recognizes Loser achievement in

The Globe Challenge

by Warren Clements

as seen in The Toronto Globe and Mail*

8 September 2001: simple amendments to real sporting competitions to add a new element of interest

Standing broad jump: Over a flaming pit.
-- Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.

1 September 2001: sentence whose syntax or tone is at odds with its meaning.

"Let's all have a safe Labour Day weekend, and don't worry about bringing the life jackets; they'll just weigh us down."
-- Judith Cottrill, Bronx, N.Y.

 
Congratulations, eh?

 

NEW CHALLENGE(S)

A new challenge will be set Sept. 22.

 
E-MAIL ENTRIES TO:
challenge@globeandmail.ca

FAX ENTRIES TO:
416-585-5085

SNAIL-MAIL ENTRIES TO:
The Globe Challenge
Editorial Dept.
The Globe and Mail
444 Front St. W.
Toronto, Ont. M5V 2S9

Prize: The Canadian Oxford Paperback Dictionary. Whoo-hoo!
Results are usually printed on the Saturday following the deadline.

 

Some past challenges seeing Loser ink:

8/11/2001: succinct criticisms of plays, movies or books

Planet of the Apes: Felt cheeta-ed.
-- Phyllis Kepner, Columbia, Md.

8/4/2001: devise a remark that a politician might utter, and translate the thought behind it

Said: ". . . has accepted the newly created position of . . ."
Meant: ". . . has finally been tucked away where he can do no harm."

Said: "Free trade is the cornerstone of our platform, but . . ."
Meant: "That factory in my riding is getting hurt by imports again."
-- Ervin Stembol, Alexandria, Va. - THE WINNER!

Said: "I would like to spend more time with my family."
Meant: "My mistress has gone to a tabloid newspaper."
-- John O'Byrne, Dublin

7/28/2001: simple amendments to real sporting competitions to add a new element of interest

Synchronized swimming: Must be accompanied by atonal music.
Curling: Stones filled with nitroglycerin.
-- Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.

Swimming: Competitors must complete a pie-eating contest before they enter the water.
-- Judith Cottrill, Bronx, N.Y.

7/21/2001: suggest occupations or vocations that would be particularly difficult

Selling fabric by the yard, on commission, to Jennifer Lopez's dressmaker.
-- Ervin Stembol, Alexandria, Va.

Spray-paint salesman in Singapore.
-- Dave Ferry, Leesburg, Va.

Miss Havisham's social secretary.
Sherpa to Sisyphus.
-- John O'Byrne, Dublin

7/14/2001: take an existing medical condition, distort it while ensuring it remains recognizable, and then give the diagnosis

Branchitis: non-specific irritability and feeling of loss when one's local bank office is closed in consolidation.
-- Ervin Stembol, Alexandria, Va.

7/7/2001: titles that book publishers might use to move books on dull or unappealing subjects

Try a Three-Way!: Utilizing Polarized Plugs.
Pulling Strings to Get Ahead: Collected Transcriptions for the Harp.
-- Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.

Trigonometry the Harry Potter Way
-- Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.

7/1/2001: write an arresting epitaph for the tombstone of the member of a given occupation

Internet entrepreneur: Dot gone.
-- John O'Byrne, Dublin

6/2/2001: change the title of a well-known book, movie or play by making an anagram of one of the words and give a brief synopsis of the new work

Intact I: The story of the Titanic from the point of view of the iceberg.
-- John O'Byrne, Dublin

4/28/2001: remarks a person would like to hear on Monday morning

"The record companies have been calling like crazy ever since you sang I Did It My Way at the karaoke bar."
-- Judith E. Cottrill, Bronx, N.Y.

4/21/2001: people who, by dint of their names, were destined to become famous in a particular field

Arthur Conan Doyle: Author Conan Doyle.
George Gallup: George Call-Up.
Alice B. Toklas: Alice B. Talkless.
-- Chris Doyle, Burke, Va.

