Chapter Eight: Communication and Relational Dynamics
Why we Form Relationships
In a national survey, roughly 1/4 of Americans says he or she has felt very lonely or remote from other people in the last two weeks. (Perlmans and Peplau 1998) from Becoming Aware.
"People are lonely
because they build walls instead of bridges."
Joseph Newton
Attraction
Similarity and Complementary: Successful couples were those who were similar enough to satisfy each other physically and mentally but were different enough to meet each other's needs and keep the relationship interesting.
The matching hypothesis proposes that people of similar levels of physical attractiveness gravitate towards each other.
Reciprocal Attraction: We like people who like us.
Competence: We like to be around people who are competent but not perfect.
Disclosure: Revealing information about yourself can help build liking.
Proximity: We tend to develop relationships with people we interact with frequently.
The Mere-exposure effect explains this in part. The more we are exposed to a novel stimuli-- a new person or a new product--our liking for such stimuli will increase
Researchers had 4 equally attractive women sit silently in a 200 student class for 0, 5, 10, and 15 sessions. At the end of the class, the students were shown slides of each woman; the students rated the ones they had seen the most as most attractive.
Intimacy
90% of terminally ill patients put intimate relationships on the top of the list of what matters most in life.
Dimensions of Intimacy.
Intimacy comes from physical sharing, intellectual sharing, emotional sharing, and shared activities.
Get on good terms with yourself
and see how quickly others
get on good terms with you.
Napolean Hill
Masculine and Feminine Intimacy Styles.
Who does the most sharing of thoughts and feelings?
At every age, women disclose more than men.
Female-female relationships followed by Male-Female relationship then Male-male relationship
Both sexes reveal negative information, men are less likely to reveal positive emotions.
Women grow closer by personal talk
Men grow closer by doing things.
75% of men surveyed said their most meaningful experiences with friends came through shared activities rather than talking.
Men regarded practical help as a measure of caring.
For men, a friend is a person who does things for you and with you.
Fathers tend to show affection to sons through doing favors and helping sons with tasks and challenges.
Cultural Influences on Intimacy
Mainstream North America-- United States are more disclosing than any nation studied.
Studies of various cultures showed that the major differences between European and Asian Cultures are the rules for dealing with intimacy: Showing emotions, expressing affection in public, conducting sexual activity, respecting privacy, and so on.
Germans and Japanese tend to disclose little about themselves
Rewards
Social Exchange Theory
We seek out people who will give us rewards greater than or equal to the costs we encounter in dealing with them.
Rewards-Costs=Outcome
Costs and rewards can be internal, external, or intrinsic
Altman and Taylor's theory that members weigh the costs versus the rewards
Extrinsic Reward: Gained from association with the person: "New contacts"
Intrinsic Rewards: Gained from exchange of intimacy:
Instrumental Rewards: Basic exchange of goods and services: Share rent and furniture
Extrinsic Costs: Have to share your friends and time
Intrinsic Costs: Have to self disclose
Instrumentals Costs: Have to share your belongings
A person who feels like the costs are more than the rewards will likely attempt to discontinue the relationship
The average man is more interested in a woman who is interested in him than he is in a woman with beautiful legs. Marlene Dietrich
Attributes Rated Most Attractive By Members of the Opposite Sex
Female Attributes
Displayed a good sense of humor
Kept herself well-groomed
Was sympathetic to his troubles
Showed good manners
Showered daily
Kept physically fit to create a healthy appearance
Made up jokes to make men laugh
Made an effort to spend a lot of time with him.
Wore stylish, fashionable clothes
Offered to help him.
Male Attributes
Displayed a good sense of humor
Was sympathetic to her troubles
Showed good manners
Kept himself well groomed
Made an effort to spend a lot of time with her
Offered to help her
Showered daily
Kept physically fit to create a healthy appearance
Exercises
Wore attractive outfits
(Buss 1989)
What Do Men and Women Want in a Love Relationship?
