Not mine, no profit, don't sue. Don't ask me what came over me, I'm still trying to figure it out. If I ever do, I'll let you know... In any event, let me present to you (Slayers Style) a classic fairy tale of...
Sleeping Blue Beauty
by LN
Zelgadis ::reads script:: Who's idea was it that we do Sleeping Beauty?
Xelloss: I believe that nice lady sitting there in front of that thing she calls a keyboard. ^_^
Rezo: Do I have a part? And where is my staff? I need my staff. And does my hair look alright?
Zelgadis. Your hair never looked alright, and it's your fault I have this stupid looking style now!
Xelloss: Have you considered Lilt? ^_^
Zelgadis: Why you...
Boys... men... things... whatever. I'm ready to start now...
Zelgadis: Just one thing, who's got the lead?
Um... well...
Xelloss: Interesting title... "Sleeping Blue Beauty." ^_^
Zelgadis: SOMEONE IS GOING TO DIE!
But at least Xelloss isn't the handsome prince who has to wake you up with a kiss...
Zelgadis: I don't want to be... wait a minute, there's only three of... us... ::glances at Rezo:: I'll kill myself first.
What do you think I am, sick?
Xelloss: Yes. ^_^
Well, okay, but I'm not THAT sick.
Rezo: ::snaps fingers:: Darn.
Minna: ::sweatdrops::
Ye-ah. Anyway, Zel, calm down. Rezo, no incest today. Xelloss... whatever. You do what you want anyway...
Xelloss: ^_^
::takes deep breath:: Wish me luck.
Xelloss: Break a leg, I need the snack. ^_^
Zelgadis: ::grumbles::
Rezo: How's my hair?
Um... anyway...
Once upon a time a darling baby boy was born to some as-yet-to-be-seen parents. They threw a small party for a few friends, but forgot to invite the blind priest Rezo. This was partially due to the fact that they didn't know if they should make the invite out to "grandfather" or "great-grandfather." The accidental snub didn't really bother the red priest, but the writer bitched and complained enough to make him go just to shut her up...
"Damned fic writers won't let a body stay cold in the ground like it should..."
::writer holds up fanfic contracts::
"Alright, alright, I'm going."
Leaving the demented writer behind, Rezo crashed the party. He arrived just as a strange, smiling priest was about to grant the tyke a gift.
"What the hell are you doing here, Xelloss? Don't you have a few dragons to kill or something?"
"Did that last week, and I couldn't pass down an opportunity to 'help' Zel-kun." ^_^ "Besides, he's adorable... Coochie coochie coo..."
Rezo made a face as the now infant Zel tried his best to Ra Tilt the Mazoku. "Ye-ah. Well, if I want to get out of here... I have a possession meeting to go to. 'How to deal with your Inner Demon Lord.' So..." He clears his throat. "When this child turns fifteen, he will prick his finger on a... hey, what is a spindle anyway?"
"Didn't you read the script? It's one of those things they use in fairy tales as props." ^_^
"Uh, yeah. Well, I just make the curses... Finger, prick, spindle..."
"In that order?" ^_^
"Grr... He dies. Happy? Now I really have to get out of here. Shabby gives me a headache if I'm late to this meeting..."
"Quite right. Tell our Lord and Master I said hello." ^_^
Rezo scowls, beating a hasty retreat and muttering about contract rewrites. In the meantime, a bunch of nondescript people who shall never be seen after this were crying at the impending death of the infant Zelgadis, who was praying it would come sooner than Rezo said.
"...."
Tap tap
"Huh? Oh, my line? So sorry, I was dozing off." ^_^ "Ahem, this is truly out of my league, bu-ut I suppose I can make a wee change to that curse... Ah look, little Zel is trying to use a Burst Rondo." ^_^
"Phhhhbbbbbtttt!!"
"Too young for that now, Zel-chan." ^_^ "Now then... oh yes, that curse. Well, what say we just make him sleep. Hmm? Oh, and throw in that cute stone skin thing. Blue becomes him, don't you think?" ^_^
The wriiter sweatdrops as baby Zel repeatedly hits Xelloss with tiny Elmekia Lances.
"Ow... hey, ouch... is that any... oh, nice one... way to... ouch ouch... treat someone... ack! Who saved your life...OW!"