Martin Scorsese: Martin Scares Easy.
Margaret Thatcher: Margaret That Sure.
Robinson Crusoe: Robinson Accrues Eau.
Fyodor Dostoyevsky: Very Dour Dostoyevsky.
Mike Tyson: Mike Thigh Zone.
-- John O'Byrne, Dublin

4/14/2001: how a current event or personality might best be remembered in future.

The crisis in European farming: Far from the maddening cow.
The Clinton pardons: I get a kickback out of you.
The Bush presidency: Austin powers.
-- John O'Byrne, Dublin

4/7/2001: jobs even dozier than that of the Maytag repairperson

J. D. Salinger's photographer.
Alan Greenspan's jokesmith.
Saddam Hussein's travel agent.
-- John O'Byrne, Dublin

3/31/2001: names for fast-food chains 100 years from now and their offerings

T.G.I. Dress-Down Fridays: naked eating.
-- John O'Byrne, Dublin

Golden Daze: See old TV ads for real food while you down your nutrition pellets.
-- Judith E. Cottrill, Bronx, NY

2/17/2001: add a single letter to a familiar non-English expression and redefine it.

Tour de forcep: a long and difficult birth.
-- Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

Pro bongo publico: benefit concert.
-- Mark Eckenwiler, Washington

Ode rigueur: Turgid verse.
Coupe d'etat: Government limo.
-- John O'Byrne, Dublin

2/3/2001: add a single letter to a familiar non-English expression and redefine it.

Aficionadot: Internet lover.
-- Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

Gloria in excelsis demo: The floor model is loaded.
-- Mark Eckenwiler, Washington

Sine diet: naturally thin.
-- John O'Byrne, Dublin

1/27/2001: signs or other notices that, when you think of it, must have a rather small readership

Maternity ward: Babies requested not to remove tags.
-- John O'Byrne, Dublin

1/20/2001: add a single letter to a familiar non-English expression and redefine it

Ahoi polloi: All sailors welcome.
Phax vobiscum: You've got mail.
-- Mark Eckenwiler, Washington D.C.

12/30/2000: suggest a tactful response to being given a hideous present, and the less tactful thought that races through your mind.

"What a lovely gift!" ("Gift" being the German for "poison.")
-- Mark Eckenwiler, Washington D.C.

"I can't possibly accept this." (I can't possibly wear this.)
"You're such a creative gift giver!" (What on Earth is it?)
-- Tom Witte, Gaithersburg, Md.

12/9/2000: imagine the conversations that might have led to the devising of place names here or abroad, regardless of their real histories

"Have you any idea where we are?" Inklin, B.C.
"Let's stop talking and admire the view." Cap Chat, Que.
"I know I shouldn't have had that second drink." Tilting, Nfld.
-- John O'Byrne, Dublin

"Go ahead. I dare you to spend the night here." Taunton, England.
-- Tom Witte, Gaithersburg, Md.

12/2/2000: suppose the themes or characters of famous works of fiction or non-fiction were more shopworn or déclassé than they turned out to be -- and then suggest examples

Don Wan. Weakish, ineffectual poet fails to attract the girls.
Grime and Banishment. A poor young student is evicted by his landlady for his slovenly ways.
-- John O'Byrne, Dublin - THE WINNER!

Dr. Frankenstein: Economies of scale achieved through the merger of diverse elements.
-- Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.

11/25/2000: take a fictional character and suggest what his or her PhD thesis might be

King Lear: An examination of the law of probate in monarchical situations.
-- John O'Byrne, Dublin

Dr. Frankenstein: Economies of scale achieved through the merger of diverse elements.
-- Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.

11/11/2000: new sins we might add to the existing lengthy catalogue

Animal crewelty: dressing one's pet in homemade sweaters.
-- Meg Sullivan, Potomac, Md.

11/4/2000: messages that might be sent anonymously to a co-worker whose behaviour or hygiene is irritating or offensive -- breaking the news as gently as possible.

