor : [lost] The wha...?

Leela : The animals!

Professor : I didn't say anything about animals. Now, it seems
the planet
will collapse within three days. Incidentally, this will kill

all the animals.

Lerela : So we have to bring back two of each kind, just like
Noah's Ark?

Bender : Why two? [Leela whispers to him] Oh.
Hee-he-he-he-hee-he-he-hee.

[Later. Farnsworth's ship flies through space, heading for
Vergon 6. Inside, Fry and Bender pass the time on the flight
deck, discussing the subject of the day.]

Fry : I betcha Leela's holding out for a nice guy with one eye.

Bender : That'll take forever. What she oughta do is find a
nice guy
with two eyes and poke one out.

Fry : Yeah, that'd be a time-saver.

Leela : [sitting right behind them] Do you mind?

Bender : [hands her a fork] Here you go. You can use this as
an
eye-poker.

Leela : Thank you, but I don't care how many eyes a man has, as
long as
it's less than five. All I'm looking for is a guy who's
adventurous,
self-confident... maybe a snappy dresser.

[As fortune would have it, they're just passing near the flight
path of the Nimbus, the famous starship captained by the
famous
Zapp Brannigan. Zapp is a blond muscular toyboy who looks
like
he just stepped out of a recruiting poster and knows it. Put
it another way, in a perfect world he'd be voiced by Phil
Hartman;
a moment of silence, please. His first officer, Kif, looks a
little like the legendary abduction Greys, except green, with
ordinary eyeballs, a permanently dispirited slouch and a voice
which covers the gamut of emotions from disgusted through
depressed to resigned. When we first see him, Brannigan is,
unsurprisingly, posing.]

Brannigan : These new uniforms are pretty snappy, eh, first
officer?

Kif : I suppose, captain. I'm not as big a fan of velour as you
are.
[gestures at Farnsworth's ship on the viewscreen] Now, what do
you want
to do about that unidentified ship?

Brannigan : Destroy them!

[He strikes a heroic pose as he gives the command, but then
gets distracted by the play of his new uniform on his bicep.]

Brannigan : Mm, ooh... that's got a nice feel to it.

[End of Act One : 5 min 29 sec]

[Brannigan narrates as the Nimbus hurtles through space.]

Brannigan : Captain's journal, stardate 3000.3.

Kif : Who are you talking to, sir?

Brannigan : You. Aren't you getting this?

[Kif trots out a long-suffering sigh and sits down at the
dictation machine next to the captain's chair. Brannigan
resumes.]

Brannigan : We have detected a vessel attempting to break the
security
cordon around Vergon 6. I'm anticipating an all-out tactical
dogfight,
followed by a light dinner. Ravioli, ham, sundae bar...

[Meanwhile, the Nimbus has come into view through the Planet
Express ship's vacuum shield. Leela is the first to notice
it and points.]

Leela : Hey look, that's Zapp Brannigan's ship.

Fry : Wow, *the* Zapp Brannigan?

Leela : Uh-huh.

Fry : Who's *the* Zapp Brannigan?

[Back on the bridge of the Nimbus.]

Kif : Shall I fire on them now, sir?

Brannigan : Not yet, Kif. In the game of chess, you can never
let your
adversary see your pieces.

Kif : [groans]

Brannigan : What?

[On the bridge of the Planet Express ship. Leela is resting
her head in her hand, a far-away expression in her eye.]

Leela : They say Zapp Brannigan single-handedly saved the
Octillion
System from a horde of rampaging killbots.

Fry : Wow!

Bender : A grim day for robotkind. Eh, but we can always build
more
killbots.

Leela : [continues] He's the most decorated captain in the whole
Democratic Order Of Planets.

Fry : [singsong] Leela's got a boyfriend!

[Leela snaps back to normal.]

Leela : No, I don't. But I think we ought to meet with him and
see if
he'll help us rescue those animals.

Bender : Well, just in case you guys hit it off, you'll wanna
take this
with you. [hands her the eye-poking fork]

[On the bridge of the Nimbus...]

