this is work in progress or homilies or miscellaneous items that don't warrant a page by themselves or seem to fit better here



u can check the scroll slider on the right for the position on the page



chronological order is from the bottom to the top of the page
















i


think


there


is


a lot


of


problem


solving


ability


associated


with


depression


van


goghs


painting is


at his


best


in


his


last


months
















theres


a

lot


of


non


casual


shit


in


this


world


dr. gachet  and vincent van gogh ]
















soon after the sun was up on monday morning two gendarmes appeared at the inn and asked vincent if he was the one “ who wanted to commit suicide ”.


“ yes, i believe. ”


“ you know that you do not have the right? ”





in


the


face


of


death


there


are


no


rights
















the


human


brain


is


much


more


demanding


nutritionally


than


the


body
















why


i


take


another's


grief


like


this


i


don't


know
















the


worlds


most


financially


successful


artist


alive


at


the


moment


paints


these


kitschy


english


cottage


rose


garden


scenes


van


gogh


shot


himself


then


walked


wounded


what


must


have


seemed


endless


miles


and


died


penniless


his


paintings


were


given


away


“ the sadness will last forever ”


great


last


  words
















writing


is


a


natural


mode


of


thought




it


develops


you




it


is


always


worthwhile




if


you


let


it


follow


its


natural


line
















poverty


and


 stupidity


are


the


 writers


lot
















i


 never


 wanted


to


be


a

 writer


the


 words


 sucked


me


in
















 publishing


this


is


little


and


big
















editors


  are


  no


  talent


  twits




 some


 are


malign
















you


need


to


slay


your


own


body



i


don't


think


many


get


that



it


arises


naturally



but



something



extra



is



required
















can


i


just


go


to


 sleep


for


a


long


long


 time


and


 never


   wake ?
















i


feel


today


has


contained


more


mistakes


than


most




but


if


i


am


honest


the


day


before


contained


a

fair


few


too
















“there is a minor poet i know who came over the other night.”



bukowski  interview




i'm


not


even


minor


i'm


non


existant
















women


are


a


predator


i


don't


know


what


men


are




i


don't


think


they


are


anything


in


particular
















at


this


point


i have


finished


writing
















i


am


called


to


people


of


infinite


need



scary


isn't


it ?
















a


decent


computer


and


broad


band


link


and


you


can


get


a


way


better


arts


education


than


any


university
















you


can't


prevent


the


world


going


to


seed
















an


infinite


sink


of


need


bill


unfortunately


amber


too


and


donald


and


john


i


think


we


are


different


not


so


needy


thats

why


everyone


latches


onto


us


tho


our


message


sticks


in


their


throats
















evolution


is


one


of


the great


advances


in


human


understanding


along


with


string

theory


chemistry


and


the


periodic


table


biochemistry


and


medicine


you


have


no

idea


how


mis



targeted


the thinking


could


be


on


these


subjects
















when


you


do


things


its

important


not


just


to


get


the


job


done


but


take


extra time


to


gain


insight


into


the


process
















stalin


someone


who


makes


ivan


the


terrible

look


like


a


little


mouse
















if


you


seek


truth


in


collectives


you


are


going


to


get



a

collective


truth


that


is


truth


by


committee
















my


work


will


fall


into


the


hands


of


collectives


:o(
















men are pretty simple, they think a woman with a nice body and no man around needs them
















 a


 pass


[sexual]


 is


 quite


 a violent


 thing
















 they are all totally tasteless


[usa]


 low life users basically


 its


 the culture
















i


think


i'm


thinking


of


myself


as


a


writer


now


i


have


written


so


much
















 people


 don't


 know


 how


 to


 reason


 its


 all


 them


 or


 others


 but this


[poetry the bcd, compendium]


 has


 a


 life


 of


 its


 own


 you


 just


 follow


 that
















its


the


nature


of


the


first


rate


to


be


killed


by


the


second


rate
















people


are


like


mosquitos


or


flies


so


much


the


same
















nothing


works


if


something


works


you


just


haven't


broadened

the


context


enough
















stretched


beyond


stretching
















the

upper


class


and


lower


class


have


always


been


united


against


the


middle


class
















democracy


the


middle


class


paying


for


the


breeding


of


the


lower


class
















here


i


am


teaching


again




will


it


be


interesting


uninteresting




dullards


stupids




or




a



 spark



of



light
















do


you


have


to


be


so


schizophrenic ?




