Gender Differences
Many people perceive a style difference
as the other person's personal failing.
If we could see style differences for what they are,
then a lot of blaming and negative feelings could be eliminated.
Nothing hurts more than being told your intentions are bad
when you know they are good, or being told you are doing something wrong when you know you're just doing it your way. Deborah Tannen
Gender and Language
Women
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Men
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friends talk about personal and domestic subjects, relationship problems, family, health, and reproductive matters, weight, clothing, food, men, and other women
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Friends talked about music, current events, sports, business, and other men.
Both groups talked about personal appearance, sex, and dating.
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Gossiped about close friends and family
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Gossiped about sports figures and media personalities.
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Emphasize feelings, relationships and personal problems
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Emphasize making conversations fun by joking and good-natured teasing
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Talk is the essence of relationships. Empathy is important, "to know your not alone." Said conversations were something they needed
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Said conversations were something they liked but not what they needed. Enjoy the humor and rapid pace of conversations. . Regard talk as a game. Liked to learn new ways to solve problems.
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Use statements to show support, demonstrate equality, and try to keep the conversation going. Many statements of sympathy and empathy. "The same thing happened to me!" "How did you feel about that?"
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Use statements to accomplish the job at hand. Use conversation to exert control, preserve their independence, and enhance their status. Men offer advice rather tan share experiences. "That's nothing to
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Powerless statements, "This is just my opinion..."
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More direct. "Here's what I think.
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50% of women surveyed said they called friends at least once a week just to talk
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Less than half of the men said they called friends to chat.
40% of the men said they never called another man just to chat.
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Girls use talk to maintain harmony.
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Boys use talk to assert control
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Ages 2-5 Girls were more cooperative then boys. Uses words like "Let's" Such as "Let's go find" or "Let's turn back."
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Ages 2-5 boys gave orders. "Lie down" and "Give me your arm."
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Women ask more questions in mixed sex conversations than do men--nearly three times as many
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Men swear more than women
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Interrupt to lend support
(other research says that Men interrupt to change or dominate conversations and women interrupt to lend support or finish sentences and thus they interrupt with equal frequency but differently)
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Men interrupt women more. Interrupt to change or dominate conversation.
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Talk judged more aesthetic
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Talk judged more dynamic, aggressive, and strong. Male job applicants were rated more fluent, active, and confident.
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More likely to use intensive adjectives: "He's really interested."
More emotional References: "If he really cared about you..."
More uncertainty verbs: "It seems to me..."
More contradictions: It's cold but that's OK."
Women's speech is characterized by more indirect, elaborate, and focused on relationships.
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More likely to use more judgmental attitudes "Reading can be a drag." More directives: "Think of some more." More I references: "I have a lot to do."
Men's speech is more direct, succinct, personal, and task oriented.
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Are more likely to have tentative conversations in mixed gendered communication
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Are more likely to have their topics pursued in mixed gendered communication.
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Do more work in mixed conversations to keep the topics point. Women are more willing to adapt and accommodate the topics that men raise
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Men are more likely to talk about themselves with women than with other men.
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In a study where raters looked at only transcripts of speech, they were able to tell which was male speech and which was female.
SEVERAL RESEARCH REVIEWS FOUND THAT THE WAYS WOMEN AND MEN COMMUNICATE ARE MUCH MORE SIMILAR THAN DIFFERENCE.
In an analysis of over 1,200 research studies there was only a 1% variance in communication behavior resulted from gender patterns.
Based on the many similarities, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" should be replaced by "Men are from North Dakota and Women are from North Dakota."
From Looking Out Looking In by Adler and Towne
A man is commanding-a woman is demanding
A man is forceful-a woman is pushy
He's assertive-she's aggressive
He strategizes-she manipulates
He's committed-she's obsesses
He sticks to his guns-she's stubborn
He shows leadership-she's controlling
He's perservering-she's relentless
Barbara Streisand
Gender and Nonverbal
Women make more eye contact than men do with conversational partners
Women are more vocally expressive than men
Women interact at closer distances, both with men and with other women, than do men in same sex conversations.
