School Shootings and S.I.

In recent years, the news has been full of stories of boys who bring guns to school and open fire on their classmates. When you look at those people, what do you see? Do you see an inhuman monster? Do you see a misguided youth who didn't know any better? What do you feel? Pity? Rage?  When I look at those boys, I see myself. I understand the feelings of loneliness, anxiety and hatred, both of themselves and others. I understand the need to to something, anything, to get people's attention.

This is not an easy statement to make.  We have to blame someone, and in these situations it is much easier to blame the killers then the society that formed the killers.  It is easier to say they were the exceptions, that it was the parents fault.  But it has happened too many times.  Society has to take the blame.  More then that, YOU have to take the blame.  Each person is responsible.  Not just the bullies, but the ones who laughed.  Not just the ones that laughed, but the ones who stood to the side and didn't speak up.  Not just them, but the ones who walked away in disgust.

I was teased a little in junior high, but rarely in following years. If I had been though, I might be dead by now. I could never take anyone with me when I did it, but I know the urge to do just that, make others pay for the pain they, and life in general, has caused you.

When I cut, I am doing the only thing I can to express this feeling, this overwhelming emotion inside. I can't really put a name to this, only that I end up feeling helpless, unable to do anything and yet if I do nothing, life will be simply unbearable.

Maybe this doesn't make sense, maybe this seems like random rambles... I only know how I feel. Sitting in my therapist's office a couple weeks ago, I picked up the May 10th edition of Newsweek. Inside, I found this. Something about it just struck a chord.

"Scores of people vented their grief in front of 13 wooden crosses erected on a hill near the [Columbine High] school. In a gesture of forgiveness, someone put up two more crosses for the killers. Then a woman scrawled "Evil Bastard" on Harris's memorial, and a scuffle broke out. Later, a victim's father removed the two crosses altogether. The children had all been buried, but it was hard to find peace in Littleton."