i


guess


you


do




thats


the


nature


of


it
















you


can't


touch




whats


between




another


persons


ears
















they


love


you


and


this


is


the


excuse


for


suffocating


you
















everything


is successive


approximation
















there


is


an


asymmetry


in


the intensity


of


love


between


women


and


men




men


always


have


to


go


through


the motions


to


a

certain


extent
















intense


relationships


can


be


void
















everybody


gets


cuckolded
















yahoo


iodine


those


singers


of


looney


tunes
















we


look


at


each


other


and


what


do


we


see




i


see


a


wall


of


judgemental


retards




that


will


be


punitive


if


everything


is


not


sugar


coated


to


suit


their


preconceived


views




what


do


you


see?
















the


trouble


with


zen



is



they



sorta



get



accelerated



into



what



is



too



strong



for



them
















bukowski


has


his


weaknesses



hard


to


see



because


he


does


somethings


so


well



if


he


didn't


drink



he


wouldn't


have


had


to



chuck


half


his



poems



away
















as


you


get


older


every


pain


worries


you



is


it


cancer?
















how is it possible


for


a


woman


to


love


so


intensely


a


man


that


infuriates


so


much





his view on women


seen


though


broken


windows


is


fractured





what


does


that


say


about


her








by eileen



















women


are


pretty


much


cut


from


the


same


block



are


men?



i


don't


know



not


necessarily
















michael


you


are


a fake


and


bloody


fraud


go


back


to


your


fantasies


of


fucking


the


virgin


mary
















velociraptors are descended from birds


it goes that birds and dinosaurs had a common ancestor


then some birds eveloved into raptors




dinosaurs only ever dominated the earth because oxygen levels fell


birds and dinosaurs have different lungs which pump air through continuously


and alligators actually


crocidilians and birds and dinosaurs share a common ancestor


which must have have these continuous airflow lungs
















its


very


simple


existence


is


an


estranged


condition


from


nonexistance


and


non


existence


is that towards


which


all


modes


of


existance


flow




why


this


single


literal


truth


exists


like


this


i


do


not


know
















dealing


with


the


prophetic


read


what


you


write


read


it


again
















anyone


can


see


it


the


modern


tendency


for


a

companies


employees


to


hijack


a


companies


proceeds in their favour


and


rob


the shareholders
















heidegger :


great


philosophers


make


great


mistakes
















there


is


some


validity


to


a

consensus


view


over


several


generations


but


a


consensus


view


within a generation


on


a fresh


matter


is


likely


to


be


wrong
















the


world


would


be


a

better


place


if


university


arts


departments


were


closed
















its


interesting


to


compare


schopenhauer and


heidegger


who


argues


that


technology


modifies


the


will


which


i think

is


an advance
















what


is


unique


about


humans


is


the


extremity


of


tool

use


and


the way


humans


are


modified


by


tool


use




language


is


a tool
















heidegger :


everything


has


to


be


experienced
















the


price

of


genius


is


poor


sleep


and


skimped


meals
















she


has


been


carried


and


now


has


to


start


carrying


herself
















the


human


 condition


is


  schizophrenic
















everybody


in


an


unreal


system


is


schizophrenic
















aging


is


freaky


you


literally


start


to


dissolve


under


your


own


eyes
















he's


such


an


arsehole


its


a

sort


of


violence


to


the


soul


to


do


anything


that


benefits


him
















sex and being looked after is the male horizon
















the


more


ignorant


they


are




the


more


they


protest
















steer


well


clear


of


poets

their


lives


are

a


disaster
















rather


than


do


something


its


better

to


do


nothing
















maybe


i


could


sit


down


to


die


sad


farewell


to


family


friends


and


lover




then


what?
















