Jokes ---- Tarun's Homepage

The Smartest Dog Ever As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

Little Red Riding Hood's Observations
One day, Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest when she sees a wolf sitting under a tree with his ears erect and his mouth stretched in a big toothy grin. She says to the wolf, "My, what big ears you have!"
The wolf just grins and looks a bit wild about the eyes.

She says, "My, what big eyes you have!"

The wolf grins a bit wider and looks slightly harassed.

She says, "My, what big teeth you have!"

The wolf pulls himself together, looks her in the eye and says, "Fuck off! I'm trying to take a dump!"

Adam Talks All About Eve
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman meant to him and how blessed he felt to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?

God: So you would always want to look at her.

Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?

God: So you would always want to touch her.

Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?

God: So you would always want to be near her.

Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?

God: So she would love you.

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently
all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few. "

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought
I'd gone deaf."

12 Shots
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the
altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest,
brightest smile on his face.

The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting
married, but what's up - you look so excited."

The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in
my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to
me."

The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest,
brightest smile on her face.

The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you
are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited."

The bride replies "I have just given the last blow job of my entire
life."

He Thinks He's the Boss
Two newlyweds were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers," she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."

Desperate Measures
A man was stranded on an island for two years, and of course, two years without sex would just about kill a man.
But one day he looks out over the ocean and spies a ship. He begins to jump up and down proclaiming, ''Ship!, Ship!, I'm saved!''

Then he starts fantasizing, saying, ''I bet there's a hot, busty blonde on board with a round shapely ass and smooth legs.''

Just then he gets a throbbing hard on.

So he begins to masturbate furiously, and he looks down at his dick and says,''I've got you now you little bastard, there is no ship!''

Dumb and Dumber
A father, mother, and son were in Europe and decided they'd visit some nude beaches.
They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him that men with really big units and girls with really big breasts were both really dumb.

When they got to the beach they split up. Later, the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was.

The boy said, "Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really dumb blonde, and the longer they talked, the dumber he got."

The Three Stars
Tom Cruise, Steven Seagal, and Alec Baldwin were in a jungle filming a movie. Sadly, they were taken prisoner by the local tribe. As they were about to be executed, they begged the queen of the tribe for mercy.
She considered their plea and said, "Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed." The three stars looked at each other and agreed. They then went into the jungle to look for some food.

Tom Cruise was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. She tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of them up his bum. They did and he cried out in pain.

Seagal was the next to arrive with some yummy apples. The same thing happened to him, but curiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his bum.

Tom Cruise was shocked. Here he was howling in pain, but Seagal was still laughing. Tom asked him, "What the hell is so funny?"

Seagal, still laughing, replied, "Alec is coming back with four pineapples."

The Ultimate Guy Quiz

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:

a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend could ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

a) impossible - she looks too gorgeous!
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a) probably needs more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

Score 1 point for every answer "a"
Score 2 points for every answer "b"
Score 3 points for every answer "c"

Your Score

10 points: You are a saint, a liar, or a eunuch.
11-20 points: You are an average joe. Good luck in the battle of the sexes.
21-30 points: You are a real man's man. Your fear of intimacy with women and your love of men's sports screams latent homosexuality. You need a nice she-male dominatrix to teach you respect.
31-40 You can't add.

Redneck Fishing Secrets
Two rednecks are fishing on their respective sides of the crick. Just as soon as one redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank. The other was catching nothing, so he yelled out, "Buddy, I'd sure like to be on your side of the crick!"
"Aight, tell ya whut, I'll shine my flashlight 'cross this river, and you can walk across this little beam of light!" the redneck yelled back.

The other replied, "T'ain't no way, buddy. I know you think I'm a fool! When I get halfway 'cross, you'll turn your flashlight off!"

Little Red Riding Hood's Observations
One day, Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest when she sees a wolf sitting under a tree with his ears erect and his mouth stretched in a big toothy grin. She says to the wolf, "My, what big ears you have!"
The wolf just grins and looks a bit wild about the eyes.

She says, "My, what big eyes you have!"

The wolf grins a bit wider and looks slightly harassed.

She says, "My, what big teeth you have!"

The wolf pulls himself together, looks her in the eye and says, "Fuck off! I'm trying to take a dump!"

Bungee Jumping In Mexico
Two Americans, Bob and Jeff, decide to open a bungee-jumping business in Mexico.
They set up on the square of a small village. Bob jumps, bounces at the end of the cord, and flies back up by the platform. Jeff isn't able to catch his friend, but he notices he has a few cuts and scratches.

