People are idiots! -- Me People idiots are! -- "Psycho" Delic Are idiots people? -- Adolf Hitler Are people idiots? -- Atom Cat idiots are people! -- Aldonza idiots people are! -- Master Yoda Idiocy Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Pessimism Every cloud has a silver lining, but lightning kills hundreds of people each year who are trying to find it. Adversity That which doesn't kill me only delays the inevitable. Agony Not all pain is gain. HOW TO TELL YOUR CO-WORKERS APART If someone you know is using a mouse as a foot pedal, he's your boss. If he's trying to mate with it, he could be a lab rat. If he's spouting obtuse jargon, he's an engineer. If he overcharges you for advice, he's a consultant. If he talks about a $10 dollar car, he's a con artist. If he's easily tricked, he's a marketer. THE BEST WAY TO RELIEVE STRESS 1. Find a large spatula. 2. Hit yourself over the head with it. 3. Repeat step 2. The best way to cure anorexia: Don't think about it. The best way to cure dyslexia: Exactly what the name implies. It's fune time! Or what that "fun" time? BAD TIME TO WORK Boss: I need you to type this out for me. (hands Atom Cat a document) Atom Cat: If I do a shoddy job on this, I can get it done and still be on time for lunch! (Later, at lunch) Atom Cat: Today, I traded my work ethic for a banana. Wildcat: I ate that banana years ago. Replay: (hands Kyile and Wildcat sheets of paper) Here's your list of acronyms for the staff meeting. Be sure to keep a straight face when you use them. (At the meeting) Boss: I have a few action items. Who isn't busy? Replay: I'd love to help, but I need to prepare a YHU for the LGP meeting. Kyile: I'd be all over it but this is XRP week for the entire LBQ. Wildcat: (simply) My spoo has too much fleem. (Replay and Kyile look at him angrily) Wildcat: (innocently) Whaaaat? (Later, everyone is leaving with stacks of paper) Replay: That was smooth. Wildcat: Hey; if I could lie, I'd be in marketing. Wildcat: Everyone in engineering uses this program I use. I think marketing should turn this into a product. Man: I wouldn't buy this. Wildcat: That's irrelevant because the target market would be engineers. Man: Engineers think the same as marketeers. Wildcat: If that was true, we'd be sitting in a cave trying to decide if rocks are edible. Man: You know, you can keep recipes on this. Vice-President: I'm running late, but since I'm a Vice-President, you'll have to wait in the hallway. You'll be able to judge your relative worth by observing the things I do while you wait. (A few minutes later) Wildcat: He's teaching himself the banjo. Aldonza: Hey, Atom Cat, I hear you got a mail-order bride! It's depressing, yet it's so funny! I feel sorry for her already! (bursts out laughing) Atom Cat: And people ask me why I gave up on local females. Atom Cat: (thinking) My mail-order bride has arrived. I must keep my expectations low to avoid disappointment. (tears open box) Voice inside: Can I go to the ladies' sty? I desperately need to powder my snout. Atom Cat: .....So my mail-order bride turns out to be a pig with a blonde wig. Wildcat: What a rip-off. You're taking this well. I'd be mad if I had to get a mail-order bride and then pay to send her back. (the two reach the lunch table) You did send her back, didn't you?.... Atom Cat: (holds up a sandwich) B.L.T.? Replay: (thinking) As network administrator I have total access to all of the employees' files. (taps the keyboard) People: (shouting) Nooo! My work! Replay: (thinking) It's like being a doctor except I'm not getting gooky stuff on my hands. Boss: I need to keep my employees from cruising the Internet. Replay: Why stop there? I can block your employees from ALL useless activities. Boss: How? Replay: (pulls the plug) Done. I've seen your business plan. Atom Cat: Sorry to hear you're working during your vacation. The same thing happened to me. Aldonza: (upset) Really? Atom Cat: Actually, I took a vacation when I was supposed to be working, but the concept is the same. (Later, Atom Cat walks up to Wildcat with a coffee cup on his nose) Atom Cat: Apparently, she wasn't looking for empathy. Boss: We'll be getting a new "bungee boss" sometime today. Bungee Boss: (springs in) HELLO-I'M YOUR NEW BOSS--LETS CHANGE EVERYTHING BEFORE I GET REASSIGNED---OOPS---TOO LATE, GOOD-BYE. (springs back) Wildcat: He was like a mentor to me. Atom Cat: I think he made a difference. Boss: Incoming!! Wildcat: I heard that the President can now receive E-mail. Replay: Really?? (Later) E-mail: "Mr. President, I have a few suggestions on how to run the country. As you know, all the people in the country are imbeciles. Therefore, I think you should give an executive order for all people to march into the sea. Then, those that are smart enough to stay can divide up their stuff. This may sound stupid, but it's better than having a bunch of idiots clogging up the country. (pauses) And we won't have to hear your brother sing anymore. Signed: Ross Perot" Replay: My fee is $200 an hour. Boss: Fair enough. Replay: I'll be heading around and asking for your workers' opinions on their job. (Later) Replay: (to the boss) It's unanimous! They're all underpaid, and all the problems are YOUR fault, "Lard-head!" Replay: I have an unorthodox plan to improve your image in the company. Boss: Shoot. Replay: Lucky guess. Replay: I'm a blame consultant. I transfer blame from management to your employees. It's the newest management fad. Boss: Won't they see right through that? Replay: (angry) Is that MY fault?! Replay: The company's problems are YOUR fault! You blame the senior executives, but it is YOU who is responsible for being in charge! Man: But I'm just a word processor. I was hired to type. Replay: I've seen your typing. That stinks too. Wildcat: I'm thinking of quitting and working for myself. Replay: Come work for me. Wildcat: What'll you do? Replay: You'll invent valuable things and I'll exploit you----I mean, them. Wildcat: Tell you the truth, I don't think you'd be the best boss. Replay: Don't give me that input, you "resource." NO HUMANS IN HUMAN RESOURCES Atom Cat: My job is too stressful. Can I see a company counselor? Kyile: I reengineered our counseling process. Now I put you in a big hole and cover you with sand. Atom Cat: If this is my only benefit, I'd better get a lot of sand! Kyile: Just keep your mouth open. Kyile: This report says you went nuts at a vending machine because it took your money. The company used to offer counseling in these cases, but we found it was more economical to apply the death penalty. Atom Cat: WHAT!? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?! Kyile: I'm not sure, yet. You're too big for the microwave oven.... Replay: I understand you've sentenced Atom Cat to death. Kyile: Is that a problem? Replay: My assistant, Bob the Dinosaur, will now demonstrate how to give a cat a "fur wedgie". (Later) Atom Cat: I've been pardoned. They must have lost the papers ordering my execution. Replay: It probably fell into a crack. (Woman walks up to Aldonza) Woman #1: You got a stain on your jacket. It's best to dilute it with white wine. Woman #2: Some salt usually works.... (For the next few seconds they throw stuff at Aldonza) Woman #1: Or how about some lighter fluid? Woman #2: I have another idea... (Later....) Aldonza: For once, I'd like to go to a party and not be set on fire. Replay: There's a stain on your rag. Mordac: (comes up behind Wildcat) IT IS I, MORDAC, PREVENTER OF INFORMATION SERVICES! (holds up something) DO YOU SEE THIS?! Wildcat: (freaks out) My network cord! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!? (Kyile pokes his head above the cubicle wall) Kyile: Mordac, it is I, Kyile, the evil director of human resources! (leaps out and starts to attack Mordac) YOU MADE MY PERSONAL PRINTER A SHARED DEVICE! (Wildcat watches the fighting for a while. Later....) Wildcat: Two wrongs made a right. Replay: Welcome to my reality. Kyile: (over E-mail) The smell of popcorn in the office is unprofessional..... Aldonza: He's banning popcorn! First it was perfume and cologne....there's only one pollutant left! Kyile: (over E-mail) This brings me to the unpleasant subject of Atom Cat.... Kyile: We've been having trouble finding suitable applicants for the job opening. All we have so far are a headless man, a mime, and a frozen Cro-Magnon guy we found in a glacier. Boss: Does the mime bring one of his own invisible cubicles? I love those! Kyile: Only if we pay his construction costs. Boss: The theme of the conference is "Employees are our most valuable asset." And, like most assets, you decline in value over time. You're probably thinking: not all assets decline in value. Fine art, for example, gets better every year....(points to a picture of Atom Cat).....but I don't think the Louvre is going to be asking for any of these anytime soon. On your way out, Mr. Kyile will give each of you a certificate of depreciation. Wildcat: It's still better than last year's theme: "Have you earned your air today?" Atom Cat: My boss is trying to get me to use a certain kind of computer. You're the manager of human resources. Aren't you going to do anything about this? Whatever happened to diversity? Kyile: The longer you verk here, diverse it gets. (shouts) Next! Kyile: (over E-mail) All people must work on their projects alone. (thinking) Because why? I need a semi-plausible reason. (over E-mail) Because I hate you. Kyile: (over E-mail) Our new policy is for you to wear shoe sizes one size smaller than your feet. This will reduce wear and tear on the carpets. (thinks: This is my favorite part.) We must do this to be competitive. (Later....) Woman: I'm a reporter from "Evil Policies Monthly". Do you have any success stories? (Much Later....) Woman: So, has anyone complained about this new program? Kyile: I haven't listened to a single complaint. Kyile: Your co-workers are telling me you're a sadistic nut. (high-fives him) Good going, you big nut! Keep up the good work! By the way, I'm having a party on Sunday. Want to come? Nut: Sure! I'll bring my spinach dip. Kyile: Now, Tubby, why do you want to work here? Man: The name's "Toby." Kyile: Did you just correct me? I ALONE WILL DETERMINE YOUR NAME! Now, what is your name: Toby: Tubby. Kyile: Is it true that you're so dumb that you sent your resume to the human resources department? Tubby: Um..... Kyile: You think that's what human resources does? I'll show you what I do. (Later, Tubby walks down a hall, suit torn in several places) Tubby: I think I just became an entrepreneur. Kyile: You've been a good temporary employee. Would you like to be a permenant one? Man: Yes. Kyile: HA, HA, HA! YOU SIMPLE FOOL!!! Man: What was that? Kyile: That your employee orientation program. Kyile: I value opinions from all people, including the morons. Although in those cases, I cover my ears and sing loudly. Speedy: So, I was thinking.... Kyile: (starts singing) HE'S A PINBALL WIZARD..... Wildcat's Tech Support Wildcat: (picks up telephone) This is Wildcat's Tech Support. How may I hurt you? Man: My keys are stuck. How am I supposed to get them out? Wildcat: You need to upgrade your IQ a few points. Try listening to classical music. Man: (thinks to himself) My old nemesis, Mr. Radio, we meet again. Wildcat: This is Tech Support. How may I harm you? Man: I need to move the arrow on my screen to the left, but my mouse is at the edge of the mouse pad. Wildcat: Have you tried restarting your computer without saving your files? Man: Yes. Several times. Wildcat: Have you tried moving your desk? Man: (moves desk several inches) It didn't work. Wildcat: You need my $100 mousepad upgrade. (Later....) Man: (walks up to his secretary) What account does this get charged to? Secretary: "Idiot Expense", just like everything else. Man: Is this the help line? Wildcat: No. That got reengineered out of existence. My job is to make sure you never call again. Man: Can you help me make a pie chart? Wildcat: Crush your computer into small chunks and bake for one hour at 300 degrees. While you're waiting, read that book we sent you. It's a Spanish story about a guy named "Manual". Repeat until you get the desired result. (Later) Man: (reading, with computer in oven) This lost a lot in the translation. Atom Cat: I was just offered a job from another department. DREAM -- Atom Cat: I'm outta here, you worthless piece of snail crud! (laughs) REALITY -- Atom Cat: I meekly request to be released from this assignment. DREAM -- Boss: I would never stand in your way. Congratulations! REALITY -- Boss: I can't release you. You're too valuable. DREAM -- Atom Cat: (tries to strangle the boss) If I'm so valuable, explain my last raise! REALITY -- Boss: In fact, I have another valuable assignment for you. (Later...) Atom Cat: I'm doing a survey on why morale is so low. Aldonza: I think it's your breath. Wildcat: I think I know what your problem is, sir. First, stack all your folders and books on top of your chair and set on top of them so that you get a good view of the whole area. Then shout, "Does anyone know how to read a manual?" Wildcat: Most other people would have