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Karaoke Humor

The Top Ten Reasons Karaoke is Better Than Sex

10. With Karaoke, you're always sure you can find someone worse than you are.
9. You don't feel obligated to buy someone dinner for singing Karaoke with you.
8. When you sing Karaoke, it's OK to have multiple partners.
7. It's OK to sing Karaoke with your sister.
6. With Karaoke, you never have to be sorry about forgetting your lines.
5. It's OK to drink too much and sing Karaoke.
4. With Karaoke, no one will complain about the size of your microphone.
3. It's OK to sing Karaoke in front of your neighbors.
2. You'll never feel uncomfortable knowing your parents still sing Karaoke.
1. No one complains about a 3-minute Karaoke performance.




Karaonics

The Unofficial Glossary Of Karaoke Terminology Compliments of Greg L. At the J.O.L.T Karaoke Discussion Forum. Definitions come from singers, karaoke hosts, audience members, bar owners, and the like.

Accompanist
Someone who always has to play an instrument (i.e. harmonica), bang on the table or clap along during one's song.
Aquaschmuch
Someone who goes to karaoke and only drinks water to avoid spending money...can be easily identified, as they are usually the biggest complainers about the rotation.
Arhythmia Idiotica
The one guy who always claps out of rhythm with the rest of the crowd, just to annoy others.
Audio Deficit
When the music fades out, but words are still left on the screen to sing.
Audio Repeatus
Hearing the same song twice in one night.
Audiomaniac
A KJ that runs back and forth adjusting the sound every minute as if they were running the L.A. Marathon.
Audiophool
Someone who knows nothing about audio, but always tries to tell the KJ how to run the sound..."hey, can get some reverb, maaaaan?".
Auditory Delusion
When someone actually thinks that cupping their hand over their ear makes them sound better.
Bathroom Break (also known as "Smoke Break")
A song, whenever performed, no matter how well performed, induces a customer or customers to head to the bathroom, outside, or anywhere else from the karaoke singing space.
Bohemia Nervosa
The irresistible urge to "bang" one's head in the instrumental break of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Boogie Compulsion
A disorder which compels otherwise conservative individuals to stampede blindly to the dance floor when someone sings "Play That Funky Music".
Cave Dweller
Someone who wraps their hand around the mic, thinking it looks cool, completely unaware that it makes their voice sound like they're singing Aqualung.
Clappus Alonus
You are the only one clapping.
Clappus Falsalarmus
Accidentally clapping for the dance music. This is usually paired with the aforementioned Clappus Alonus, & usually quickly followed by Clappus Interuptus.
Clappus Interuptus
Clapping, then suddenly stopping when you realize the song isn't over.
Courtesy Clap
Applause that only happens because the audience is glad the song is over.
Dance Re-mix
A disc that always skips during a performance.
Dedication
Any ballad sung in the hopes of gaining female companionship for the evening.
Dorkapella
Someone who continues to sing even when the song is over, and refuses to stop until the KJ
or the next singer grabs the mic from them.
Double Take
A singer who always misses the first part of the song, and the host has to start it over.
Draft Card
A request slip with someone's name on it who has not volunteered to sing.
Drive-By
Cruising past a show trying to estimate how big the rotation is without making the "commitment" of walking in.
Fake Virgin
A person performing on a karaoke stage for the first time in his or her life, but has sung in front of audiences before (i.e., was in a band, in choir, in opera, etc.).
Faux Boost
The act of complimenting a singer's not-so-good performance.
Fire Drill
Any song that causes large groups of people to head immediately for the nearest exit and line up outside.
Germicrophobia
The fear of "catching something" from the last singer by using the same microphone...resulting in the singer trying any of a dozen "sneaky" ways to wipe off the mic.
Ghost Singer
A person who puts in a song, promptly disappears until after they are called, then mysteriously re-appears.
Hit and Run
Someone who hangs around just long enough to sing, then vaporizes without a word.
Hollywood Kisses
Those annoying, plastic comments intended to gain favor from a host...(often recognizeable because of the repeated use of the word "really")...."We just love ya, babe...really...you're just the greatest host that ever lived...really...let's do lunch sometime...really".
Homicide
When a singer performs a song he or she has never performed before (see suicide), and knows from the very start that the performance will be quite bad.
Hunting Season
The time where people who don't normally go to a certain karaoke show will go, IF THERE'S A CONTEST.
Illusionist
A singer whose voice is in complete conflict with their looks...(example - she's dressed like Pasty Cline, and next thing you know she breaks out with Guns 'N Roses).
Irritagent
A non-singer who represents their "friend" to the host...and tries to get the KJ to move them up because they are "a so much better singer than all of these guys".
Karaboo
The discouraged practice of letting a singer know that despite what the host said, the singer actually stank to high hell.
Karachokie
When you try a song you've never done before, and blow it badly.
Karadultury
Someone who sings a duet with one person and leaves the bar with another.
Karaflare
The act of flicking cigarette lighters or matches in order to pay homage to a particular song.
Karaglyphics
Unreadable scribblings on a song slip.
Karahokie
Those so called "standards" which are so far out that absolutely no one in their right (or wrong) mind ever does them. Example- "Gilligan's Island", "Flintstones", et al.
Karalloquial Dialect
The different ways to pronounce the word "Karaoke" based on what region a person is from.
Karamputee
Someone who's been cut out of the rotation for one reason or another.
Karamuck
The unidentifiable substance between the pages in a songbook that causes them to stick together.
Karandrogynous
Being able to sing male and female parts to a certain song.
Karaoke
What pall bearers do at a funeral in Oklahoma.
Karaoke Alzheimer's
A singer turns in a song, then 5 minutes later has to come up and ask the host what they put in.
Karaoke Paranoia
A condition which makes a singer go up every 3 minutes to ask when they're up...resembles symptoms displayed by cocaine addicts.
Karaoke Stutterer
Someone who tries to sing along to a skipping disc.
Karaoke Terrorism
Drafting another person to sing without their knowledge.
Karoakephobia
When someone is so scared of karaoke, that they push the book away from them as if it were an odious thing that will metaphysically transport them on stage if they open it.
Karaophie
That annoying kid who shows up every week and bellows into the mike while adoring parent(s) look on and the rest of the place holds their ears. "Gollee Andy...jus' listen to the lil' rascal"!
Karaogre
The loner who never talks to anyone, never sits with anyone and is always a grouch...just want's to sing.(hey! this is fun).
Karacutie
The girl who sings gawdawful, but is so darn cute all the guys don't care and cheer her on.
Karap
Any song that makes you want to Karaboo, see also Karayucky from singer's forum.
Karaslinky
A microphone cord which refuses to straighten out, no matter which way you try to unwind it.
Karasoapies
Those people who cannot resist telling you all about the latest trials and tribulations in their lives. ( This affliction could be triggered by Karadultry).
Karenema
The art of pulling a song out of your a*s when you least expect it.
Kroakie
A singer who did Mariah Carey at the show the night before, and is now limited to Joe Cocker and Kim Carnes tunes.
Layaway
Someone who turns in a blank request slip just to get in the rotation.
Liquid Courage
Any alcoholic beverage that facilitates a singer coming up on stage.
Lyrictosis
A dreaded disease contracted by karaoke software manufacturers who get the lyrics ridiculously wrong.
Malsetto
Singers who "breathe" their way through a power high song. (aka "Donna Lewis sings Lita Ford").
Martinesque
The quality of a singer that sings while simultaneously holding a drink and a cigarette in their free hand.
McMicrophone
A mic of such low quality that, instead of clapping, the audience asks the singer if they could "have some fries with that"
Milli Vanilli
A singer that goes up with another person, then won't take the microphone, and just stands there and mouths the words the whole time.
Mondegreen (an actual term)
Printed lyrics on CDG's that sound similar to, but are in fact not the real lyrics of a given song. Most often seen on Music Maestro CDG's.
Nicomagnetism
The mysterious quality of cigarette smoke to waft toward the singers at the table, regardless of position.
Nom De Mic
A fake name someone uses to cheat their way to the top of the rotation.
Orphan
A person who was "ditched" by their friends and inevitably ends up asking the KJ for a ride home.
Overmodulator
A singer who constantly screams into a microphone. Everything they sing sounds like it's being performed by Megadeth...even "The Rose".
Phlegmic Cellulose
That unidentified moist substance that breeds in microphone covers.
Pitchforking
Changing the key of a song so radically that the background singers sound like they're either on Quaaludes or helium.
Port-a-potty
Taking the wireless mic into the bathroom in order to avoid "tap dancing".
Premature Clap
Clapping before the song is actually over.
Premature Evacuation
Singer quits during the song and goes and sits down.
Projection Impaired
When a singer sings so quietly that a KJ has to turn the mic up to the point of feedback.
Proofreader
Someone who always has to point out the typos in the songbook.
Proximoron
A singer who somehow feels that in order to properly speak to the KJ, it is necessary to get as close to the equipment as possible...especially when the tray of the CD player is open. (GRRRRRRRRR.)
Pseudohost
A singer who tries to act like a KJ, but is completely devoid of "people skills"...typically trying to get the crowd going by insulting them..."What's the matter with you guys?"/"Are you guys awake out there?!?!?".
Quick Change Artist
Someone who changes their song more than 3 times in a night...usually right before they sing.
Recycler
Someone who changes their mind and scratches out their song so many times, that eventually they are forced to use the back of the request form.
Repeat Offender
Someone who pipes up with a cliché like "Is This Thing On?", thinking it's funny...completely unaware that hundreds of people have already said it that night.
Rotation
The order in which customers of karaoke establishments will sing, usually determined by the order in which customers make requests to sing and altered by additions of customers arriving later at the establishment than others. If used correctly and ethically, time on stage will be allocated fairly to all people who wish to sing.
Special Request
The most common excuse for a host to sing in a 50 person rotations, even though the person requesting the song is never identified.
Stanley & Livingstoned
The extremely drunk singer who always wanders off right before their turn, and their friend who is sent to go find them.
Suicide
When a singer performs a song he or she has never performed before.
Tap Dancer
Someone who didn't make it to the bathroom before their song came up.
The Dark Side Of Karaoke
People who take karaoke TOO SERIOUSLY and cleave to it to fill deep emotional voids, if it weren't for karaoke, they'd be on the rooftop with an AK-47. "Dark-siders" can easily be identified by dropping by a location 3 hours before the show starts, they'll be sitting there waiting.
The Eebie Freebies
That unnerving and irritating feeling a bartender gets when a water/soda drinker sits down at the bar.
The Nutcracker Sweat
The terror experienced by a male singer before singing any Peter Cetera song.
Titleist
Someone who calls themselves the "queen" or "king" of karaoke, but usually sings like Roseanne Barr.
Tutor
Someone who always has to help others fill out their request slips and find songs.
Typhoid Kary
Any idiot who sings with a communicable illness.
Ultrasonic
Songs that are so high that only dogs can hear them (anything by Mariah Carey).
Vibrato Non Grata
"Trilling" your voice inappropriately on every note of a song, to the point that you sound like you're singing in an earthquake (Vibrato is supposed to be used as an accent, not a weapon).
Virgin
A person performing on a karaoke stage for the first time ever in his or her life.
Wannaroadie
People who insist on trying to help break down equipment, over the objections of the host.


     

   

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