Men are more likely to lean forward in conversation s than women
Men require and are given more personal space than women
Women are more likely to face conversational partners head on, whereas men more typically angle their bodies obliquely when speaking
Women express more feeling via facial expression than men. Most noticeably, women smile considerably more than men.
Women gesture more and use more expressive gestures.
Exhaustive research has shown that sex differences in communication are so minor that men and women's communication are about 99% similar and only 1% different. Of course this 1% can be powerful as in the case of the masculine acting woman or the feminine acting man.
Monica Moore spend hundreds of hours observing women and men courting one another. Moore discovered that the women most commonly makes the initial decision about whether to encourage contact by nonverbally signaling her interest to a man.
From Looking Out Looking In by Adler and Towne
Variables in Conflict Styles
Gender
Preschool to early adolescence studies have shown
Boys try to get their way by ordering one another around: "Lie down"
Girls are more likely to make proposals for actions:"Let's go ask her."
Boys tell each other what role to take in pretend: "Come on, be the doctor."
Girls ask what role each other wants: "Will you be the patient for a few minutes."
Boys make demands without offering an explanation: "Look man, I want wire cutters right now."
Girls give reasons for their suggestions: "We gotta clean em first 'cause they got germs."
Men and Women view conflict in contrasting ways:
Female students descried men as being concerned with power and more interested in content than relational issues.
Phrases used to describe male conflict styles included: "The most important thing to males in conflict is their egos.""Men don't worry about feelings." "Men are more direct"
Women were described as being more concerned with maintaining the relationship during a conflict.
Phrases used to describe female conflict styles included: "Women are better listeners." "Women try to solve problems without controlling the other person." "Females are more concerned with other's feelings."
When the actual conflict behaviors of both sexes are observed, women turn out to be more assertive than men about expressing their ideas and feelings, and men are more likely to withdraw from discussion issues.
When men communicate with women they become less aggressive and more cooperative than they are in all male groups,.
Both men and women appear less tolerant of assertive behavior when it comes form a woman.
Most theorists say the primary reason for differences in conflict style is socialization.
Research has demonstrated that there are some small measurable differences. Although men and women have characteristically different conflict styles, the individual style or the communicator and the nature of the relationship are more important than gender in shaping the way he or she handles conflict.
From Looking Out Looking In by Adler and Towne
Masculine and Feminine Intimacy Styles.
Who does the most sharing of thoughts and feelings?
At every age, women disclose more than men.
Female-female relationships followed by Male-Female relationship then Male-male relationship
Both sexes reveal negative information, men are less likely to reveal positive emotions.
Women grow closer by personal talk
Men grow closer by doing thing.
75% of men surveyed said their most meaningful experienced with friends came through shared activities rather than talking.
Men regarded practical help as a measure of caring.
For men, a friend is a person who does things for you and with you.
Fathers tend to show affection to sons through doing favors and helping sons with tasks and challenges.
From Looking Out Looking In by Adler and Towne
Gender and Language
According to Deborah Tannen-Sociolinguist
Feminine Talk
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Masculine Talk
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Rapport Talk
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Report Talk
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Language that leads to intimacy
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Goal is to maintain status
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Language to establish relationships
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Goal to demonstrate knowledge, skill
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Matching Communication
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1- Up Communication
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Wants to talk about problems
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Talks about fixing problems
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Use more personal pronouns
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Interrupt more
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Make requests: "Would you please write this down."