tried the last option before calling me; but I can tell you're different. Let me get honest; do you think anyone is going to read a memo from you? I think not. Wildcat: (typing on something) Jim, this is Wildcat. I have decided not to publish your book. The plot was lame, and I hate your characters. And by association, I have come to hate you too. For safety reasons, I hired an illiterate person to rip up your manuscript. I would've used the return envelope you provided but I'm afraid you might've licked the stamps. Wildcat: (talking to someone) I'd like to publish your book. All it needs are a few minor changes. Make the main character a big purple dinosaur instead of a detective. Add some upbeat songs and eliminate the murder. Man: It's a murder mystery! Wildcat: Oh, THAT'S original. Wildcat: This is Wildcat. How may I disconnect you? Atom Cat: What are my choices? Wildcat: I reccomend the Abrupt Disconnect; simple, gets the job done. Atom Cat: Too predictable. Wildcat: You might like our "Please Hold", followed by "Wrong Button", disconnect. Atom Cat: I had that last time. Do you have anything new? Wildcat: You might like our "Kevorkian Disconnect." I play an annoying message over and over until you disconnect yourself. Phone: Your call is important....please hold while we ignore it.....your call is important..... Atom Cat: (thinks) Not bad. Wildcat: (over airplane intercom system) Attention, passenger. This is Captain Wildcat. I bet you wished you hadn't cut the pilot training budget. For safety, keep an eye out the window. If it looks like we're going to crash, try jumping up right before impact. Wildcat: Attention. If you'd like to land safely, there's something I'd always wanted to see a CEO do. CEO: (sticks head out the window) This is so NOT funny. Wildcat: Attention, passenger. This is Captain Wildcat, and I've got good news and bad news. The good news is, we'll be hitting town 10 minutes ahead of schedule.....the bad news is, we'll be hitting town. Wildcat: Well, the plane's going down and there's only one parachute. CEO: (grabs it) Give it to me! I'm a CEO with a Harvard MBA. You're a cat! (As they fall towards the ground) Wildcat: That was my knapsack. (opens up parachute) CEO: (with food flying out of knapsack) Old joke. Aldonza: Atom Cat, you keep calling and calling, but you never return my calls. (rolls up a sleeve) I'd like you to meet a little something I call "The Fist of Death." (Later on, there's a huge hole in the wall, and Wildcat and someone else is looking through it) Wildcat: Looks like he gnawed through the wall to escape. (Replay and Wildcat are in an argument) Wildcat: The plane's crashing. Replay: I had a parachute. Wildcat: It didn't work. Replay: There's a haystack down below. Wildcat: There's a needle in the heystack. Replay: I missed the needle. Wildcat: You missed the haystack. Atom Cat: (trembling) I didn't read the licensing on my new software package until after I opened it. Apparently, I agreed to be Bill Gate's towel boy in his new mansion. Replay: Call your lawyer. Atom Cat: Too late. He opened software yesterday. Now he's Bill's laundry boy. Replay: It must be hard for lawyers to iron pants; they'd always have a hand in a pocket. Boss: I've asked Saint Aldonza to settle our dispute over what computers are allowed in the office. Aldonza: I'm going to the desert to seek enlightenment. When I return, I will reveal the true path of computing. (Later, in Palm Springs) Aldonza: (holding a contract; a busisnessman is sitting in front of her) You call this an endorsement contract?! GET TO THE END OF THE LINE! Blackie: I just sent Bill Gates a flaming E-mail that said, "LINUX RULES!" Aldonza: YOU WHAT?! (Over in what appears to be a huge command center, remniscent of the starship Enterprise) Bill Gates: (as Captain Kirk) Launch the competitionkeeper missiles. Aldonza: (on the phone) Wildcat, my mom just told Bill Gates she uses the "Linux" operating system! Wildcat: I'm tracking 4 incoming missiles. I'll launch our anti-Microsoft weapons to intercept. (4 reporters are flying through the air) Reporter: I was wondering why a press conference was being held on a huge catapult. Atom Cat's Headhunting Services Atom Cat: Hey, there. I've got a job that pays $70,000 a year and requires no work whatsoever. No, I didn't say its available. I was bragging about my own job. Aldonza's Cafe Man: Do you give free refills on coffee? Aldonza: Interesting question. No one's ever asked for a second cup. Wilcat: Antidote, please. Aldonza: Care for our "chicken surprise"? Man: Sure. I'll take two. Aldonza: (pulls a chicken mask over her head) Surprise! Surprise! Man: (whispers to Atom Cat) You distract her. I'll call the hospital. Atom Cat: Got it. Man: What's the soup of the day, Aldonza? Aldonza: Let's see....(thinks)...what day is it? Man: Tuesday. Aldonza: Well, then that would make it TUESDAY'S SOUP, wouldn't it, now? Wildcat: Makes sense to me. Aldonza: What can I offer you, sir? Man: For starters, a spatula. My hands are stuck to the counter. Wildcat: Some things never change. Man: Do you have any specials? Aldonza: I'll check. (turns around) HEY, BUBBA! ANYTHING IN THE TRAP THIS MORNING?! Man: Check, please. Atom Cat: I'll have the ham sandwich. Is it fresh? Noise: Oink. Aldonza: Yes. Atom Cat: Check. Man: This tastes a bit odd. Aldonza: Oops, wrong dish. (takes the dish) Here, Fido! Wildcat: I think I'll skip dessert. Jon: Aldonza, there's a hair in my soup. Aldonza: And how do you know it's not one of yours, hmmmm? Jon: I use smaller rollers. (Wildcat groans) Woman: What's good today, Aldonza? (Aldonza stares at her with a blank expression) Woman: What's EDIBLE today, Aldonza? Aldonza: Try the meat loaf. Aldonza: What do you want? Man: (points towards another man who's already eating) I'll have whatever he's having. Aldonza: (grabs the plate) Suit yourself. Replay: What's this one here? "He-man" Burger? Aldonza: It's a 5-pound beef patty on a bun. Replay: 5 pounds?? Who could eat such a thing?! Wilcat: (jumps on the counter and does a Tarzan impression) Replay: I had to open my mouth. Critic: Aldonza, I hate to bother you, but there's a hoof in my meatloaf. Aldonza: (cries) No! This has never happened before! Critic 2: (holds up a hamburger bun with a horseshoe) Uh, Aldonza, I don't mean to complain.... Wildcat: (shoves the plate in his mouth) Then don't. Wildcat: This is good coffee, for once. Aldonza: Thanks. I ground the beans myself. (As she walks away, there is a clomping noise) Atom Cat: Why is she wearing golf shoes? Wildcat: I'd rather not know. (pushes away the coffee) Wildcat: We're a little bit slow today, sir. Aldonza went home sick. Man: Flu? Wildcat: Anthrax. Atom Cat: This is where I run screaming into the street. Aldonza: Morning, hon. The usual? Man: You got it, Aldonza. (Aldonza leaves for a second, then reappears) Aldonza: Say, hon, what IS the usual? Man: I was hoping you'd know. Kyile: These people are in desperate trouble. Man: What do you reccomend today? Atom Cat: We have the hamburger flambe', the orange juice flambe', and the peach pie flambe'. Man: What's with all the flambe's? Wildcat: The kitchen is on fire. Man: What's that smell? Something sizzling on the grill? Aldonza: Nah. That's Atom Cat. Wildcat: I'll be hitchhiking home now. Man: Wildcat, this potato is bad. Wildcat: (smacks the potato) Bad potato! (hands it back to him) Sir, if that potato gives you anymore trouble, you just let me know. Critic: There goes his tip. Aldonza: (to Wildcat) I'm sorry, but we don't serve cats here. Wildcat: (snarls) Aldonza: (to Atom Cat) What will you and your dog have, sir? Woman: I'll have the spaghetti. Wildcat: Do you want that on a plate? Woman: Of course, I do! Wildcat: WELL, EXCUSE ME, MRS. PICKY! Woman: IS IT TOO MUCH TO BE ACCORDED THE SAME NEEDS AS OTHERS?! I'M A PERSON TOO, YOU KNOW! Aldonza: I'll just have a small slice of life, thank you. Man: Aldonza, is this tea or coffee? Aldonza: What does it taste like? Man: It tastes like turpentine. Aldonza: That's our coffee. Our tea tastes like transmission fluid. Man: Is this coffee hot? Aldonza: Let me see. (sticks a finger in the coffee) Yes. Wildcat: This isn't one of your better diners. Man: Thanks for the warning. LIST OF INSULTS Replay: Wildcat, I don't mean to say you're fat, but when you sit around the sofa, you sit around the sofa. Wildcat: (boots him) Heads, he lives. Tails, he dies. Wildcat: (looking in a mirror) I think I carry my weight rather well. Replay Jr.: You should. You've had the practice. Wildcat: Do you think I have a strong chin? Replay Jr.: Which one? Wildcat: Thanks for your opinions, Jr. Replay Jr.: Anytime. (Cut to a later time; there is a package on the front porch that says: "To: Anyone. Destination: Abu Dhabi.") Atom Cat: I'm going to change my image. Wildcat: You have one? Atom Cat: I've decided to become macho! Wildcat: Please. I just ate. Atom Cat: Maybe I'll get a tattoo. Wildcat: How about "Born to Whine"? Atom Cat: I think maybe I'll get a tattoo. Wildcat: A tattoo? Aren't you the guy who screams while he clips his toenails? Atom Cat: I know! I'll turn up my shirt collar! All macho guys turn up their collars! (does so) Now I can't breathe. Wildcat: That's a small price to pay for machohood. Kyile: I have something for you. It's a T-shirt made especially for you! Wildcat: (shoves the T-shirt up his mouth) Aldonza: What was THAT about? What's wrong with the T-shirt. Wildcat: It had the words "Wide Load" on it. (Replay Jr. walks up to a sign that says, "Take a number". He takes a sheet of paper with the number 11 on it, then walks up to Wildcat and hands it to him. Wildcat promptly shredds him.) Wildcat: Number 12, please? Wildcat: Only an idiot would enjoy a Monday. (Kyile strolls on by, whistling a tune and spinning his katana on one finger.) Wildcat: Thanks for the visual aid! (Doorbell chimes) Wildcat: (walks to the door) Now, who could that be? Well, I know who it's NOT.....he's too short to reach the doorbell. (opens the door) Replay Jr.: (standing on stilts) Ta-da! Wildcat: Oh, no.... Replay Jr.: (walks up to a napping Wildcat) Greetings, fat one! Is the floor sagging, or is that you? Wildcat: You used to be cute. Replay Jr.: Now I'm precious! Wildcat: Yes, Jr. Life is pretty complicated. You get out of it what you put into it. That was pretty intellectual. Any questions? Replay Jr.: Is it hard to talk with six chins? Wildcat: I hate you. Wildcat: So, why are you here? Replay Jr.: I just dropped by to visit. So, I see you've packed on a few extra pounds, chubby. (A hole in the shape of his body appears in the door.) Wildcat: My, my....that WAS a short visit. Aldonza: Look who I found outside! (Kyile Jr. appears) Wildcat: That's because I PUT him there. Kyile Jr.: So, aside from the bigger belly and extra chin, what else is new? (A hole in the shape of his body appears in the door) Aldonza: Wildcat, do you feel a draft? Replay: Come on, Wildcat. Jr. came here to visit you. Be nice. Replay Jr.: Yeah! I though fat folks were supposed to be jolly! (Seconds later, a large hole in the shape of Replay Jr.'s body appears in the door, followed a second later by Replay himself) Wildcat: (sarcastically) Ho, ho, har, har, ha, ho, ho. Wildcat: Why do you act so witty? Replay Jr.: It's a gift, chunky....a gift. (Later....) Aldonza: What was that flushing noise I heard? Wildcat: I just put Jr.'s gift in layaway. Kyile: There are a lot of things wrong with you, Wildcat. Wildcat: Thanks. Kyile: One of them is thinking insults are compliments. Wildcat: Whoa! Thanks again! (Telephone rings) Aldonza: (picks up the phone) Hello? Yes..... Wildcat: (walks up) I'm back. Aldonza: (shouts into receiver) HE WHAT??! Wildcat: I'm outta here. Aldonza: (to Wildcat) The reports I get about you! I'm surprised you don't have a criminal record! (The two stare at each other, and Aldonza finally face-faults) Aldonza: I don't even want to know. Wildcat: The food's not as bad as they say it is. Aldonza: (picks up phone) Hello? Yes?....Your best curtains?....Uh-huh....(blushes)... Your pet chihuahua?....Right. It won't happen again. (hangs up phone and turns to Wildcat) I'm nailing the door shut. Wildcat: That's a lovely shade of vermillion you're sporting. Aldonza: You've terrorized the whole neighborhood this week! I hope you're happy! And wipe that grin off your face! Wildcat: (frowns, and starts purring without smiling) BOREDOM Atom Cat: (with a checkered bow tie) THE FUN NEVER STOPS WHEN I'M AROUND! Wildcat: (looks at him) You can't stop what doesn't start. Atom Cat: (in a clown suit) IT'S FUN TIME! (Atom Cat grins at Wildcat; Wildcat looks at an alarm clock) Wildcat: Maybe the clock is slow. Wildcat: There's nothing worse than being bored. Atom Cat: (in a party outfit) Hey there, Mr. Droopy Face! Let me entertain you! Hotcha, hotcha! Wildcat: I take that back. Atom Cat: (hanging on the outside screen by his front claws) I'm bored. Bored, bored, bored, bored. I wish something would happen. Aldonza: (swings open the door against the wall) Yo, Atom Cat! Dinner! Atom Cat: I'm in pain, pain, pain, pain.... Wildcat: I am down, down, down, down, down, down, down. Down, down, down, dooby doo down, down. Comma comma down, dooby doo down down. Atom Cat: It's fun hanging on the screen door. I could be a fly..... (Person comes up and whacks him against the door) Atom Cat: ....or a door knocker. Aldonza: Why do we feel so depressed? (yawns) Wildcat: I have a theory. We've been staying up late, recently.....and being happy takes up entirely too much energy. Atom Cat: I feel depressed. Wildcat: Bingo. Atom Cat: I think I'll go out and shoot myself. Wildcat: Don't try to cheer me up. Atom Cat: I've just had my will made up. I've decided I want to be cremated....