Kif : Sir, they're headed straight for us.

Brannigan : [muses] A well-calculated move, straight out of
Sun-Tzu's
classic text, "The Art of War", or my own masterwork, "Zapp
Brannigan's
Big Book of War". But the one thing their captain doesn't
realize --
and never will -- is that --

Kif : Sir, they've docked with us and have come aboard.

Brannigan : ...Then I've risked all and lost. Kif, old man,
I'll be
in the escape pod. If that wicker chair I like survives the
slaughter,
have it sent to my P.O. box.

[The door of the bridge starts to open before he reaches it,
and he leaps out of the way with a terrified yelp and cowers
behind a nearby officer's chair. Leela leads Fry and Bender
into the bridge and approaches Kif.]

Leela : Hello, I'm Leela, captain of the Planet Express delivery
ship.
We've come aboard to plead for your assistance.

Kif : [politely] Well, if there's anything we can --

[Brannigan pushes in front of him and addresses Leela.]

Brannigan : I'm in command here. [smooth] Zapp Brannigan. Has
my
fame preceded me, or was I too quick for it?

Leela : [gushing] Oh, not at all. I'm just so, uh... really
thrilled
to meet you.

Brannigan : [still smooth, takes her by the hand] You're an
impressive
piece of captain. Beautiful and deadly, a potent combination.

Leela : [flattered] You don't mean that.

Brannigan : But I do. I doubt I've seen more than three or four
captains
sexier than you, and only one who was deadlier.

[Fry interrupts before Brannigan can kiss Leela's hand.]

Fry : I heard one time you single-handedly defeated a horde of
rampaging
somethings, in the something-something system?

Brannigan : The killbots? A trifle. It was simply a matter of
outsmarting them.

Fry : [genuine] Wow, I never would've thought of that.

Brannigan : You see, killbots have a preset kill limit. Knowing
their
weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them until
they reached
their limit and shut down. Kif, show them the medal I won.

[He puffs out his chest with pride and Kif dourly indicates
the only medal present.]

[Fry, Bender and Leela have been invited to dine at the
captain's table. The DOOP flag hangs on the wall behind
them and the rest of the crew eat on a slightly lower level
of the mess -- no surprises there. Kif is grating something
which looks a bit like a pyramid of feta cheese onto the
captain's plate.]

Brannigan : More, please... little more... more... keep going.

Leela : Captain Brannigan, we really need to talk to you about
our
mission.

Brannigan : Whatever it is, I'm willing to put wave after wave
of men
at your disposal. [addresses his crew] Right, men?

Single Distant Voice : You suck!

Leela : We're hoping to save the animals of Vergon 6 from
extinction,
and if you could just --

[But upon hearing that name Brannigan spits out the drink
he'd just started.]

Brannigan : Vergon 6? [stands, firmly] This light dinner is
over!

Leela : Wait, what's wrong?

Brannigan : The Democratic Order Of Planets prohibits
interfering with
undeveloped worlds. It's a little rule known as Brannigan's
Law.

Leela : But people already interfered. That planet was mined
completely
hollow.

Brannigan : Yes, by a Democratic Order Of Planets mining crew.

Leela : This doesn't make any sense!

Brannigan : I don't pretend to understand Brannigan's Law, I
merely
enforce it.

Leela : [snaps] Fine! We'll save the animals without your help!

Brannigan : I'm afraid I can't allow that. [snaps fingers]
Guards!

[Guards seize Leela, Fry and Bender. Fry is interrupted in
mid-chew.]

Fry : What just happened?

Bender : He's throwing us in prison.

Fry : Ah, dang. [holds up dinner plate] Can I get this wrapped
up?

[Brannigan considers the request for a moment and then nods.
Kif rolls his eyes.]

[Fry, Bender and Leela are placed in the brig, along with the
rest of Fry's meal, in a cell with an invisible force shield.
Leela tests the shield with her finger and gets a shock.]