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Give directives "Write this down"
"You Should" "Why don't you"
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Use more questions: Uses questions to include others
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Asks questions to gain information
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Use more justifies "I say this because"
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Uses powerful language
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Gossips about friends and family
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Gossips about political and sports figures and powerful people
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Use more intensive adjectives: Really, very
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Treat communication as a contest
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Soften Language "Let's"
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Interrupts more
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Doesn't commit to topics unless certain
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Speaks as an authority
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Uses empty adj. "cute, nice"
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Talks about relationships and feelings
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Talks about doing things or how to get things done
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Talks about people
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Talks about business and news
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Uses hedges, "sort of" " I guess"
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In class, more comfortable working in small groups
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In class, welcomes arguments and challenges
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In class, offers personal anecdotes
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Rejects anecdotal information as unimportant
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Women tend to collect facts about family & friends and men tend to collect data on famous people--political and sports figures
an essay summarizing gender research
Men are Clams: Women are Crowbars
David Clarke, Ph.D.
Men want Control
Women want Communication
The Male Zone
"The Male zone is a periodic mental blank spot that men move into without warning. During the "zone," there appears to be very little, is any brain activity. For a brief period, conscious thought ceases. (83) The woman, being a woman, has to ask this question: "What were you thinking about?" The man, being a man, with all sincerity has to respond: "Nothing." The woman can't believe it. "What do you mean, nothing?" She can't conceive of going lank and having nothing on her mind. It's never happened to her. She's convinced he's lying. He had to be thinking something?" (84)
Women Wing It, Men Mull Over It
"Women process as they talk. They make connections and figure out their reactions as they go...Very often, a woman will start a conversation this way: "I don't know how I feel, but..." She'll pull the whole thing together somehow. Of course, the man is thinking: "Well, if you don't know, be quiet. Let me know when you've figured it all out." He wants the short condensed version, not the long, drawn out one. " (88)
Men Must Ride The Train
"Men do their processing internally. It's a big secret. Before a man will share verbally what's inside, he'll go through a series of steps. A man won't wing it...No way, he'll go through his painstaking mental inventory every time. He has to--he's a man. He won't blurt something out that might embarrass him." (90)
"You can't expect a man to spontaneously share what's inside. You have a right to expect him to share personally with you. Without mutual sharing, your relationship can't be deep and intimate. What I'm saying is you have to let him do his personal sharing his way." (96)
It is best to announce an important decision making talk and then let the man "ride the train" and think about the information and then come back together and talk about the topic and let the woman "wing it. "
How To Make A Great Conversation
"Here's the deal the two of you make, The woman allows the man his time and space to process. She realizes his need for the train and lets him board without resistance. The man agrees to find out what's inside, come back to the woman, and initiate the talk." (115)
Men are Always Right
"A man has a one-track mind. I'm referring to a man's tendency to believe that he has truth in every situation in life. He as thought about the situation. He has considered all the options. He has objectively applied his logic. He has carefully processed the available facts. Therefore, it follows that his conclusion is the best conclusion. His way is the best way. He is right and you, the woman are wrong." (173)
"A woman, by nature, has a two-tracked mind. She can consider, not just her version of a situation, but also the man's version. She can accept what he is saying and try to somehow reconcile his truth and her truth...When a woman tries to share her view and her feelings about the situation, he's offended. You see her view isn't necessary. He's already delivered the one true view. Can't she see that?" (174)
The Logical Man
"Men primary operate logically. Our first reaction to most situations is logical." "Give me the facts..".It is an impersonal, objective, intellectual reaction....Men do have an emotional reaction, but it is secondary." (144)
"We (men) hate--absolutely hate--situation in which we feel our of control and that's the main problem we have with emotion. For us, emotion is being out of control " (164)
The Emotional Woman
"Women primarily operate...guess how? Emotionally. A woman's first reaction to most situations is emotional" I'm angry, I'm upset and I don't know yet, I'm sensing, I'm going by feel. It is a personal, more subjective, gut-level reaction. A woman automatically attaches herself to a situation and reacts emotionally to every detail in that situation...She does have a logical reaction, but it is secondary. She can be just as logical as the man, but she won't happen until later in the conversation.