(smiles)....and have my ashes spread over my accordion. Wildcat: Ah, but we'll be cremating your accordion as well. Replay: Will Atom Cat find something to do this weekend? The crowd is on the edge of their seats.... Atom Cat: Polka! Replay: Single file, exit to the left. Wildcat: Friday nights.....(throws something) Replay Jr.: Looks like I win again! Wildcat: (walks up to an archery target splattered with fish) Fun with sardines. Wildcat: It's Friday night.... Aldonza: WHOA! THERE IT IS! Wildcat: Time for another game of "Find the Ice Cube". WILDCAT'S GUIDE TO SPIDER SMASHING Spider: (smacks Wildcat with newspaper) Wildcat: (smashes spider with larger newspaper) Spider: Hey! What happened to the Far Side?! Wildcat: So, what do spiders do for fun? Spider: Well, I like to read. Wildcat: (smashes him with a newspaper) Here. Knock yourself out. Spider: (right before Wildcat smashes him) Hold it right there! I demand the right to call an attorney! Now get me a telephone book, bozo! Wildcat: This is too easy. Spider: You know what? Life's just too short. Wildcat: (smashes him) Boy, the irony is so thick, you could cut it with a knife. (Aldonza is sweeping up the floor when a spider walks nearby. Aldonza takes the broom and shoves him in the direction of the door. Right when the spider reaches the sidewalk, though, Wildcat steps on it.) Aldonza: (freaks out) Where's the compassion??! Wildcat: (sarcastic) You want compassion? Rent "Bambi"! (There's a spider crawling around on the table as Aldonza walks on by. Suddenly, Wildcat races across the table and smacks Aldonza with a rolled-up paper.) Aldonza: Hey! You missed the spider and hit me! Wildcat: (freaks out) WHAT SPIDER?! (Atom Cat is sitting at a table, eating a sandwich. After he takes several bites, a spider crawls nearby. Suddenly, Wildcat races up and smashes the spider. Atom Cat tosses the sandwich away in disgust.) Spider: My back hurts. Wildcat: (whacks him numerous times with a magazine) Better? Spider: A little more to the left. Spider: (singing something) Wildcat: You're flat. Spider: No, I'm not! Wildcat: (smashes him) Yes, you are. (Early in the morning, Wildcat and Atom Cat are both drinking coffee. Atom Cat looks exhausted, while Wildcat looks fine. A spider drops down near Atom Cat, and Wildcat turns around.) Wildcat: (screams) Aaaaggh! Disgusting! Vile! (points to the spider) And that SPIDER'S ugly, too. (Atom Cat is standing around in a hallway, dozing off. Wildcat is watching him from a niche.) Wildcat: Should I tell Atom Cat that there's a spider crawling up his leg? (Spider reaches Atom Cat's jacket) Wildcat: Should I tell him there's a spider crawling up his jacket? (Spider reaches his face; Atom Cat freaks out and screams) Wildcat: I guess that little dilemma solved itself. (Wildcat comes across two flattened spiders on a small table) Wildcat: (thinks) Hmmmm....I don't remember squashing those spiders.....(walks away) Spider #1: Is he gone? Spider #2: Yes. (The spiders rise up.) Spider #1: Frank, you're a genius! Spider #2: You do what you have to do. Wildcat: Hello, spider! Spider: Hello.... Wildcat: Feel feel to use whatever you want, here. You can use my food, my water.... Spider: You're not the big jerk all the other spiders say you are.... Wildcat: While you're at it, sign my guestbook. (drops a book on top of the spider) (Wildcat walks by, carrying what appears to be a spider hanging from a frozen stick. The stick is actually frozen spider silk.) Wildcat: Found a spider in the freezer. (Wildcat's sitting on the counter, watching two bugs) Wildcat: Odd.....two little bugs in Shakespearean dress. Bug #1: I bring bad news, Juliet. Our families are fueding and don't want us to fight anymore. Bug #2: That does it! Let's die in each others arms and live together in eternity! Bug #1: How do we do that? Wildcat: Here's how. (squashes them) I'm not one to fool with great literature. Wildcat: (outside on the grass; a bug walks up to him) Hey, bug, you're ugly......you're creepy...... you're history. (squashes him) Spider: You'd better watch your step, cat! I have Ricky the Roach with me today! Miss with me, you'll have to answer to the Rickster here! Wildcat: (switches on light; after the roach scurries away, he steps on the spider, and walks away, turning the light back off in the process) Ricky: Sorry, the light hurts my eyes. Spider: Step over here and I'll hurt the rest of you. Spider: SPARE MY LIFE, AND I'LL DO ANYTHING! Wildcat: (grins) Anything? Spider: Anything! (Later on, as Aldonza is drinking coffee, she sees a spider chasing after a mouse.) D.J. on radio: Welcome! If you answer this question correctly, you'll get a new house! Wildcat: Right. I'll just pick up the phone and tell you the answer. D.J. : Here's the question: if you were a Felis Domesticus, what noise would you make? Wildcat: Say WHAT? That's a house cat! (dials up the D.J.) D.J.: For a new house, what is your answer? Wildcat: (meows) D.J.: Congratulations! You've won! Wildcat: I've won! I don't believe it! D.J.: Just give us your name and address, and we'll get back to you. (Wildcat faints) D.J.: Yes, how do you spell your name, Mr. Arrrrrggghhhh? Wildcat: (watches a spider move, then smashes him sadly) The thrill is gone. Wildcat: GIMME YOUR MEASURING TAPE! THANKS! (runs off, then returns, with measuring tape trailing behind him) REALLY BIG SPIDER! Wildcat: (runs across table) HAIRY SPIDER!! (looks backward, then runs off again) WITH A PONYTAIL! Wildcat: Atom Cat, there's a hairy spider! A REALLY hairy spider! (pauses, and looks in the bathroom) It's using your comb! LAZINESS COUNTS Aldonza: (holding a plate) Here, Wildcat. Here's lunch. Wildcat: No, thanks. I'm not hungry. Aldonza: (looks startled, then grabs Wildcat's shoulders) WHO ARE YOU, AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH WILDCAT?! Wildcat: That was a joke. Wildcat: Watch me fool Atom Cat. (walks up to him) Hello, sir, I'm a pleasant cat! Atom Cat: (looks around) Where's Wildcat? Wildcat: I'm good! Replay: You don't ever move from that spot! Wildcat: Ah, but I've considered it. Replay: You're not even a cat. You're a slug with hair! Wildcat: Sure, kick me when I'm down! Replay: You're a lazy lump of blubber! Wildcat: That wasn't nice. Lumps of blubber have feelings too. Replay: Hello, Mr. Lazy. Wildcat: Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me. Kyile: Hog dandruff! Wildcat: My lawyers, however, feel otherwise. Replay: I want to see some action around here! Wildcat: (twitches his ears) Replay: That doesn't count. Wildcat: Then YOU think of something. Kyile: Don't you ever move? Wildcat: There was that time in 1987. Kyile: Why do you think people have legs? Wildcat: To get our stomachs through buffet lines! Wildcat: (lying on the floor; thinking) Should I be lazy or angry today?....Or, maybe a happy medium.....I think I'll just lie here and bite anyone who trips over me. Replay Jr.: Hey, Wildcat, I looked up lazy in the dictionary and I saw your picture by it! Wildcat: That's a lie. I slept through my appointment for the photo session. Replay Jr.: I'm looking up "cat" in the dictionary. (reads from dictionary) Cat: See Lazy....Oh, look. Here's your picture. Wildcat: I smell libel! Replay: You're lazy, and you can't deny it! Wildcat: I can so deny it! I just don't feel like it, that's all. Replay: Don't you have any goals in life? Wildcat: Yes. To eat an ostrich. Replay: You're just sitting there, collecting dust! Wildcat: And does anyone say, "thank you"? Replay: Don't you want to climb that mountain and yell "I've made it"? Wildcat: Ambition gives me a nosebleed. Aldonza: (in athletic attire) So, what's Mr. Lazy doing today? Wildcat: Collecting dust. Aldonza: Would you like to go jogging with me? Wildcat: No, thanks. Aldonza: (starts bouncing up and down) It would get your circulation going. Wildcat: Stop it! You're scaring the dust! Replay: Do you know what lazy is? (Wildcat grabs a cup of coffee from his napping spot) Replay: Lazy is taking a coffee break between naps. Replay: You fell off the curtains! Wildcat: So much for mountain climbing. Replay: I thought cats landed on their feet. Wildcat: So much for myth. Replay: (shouts out a door) CATS DON'T LAND ON THEIR FEET! Wildcat: So much for mystique. Wildcat: (checks a calendar) Lets see.....this year, I've taken 1,021 naps and eaten 1,250 snacks....(shocked) What's this? According to this, I've missed a nap in April and two in July! Replay: (frowns) Uh, Wildcat.... Wildcat: Quiet, man! I've got some serious catching up to do! Kyile: You've just had your morning nap. What are you doing back in bed? Wildcat: Taking your advice. You said, "Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today." This is tomorrow morning's nap. (Wildcat rings a silver bell and holds out a plate) Replay: Butter on your toast? Wildcat: Yeah. Replay: Salt? Wildcat: Uh-huh. Replay: Anchovy paste? Wildcat: Just a smidge. Replay: Lard? Wildcat: Sure. Replay: (shakes the toaster) Toaster crumbs? Wildcat: Why not? Replay: Wildcat? Wildcat: Yes? Replay: YOU'RE DISGUSTING! Wildcat: Any sauerkraut? Atom Cat: Just remember: When you're flat on your back, the only way to look is up. Wildcat: Thanks. I'm no longer depressed. Now I'm suicidal. Atom Cat: Here are some words of wisdom to help you beat the blues. Wildcat: He's gonna get cryptic again. Atom Cat: Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. Wildcat: Oh, great.....I'm going to be up all night figuring that one out. ATTACK OF THE TALKING SCALE Scale: Hey, buddy, I'm a bathroom scale. Wildcat: (snarls) So? Scale: So I don't do livestock. (Wildcat throws the scale out a window and into a trash can) Scale: Me and my big voice chip. Scale: (sounds alarm) We've picked up something on the scanners, sir! Go to visual! (switches voice) Whoa! What is that thing?! It appears to be a hideous blob of fat, sir! FIRE PHASERS! (phaser noise) Phasers have no effect, sir! Wildcat: (growls) I hate you. Scale: Sir, I'm picking up some hostile readings!..... Wildcat: Hello, scale. Scale: Greetings, your chubbiness! Wildcat: You know what time it is? Scale: Time to rotate your cellulite? Wildcat: Time to change your batteries. Scale: Hello, skinny! Scale: Shields down 40%, captain! Hull breach on decks 4 and 5! Wildcat: Oh, shut up. Scale: Man the escape pods....I repeat..... (Wildcat is standing in front of the scale carrying a batch of flowers) Scale: Sorry, I don't take bribes. (Wildcat throws the flowers away and unsheathes his sword) Scale: Now THREATS I take. Hop on, skinny. Scale: It was a beautiful day in Scale Land. Suddenly, the little forest scales fell silent. Wildcat: I hate it when he does this. Scale: A giant shadow fell across the land..... Scale: (as Wildcat walks by) Hey, fatty. Fat-fat-fatty-fat-fatso-fatty-fat-fat..... Wildcat: I'm counting the days until his battery dies. (Scale continues yammering) (Out at night, by a fence) Wildcat: He's not the world's greatest opening act, but he's the best I could get on short notice. (Familiar voice) But I gotta tell ya....(scale appears) This lady was sooooooo fat..... Scale: You know, there's "fat", and then there's "fat-fat". Wildcat: So, what am I? Scale: Fat-fat-fat-fat-Fat-fat-fat-fat-Fat-fat-fat-fat-Fat-fat-fat-fat-Fat-fat-fat-fat-Fat-fat-fat-fat-Fat-fat-fat-fat-Fat-fat-fat-fat-Fat-fat-fat-fat-Fat-fat-fat-fat-. (Atom Cat hears loud noise from kitchen) Voice: YAAAAAHHHH! WHOOOO--EEEEEE! WHOA, MOMMMA! Wildcat: (shouts) A.C., could you get me a hammer? Scale: AAAGGGGH! Wildcat: So, scale, how much do I weigh? Scale: Can I ask you a personal question first? Wildcat: Sure. What is it? Scale: How many of you are there? Wildcat: So, how am I doing, RX-2? Scale: You remember those 4 pounds you lost last week? Wildcat: Yeah? Scale: They're back with reinforcements. Wildcat: So, how much do I weigh? Scale: You weigh between 100 and 300 pounds. (Wildcat walks away, satisfied) Scale: I have learned that it is wise to give my customers a wide selection. Wildcat: I'm starving. I wish I had a pizza. (A pizza falls on top of him) Wildcat: My wish has been granted! What should I wish for next? Some after-dinner music would be nice. (A piano falls on top of him) Wildcat: Look, you dumb scale, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all! (Scale remains silent for long period of time. A minute later, the scale has been smashed) Scale: I can't win! (Wildcat sees a spider on top of the scale. He brings his paw down and smashes it, wrecking the scale in the process) Scale: Ow, and Ick. REPLAY'S BELIVE IT, OR DON'T! Replay: A certain Wildcat claims he can eat twice his weight. To verify this claim, we sent him 440 pounds of lasagna. He only ate 343. Wildcat: Things went so well in rehearsal. Replay: In 1957, a cat in Oregon rescued a drowning child. But, it was under the legal size limit, so he threw the kid back. Replay: Cats know the precise moments their owners awaken, and then they wake them up 10 minutes sooner. Replay: There is enough static electricity in 20 cats to start a car, but it still won't start on a cold morning! Atom Cat: Come on, guys, I'm late for work! Wildcat: Take a hike, jack. (falls asleep) FAILED DATE ATTEMPTS Atom Cat: (reading from a fortune cookie fortune) A tall blonde will change your life. Hmm, that sounds interesting.... Wildcat: Atom Cat, there's an 11-foot woman at the door with a chainsaw. Atom Cat: Okay, I'm sorry. I must've called at the wrong time. Bye. (hangs up) She said she was just leaving to visit her brother in Tokyo. That's what I call bad timing. Wildcat: That's called getting shot out of the saddle, you turkey. Atom Cat: Hey, how about a date?......You'll meet me when WHAT freezes over? I can take a hint! (slams the phone down) Wildcat: Only if it's applied with a sledgehammer. Answering Machine: "Hello. This is June. Please leave your message at the tone, unless you're Atom Cat, in which the machine will automatically hang up." Atom Cat: This is, uh, Ed Smith. (machine hangs up) Wildcat: Just amazing. Atom Cat: No, Jill, I will not go out with you tonight. And stop sobbing, you know I hate that. Wildcat: (snatches the phone away from him) Phone: At the sound of the tone, the time will be 5 o'clock. Beep! Wildcat: You monster! How dare you break that computer's heart! Atom Cat: Oh, shut up. Atom Cat: I've called every woman I know. None of them will got out with me on New Year's Eve. I'm getting desperate! Wildcat: I figured that when you dialed the time and temperature lady. Atom Cat: That's right, Ellen. I'm a complicated guy. Sort of like a puzzle....like connect-the-dots! Wildcat: Poor Ellen. Poor, poor, poor Ellen. Answering Machine: "Hello, this is Atom Cat. Please leave a message at the tone." (tone) Hi, this is Lisa, the professional cheerleader you met at the pizza parlor. I can't stop thinking about you! Call me. My number is----" (Wildcat stomps the answering machine to bits) Wildcat: (ticked) I can't BELIEVE he had pizza without me! Aldonza: Hey, Adam. This is Aldonza, and I was wondering if you were going anywhere on New Years E--- (phone hangs up) Aldonza: I don't believe it! HER ANSWERING MACHINE HUNG UP ON ME! Wildcat: A bad day in Dateville. Atom Cat: Let me put it this way, Julie. Going out with me is better than a stick in the eye! (pauses) Put the stick down, Julie. Wildcat: Never give them options, A.C. Atom Cat: Will you go out with me? Say yes and I'll be happier than a hog with a mouthful of slop. (person hangs up) Hello? Wildcat: Platitude Man strikes out again. Atom Cat: We're going to a fancy cafe. I need to impress my date. How do you say "chocolate milk" in French? Wildcat: Le geek. Atom Cat: I have a date tonight. She admires men with talent. Wildcat: Don't be late; it's 7:00. Atom Cat: (takes out a pair of drums) I'm taking my bongos! Wildcat: See you at 7:30. Atom Cat: My date likes men who are organized. I'm taking my sock drawer! Wildcat: The "Binky the Clown" socks should stay home. Atom Cat: Alright, Lisa, I understand. (hangs up) She had a good reason for not going out with me. (starts sobbing) She's allergic to geeks! Wildcat: Achoo! Atom Cat: I have a date tonight! Wildcat: I'll alert the media. Atom Cat: I want to make a good impression. Replay: Then stay home. Atom Cat: Should I wear shoes? Aldonza: Been a while, hasn't it? Atom Cat: I have a date tonight. We met at the circus. Tonight I dine with "Zelda, the Toad Woman." Wildcat: Don't forget to bring a jar of flies. Atom Cat: I have a date tonight. Wildcat: Define "date." Atom Cat: She thinks I'm special. Aldonza: Define "special." Atom Cat: She likes how I dress. Wildcat and Aldonza (in unison): HE'S DATING A CLOWN! (Telephone rings) Atom Cat: (picks up the phone) Phone: I won't go out with you! (phone hangs up) Atom Cat: I wonder who that was? Wildcat: (smacks his forehead) Rejected by wrong numbers! (Atom Cat is dialing a random number on the telephone) Atom Cat: (when person picks up the phone) Hello?....Are you a woman?.....Are you single?..... Great! Want to go out on New Years'? (Person hangs up; Atom Cat dials another random number) Wildcat: Hope springs eternal. Atom Cat: So, are you free to go out tonight? (pauses) You say you'd rather go out with camel spittle? Wildcat: (shakes a fist) Zap her back! Zap her back! (Later on, Wildcat is napping on top of Atom Cat at night) Atom Cat: "But what if your brother already has plans?" THAT'S what I should've said! Wildcat: Ol' lightning wit strikes again. Atom Cat: (walks in the door, depressed) Bad date, Wildcat. Wildcat: Oh? Atom Cat: We went to the circus. Wildcat: (stares at him) Atom Cat: A clown accused me of copying his suit. Wildcat: How low can a clown stoop? Atom Cat: (on phone) Hello, doc? I'm supposed to take Wildcat in for an appointment. (pauses) Tell you what. You're probably wanting to know me better, so why don't we make it a night appointment and then go out for dinner afterward? (pauses; gets a puzzled look on his face) Atom....Atom Cat. Atom Cat: Hello, doc? This is Atom Cat. I'm throwing a party his weekend, and....(pauses).... excuse me? (pauses; eyes widen) Do you mean that literally or figuratively? Wildcat: Literally has my vote. Atom Cat: I can tell how interested a woman is in me by the way she strolls by. (ZOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!) Replay: I don't know.....she was a little too blurred to tell. Atom Cat: Hey, Joan! How about dinner and a movie?......No? Well, how about lunch and a bike ride? (gets desperate).....A COOKIE AND A CROSSWORD PUZZLE??! Wildcat: Toaster crumbs and a knock-knock joke? Atom Cat: Doc! Do you remember me? Atom Cat? Your knight in shining armor? Doc: Yes, now I remember. Names escape me, but I'd never forget a twit. Atom Cat: Well, if you don't want to come with me tomorrow, then how about the Saturday after that? How about the Saturday after that? How about the Saturday after that?....Look, if you don't want to come out with me, just SAY so! (hangs up) I sure showed HER. Wildcat: String them along, then break their hearts, right? Atom Cat: If you ever need to get a good date, watch me at work. Replay: I have. Make an innuendo, get slapped. Make a suggestion, get slapped. Make a move, get slapped. Atom Cat: Doc, will you go out with me? Doc: Sure. Let's go now. (Wildcat looks on in shock as they walk out a door. Then, the door opens and closes again, with the doc appearing) Doc: (holding up a key) I didn't say I'd come BACK with him. Atom Cat: Why won't you go on a date with me? Doc: Because I hate your guts. Atom Cat: Does this mean that marriage is out of the question? Wildcat: Don Quixote strikes again. Atom Cat: Doc, give me one reason why you won't go out with me. Doc: You're dumb, slow-witted, wishy-washy, and boring. Atom Cat: Oh yeah? Well, give me a second reason. Atom Cat: How about a date, sweetheart? Doc: That's "doctor" to you. Atom Cat: Okay. How about a date, Dr. Sweetheart? Atom Cat: Your eyes are so lovely, they cast a spell on me. Doc: Well, it's not working. Atom Cat: How come? Doc: You're not a slug yet. Atom Cat: Ellen, this is Atom Cat! (phone hangs up; turns eyes towards Wildcat) Don't grovel, Ellen. I won't go out with you. Wildcat: The man's trying to impress a cat. ----- Replay: I'm watching television with a cat. I'm watching television with a cat! Wildcat: It's Saturday night...... Replay: I'M WATCHING TELEVISION WITH A CAT! Wildcat: And reality rears its ugly head. ----- Atom Cat: While you're at it, doc, how about giving ME a checkup? Doc: Alright. Just open your mouth. (As Atom Cat opens his mouth, the doc tosses something in.) Atom Cat: What was that? Doc: You'll never worry about liver flukes again. Atom Cat: These new cellular phones are great! (dials a number) Hey, guess where I am? (pauses) Um.....how far is not far enough? Wildcat: Now he can be rejected from anywhere. Atom Cat: Are my eyes okay? doc: Yes Atom Cat: Are my arms okay? Doc: yes Atom Cat: Is my tail okay? Doc: yes Atom Cat:Are my ears okay? Doc: Yes Atom cat: Will you go out with me tonight? Doc: Yes Atom Cat: Yes! Doc: That's cheating!!!!!! Wildcat: If you can't convince 'em, confuse 'em. Atom Cat: So, how's Wildcat? Doc: He'll live. Atom Cat: And what are my chances of getting a date? Doc: I'm afraid THEY'RE terminal. Atom Cat: If you want to know how my date with the doc went, well, don't ask. Wildcat: I won't. Atom Cat: She didn't show. Ol' Atom Cat got shown up. Wildcat: Shut up. Atom Cat: You know, I like you better than people. Wildcat: Tell me more. Atom Cat: Do you mind if I have something to drink? Doc: Sure. Go ahead. There should be something in the fridge by the specimen bottles. (At a diner) Wildcat: The plate is hot, monseiur. Atom Cat: Thanks, shorty......(takes the plate, then suddenly starts throwing it around) YOW, THIS PLATE IS HOT! HOT, HOT, HOT!!! (The doc moans in dispair.) Wildcat: I'll drive you home. (Atom Cat, Aldonza, and Wildcat are sitting on a park bench, when two females and a male wolf walk on by.) Atom Cat: I have just the thing to impress them: Inline skates! (Everyone gets them on) Atom Cat: Get ready to meet your destiny. LET'S GO! (Atom Cat is sent flying off into the distance, screaming. Aldonza lands in a water fountain, while Wildcat crashes into a tree) Wildcat: It must have been that "destiny" line that tipped me off. Atom Cat: After we eat dinner, you can come over to my place.....then we can put on grass skirts and carve monkey heads in coconuts. (phone hangs up) Hello?.... Wildcat: Hence the moniker, "Mr Dial Tone." Atom Cat: Hello! Howza 'bout ringin' in the New Year with jolly Atom C.? (phone hangs up) Now where did I go wrong? Wildcat: The part where you dialed. Atom Cat: Really....I'm a funny guy, and I can do impressions....You do impressions, too? Let's hear one! (holds phone to Wildcat's ear) Hey, listen to this. She sounds just like a dial tone! Wildcat: This cat has no brain. Atom Cat: Hello, darling! What would you like for Christmas?......An unlisted phone number, you say? Wildcat: Ho, ho, ow. Atom Cat: (walks in the door depressed) I can't believe it! I'm so embarassed! I can't believe I blew the chance to give Liz a good-night kiss! I can't believe I kissed the doorbell! Wildcat: You're supposed to kiss her and close your eyes, not close your eyes and kiss her, you dip! At home with Replay Replay: (Talking to Kyile. Has a baseball bat in hand.) My favorite sport is baseball. What's yours? Kyile:(holds up what looks like a baseball bat wrapped in a sheet. Replay looks puzzled. Kyile removes the sheet and reveals two Katana blades: one normal-looking blade, and a pitch-black blade with a green dragon-shaped handle.) Replay: Natch. (The familiar jingling of a familiar tune fills the air with an all-too familiar presence.) Warrior: OOOH!!! The ice cream man!!! Replay, Replay, can I stop him??!! Pleeeeease!!!?? Replay: Very well, you may stop him. (Hands his minion a twenty) I want the change back, though. Warrior: Alright. (After about ten minutes, his minion returns with a big sack.) Replay: Where's my change? Warrior: I spent it. Replay: On what? Warrior: Ice cream. Replay: Where's mine? Warrior: Get your own!......By the way, here's your change. (hands him a penny) Replay: (looks like he is about to cry) (Replay and Kyile are both watching a movie) Kyile: This is the absolute greatest movie ever made. Replay: Absolutely no mistakes made. (Suddenly, Wildcat appears on the screen.) Wildcat: SMILE, YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA! (Wildcat then proceeds to slice the picture in half with his claws, leaving behind a white screen.) Replay Jr.: You were saying? (This next scene takes place when Wildcat pays a visit to the underworld) Replay: Wildcat, I need to talk to you about this thing you have for food. There are lip prints on my refrigerator. Wildcat: I can be very affectionate. (grins) Kyile: Do you like my pet hamster? Wildcat: He's right up there with dogs and Mondays. Kyile: You wouldn't think of harming him, would you? Wildcat: I don't know what you're talking about. Kyile: Then why is he covered with clam sauce? Wildcat: An old family recipe. Replay: I'm coming in now! Wildcat: (draped over chair) I'm in trouble. Replay: You'd better not be in my chair! Wildcat: I'm scared. Replay: I'm coming in now! Wildcat: Wake me after the beating. Replay: I'm cleaning up in here. Throw out all your useless stuff, okay? Kyile: Okay. (Later, Replay finds his staff and stuff in the trash) Replay: Kyile, could I have a word with you? Replay: Kyile, I was cleaning out your closet. (dumps a box of alarm clocks on the grounds) Please explain. Kyile: You've found the sacred burial ground! Replay: I've just been talking to this stump, here. It's better company than YOU are. Kyile: You two have more in common. WILDCAT'S BIRD MUSEUM Wildcat: (with a birdhouse on his head) I'm going to wait outside. (walks away) Until lunch. If you know what I mean. Aldonza: Get back here! Wildcat: (putting a screw in a remote control) Well, it took a lot of work, but it was worth it. (view changes to see a giant steel trap on top of a birdbath) Wildcat's birdbath of death. (Silhouette of Atom Cat appears, along with a slideshow) Atom Cat: Here's a picture of me at the zoo......here's a picture of Wildcat next to a very rare and expensive parrot....