Loserfest '98 ® Retrospective Eyewitless Accounts From Them What Was There (and some what wasn't)

Our adventure began with a leisurely cruise on the Severn aboard the Annapolitan II (aka the S.S. Not So Fresh Feeling) during which Maryland Delegate Cheryl C. Kagan proclaimed it to be "Jonathan Paul Day"

John Kammer: My favorite memory was Jan VerrEy water skiing behind that drug-running cigarette boat that kept circling us. Either that or the part where Delegate Cheryl was chumming the water and the great white lunged at her... The look on her face as she stumbled back into the air-conditioned section and muttered "We need a bigger boat" was priceless.

Jean Sorensen: Well, I must say that my favorite moment was when, during the cruise, Isaac put Tobasco sauce in Captain Stubing's Bloody Mary.  I don't think I've ever seen Julie McCoy laugh so hard!  Yes, that has to be the topper, all right.

Jennifer Hart: I liked when Cheryl Kagan made a lovely speech and presented a Proclamation to Jonathan Paul, whereupon he flung it into the river like a Frisbee, saying, "This is totally unnecessary, because EVERY day is Jonathan Paul Day!"

Jonathan Paul: I'll always remember the bit where the boat rammed the iceberg and we all died.

Stephen Dudzik: Sure, our premature deaths were hilarious but so was that little incident beforehand when Bob Denver, who was extremely high at the time, wrested control of the boat from the captain and we hit that bridge abutment. Did the Naval Academy grads open fire on us before or after that occurred? Although not many people saw it Elden appeared in disguise and pushed Celine Dion overboard right before she sang that stupid song.

Joseph Romm: Heck, I'll always remember how Jennifer sacrificed her life keeping me afloat on the debris, muttering, "I'll save you, Elden." But no way am I going to throw that diamond back into the ocean in remembrance. I've got bills to pay!! And of course who can forget when Zarrow put on a wig to get into the last life boat, shoving aside that pregnant woman.

Then it was back to the hotel for a dip in the pool and other diversions:

Stephen Dudzik: My oddest experience at Loserfest was Jennifer Hart greeting me at the door in a French maid outfit with a video of The Graduate in her clammy hand. A bootlegged kegger of Loserbrau was in the bathtub and blue crabs seemed to have the run of the closet. She kept whispering "Plastics" to me as she fondled a box of Ramses. How many hotel rooms have mirrored ceilings these days?

"Willy Wanka": Thanks to Sandra and John for organizing the chicken fights in the pool. My neck will never be the same.

   David Genser: I loved it when during the hotel pool chicken fight John accidentally ripped Steve's bikini top off.

Next was dinner at (where else?) a seafood restaurant. Losers amused themselves between courses with activity-jammed placemats and party games such as "Pin the Moustache on the Czar". The Dueling Losers Band put in an appearance, minus Greg Arnold but with a horn section. A pair of breasts was exposed, although to the disappointment of all the male Losers in attendance, these belonged to a wooden statue mounted on the wall. The only element missing from the festivities was one Elden Carnahan, who had promised to take a break from cramming for the bar exam only to pull a Krattenmaker on us.

Helene Haduch: I especially enjoyed the fest since i swept the contest: winning, getting first runner-up, and 4 honorable mentions--and that after having saved dudzik's life with that emergency glossectomy.

David Genser: My favorite moment was when Sue Lin started doing shots of tequila with Keith, our waiter at dinner.  Then Paul Kocak pinned a mustache on one of the aquarium fish.  I busted a gut, which, unfortunatley, turned out to be Joe's. 

Jonathan Paul: I thought my table did very well at the party games. The Losers sitting at the table kind of sucked, but the table did well.

T.J. Murphy: My favorite Loserpalooza moment?  NOT being there and forced to sing my song parodies with the Loser Band.

Brian Broadus: Neither I, the toxicology department of the Southern Maryland General Hospital, my health insurer, or my personal injury attorney will quickly forget Busch's Severn Chum 'n' Rot, or whatever the seafood place that Kammer and Hull picked our for us was called. I was kind of surprised to discover how poorly Kitty held her liquor. I mean, to strip down to a polka-dot bikini, cover herself with cocktail sauce, and dance on the table...boy, she had to be drunk! No, wait, that was Strider, wasn't it? I was also surprised to discover that "Elden" lives only in Jennifer's creative imagination, although the fact that he does goes a long way to explain her current lead in the standings. I did find it touching to see her fight so desperately to keep anyone from taking "Elden's" place, and her sobs at the end of dinner, when she realized "he" had stood her up again were, well, pathetic.

The obligatory after-hours party at the hotel followed. Things got a little rowdy and a guest survey questionnaire card was badly torn.

Sarah Worcester: My favorite memory was when Brian Broadus, Dave Zarrow, and I were running the shipment of beer from the Bay Mart to the Comfort Inn, and the Sheriff tried to pull us over.  I'd like to know where Brian learned to drive like that. My heart and stomach were in my mouth when Brian jumped the car over that deep ravine and the Sheriff and his idiot son just drove right off the edge.

Kevin Mellema: My favorite Loserfest memory was when the rectal thermometer refused to work after a certain someone, who shall remain nameless but we all know who they are, used it and then everyone just had to guess how high their temperature was. Personally I was kind of glad things worked out that way. Hey, look on the bright side ... now we know how they discovered Sarin nerve gas. I also liked the part where Zarrow tried to set off the sprinkler system with the heat from his forehead. Personally I think he was hiding a bic lighter behind his head. I thought the firemen seemed kinda grumpy though...

The critics give Loserfest '98 ® two butt cheeks up!

Jonathan Paul: The '97 outing was a tough act to follow, no question. But you rose to the challenge. My only quibble was that no one fell off the boat. (Though, if someone fell off the back, we wouldn't have noticed.) Keith the waiter was a real find. He should be the official waiter for all Loser functions.

Sarah Worcester: I'd like to congratulate Event Staph Sandra Hull and John Kammer for the fine, fine job they did on Loserfest this year.  It was a great week-end, and I think I speak for more than myself when I say that a great time was had by all. You will all be relieved to hear that I was able to get a tetanus shot first thing this morning, so there's nothing to worry about anymore.

Chuck Smith: Like Sarah, I too speak for more than myself, but, of course, I do have multiple personalities

Dave Ferry: As one of Chuck's personalities, I would also like to thank the event staph for a great weekend.

Jennifer Hart: That Bay Mart was spectacular! Such a fine selection of tacky tourists items, dusty Pop Tarts, liquor, and cheese-food products! And, Sunday morning, I witnessed a screaming fight between a clerk and a guy who was driving off without paying for his gasoline. Wow! Guess you have to go to the big cities for excitement like that.

Dave Zarrow: Well, after last year's W.V. flea-market shootings, this shows that with anti-gun legislators like that Cheryl "Bite Me, Charlton!" Kagan, Maryland just can't compete.

Peyton Coyner:
The Kammers' flash,
Zarrow's obscene tune,
VerrEy's cruel lash,
Dudzik's glossy moon,
We will have these moments to remember.

Main Page | Loserfest Photos*

*Not only will you be leaving the Losers' Homely Page for another part of the Web, you'll be viewing some positively ugly photos that are kilobyte intensive. Don't say we didn't warn you.