"Phhhhbbbbtttttt!"
(fast-forward to fifteen years)
"Why didn't someone tell me we didn't have any spindles??!!"
Rezo stomped around, ready to kill anyone who came by. "Now I have to show up again in this STUPID fi..." He pauses as large tears drop from the writer's eyes. "Grr... where is he?!"
The writer happily points to the forest. Rezo mutters about manipulation and heads that way, eager to be done with his part in this story.
Now a striking (dare say beautiful) teen, Zelgadis was busy training as he strived to become stronger. Occasionally, a smiling face appeared in his mind, causing him to lash out, though for the life of him, Zel couldn't remember why...
Zelgadis: I remember perfectly, thankyouverymuch!
The writer holds up a sign reading "Stay in character."
Zelgadis: ::grumbles::
As the youth continued to train and swear under his breath, the red priest showed up. The writer held up the same sign before Zelgadis could lunge at him with his sword.
Rezo: You think I want to be here?
Zelgadis: I just KNOW this is all your fault!
After the writer whacks them both for going OOC, Rezo beckons the lad closer. "You wish to have more power?"
"Not really."
The writer whacks Zelgadis again.
"Yeah, sure whatever."
Rezo nods, holding up his hands. A faint smile plays across his lips as the agonizing screams of Zel undergoing his change rings through the forest. The writer whispers something about not enjoying himself too much.
Rezo: But I never get any fun...
WHACK!
Rezo: Alright, alright! Sheesh!
Rezo watches as the now chimeric Zel struggles to his feet, still weak from the change.
Xelloss: Pardon, don't mean to interrupt, but isn't he suppose to fall asleep? ::reads script:: And for a hundred years or something?
The writer pauses, then motions to Rezo. He walks up and beans Zelgadis on the head with his staff, knocking the chimera out cold.
Xelloss: Ah, okay. ^_^
Rezo: Can I go now?
WHACK!
Rubbing his head and muttering about cursing the writer, Rezo quietly leaves. The writer whispers to Xelloss, who nods and takes the unconscious chimera up in some castle for sake of the plot...
Xelloss: So do we get to let the readers wait a hundred years?
No, I don't have that long.
Xelloss: I could always write it for you. ^_^
Ye-ah, right. This is crazy enough as it is.
Rezo: Can I go now? I have things I must do. Resurrect Shabby, take over world in fit of dementia, tennis with koppi Rezo at two... We're playing doubles.
::thinks:: I might bring you back. Can you just stay around a bit?
Rezo: Do I have a choice?
Xelloss: According to our fanfic contracts, nope! ^_^
Gourry: ::walks in:: Is this the right place? I got turned around on the way here...
Ah, we have our... prince.
Rezo: He's a prince, and I'm a fairy.
Xelloss: Well, you were eying Zel-chan rather closely... ^_^
::looks on as Rezo beats the hell out of Xelloss with staff:: Gourry, you did read the script I gave you... right?
Gourry: Oh, sure. Something about Zelgadis in a blue hood. Why's he have a blue hood anyway?
Xelloss: Wrong fic. ^_^
Hell-inna-handbasket. Gourry, just wing it. Everyone get ready...
Xelloss: We had a slight problem...
NOW what?
Xelloss: It seems Zelgadis woke up. ^_^;
So why isn't he here trying to blast all of us to kingdom come?
::Xelloss points to a bound and gagged Zel squirming on the bed::
::blinks:: Whatever works. Come on, let's get this over with...
(approximately a century later, by ficdom time)
The castle where the Sleeping Blue Beauty rests has become a myth. A tangle of deadly vines surround it, letting none enter.
::Xelloss sits off to the side reading "Mazoku Gardens Monthly"::
Time passes, and a handsome prince strolls up to the castle. Being somewhat less than intellectually steller, he approaches it hoping to find...
"Food, man, am I hungry. You'd think Lina could have let me have one fish before I got here..."
"Well I'm sure you'll find something to snack on inside." ^_^
"Huh? Oh, hi Xelloss. What're you doing here?"
As the writer considers giving up, Xelloss just smiles. "Oh, just making sure the Sleeping Beauty inside stays there."
"How would they go anywhere if they're asleep?"