(pauses)....Here's a picture of me shelling out $1000 for Wildcat's lunch. Bird: (perched on birdbath; talking to Wildcat) I'm a talking bird, and you are a fat cat! Wildcat: (walks away; his mouth full) Who is no longer hungry. MICE! Mouse #1: This, students, is the domesticated house cat. Descendant of the mighty lion....now degenerated into this. Mouse #2 and #3: Sad. Wildcat: I have a sudden urge to wake up and kill something. (A mouse races by Aldonza.) Aldonza: MOUSE! (Wildcat points to something else.) Wildcat: CHAIR! (A mouse races on by.) Aldonza: How come I just saw a mouse run across the table? Wildcat: Normally you wouldn't, but Fat Eddie's pretty slow. Television: The Adventures of Ed, the Wonder Cat----***click***The adventures of Lothar, Mouse Warrior!! Wildcat: (staring at a mouse hole) I hope those batteries wear down soon. (There is a sorta miniature golf setting. Wildcat taps a golf ball with a club. The golf ball goes right between Aldonza's legs and lands in the mouse hole. The mice gathered at the hole clap, while Aldonza yells:) WILDCAT! (There is a procession on the table. First there is a mouse in a tuxedo, then 4 more mice dressed the same way. 4 female mice walk on down, followed by a smaller mouse carrying a ring. Next is Atom Cat, spreading flowers over the table. Wildcat follows, escorting a mouse in a bridal gown.) Wildcat: I'm giving the bride away! Aldonza: (screams) WILDCAT! Aldonza: GET THE MOUSE! Wildcat: (starts writing on a notepad) How's your schedule for the 21st? Say, late morning? Mouse: I'm out of town. How about the 26th, around 3 o clock? Wildcat: Works for me. Mouse: I'll have my people confirm with yours. Aldonza: (moans) Atom Cat: (in mouse costume) I'll show those stupid mice. (knocks on mouse's door) Mouse: What's the password? Atom Cat: Iggy sent me. Mouse: Sorry, that was last week's password. (Trapdoor opens under Atom Cat) (A mouse walks across the floor) Mouse: The mouse, fearing for his life, tears across the floor.... (Wildcat follows him) Wildcat: .....with the mighty hunter in hot pursuit! (After he leaves...) Aldonza: The thrill of watching nature in the raw. WILDCAT WRECKS THE HOLIDAYS Aldonza: The lights are up....(flips a switch)....the switch is thrown......(power goes out) The fuse is blown! Atom Cat: And the tradition lives on. Aldonza: Okay, the lights are all hung! Plug them in! Atom Cat: This is the moment I look forward to every year. (plugs in the lights; power goes out) The annual blowing out of the neighborhood power grid. Aldonza: So, how was your visit with the big guy at the mall? Atom Cat: Very good. He was in a playful mood. Ever hear the one about the elf and the blender? Aldonza: (starts singing, which irritates Wildcat) ....to be jolly, fah-lah-lah-lah-lah, lah-lah-lah.... Wildcat: (ties a ribbon around her lips) Aldonza: La.... Aldonza: I'm trusting you not to peek at your present. Atom Cat: You have my word. Aldonza: By the way, what's with the drill? Atom Cat: What drill? Aldonza: I'm leaving your present under the tree. I'm trusting you not to peek. Atom Cat: You have my word of honor. Aldonza: Uncross your toes. Atom Cat: You little finks! Wildcat: (to himself) I think you've taken this a little too far with this celebration thing, Aldonza...well, we'll see. (points to Aldonza) As a joke, I've tied her shoelaces together. (grins, and indicates a hook) And as a bonus joke, I've attached this hook to an airliner about to leave for Italy. Aldonza: (disappears, screaming) Wildcat: Bring back pizza! Wildcat: (hands Atom Cat a rope) Here you go. (shouts out a door) Take it away, boys! (rope disappears, and so does Atom Cat) Thanks, boys! (Aldonza is sitting at a table, drinking coffee) Atom Cat: (blows a noisemaker, startling Aldonza) Aldonza: Atom Cat, New Years Day isn't for 3 days yet! Atom Cat: Practice makes perfect. Wildcat: (frowns) Oh, great. Not Atom Cat getting involved in this! (walks up to Atom Cat in a chair, and hands him a small balloon) Here you go. Atom Cat: (thanks) Wildcat: (ducks around a corner, and shoots a dart at the balloon, shattering it. There is ink all over Atom Cat and his chair) INK BALLOON! Wildcat: COOKING POT ON THE HEAD! (throws it down on Atom Cat's head and hits it, then lifts it up. Needless to say, Atom Cat isn't too thrilled.) You're not laughing. (Wildcat is napping on the table, while Aldonza is drinking coffee. Wildcat wakes up just long enough to spread his arms to the sides, yell "ONE MORE TIME!", then fall asleep again. Aldonza's coffee has been spilled down her face.) (Atom Cat is standing in front of a wall, wearing sunglasses and roller blades, and holding a tennis racquet and a shovel in each hand and wearing a jester's cap. Aldonza walks on by with a newspaper, and starts to read it. However, she keeps on looking back at Atom Cat, and, finally, she can't take it.) Aldonza: ALL RIGHT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Atom Cat: At the moment, making you crazy. Atom Cat: What do you think of the refrigerator? Wildcat: It keeps the food off the floor. Atom Cat: Do you think we should get a new one? Wildcat: Do you think air will catch on as a breathing medium? Atom Cat: Let's go shopping. Wildcat: Atom Cat, you don't shop for a refrigerator. You make a committment. (Atom Cat and Wildcat are going refrigerator shopping.) Atom Cat: We're looking for a refrigerator. Salesman: I see. Anything specific? Atom Cat: (takes a look at Wildcat) Do you have any with alarms and a time lock? Salesman: This refrigerator has a TV installed right in the door. And, for the hopelessly lazy, a roll-away bed! Wildcat: What? No hot tub? Salesman: This baby has lots of options, including windshield wipers and a horn. Atom Cat: You mean stuff like wipers and horns are optional? Salesman: No offense, pal, but in your price range, the TIRES are optional. Car salesman: Don't worry, folks; I'll be right back. Atom Cat: Honest Ed seems honest enough, but there's something about him I don't trust. Wildcat: Maybe it's the fact that his office is a pickup truck with the engine running. Car salesman: Thanks for shopping at Honest Ed's. And remember: We stand beside every car we sell. Atom Cat: Don't you mean BEHIND every car you sell? (Car rolls away and crashes) Salesman: Not with the mechanics I've got working for me! Wildcat: I've decided my living area was a mite drab, so I've decided to fix it up a bit. Aldonza: (looks at the blueprints) What? No servant's quarters? Wildcat: Of course! Right over here behind the pool! ON THE FENCE Cat: Your act stinks! Atom Cat: There's that idiot again. Look, just for once, could you find something else to say? Cat: That's a really well-built fence! Atom Cat: Anyone here from out of town?.....Anyone here from IN town?......ANYONE here? Atom Cat: I'd like to take requests from the audience! (pauses) Any requests?.....(pauses) Any audience?..... Atom Cat: I'd like to ask for a volunteer from the audience! (pauses.....no one walks up) I'd like to ask for an audience. Atom Cat: Anyone here from out of town? (Atom Cats gets hit with a pineapple) Atom Cat: (dazed) Hawaii! How nice! Atom Cat: A funny thing happened on the way up to the fence tonight. I walked up to a Chihuahua and asked him for 5 bucks. He said, "Sorry, I'm a little short right now!" (surrounded by a group of Chihuahuas) No, I kid Chihuahuas! Seriously, they're a beautiful breed of rat, I mean, dog! But I want to tell you.... Atom Cat: Greetings, ladies and germs! (crowd starts throwing things at him) I just flew in from L.A., and boy, are my paws tired! My car is so old, it's insured against fire, theft, and Indian raids! Take my dog.....please.... (Later, Atom Cat walks in, covered with food debris and a boot over his head) Kyile: It must have been one of your better nights. Atom Cat: I was in rare form. (Atom Cat starts tap dancing on the fence) Crowd: BOO! BOO! Atom Cat: Come on, you ingrates! Do your worst! Crowd: BOO! (Later....Atom Cat is covered with pink fluff and various cones) Wildcat: Uhhhh.... Atom Cat: There was a cotton candy vendor at the show tonight. Puppet #1: We're the puppet friends! Won't you be our friend? Puppet #2: You silly, EVERYONE loves the puppet friends! Kyile and Replay: DEATH TO PUPPETS! Puppet #1: Except for those morons in the second row! Puppet #2: Yeah, step closer and say that, punks! Atom Cat: .....and so the moose says, "that was no herring, that was my trout!" (A noose with a stuffed cat is rolled on by, while Atom Cat is watching. Later....) Wildcat: What are you dialing? Atom Cat: My agent's beeper. Atom Cat:.....and so the rooster says, "that was no chicken, that was my wife!" (A trumpet hits him) Atom Cat: Sheesh....even the band hates my act! Atom Cat: (voiceover) A spotlight hits center stage. (steps into the spotlight) Out steps the star! The crowd goes wild! Thank you! Thank you! (Aldonza is seen holding a flashlight) Aldonza: Why am I doing this? Atom Cat: There's an old phrase in show-biz: "Find out what your audience wants and give it to them." (Crowd throws stuff at Atom Cat and he falls off the fence) Atom Cat: Obviously, my audience wants a target. Atom Cat: Well, you've been a good audience tonight. Crowd: Boo! Atom Cat: I'd like to give you a kiss. Crowd: Boo! Atom Cat: How about a good slap and a live badger up the nose? TV SHOWN Aldonza: Well, we can either get a good night's sleep, or we can stay up and watch "Revenge of the Kyile Worms." (reads from TV Guide) "Bait store owner learns not to tease the inventory." Wildcat: I'll make the popcorn. Wildcat: Just when you think they've televised every sport.... TV: YOWWWW! Wildcat: There's blindfolded darts. Wildcat: Sheesh.....another movie about the acts of a kind-hearted, lovable dog. Why is it you don't see anything like that about kind-hearted, lovable cats? (Replay walks in front of him and pauses to watch the show) Wildcat: Move or die, bean brain. Tv: Tonight's movie: Featuring Ed the Wonder Cat in: HAIRBALLS FROM OUTER SPACE! Wildcat: Not every cat can wear tights. Tv: Coming up next, some mindless gravel designed to insult your intellect. Wildcat: (shouts at Replay and Aldonza) Hey, guys! Your show is on! Tv: The adventures of Ed the Wonder Cat! Ed! I'm sinking in quicksand! Get help! No, Ed! Don't go to sleep! Wildcat: My hero. Tv: Next, we'll flambe' our souffle with an acetylene torch! (flaming noise) YAAAAAHHHHH! Sorry for the interruption, but "Psycho Chef" is undergoing technical difficulties. Grab him! Grab him! Replay: "Technical?" Tv: And NOW we WELCOME you to.....BOWLING FOR BEAN DIP!!! Brought to you by..... Aldonza: (in tipped over chair) Wildcat, wherever you are, leave the remote control alone! Replay: (sits down) Now for a nice quiet evening of television.... (Wildcat leaps in, changes the channel 3 times, dumps a bowl of popcorn over his head, then shreds the chair) Replay: Not around here, at any rate. Tv: The area looks pretty clear, so we'll put Mr. Sunshine right here. However, the forecast shows an approaching low-pressure area, so we'll put mean ol' Mr. Thunderstorm and his lightning bolt right here. LOOK OUT, MR. SUNSHINE! BOOM! KABOOM! BLAM! Aldonza: Millions in state-of-the-art technology to gather data, and we get baby talk. Tv: The news is too depressing, so tonight I'll read a comic book instead! Aldonza: ZOMBIES FROM VENUS ARE INVADING EARTH?! Wildcat: Film at eleven. Tv: Today on the news, I see giant roaches....