What men like
in order of importance
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What women like
in order of importance
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Taking walks together
Kissing
Candle-lit dinners
Cuddling
Hugging
Flowers
Holding Hands
Making Love
Love letters
Sitting by the fireplace
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Taking walks together
Flowers
Kissing
Candle-lit dinners
Cuddling
Declaring "I love you"
Love leters
Slow dancing
Hugging
Giving surprise gifts
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(Livermore 1993)
from Becoming Aware by Velma Walker and Lynn Brokaw
Flirting
according to research done by Monica Moore at the University of Missouri
Flirting = nonverbal courtship interest
Women...
Signals interest with glances that may be brief and darting or direct and sustained
Often she smiles at the same time and gestures with her hands--often with an open or extended palm.
Primping (adjusting clothing or playing with hair) is common
A flirting woman will also make herself more noticeable by sitting straighter with stomach pulled in and breasts pushed out.
Once eye contact is made the woman increases the level of flirting
She orients her body toward his
Whispers in his ear
Frequently nods and smiled in response to his conversations.
She touches the man or allows him to touch her.
Use play behaviors: Tease, mock, hit and tell jokes, not only to inject humor but also to test a man's receptivity.
Research says that flirting may be the single most important thing a woman can do to increase her attractiveness.
Models of Relational Development and Maintenance
Knapp's Stages of Relationships
Coming Together
Initiating-brief initial contact
Experimenting-Seeking out common ground; small talk
I ntensifying- Express feeling in communication, spend more time together, familiar forms of address.
Integrating-They become a social unit; develop shared identities.
Bonding-Make symbolic public gestures to show the world the relationship exists.
Coming Apart
Differentiation- Partners seek to gain privacy from each other, often occurs in times of stress
Circumscribing-Communication decreases in quantity and quality. . Members withdrawal. Shrinking of interest and commitment
Stagnating-No growth occurs, Partners act in old familiar ways without much feeling. Workers reach this phase when they become bored with their jobs.
Avoiding-Create physical distance between each other.
Terminating-Summary dialogs of where the relationship has gone and the desire to disassociate.
Dialectical Perspectives
Dialectical tensions-conflicts that arise when two opposing or incompatible forces exist simultaneously
Connection Vs Autonomy
One reason for relational breakup is the failure of partners to fulfill one another's needs for connection or to make excessive demands for connection. :"We barely spent any time together." "We had different needs." "I feel trapped."
Desmond Morris says that we repeatedly go through 3 stages
Hold me tight
Put me down
Leave me alone
Predictability Vs Novelty
Stability is an important need in relationships but too much of it can lead to feelings of staleness.
Openness Vs Privacy
Partners need to feel open and yet maintain some privacy.
Managing Dialectical Tensions
Denial: Deny a problem exists
Disorientation: Members feel overwhelmed and are unable to confront the problem
Alternation: Alternate ways and times to approach things.
Balance: Partners try to manage through compromise
Integration: Partners accept opposing forces without trying to diminish them.
Recalibraton: Reframing the problem so that the apparent contradiction disappears
Reaffirmation: Embrace challenges presented by tensions
Two monologues do not make a dialogue.
~ Jeff Daly ~
Types of Love
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Love Statement
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Corresponds to
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Game-playing
(treating love like a game or sport)
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Catch me if you can. I enjoy dating others and am not willing to make a commitment yet
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Ludus
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Possessive
(wanting to bind the partner in an enduring relationships)
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I need to know where she it at all times. I want you to be with me and not your friends
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Mania
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Logical
(treating love as a practical, down to earth decisions)
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I try to plan my life carefully before I will make a serious commitment to someone.
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Pragma
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Altruistic
(sacrificing for the sake of love; putting one's own happiness above your own)
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My partners future is more important than mine. I'll do anything for her.
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Agape
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Compassionate
(loving, affections, compassionate and friendship that develops over time)
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We're best friends, we like to do everything together
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Storge
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Exotic
(sheer physical excitement and sexual pleasure)
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It's funny but we seem to have that chemistry.
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Eros
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Research indicated that women in the United States are more satisfied in relationships with men who are exotic and altruistic.
They are least satisfied with men who are game playing and logical.