"Some colleagues have discovered chewing gum that you have inadvertently placed under tables, chairs, shelves, etc. As gum is quite expensive, these remnants have been collected and await you in the office of the Director of Human Resources."
-- John O'Byrne, Dublin

10/7/2000: conversations that might have led to the devising of place names here or abroad.

"YOU'RE WHAT!?" Parent, Que.
-- John O'Byrne, Dublin

9/30/2000: obscure nickname for a member of a sports or work team that recognizes a shortcoming but hides it from outsiders.

A goalkeeper called Nijinsky (great pirouettes, but at the end it's curtains for his team).
-- John O'Byrne, Dublin

9/23/2000: slogans that famous people, alive or dead, real or fictional, might have come up with if they had been entrepreneurs.

Freud Rental Cars: We try harder -- because we're compensating for a lack of parental affection dating back to childhood.
-- Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

9/16/2000: report what a person says, then reveal what he or she means

"You are one of our most valued customers." (We selected your name at random from a huge database.)
"I think we can expect an improvement soon." (I think we've hit rock bottom.)
"This is an exciting challenge for us." (This had better work!)
"Anyone for a refill?" (Let's see who's the lush now!)
"Let me consult our executive committee on that." (Forget it!)
-- John O'Byrne, Dublin

9/2/2000: report what a person says, then reveal what he or she means

"I have good news and bad news." (I have some legitimately horrible news, and some other information that's just meant to distract you from the truly horrible stuff.)
"May I take your order?" (Whaddaya want?)
-- Tom Witte, Gaithersburg, Md.

8/19/2000: colour codes that will tell customers what to expect as they enter a restaurant

Blue: No matter how explicit and lengthy the explanation of your preferences, the waiter will get it wrong.
Spots: Dishes are washed by hand.
Maroon: You'll be stuck here for hours waiting for your table.
--Meg Sullivan, Potomac, Md.

8/12/2000: basic household tips even Martha Stewart may have neglected

Have juice stains spoiled your beautiful white carpet? Just pour more juice over the rest of the carpet to even things out.
--Meg Sullivan, Potomac, Md.

7/15/2000: unfortunate advice that might have been offered by the parents of famous children.

Michael Jackson's mother: "I know this really inexpensive plastic surgeon."
--Phyllis Kepner, Columbia, Md.

Anne Boleyn's mother: "Fat men are always friendly and jolly."
--Meg Sullivan, Potomac, Md.

Adam to Abel: "Would it kill you to spend more time with your brother?"
--Sandra Hull, Arlington, Va.

7/8/2000: screaming headlines that mask a more mundane story to follow.

President Shot! (Repeatedly, by White House photographers.)
Millions Engulfed in Flames! (Cremation gains in popularity, as opposed to burial.)
--Tom Witte, Gaithersburg, Md.

7/1/2000: ways you can tell that your life is not going as it should.

Your tax refund cheque bounces.
The doctor refuses to see you unless he's wearing the full array of protective clothing -- gloves, mask, surgical gown -- and he's your psychiatrist.
--Meg Sullivan, Potomac, Md.

You find that you are in high demand as a model for "before" pictures.
Your annual income is less than your son's -- from his lemonade stand.
--Tom Witte, Gaithersburg, Md.

6/24/2000: words that might signal caution in vacation-spot literature.

We think the war is over.
Now with 50-per-cent lower bribes expected.
--Tom Witte, Gaithersburg, Md.

6/17/2000: ways you can tell that your food may contain a few too many preservatives.

Your apple is not waxed, it's lacquered.
--Meg Sullivan, Potomac, Md.

Your cookies have imprints of trilobites and dinosaur limbs.
--Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

6/10/2000: answers to the question: How much of a hypochondriac was he (or she)?

He kept his savings with an international drug lord, because he would only use money that had been laundered.
--Meg Sullivan, Potomac, Md.

Whenever someone complained of being "sick and tired" of something, he moved away one step.
--Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

Every time she blushed, she thought she had scarlet fever.
-- Tom Witte, Gaithersburg, Md.