(swat swat)....who are mildly amused by attempts to swat them with a newspaper! Bwa-ha! Resistance is futile! Submit, humans! Replay: Come on, get to the sports scores. Tv: And now....bowling for geeks! Wildcat: (peeks from behind the TV) A-ha! Aldonza: (frantically) Just flipping through the channels! Tv: This week, on "Unfinished Sentence Theater," we will----.......Thanks for------......Tune in again next-----..... Wildcat: (screams) Tv: Here comes Super Dog, in to save the day! Zooming through the sky, searching for danger wherever it may lurk----**SPLAT** Replay Jr.: Hard to do from the windshield of a 747. Tv: Turn the wipers on, Mack. Wildcat: I watched a terrible movie last night called "Alien Dog". It was about a 30-foot dog that terrorized the world. However, they DID dispatch him with a rather clever ploy. They electrified a 12-story fire hydrant! Tv: Good morning, everyone! Wildcat: Good morning, uncle Roy. Tv: I like you just the way you are! Wildcat: I like you too, uncle Roy. Tv: Of course, you could stand to lose a little weight..... Wildcat: I wonder what Binky the Clown is up to? Tv: Well, here comes Mr. Blue Jeans, the mailman. Hey there, Mr. Blue Jeans. Any mail for me? Mr. BJ: Well, here's a tax notice and a copy of "Leather and Bike" Magazine. And here's a letter from your ex-wife's lawyer.... Wildcat: This is a side of Uncle Roy I've never seen before. Tv: Here we are in an actual factory, boys and girls. Lets see what we can learn from.....YAAAAAA!! (whack whack whack whack) Shut this #@$%! thing off! Wildcat: Uncle Roy is learning never to wear loose clothing around heavy machinery. Tv: How about a walk through my neighborhood. Would you like that? Wildcat: Sure, Uncle Roy. Tv: Here we are outside my hou-----Hey, wait a second! What are you doing?!....HELP! BINKY THE CLOWN'S STEALING MY HUBCAPS! Wildcat: Must be ratings week. Tv: Good morning, boys and girls! I love you just the way you are! Wildcat: I love you too, Uncle Roy. Tv: I'm in this cast today thanks to Binky the Clown who mugged me yesterday. But that's okay, because I love him just the way he is.....BEHIND BARS!!! Wildcat: Uncle Roy's only human, I guess. Tv: Hello, everyone, and welcome to "hit me with a hammer"! My name is Twink Winkleman, and our first contestant is----OW!-----Suck it up, Twink, you big baby!----Oh, yeah? Baby THIS! --(wham) Wildcat: Television's finest hour. Tv: And now, back to the Binky the Clown show! Binky: HEEEYYYYYY, KIDS! Wildcat: Good morning, Binky. Binky: It's a beautiful day in Binkyland. Kids, say hello to Mr. Sun! Wildcat: Hello, Mr. Sun. Binky: Wow, here comes Mr. Fish to visit us! Hello, Mr. Fish! Kids, can you say hello to..... AIIEEEE! Replay Jr.: (walks up to the screen; in unison with Wildcat) Hello, Mr. Piranha. Tv: Watch this. I throw a ball. The dog fetches it. A cat won't do that. And why not? Wildcat: (growls) Does the word PRIDE ring a bell? Tv: Welcome to "Block That Kick"! Our fist contestant is Gary. Are you ready, Gary? Gary: Huh? Tv: (BOOF) Gary: Gaaah! Replay: THAT'S going to raise a welt. Tv: Welcome to the Rocky Oxnard SHOW. Wildcat: I always turn the volume knob the wrong way. Tv: Today on our cooking show, we have our special "soup surprise". Now, you may ask, what's so surprising about soup? Well, you see, there's a little man inside the pot.... Kyile: Guess who's been hitting the vanilla extract? Wildcat: What's all this negative talk about television? Aldonza: They say families don't visit anymore. Replay: Isn't that what commercials are for? Tv: The National Cat Channel presents: an unwanted dog's tragic journey: "Old Drooler Meets the Electric Fence." Wildcat: I should be taping this. EARLY IN THE MORNING Wildcat: That's it, Aldonza. You've had enough. Voice: (from above) Just one more cup? Wildcat: No more coffee. Atom Cat: Yessirthere'snothinglikeafreshpotofcoffeefirstthinginthemorning. That'srightandsomedoughnutsagooddoughnuttodunkandmunch. A secondandthirdcupisnicetoo,alongwithmoredougnutsandmoreandmorecoffee. Wildcat: I'm cutting you off. (Replay is slowly sneaking up behind Atom Cat while he is drinking coffee) Replay: BOO! (Atom Cat just sits there) Replay: I thought cats were supposed to be high-strung. Atom Cat: Give it time. This is just my second cup. (Wildcat is sitting calmly at a table) Atom Cat: (whacks a cup of coffee on the table; his eyes are wide open and he looks wide awake) BEAN ME!!! Wildcat: Something tells me this isn't your first cup today. Replay: Wildcat, I can't find my bag of---- (Zang-zing-zoing....Wildcat appears all over the screen at the speed of light) Replay: .....chocolate-covered coffee beans. GOOD HUMOR Replay: Someone ate the piece of cake I was saving. (walks away) Wildcat: Any suspects, Sherlock? Aldonza: There are mice all over this house, and there you lie! And you call yourself a cat! Wildcat: Mooooo. Atom Cat: I feel like a snack....maybe that last piece of pie.... Wildcat: (Burrrrrrp) Atom Cat: Or those two slices of leftover pizza..... Wildcat: (Burrrrp, burrrrrp) Atom Cat: Or those 3 buffalo wings...... Wildcat: (braaap, braaap, braaap) Atom Cat: Or the 6-pack of soda..... Wildcat: (Yurp-yurp-yurp-yurp-yurp-yurp) Atom Cat: Isn't there ANYTHING left? Wildcat: How about a nice refrigerator bulb? Atom Cat: I like to think of myself as a role model for you guys. (walks away) Aldonza: Huh? Wildcat: That's right. We get to blame everything on him. Atom Cat: I'm tired. Wildcat: I'm Wildcat. You look like you're Atom Cat, tired. Aldonza: I had that falling dream again. You know, the one where I fall? I woke up before I hit bottom, though. Wildcat: That is just one person's opinion. Boss: You've won the bid to sponsor the company aerobics program. Everyone else wanted to do it for the money. You're the only one who offered to do it for the laughs....although I don't see what's so funny about it. Wildcat: (tail twitches) Engineers, aerobics....think about it. Wildcat: The skeptics say that a company fitness program won't work. Let's do some aerobics and see who's right! (The engineers attempt to do aerobics but wind up falling over each other) Engineer #1: The skeptics are right. Wildcat: We usually are. Atom Cat: You might as well admit that I'm a better basketball player than you. Wildcat: Never! (leaps into the air) Atom Cat: You're cheating! That's hovering! Wildcat: No, it's the illusion of hang-time. I learned it from Michael Jordan. It's a combination of great leaping ability plus the way I move my legs. (dunks the ball) Atom Cat: There! Right there! That's definitely hovering! (Atom Cat and Wildcat are seen wearing goggles) Atom Cat: I think you've tampered with the virtual reality program! Wildcat: Just play the game. Boss: (to Aldonza) See the new member of your project team. I hired him myself; that means I can't fire him. Microsoft hired his head. It's in a jar in Redmond. Aldonza: And WE got the part that goes to meetings! Aldonza: So, you must be the new member of my team. Let's check your pockets for any identifcation. (Aldonza reaches into his back pockets; the man grabs hold of her) Atom Cat: (walks up) Sheesh, Aldonza, can't you let the new guy settle in, first? Aldonza: (walking around a headless man) According to his name card, his name is Edward Mann. Atom Cat: Is his midde name Lester? Aldonza: Yes. Why? Atom Cat: Because what we have here is an Ed Less Mann. Wildcat: I don't think your new guy is working out. Boss: Why? Wildcat: Maybe because he has no head. Boss: Is there a problem with that? Wildcat: (thinking) Um....no....but the new guy thinks so. Boss: Then he's fired for insubordination! Aldonza: I hate to interrupt this pleasant conversation, but I think I speak for all the other workers here when I say......SHUT UP!!! Atom Cat: I admire your work ethic, Aldonza. You're working even during your vacation. It must be exciting to work even if you know that you can't break through the glass ceiling. Aldonza: (clobbers him through the ceiling) Well, it looks like it's just tile, after all! Replay: You should exercise more. (Pause) Wildcat: More than what? Atom Cat: I'm so dull, I'm almost invisible. (Wildcat perks up) Wildcat: Huh? Who said that? Atom Cat: (races on by) Yes! Exercise! (Pause) Wildcat: Yes! Just lying here! Replay: Believe it or not, Wildcat, the world does not revolve around you! (pauses) Although you are big enough for it to! Wildcat: One shot at a time, please. Aldonza: New neighbors. It doesn't look good. Atom Cat: If the yak gets off the leash, I'm outta here. Replay: Wildcat, get up. Wildcat: Go away. Replay: (taps him on the head) C'mon, Mr. Grumpy, rise and shine! Wildcat: (shreds him) Never touch "Mr. Grumpy" before noon. Wildcat: (screaming) SANDWICH! (runs across table and disappears) (Aldonza just stands there, unsure of what's going on, as a giant sandwich falls over her.) Wildcat: I'm making a little sandwich. (Suddenly spins around) HEY, YOU! YEAH, YOU ACROSS THE STREET! GET AWAY FROM MY PASTRAMI! Atom Cat: There's cat hair in my food! Wildcat: I know how you feel. There's food in my cat hair. Atom Cat: I'm in a playful mood. And when I'm in a playful mood, that can mean only one thing: chess by mail! Replay: Do you feel that? That's electricity in the air! Atom Cat: (storms over to the door and yanks it open) I CAN GET A DATE ANYTIME I WANT! Kyile: Those darn tour buses. Replay: How come you rarely meow? Wildcat: That's silly talk. Replay: Other cats meow. Wildcat: They have no dignity. Replay: Come on, meow for me. Wildcat: First, you goo-goo for me. Atom Cat: I feel like the world is laughing at me. (pulls the door open to find a group of people laughing at him) Wake me up in the evening, will you? Wildcat: (peeks outside) Big crowd today. Atom Cat: Here's a diet quiz, Wildcat. Would you turn in your best friend for a jelly doughnut? Wildcat: I'd visit you on weekends. Replay: I think I knew the answer to that one. Atom Cat: (sighs; rain is on the roof) Monday....it's dreary, and pouring rain.....would could be worse? Wildcat: There's a motorcycle gang in the driveway. Atom Cat: Remember Cindy? The girl who said she couldn't go out with me tonight? I just saw her at the store. (pauses) Hey, wait a minute! She didn't have brain surgery after all! Aldonza: A dim bulb brightens. Atom Cat: Here's a food quiz, Wildcat. What's the most important ingredient? Wildcat: Grease. Atom Cat: What's fast food? Wildcat: Meat that's still moving. Atom Cat: What's the most important meal of the day? Wildcat: 4 A.M....a bag of chips and a bowl of dip. Atom Cat: (looking through an old yearbook) This is Harold. He used to call me a loser! (looks at another photo) This is me at the prom. Wildcat: Lovely dress your mother is wearing. Thorm: Did you bring your husband to the reunion? Aldonza: No. Thorm: Boyfriend? Aldonza: Actually, I brought my cat. Thorm: (turns to crowd) HEY, ALDONZA BROUGHT A CAT!!! (Aldonza gets angry) Wildcat: I sense hostility. Atom Cat: Gary Parker! How about this reunion? Gary: HA, HA, HA, HA! Atom Cat: (to Wildcat) I could always crack this guy up. Gary: (grabs his shoulder and laughs even louder) Atom Cat: Gary.....uh, Gary?..... Wildcat: We need a net over here. Flea #1: Are we there yet, papa? Wildcat: Fleas! Flea #2: There it is, friends: the big cat. It is a stable land; the beast seldom moves. We will settle here and raise our young. We will plant our crops. We will sing and dance! We will start a volunteer fire department! Wildcat: Spray me quick. Aldonza: (hand over phone) That was one of my friends. She wants to know what you did with her pet dog. Wildcat: (points up) Aldonza: (into phone) Look up. Phone: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKK! Wildcat: Amazing stuff, duct tape. Replay: Whenever we talk, we always end up yelling. This proves that you have poor communication skills. I'm sending you to a class to improve them. Kyile: It looks like you've gained weight. Would it help if I started jogging? Replay: This is exactly what I'm talking about. Boss: Your performance was "meets expectations". You get a 2% raise. Aldonza: "MEETS EXPECTATIONS"?! I WORKED EIGHTY HOURS EVERY WEEK! Boss: I know. I expected that. Aldonza: I EARNED 4 PATENTS THIS YEAR! THE COMPANY WILL MAKES MILLIONS! Boss: Really? Wow. I mean....I expected that too. Aldonza: I DONATED BONE MARROW TO OUR BIGGEST COSTUMER!....TWICE!!! Boss: I noted that under "attendance problem." (At lunch) Aldonza: (sobs) Atom Cat: I told you that bone marrow thing would come back to haunt you. Wildcat: I'm starting to think the time I worked through lunch was for nothing. Wildcat: When I take over the world, I'm going to name a city after you. Atom Cat: Wow! Wildcat: But before I do that, I'll change your name to Pittsburgh. If you play your cards right, I'll change your last name to "Yoo-hoo" and name a beverage after you too! Atom Cat: YES! I'm going to be famous! Atom Cat: I remember back when ice cream cones were only 5 cents. But I'm only dating myself, now..... Wildcat: Well, it's not like anyone else would date you. Replay: I worked on a jigsaw puzzle for 8 hours. As it turned out, there was a piece missing. Wildcat: Small world. I worked on a puzzle for 8 hours, and there was 399 pieces missing. Aldonza: Look at this! What am I supposed to do with all this cat hair?! Wildcat: Make yourself another cat. Aldonza (thinks): I have the distinct feeling that I was just zinged. Replay: You know what's disgusting? Things covered with cat hair! Wildcat: How true. (begins to walk away, but then turns towards him) Hey, wait a minute! Wildcat: People who have simple pleasures should be admired. (Atom Cat walks by, singing something about bunny slippers) Wildcat: .....and then executed. (Aldonza walks up to a smiling Wildcat) Aldonza: Okay, what's the grin for? (pauses) You did something, didn't you? (face-faults) Was there any property damage or loss of life? Wildcat: (grin becomes wider) Define "life". Aldonza: That's what I thought. Wildcat: (thinking) I eat too much because I'm depressed, and I'm depressed because I eat too much. It's a vicious circle...