Man are most satisfied in relationships with women who are exotic.
They are least satisfied in relationships where women are logical.
Relationships are most satisfactory for both men and women when their partner matches their own type. (Morrow, et al. 1995)
From Becoming Aware by Velma Walker and Lynn Brokaw
Styles of Loving
Eros
Loving is passionate, intense, and fastmoving
May be spiritual, intellectual, or emotional
Storge (pronounced "store-gay")
Comfortable, best friends kind of love
Love that grows gradually to create a stable and even-keeled companionship
Ludus
Playful, sometimes manipulative style of loving
Love is a game, a challenge, a puzzle
Not about commitment
Mania
Marked by emotional extremes
Lovers are insecure of their value and their partners commitment
Agape
Selfless love where a beloved's happiness is more important than one's own
Lovers are generous, unselfish, and devoted
Pragma
Pragmatic, goal oriented style of loving
Rely on reason and practical considerations to select people to love
Philo
Brotherly love
Robert Sternberg's Theory of Love
Love includes 3 direct components
1) Passions: An intense physiological desire for another person
2) Intimacy: The feeling that one can share all one's thought and actions with another
3) Commitment: The willingness to stay with a person through think and thin, or for better or worse, or in sickness or health.
Ten Qualities of a Friend
(In Order of Importance)
Keeps confidence
Loayalty
Warmth and affection
Supportiveness
Frankness
Sense of Humor
Willingness ot make time fr me
Independence
Good conversationalist
Intelligence
Psychology Today 1979
Characteristics of Relational Development and Maintenance
Relationships are constantly changing
A Helical Model of Relational Cycles: Richanrd Convill describes relationships like a cycle in which partners move through a series of stages, returning to one's they previously encountered, although on a new level. In this cycle, partners move from security to disintegration, to alimentation, to resyntehsis, to a new level of security. The process then repeats itself.
When college students were asked to identify the person they felt closest to,
47% named a romantic partner,
36% identified a friend
14% listed a family member
3% named another person such as a coworker or fellow student.
(Bercheid, Snyder, and Omoto 1989) in Becoming Aware
Self Disclosure in Relationships
Degrees of Self Disclosure
Irwin Altman and Dalmas Tayler have the Social Penetration Model.
They look at self disclosure in terms of its breath and depth
In a casual relationship there is breath but no depth.
Levels of Self Disclosure
Clichés are ritualized stock responses to social situations; How are you Fine, thank you!
Facts: Intentional, significant facts
Opinion: More revealing
Feelings
JoHari Window: Model of Self Disclosure
A Model that takes its name from Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham.
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Known to Self
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Not Known to Self
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Known to Others
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Blind Pane
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Open Pane
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Not Known to Others
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Unknown Pane
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Hidden Pane
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Open Pane-free to self and others
Blind Pane-Things others know about us that we don't know
Hidden Pane-Open to self and hidden from others
Unknown Pane-Unknown to self and others.
Characteristics of Self Disclosure
Self-Disclosure Usually Occurs in Dyads
Self-Disclosure Occurs Incrementally
Relatively Few Transactions Involve High Levels of Self Disclosure
Self Disclosure is Relatively Scarce
Reasons for Self-Disclosure
Catharsis: Get it off your chest
Reciprocity: One act of self-disclosure begets another
Self-Clarification: Clarify beliefs, opinions. Thoughts, attitudes or feelings; Talking the problem out
Self Validation: Disclose information with the hope of obtaining the listener's agreement
Identity Management: Attempts to make ourselves more attractive
Relationship Maintenance and Enhancement:
Social Control: Revealing information may increase your control over the situation or a person
Manipulation Set out to achieve a desired result
Guidelines for Self Disclosure
Is the other person important to you?
Is the Risk of Disclosing Reasonable?
Is the Disclosure Relevant to the Situation at Hand?
Are the Amount and Type of Disclosure Appropriate?
Will the Effect be Constructive?
Is the Self-Disclosure Clear and Understandable?
Is the Self-Disclosure Reciprocated?