Leela : Ow! [turns back into cell] I might have liked Zapp
Brannigan
if he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw me in prison.

Bender : You really are too picky.

[Meanwhile, Kif is attending Brannigan in a ship's corridor,
near
a convenient rung ladder which leads to an upper deck.]

Brannigan : Kif, follow me up to the observation deck. I've got
some
musing to do.

[He climbs the rung ladder. Kif starts to climb up after him
but while looking up he gets an eyeful of whatever's beneath
Brannigan's extremely abbreviated pair of Space Shorts. He
recoils in disgust.]

Kif : Oh, jeez.

[Nevertheless, Kif reaches the observation deck without going
blind. As the name suggests the deck is a transparent dome
through which the passing stars shine in all their glory, etc.
Brannigan is in a philosophical mood.]

Brannigan : I'm facing a formidable female adversary, Kif.
Suggestions?

Kif : I fail to see any problem, sir. You've already imprisoned
her
under Directive B10.81.

Brannigan : You mean... Brannigan's Law?

Kif : Right. That law.

Brannigan : [prompting] Which one?

Kif : [sighs] Brannigan's Law.

Brannigan : Kif, you're my best and most loyal friend, but
you've earned
my contempt once again. As my protege, you should know that the
only way
to deal with a female adversary is to seduce her.

Kif : [sighs again]

Brannigan : This time we are sure she's a woman, right?

Kif : Yes!

Brannigan : Good! Invite her to my quarters. [starts climbing
back
down the ladder] Oh, and have the boy lay out my formal shorts.

Kif : The boy, sir?

Brannigan : You. You lay out my formal shorts.

[Later, Kif leads Leela through the corridors.]

Kif : The jackass wants to see you in his quarters.

Leela : Good. This will be my chance to reason with him,
captain to
captain.

Kif : And he wants you to wear this.

[He holds up a bra and a pair of thigh-height boots, and
nothing
else. Leela angrily knocks on Brannigan's door.]

Brannigan : [purrs] Come and get it.

[The door slides open and Leela's eye widens at the sight of
Zapp Brannigan's quarters. A huge painting of him (probably
on velvet) hangs above a heart-shaped bed on which Zapp is
sprawled in his dressing gown. The colour of the room is
predominantly red. The room is filled with candles and two
Greek statues appear to be holding up the ceiling in the two
corners which we can see. Two glasses of chapagne stand next
to a bottle in an ice bucket beside Brannigan's bed.]

Brannigan : Mm, welcome to my humble chamber, or as I call it,
the
Love-nasium. [holds up glass of champagne] Champaggen?

Leela : [drily] I didn't realize you were such a coinasewer.

Brannigan : Well, I have studied abroad... or two! Hahahahaha!

[Leela forces a polite chuckle, and while Brannigan drinks his
champagne she tosses hers into the corner and gets down to
business.]

Leela : Captain...

Brannigan : Ah-huh?

Leela : ...if we could speak seriously for a moment...

Brannigan : Ah-huh?

Leela : ...I'd like you to reconsider letting us rescue those
animals.

Brannigan : Mm-hmm.

[Brannigan, smiling seductively, operates a control on the bed,
which rises above the floor and starts to float towards Leela.
Brannigan yawns in a rehearsed manner and doesn't notice when
the bed knocks over his side table. Leela rolls her eye,
winds
her foot around the cord connecting the bed to the wall
socket,
and yanks the plug out. Brannigan's bed crashes to the floor,
but he quickly recovers.]

Brannigan : I like your style. I find it very... [whispers]
erotic.

Leela : What?

Brannigan : [shouts] Erotic!

[His voice echoes into Kit's cramped sleeping quarters, where
the irritated first officer picks up a nearby broom and bangs
the ceiling with it -- this obviously isn't the first time
this sort of thing has happened.]

[Meanwhile, in the cell, Fry gets a bright idea.]

Fry : We can definitely escape, Bender. All you have to do is
bend the
hatch off this steam pipe.

Bender : Hey, yeah!