(gulps down his lunch)....that took years to perfect! (Click click click click click) Atom Cat: Rats. (Click click click) Atom Cat: RATS. (Click click) Atom Cat: RATS! (Cli-) Atom Cat: Aaagggghhhhh!! Wildcat: No one can lose at computer games faster than Atom Cat. Replay: (walks up to a napping Wildcat) HEY THERE, BULLET! WHOOSH! THERE HE GOES! SLOW DOWN, LIGHTNING! Wildcat: The cat is not amused. Atom Cat: (on the phone) Yes, I'd like to order a large pizza with everything on it, to be delivered. Thank you. (hangs up and walks away) Wildcat: (comes out of hiding and holds up a microphone and tape player) Now, THERE'S a little tape that will come in handy. Boss: I had asked you to put me down for Harvard, but this line here says "Clown College". Secretary: It's a prerequisite course. (thinks) This is gonna cost me on Secretaries Day. Boss: I hope it's okay to be an angry clown. VP: I'd like you to meet our newest costumer. Boss: (shakes hand with costumer) You won't be sorry; we're one of the top five companies in this field. Costumer: (to VP) I thought you said no one else makes this kind of product. Boss: No one else makes one with so few features. Costumer: So, your strategy is low price, right? Boss: No, high margins! Costumer: YOU!!! (strangles the VP) Boss: (thinking) I really have to ask someone what a "margin" is. Atom Cat: (in a golfer's outfit) Do you know where we're going? Wildcat: We're going to clown college. Atom Cat: We're going to play golf. Let's go! (Wildcat shows up with a paper bag over his head) Atom Cat: And what's THIS about? Wildcat: I've never been so embarassed in my life. Atom Cat: Fetch my golf ball, could you, Aldonza? (Aldonza looks down into the hole and takes a shovel, and starts digging. After a few moments, Aldonza grabs the golf ball) Atom Cat: Let's talk.... Wildcat: Here comes the groundskeeper, and yes, I believe he's carrying a gun. Atom Cat: Wildcat, could you bring my golf clubs? Wildcat: (brings in an empty bag) Atom Cat: NO! WHERE ARE MY CLUBS?! Wildcat: Back where I decided to lighten the load. Atom Cat: (picks up phone) Hello? Uh, I think you have the wrong number....but, would you care to make it the RIGHT number, songbird? Wildcat: This is a lonely cat, here. Replay: I can't believe this guy....trying to get a date with a wrong number! Atom Cat: Tomorrow at seven? Great! Replay and Wildcat: A DESPERATE wrong number! Atom Cat: Here comes my date. Wildcat, meet...... Wildcat: (leaps 5 feet in the air) MOMMA MIA! (races away) Huge woman: What's wrong with your cat? Atom Cat: He's, uh, terrified of daisies. Atom Cat: Be nice to my date. She might be a little sensitive about her weight. Wildcat: How'd she get in here? Through the garage door? Atom Cat: Her name is Bertha. Aldonza: Figures. Atom Cat: She's a good person. You can't judge a book by its cover, you know. Replay: And you can't judge a ship by its hull. (At a cafe later on....) Waiter: A table or a booth? Atom Cat: A table. Aldonza: And the lady will have a booth. Bertha: What does a person have to do to get some service around here? Atom Cat: You have to get to your table, first. Wildcat: That's a stupid rule. Waiter: So, how what madam like her steak? Bertha: Just run the steer by the table, and I'll break off a hunk! (Wildcat, Aldonza, and Bertha break in hysterics) Atom Cat: Et tu, Wildcat? Atom Cat: I'm too full to finish this last piece of steak. Would one of you three like to---- (Wildcat, Aldonza, and Bertha start fighting over the steak) Atom Cat: I guess we won't be needing a doggy bag. Atom Cat: So, how was your meal? Bertha: GREAT! (slaps him on the shoulders, knocking him onto the table) (Atom Cat picks himself up) Wildcat: Just be thankful she didn't hate it. Atom Cat: I'm going to take a moment to reflect on my life. (stands there for a second) That didn't take long. Aldonza: Like scuba diving in a shot glass. Man: (pokes his head out of rain puddle) Excuse me, but which is the way to Cinncinnati? Wildcat: (points south) Man: Thanks. Wildcat: I can tell by the writing on the wall that it's time to check myself into the funny farm. Wildcat: (watching the puddle) Look at the ants coming in to do some swimming. Uh-oh. A tiny minnow is cruising in to eat the swimmers. Uh-oh. The minnow just got harpooned by an ant that bears a striking resemblance to Robert Shaw. Atom Cat: (standing with Wildcat in a forest) What do you think when you see a beautiful nature scene like this? Wildcat: Pizza. (points to a stump) And that stump over there reminds me of lasagna. (Wildcat is napping next to an alarm clock) Clock: You are accidently locked inside a lasagna factory. (A grin appears on Wildcat's face) You are roaming by the endless line of shifters and girders when a familiar aroma beckons you....it's a huge, steaming vat of lasagna! (His grin becomes WIDER) You're seconds away from the greatest feast in HISTORY! (Just as Wildcat was enjoying the dream, the alarm clock goes off) Atom Cat: Wildcat, I know you hate getting out of bed.....(points to a clock in a noose)....but lynching the alarm clock? Wildcat: He had it coming. (Wildcat and Aldonza are fighting each other when Atom Cat walks up to them) Atom Cat: Hold on a second! It's a beautiful day out there. Doesn't that give you any ideas? (Atom Cat is dumped out the window, and the fighting continues) Atom Cat: (walks up to Wildcat) Now, tell me something. If life is governed by the survival of the fittest......HOW COME YOU'RE STILL AROUND?! Wildcat: I stay out of drafts. Replay: (walks into the office) I'm here to perform an exorcism. Boss: (shouts) YOUR MOTHER PERFORMS MULTIPLE PROCESSES WITHOUT SYNERGY!! (flings his head around) REORG!! Replay: Here's the problem: someone gave you this oversized coffee mug. (A gray cloud rolls into the office) Wildcat: A new fog is rolling in. Aldonza: This can mean only one thing. (Boss walks up to secretary with smoke flowing out of his ears) Boss: Carol, call a staff meeting. It's time to reorganize the department. Boss: (reading from an agenda) Expect a great year. We expect increased profit and market share! (reads farther down) There will be no raises because it will be a difficult year....(turns to secretary) Carol, I thought I told you to put the United Way update between those two agenda items. Carol: Oopsie. BAD NEWS Boss: We're not giving out any raises. MAKING IT WORSE Boss: But we think work is it's own reward. MAKING IT MUCH WORSE Boss: Expect to be rewarded about twice as much next year. Boss: (at meeting) Our vice president is stopping by today. Be sure to increase the number of lies accordingly, and to decrease the details you provide. Say everything is fine, but we need more funding. If I think you're providing too much, I'll signal by fidgeting. (looks out the door) Here he comes. VP: Sorry I'm late. How is everyone? Atom Cat: I'm not saying. Wildcat: I'm fine, but I need more funding. Aldonza: I have a wide variety of super powers. VP: (thinks) I have a sudden urge to withdraw my stock options. Boss: (bends his arms and thinks) Fidget, fidget. Boss: (talking to Aldonza) Your performance exceeding all expectations this year.....but I'm not giving you a raise because I want you to have something to shoot for. It's good to have something to shoot for. Aldonza: Stay here while I get my harpoon. Carol: (carrying a crossbow) The secretary with a crossbow goes on the hunt. (spots the boss) Moby Dick! (Later) Wildcat: You've been harpooned again, sir. Boss: Yes, but I capsized her desk. Boss: You are scheduled to have lunch with the vice president. This is how they show they are just regular people, like you and me. (Later, Wildcat is at lunch with the VP) VP: (shouts) I COULD SQUASH YOU LIKE A BUG! (laughs) VP: I hold these lunch meetings to hear what the employees are thinking. You may speak freely. Wildcat: It seems like all the decisions made by upper management are boring. VP: You leave me no choice but to fling this au gratin potato at your forehead. Replay: So, how was your lunch with the vice president? Wildcat: Everything was fine until the food fight. He started throwing au gratin potatoes....I countered with an ear of corn to the head and ran for the exit. When I left, he was face-down in the gravy and the kitchen staff was singing "Ding-dong the witch is dead"! Atom Cat: Hey, Wildcat, let's play catch! (throws a ball) (The ball bounces off Wildcat's stomach) Atom Cat: I said, CATCH. Wildcat: I prefer RICOCHET. Atom Cat: I'm home. Most friends scamper to meet their other friends. NOT YOU, THOUGH. Wildcat: I believe the keyword is "Scamper". Atom Cat: One last cookie. Do you know what this means? Wildcat: That I get to eat it? Atom Cat: That you ate all the others! Wildcat: Oh, well. That, too. Atom Cat: One last cookie. One last stale, rock-hard, bottom-of-the-pile, stale, crusty cookie. (looks sad) You're going to eat it, aren't you? Wildcat: Indeedy-do. Replay: One last cookie. You know, you could be a real great guy and let me eat that. (Wildcat eats the cookie and walks away) Replay: Or, you could be a cat. Kyile: One last cookie. I saw it first. Wildcat: (eats it) You also saw it last. Aldonza: If you eat that last cookie, I'll be very sad. Wildcat: (eats it and pats her arm comfortingly) There, there. Replay: I found a food that you won't be able to play with, Wildcat: Tomato soup. Wildcat: (plops his head in the soup) Replay: As long as I live, I'll never understand cats. Wildcat: Cats? What are cats? We soda crackers know nothing of cats. (Replay is standing at the table with a camera around his neck) Wildcat: (face down in the tomato soup) The world famous hunter Wildcat is scouring the depths in search of the elusive tomato guppy. (suddenly grabs the camera) QUICK! GIMME THAT CAMERA! (face down in the soup; there's a faint click) For the first time, the spawning habits of the tomato guppy are captured on film. Wildcat: J. Worthington IV was found facedown in his tomato soup. Was it natural causes? Aldonza: Wildcat! Wildcat: Or was it because he was about to write J. Worthington V out of his will? (Wildcat ambushes Atom Cat) Wildcat: BANZAI! (There's a loud splattering) Wildcat: Why didn't you warn me we were having soup? Wildcat: BANZAI! (Dives after lasagna but misses) Aldonza: Aim a little off today? Wildcat: This tastes like linoleum! (Aldonza walks up and accidently startles Wildcat into putting his face in the bowl) Wildcat: I really envy you, Aldonza. (clobbers her through the roof) Imagine....the first fox on the moon. Wildcat: How was your tennis date with Gloria? Atom Cat: (spits out a tennis ball) I think she had a pretty good serve. Kyile: Doing anything tonight? Atom Cat: I'm going to catch the new flick down at the theater. It's about this kid that puts a tack on his teacher's chair, and she sits on it. Kyile: Not much of a plot. Atom Cat: Not really, but I still enjoy the movies where the boy gets the girl in the end. Replay: Kyile, toss me a roll. (As Kyile tosses him a roll, Wildcat leaps up and gulps it down.) Replay: Kyile, PASS me a roll. Aldonza: Would you like to go jogging with me? Wildcat: Would you like me to shred your shoes? (thinks) Strange. Show me a jogger, and I'll show you a strange person with a thing for pain. Wildcat: (thinking) Boy, I'm bored. (Holds up a straw with a pebble in it) (Wildcat blows the pebble, and it hits Aldonza's head. Aldonza collides with Atom Cat, who, in turn, collides with Replay, starting a major cat-fight) Wildcat: I feel better already. (Atom Cat gets up from a chair and leaves for a moment) Wildcat: (walks up to the chair) A warm spot! It's no sunbeam, but it will do. (Right before Atom Cat begins to sit on top of him...) Wildcat: ROWRR! (Atom Cat gets stuck in the ceiling) Wildcat: The first rule of living with a cat: Look before you sit. (Wildcat stumbles through the door) Aldonza: What happened to you? (Wildcat describes what happens through a series of arm movements) Aldonza: You're saying....you're walking along, minding your own business.....and you stopped to smell a flower....when Replay came up behind you....(gets clobbered by Wildcat).....and knocked the stuffing out of you. Wildcat: Indeed. Wildcat: I think I'll let my good nature show through today. (boots Aldonza) My worse nature is not a pretty sight. Wildcat: (sneezes....sneezes, sneezes, sneezes) A-choo! A-choo! A-choo! A-choo! A-choo! A-choo! A-choo! A-choo! A-choo! A-choo! A-choo! A-choo! A-choo! A-choo! A-choo! A-choo! A-choo! A-choo! A-choo! A-choo! Atom Cat: I think you may be coming down with something. Wildcat: (sarcastic) Well, Dr. Salk, what tipped you off? Aldonza: How's your cold? Wildcat: (blows his nose) Great! (throws tissue away) I'm not so well.....but the cold's doing great. (Gestures towards wastebasket; pile in wastebasket is near the ceiling) (Wildcat starts sniffing) Wildcat: **sniff** Atom Cat: (justs sits there) Wildcat: (leans closer) **SNIFF** Atom Cat: (just sits there) Wildcat: **SNUCK!!