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My entries to the 2003 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest

by Martin Leese

visit <http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/>


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The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest is an annual contest where aspiring authors submit the opening sentence to an atrocious non-existent novel.

The judges chose not to award me a prize in 2002. Astonishingly, they also chose not to award me a prize in 2003 either. I can think of only two possible reasons for this:

  1. It is a conspiracy between the judges and the ancient Order of the Knights Templar who control everything that happens in the entire world.
  2. The other entries were better than mine.

Clearly, the second possibility is insane.


"Heliotrope", exclaimed Markus, "is a four-letter word", with a 'k'.

Sam Spludlink, ace detective, was sitting with his feet on his desk thinking that if he were in a detective novel then the door of his office would now open and a stunningly beautiful woman would walk in and ask him to help her, when suddenly the door didn't open and nobody walked in.

"I must seek my creator", thought the main character in this novel, purposefully.

This novel is written entirely without the letter 'a' ... damn.

This novel is written entirely without the first letter in the set of letters in our writing system, the one before 'b'.

Sam Spludlink, ace detective, was sitting with his feet on his desk thinking that maybe the reason nobody was giving him work was because his name just wasn't "detective" enough, and that he should change it to something more appropriate such as ... Splink Spludlink.

"It's lucky I brought my scuba gear and rubber suit," thought Mandrake Thrust on discovering that the women on planet 947XL46 were forty feet tall and oversexed.

The Operation
As Ian slowly came round from the anesthetic he started to puzzle over why his toe wasn't bandaged where they had removed his ingrown toenail and why the nurses kept calling him Ms. MacDougall.

A Timely Horror Story
And the loudspeaker said "OK, for this initial test we are only going to send you back in time seven seconds; push the button when you are ready" so Caroline pushed the button, and the loudspeaker said "OK, for this initial test we are only going to send you back in time seven seconds; push the button when you are ready" so Caroline pushed the button, and the loudspeaker said "OK, for this initial test we are only going to send you back in time seven seconds; push the button when you are ready" so Caroline pushed the button, and the loudspeaker said ...

Bridget entered the time machine knowing that she was going to be the first person ever to travel backwards in time, and was troubled only by an acute and disconcerting sense of déjà vu.

Richard knew that the space aliens in Area 51 were conspiring with Elvis to direct crystal pyramid powers against him and block up his toilet.

After two years of intensive therapy Frank was much improved, and no longer believed himself to be a heap of steaming ordure.

Martin pulled the singlet over his bronzed muscular torso and surveyed his empire of potholed streets and vacant lots from the top floor of the rundown apartment block as, down below, one of his girls was being hassled by a group of punks; "Do you feel lucky", he thought, casually lifting a 45 from the well-stocked gun rack beside the Barbie doll collection.
[Written by Ian and Marian MacDougall]


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