[He does so, but a blast of heated steam blows out of the
pipe, driving Fry and Bender back and filling the cell within
seconds.]

Fry : No good! It's full of steam!

[Back in Brannigan's quarters, Leela paces impatiently as
Brannigan continues attempting to seduce her.]

Brannigan : You look like a woman who enjoys the finer things in
life.
Come over here and feel my velour bedspread.

Leela : I'm not really in the mood.

Brannigan : [sprawling] Leela, it's real velour. Just let
yourself go.

Leela : [sighs] Can I please just go back to prison?

Brannigan : [amazed] You'd rather sit in prison than spend one
evening with the Zapper?

Leela [firmly] Much rather.

[By now she's turned her back on him, but when she hears an odd
noise, almost like sobbing, she can't help but turn back.
Much
to her surprise, tears are welling up in Brannigan's eyes and
his lower lip is trembling.]

Leela : What are you doing?

Brannigan : I... oh, God, I'm pathetic. Sorry. Just go. [he
rises
dispiritedly and hands her the champagne bottle] You want the
rest of
the champaggen?

Leela : No... and it's pronounced "champagne".

Brannigan : [agonised] Oh God, no! [sobs]

Leela : [concerned] It's not a big deal.

Brannigan : I get so lonely... I just thought you, a fellow
captain,
would understand...

Leela : [embarrassed] Ah, forget it.

Brannigan : ...yeah, it's great ordering people around and
stuff, but
through it all, you're completely alone...

Leela : [trying to help] It comes with the job.

Brannigan : I'm just so lonely! [breaks down sobbing]

Leela : Oh, come on, cheer up. It's not that bad.

[And despite herself, she finds herself putting a comforting
arm around Brannigan's shoulders as his body is racked with
sorrowful weeping.]

[Back in the steam-filled prison cell, Fry and Bender are
lounging about on their bunks, wearing only towels.]

Fry : You wanna try escaping again?

Bender : Nah, I'm comfy.

Fry : Man, Leela's been gone a long time. I hope she's at least
making
progress with Zapp Brannigan.

[Extreme close-up of Leela's head as she slowly opens her eye,
waking. Then she remembers where she is and what she's just
done. She turns to her left, and sees Zapp Brannigan, out
like
a light, with a goofy smile on his face. As the camera pulls
back to reveal them both under the velour sheets of the
floating
heart bed in the Love-nasium, their clothes scattered about on
the floor, Leela starts to scream.]

[End of Act Two : 7 min 25 sec]

[As Zapp snores contentedly, Leela, having dressed, tries to
tiptoe out of his cabin without waking him. He does awaken,
however, and as he turns to face her we see that he's not in
nearly the physical shape he appeared when the uniform was
masking his abdominal muscles (or rather, lack of them).]

Zapp : Good morning, lover.

Leela : Uh, listen, Zapp...

Zapp : [not listening] Now you're officially my woman. Kudos!
I
can't say I don't envy you.

Leela : [delicately] Zapp, last night was a mistake.

Zapp : A sexy mistake!

Leela : No, just a regular mistake. For a split second, my
common
sense was overwhelmed by pity.

Zapp : [chuckles] A split second is all it takes. That's why,
sooner
or later, you'll come crawling back to the Zapper. [clicks
tongue]

Leela : The only kind of crawling I'm doing to you is away!
From.

Zapp : Leela, you're obviously confused and aroused.

Leela : Look, I'm going down to Vergon 6 to save those animals,
whether
you like it or not!

Zapp : Go ahead. I won't stop you.

Leela : Threaten all you -- wait, what?

Zapp : [confident] We both know you won't make it halfway to
Vergon 6
before... the Craving sets in. Then, you'll come crawling back
for
another taste of sweet, sweet candy. [touches finger to his
hip] Bam!

Leela : Eurgh!

[She storms out. Zapp laughs and rises, stretching.]

Zapp : Hahaha. [calls] Kif!

Kif : [arrives] Yes -- [sees nude Zapp, recoils] -- ohrrg.
Yes,
captain?

