The worst was those stores
that didn't have any mirrors inside the dressing rooms, so you'd be forced
to
come outside, into the store, in full view of the clerks and the customers,
in order to see what you looked like.
It was like a broken record for me, when that happened, having to explain
why the clothes fit the way they did,
explain why I was shaped that way or why I had a big scar down my back.
Why I would have to try damn near
every pair of jeans in the store before finding one that sort of fit
me. Why I didn't want the sleeveless shirt, the
halter top, the strapless dress, the tight-fitting skirt, the skin-tight
pants or the tailored jacket. I was a freak of
nature, that's why! I wasn't normal, I wasn't perfect like you
and like everybody else! I wanted to run out of the
mall and into an oncoming bus!
And in almost every clothing
store there were these large mirrors set up to give you this view of yourself
from all angles, you know? Aaack! How horrible for someone
with scoliosis! You could be in a good mood
and think you're okay with your shape, but then bang!, you see yourself
in one of those set ups and you realise
what you really look like. You just want to die! It would
leave me in despair for weeks.
No, the mall wasn't a pleasant
outing for me, it was hell. It remained that way most of my life,
until a few years
ago after my last surgery. Straighter now, and with a bit better
self-esteem, I can walk into a mall without getting
a panic attack, and can walk out of it without wanting to kill myself.
It was quite a thrill the 1st time I was shopping
for clothes and realised I could pick things on the basis of how pretty
they looked, not on whether or not they'd 'fit'
me (very small category). I could wear a dress, and even a t-shirt!
Alot of skirts, and various styles of clothes still
don't fit me, my hips are crooked, body's kind of twisted, but I have
alot more choice now than I used to, when it
comes to buying clothes. It's a good feeling! I think it's alot
less stressful for mom too, when we still happen to be
shopping together -- it's quite different now, I think that makes her
fell better, she didn't like to see me so depressed.
I wanted to skip the prom
altogether. But you see, I had failed grade 12 once, and missed the
prom that year,
as well as the graduation. It had really bothered me, so now
that I had finally passed and was graduating, I didn't
want to miss a thing. We ended up having a gown made from scratch,
based on a picture I chose out of a prom
dress catalog. Having a seamstress tailor the dress to my strange
measurements seemed to be the only solution.
It was beautiful, a formal gown of deep royal blue with puffed sleeves
("Anne of Green Gables" fans will understand!).
The dress had a v-neck surrounded by white embroidery embedded with
shiny white pearls, with the same sort of
design embroidered around the edges of the sleeves. The bottom
of the dress was very pretty, with either side of
the blue material lifted up by a white bow to reveal pleats white lace
embroidered material...I had blue gloves and
blue shoes to match. It wasn't your typical, modern prom dress.
This was a traditional "fairy tale" dress.
But this wasn't Disney,
there was no Fairy Godmother to wave her magic wand and make everything
alright.
The dress might initially sound beautiful, but in order to compensate
for the hunch in my back, she had to leave extra
material in the back of the dress. This didn't look good, so
we decided on adding a sort of flap in the back to
cover that up. I felt that it was too strange, since most girls
had dresses with the backs open and mine would look
odd in comparison. My boyfriend, friends and family all said
it looked great, but I wasn't convinced. I think the
whole thing had been too much for me. When prom night came, my friends
had come over to pick me and C. up
and I was still crying in my room. I was refusing to go, and
we were already running behind schedule. I thought
I was ugly, and that the dress was ugly. They convinced me I
looked fine and we went, but I didn't enjoy the night
much, certainly not as much as I should have. I felt horrible
for making such a fuss, for making my friends late to
the prom, and for ruining what would have been a nice night with my
boyfriend.
The positive side to the
whole thing? Well, lucky for me I had a date, and parents who could afford
to get
my prom dress made for me. Even now though, I don't see much
good from that night. It was pretty much ruined.
Ruined by me, by my low self-esteem, by my belief that I was ugly even
in a beautiful gown. All I could see and
feel was the scoliosis. Nothing else. It was me and my
scoliosis, against a high school gym full of normal,
straight-backed people. I just wished I could have stayed in
bed that day.
Looking back, it's such a
shame that my perceptions were so twisted. The photos of the prom
are the best
pictures of me ever, and in fact I did end up having a good time at
the end of the evening. If only I could have put
my negativity aside and enjoyed myself, like a 'normal' person!
How ironic...Like a 'normal' person.
Here's a picture of me at my senior prom:
