I died on the inside years ago. Now I am just a fleshy container full of coffee and resentment.
[Wally, in a Dilbert cartoon by Scott Adams, 2012]
I'm not lazy, I'm useless. There's a big difference.
[Wally, in a Dilbert cartoon by Scott Adams, 2011]
Now my helplessness makes my uselessness seem unimportant.
[Wally, in a Dilbert cartoon by Scott Adams, 2008]
Today you'll learn how to deal with difficult co-workers. Jerks will always be jerks. Your only hope is to kill them in ways that are untraceable.
[Dogbert, in a Dilbert cartoon by Scott Adams, 2014]
Are you aware that all jobs require you to do things you'd rather not do? That's why they have to pay you.
[Dilbert, in a Dilbert cartoon by Scott Adams, 2006]
I mean, let me give you a clue here. This is work, and work sucks. That's why we don't call it fun.
[From Headcrash by Bruce Bethke, 1995]
The corporate world is a stagnant, superficial, unsatisfying, dishonest, horrible environment. Why would anybody want to join it?
[Marquis Visich de Visoko, quoted in The Popcorn Report by Faith Popcorn, 1992]
If someone attempts to revolt against them, the corporation would simply throw the person out and replace her or him with someone who would play by the rules. Form determines content. Corporations are machines.
[Jerry Mander in The Case Against the Global Economy edited by Jerry Mander and Edward Goldsmith, 1996]
I say, beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
[From Walden by Henry David Thoreau, 1854]
How To Cheat on Personality Tests
1. When asked for word associations or comments about the world, give the most conventional, run-of-the-mill, pedestrian answer possible.
2. To settle on the most beneficial answer to any question, repeat to yourself:
(a) I loved my father and my mother, but my father a little bit more.
(b) I like things pretty well the way they are.
(c) I never worry much about anything.
(d) I don't care for books or music much.
(e) I love my wife and children.
(f) I don't let them get in the way of company work.
[From The Organization Man by William Hollingsworth Whyte, 1956]
But instead I am applying for the job of an elf. Even worse than applying is the very real possibility that I will not be hired, that I couldn't even find work as an elf. That's when you know you're a failure.
[From "SantaLand Diaries" in Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris, 1997]
The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems when called upon. However, when you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
[Original author unknown]
We the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible, for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, that we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.
[Original author unknown]
I do not wish to receive unsolicited commercial electronic messages.