Zapp : I have made it with a woman! Inform the men.

[Kif and Leela return to the cell. As Kif switches off the
force field a cloud of steam rises to the ceiling of the
corridor and dissipates. Fry emerges, pulling on his shirt,
and is followed by Bender.]

Kif : The fatso says you're free to go.

Fry : Really? Why?

Kif : [drily, glancing at Leela] Why indeed. [leaves]

Fry : What does that mean?

Leela : [quickly] Nothing.

Bender : So should we get our stuff and head down to the planet?

Leela : We just talked, okay?

[The Planet Express ship emerges from the Nimbus docking bay,
descends through the yellow-green atmosphere of Vergon 6 and
lands in a somewhat Dr-Seuss-like landscape. The trees have
bushy orange-pink leaves, the ground is greenish brown and
the sky, as has been mentioned, is yellowish-green. The
ground
cracks alarmingly, like fine china, when the ship touches
down.
Leela, Fry and Bender emerge from the cargo hold, armed with
butterfly nets and a checklist.]

Leela : All right, we don't have much time to collect these
animals.
The planet is supposed to collapse in approximately... [checks
watch]
two hours ago.

[The first animal on the checklist is a "Purple Fruit Snake".
Bender walks across the surface of the planet, net poised,
carefully scanning the grass... and then hears a hissing noise
and turns just as a six-metre long snake with eight eyes
swoops
down and swallows him whole. Muttering to himself, Bender
stands up inside the snake's body and walks back to the ship,
dragging the bemused snake with him.]

[The "Windy Shrimp" is tiny, about the size of Fry's two fists
together, but the force of its breath is out of all proportion
to the size of its body. Fry gamefully battles the gale-force
winds coming out of its mouth, but just as he's within
grabbing
distance he loses his balance and is blown right out of
frame.]

[Leela tries to corral a "Four-Legged Mimic", a creature with a
skin tone just like hers, one eye just like hers, a lipsticked
mouth just like hers, and a purple mane just like her hair.
Fry
approaches with a net, and Leela and the Mimic point at each
other. Fry looks at the clothed bipedal Leela and the horse-
like quadrupedal Mimic, and then throws the net over Leela.]

[As Leela checks the "Molotov Cockatoo" off the list, she hears
a chittering sound coming from the bushes. A tiny bipedal
creature with two eyes set in its head and a third eye on a
stalk is peering out from behind the bushes, staring at her
curiously. Leela is immediately charmed.]

Leela : Hello there!

[The tiny animal makes snuffling noises, approaches and brushes
up around her feet like a nervous cat. Leela checks the
list.]

Leela : Hm, he doesn't seem to be on the checklist.

Bender : So, you saying we can cook him?

Fry : Yeah, barbecue! I'll wear my hilarious apron!

Leela : No! I don't care how hilarious your apron is, we're not
cooking him! [the creature picks up a small rock and starts
chewing
on it] Aww... I'll call him Nibbler.

Bender : Awww... [whispers to Fry] I'll fire up the grill.

[Leela and Fry take Nibbler to the cargo hold.]

Leela : I hope he'll be okay in there with all those big
animals.

[Fry opens the door a crack and Leela places Nibbler inside.
As Fry closes the door, Nibbler scratches under his armpit
and turns around. His expression as he and the other animals
regard each other is unreadable. A large, green, slavering
dinosaur-like creature waddles towards Nibbler, snarling, its
mouth open. Nibbler regards it with his usual unchanging
expression, sniffs curiously for a moment, and then opens
his mouth wide. Really wide. And eats the entire dinosaur
thing, snarfling it down with extremely graphic eating
noises. There is no change in his own body volume.]

[Meanwhile, on the Nimbus, Zapp is watching Leela through a
telescope on the observation deck.]

Zap : Mm. [turns to Kif] You know, Kif, once my woman returns
I won't
have much time to hang out with the boys any more.

Kif : [seeming almost genuine] That's a shame, sir.