"Minor little plot setback." ^_^ "But if you're interested, just use your sword on these vines and step inside. I'll be waiting for you at the stairs." Xelloss disappears, much to the relief of the writer.
"Uh... okay." Drawing out his sword, Gourry makes short work of the vines, though he nearly loses it when one tries to feel him up... "HEY!"
Whacking the flirtatious vines with patented fic-mallet, the writer clears the rest of the way, leaving Gourry free to step through.
"What a weird place."
Waiting at the top of the stairs, Xelloss was busy filing his nails while listening to the muffled curses of the "Sleeping Beauty."
"You'd think he'd never been tied down to a bed before..."
"Ne, Xelloss..." Gourry runs up, looking out of breath. "I couldn't find any food anywhere in here. And some of these plants are dangerous!"
"Oh? And here the book said they should have been fatal..." ^_^ "Nevermind that. I have a little job for you, Gou-kun."
"What is it? And is that Zel I hear? He sounds pissed..."
"Quite, but we plan on fixing that." With a worried writer tagging along, Xelloss leads Gourry into the room where 'Beauty' sleeps. Unfortunately, not only is Zel wide awake, but completely naked as well. The writer raises an eyebrow and looks at Xelloss.
"Well, you never said I couldn't." ^_^
While the writer beats the stuffing out of Xelloss, Gourry walks over to Zel, trying to make out what he's saying behind the gag.
"What's that Zel? I can't understand you..."
"MMPH MF MNTHA NHR! M NNA MWA FIPH HM AWS DO NST WSK!"
::a chibi Xelloss runs up and holds up translating cue cards:: "Let me outta here! I'm gonna Ra Tilt his ass to next week!" ::chibi Xelloss sneaks a pinch from Zel before running back::
"MMMPH!!!"
Wondering what possessed her to do this in the first place, the writer lets Xelloss up and pushes him towards the bed.
"Oh Gou-kun. Would you do me a favor?"
"What is it, Xelloss?"
"I need you to kiss Zel so he can wake up?" ^_^
"But... he's already awake. And I don't think he wants me to do that..."
"Why so he is. Well we'll fix that. Just do what I do..." To the dismay of the writer, Xelloss yanks the gag down and catches Zel in a kiss that gives new meaning to the term "liplock."
"Whoa..."
When Xelloss pulls back, the others are slightly surprised to see Zelgadis out cold. The writer glares at Xelloss.
"Well, he is suppose to be sleeping..." ^_^ "Now then, Gou-kun, think you can handle that?"
"Sure, no problem..." Gourry leans over and, to the surprise of both the writer and Xelloss, gives an impromtu tonsilectomy.
O_O
Xelloss: O_^
Gourry: ::pulls back:: Like that?
Zelgadis: ::now awake: <((O_O))>
Xelloss: Yeah, like that. ^_^;;
Again the writer holds up the "Stay in Character" sign.
Xelloss: Little late for that, don't you think? ^_^
Quite. Anyway... ::watches as Gourry slings Zel over his shoulder:: G-gourry? What are you doing? And Zel's still tied up...
Gourry: Well, I remembered this story, and we're suppose to live happily ever after, right? I'd thought I get to work on that part now.
Xelloss: Can I join you? ^_^
Gourry: Don't see why not, though we'll have to keep him tied up until he quits fighting...
Zelgadis: <((O_O))>
::waves hand in front of Zel's face:: I think he's gone...
Xelloss: Then we'll just have to bring him back. ^_^ I have this chest I've been saving for just such an occasion...
Gourry: Really? How about your place, then? We have plenty of time, since I saw Lina duck somewhere with Amelia. Hey, Xelloss, what's a furburger anyway...?
Abadoning all hope of writing a decent fic, the writer waves the trio off and wonders about having a lobotomy.
And they all lived happily ever after.
Zelgadis: Says you!
It wasn't my fault!
Xelloss: I liked it. ^_^
Zelgadis: You would! RA TILT!!
Xelloss: Ow... kinky... ^_^
Gourry: So does this mean you don't want the whipping cream, Zel?
Zelgadis: <((O_O))>
I don't think he's ready for you yet, Gourry...
Xelloss: Which makes it a perfect opportunity. ^_^
Ye-ah. And with that, please to close curtain...
end