everything


that


has


occurred


already


occurs


and


will


never

occur


and


always occur
















i


am


dead


but


my


words


live


on


freaky!
















love


is


like


being


mauled


to


death


by


an


octopus
















what


is


the


world?




i


don't


know




and


you


can't


tell


me
















i


CAN'T


do


it
















sometimes


your


only


defence


in


a

situation


is


not


to


care




its


the


caring


that


takes


the


time


and


creates


the


vulnerability




and


theres no


return
















if


you


only


look


to


your


peer


group


you


will


get


a




very


distorted


view


of


life
















nothing


is

ever


right
















my


attraction


for


toxic


burning


women


is


like


suicidal
















schizophrenics


react


very


strongly


against


sanity


thats


almost


a definition


of


it




the degree

to


which


its


reacted


against
















every


mistake


is


an


opportunity


to


look


in


detail


at


what


went


wrong


you


have


already


paid


the


penalty


for


it


why


not


take


advantage


of


it?
















i


don't


think


quantum


computing


is


quantum


per


se


its


more


quantum


than digital


fuzzy


in


 fact
















explain


explain


explain


said


the


guru




declaim


declaim


declaim


said


the


sceptic




wank


wank


wank


said


i
















writing


fiction


is


pyschotic




religious


types


poets


and


nuts


talk


it
















when


you


can


let


go


of


scholarship


then


you


will


be


a


scholar
















the


whole


problem


with


zen


is


generalities


that


don't


work
















theres


a


subtle


fatigue


with


aging


with


successive


year


after


year




that


sucks
















i have


never


seen


true


atheism


its


a form


of


humanism


which


is


just


as


well


as


the


average


human


able


to


act


abominably


without


retribution


acts


abominably
















i think caring without a return for that care is destroying
















men


who


have


regular


sex


are


pale


monsters
















“ what


is


the


meaning


of


life ?”




“ life


has


no


meaning ”
















religious


teachers


are


flat


batteries
















opportunity


cost


destroys


all


lives!




i


guess


it


has


it's


benefits


too




a


breaking


of


circles




though


it


can


lead


to

a

forming


of


them

















the


most severe


law


of


life


appears


to

be


opportunity


cost


that


is


attention


to

and


proficiency


in


one


area


allows


other


areas


to


adversely


get


out


of


control


indeed

an


overall


balanced


view

of


success

in


life

is


an


effective


balancing


of


this


problem
















the woes


of


the


world


are


too

many


to


be


bourne


sanely


even


to


bear


the


woes


of


one


other


is


insanity
















i


know


transmission


is


a

load


of


bullshit
















is


it


meaningful


that


one


is


a

zen


master


or


is


transmission


just


a

load


of


bullshit
















lest


i be labelled


“ chauvinist ”


yet


again


let


me


say


that


men


are

an

inferior


intensity


to


women


and


don't


really


warrant


a

comment
















breeding


is


such


a


nightmare


that


if


women


weren't


partly


insane


they


wouldn't

breed

















i'd


rather


read


poetry


than


change


the


door


on


the


fridge




cure


me


please


of


this


strange


affliction
















capitalism


is


wrong


communism


is


wrong


only


death


is


right
















just


when


things


look

rosy


the


blight


of


age


creeps


on
















rotten at the top, rotten at the bottom is my rule
















“ why


do


i


see


so


much


blood


about


you ? ”




“ its


your


own ”
















i


am


not


an


atheist


i


don't


say


“ there


is


no


god ”


i


say


“ what


is


god ? ”




if


you


answer


that


you


have


missed


the


point
















successful


couple


matching


is


a


complementary


matching


of


similarity


and


dissimilarity




dissimilarity


is


more


important

















eileen writes:



as a w_k's owner i got a really loopy email from a woman with a link to her  website  and an ask to pray for metals to b removed from everyone on the planet, like the loopiest ive ever heard of, she claims invisible beings r launching energy attacks against her prayer system that removes aliens from the planet




my reply:



yeah


nuttier


than


a

fruit


cake


their


pyschoses


are so boring


tv and movies basically


with


a


dash


of


religion




more


than


dash




its classic schizophrenia


   ideas without any reality testing




       what she says is no nuttier than any religion



















its


not


illegal


to


write


a

short


poem


or


obscure


thank


god!
