Bob falls again, bounces, and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses him. The third time it happens, Bob comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Jeff finally catches him and says, "Holy cow, what happened? Was the cord too long?"

Bob looks confused and says, "No, the cord was fine... but what the heck is a pinata?"

10 Things That Piss Me Off
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.

3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

4. When people say, "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too. "Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

5. When people say, "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

6. When people say, while watching a movie, "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the ceiling?

7. The radio ad: "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't." Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake

8. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, didja there buddy?

9. When something is "new and improved." Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you fucking pulled me over.

Handicap Golf
A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?"
The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, "No, you CANNOT play through." He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, "I can't believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!"

The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.

Mechanic

A guy is driving down a desert highway when his car overheats. He
manages to make it to a rest area with a gas station and a store. He
pulls into the gas station and tells the mechanic of his problem. The
mechanic tells him he'll look at it but that it'll be about 1/2 an
hour.

The guy walks across the road to the store and gets an ice cream cone.
After about a half hour he goes back to the garage and walks up to the
mechanic who says "Looks like you blew a seal"

Wiping off his chin, the guy says "No, that’s just ice cream."

GENUINE COURT TRANSCRIPT...

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere.

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited." The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited." The bride replies "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."

Peeing in the Pool A boy was at a public pool. The lifeguard blew his whistle at the boy and yelled, "Hey! Don't pee in the pool!" The boy replied, "But everybody does it!" "Not from the diving board!" shouted the lifeguard.

One day Reverend Smith went to visit Mrs. Jones, one of the elder parishoners in his church. When he arrived she asked him to wait in the parlor while she went to the kitchen to get refreshments for their visit. Reverend Smith, while waiting in the parlor, happened to notice that on top of Mrs. Jones' organ was sitting a bowl which contained a condom floating in water. A confused Reverend Smith (after Mrs. Jones returned) couldn't help himself and asked her to explain this to him. "Oh, Reverend Smith," she replied, "I found that lying on the street corner and the package said that if you put it on your organ and keep it wet that it will prevent disease and frankly, I haven't been sick all year."

Desperate Measures
A man was stranded on an island for two years, and of course, two years without sex would just about kill a man.

But one day he looks out over the ocean and spies a ship. He begins to jump up and down proclaiming, ''Ship!, Ship!, I'm saved!''

Then he starts fantasizing, saying, ''I bet there's a hot, busty blonde on board with a round shapely ass and smooth legs.''

Just then he gets a throbbing hard on.

So he begins to masturbate furiously, and he looks down at his dick and says,''I've got you now you little bastard, there is no ship!''

Happy Anniversary

Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather
stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an
anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following
their leads. He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a
sugar shaker towards his wife's cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?" Joe
thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.
Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some
honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?" Again Joe
thought this was good stuff. Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat,
stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said, "Ham, pig?"

Grandma's Trip to Victoria's Secret
Grandma went into Victoria's Secret and wanted to buy some fancy new panties. The saleslady talked her into buying a real nice, bright red crotchless pair. Grandma put them on and waited for grandpa to come home.
When grandpa came home, grandma was all laid out on the bed. She pointed down to the new crotchless panties she had on and said, "Come on grandpa, you want some of this?"

Grandpa said, "Hell no, woman. Look what it did to your drawers!"

Blind Man

4 nuns were assigned to paint a room in a church. It was a really hot
day and the nuns were getting really hot in those black clothes they
wear so they took off their clothes and continued to paint...sans
clothing.

Later they heard a knock on the door.... "Who is it???", The man who
knocked replied, "I'm the blind man". So, the nuns decided to let him
in since he would not be able to see them. The nuns let him into the
room.... The man then looked around the room, then looked at them and
said, "Nice tits sisters, where do you want the blinds??"

Texas Choking Victim
Two Texans were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard an awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down an Armadillo Burger too fast. The first Texan said to the other, "Think we ought ta' help?"
"Yep," said the second Texan. The first Texan got up, hitched up his jeans and walked over to the lady. He asked, "Kin yew breathe?"

She shook her head no. "Kin yew speak?" he asked. She again shook her head no.

With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt, and started to lick her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe.

The first Texan turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time!"

Cat On A Hot Tin Roof
A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, he called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, "I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."
The man was very upset and yelled, "You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away."

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked the man.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."

Good Doggie

One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse
slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse,
which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog,
and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and
asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied.
"I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died."

Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man
replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."
Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man,
"Can I borrow your dog?"

To which the man replied, "Get in line."

Joe's Nutsack
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your nuts up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Blonde with Money
A blonde and a brunette were opening their paychecks when the blonde asked the brunette what she was going to buy.
The brunette replied, "I think I'll buy a new set of plates because mine are chipped. What are you going to buy?"

The blonde said, "Oh well the, I guess I'm gonna buy a new butt, because my old one has an enormous crack in it."

A blind man walked into a shop and suddenley started spinning his
guide dog around over his head.
Surprised, the shop keeper said 'Can I help you sir?'
The blind man replied 'No thanks, I'm just looking!'

The Perils of Autoeroticism
A boy was playing with himself in the bathtub when his father walked in and said, "Son, if you don't stop doing that, you'll go blind."
The boy said, "Dad, I'm over here."

Making a Good Impression
Don't Say This to Your New Girlfriend's Parents...
1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.
2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?
3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?
4. Can you believe it! Those idiots at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!
5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.
6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.
7. Sara is so pretty that I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?
9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.
10. Can I pull my car into your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.

In the back woods of West Virginia, the redneck's wife went into labor
in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called to assist in the
delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-
to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what
I'm doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there,"
said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think
there's yet another one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had
delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be
putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in
there!" cried the doctor.
The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
"Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

Cow Pat Lip Gloss
An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and headed for the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" the sheriff asked.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

A Sad Story
A news reporter decided to do a column on old Southern stories. He goes to the hills of Kentucky and finds an old guy sitting on his porch. "Do you have any stories you can share with me?"
The old guy says, "Of course I do. One time old Bob's goat got loose, so we set up a search team to find it. We sat around and had a few beers and then went looking for it. We found it, then we all screwed it."

"Well I can't put a story like that in the paper. Do you have any others - maybe a happy story?" asked the reporter.

"Sure do," said the man, "One time old Bubba's cow got loose. We set up a search party to find it. Once again, we had a few beers, looked for the cow, then we screwed it once we found it."

"Well, I can't put that in the paper either. Do you have any sad stories?"

"Sure do. One time I got lost!"

Can I See the Manager?

This tall, beautiful woman coyly asks to see the manager of a bar. The
bartender is interested in this woman and decides to handle the matter
himself. He says, "What can I do for you?" She walks closer, which
gets him more excited. "No, I don't think you can help me," she purrs,
"I really have to talk to the manager." By this time she's leaned onto
the bar, thus showing some of her cleavage. The bartender says, "I'm
sorry, but the manager isn't avaiable right now, but I'll be happy to
help you any way I can." So she gets a bit closer to him and starts
rubbing her hands through his hair and across his lips. The bartender
is very turned on now and says breathlessly, "So what is it that I can
do for you?" She gets even closer and allows the bartender to suck
slowly on her fingers. Then she says, "Can you tell your manager
there's no toilet paper in the ladies' room?"

The Witty Truck Driver
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads "low bridge ahead." He tries to turn off but, before he knows
it, the bridge is right there and he gets stuck under it. Cars are
backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks
around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
stuck huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out
of gas"

Dirty Jokes and Beer
A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink. A few minutes later, a man walks in and sits down beside her. He notices that she's a little depressed and asks her what's wrong.
"My boyfriend dumped me because he thought I was too kinky."

"Wow! What a coincidence! My girlfriend dumped me because she thought I was too kinky," he replies.

So they start talking, and find that they have a lot in common. After a few more drinks, they start feeling a little frisky and he decides to go home with her. Once they walk into her house, she excuses herself to go ''slip into something a little more comfortable." She dresses up in her leather mask, rubber bra with the nipples cut out, thigh high leather boots, everything. She grabs her whip and walks back into the living room and sees him putting his coat back on, getting ready to leave.

"Hey, where are you going? I thought we were going to get kinky!"

The man looks at her all confused and says, "I all ready fucked your dog and shat in your purse -- what more do you want?"

Secret Genie
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar.
He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one.

"I sure do" he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled
out a 12" Bic lighter.

"Wow" said his friend. "where did you get that monster?"

"I got it from the genie".

"You have a genie?" he asked.

"Yeah, he is right here in my golf bag".

"Could I see him?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.
The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master, will you
grant me a wish?"

"Yes I will", says the genie.

So the guy asks for one million bucks. The genie hops back into
the bag leaving the guy standing there waiting for the million bucks.
Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of one million
ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend turns to his golfing partner "I asked for a million bucks,
not a million ducks!"