"For most men, "facts" are a major part of conversation. For example, when Norma would meet me at the door, she'd often say, "Can we talk tonight?" My first response was always, "About what?" Like detective Joe Friday most men want their wives to "Give me the facts Ma'am, just the facts." Indeed, when the average male runs our of facts, he'll stop talking. (Gary Smalley)
From Men are Clams: Women are Crowbars by David Clarke, Ph.D.
Gender connection--
Michael Schwalbe and Clifford Staples found
men and women form self concept different
Males
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Females
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social comparisons are the most important
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reflected appraisals are the most important
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value reflected appraisals of parents
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value reflected appraisal of friends
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self confidence comes from achievement
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self confidence from attachment
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Men-- value reflected appraisals of parents
From Communicating Effectively by Hybels and Weaver
Gender and Leadership Bias
It is apparent that in professional America that there is an invisible barrier of subtle discrimination that excludes women from top jobs. This concept is referred to as a glass ceiling.
According to a report in 1999 by NBC Nightly News
Only 3 women were CEO's of Fortune 500 companies
Only 7 women were CEO's of Fortune 1000 companies
Only 5% of senior management (Vice president or higher) positions are filled by women.
Only 2.7% of top income earners are women.
On the positive side
The ratio of female to make knowledge workers (engineers, technicians, scientists, professionals, and senior mangers) is almost one to one.
Twenty five years ago fewer than 4% of MBA degrees went to women, now more than one third of all MA's are earned by women.
Almost half 44% of all managers in the US are women
Half of all the law students in the country are women.
40% of all the MD degrees are earned by women as opposed to 6% in 1960.
22% of legislator were women
28% of state executive officials were women.
On the Negative side
Women earn almost half of all the Doctoral degrees however only one quarter of tenured faculty are women.
On average women earn 74 cents for every dollar men earn.
How do we combat this gender-ethnicity bias in emergent leadership in groups?
Twenty percent rule--At least 20% and no fewer than 2 minorities or women
As the number of women and minorities increase in a group, the likelihood that woman or a minority will emerge as leader also increases.
If group members are allowed to mingle, interact, and work on a project before determining a leader the decision is more likely to be made on the basis of individual performance rather than gender.
Engaging in task-relevant communication behavior is a key to emerging as leader of a small task-oriented group.
If women and minorities are among the first to speak in the group they speak fairly frequently.
Leadership chances increase for women and minorities if they hone their communication skills and abilities.
From In Mixed Company by J. Dan Rothwell
Gender/Ethnicity and Group Development
In mixed sex groups, men are normatively assumed to be the task experts whereas women are assumed to be the relationship experts.
This norm emphasizes a lower status role for women (keeping the peace) and a higher status role for males (decisions making)
The 20 Percent Rule
Researchers have observed that discrimination against minorities (and presumably women) drops substantially when no less than 20 percent and no fewer than two members are from a minority
From In Mixed Company by J. Dan Rothwell
Man
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Woman
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Man normally has a higher basal metabolism. He is turning on the air conditioner when she is wrapped in a blanket
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Woman has a lower basal metabolism. She stands higher temperatures but is cold more easily.
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Man has a smaller stomach, kidneys, liver, and appendix, and larger lungs. In brute strength, men are 50% above women.
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Women have a shorter head, broader face, chin less protruding, shorter legs, and longer trunk.
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Men's brains are specialized--the left side of the brain tends to handle verbal tasks and the right side handles spatial tasks.
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The connecting tissue in a women's brain is thicker, allowing for faster crossover of information.
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Men are attentive to things and are more likely to be distracted by novel objects.
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Women are better at perceiving subliminal messages and better at remembering details.
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Men have difficulties communicating sadness
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Women have a hard time expressing anger.
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From Communicate by Communication Research Associates Sixth edition pg. 223.
Different Languages
(Tannen 1992/ Gray 1992)
Men...
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Women...
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Talk about sports, money, facts, business, and events.
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Talk about feelings, relationships, people, and psychological states
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Uses commands to get what they want.
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Use requests.
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Use and respond to actions more than words in communicating.
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Rely on and respond to words in communicating
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Communicate to persuade, argue, control, or impress.