** Atom Cat: Yes, Wildcat, I know you're not feeling well. Atom Cat: (wheezes) I thik Widcat gabe me a code. Replay: Say what? Atom Cat: (wheezes) I thik Widcat gabe me a code! Replay: Pardon? Atom Cat: (yells) GABE ME A CODE! GABE ME A CODE! (Replay watches him, amused) Atom Cat: People don't realize how easy it is to draw Bart Simpson. (sketches something) See? He's riding a bicycle. Replay: Your Bart is worse than your bike. Aldonza: Do you want to do some jogging today? Wildcat: (extends his claws) Would you like to do some collisions today? Aldonza: I'll leave you alone. Wildcat: Smart kid. Mordac: Why do you request Mordac, the Preventer of Information Services? Blackie: I regret sending an insulting message to our CEO. I need to delete it from the server. (walks into a room) (Later....) Blackie: The server was in that room, right? Mordac: That's the CEO's office! Kyile: You're accused of shooting the CEO's credenza 5 times. I'm writing a sign that says, "Blackie was bad". You must attach it to a special hat for 2 weeks. (Later....) Speedy: So, how'd it turn out? Blackie: I got a suspended sentence. Boss: I'm putting you in charge of Project Biff. Biff stands for Big Improvements For Free. Your job is to find ways to make money without spending anything. Wildcat: You need to spend money to make money. Boss: If we HAD money to spend, we wouldn't need to make money. Duh.... Wildcat: The point is that you have to make more money than you can spend. Boss: I'm not following your so-called "point". Logically, anything I don't understand is unimportant. Have your report tomorrow. (Tomorrow) Boss: So, you reccomend: replacing all the managers with lava lamps. Wildcat: Here's a few dollars for the lava lamps. ADVENTURE IN ELBONIA Boss: I'm sending you to Elbonia to teach a class in COBOL. Wildcat: I don't know COBOL. Boss: Maybe you can learn it on the plane. Wildcat: (sarcastic) Maybe I'll take scuba diving lessons up there, too! Boss: I'm making my getaway. Wildcat: Why are you sending me to Elbonia?! Atom Cat's the one who knows COBOL, not me! Boss: Atom Cat said he's busy that day. Wildcat: Can't you reschedule the class? Boss: Okay....does tomorrow work for you? Wildcat: (angrily) YOU'RE SOLVING THE WRONG PROBLEM!!! Wildcat: (in Elbonia) I've been sent here to teach you a class on COBOL. Elbonian #1: We don't have computers. Wildcat: That's okay. I don't know COBOL. (Later...) Wildcat: ....and if you had a keyboard, you would do this. (taps the air) Elbonian #1: Ooops. How do I delete? Wildcat: That concludes your yearly course on COBOL. Any questions? Elbonian #1: What's a year? Elbonian #2: And is COBOL a kind of cabbage, or what? Wildcat: Class dismissed. Man: (wearing a blimp costume) Welcome to our conference. This year's theme is "Hindenburg". I'd like to thank Wildcat for choosing and organizing the theme for this conference. And now, enjoy this film clip of the Hindenburg. (As he watches the tragic video, the man becomes angry) Atom Cat: He's coming for you. Detonate his costume! Wildcat: (holding up a remote) One....two.... DOG-EAT-DOG WORLD Sign #1: Beware of the dog Sign #2: Seriously, this dog is bad news! Sign #3: Ok, ok, I don't have a dog! Sign #4: I wanted a dog, but no, "Too stinky", mother said.... Sign #5: Well, I'll show mother! I'll show you all!!! Sign #6: Beware of the man in the dog suit Sign #1: Beware of dog Sign #2: And his little friend Sign #3: Mr. Wolverene Wildcat: (turns around and walks away) That does it. (Wildcat walks up to a small bird. The bird is standing next to a sign that says "Beware of Dog", with the word Dog crossed out and replaced by "Bird".) Wildcat: Oh, really? (Just then, the bird spits out a dog collar) Wildcat: Yes....definitely really.... (Wildcat is hanging on the edge of the fence, peaking over it) Wildcat: Hey dog, you're ugly! (pauses) Hey dog, you're stupid! (pauses) Hey dog, you couldn't catch a 52 Packard! (Dog starts yapping) Wildcat: You gotta flip the right switch! Sign: Beware of the insulting dog Wildcat: Now what's that supposed to mean? Dog: Excuse me, SIR. When is the litter due? Wildcat: Ah-ha. Sign: Beware of frog Wildcat: ??? (Right when Wildcat walks by, the frogs sticks out it's tongue and trips him) EVIL SECRETARY Wildcat: So, I was wondering... (Phone rings and Carol answers it) Carol: TIMMY, UNTIE THE NEIGHBORS AND DO YOUR HOMEWORK! Wildcat: Maybe I'll try back later. (walks away) Carol: DO NOT LIGHT THAT GASOLINE! Wildcat: (turns to Atom Cat) Are you waiting like a cheetah? Atom Cat: I'm more of a panda. Boss: From now on, only the people in "important" jobs may have business cards. Everyone: (thinking) I'd better order business cards to find out if I'm "important". (Later) Boss: Carol, order me some business cards. Carol: Hmmm.....no-can-do, but I can let you borrow some of mine. Carol: You'd better get me a new secretary if you want me to be able to complete all my assignments. Boss: What are you talking about? You haven't done any work for me in 3 months. Carol: Oh, suddenly this is about YOU? Carol: Speedy, meet Wendy, my new secretary. Speedy: I didn't know secretaries could have secretaries. NOW will you have time to process my pay increase? It's been on your desk for months. Carol and Wendy: (laugh) Speedy: Here's another case of where more is not better. Boss: (thinking) I don't know how to fix any of the problems in this company. Maybe I'll just sit here quietly....no, that wouldn't look managerly. I need to do something idiotic and hope it looks like leadership. (Later...) Boss: We're going to have an "Iron Man" teamwork event. Wildcat: (snarls) What a bunch of leadership..... Speedy: The boss is making us compete in an Iron Man competition. I'm glad I take the stairs sometimes instead of the elevator. I'm in pretty good shape. Replay: Yes, you are, to the extent potato is a pretty good shape. Speedy: I think I just wrenched a muscle. (Later on, during the competition) Speedy: Drat it! A mile from shore and too tired to swim back. I hope an intelligent dolphin comes by to rescue me.... Intelligent dolphin: Two words: Tuna....net. Dolphin: Some in my situation would attempt to help you out. Others would play a deversion while someone else played a nasty joke. (Later on, two dolphins are swimming away, and one has something in his mouth) Speedy: (voiceover) COME BACK HERE WITH MY TRUNKS!!! Dolphin: Let's ask the humming fish to do the Jaws theme song. EGO CHECK (A small tree-like object appears) Atom Cat: What in the world are YOU? Object: Don't be afraid. I'm your ego. Atom Cat: If you're my ego, shouldn't you be inside of me someplace? Ego: Well, yes, normally we egos feed inside the body. Atom Cat: Then why are you out here? Ego: You're starving me, man. I'm going to go try out for a play or something. Wildcat: I know you; you're Atom Cat's ego. Ego: Correct. Wildcat: Why'd you leave? Ego: I disowned him. He just wasn't feeding me enough. Wildcat: Well, what are you going to do now? Ego: Which way to the toupee store? Wildcat: You want a toupee?? Ego: I feel okay about myself except for being bald. Wildcat: I hate to tell you this, but with or without hair, you still look like broccoli. Ego: At least I won't be bald broccoli. (Later) Ego: I'm Atom Cat's ego. I'm looking to update my image with a toupee. Store owner: I reccomend the "Roy Orbison" model. It comes with sunglasses. Ego: (walks away with toupee and sunglasses) Now I won't have to rely so heavily on my personality! (Later) Wildcat: Nice toupee. Ego: Thanks. It's the Roy Orbison model. I'm now ready to hit the dating scene. (Later) Woman: Really? You drive a Porsche? Ego: It's red...but enough about me.... (MUCH later) Wildcat: (thinking) WHOA! The ego has grown since he got that toupee! Ego: What a night! I crashed a party for female police officers! I got phone numbers from twelve women! Wildcat: 9-1-1? Ego: They must be roommates. (later) Atom Cat: Please...don't leave me.... Ego: NO ONE TELLS ME WHAT TO DO! I AM PURE EGO FORCE! (laughs) Atom Cat: Maybe you'd like to discuss that with my insecurities! (points to a big hulking giant behind him) Ego: (to the insecurities) C'mon! You may be big, but I'm going to pound you into pudding! (Insecurities fall on top of the ego, squashing him) Wildcat: I doubt this will be a children's fairy tale anytime soon. MEET PHIL Phil: (thinking) Oh, good. The last stop of the day. (walks inside and pokes Aldonza with his giant spoon) Freeze, mortal! Let me see the expiration date on that milk! Aldonza: I can go there for drinking old milk?! Phil: Nah. I'm from "heck". We handle the little stuff. Aldonza: Wow. If you're the ruler of heck, you must have some great name. Phil: Yes. Aldonza: What is it? "King of Evil"? "Lord of Darkness"? Phil: You can call me Phil, Prince of Insufficient Light. Aldonza: (thinking) Ha! The store undercharged me 12 cents, and I'm not telling them. Phil: Hold it right there! Aldonza: I know you; you're the Prince of Insufficient Light. Phil: Just call me Phil, please. Aldonza: What are you going to do? D*** me for eternity? Phil: I'm just going to Darn You for 15 minutes. Phil: Can you help me print a resume? Replay: Yes, for a large fee. Phil: How do I know you're any good? Replay: Check MY resume. Phil: (reads it) I'm having trouble believing you invented coffee. Replay: Check my patent. Phil: I'd be good in any job involving sin. Maybe something in the bingo field...or maybe budget work.... Replay: How about Marketing? Phil: (angrily) I HAVE a soul. It's just a LITTLE one. Replay: Got it...no Marketing....no Auditing....No garment manufacturing. Phil: Join us, Wildcat. Become a manager. Wildcat: Never! Phil: Your knowledge of technology is becoming stale....take the easy path. (holds up a set of disks) I have a suite of programs that all work together. Wildcat: That's unnatural! BE GONE! CONCLUSION (For years, Mother Nature has been dropping hints about the o-zone problem) Atom Cat: Hmmm....I like the smell of pine-cone-fresh scent.... (ZAP!!!) (The direct approach would work no better.) Atom Cat: Is it unseasonably warm today? (later, Mother Nature herself is talking to Atom Cat) MN: I've decided to be lenient with you beings. I'll let you stay on the planet, but I have to make an example of you. (We see a deer driving a car with Atom Cat strapped to the trunk) MN: It's an idea I got from a Gary Larson cartoon. (Later, two deer are talking about Atom Cat) Deer #1: When I shone my headlights at him, his eyes got REAL big like this....then I tracked him back to his computer and waited until he fell into a programmer's daze, then I plugged him with an arrow. Deer #2: Wow! You did that without opposible thumbs?! (Later, a policeman knocks on Wildcat's door) Officer: Sir, I regret to inform you of the death of your friend Atom Cat. According to the reports, he was killed by wild deer. We think it was a professional job; they didn't leave fingerprints. (The 3 stages of Grief: Denial) Wildcat: No...Atom Cat can't be dead.... (Anger) Wildcat: (unsheathes his sword) I'll destroy the scum who did it!! (Economics) Wildcat: (on phone) No caskets. Wrap him in fresh newspapers; he would've wanted it that way. (Later, Wildcat is talking to Replay) Replay: So what did Atom Cat leave you in his will? Wildcat: He stiffed me! All I got was this worthless invention of his, and I don't even know what it does! Replay: I get it...he STIFFED you! (laughs) Wildcat: Try to stay with me, here. Replay: We of the underworld have ways of dealing with a problem like this. Wildcat: What's that? Replay: We slash it to bits and evolve into maniacs who don't care. (Suddenly, a brilliant hologram appears, courtesy of the invention) Wildcat: YIKES! His invention is alive! Hologram: This is a hologram of the late Atom Cat, with a message to Wildcat from beyond the grave. And my recipe for chile con carne is as follows..... (Later, Wildcat snaps out of a dream) Wildcat: What a nightmare. I had this dream that Atom Cat was killed by wild deer, and that all he left for me was his recipe for chile con carne.... Aldonza: Wildcat? Wildcat: (shocked) He's really dead? Aldonza: And his chile con carne stinks. (Later, Wildcat's talking to the garbageman) GM: Not much garbage here....did someone die? Wildcat: Atom Cat went to the compost pile in the sky. GM: Bad timing. From looks of this paper, it looks like he had just completed his cloning machine. All I see is a few mathematical errors. This invention would just create a hologram and a bad chile con carne recipe. Wildcat: You sure do know your garbage! Could you try to bring him back to life? GM: Yeah, I think I have the parts in the trunk. (Time passes) Wildcat: You're going to clone him FROM HIS OWN GARBAGE?? GM: Don't tell anyone; there might be a stigma. (There is a brilliant light from the garbage can) GM: RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! IT'S A HIDEOUS MONSTER! (runs off) Wildcat: (to Atom Cat) Care for a little Arm And Hammer? Atom Cat: Thanks for bringing me back in the nick of time! Wildcat: According to family traditions, you must be my servant for life. (Later...) Wildcat: Don't tell my family I settled for a banana split. (The next day) Employee: I need to fill out a record for the days you missed from work. Atom Cat: Well, Mother Nature got mad and had to kill me, but my friend and my garbageman brought me back to life. Employee: (writes something down) I'll put "sick".