5/20/2000: appropriate lines to describe any movement on the part of companies or their stocks.

Pillsbury has been on a roll.
--Tom Witte, Gaithersburg, Md.

Crest fallen.
Playtex numbers provide lift.
--Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

Boeing earnings hit turbulence.
Green Giant sales mushroom.
International Paper earnings on a tear.
--Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md.

Playboy barely covers margin.
CBS eyes higher profits.
Weight Watchers gains considerably.
No longer the apple of investors' eyes, Dole pines for better days.
-- Meg Sullivan, Potomac, Md.

5/6/2000: cite a particularly karmic example of people changing careers at midlife.

The lumberjack became a chopper pilot.
-- Meg Sullivan, Potomac, Md.

The naval officer became a belly dancer.
The dishwasher became a panhandler.
--Tom Witte, Gaithersburg, Md.

4/15/00: alter the name of a bird and suggest a corresponding change in habitat, diet, song or behaviour

Power Moa: a noisy bird that feeds on suburban lawns.
Storm Petrol: an oilbird (genus Hydrocarbonae) indigenous to Exxon Provence.
-- Chris Doyle, Burke, Va.

Either/or-iole: indecisive bird, afraid to take existential leap.
Toucam: has miniature camera in its bill for live Web casts.
-- Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

4/8/00: add one letter to a common word and define the result

Debtutante: a young woman who maxed out her credit cards to pay for her coming-out party.
-- Meg Sullivan, Potomac, Md.

3/11/00: adjust the title of any familiar play, movie, book, TV show or poem to reflect the world of medical doctors or other health practitioners, and provide a brief synopsis

Scar Wars: Rival plastic surgeons try to undercut each other's rates.
The Old Man and the ICU: An elderly Cuban fisherman is critically wounded by a marlin.
-- Tom Witte, Gaithersburg, Md.

The Scarlet Pimple: An aristocratic dermatologist saves the skin of numerous French nobles during the Revolution.
-- Meg Sullivan, Potomac, Md.

4/8/00: add one letter to a common word and define the result

Debtutante: a young woman who maxed out her credit cards to pay for her coming-out party.
-- Meg Sullivan, Potomac, Md.

3/11/00: adjust the title of any familiar play, movie, book, TV show or poem to reflect the world of medical doctors or other health practitioners, and provide a brief synopsis

Scar Wars: Rival plastic surgeons try to undercut each other's rates.
The Old Man and the ICU: An elderly Cuban fisherman is critically wounded by a marlin.
-- Tom Witte, Gaithersburg, Md.

The Scarlet Pimple: An aristocratic dermatologist saves the skin of numerous French nobles during the Revolution.
-- Meg Sullivan, Potomac, Md.

2/26/00: unlikely circumstances for a wedding and suitably adjusted marriage vows or other elements of the ceremony

A couple marrying on Wheel of Fortune can exchange vowels.
-- Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

At a wedding in a bakery, a lovely little flour girl precedes the bride.
-- Meg Sullivan, Potomac, Md.

2/19/00: unfortunately named investments.

Slacker Securities.
Rocker Sensitivity Training Seminars.
-- Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

1/29/00: magazine or movie titles altered to better reflect the computer and Internet age.

9½ Geeks
The 'You've Got Mail' Guy Always Rings Twice
-- Meg Sullivan, Potomac, Md.

1/1/00: New Year's resolutions for the new millennium -- specifically, 100 or 200 years in the future.

I resolve to spend more quality time with my clones.
I resolve to finish work on my landmark book on the 20th century's greatest actor, Tony Danza.
No more cutting corners: When I want some really good Chinese food, I'll go to China for it, even though it takes 20 minutes to get there.
Every single time, they've lost my luggage; I resolve never again to fly to Mars with NASA.
-- Meg Sullivan, Potomac, Md.

 

* Denotes external link. You'll be leaving www.gopherdrool.com for a completely different site. Is that concept just a little too complex?