A few years ago in December we were delivering holiday goodies to some neighbors during a blizzard. When we arrived at the home of two sisters well into their nineties, we were surprised to see them pulling their car out of the garage. We asked where they were going in such a storm and they seriously responded, "We're going to visit the elderly."
A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc,
I think my wife's going deaf."
The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."
The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOU ARE OLD BEFORE YOUR TIME
10)You refer to people your own age as 'kids today'
9)Your high school grad sweater no longer fits your gut
8)You have more hair on your back than on your head
7)You begin stories with the expression 'in my day ...'
6)You have to take naps
5)You don't think that the Rolling Stones are that old ...
4)You have to take so much medication that you're on a first-name basis with all the pharmacy clerks in town
3)You think that Bob Saget is funny
2)Your joints crack so loudly when you get out of bed that France surrendered
1)People your own age call you 'sir' and give you their seat on the bus.
"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm
convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for thirty years!"
An old man and woman were married for years and years even
though they hated each other. When they had an argument, screams
and yelling could be heard deep into the night. Repeatedly a
threat was heard from the old man against his wife. "When I
die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and
haunt you for the rest of your life!"
It was believed that the old man practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and he enjoyed the respect it garnished.
The old man died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme when her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: "Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old guy dig. I had him buried upside down."
- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
- Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
- Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
- Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
- Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
- Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
- Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
- Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
- Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
- Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
- Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
- Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
- Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
- Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
- Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
- Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
- Old investors never die, they just roll over.
- Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
- Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
- Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
- Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
- Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
- Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
- Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
- Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
- Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
- Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
- Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
- Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
- Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
- Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
- Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
- Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
- Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
- Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
- Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
- Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
- Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
- Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
- Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
- Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
- Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
- Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.
- Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
- Old students never die, they just get degraded.
- Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
- Old teachers never die, they just lose their class.
- Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
- Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
- Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
- Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
- There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful.
- Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....
- Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both
could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along
they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just
went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to
"I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and
the light was red again and again they went right though. This
time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the
light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing
it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close
attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was
going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was
definitely red and they went right through. She turned to the
other woman and said,
"Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about
various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really
forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs,
and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about
to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock wood."
She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
The little old lady seated herself right behind the bus
driver. Every ten minutes or so she'd pipe up, "Have we
reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?"
"No, lady, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time after time.
The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the little town came into view. Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the brakes, pulled over and called out, "This is where you get out, lady."
"Is this Oriskany Falls?"
"YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!"
"Oh, I'm going all the way to Albany, sonny," she explained sweetly.
"It's just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my blood pressure pill."
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at
McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an
extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided
the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him,
one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of
the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his
wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching,
with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied,
"Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth.
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty
"I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.
"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding
drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22
MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous
as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the
driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five
old ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed
and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him,
"Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly ...Twenty- two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to
get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old,
you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How
old are you?...."I'm four and a half" ....You're never
36 and a half....you're four and a half going on five!
That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.
And then the greatest day of your life happens....you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony....you BECOME 21...YES! But then you turn 30....ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk....He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now.
What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40...stay over there, it's all slipping away....
So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 ...... then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!
After that, it's a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday....You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch. My grandmother won't even buy green bananas ....it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one. It doesn't end there .... into the 90's you start going backwards...I was JUST 92...
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again .... "I'm 100 and a half!"
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their
prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his
"I PRAY FOR A BICYCLE...I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
You know you're old when you have owned an album for 2 or more
decades in 4 different formats.
In 1973 - 8-track tape.
In 1978 - vinyl
In 1985 - cassette tape.
In 1994 - CD.
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody
complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,"
he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for
some 75 years now."
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
Sign That You Are Getting Old!
You sink your teeth in a steak and they stay there.
You turn off the lights for economical reasons, not romantic ones.
You read the obituaries to find eligible women.
Old ladies offer to help you cross the street.
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work
College kids call you mister.
The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
A beautiful girl walks by and nothing happens.
After painting the town red, you need to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
It takes you all night to do what you used to do all night long.
You have all the answers but nobody is asking you the questions.
After climbing the ladder of success and reaching the top, you realize that it was leaning on the wrong wall.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
The best part of the day is over when the alarm clock rings.
All the names in your little black book end with MD.
You get all your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercised.
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