i


think


a


certain


amount


of


pain


is


necessary


in


this


life


for


understanding




not


too


much


and


not


too


little




too


much


and


its


overwhelming




too


little


and


it


breezes


by
















i


don't


think


that


zen


is


defensible




being


something


about




nothing

















things


have


changed




yet


again
















the


normal


condition


of


humans


is


complete


madness
















we


are


two


angels


among


demons





eileen
















what


i


have


started


to


“ get ”


is


people


do


not


have


an


overall


view
















publicity


is


like


shaking


a

tree

of


leeches


that


fall


onto


you
















the


great


secret


to


not


spending


unecessarily


is


to


wait




when


you


buy


you


know


you need it
















the


nature


of


being


is


that


we

get


a very


incomplete


picture


of


things




when


we

start


to

fill

in


the gaps


it


gets


amazingly


coherent
















action


and


reaction




empire


and


dιnouement
















its


quite


hard


to


move


away


from


“ this


is


how


the


world


should


be ”


to


“ this


is


how


the


world


is ”
















the


trouble


with


genius


is


it


always


goes


outside


the


social


boundaries


you


have


to


seek

a

null

point


where


you


conform


but


you


don't
















theres


something


dead


about


zen


guys


they


never


respond


to


anything


unless

its


what


they


want


to

hear




i


think


its


a

tactic


to


make

them


appear


wiser


than


they


are




which


is


not


very


wise
















i


really


think


john


loori


was


schizophrenic




able


charming


charitable


energetic




but


schizophrenic

















the


more


ignore


me



the


better
















the


basic


conclusion


of


poetry


and


poets


lives




is




its


not


worth


it




better


to


pay


attention


to


your


own


survival




the


problem


is




that


only


poetry




can


develop


you




in




a




certain




way
















madelstham


tsvetaeva


arkamtova


bright


lives


that


burnt


out
















the


net


is


not


infinite


but


finite




finite


infinity

















oddly


poetry


is


perishable


the


language


changes


and


its


too


much


trouble


to


reconstruct


the


sense
















unfortunately i think mandelshtam is a particularly difficult poet to translate because he pushes language beyond conventional meanings


the


translators just can't cope


i think in reality the poems are multilayered and missing quite a bit
















what


about


having


kids ?




i'm


too


old


and


too


strange
















the


pathetiqueness


of


getting


old


yeah


pathetic


hah


hah
















what


is


the


limitation


of


an


explanation


that


it


mutates


while


being


looked


at


and

as


the


terms


of


reference


change
















religion


has


more


to


do


with


philosophy


than


poetry
















advertising


is


todays


propaganda


of


the


state


apparatus


which


is


democracy
















socrates


had


the


last


laugh


“ state


assisted


suicide ”
















there


is


more


of


a place


for


the


second


rate


in


life


than


the




first rate


the


second


rate


breeds

successfully


the


first


rate


is


crucified


by


the


second


rate
















i


keep


having


to


explain


what


i


write


can


be


partly


synthetic


or


not


relating


to


me


at


all


but


observations


of


others


and


their


lives
















the


males


role


is


a slave


so


why


wouldn't


i


rebel?





the


complaints


come


from


the


slave

masters


fearing


an


insurrection





they


needn't


worry


you


can't


defeat


biological


imperatives














i


think


there's


some


necessity


that


whatever


i


do


is


totally


fruitless
















symmetry


is


not


necessarily


any


answer


an


imperfect


smoothing


that


conceals
















eileen writes:




why


thank


god


for


any


thing


he's


not


listening






my


reply





hes


not


listening


cause


hes


not


there


ultra


rationality


sticks


in


the


female's


throat
















some


things


unpin


miraculously


gone


they


clear


the


decks


for


something


new
















its


a

funny


thing


to


come


into


some


facility


for


what


one


has


an


exceptional


ability


for




writing




and




thinking
















dying


is


as


boring


as


hell


wait


for


one


day


then


the


day


after


and the


day


after


that


and


you


are


still


alive!




see


what


i


mean?
















