* Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has and wish you had ordered that.

* At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

* Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

* Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

* A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

* Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

* Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

* A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

* When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.

* Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

* After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

* It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

* A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

* When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car or the wife is new.

* A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

* A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multimillionaire".

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got two girlfriends.

How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get you laundry done free.

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. "Look at this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover." "Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

The president of the service club asked his new member, "Would you like to donate something to the home for the aged?" The new member replied, "Yes, my mother-in-law."

My mother-in-law was bitten by a mad dog in the street.
"Oh, that's terrible"
"Yes, it was terrible to watch the dog die slowly in convulsions."

Adam and Eve were the happiest and the luckiest couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law.

The lawyer cabled his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?" Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order all three."

A Kansas cyclone hit a farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county.

The wife began to cry.
"Don't be scared, Mary," her husband said. "We're not hurt."

Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she responded between sobs.
"I'm happy 'cause this is the first time in 14 years we've been out together."

Myrddin asked his wife, "What do you love most about me; my tremendous athletic ability or my superior intellect?"

"What I love most about you," responded Aspazia, "is your enormous sense of humor."

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy & this is the happiest day of her life."
The boys thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black..."

What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are WANTED!

I just had the doctor remove an ugly growth from my back. It was my mother-in-law.

Happiness is defined as opening your refrigerator to find your mother-in-law's picture on the milk carton.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mother-in-law's.

A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."

During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.

A man and woman are having marriage problems, and decide to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple goes to court to finalise their break-up. The judge asks the husband,
"What has brought you to the point that you are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"
The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."
The wife says, "Seven weeks."

A man goes into a store and starts looking around. He sees a washer & dryer but there is no price listed on them. He asks a salesman who says, "Five dollars for both of them."
"Yeah right, you've got to be shitting me!" the man says.
"No, that's the price," the salesman says, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them," the man says. The man continues to look around and he sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers.
"How much?" he asks.
"Five dollars for the system, including installation" the sales guy says.
"Is it stolen?" the guy asks incredulously.
"No," says the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Sure," the guy says. He looks around some more. As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, "Why are your prices so cheap?"
The salesman says, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife, and what he's doing to her,... I'm doing to his business!"

Supposedly True:

She had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift. Aha, thought she, I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I'll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it. Voila, one cheap wedding present.

So she took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith took a look at the tray, shook his head, and said,

"Lady, you can only do this so many times!"

A man is boasting to his buddies that he is taking his wife to Rome for their 40th wedding anniversary.
"What will you do for your 50th?" one of them asks.
"I'll go and get her."

Classified ad from "Thrifty Nickel", Panama City Beach, Florida:
WEDDING RING SET WITH numerous diamonds, $400 or trade for handgun. 555-0935

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess,
"I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and with a glint in his eye says, "I've got a better idea...let's pretend we're married."
"Why not!" giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own damn blanket."

It seems this old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. He called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.

"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speaking a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away...let's see what happens."
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away.
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away.
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response. On to the kitchen door,ten feet away.
"Honey, what's for supper?" STILL no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
"For the fifth time, CHICKEN!!!"

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said.
Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

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