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Communicate to share, inform, or support.
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Language is factual and action oriented
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Language is emotional and evaluative.
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Emphasizes talking rather than listening in conversations
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Emphasizes listening and sharing in conversations
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Uses pauses in conversation for emphasis
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Use "intensifiers" like really,terrifically, tremendously, for emphasis
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Speak mostly in monotone
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Use a variety of tones of voice to convey emotion and meaning
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Express feeling indirectly
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Verbalize feelings directly
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Speak authoritatively regardless of subject.
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Speak in tentative terms
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From Becoming Aware by Velma Walker and Lynn Brokaw
Gender and Self Disclosure
Women
tend to have more friends and closer relationships then men\
are more open and willing to disclose than a man
say to men 'let's talk"
Parents tend to disclose more to daughters than to sons
Males
are socialized not to disclose and so build up more tension and anxiety in their daily lives and are more likely to experience stress related problems
tend to disclose mre to strangers than females do and are more willing to disclose superficial things about themselves such as work, accomplishments, attitudes, and opinions
are less intimate and less personal
are expected not to disclose, it's not "manly"
are socialized to compete and sharing private information can seem to be incompatible with wining.
communicate with women by telling them what to do and giving directions
From Becoming Aware by Velma Walker and Lynn Brokaw
What do men and women do to attract the opposite sex?
Ten actions that women performed more than men:
Went on a diet to improve figure
Kept herself well groomed
Wore stylish, fashionable clothing
Used make-up to accentuate looks
Got a new interesting hairstyle
Laid out in the sun or went to a tanning booth
Smiles a lot at a man
Spent more than an hour on her appearance
Was sympathetic to a man's troubles
Wore perfume or cologne.
Ten actions that men performed more than women:
Told her things she wanted to hear
Talked about how good he was at sports
Bragged about his accomplishments
Mentioned that her expected to earn lots of money
Looked at a woman repeatedly.
Strutted in front of the group.
Bought a woman dinner at a nice restraraunt
Showed off his driving skills
Mentioned that he had a lot of status and prestige among his wok colleagues.
Talked openly about sex.
(Buss 1989)
From Becoming Aware by Velma Walker and Lynn Brokaw
Attributes Rated Most Attractive By Members of the Opposite Sex
Female Attributes
Displayed a good sense of humor
Kept herself well-groomed
Was sympathetic to his troubles
Showed good manners
Showered daily
Kept physically fit to create a healthy appearance
Made up jokes to make men laugh
Made and effort to spend a lot of time with him.
Wore stylish, fashionable clothes
Offered to help him.
Male Attributes
Displayed a good sense of humor
Was sympathetic to her troubles
Showed good manners
Kept himself well groomed
Made an effort to spend a lot of time with her
Offered to help her
Showered daily
Kept physically fit to create a healthy appearance
Exercises
Wore attractive outfits
(Buss 1989)
What Do Men and Women Want in a Love Relationship?
What men like
in order of importance
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What women like
in order of importance
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Taking walks together
Kissing
Candlelit dinners
Cuddling
Hugging
Flowers
Holding Hands
Making Love
Love letters
Sitting by the fireplace
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Taking walks together
Flowers
Kissing
Candlelit dinners
Cuddling
Declaring "I love you"
Love letters
Slow dancing
Hugging
Giving surprise gifts
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(Livermore 1993)
from Becoming Aware by Velma Walker and Lynn Brokaw
Gender and Relationships
Men
tend to think they are compatible with their partner before women do
Men are more likely to be "romantics"
Men are more inclined to believe in love at first sight and to regard true love as magical, impossible to explain or understand.
Women
are more likely to be pragmatists, believing that financial security is as important as passion in nourishing a close relationship and that there are many possible individuals that a person could learn to love.
tend to be more cautions than men before deciding to take the final step
do a lot more work when it comes to making the relationship work
from Becoming Aware by Velma Walker and Lynn Brokaw
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