Zapp : So let's make the most of our time together, shall we?

[There is a brief pause.]

Zapp : Never mind. Just give me a back rub.

[Kif buries his head in his hands.]

[Back on Vergon 6, Bender walks up to Fry and Leela, carrying
a flamingo with a single body and two heads -- one head with
fluttery eyelashes, the other with a moustache.]

Bender : I found a pair of hermaphlamingos.

Leela : Good, that's the last species.

[Leela opens the door of the cargo hold, but as she, Fry and
Bender start to enter they halt in the doorway, startled by
what they're seeing. Nibbler is standing in the middle of
the hold, regarding them with his usual blank expression.
There are no other animals in the hold whatsoever.]

Bender : Hey, what the --

Fry : Where'd they all go?

[Bender puts down the hermaphlamingos. Nibbler sniffs at them
and then opens wide. Fry, Leela and Bender recoil in disgust
at the eating display that follows.]

Leela : [shocked] Nibbler!

Fry : I can't believe we flew halfway acros sthe galaxy and
enjoyed a
steam just to get lunch for that stupid animal!

Bender : [rolling up sleeves] He's pending for a benidng!

[Nibbler skitters away as Bender approaches, and seeks shelter
on Leela's boots, chattering in apparent fear.]

Leela : Leave him alone! It's not his fault that he's an
unstoppable
killing machine! [to Nibbler, babytalk] Is it, snoogums?

[Before they can argue, the ship quakes and a loud rumbling
sound is heard. Fry starts to panic.]

Fry : The planet's kerploding!

[He turns and makes a run for it through the wrong door, and
falls several metres to the surface of the planet. The ground
cracks when he hits it and he nearly falls through into the
planet's hollow core. Fortunately he manages to keep a grip
on the edge of the hole, and Bender pulls him back. They all
return to the bridge.]

Leela : Prepare for liftoff!

[But as she turns the key the engine vainly revs and fails to
turn over. She sees the fuel gauge quivering on "empty".]

Leela : We're out of fuel! Bender, I told you to fill the tank
before
we left!

Bender : Eh, I'll do it when we get back.

[The ship shudders again. Cracks are spreading across the
surface, steadily drawing closer to the ship.]

Fry : Man, lucky for us Zapp Brannigan's nearby.

Leela : No way, forget it. I refuse to go crawling back to him!

Fry : What? What are you talking about?

Leela : [quickly] Nothing. We just talked.

Bender : So what's your problem? It's not like you slept with
him.

[There is a very long pause indeed. Fry's mouth drops open.
Leela hangs her head in embarrassment.]

Bender : Oh.... my.... *God*.

Fry : Oh, how could you, Leela? I thought you had some
standards!
I mean, jeez, he's a dumb, gross gorilla.

Leela : That's enough! don't you think I feel bad enough
already?

Fry : No!

[The ship shudders again, and this time the rumbling from
outside is louder. Leela gives in as Fry begins to panic.]

Leela : All right, all right, I'll call him! I mean, if living
is
that important to you.

[She presses a button on the arm of the captain's chair and the
communications unit descends from the ceiling. Leela picks up
a telephone handset and punches in the Nimbus' communications
code number. On the Nimbus, Zapp and Kif have returned to the
bridge.]

Zapp : ...and that's why you'll never make captain, Kif.

[The viewscreen behind him lights up with the indication
"incoming call". As Zapp turns towards the screen with
an interested "Hm", the picture resolves into Leela at
her chair.]

Leela : Hello, Zapp.

Zapp : Well, well, well.

Leela : Zapp, we're out of fuel, and Vergon 6 is about to
implode.
[reluctantly] We need your help.

Zapp : So, crawling back to the Big "Z" like a bird on its
belly.
Delicious.

Leela : Birds don't crawl.

Zapp : [defensively] They've been known to.

Leela : Look, are you going to rescue us or not?

Zapp : Can't you ask a little more ... sexfully?