Alternatives to Self-Disclosure
Lying
130 subjects were asked to keep track of their everyday conversational statements. Only 38.5% of these statements proved to be true
Reasons for lying
To save face: "You didn't receive the check, I put it in the mail."
To avoid tension of conflict. "I'm not mad at you its just been a tough day."
To guide social interaction: Pretend to be glad to see someone
To expand or reduce relationships. "You're headed downtown? I'm headed that way. Could I give you a ride? The majority of college students claimed they willing lied to improve their chances of getting a date with an attractive partner.
To reduce interaction: "You're great. Im just not ready to settle down yet."
To gain power: Lying to get confidential information.
2 out of 3 lies are told for the benefit of the speaker.
Of 322 lies recorded, 75.8 percent were for the benefit of the liar.
22% were for the benefit of the hearer
2.5% were intended to aid a third party.
Equivocating
Equivocating language is language that has two equally plausible meaning.
"It a very unique shirt."
It spares the receiver from embarrassment
It can save face for both the sender and the receiver
It provides an alternative to lying.
Hinting
"I'm pretty sure that smoking isn't permitted here."
"Gee, it's almost lunchtime. Have you ever eaten at the new Italian restaurant around the corner?"
Happiness may be had
only by helping others to find it
Napolean Hill
Research has shown that the more a couple is willing to disclose about themselves, the greater the marital satisfaction and the greater the chance the relationship will last a long time.
What makes a Happy and Successful Marriage?
9 out of 10 people will eventually marry--most of them during their 20's and 30's
Happily married couples spend a lot of time focused together doing what they both enjoy, much as they did in their courtship says before they married.
They share many of the same values, such as importance of physical intimacy, child rearing practices, religious beliefs, and morals.
These couples exhibited a high degree of flexibility -- they have the ability to accept change in their partner's as well as changes in the nature of the married relationship. (Klagsburn, 1995)
Other factors in marital success
Age at time of marriage--couples who marry young have a higher divorce rate
Socioeconomic class -- the frequency of divorce is higher in working and lower classes than in upper and middle classes.
Length of Courtship-- longer periods of courtship are associated with greater probability of marital success
Family background-people whose parents were unhappily married are more likely than others to have an unsatisfactory marriage
Personality-- if one or both partners have a serious psychological or emotional disorder, problems will occur.
Cohabitation--About 40% of those cohabiting will eventually marry and the majority of those break up within 3 years. Marriages preceded by cohabitation are less happy and less durable.
Happily Married couples
Survey of 576 couples who had been married for at least 50 years.
98% said they did not try to change their partner
91% said they confided in their spouses
83% said they showed affection every day
89% said they felt their spouses were understanding
Men were more likely to define their marriages in a positive light than the women were
Happy couples sit closer together and touch each other
Unhappy couple touch less and are more likely to maintain closed postures by crossing their arms in front of themselves
Psychologist John Gottman studies couples for 20 years and concludes that there is no difference in the amount of conflict between happily married couples and couples who divorce.
Couples who often divorce engage in corrosive communication patterns...complaining, criticizing, expressing contempt, and worst of all stonewalling (relying on the exit response to conflict and refusing to discuss issues).
The Top Seven Reasons that Make Marriage Last
According to a poll in Psychology Today 1985
My spouse is my best friend
I like my spouse as a person
Marriage is a long term commitment
Marriage is sacred
We agree on aims and goals
My spouse has grown more interesting
I want the relationship to succeed.
The most frequent reason given for a lasting marriage is having a positive attitude toward one's partner.
From Becoming Aware by Velma Walker and Lynn Brokaw
How to Win Friends and Influence People
This is Dale Carnegie's summary of his book, from 1936
Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
Give honest and sincere appreciation.
Arouse in the other person an eager want.
Six ways to make people like you
Become genuinely interested in other people.
Smile.
Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.
Win people to your way of thinking
The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."
If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
Begin in a friendly way.
Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
Appeal to the nobler motives.
Dramatize your ideas.
Throw down a challenge.
Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
A leader's job often includes changing your people's attitudes and behavior. Some suggestions to accomplish this:
Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.
Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
Let the other person save face.
Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."
Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
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