His buddy says. "Hell, I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing,
Do you really think I would have asked him for a 12" Bic!"

Hinges - What a Funny-Looking Word
A couple just got a new house. The husband turned to his wife and ask her to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge for him. She kindly agreed and left.
When she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and put it on the counter in front of the clerk. He noticed that she didn't have any screws for it, so he asked her, "Do you want a screw for that hinge?"

She looked back at him and said, "No, but I'll blow you for that toaster in the window."

Moms and Their Snooping
Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.
The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter's room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"

"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter's room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"

"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter's room last week and you'll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms!"

I didn't even know that she had a penis!

Blondes working on a house
Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing
down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail
and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other,
figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you
throwing those nails away?"

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's
pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If
it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"

The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You moron!
The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the
other side of the house!"

Little Johnny's Mom's Vital Signs
Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is.

Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?"

To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and then sends him to his room.

On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"

One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping
towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had
never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear
was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the
only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes.
Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the
male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart
from me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put
it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his
wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the
bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and
roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for
such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money
and bought the bike.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish
that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said,

"I wish that the bear was gay."

Freudian Slips
A man was sitting on a bus looking ashamed. The man next to him noticed and asked what the matter was.
He said that when he went to buy the bus ticket, the woman serving him had the most unbelievable breasts, so he got flustered and asked for two tickets to Tittsburgh instead of Pittsburgh.

The man next to him laughed and said, ''Don't worry about that. We all make Freudian slips. This morning I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say, 'Pass the salt,' but I accidentally said, 'You fucking bitch, you ruined my life.'"

Soda Machine
There was this beautiful young blonde walking up to a pop machine. A
man decided to stand back and watch her. Well she put some money in,
pushed the button, and a can of soda fell out. Then she put some more
money in, pushed the button and another pop came out. She did this
over, and over, and over, and over again, until she had a whole pile
of soda cans lying all around her. Curious, the man walked up to her
and says, "Why do you keep putting more money in, don’t you think you
have enough pop already?"

The blonde answers back "I can't quit now ... I’m winning"

Hide the Duke
Joe met his girlfriend's parents for the first time at their house over dinner. After the meal, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the Joe's chair. Unfortunately, after the hearty meal, Joe really had to fart. He stealthily let out a slow, barely audible, fart.
"Duke!" the dad yelled.

"This is great!" thought Joe. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.

"Duke!" the father barked. Joe thought he was home free so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

"Duke! Get out of there before Joe craps on you!"

Nunsense
A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession.
"Today Father Goodwin told me I had the gates of Heaven between my legs, and that he had the Key to Heaven. Then opened my gates with his key."

"That bastard!" says Mother Superior. "He told me it was Gabriel's trumpet, and I've been blowing it."

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On0
their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm
still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been
married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how
great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it
was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back
to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art
method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew
how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was
never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss
him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Manroot
There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, but he left his willy sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, and upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, they stopped in front of it. One lady began to move it around with her cane, while remarking to the other lady, "There is no justice in this world."

Her friend asked her what she meant.

"Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about it. Now I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat!"

Atheist's Prayer
As an atheist walked through the forest, he smiled at the beauty that was all around him and said, "What natural wonders the powers of evolution have created."
Just then he heard a rustling near the river. He went to investigate and a 7-foot-tall grizzly bear was tearing down the path towards him him. The man took off like a shot, and when he got up the courage to look back, he saw the bear was catching up fast.

He tried with all his strength to pick up the pace, but he tripped and crashed to the ground. As he tried to get up, the bear jumped on his chest and picked up one paw to whack him.

The atheist screamed, "Oh my God!!!"

Time stopped! The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice boomed from the heavens, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," the voice said.

The light went out, the river ran again, and the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped its right paw, brought both paws together, bowed its head and spoke:

"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He
was glad for the interlude, because it taught him how much his wife
loved him.

She was so thrilled to have him around, that when a delivery man or
the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, "My husband's home! My
husband's home!"

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one
another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one
asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage
for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in
the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each
other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm
going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life
for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a
clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the
bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter,
and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues
emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at
them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue
and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll
shit on its head."

A folk musician dies and finds himself standing third in line at the
Pearly Gates. The angel explains that admission requirements are now a
bit more strict, as a few slum landlords and con artists have managed
to slip into Heaven without being detected.

He queries the first candidate, "What was your annual salary, and what
was your profession?"

