Medication

There was always a part of me that said no, that refused to surrender to the control of any substance, legal or otherwise. I have since, thankfully, changed my minds in the circumstances of love and anti-depressant medication,

As 1999 progressed, I found things in my life really looking up. I was getting good grades, had good friends and a wonderful boyfriend. I was writing again and loving the computer my father baught me, enjoying the newfound pleasures of e-mail and chat rooms. I was getting along with people at school and going to be an exchange student.

Despite all this, I still cut. I still got depressed. I still woke up dreading the day, terrified to get out of bed. I didn't know what I feared, only that I did. In fact, I felt worse anxiaty then ever before, especially in my math class. There was no rhyme or reason to it, I would have violent mood swings that I could not predict, could not control. My life was drasticly improved and yet I still suffered.

I decided this had to change. I wanted to live more then ever before, yet I felt more capable of suicide then ever before, a direct opposite from the time when I wanted to die more then anything, yet was too afraid to kill myself. I decided that I needed to find a new therapist and that I wanted to be put on anti-depressant medication.

I was quite insistant in both of these areas and, for once, things happened. I was set up with a new therapist and, through her, a psychiatrist who, after a long and strange meeting, proscribed Prozac, other wise known as the happy pill.

I didn't know what to think. I had little expectations for this thing working, in fact, my boyfriend was quite pessimistic. Despite this all, this was what I wanted and I was going to stick to it.

This decison was not effected by the fact that my boyfriend was on medications, in fact, it had been suggested earlier that year by the school counsior that I try medication but it never worked out.

They warned me of side effects and that it would take a few weeks for it to start working. I accepted this like anything else. My boyfriend did not however. He had even fewer expectations for it then I did, in fact, he thought it would make me sick all the time and eventually some sort of emotionless zombie. I did get sick from it, but only the first couple weeks and then only a little. Actually, the side effects were very mild and eventually faded all together. The worst part was that I got quite hyper in the mornings. They said the main side effect is reduced sexual drive. Hmmm... No comment.

Anyhow, I did start feeling better, though one of my worst insidents of cutting occured after being on Prozac about a month. After that though, I felt a lot better. I was hyper a lot, which may be the medication or just me. I don't really know, it's been a long time since my mood wasn't effected by my depression.

After a few weeks of feeling good, seldom wanting to cut, the urges are back, with a vengance. I had another one of my 'episodes' recently. I've moved up to 40mgs a day and will ask about getting a perscription for Valium. I hope it helps with my panic attacts. I've been horrible about remembering to take my medicine in the morning though. Oh well. Will have to work on that.