[Leela's eye narrows. She glances at Fry and Bender, who
silently but urgently motion her to go on. She sighs.]

Leela : Pleeease... Big "Z"?

Zapp : [satisfied] Certainly. But first you'll have to get rid
of
that... thing.

[He points at Nibbler, who's perched on the seat behind Leela's
shoulder. Nibbler makes a querying sound.]

Zapp : That's the law, Leela, and Brannigan's Law is like
Brannigan's
love -- hard and fast. Now put that greasy rat outside and
we'll tow
you to safety.

Leela : [furious] I would never abandon a helpless animal!
Y'know, Zapp,
once I thought you were just a big pompous buffoon. Then I
realized that
inside you were just a pitiful child. But now I realize that
outside
that child is a big pompous buffoon!

Zapp : [smooth] And which one rocked your world?

[With a groan of pure disgust Leela hangs up.]

Fry : Wow, way to tell that guy off! Now what's your secret
escape plan?

Lelea : Uh, I guess to sit here and wait for death.

Bender : Can do!

[As he puts his feet up on the console there is a thud and
the ship drops a few inches. This time seems different from
the other quakes, however; it's more abrupt, almost as though
somebody has dropped something heavy on the ship.]

Bender : What the hell was that?

[They go to the rear of the ship to investigate, and find
Nibbler standing next to a small kitty-litter sandbox. He
chitters at them as they stare at the small black dot, about
the size and shape and colour of a candy blackball, sitting
in the sandbox. Fry wrinkles his nose and waves his hand
about to disperse the smell.]

Fry : Phew!

Leela : I don't believe it, it's dark matter!

Bender : So this guy just unloaded a steaming pile of starship
fuel?

Leela : His species must have filled the entire planet with it!
[speaks
babytalk to Nibbler] Did you do that, you cute little --

[The ship shudders again. Leela picks up Nibbler, straight
back to business immediately.]

Leela : Come on, that should be more than enough fuel to get us
out of
here. Bender, pick that up and put it in the engine.

Bender : [mocking mutter] "Bender, pick it up and put it in the
engine..."

[Bender takes a plastic glove out of his chest cavity, pulls
it on, and grabs the ball of dark matter. He's unable to
actually lift it, but does manage to drag it to the Dark
Matter Containment Chamber ("Warning : Cover Nose"). Fry
follows him and opens the door of the furnace, and with one
mighty heave Bender tosses the tiny speck of dark matter in.
The flames in the furnace leap high, the fuel gauge snaps up
to "full", and Leela does whatever the spaceship equivalent
of putting the pedal to the metal is. The ship leaps off the
surface of the planet as the ground crumbles and falls away
beneath it, and hurtles away from Vergon 6. Behind it, the
planet crumples up like a wad of used radioactive Kleenex,
glows with light, contracts and explodes. Fragments of former
planet fly past the Planet Express crew as the crew cheer
their narrow escape.]

Leela : We made it! And some of the animals survived!

[She's looking through one eye of a pair of binoculars to see
that five different animals are standing on, or floating
nearby,
one of the planetary fragments.]

Bender : So a couple of animals didn't die and Leela got lucky.
That's
what I call a successful mission.

Fry : We're heroes!

[Later, as Farnsworth's ship approaches Earth, Nibbler sleeps
contentedly in Leela's lap as she writes up her impressions
of the journey.]

Leela : Dear Captain's Diary, I may not have found love on this
mission,
but I did find a cute little companion who excretes starship
fuel, and
that's just as good.

[She pauses, then with a groan she tears that particular page
out of her diary, crumples it up, and tosses it in the trash.]

[Meanwhile, the Nimbus continues on to adventures new...]

Zapp : Captain's journal, stardate... uh...

Kif : [disgusted] Oh... April thirteenth.

Zapp : April thirteenth!...point two. We have failed to uphold
Brannigan's Law, but I did make it with a hot alien babe. And
in the
end, is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up
at
the stars? [pause] Kif, I'm asking you a question.

Kif : [groans]

[End of Act 3]