"I made $150,000 as an attorney," comes the reply.

"You may enter," says the angel.

Second candidate, same question.

"I made $95,000, I was a Realtor."

He is also permitted to enter. Now it is the musician's turn.

"My annual salary was $8,000."

"Cool!" replies the angel, "and what instrument did you play?"

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her
bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully
says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty-four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow
to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what
happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror on
the door, make my penis touch the floor!"

Again, there is a bright flash and...... both his legs fall off.

Little Johnny's Time of the Month
Little Johnny walks into a pharmacy and brings a box of tampons to the register.
The cashier looks at the boy and says, "Hi. Are these for your mom?"

Little Johnny thinks for a moment and says, "Umm, no."

The cashier says, "Oh. Then they're for your sister?"

Little Johnny says, "Naw."

The cashier, now a bit curious, says, "Oh. Then they must be for your granny!"

Little Johnny says, "Nope."

The cashier is now really confused. Finally she asks, "Well, what are you going to do with them?"

Little Johnny says, "Well, I'm not sure yet. But on TV, they said if I buy these I can go fishing and swimming and horseback riding!"

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a
couple of strokes.

The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next
putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth
of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be
meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says,
"Okay," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an
eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth
another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure."

He makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win.

Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says,
"Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this
match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle. As the golfer walks
to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know,
I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am.
I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life." "Nice to
meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

A Firm Handshake
At the nursing home, Abe and Edna had struck up a romantic relationship. Since both of them were in their eighties, their physical contact was rather limited. However, every evening as they sat together on the sofa, Edna would unzip Abe's fly, pull out his penis and hold it in her hand for twenty minutes. This satisfied the two of them adequately.
One day, Abe told Edna it was all off. He told her he was leaving her for Mabel - one of the other old dears at the nursing home. Naturally, Edna was a little miffed.

"Heavens! What's she got that I haven't got?" she asks.

"Parkinson's," said Abe.

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly
sobbing.

"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said
the girl.

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.

The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."

Madonna, Britney and Christina
Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.
Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says, "I'm going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy."

Not to be outdone, Britney rips a $1000 bill in half and throws it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."

Not even noticing Britney's stupid move, Christina brags, "Look, I'm going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier."

At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."

Blonde in a Car
A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, "I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?"
"Why sure," said the manager, "we have something that works especially well for that."

A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice. "No, no! A little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car

Laying down the law

A man and a woman are getting married tomorrow. The man's father pulls
him into the other room and tells the groom, "Son, from the very
beginning you have to make sure your wife knows who is the boss."

On their honeymoon, the wife comes into the room dressed very
seductively. The husband throws his pants at her and tells her to put
them on.

The wife says "I will never be able to fit in these, they are much too
big." He responds "Exactly, now you know who wears the pants in the
family."

She is very distraught as she runs into the bathroom. Moments later, she
comes back out and throws her petite sized underwear at him and tells him
to put them on.

He exclaims "These would never fit, I can't get into these."

She responds "EXACTLY!!"

Money Shot
A man goes into a sperm bank and says, "I'd like to make a deposit please."
The doctor says, "Go and fill this up," and gives the man a bottle.

Three days later the man returns to the sperm bank, marches into the doctor's office and says,

"I've tried with my left hand and tried with my right hand. My wife has tried with her left hand and her right hand. My mother-in-law has tried with a rubber glove on and even took her teeth out and tried with her mouth, AND NONE OF US CAN GET THE TOP OFF THAT BOTTLE!"

Engineering In Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his
dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong
place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty
soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in
hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile,
they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the
engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,
"So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling
what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he
should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where
are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Would You Marry Again, Scummy?
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"
The man said, "No dear."

The woman said, "I'm sure you would."

So the man said, "Okay, I would"

Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."

Then the woman asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

And the man replied, "No, she's left handed."

The Seven Dwarves Go to Rome
The seven dwarves are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the Pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say. He keeps asking the Pontiff questions about the church and, in particular, the nuns. "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" Grumpy asks.
"No, my son, all of our nuns are at least five feet tall," smiles the Pope.

"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"

"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"

"No reason," replies Grumpy. "But you're positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, maybe two-and-a-half feet tall?"

"I'm sure, my vertically-challenged son," says the Pope, trying not show his curiosity.

"Okay," moans Grumpy.

So the Pope listens to the dwarves as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarves.

Grumpy mutters, "He said they don't have any."

And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"