“ god is a sob


and


i


have


told


him/her


so ”


as there


is


no

god

buddha


or


jesus


its


not


very


meaningful


its


just


a


way


of

putting


something
















what


i


approach


and


don't

approach


what


i


do


leads


to


the


approach
















i


came


into


this


business


of


relationship


quite


late


in


life


late


enough


not


to


take


it


too

seriously




thank- god!




old


blood


wasted


and


decayed


it


doesn't


really


matter


how


it


goes
















why


shouldn't


i


be


negative


on


women


despite


their


claims


what


is

their


first


loyalty


to?




themselves


and


their


children


men


can


be


suckers
















what


is


health


mental


health


physical


health


what


is


health
















call


yourself


a


philosopher


call


my


self


a

philosopher
















time


to


get


back


to


the


3D


world


text


is


good


but


of


itself


has


no


depth


though


it


is


4D


which is




time
















i


am


writing


for


eternity


therefore


i


don't


give


a

fig


how


popular


or


unpopular


this


is
















why


does


life


have


to


be


so


depressing ?




you


think


its


not ?




think


again




you


are


looking


selectively
















the


complete


and


utter


negativity


and


abysmal


nothingness


of


life




suicide
















death


death




life


life




skite


skite




height


height
















stupidity


breeds


best


but


true


intelligence


is formed on


the


anvil


of


destruction
















women


manage


men


and


their


attachment
















notions


of


magic


and


the


supernatural


are


a


distortion


of


the


idea


of


quantum


space


wherein


all the


answers


are


already


there


but


only


accessible


by


the


erosion


of


self
















human


brains


are


not

a

s


well

nourished


as


they


used


to


be


you


can


just


eat


bread


you


will


still


breed


but


your


brain


will


be suet
















what


use


is


self


esteem


on


a

message


board


hang


it


up


by


the


door


when


you


come


in


and


begin


to problem


solve
















generally


for


every


male


there


is


a


female


i wouldn't


say


for


every


female


theres


a

male


if


there


is


its


a bit


of


an


illusion
















i


think


you

have

to


be


schizo

phrenic


to


be


a poet


its


not


sane




sanity


goes


for


the


money


and


breeding
















ivan


the


terrible


was


a bad


dream


compared


to stalin


a

full


fledged


pyschotic
















the


female


is


caged


by


relationship
















behavior


follows


the


neurology


it


DOESN'T


precede


it
















a


good


translator


makes

einstein


look


stupid
















the


sadness


of


not


being


able


to read


mandelstham's


“ tristia ”


in russian


i


know the


translations


are

missing


a

lot
















its


the


freakiest


thing


seeing


the


slow


approach


of


death


i


am dying


and


its


all


going


to


end




i can't


believe


it!
















if it ceases


to


matter


wether


people


think


you


are


stupid


then


you are


free


to


look

at


the


actual


meaning




which was?
















why is it such a big deal to know that what we do is half arsed?


thats life and if we have any sense we move slowly towards the less half arsed


billy never got to base one on problem solving, thats just look at how things are and work away from them to something better




but


you


know


it


has


to


work..................




you sit there thinking you are half adequate, you are not, you are toxic and stupid


whats the big deal? i can see that in myself as well..........
















what infinity


might


be


is


very


hard


to think


about


because


its


not


an


object


or


person


but


rather


the raison


de


κtre


of


life
















how


human


is


god?


don't


know


why


i


am


rabbiting


on


about

a

defeated


notion
















an individual


cannot


challenge


the


might


of


the


state




successfully


anyway


you


do


it


to


your


own


destruction
















education


is


a


malignant


cancer


on


the


brain


of humanity


dumbed


down


conformist


solutions


in

a

a

box

what


else


can


you


say?
















the more i read of


the lives

of


the philosophers and


poets


theres


just


one


lesson


its


not


worth


it


wails


from


hell


and


songs from


heaven